There was a certain comfort in the time I spent
Sitting against a wall outside in the cold
They don’t tell you what its like to freeze to death
But here’s what wishing you would is like

The trees sway with another chilling breeze
There’s a little stinging pain in my toes
Its been about 20 minutes out here
My feet are the only things cold
I'm thinking
Way too much about how the frost feels
My hands become red
a little icy itch not quite numbing my fingers

Another 20 minutes go by and I can feel the cold travel
I have no intention of leaving
I don’t want to
Maybe i’ll stay all night

An hour in my feet are cold on the outsides
My ankle is freezing
I adjust my earbud and look up to the sky
My breath can be seen in the air
I think about my mother finding my body
Bitten blue with winter

2 hours in and my feet are starting to ache
Its an interesting feeling
Almost like I’ve broken a bone but can’t quite feel it
I don’t want to be here anymore
Not outside, id love to stay in the icy air all night
But here, in front of my so called home
Filled with my so-called family
I’d like to be staying somewhere else
Somewhere where they aren’t
Somewhere where the people who care about me
Are all far far away
And if I die, they know in a few days
Not right away
If I’m sick they’ll send a gift card
And call so many times I’ll have to turn off the phone

So maybe I’ll just sit here
And let nature have its way with me
Because I'm not ready to go back in
And live in a “family”

Blade across skin
Another mark
Another sin
I remember the first
I didn’t know then
It would become a thirst
Just a little deeper
Just wanna see some blood
An addiction i cannot reverse
And it hurts

I know the consequences
I know the risk
But i cant stop this madness
I cant control me
My mind my thoughts
That makes three
Im an addict without a pen
Just a blade
And some skin

I'd like to say i'm doing better
That i'm being productive or feeling good
But mostly i just feel tired
And think about seeing them again
I had a dream about them last night
I decided one day to just fly out and visit them
Seeing them again was surreal
Like eating after starving for days
Or breathing after choking for so long
We embraced and i felt my heart stutter
My smile bright like moons
And for a while i was drunk on their presence
Wanting to only be with them
And thus spurred a realization within me
I love them
More than anything i love them
Platonic, romantic, neither
It doesn't matter
I love them
This is all i know

So it is my birthday today
Though this day i feel no different than normal
Perhaps a little sad
As yesterday i had a bit of a conflict
But I won't let this person have control over my birthday
Today is supposed to be special
Though most things have gone wrong
I forgot my coffee this morning
And Spotify gave me the worst songs on my playlist
Still, today is my birthday
I am sixteen
It is a time to celebrate the sixteen years i have been struggling along
Tomorrow will be the same as yesterday
And today will be the only
I think of my favorite flowers
Red columbine, clematis, water lily
Trembling, mental beauty, tranquility
I think that if someone gave me a clematis today
I would cry and preserve it forever
I'd like to hide away
And sit with my poetry
And cup of coffee
Writing about the beauty of the world
That I cannot see

Is it bad to know that it would hurt if I went through
I’m the bad guy if I tell the truth
And I know no one wants me to go
And I know that even though
I used to not care
They wouldn’t go there
Do the same thing I want to
The same thing I can’t do
What would they think
To know that I'm on the brink
Of leaving and never coming back

A while back i asked you a question
You’re answer never came
I guess i scared you a bit
I guess it was a sort of weird question
But know here i stand
Covered in blood
Weeping in sadness
Yet you dont see
You’re killing me

Is this wrong
Every part of me yearns to be broken
I want bones fractured
My muscles torn
I’d like to suffer from a stab wound
Or to be poisoned
Something sick is growing inside me
A flower of masochism
What is this addiction of mine
Why do i long to fall down the stairs
To smoke cigarettes for the damage in my lungs
I’ll break a finger
Cut my hand on a knife
Trip over my own feet in gym
And fall off some sort of ledge
I don't die
I never do
Like the time i overdosed
I just threw up blue
And moved on two days later
In my dreams i am broken
How i wish it true

Sometimes it’s really hard to be calm
With voices yelling at you
Inside and out
With people telling you things
Telling you how to act
Telling you how to feel
It really makes it hard to stay calm

Thats another thing they tell you
Chill! It’s fine!
But you know
You know
Its not

So if i show up one day
And I’m completely fine
I don’t care about anything
And I'm just overall cool
Know that i lost a fight
With myself
And you won’t see me tomorrow

Remember that night?
The soft glow of the tv reflecting blue on the walls
Our tongues dancing to the music
That played in the background
I had you pinned the wrong way round on the bed
Your head between my arms
Every part of us touching
I could feel the heat on your skin
The melody of your heartbeat
You tasted like the cherry sucker I gave you
An hour before
Oh, how I used to drown in your melancholy

