Im not sure what im doing tonight I have far to much on my mind and nothings sounding right, really im just trying to sort through my thoughts all the while wondering if im really alright.  You see, I go back and forth about that, im good untill I get stuck in my head. My head can be a scary thing, filled with harsh veiws of myself and the world mixed with odd hellish dreams. I feel if I tried to explain my thoughts to some, I mean to really explain and try sort through it all, that they'd probably just laugh at me n say im crazy. And crazy as I may or may not be.. I lost my train of thought

I hurt all over, physically sick
Stuck with the haunting memory of his words
you can trust me, im here for you
I can still hear his voice so clear
So kind
So careing
I miss you babygurl
What once was comforting now only instills fear
How could he fake somthing like that?
How could he have lived with himself?
He was never real
Turning somthing thats supposed to be gental; Someone who trusted you with everything
Into a game

I wont be part of it.

“I took
the sweatshirt
from the chair
in your room

Your favorite
Philadelphia Eagles
Sweatshirt

I send my regrets
You’re probably cold
It’s kept me warm
And it still
Smells like you”

When writing is forced usually it turns into compleat ****

Hmmm
                                                           ­               Whats so wrong with giveing in
Maybe a little*                  
                                       ­                                   and whats so wrong with giveing up
Just enough to make it okay

Just enough to silence the itch          
                                                 ­                          who wants to fight all the time anyways

*This time

Id rather sleep in the cold than to burn under blankets

At the end of the day,
There's so much left to say,
But I don't have the words to explain..
So I hope you don't think I'm insane
When I don't say anything.

Many thoughts in my head,
That will always be left unsaid.
I sware I care,
And that the thought is there,
But I don't know how to explain.
Oh please don't look at me like I'm insane.

I don't know how to explain,
Because truth is I might not be all 'right' in the brain.
I want you to stay,
at the end of the day.
But I'm not sure how to say,
Don't go,
Because I'm afraid to be left alone,
But I'm afraid you'll want to go home,
And I'll feel like I should have known.
Every time you leave, in my head, I'm begging, please don't.
But to ask, to say something, I know I won't,
Because as much as I'm afraid to be left alone,
I'm more afraid you'll want to go

You hold me in a state of beautiful misery,
invited agony.
Loving you is painful bliss,
welcomed heartbreak.
Everything and nothing at all,
perfectly imperfect,
overly complicated and overly simple,
you hold me in a state of beautiful misery.

Your work makes me think and makes me smile
Smile in a sad way every once and awhile
Thank you for being honest
and for being blut
For saying things others don't
and for being up frunt
Your inspiring
Is it tiering?
Having so many thoughts in your head?
Just waiting to be put on paper
Just waiting to be admired and read

I'm not making much sence these day's
Someone will say somthing and my mind gose off
Down the street-up the stairs-across the hall-out the window-through the tree
scrape, cutt ... oops
to the clouds-through the sky
Hmm, down below it all the people look so small
I wonder if ... wait, who said what again?
That doesn't make any sence
Am I making Sence?
I haven't said anything?
oh... right, ya, that was all in my head
Sorry, it seems these days im not making any sence at all

It's not even dark*
But it's horribly dark
Don't you see?
How the walls inch closer
And the shadows jump out at me
How the floor creeks
And the breeze creeps
Through the window past the currents
It's terribly dark
But you can't see...
Your blind to what lurks
What jumps, creeks, and what creeps
The street light shines in
So no.. I guess It's not dark

Oh what you'd look like portrayed in ink
Captured by someone who admires your physical shell
As well as the way you think

Kind hearted caring and smart
Oh the things someone could do with you
For the sake of art

Ill take your hand and we'll go away
Stop for a minute when the lighting is just right
Ill snap a picture quick so i can remember this later tonight

Let me draw you
Paint you and scalpt you
Because in the morning when you go
Its all ill have to show
That in the vast world of time
For a brief second you were mine

theirs a girl in the back of the classroom, shes always quiet.

