I had a dream,
once when i was young,
of a tree
- a cherry tree
to be exact.
the tree's branches were covered
with white cherry blossoms.
they danced in the wind
and sang
and laughed.
all except one,
very out of place flower.
It was white,
yes,
just as all the others.
but it told all who would listen:
i'm a apple blossom
and they said back laughing and teasing
silly cherry, you're a cherry blossom
the cherry blossom tried to explain
how it knew it was what it was.
after so much laughter
and rejection,
the cherry went silent.
but every night it'll whisper to itself
i am an apple blossom
i am an apple blossom
i am an apple blossom
one day it tried again
and again
they laughed
and, in sheer desperation,
the cherry blossom picked itself
and
      f
        e
          l
            l,
to the ground.
its petals opened
to revel ,what the cherry blossom
had known all along.
a huge apple had been hidden
behind petals of an apple blossom.

last night
i came home late
to my mother yelling

i tried to reason
to no avail
she didn't believe any of my words

her hand on my arm
her voice high and loud
she tried to push me inside
she wouldn't listen

tired and angry
i walked away
she followed

then i ran
and ran
and ran
and ran

till i could no longer hear the flopping
of her shoes
behind me.

i had to return later
but the feeling of that run
of disobeying
of my heart beating fast
of my small lasted freedom
is still in my mind
causing me
to want to run once more
and never stop
till i'm so far away
even her in her sliver car
can't find me

i want to run
and run
and run
and run
and i don't wanna ever stop

insults you throw


Why do you always insult me?
never anyone else?
I want to cry every time
your my family
your a adult
a parent
airhead
blonde
stupid
you don't even know what your doing
neither do the others
but it still hurts

it's not just you anymore
it now bonces around inside my head
beating me down
it's all in good fun
I know but it still hurts

I promise not to cry
I promise not to let you see me sad
I promise to be the strong one, always
I promise to take the blame
- without complaint
I promise to be there holding you
I promise to pat your back
I promise to be the shoulder you can cry on
I promise to not let you see a single teardrop
I promise to hold it in
I promise to force it down
I promise to lie and say I'm ok
I promise to miss you
I promise to sing to you
I promise to pretend every things ok
when my hearts broken inside my breast
when I wanna cry:
I promise not to cry

In the land of silk
goods traded hands-
cotton, ivory, wool, gold, and silver -
down one stretch of land

a down side to this trade
that led to much disarray
was the bandits and disease
that also traveled this way

I'm sorry for whatever I did
to make you not care
I'm sorry for whatever
made me disposable
I'm sorry for
everything I did wrong
I'm sorry
I wasn't good enough

I'm sorry
I'm a horrible person
I'm sorry for
failing you
I'm sorry for whatever
made them better than me
I'm sorry for whatever I did
and am apologizing for.

You laugh at the girl
With the ****** up clothes
And books on voodoo
Yes you do

And you know
Her mom's on shrooms
And her father's a deadbeat
But what you don't know
Is you don't wanna **** with this little lulu

Oh she knows tricks
You'll never know
Like how to shoot fire
Out her nose!
And how to turn your ****
Into a fire hose
Whoo

Watch it fall from the sky
And fly
As she puts her knife back in her pocket,
Locks her lips
And laughs from this little blue dummy
Yummy
Well ain't that funny?
You thought I was lieing
But now your **** is flying

And you'll probably never
See it again
Watch your lips
And don't talk smack
To a voodoo lulu
When you don't know ****
About the voodoo of a lunatic!

My friend got to see you
Just not too long ago.
Told me
Your not as handsome
And amazing
As I said.

I stared at her
A million reasons
Why you where all those things
And more
Shot through my brain.
But all I could say is.
"I love him"

How can I tell her
That I see the stars in your eyes
And they keep me in place when I feel as though I may fall?

How can I possibly explain
The feeling of delight I feel hearing your voice
The pull on my heart I feel
Seeing your face.

How can I say
"He's my best friend"
When you're so much more.