Yet now all I feel is water
Little drops from the shower
While I stare at what never was
The music of your breathing still plays in my ears
When the night is quiet enough
Sometimes I swear I still feel your skin
But the moment passes and I’m left with this cold sort of feeling
An empty swell in my chest
A tingle behind my eyes
You are nothing but dull memories now
Nothing but a thought of remembrance

I like chips
But not for the reason you think
Chips are our thing
And i miss them

Why cry
On a day when its not dry
Even if after its cloudy
You can still be happy
The rainbow may be behind the clouds
And you may not be in the crowds
But theres beauty
In the cloudy

If i were a flower
I think i would be a dandelion
Only the little call me a flower
The rest a ****
Someone only a few like
Someone who's ego is far to wide
I may wear yellow
But people know the real me
Not even the seed looks worse than me
We all have the time to pick a flower
But only by the young
Will i be picked

Something breaks just around the bend
Longing is overturned
Replaced with a dull sort of fear
An impending sadness
Beauty, though gleaming with violence
Surrounds a thoughtful desire
Lust grows and swells
Bitter metallic love tastes sweet on starved tongues
Blood is no longer just red
But stunningly gone

Its like everything's on fire
I know thats dire
But I’m not kidding
Everything’s on fire
Okay maybe not literally
And maybe I'm being overdramatic
But I'm telling you
Everything’s on fire
In my mind the world is red
Everything burns and my skin is dead
There’s no real way to describe it
But as I said
Everything’s on fire

Oh my dearest known
I’ve fallen for your words of yore
I think that if i had loved
Another before
I’d forget them completely
And love you evermore
And though i have never known your likeness
And we are across the shores
If I saw you in a crowd
I’d run, sing and adore
And if you grow tired
Your forgiveness i implore
But still, i love you
Forevermore

In my younger days
Jesus was a white man
with long brown hair and a beard
He cared for children
And protested against evil
He was perfect

I think i saw jesus once
In a dream of a memory of a vision
He had calloused skin on his hands
Golden brown like illumination
He was reaching for a coke bottle
On the bottom shelf of a gas station display freezer
I think he must have been tired
Because i could even see the dark circles under his eyes
Behind the wire framed glasses he wore
When he looked up at me
He gave me a weary smile and walked away to the register
Coke in hand

In the days of hardships
I called myself agnostic
Because god never cured my sorrows
And i was never blessed with heeded prayers  
But maybe jesus got tired of being perfect
And left heaven to be someone inferior
Someone human

I can believe in that jesus

Sometimes i wonder
Where are you now
After all those things you did
Do you even remember
Oh well
I’ll live with the scars
I’ll live with the feelings
I just wish you could feel as i did
That first night
When you changed my life

My finger on the trigger
Aiming at someones head
What if I’m the target

Roses may be red
And violets blue
But you know
My love for you
Was never true
And yeah ive gotta say
We had flare
We had rage
But what was i supposed to do
I didn’t love you
All im trying to say
Is dont get in my face
You knew from the start
I would never steal your heart

70 degrees and im cold
Trying to live the lies I've been told
Living in a world thats not my own
Losing someone i have to hold
Partying all night is a nightmare
But its fresh air
Drinking til its gone
If it feels this good can it be wrong
Pass it over
Might help get over
When can i feel better
Well its now or never

Heaven calls in waves of silver and gold
What's keeping me here you ask
The idea that I might be good enough to live in the palace
To live in “God’s kingdom”
It's terrifying me
Don't get me wrong
Gods not real
But the constant what-if of my life
Keeps me holding onto it

Perhaps it was the early church mornings
Up until I was 14 years old
Or the want to believe in something
But only knowing of him
I want to think that magic is real
That tomorrow I'll wake up
Completely immersed in a fictional world
But there are two sides of my brain, don't you know
And I wish the logic would disappear

Oh, how i think living is such a terrible tragedy
Falling and faltering while you cradle me in your arms
My skin burns where we touch and connect
I can feel this agony
I can feel myself writhe in pain when you hold me
Nothing but comforting touches and platonic affection
Yet i still burn with discomfort

What is this great calamity
What is this god if not my captor
My religion must be you they tell me
But i am still falling and faltering
And burning in this torment
If i push you out of my mind
And ignore the words of my peers
Will I find peace?
Or will I still live in this never ending desolation

You’re sweet like honey
And she treats you like money
To spend and throw away
And im watching from so far away
Hoping you’ll be okay
Because she uses you like that
And i cant take you back
Oh my dear
I know you dont want to hear this from me
I love you like honey
Come back to mama ill be so proud of you

Your my only girl
My baby forever
Delicate as a feather
Come back to me
I can see
You’ve grown up strong
Its time to move on
She isn’t good for you
She’ll tear you to pieces
I just wish you would see

You’re sweet like honey
And treats you like money
You dont have to come back to me
I just want whats best for you
You know i always do
I swear its true

Pack your things in a box painted blue
In a shoe box you found in the back of the closet
Your school bag and the purse your sister loved
We are leaving behind the memories
Leave these cold nights and drive through the woods
Find a lake to drown in and throw your family picture in too
Get out of the water still breathing
Still just barely alive
We can kiss under the stars
Love in the night as we leave everything we once knew
Home doesn't have to be a place
And it sure as hell isn't a person
But maybe the feeling you give me is
Lets thrive on nothing my dear
We can be more than just our family
Become the stars with me
I'd like to burn

When what you’ve been through doesn't quite qualify
When you can’t explain it because its that unique
When you want help but are to worried you dont deserve it
When you don’t know how to ask
How do i know?