Kid one: "whats worse than a truck load of dead babies? No? No? No one? Okay then, I'm Ann Frank, what do I smell? Its my parents burring!" and he breaks into laughter and makes a motion as if hes slashing his wrists "What kind of person am I?? EMO!" he yells and tumbles into another fit of laughter

Kid two: "That's terrible!! You shouldn't joke about that! I don't understand dark humor! Why do people joke about that stuff?"

The room goes quiet and the girl says "People always joke about things they cant comprehend, its a coping method." everyone stares at her but she just goes back to writing as if nothing had happened

I Ment to say hello
Five letters
Four slightly different shapes my mouth wouldve formed
Three seconds or less to pronounce
Two syllables
One, simple word
But I thought about it for five minutes too long
As you took four steps in the opposite direction
There were three moments in which I could've called after you
two seconds where I almost did
There was one simple word that I really Ment to say

The road seems to flow like the ocean reflecting the midnight sky
Wind sways the limbs of an oak tree near by
Light from a street lamp casts there shadows down
They shift and sway and flow when no ones around
But shh...
Not many know
That at night, there's an ocean just up the road

Nothing else can compare
The feeling is truly rare
One of a kind
The best high you'll ever find

One glance and you can't help but smile
Even though it's been awhile
The thought of them will always drive you wild

As cheesy as it may be
Their your perfect cup of tee
You never want them to go away
Please just stay
Five more minutes, one more hour
Maybe they could be the bee and you could be the flower

A minute with them is like watching a beautiful sunrise ten thousand times
You don't want to rewind
Nor replay
Because you cherish every moment with them
Each and every new day
In everyway

Their perfect in your eyes And always will be
All their flaws you can see
But you accept them completly
Because love is strong and love is kind
I don't think love is blind
Love is knowing all and being willing to leave the bad things behind
Love is forgiveness
Love is trying, even with some distance

My eyes burn
Or maybe it's just my head that hurts
Please stop talking
I can't bare another word
Stop for the sake of my sanity
If you keep going on Im bound to use some profanity
I won't be able to help myself you see
Because what's spilling out of your mouth is a travisty
Stop now
please stop, before you force me to make an *** out of us both

Can't stand to think
So take a seat
Hanging on to...I don't know

Losing the battle, between okay and not
Mourning the loss of clarity
Memories are fading... or are they
disintegrating

Screaming for help even though
you don't want to be saved
at least not by someone else


*give it time and youll be fine they said

I feel like I'm going to be sick
Pukes everywhere
That didn't make me feel any better
Nope, matter of fact, I still kinda feel like ****

The same road I've walked down a thousand times
suddenly opens up to clear blue skies
And I can practically hear it ringing in my ears
the waves of the ocean that I've been dreaming about for years
The birds, the wind, the sand between my toes
The sun on my skin, lounging around sipping mojitos
"Paradise is a place that's far from home,
and lately all I ever see is everything I've ever known"
But then the clouds roll in
reminding me, I'm in the same place I've always been

There are things to do and a routine to follow
So why is it when I'm alone I'm left feeling so hollow?

Dee-ee-ay-tee-aych
Du-eh-thh
It roles off my tounge
Du-eh-thh
Is is this the end?
Maybe its only just begun

Just the word instills fear
Du-eh-thh*
Makes them shake
Quiver
Shiver
Even shed a few tears

Am I wrong to think its beautiful?

Du-eh-thhhh
Peace and Freedom
"freedom from what?"
  Life my friend
Life and all its fake 'happily ever afters'
  How can you possibly expect us to mend?
To pick up the shity peices and put them back together again
  Were like bats who have frogotten how to hang in the rafters
We dont no how to cope
  We will be the end
How can there be any happily ever afters
  Im afraid ive lost all hope

Am I going insain?
Or am just reaching clarity

Du-eh-thh
Dark
Quiet
Nonexistance
gone

They see it as the end
You see, but even just the word roles off your tounge
Ah, yes myfriend
Its all just begun
Dont you see?
Death is the only way to go
Its The only way to truely be free
Im done with society

As the skys fade to dark
My demonds come out to play
I would cry out
But its already to late
They're here
They've come to take me away