If I said
"he's my reason for breathing,
For getting up in the morning
For not giving up.
He's my everything."
It'd be the truth
But very little of it.

There's so much I wanna say.
Many are just fragments I can't fit together just yet.
But I like the feeling of speechlessness
You've given me.

Till then just know.
My friend thinks you're ugly
But to me your everything but.

Lifes trying to **** me
but I'm starting to feel that,
for the first time ever,
I may just make it through...
cuz I'm walking it with you.

Why reveal desire
when fire
could keep you sane

why reveal sorrow
when ice can stop tomorrow

why reveal a dream
when a nightmare
is so much closer to the truth

why reveal hope
when regret last forever

why reveal anything
when people care about nothing

My days have been all cloud and no sun
like a ribbon from a single young woman,
who's love was fresh
who's hope was right beside her
who's pride was in her friendly appearance
torn and tattered in the winds of change
chaos rains within a shattered heart

But time has tore away all the love in her soul
broken promises have ****** out all her hope
lies, betrayals, misused trust have turned her pride to dust
the wall has grown all around her
darkness in on her
pressing down upon a weakened young woman,
driving her to hidden tears
to hidden anger fits
but she's stronger than she looks

you would never believe this of this young lady
if you saw her
if you spoke to her
a long time ago you may have saw it in her eyes
but now she's mastered the art of the mask
she's mastered the art of hiding
of building walls
of not crying no matter what

she didn't shed a tear when her auntie died
she didn't let even one fall when the nightmares came for her
just like she knew they would from loving
she didn't tear up when her world was broken in one short summer
no she's not cold she's just acting cold
she wants you to think she is
so you won't become another reminder
of how much love is an enemy
cuz its kinder to let her heart go without love
than to tease it with the possibility of love

**** love
**** life
**** friends
**** happy
**** sunshine and daisies
**** people
**** poetry
**** caring
**** trying
it all just screws you over in the end

I welcome the dark with open arms
along with that familiar feeling
the loneliness never bothered me anyway
I'm ready to let this go
no one can hurt you
when no ones around at all

I welcome nothing
but emptiness and dead, cold silence
step back from my grave
this is my home

born here
and I'm never gonna leave.
I'm ready to let this go
the loneliness never bothered me anyways

hey
i miss writing to you
i miss trusting you with everything
i know its not your fault you gave my secrets away
but is happened and i can't trust you anymore,
my dear friend
you've been there forever
but no more
looks like the walls staying up
don't worry your worn spine about me
i'll be okay
and you can rest in peace
i have your ashes hidden well
i know burning you was overkill
but i had to
remember forever though
that for years on end you were my one and only friend
and i love you
dear diary

love,
me

Why do parents name their children?
accidentally branding them
stressing them with something
they must strive to be

naming a child Joy
who has none
but because you branded her
she must be it
or let down the image her parents had
of a girl full of Joy

Naming a child hope
she feels she must give it
but none to call her own

Name a child Raven
she must play the part
and forever quote nevermore

Name a child Angel
they must be no less than perfection  itself
failure kills them.

name a child faith
and she feels she must have it
in everyone
in everything
and it always ends in a broken heart
always ends in tears
because every fear
has come true
like a curse sent from hell

name a child
for what?
to encourage them?
ha
what a laugh

name a child Todd
they may wish they were a Sara
name a child Sara
they may desire they  were a Todd

In conclusion:
Don't name a child
nickname after knowing them
after loving them
just wait
they'll find themselves in time.

don't brand them
teach them
kiss them
love them
encourage their personal interest
one day they'll know
and
*when they know you'll know,
you know?

