My love,
I wish you could visit.
Your smile,
Your laugh,
Is truly exquisite.
And I knew,
From the very start,
That you and I
Can never depart.

As not a million miles,
Can break us apart.

Am I incapable,
Of love?
No experience
From a world so tough.
No feeling
Through a heart so numb.
Yet I succumb,
Accept,
And move on.

My pain,
Makes you smile.
Nothing better
Then hurting a child.

Your scolded,
Yet you resume.
Torturous
Each day at school.

And you continue ,
Until shame greets you.
But you pretend ,
And offend,

Until you find someone new.

Why?.
A question so repetitive,
It stifles my mind.

As the more I think,
The less I hide.

The more I speak,
The less I lie.

The more I feel,
The less I disguise.

For the more I live,

The less I am alive.

From distance,
To distant.
My reflection,
Reminiscent
On what it used to be.

What it used to see.
What it could believe,
And achieve.

But time,
And change,
Makes its way
Through our space.

Plays tricks to teach
Us on life,
And it's games.

But we adapt,
And adopt at a stage,
Where we accept
That life is strange.

But all shall be okay.

I look at my wall,
It speaks no colour.
Bare,
Empty,
Since the season of summer.

Your soul left,
And I,
Left too.
But an idea
Came to me,
One lazy afternoon.

I looked at my supplies,
That were almost decaying.
I opened them gently,
And soon began painting.

Your favourite colours cascading
Yellow, green and blue.
The wall began drying,
As my tears did too.

For this mural,
Is sacred,
And I,
Am now feeling.
As another sun rises,
My heart welcomes healing.

Creative,
Joyous,
Carefree.

A life of a child
Is nothing but a mix of the three.

For when a child grows
And speak from their souls,
Connection is lost,
Becoming unknown.
Leaving the child to bear alone.

We mimic tradition,
Refuse to listen,
To the little ones who
See us as reason.

And as your little child cries,
You spew great lies;

'You have no place here in this family!'

You have abandoned them,
And Ridiculed them
To the highest of degree.

But all for reason,
That they are not the vision
you wish for them to be.

My new lover,
He treats me well.
Highly captivated
By his spell.

Smart and slick,
He mangles my mind.
Though not a lover
Of any kind.

He loves me,
Myself,
And only I.
For I am a trophy
In his deep blue eyes.

Temptations
Of the weak,
I fall to my knees.
He is hard to please,
Though easy to tease.

But my honesty
Has seized,
My words have frozen.
This man is poison,
Numbing my emotion.

As my new lover,
He is unkind.
A cruel robber
Of the heart and mind.

But I am fine,
I truly am.
For all is worth it
To hold his hand.

Hatred,
It runs through my veins.
Cascading through
My body of pain.
Attacking my system,
It alters my brain.
Leaving bitter notes
And thoughts that stain.
And I,
The victim,
Of my own demise.
Unable to love
My own little mind.

How does one
Love and hate?
A sickly sweet
But bitter taste.

No sanity,
No self-respect.
Just you and I,
Bodies full of sweat.

We are soaking wet,
As you draw me in.
You're adoring,
And attractive.
Yet gruesome,
And grim.

But you win.

Your prize,
Is my mind.
And that is bold and unkind.

But alas,
I chose to try.
But you hid the key
I am too weary to find.

Why,
Can't I,
Bare the truth?

It seems that the trees
Know more of my roots.

For outside,
Is safe,
To no worries or feuds.

But I,
Must hurry,

To a home with no hue.

Dare I say,
Take me back to sweeter days.
No worries
To fight,
Nor sorrows
To woe.
Just waiting
For sun
And the fall of snow.
These little joys
Replenished my soul.
And now,
I yearn,
For thoughts of old.

!TRIGGER WARNING!
(Mentions of suicide)

The wind caresses my skin.
One feeling to lead me in.
The tide
So wide,
I am feeling a rush.
Combined with hushed
Whispers of a spirit once crushed.
Though she thrived
In a landslide,
In the sea she is pushed.

To the deep waters,
She is finally shushed.

These twisted tales,
Carved in my mind.
Turned bitter and blind
From frantic fright.
Numbed from nettles
That poke me at night.
Accept the strangles
That choke me so tight.
Feeling only the dark
And hiding from light.

These walls
Have spoken a thousand tales.
Yet still,
They pound,
Like thunder and hail.

Oh, father.
That little girl,
You met in September.

You left.

Remember?

Without a trace,
Nor a track.
Left mother nothing but a heart attack.

But, father,
Dare I ask?

Is there a chance
You will ever come back?

Your eyes
Don’t speak the same.
They lay fallen,
Unable to look my way.

Your kiss
Was once passionate and sublime.
But your lips ,
As cold as ice,
Lay lazily on mine.

Your movement,
So rushed.
Our fingers barely touch.

For you caress my cheek,
One last time.

As I cry into your hand,
You stand away from mine.

For one moment,
I forget.
I am calm and free,
From regret.

I reset.
In the eyes of green,
I am hidden by trees,
Sitting by a stream.

Mind lost at sea,
I breathe.

Finally.

For one moment,
I am truly free.

My eyes awaken,
The day is sacred.

A sun arrives,
Slowly rising.

The grass,
Slowly swaying.
My fears,
Erasing.

This day graces me
With joy and safety.
All away
From anger,
and hatred.

This moment of life,
I cherish so greatly.

For i'm one step away
From a perfect haven.

I live
In false reality,
So they say.
A world of 'nonsense'
And 'immature play'.