But with the beautiful stars above me
maybe its not so bad
With the moon shining bright
Reminding me the suns still there
And caressing me with its soft white light
Maybe im going to be alright tonight

i whisper it over and over as im dripping blood just trying to fight
I know one day that statement will be true
So ill scream alone at night
untill the time comes when the darkness creeps up behind me but no longer hold me tight
So when you kiss me goodbye and ask if ill be alright
ill no longer be lieing to you

Sitting down
An empty notebook in front of me
A pencil in hand
How do I write this
Knowing it will be read aloud
Shared
A piece of me
Shared with others I don't trust
of whom I see everyday yet, don't know
Will they abuse the knowledge, the insight, the possibility of power over me, I'm giving them?
I could write it about something else
about someone else
Someone who as effected me
Who has changed me, made an impact in my life
but I don't want to
This is something I need to write
maybe it'll help me cope
maybe it'll help me move on
This is something I need to write
but I'm not sure its something that needs to be shared
but I'm not sure they'd even care
(probably best that they don't)
I'm painting a picture with words
detailed enough so they can see
vaguely enough so they might not understand:
                                       That I'm giving them a piece of me

With each inch the caterpillar crawls
the leaf it's after is blown another foot

With every flower the bee buzzy around
there are five more that need to be visited

With every page turned
there are a million more to read

How do you write without feeling
How to you express yourself without meaning
If theres No reason
If theres no yearning
If there were no one eager for learning
If no ones speaking and no ones listening
If there's no one thinking
and no one questioning
If there are no tears
No fears
No fists of rage
No love and no hate
Then wouldn't we be left empty?
Are we really destined for this fate?
If there is no meanings and no feelings then there is nothing
Then arnt we left with nothing?
Is this destiny of youthful generations
with seemingly nothing to say
but about "how hot" there precious  little boyfriends are
and about "how grose they are"
because there 105 pounds and 5ft 3 because apparently they should only be 93 lb
Because 105 is apparently just to heavy
Is this destiny set in stone?
Or merly written in the fine print of a ****** contract that no one cared to read?
Is there some loophole we can slip through?
Can we undo the lack of what has been
done?
Or are we condemed
to the sad nothing I keep hearing we've become

These roses have turned brown
The the leaves all wilted
Their petals fell to the ground
Now they see the world through a veiw that's tilted

It was flaccid on my tongue.
Tie dye design fading,
Tightly pressed fibers dissipating,
A paper spitball soon to be dissolved.

Out of sight out of mind,
Until the wood grain on his dresser started to shift,
Move together then apart
Like a kaleidoscope in tones of brown

I stumbled out,
Thin socks met frozen wooden planks,
Then black jeans were introduced
As I took a seat criss-crossed: perched.

Snow fell from above
Like shooting stars abandoning the sky.
They landed on my lashes,
So I blinked a Big Bang and galaxies were born.

Frostbite should’ve crept into my fingertips,
But I was all tingles: pins and needles,
My nerve endings firing like new year’s sparklers at midnight.

Music filled my ears without a sound in the air.
Northern lights were waves emitted from trees
And the waves in the sky danced in time to my imaginary melody.

He snuck up behind me,
Seemed to appear beside me,
So I laid my head on his knees,
But his leg hair started to crawl,
Each strand a pink and green gradient
Like a **** carpet come to life,
A 1970’s nightmare

He looked down at me
His pupils like black holes: ******* me in
Shivers crawled up my spine:
A thousand spiders carrying snowflakes.

He wasn't talking but his face was moving: morphing,
It wasn't gloopy as you'd expect morphing to be,
But sharp, Jagged:
Stained glass mismatched.

The candles burnt out
One by one
And I was thrown into the dark
And it was then that I felt the weight of the cold

Im trying to get back into this writting thing, you see?
Because I feel like I've lost touch with a huge part of me.
When I write I sound diffrent than I do in my head,
diffrent than how I sound laying in bed,
You see? I'm trying to resurrect this part of me that's dead
(Or dying)

I miss it,
I miss thinking for myself,
(Not that I've ever thought for someone else)
but I want to get back in my skin.
Not deep enough to drown,
just deep enough to make a sound.