i love you
don't you know?
more then she could ever love you

and i know its just a short thing
you and her
but it still hurts to think
of you and her
together
while I'm sitting here alone
thinking of you in her arms
while I'm all alone
without you
and it hurts
and it hurts
and it hurts
and its hurts

i should have said no
should have said no
no
no
no
no
it hurts thinking of
you and her together
while I'm alone

god I'm so stupid
and I've made mistakes
but I've been here for you
I'd never heard her name before
yet you say shes one of your closest friends

and i know its just a short thing
you and her
but it still hurts to think
of you and her
together
while I'm sitting here alone
thinking of you in her arms
while I'm all alone
without you
and it hurts
and it hurts
and it hurts
and its hurts

i should have said no
should have said no
no
no
no
no
it hurts thinking of
you and her together
while I'm alone

but i can't tell you no
i love you too much to tell you know
so I'll be quiet
because when you're happy
I'm happy too

She said
its nighttime
he told her
that's what I meant
may I have it?
what for?
I'd like to hang it up on my wall
he looked at her in amazement.
*I was hoping you'd share it with me

monsters hide in every shadow
at least thats what they say
but what about the demons that lurk inside
are you sure their evil?

is the murderer truly horrible
for the death she's caused
or is there something else amiss
something that eats his humanity
leaving no mercy?
something that grips at her heart
till its broken inside her breast?
something that told them
that watching and causing death was beautiful
and  "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"

they may find the glazed eyes,
the broken wings of a raven beautiful
but then again they killed
is it truly wrong?
or just a mess of gray?

Happiness never seems to ******* last
in the future,
in the past.
happiness never seems to care its left too early
happiness is a ***** that leaves you hanging
then stabs you in the chest
and claims that it's all for the best
in conclusion:
happiness is a ******* *******
but a loveable *** at that

Lost in a spider's maze
a mind set ablaze
lost in a ocean of self hatred
slowly dying with no wish to live

but see that light?
it's coming for you
there's someone waiting for you
someone who needs you
someone who will miss you
someone who will cry every night your gone -
physically or mentally
who would never forget
you
or any memory made with you
someone who would perish without you
Don't forget someone cares
someone always cares
trust me I know
she cares, someone cares

I'm useless
I'm ugly
But he still loves me.

I hurt him
Because of my own insecurities
But he still loves me.

I'm fat
Have many flaws
But he still loves me.

I'm broken
Been hurt a lot
But he still loves me.

I'm tired
Of pretty much everything
But he still loves me.

I've given up
On many things
But he won't give up on me

He still loves me

When I say
Stupid things
He still loves me

When I act a fool
He still loves me

When I'm being a dork
He still loves me

When I cry
For small things
He still loves me

When I sing
Way off key
He still tells me
It's beautiful

He still loves me

He still loves me

And I will always love him.

This morning i woke up to
My sister's alarm
6:30

I turned it off so fast
She didn't hear​ it.

I layed awake till 7
Just thinking about how
Fat I am
How useless I am
How cold the room is
Day dreaming about a TV show
Trying to distract myself
From the toxic thoughts
Spinning in my brain.

My alarm rings
And I jump out of bed.
I tell my sister that she slept in.
She's pissy.
Telling me to wake my littlest sister
Cuz she can't
Because she screams her awake.
Because she treats her like ****.
And my 8 year old sister replys
With a temper.

Who can blame her?
Having a huge 15 year old wake you
By screaming in your ear
To hurry the **** up.
Isn't cause for a calm rise.

In her room,
She sleeps like a little angel
You'd never guess
That her mouth is worse then our mothers
I crawl in beside her
Wishing I could just let her sleep.

I slowly shake her awake.
She's angry I ate ice cream without her.
"Finish your dinner next time"
I tell her
Before leaving to go to the restroom.

Shoving my fingers down my throat.
The least favorite part of my day.
But you grow used
To the burning and the choking.
I've dropped a lot this way.

Wiping my mouth
I think back
To when I first got to Portland.

My step dad hadn't seen me
In a little under a year.
Without him making me feel worthless
And the man I love telling me
That I'm beautiful
I had forgotten how ugly
How fat I truly am
Till we arrived at his garage
And he whispered
Laughing to my mother
"She got Chunky"
My mom laughing too.
I covered my fat,
Ugly
Stupid stomach
With my jacket.

