Fucking tired Feb 15
Let me paint a picture for you
No I can not move a brush
As beautiful as others
In fact if I try
You'd laugh

So instead
Let me paint one for you
With the only tool I can use
A little well

Walk with me
In my gallery
Words on the wall

Looks boring I know
But look closer you'll see
What each one is
And how it relates to me

The first stop
A rose
Or something else?
I can't tell
And neither can you
The petals are gone
What it was before
Has been long forgotten
Worn by time
But there's still beauty if you dare to search

Stop 2
Ah I remember this one fondly
A ship at sea
A brave and loyal crew
The sea
She's untameable
But they still try
See the sweat upon their brows?
See them struggle to keep
Their worn ship afloat
Ah to live such a life.
Of adventure and daring

Stop 3
You go on and look
I'll stay back here
For I remember this one
In my worse of nightmares.
This ones a story look close
See the shadows?
Above that sleeping girl?
Each one is a nightmare she will endure
She looks innocent
And she is for now
Now my friend
Back to the shadows
Do you see?
Each like constellations on the wall
A woman flying through the air
A car with a woman holding to the window
That girl hiding in the bend of the wall
If you look close you can see her fear

Last stop for today
I call this one
The brightest day
Its simple.
A girl and a boy.
With their entire future ahead
I only hope that this one
Isn't just an illusion
I've made.
Fucking tired Feb 26
My friends don't like me.
I know
I heard.
Guess they ain't my friends
After all

But that's okay
No matter how it hurts
I understand.

Maybe it's cuz I bum
Cigarettes too much
Maybe cuz I have too much
Ache on my face.
Like a never ending game
Of connect the dots.

Maybe it's cuz I try to be happy
And uplifting
Because I don't want others
Feeling as low as I do.

I'm not too surprised
It's been this way my whole life

I've been the scrape goat
For even my own family

I have issues may of them
Will never know
Because I would never
Burden anyone
With the knowledge
That I hold inside

Still it hurts.

And still
If they ask it of me
I will listen to their trival problems
Even though if they knew
They'd say I had it worse.

They complain about their parents
While I knew what my father's dick looked like
By four.
While I knew what it looked like
To see your mother get thrown at the wall.
While I know my mom blames me
For everything.
I still listen.
For why should my problems be of anymore value then theirs?

They complain about their siblings
When I'm sure mine
Inherited our fathers sick mind?
But just can't prove it yet
Or maybe I can
But am to afraid to put the math
Together in fear
Of what the truth is.

I say I don't care and ignore
The brokenness that is inside
My mind.

Because I believe I am strong
When in fact I am weak.

Yet I heard them say
They don't like me.
Complaining about me

Why is my instinct telling me
To listen and to agree?
To these foul words they say bout me?

They are mearly children
Talking gossip
Yet my 8 year old sis
Seems to agree...

There will be no uprising
In this story.
No lesson learned
Only me
Still realizing
How much people don't care.

Only the same pattern
Of disappointment.
And failure to connect to someone.

They don't like me
And who can blame them?
No one ever has
H
Fucking tired Aug 2017
I'm useless
I'm ugly
But he still loves me.

I hurt him
Because of my own insecurities
But he still loves me.

I'm fat
Have many flaws
But he still loves me.

I'm broken
Been hurt a lot
But he still loves me.

I'm tired
Of pretty much everything
But he still loves me.

I've given up
On many things
But he won't give up on me

He still loves me

When I say
Stupid things
He still loves me

When I act a fool
He still loves me

When I'm being a dork
He still loves me

When I cry
For small things
He still loves me

When I sing
Way off key
He still tells me
It's beautiful

He still loves me

He still loves me

And I will always love him.
For him
Fucking tired Aug 2017
My friend got to see you
Just not too long ago.
Told me
Your not as handsome
And amazing
As I said.

I stared at her
A million reasons
Why you where all those things
And more
Shot through my brain.
But all I could say is.
"I love him"

How can I tell her
That I see the stars in your eyes
And they keep me in place when I feel as though I may fall?

How can I possibly explain
The feeling of delight I feel hearing your voice
The pull on my heart I feel
Seeing your face.

How can I say
"He's my best friend"
When you're so much more.

If I said
"he's my reason for breathing,
For getting up in the morning
For not giving up.
He's my everything."
It'd be the truth
But very little of it.

There's so much I wanna say.
Many are just fragments I can't fit together just yet.
But I like the feeling of speechlessness
You've given me.

Till then just know.
My friend thinks you're ugly
But to me your everything but.
Kinda like a love letter to my fiance. Only he's not going to see it for a while.
Fucking tired Aug 2017
last night
i came home late
to my mother yelling

i tried to reason
to no avail
she didn't believe any of my words

her hand on my arm
her voice high and loud
she tried to push me inside
she wouldn't listen

tired and angry
i walked away
she followed

then i ran
and ran
and ran
and ran

till i could no longer hear the flopping
of her shoes
behind me.

i had to return later
but the feeling of that run
of disobeying
of my heart beating fast
of my small lasted freedom
is still in my mind
causing me
to want to run once more
and never stop
till i'm so far away
even her in her sliver car
can't find me

i want to run
and run
and run
and run
and i don't wanna ever stop
Fucking tired Jul 2017
Please don't go.
You're my best friend.
My sister.
I don't wanna lose you

Please don't leave me
Alone with out a friend
Fucking tired Jul 2017
i love you
don't you know?
more then she could ever love you

and i know its just a short thing
you and her
but it still hurts to think
of you and her
together
while I'm sitting here alone
thinking of you in her arms
while I'm all alone
without you
and it hurts
and it hurts
and it hurts
and its hurts

i should have said no
should have said no
no
no
no
no
it hurts thinking of
you and her together
while I'm alone

god I'm so stupid
and I've made mistakes
but I've been here for you
I'd never heard her name before
yet you say shes one of your closest friends

and i know its just a short thing
you and her
but it still hurts to think
of you and her
together
while I'm sitting here alone
thinking of you in her arms
while I'm all alone
without you
and it hurts
and it hurts
and it hurts
and its hurts

i should have said no
should have said no
no
no
no
no
it hurts thinking of
you and her together
while I'm alone

but i can't tell you no
i love you too much to tell you know
so I'll be quiet
because when you're happy
I'm happy too
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