Let's start a new chapter*
Where he's kneeling and she sits
Slowly he'd lick his lips
And make a trail with his finger tips
It'd move into vauge sentences
Simple movements
Feelings
Shapes and colors
Imaginations thrown into overdrive
filling in the blanks
Thought up
All cought up, in some girls daydream

It's not his fault I know its true
I love him
I love him
I sware I do
It's not his fault I know its true
He just doesn't know me like some others do
He just doesn't know me like Some others
He just doesn't know me like you do

Painted
Pointed
Plastic
Tube

Holding
Squid
Excretions

Glide
Across
Dead
Trees

Leave the door unlocked And a light on
Let me sneak through your room at the break of dawn
I'll wake you with a kiss
And other things you wouldn't want to miss
As you open your eyes
You'll find a lovely surprise
*"You're good at this"
"Funny, it's not like I've had much practice"

Rest is hard for a heavy heart

What are you thinking?
                                    This doesn't have to mean anything
Mm nothing
                                    But it does, doesnt it?
                                    It means everything to you
                                                            ­                                     But its nothing
                                    Yeah, right
Are you okay?

Yeah, of course
                                 *I dont want to be just this to you

A terrified little girl resides inside her.
So She built a wall,
Of 8 feet tall,
To try and keep her at bay.

She did her best, and pushed and shoved, saying I will not let my fear be my maker.
But alas the wall was built of sticks and straw,
And one day will be blown away.

Truth be told when the wall does fall,
So will the girl who tried to rise above it all,
And the fear that she's kept locked up,
Will finally come out to play.

She was fighting a battle,
that she couldn't handle,
All she wanted was to be okay.
And now left alone,
chilled to the bone,
She slowly starts to decay.

Sweet smoke in her lungs
clouds fill her head
Move down to a sticky feeling between her legs
pushed past her stomach and intestines; buried in her guts
flashes of fresh fruit come dancing across her bed
 Strawberries, Bananas
 Peaches and Pomegranates
Her stomach in her throat
Her heart pounding in her head
A rapid heart beat and sparkling nausea leaves things unsaid

Sometimes, the people who have the most to live for, are the ones who don't want anything to do with life.

Honestly, The thought of you still takes my breath away

I have a groan inside
It's manifested itself somewhere between my chest and back
A little lower than my heart
It feels like anticipation
The dreadful kind
When you know the other shoe is about to drop
And then it does
It lingers and plucks the stings of my internal organs
It plays me like an out of tune guitar
My heart races
My stomach churns
I sweat
I get the itches and the chills and the shakes
I think this interment would rather have been left in its case

Little piece of paper
What have you done for me?
I sat on the porch and thought
"How have I never noticed the world is this pretty?"

To be continued...

A blocked up
Jumbled mess
like a flock of birds in a cage
when you try to let one out
somehow they all find a way to escape

My life's a huge joke...
Wait, wait, wait, it's funny, I swear, I'm just about to get to the punchline
... And nobody cares!

Blurry vision
And bad decisions

A rush of heat
And a bit of relief

Your hand between my thighs
God that look in your eyes

When it hits I feel like I'm flying
Part of me is probably dying

Inhaling sunshine and fresh cut grass
Man, this **** tastes like ***

Soft Kisses turn heated and sloppy
***** it, get on top of me

Sleep take me away
Make my eye lids grow heavy and darkin my sight until there is only black
Make the sounds fade to silence for all except the gentle hum of a fan
Make every part of me relax and go limp

Sleep take me away
Take me away to a land where none of this maters
Away to where there is no war, no fights, and no pettie problems

Sleep take me away
Away to a far off place where there is no stress and the only thing to worry about is witch tree to climb

Sleep take me away to where I can rest with out nightmares
to where I can walk with confidence or fly through the sky
to where I can be alone and watch the summer stars
or to where I can be with a group of people and not feel alone

Sleep take me away
Take me to a place where I can, and there is no 'i cant'
Take me away to where I can learn
Take me to somwhere far away Sleep, please, take me away

I welcome you sleep, with all that i am
Please wash over me and make me forget

Sleep take it away
Take away my pain
Take away my thoughts
Take away my smiles if you must but please, sleep
Take it away
Take ME away