I look into the mirror
I rased my shirt.
I lost a bit.
But I'm still fat.
I'm still ugly.

I feel too broken to cry.

I clean myself up

In the kitchen
I find the coffee has been on all night
Black burnt stuff covers the bottom.
So ugly
Gross

I start my coffee.
Just enough for a cup
And a travel mug for my friend and myself.
The more I drink
The more I'll ****
The more I can become somewhat better.
Skinnyer

I leave it to brew.
And get dressed.
All my jeans are *****.
My sister yells at me
For not washing them
I tell her
"I forgot"
She seems unconvenceed.
"Also I don't care."
That's a lie
I do.
I just didn't wanna get up.

Instead of jeans I wear black dress pants
And a black shirt.
I look plain.
I grab my cat ears.
They make me feel good.

My sister is wearing my shirt.
I tell her to leave it alone.
I don't want it to smell or feel like her.
She scares me.
She couldn't win a fight against me I know.
But something
Something about her
Makes me uneasy.

I feel guilty to think this
About the girl who lived in
The same womb I did.

I shake the thought.

She's yelling at the 8 year old.
Their gonna be late.
I watch them leave.
Hearing her yell all down the street.
Worried that maybe
Stuff happens on the way.

The dogs been following me
All around the house waiting for me
To take him to ***.
I take him and watch
As he runs down the stairs.

He ****** on a lawn.

I'm late.

I grab my coffee and drink a cup
In under a minute.
I hope this makes me lose my fat.
I grab my bag.
It's heavy
But not as heavy as my thoughts.

Ugly *****.

I need a smoke.

Oh ****. My bus passes me.

I run.
Aware of my bouncing stomach.
My ugly face.

I make it and smile at the driver.
Flashing her my school ID.
Covering my picture.
With my ugly face.

I don't find a cigarette anywhere before my train pulls up.
On the train.
I tell my mother I'm going to work force after school.
She says ok.

I need to get a job if I wanna go home.
I think about my man
And how I need this money
To get back to him
To get back to a happy place.

Or at least to gets some ******* ****.

I don't wanna think.
So I open my book.
An old friend.
"The Angel's command"

I read till I get to my spot.
Laughing at a joke.
I close it and turn on acdc.
Got no headphones
But the music makes me forget
How much I don't deserve him
For a bit.

I'm only a few minutes late.
A rare thing for me.
I normally miss half of class
And come in ******.

My Friend isn't here.
My other friend has no ****.
My English teacher talks about the play
Fences.
It was werid to hear these people talking
Like me.
As they read.
Though I'd been told
That I can't talk that way cuz I'm white.

My second class.
Current events.
I listen to stories of human stupidity

And I write this poem.

While I'm sober.

I hope at lunch
Someone has something to make me forget
About how useless I am.
About everything.

And at my third period
I hope my teacher
Doesn't make another joke
About my home.


And when I go to work force
I hope I find a job.

And when I go home.
I hope I ***** myself small.
I hope my sister isn't home.
I hope my mom's in a good mood.
I hope my ex step dad calls.
I hope my mom's boyfriend cooks dinner
Just so I can eat a lil and lose it right after.
I hope my shower doesn't end in crying.
I hope I add another chapter to my fan fic.
I hope my man calls and tells me he loves me.
I hope that I sleep without crying.
I hope that I don't see myself in the mirror.

It's gonna be a long day.

My friends,
when you die,
go to hell,
I'll meet you there
and welcome you home.
For we belong down here.
We curse and we yell
And we howl all night.
Tis always night here
With bonfires
and such huge flames
In camps of the sinners
Here we're all winning
Oh it's never boring here
We drink
We rob
We love
We hate
Discord is our favorite thing

A lot like a firery prison
We will punish those we see fit
Not all who don't fit gods approval list
Beware our anger

When you die
My friends
Go to hell
And I welcome you there.

