Fucking tired Aug 30

I'm useless
I'm ugly
But he still loves me.

I hurt him
Because of my own insecurities
But he still loves me.

I'm fat
Have many flaws
But he still loves me.

I'm broken
Been hurt a lot
But he still loves me.

I'm tired
Of pretty much everything
But he still loves me.

I've given up
On many things
But he won't give up on me

He still loves me

When I say
Stupid things
He still loves me

When I act a fool
He still loves me

When I'm being a dork
He still loves me

When I cry
For small things
He still loves me

When I sing
Way off key
He still tells me
It's beautiful

He still loves me

He still loves me

And I will always love him.

For him
Fucking tired Aug 29

My friend got to see you
Just not too long ago.
Told me
Your not as handsome
And amazing
As I said.

I stared at her
A million reasons
Why you where all those things
And more
Shot through my brain.
But all I could say is.
"I love him"

How can I tell her
That I see the stars in your eyes
And they keep me in place when I feel as though I may fall?

How can I possibly explain
The feeling of delight I feel hearing your voice
The pull on my heart I feel
Seeing your face.

How can I say
"He's my best friend"
When you're so much more.

If I said
"he's my reason for breathing,
For getting up in the morning
For not giving up.
He's my everything."
It'd be the truth
But very little of it.

There's so much I wanna say.
Many are just fragments I can't fit together just yet.
But I like the feeling of speechlessness
You've given me.

Till then just know.
My friend thinks you're ugly
But to me your everything but.

Kinda like a love letter to my fiance. Only he's not going to see it for a while.
Fucking tired Aug 11

last night
i came home late
to my mother yelling

i tried to reason
to no avail
she didn't believe any of my words

her hand on my arm
her voice high and loud
she tried to push me inside
she wouldn't listen

tired and angry
i walked away
she followed

then i ran
and ran
and ran
and ran

till i could no longer hear the flopping
of her shoes
behind me.

i had to return later
but the feeling of that run
of disobeying
of my heart beating fast
of my small lasted freedom
is still in my mind
causing me
to want to run once more
and never stop
till i'm so far away
even her in her sliver car
can't find me

i want to run
and run
and run
and run
and i don't wanna ever stop

Fucking tired Jul 23

Please don't go.
You're my best friend.
My sister.
I don't wanna lose you

Please don't leave me
Alone with out a friend

Fucking tired Jul 21

i love you
don't you know?
more then she could ever love you

and i know its just a short thing
you and her
but it still hurts to think
of you and her
together
while I'm sitting here alone
thinking of you in her arms
while I'm all alone
without you
and it hurts
and it hurts
and it hurts
and its hurts

i should have said no
should have said no
no
no
no
no
it hurts thinking of
you and her together
while I'm alone

god I'm so stupid
and I've made mistakes
but I've been here for you
I'd never heard her name before
yet you say shes one of your closest friends

and i know its just a short thing
you and her
but it still hurts to think
of you and her
together
while I'm sitting here alone
thinking of you in her arms
while I'm all alone
without you
and it hurts
and it hurts
and it hurts
and its hurts

i should have said no
should have said no
no
no
no
no
it hurts thinking of
you and her together
while I'm alone

but i can't tell you no
i love you too much to tell you know
so I'll be quiet
because when you're happy
I'm happy too

i just wanna go home.
i hate this place.
and i don't like these people.

i miss the people i love
i miss being treated like a human
i miss him
i miss his smell
his voice
him

i hate the way this place looks
the trees  are too tall
the grass too green

i miss home
the cactus
the dust
the brown grass
the tiny trees

i hate how seagulls sound
and miss crows
and sparrows

i hate this cramped apartment
i hate being trapped
i hate the way i can't escape
i hate the fact
i have another year
i didn't expect

i miss knowing i'd be out soon
i miss knowing she trusted me
i miss her being proud of me
or at least faking it

i despise the very air it's self
smelling the way it does
it doesn't smell right

i hate it here

i just wanna go home

Fucking tired May 27

today my mother told me i had a shitty outlook on life,
and maybe,
she's right.

i believe that we all die
each and every one of us
nothing matters
we all go at some point

she says i once had dreams and goals
i responded with
yes
but
is it worth the stress?
i could be just as happy leading a simple life
with the man i love
maybe some kids
and pets
and even knowing that its all in my head
i could be happy

or i could spend hours worrying bout homework
staying up late
till i graduate
only to do it all over in a collage
and put myself up to my neck in student loans
who'd want that?
maybe you
maybe my mother
but not me

I'd rather watch my shows
laugh with my friends
drink with friends who are now as family
have a cigarette as i watch my smoke fade in the star light
fuck my man till we pass out

of course i only ask my mother
if it's worth the stress

i can't tell her why
not now anyways
for she stills sees me an ignorant child
who thinks she knows all

but in reality
its quite the oppose
i know nothing
nothing of what tomorrow will bring
i rather live my life
today
then die fearing it
then die fearing a supreme power
then die feeling i didn't fulfill my goals
no
hell no
i rather die with both my middle fingers in the air
a bottle of whiskey on my side
a smoke in my right hand
and a joint in my left
my favorite show playing on the TV.
friends laughing around me
my love by my side
and children and pets playing
without a care in the freaking world

so mother
you can think
my outlook on life's shitty
you can call me a child

but really
if nothing matters
and nobody belongs anywhere
then we can do whatever we want
and be truly free

so dear mother
stop stressing
just for today
and come watch tv

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