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Fucking tired Oct 29
When you look at the stars
Or the things i have given you over the years
Know that i love you

I know i left
And promised to bring you here
At least once a year
But i didnt expect to have a child

Money's tight im sorry
I'm not replacing you with him
Your both my babies
You were my first.
When mom wasnt home i always cared for you
I taught you
I loved you
I still do

Im sorry we cant talk as much
As id like.
My sister
My baby
My bug

Itll take a while but ill be back for you
Hes my baby yes
But you'll always be my first.
Fucking tired Aug 22
Why do i cry?
Is because i'm scared you'll leave?
Is it because I'm scared you'll take him?
Because i,
myself,
am imbalanced?
Imperfect?
Or am i just insane?
Anxious?
So many options.
Could all be the answer?
My fear of abandonment
My fear of loss
Of everything that can and could
Potentially
Go wrong?
Whatever the reason
Couldnt you respond with understanding
Instead of ridicule?
If not understanding
Maybe just reassurance
Thats all i need
I may need much
Of that one thing
But its only one
I do not wish to push all my doubts and issues upon you
I only wish for you to understand
Understand that i don't cry to anger you
I cry from frustration and fear
Fear you may leave
Frustrated that you don't get that
I'm not trying to blame you
Or inprison you
Or to manipulate you
I am just shedding tears for the unknown
If you cannot understand
At least let me be
Till my eyes are dry
And i can be me again
Let me hide in the restroom
With the fan on
So you don't hear my sobs
For as long as i live
The fear will
Most likely
Remain.
Fucking tired Oct 2018
Dear child
I'm sorry
Sorry for downing smokes
While you depended on me for life
Sorry for drinking the little I did
While you needed me
Sorry for anything I did to lose you

I'm sorry for all the things I did wrong
That may have made me lose you

I don't know what you were going to be
Son
Daughter
But I knew
No
I know one thing
Even though your gone
Your still my baby

I'm sorry you never got a proper name
Only shartbait
But I love you just the same.

I remember when I first saw you
Unfortunately you never saw me
You looked off too me
But I still loved you the same

Im sorry you didn't get a proper send off.
I didn't know what to do with you
You didn't even have legs
I wish I'd done more then flush you.
I regret it everyday.
But just know I still love you
And I still cry some days for you.

I hope wherever you are
You can forgive me.
Cuz I'll always love you.

It was only 2 short months
But I'll always love you

Regretfully
Your mother
Fucking tired Sep 2018
Sing along
With the sirens song
Let it not take you
Don't let your will weaken so
Think of all the things
This song leaves unsaid
It tells of paradise
But you can't have adventure
And true understanding
In this world of perfection
The sirens' sweet song portrays

Now stop.
Stop singing along
Start your own tune
Your own beat
One of daring
And of bravery
Sing your song louder
And stronger
Sing a song
A song of things they not dare
A song of truth

Don't be fooled by their false tales
Of perfection
For perfection is what you make of it.

Don't listen to the young.
Listen to the old.
The ones who never exlored life
Listen to their regrets
Listen to the ones who took a chance
Hear their joy.

Forget the enchanting vision
Sung by sirens
Instead listen to drunken sailors
Singing of things past and real

Join reality
Not silly fanstiy
Fucking tired Feb 2018
Let me paint a picture for you
No I can not move a brush
As beautiful as others
In fact if I try
You'd laugh

So instead
Let me paint one for you
With the only tool I can use
A little well

Walk with me
In my gallery
Words on the wall

Looks boring I know
But look closer you'll see
What each one is
And how it relates to me

The first stop
A rose
Or something else?
I can't tell
And neither can you
The petals are gone
What it was before
Has been long forgotten
Worn by time
But there's still beauty if you dare to search

Stop 2
Ah I remember this one fondly
A ship at sea
A brave and loyal crew
The sea
She's untameable
But they still try
See the sweat upon their brows?
See them struggle to keep
Their worn ship afloat
Ah to live such a life.
Of adventure and daring

Stop 3
You go on and look
I'll stay back here
For I remember this one
In my worse of nightmares.
This ones a story look close
See the shadows?
Above that sleeping girl?
Each one is a nightmare she will endure
She looks innocent
And she is for now
Now my friend
Back to the shadows
Do you see?
Each like constellations on the wall
A woman flying through the air
A car with a woman holding to the window
That girl hiding in the bend of the wall
If you look close you can see her fear

Last stop for today
I call this one
The brightest day
Its simple.
A girl and a boy.
With their entire future ahead
I only hope that this one
Isn't just an illusion
I've made.
Fucking tired Feb 2018
My friends don't like me.
I know
I heard.
Guess they ain't my friends
After all

But that's okay
No matter how it hurts
I understand.

Maybe it's cuz I ***
Cigarettes too much
Maybe cuz I have too much
Ache on my face.
Like a never ending game
Of connect the dots.

Maybe it's cuz I try to be happy
And uplifting
Because I don't want others
Feeling as low as I do.

I'm not too surprised
It's been this way my whole life

I've been the scrape goat
For even my own family

I have issues may of them
Will never know
Because I would never
Burden anyone
With the knowledge
That I hold inside

Still it hurts.

And still
If they ask it of me
I will listen to their trival problems
Even though if they knew
They'd say I had it worse.

They complain about their parents
While I knew what my father's **** looked like
By four.
While I knew what it looked like
To see your mother get thrown at the wall.
While I know my mom blames me
For everything.
I still listen.
For why should my problems be of anymore value then theirs?

They complain about their siblings
When I'm sure mine
Inherited our fathers sick mind?
But just can't prove it yet
Or maybe I can
But am to afraid to put the math
Together in fear
Of what the truth is.

I say I don't care and ignore
The brokenness that is inside
My mind.

Because I believe I am strong
When in fact I am weak.

Yet I heard them say
They don't like me.
Complaining about me

Why is my instinct telling me
To listen and to agree?
To these foul words they say bout me?

They are mearly children
Talking gossip
Yet my 8 year old sis
Seems to agree...

There will be no uprising
In this story.
No lesson learned
Only me
Still realizing
How much people don't care.

Only the same pattern
Of disappointment.
And failure to connect to someone.

They don't like me
And who can blame them?
No one ever has
H
Fucking tired Aug 2017
I'm useless
I'm ****
But he still loves me.

I hurt him
Because of my own insecurities
But he still loves me.

I'm fat
Have many flaws
But he still loves me.

I'm broken
Been hurt a lot
But he still loves me.

I'm tired
Of pretty much everything
But he still loves me.

I've given up
On many things
But he won't give up on me

He still loves me

When I say
Stupid things
He still loves me

When I act a fool
He still loves me

When I'm being a dork
He still loves me

When I cry
For small things
He still loves me

When I sing
Way off key
He still tells me
It's beautiful

He still loves me

He still loves me

And I will always love him.
For him
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