When you look at the stars
Or the things i have given you over the years
Know that i love you

I know i left
And promised to bring you here
At least once a year
But i didnt expect to have a child

Money's tight im sorry
I'm not replacing you with him
Your both my babies
You were my first.
When mom wasnt home i always cared for you
I taught you
I loved you
I still do

Im sorry we cant talk as much
As id like.
My sister
My baby
My bug

Itll take a while but ill be back for you
Hes my baby yes
But you'll always be my first.

Please don't go.
You're my best friend.
My sister.
I don't wanna lose you

Please don't leave me
Alone with out a friend

One day I decided
to walk out that door
and see what places the word had in store
I traveled to and fro
for years on end
but somehow, someway
I always recalled this place
I remember how i left
without uttering a word
and disappeared faster
than a frightened bird
i regretted it so that i returned
but, and i swear upon my word.
that they-
they forget all about me
and took down my picture

i just wanna go home.
i hate this place.
and i don't like these people.

i miss the people i love
i miss being treated like a human
i miss him
i miss his smell
his voice
him

i hate the way this place looks
the trees  are too tall
the grass too green

i miss home
the cactus
the dust
the brown grass
the tiny trees

i hate how seagulls sound
and miss crows
and sparrows

i hate this cramped apartment
i hate being trapped
i hate the way i can't escape
i hate the fact
i have another year
i didn't expect

i miss knowing i'd be out soon
i miss knowing she trusted me
i miss her being proud of me
or at least faking it

i despise the very air it's self
smelling the way it does
it doesn't smell right

i hate it here

i just wanna go home

Despair and leap
into the cloud of fog
mouth shaped in a silent scream
rain masks the regret that falls from her eyes
will she survive?

her headstone bares her last words
spoken as an angle fell
*i want to live

An empty promise
flouts on the breeze
stopping time to time
to remember the soft lips of who it left
to, one day, bring forth toxic tears

childish tears
over a lie, they had to tell
broken for your best
sick and tired of throwing your heart in the dark

a chance to end the hurt
a chance to end the acid tears that burn as they fall
a loaded gun
a shotgun blast
for a single second of light

a chance to say goodbye
a chance to walk away
- from the dark
a chance to put your heart down
a chance to blind your eyes,
so that you need never
read the book of pain again

but something breaks that thought
something makes you realize dying today
isn't the way
a shot won't do good
that bit of light's cost is too great

so you think
I'll stay here a bit longer
I'll dance in this dark abyss
broken and alone,
invisible to the world
and do the best I can
for as long as I can

and you'll always wonder
what was it?
what was it that made you stay?
what made you put that gun down?
Because Hope seems like too small a word.

What if I spoke my mind?
What if I just let it all out?
Would it make me feel better
Or worse
Worrying that your lips ain't as tight as you claim

What if I had never been hurt
What if my heart hadn't been so dumb
So much
Maybe I'd be stronger

What if when you ask what I want to be
I told the truth
Not the regular bull
Would you look at me oddly
Or the same

What if my sisters never grew so far from me
What if that knife never hit my back
Would I be happy

What if I learned to love
On the outside
Instead than on the inside
Think I'd be any less messed up?

What if I spoke my mind?
Would you ever understand my way of thinking?

What if I stopped pushing people away
What if I tore down my wall?

What if I said my mind?
What if I gave you a map to my heart?
Would you make it?
Probably not
Given I'd change the path before you could take five steps.

If I were to travel
around the world
would you believe then
any of my words?

I couldn't keep myself away
couldn't keep myself from kissing you
your arm draped over me
just made my mind go numb
couldn't think about anything
but your heart beat
your breathing
how warm and inviting your mouth would be
if I kissed you again
couldn't think
couldn't tell myself no
I just leaned over
and started kissing you
realized what I was doing
but still couldn't stop
because your kiss was what I needed
your lips over mine
the way your tongue slipped perfectly in-between my teeth
how you put so much into a single touch of lips
and I couldn't pull away