You hurt me
But not as much  
As I hurt you

I am the rain’s cloud
I wonder where the rain is now
I hear the pitter patter of rain
I see the other clouds with the rain
I wish I had the rain
I am the rain’s cloud

I feel raindrops fall to the ground
I want more of the rain
I worry the rain will leave me
I cry because the rain has left
I am the rains cloud

I understand now, the rain is back!
I say, “Stay! Please don’t ever leave again!”
I dream that I am the rain
I try to understand more but I don’t
I hope the rain won’t leave again
I am the rain’s cloud

I thunder and boom, “Why did you leave rain?!”
I scream because the rain has died
I hate that the rain left
I know I will never be happy again
I am not the rain’s cloud.

What hurt the most
Was that fact that
I hurt you

When times are dark
And friends are few
Turn to me
And I’ll love you

Do you know how hard it is
To start with nothing
No confidence
No innocence
Stolen so young
You dont even remember a time before
How hard it is to rebuild yourself
When you were never even together
Relapse over and over
Without know how to be happy
Without knowing how to be okay
Without realizing your depressed
You didn't even know what the word
meant
When you never thought you would make it to 10
Let alone 14
Do you know how hard that is?

Sometimes i wish
I wish we could do this
I wish we could be
I wish you would be
I wish upon a stupid star
I hope upon an ugly jar
And these things
In their peace have made my day worse
Because wishes don’t come true
Dreams too

Our lives are so awful
Our lives so lawful
We all think we need to be accepted
Instead of thinking we should be connected  
Hi. My name is unworthy to meet you
I’m too blue
Hi. My name is stereotyped
You can see the words I’ve typed
Hi. My name is gone
I’m not a con

Our deaths are so celebrated  
Our lives so hated
We all want something  
It feels like nothing
Hi. My name is dead
I’ll rest in my bed

My sorrows will drown me
Don’t you see
The water that surrounds me
I’m in over my head  
You can see the dead
My life went to waste
It left no trace
My skin will burn  
You cannot earn  
A life to be
My life to me

Ive never felt this way before
Ive fallen in love once
I dont think ill ever fall out of that one
But even then i never felt
The way you make me feel
You make me wanna do cheesy stuff
Like buy you flowers
And hold your hand
And kiss your forehead
And buy you chocolates
I dont know why
I have to admit
im scared of falling in love
But you make me wanna confront my fear
And stand up
And shout from the roof tops
I love you

What's it like to be free
Like laying in the middle of a wide open field
Still, mind haunts and head rots
There's a plague in the air
Silently taking over us
It affects all
weak, young, strong, old
A certain stride in your step while you decay
Brain in shambles yet you stay
At night those who rot feel their sickness spread
Lungs caving in and organs sick with rage
There's bile in your closing throat
Swallow it down, choke
Disguise your growing illness
Despite its universal despair
Quietly we fall
Clawing our way out of the grave
With one hand in hell already

There must be madness swirling inside me
My stomach aches
A sickly urge in the back of my throat
I imagine it whirls around in my blood
Surging through my body like morphine
It spreads to my hands at first
A tremble of my fingers slipping glass from my hold
It glitters before my eyes
i feel it travel to my forearms creeping up into my biceps
Scars reopen and red spills
My fingers now coated in crimson
Then it's clogged my chest all to fast
It's getting harder to breathe but still my lungs fill with air
Heart squeezing, ribs popping out of place
Yet my body stays the same
From there it splits in two ways
One drips down into my stomach
then pooling in my feet and weighing me down
The other creeps up my neck
Taking the oxygen from my head
It starts to spill out my eyes
In tears of panic
And i remember the ways to stay sane
None of them work now
Nothing is working now

Its terrifying here
The kind of cold that makes your bones ache
Is this hell?
Is this some kind of agony?
Am I still drowning?
They say that drowning is horrible if you hold your breath
But if you give up and inhale the water
You get some kind of relief
Your brain is starved of oxygen
Your lungs fill to full capacity
Why does it feel so tempting?
The salt water stings your eyes
There's nothing left to hope for
Nothing left to breathe
You can pray to god
Or you can curse him for a remedy
But you still drown
And your body sinks
There's no fighting it
You are drowning
Just as you've always been