A meeting taking place
the head screams
we need order
a dozen or so nod in agreement
others howl in disapproval
in the end though
some thing
will be regretted
because you can't win them all
no matter how much it hurts

more screaming
more rage
more yelling

now would be when I should insert a sigh
I guess
but what's the point?

sigh

just another meeting
in my mind's conference room

say with me
America is doomed

well Trump's an ongoing joke
and Hillary's lies are painfully easy to perceive.
Bernie's polles speak of certain failure.

say it with me
America is doomed

Once more the simpsons tell us
how america will fall.
“I will build a great wall –
and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me –
and I’ll build them very inexpensively.
I will build a great,
great wall on our southern border,
and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”
This is the man
45 percent of Texas is voting for
I've never been more ashamed of my home

Say it with me
America is doomed.

Hillary can’t get through a speech
without falling apart
In a coughing fit.
Needed help just going up some stairs.
Laughed about helping
a cockroach
Get away with ****.
“Of course he claimed he didn’t.
All this stuff.
He took a lie detector test.
I had him take a polygraph,
which he passed,
which forever destroyed my faith in polygraphs.”
And she dares to claim she’s for women?

Say it with me
America is doomed

Someone tell Trump
He’s fired.
Before he destroys this country.
Someone tell Hillary
She needs to go home
Before she dies on the job.

Someone tell Bernie
That he won
Before the orange man and old ****
Ruins us all.

Say it with me
America is doomed.

Oregon apparently  has the right idea.
And will mainly vote for Bernie.

Say what you will
About Obama
But tears will be shed when he goes
Especially after the roasting he gave
He earned his mic drop
“Obama out”

Say it with me
America is doomed

Say it loud
Cry unproud
America is doomed.

Say it with me
Spread it across our failing country
Write it
Scream it
Cry it
Whisper it
Know it
Remember it
And lose your american pride
As you repeat it over and over
*AMERICA IS DOOMED

in the mirror*
I loved you alone
I missed you before
I want you calm
I drown you discreetly
I loathe you endlessly
I need you first
I remember you greatly
I see you hiding
I call you indignity
I cuss you justly
I think you kidding
I have you lone
I forgive you momentarily
I wish you nothing
I hate you openly
I bind you permanently
I doubt you quickly
I trust you recklessly
I hurt you spitefully
I know you too
I find you useless
I leave you voiceless
I declare you worthless
I vote you XL
I give you yourself
I will you zealous
I always see you number 2

I wiped your tears,
And cried alone.
Isn't this backwards?

A mother's supposed to
Clean the puke,
When your sick.
Make you tea with honey and lemon.
And give you medicine.
I'm doing all of that for
you and them
And I clean my own *****.
Isn't this backwards?

I've stood up for you
and them
Isn't this backwards?

I've stayed up late,
feeding her.
Isn't this backwards?

I've kissed their wounds,
Taught them,
Loved them
Isn't this backwards?

I was there when he left
Telling you it'd be okay
Isn't this backwards?

I was the one who fought
For you
Isn't this backwards?

I've held in so much
And you've trusted in me.
Isn't this backwards?

Mom.
I love you.
But when you came back
I was like a kid
You adopted
Someone you didn't know.

Mom I love you
But you haven't been a mother.
Not really.
So do me a favor?
Pretty please.
Everything I've done for you?
Take note.
And do it for my sisters.

The hawk can't see
The hawk flies-
                 through the raging storm
Her golden brown feathers-
                 poetry in motion
Her status is the highest-
                 top of the food chain
Eye sight sharper than mine-
                 yet even she can't see-
.                               the words in your brain

I found a hero
within the burnt pages
of fallen wisdom  
hidden deep
within the tale
unknown to all
within the shadows of moonlight
and she knew my name

spoken clearly
heard as certainly as a shadow's howl
as loud as a owls dive
its sounded like the rose's perfume

I found sanity
within a mad man
I found hatred
within tenderness
I found rage
within a girl's soul
I found strength
within me
and most importantly
I found hope
within the pages of a gray evergreen

Some times she wishes she could fly
to her daddy's arms
he would hold her and tell her she's beautiful
and he'd mean every word
he'd kiss her forehead and tell her she's loved
and he'd be telling the truth
he'd swing her around and tell her she's daddy's little girl
and he'd never let her down

but its just a dream
no ones coming to stand up for his little girl
no ones holding her
no body gonna know the tears hide right behind her smile

all this girl has is a box of ashes and broken promises
and you can't hug a box
her hearts a block of rock
all she has is daydreams
and daydreams aren't real
death is real
lies are real
if you ask her what she believes love is
she tell you its a fairy tale
love walks with dragons
love fly's with fairies
love dances with unicorns
and talks with butterflies
love is your imagination
love is false

but she still wishes she could fly.

I listen to all
yet follow few
tall or small
whatever the feud

I am an equalizer
the teller of truth
but when it comes to my own
believe me when I say
I'm just as lost as you

See me twinkle!
see me shine!
see me here,
up high in the sky.
who am I?
guess! Guess!
who am I?
Am I from the other side?
am I the light from a star long past,
or am I an alien ship,
coming to land?

see me twinkle!
see me shine!
see me here,
in heaven or hell
who am I?
guess! Guess!
who am I?
am I from the crossroads of misery?
am I the light at the end of the tunnel,
or am I an idea,
revolting around a single notation?

see me twinkle!
see me shine!
see me here,
waiting,just for you
who am I?
guess! Guess!
who am I?
am I from your head?
am I the light in a lover's eye,
or am I the voice,
that kills you softly inside?

see me twinkle!
see me shine!
see me here,
inside your mind.
who am I?
guess! Guess!

who am I?
do you know?
Who am I to you?
who am I?
who am I?
don't you wish you knew?

Don't worry!
I'll tell you!
come close!
let me whisper it to you:
*I'm you, I'm you in a nutshell.

today my mother told me i had a ****** outlook on life,
and maybe,
she's right.

i believe that we all die
each and every one of us
nothing matters
we all go at some point

she says i once had dreams and goals
i responded with
yes
but
is it worth the stress?
i could be just as happy leading a simple life
with the man i love
maybe some kids
and pets
and even knowing that its all in my head
i could be happy

or i could spend hours worrying bout homework
staying up late
till i graduate
only to do it all over in a collage
and put myself up to my neck in student loans
who'd want that?
maybe you
maybe my mother
but not me

I'd rather watch my shows
laugh with my friends
drink with friends who are now as family
have a cigarette as i watch my smoke fade in the star light
**** my man till we pass out

of course i only ask my mother
if it's worth the stress

i can't tell her why
not now anyways
for she stills sees me an ignorant child
who thinks she knows all

but in reality
its quite the oppose
i know nothing
nothing of what tomorrow will bring
i rather live my life
today
then die fearing it
then die fearing a supreme power
then die feeling i didn't fulfill my goals
no
hell no
i rather die with both my middle fingers in the air
a bottle of whiskey on my side
a smoke in my right hand
and a joint in my left
my favorite show playing on the TV.
friends laughing around me
my love by my side
and children and pets playing
without a care in the freaking world

so mother
you can think
my outlook on life's ******
you can call me a child

but really
if nothing matters
and nobody belongs anywhere
then we can do whatever we want
and be truly free

so dear mother
stop stressing
just for today
and come watch tv

Let me out!
Let me out!
i scream and scream
yet, this mindless drone
continues to talk aimlessly
about finding Y's X
just let me go

i began to see
numbers flying through the air
with plus signs and graphs
everyone around me
laughs, laughs, laughs
and
that mindless, soulless drone
starts reciting binary code!

oh let me go!
let me go!
the graphs have teamed up
with the X's and zeros!
and the imagery numbers
became the allies
of symbols i don't remember!

Y's chasing the X
and Zero's ignoring all the rules

Let me go!
Let me go!
they've trapped me
in problem 92
i can't escape
my work is due

Oh let me go!
Let me go!
i scream and scream
behind my eyes
and this heartless, merciless drone
KEEPS RECITING
THIS **** BINARY CODE!

a ringing sound
and my eyes un-haze
class is over
i made it
i escaped
till tomorrow i say
to the mindless drone
i wish to slay.

Every day
It screams over the noise
And sobs silently in my mind.
Every night,
It quietly echos through my head
And I whisper it in tears.
I cry it out loudly
When I find myself alone.
I hold myself tightly
As I whimper it into the empty air.
I let it softly repeat
As I feel my self growing colder.
I smile sadly
As your face fades.
But your name will always remain.

My eyes itch,
My throat burns
The coffee in the pots burnt
And my mugs cold

The TV's on in the backroom,
Someone's been skinned-
Stripped of all fleash-
Screaming,
Screaming,
Silence.

My computer screen stares back at me
And my eyes water at the light.
They try to close

My heart beats
Ba boom
Ba Boom
BA BOOM
Each thump hurts more and more

Typing, typing, typing

I love you

My mouth turns upright
And I feel my heart settle a bit

I love you too

Night

Night

Nicotine and coffee

I wiggle and scream
Much like the TV did
Only to wake to lonely silence

Shower and reheat the dark muddy drink
One quick cigarette
And

**Good morning my love,
       I've missed you.

Why did I push you away?
I didn't know
it would case me
so much pain
I don't wanna say
I want you back
cuz how horrible would I be
to tell you I love you
after I pushed you away
I think you were right in saying
I'm scared of love
maybe because it's hurt me
my soul
my being
I'm afraid that one day
you'll hate me
so I decided to cut ties
I try not to fall
so to avoid the struggle of standing back up

I miss you through
but I won't let myself tell you
why?
because I'm a stubborn fool
so stubborn
I hate people seeing me
my pain
my tears
me.
but I'm scared of losing you completely
so that's why
right now
I'm staring at you
so intensely
looking for even a hint of longing
for a hint that you've noticed
that I'm fighting myself
over you

Let me paint a picture for you
No I can not move a brush
As beautiful as others
In fact if I try
You'd laugh

So instead
Let me paint one for you
With the only tool I can use
A little well

Walk with me
In my gallery
Words on the wall

Looks boring I know
But look closer you'll see
What each one is
And how it relates to me

The first stop
A rose
Or something else?
I can't tell
And neither can you
The petals are gone
What it was before
Has been long forgotten
Worn by time
But there's still beauty if you dare to search

Stop 2
Ah I remember this one fondly
A ship at sea
A brave and loyal crew
The sea
She's untameable
But they still try
See the sweat upon their brows?
See them struggle to keep
Their worn ship afloat
Ah to live such a life.
Of adventure and daring

Stop 3
You go on and look
I'll stay back here
For I remember this one
In my worse of nightmares.
This ones a story look close
See the shadows?
Above that sleeping girl?
Each one is a nightmare she will endure
She looks innocent
And she is for now
Now my friend
Back to the shadows
Do you see?
Each like constellations on the wall
A woman flying through the air
A car with a woman holding to the window
That girl hiding in the bend of the wall
If you look close you can see her fear

Last stop for today
I call this one
The brightest day
Its simple.
A girl and a boy.
With their entire future ahead
I only hope that this one
Isn't just an illusion
I've made.

Real tears
what are they?
pain boiled inside out
bottled together waiting
pressure building
held inside till the time is wrong
then released

real tears
do not come cheap
they come with weakness
with giving up
with lies
with scars

real tears
mean you've lost the game
your done surviving

real tears
I refuse to shed ever
especially not for you

I WILL NOT CRY FOR YOU!
*sobs

Sisters fight
we do indeed
sisters fight for each other
I fight for you
sisters love each other
I'm not sure if you do
sisters are always there
yeah to laugh at you while you're slapped around
sisters care
so much for that

i will
he assured her
I'd hate to see you hurt
nothing ever hurts me
he told her
believe me*
I believe you*
she did too.
she believed him