A world where one
Cannot be torn.
No heart to break,
Nobody to mourn.

For here I lay
On my bed,
To breathe.
Creating a creation,
Only known to me.

As Stars and moon
Begin to shine.
Through world of wonder,
That is only mine.

And this little truth,
Is truly divine.

I lost my mind ,
Or so it seems.
Doused in fear
Of uncertainty.
The mind is small
Yet we think so big.
And here I lay
In the grave I dig.
As one small nudge
And I’m ready to blow.
Losing myself ,

Now out of control.

Look at us,
Buried in dust.
This little love
Has died with us.

We had our fun,
Oh yes we did.
But your heart is heavy,
Too broken to fix.

For mine is steady,
But my soul,
Amiss.
As I turn away
From your quiet kiss.

We sit in silence,
Near the door we wait.
For one to open,

And the other to stay.

I was once so little,
Though mature in the mind.
My heart now brittle
From moments unkind.
And with that
I fell cold,
No warmth for my soul.
My mind
Turned old,
Then my heart fell alone.
With no love,
Nor touch,

From parents of stone.

My mind is fragile,
My life is a play.
I will break if you let me go,
I will hurt if i'm thrown away.
I am not in control,
My soul has extinct.
You ripped apart what you did not need of me,
As I watched with no instinct.
Without you I would be forever muzzled,
But my body is becoming sore.
With you I am a person,
But you don't seem to notice my silent call for help anymore.
Day by day,
I watch you bleed.
A pain so violent,
It triggers my only need.
You don't look the same,
You are a victim of prey.
I can only smile and watch you battle,
My only wish is that I could stay.
The last day you came over,
To the shelf that held a wasteland.
I felt a presence so cold as you reached for me,
Yet I felt comfort as you took my hand.
We went outside as it was raining but,
You looked at me with a cold eye.
I knew that I was nothing anymore but,
I couldn't say goodbye.
You gave me to another person,
And I felt that this was the last origin.
You didn't look back at me and I never saw your face again but,
I was nothing but porcelain.

I am delicate
And fragile,
My heart,
Made of glass.

I will shatter,
And break
From the life
Of my past.

My skin,
Snow white,
Not a hue in sight.
For I rest wearily,
On this cold night.

But I wonder,
And ponder,
How we seem weak
To seek.

'How 'soft' could one be?'
They say to me.
In times of hurt,
Anguish
And true defeat.

I turn to face
The ones of deceit,
As they look upon me
With disgust and grief.

'You are not as strong as you should be'
'Life is not full of roses and buzzing bees'
'It is indeed tough, but you must perk up'
'You must come into life , ready to fight'

How can one
Being,
Tend to agree?
On a life
In stone
And utter cold tone,

For one
Like a flower,
Will blossom
Like a tree.
Will flourish
And nourish
The ones
In need.

Will save the souls
That are lost at sea.

I am delicate
And fragile,
And that is who
I shall be.

I am useless,
Clueless,
Naive
And foolish.

I am a child
Of chance.
A night of romance.

I am an early-morning
Call,
A surprise to all,

Aren't I, mother?

One that can use no tool.
A waste to the teacher,
Within a school.

Aren't I, father?

A child
'Out of control'.
Seemingly 'too old'
To be consoled.

But alas,
You wish for connection.
How should I know of it?

I am prone to rejection.

Subjection,
To your own mistake.
A choice you made.

The icing on the cake.

But now I am far
Away from your pain.
For I live in worth,

As you live in shame.

One more taste,
Love.

One sigh
And I knew you were a waste.

Tough.

I crave your scent,
But you repent us.

Shame.

I am the match to your flame,
Your icing on the cake.

Mistake.

You have no choice,
Silly of you to think twice.

Nice.

Now you lie,
Wet in your tears.
Trying to hide away from your fears.

As your fear,
Is you and I.

Fine.

I guess i'll keep you with me,
For life.

I am proud,
Little one,
For your heart has sung.
Made your own little rhythm
To your own little drum.
You have grown with wolves
But still ,
You're a cub.
Your gentle manner
Has taught you to love.
To rise above
Your lowest points.
To trudge the mountains
And reach great heights.
And now little one,
You are ready to fly.
To sadness and regret
You now wave goodbye.

See that little girl,
Running by the sea?
The one that feels joy
To the smallest of things.

Or perhaps that little boy,
Filling with joy.
Not a single emotion
He tries to avoid.

For these little beings,
Are a reflection of you.
In youth we still live,

As age only equals two.

We ask ourselves;
‘Why?’
That ‘life was made to die’,

But if we continue to ponder,
We turn grim,
And somber.

For this question is up to us.
A creation of an answer,
One can trust.

As one can love,
And finally adjust.

Cease
And release me.
The fire
Burns freely.

Eating me
Slowly.
Fists open the
Walls of my sanity.

Hot,
And heavy.
Breath rapid yet steady.

It hasn’t left me,
Internally,
Destroying me quickly.

For you,
Do not notice.

But only when you do,
I am a monstrosity.

A mirror tells a thousand lies
Says I.
I see a vision
Of the unknown,
Of the confused,
And alone.

It bewilders me
Says I.
I cannot fathom
Who
Or what stands before me.

Perhaps a lie
Says I?
My skin,
Pale,
My soul,
Frail.
I beg for it to stop,
But to no avail.

I am not who I see.
For the vision before me
Is a lost soul
Between a treacherous sea.

A monster
Caught between a
Nightmare
And reality.

This is not me,
This is not me.
But where could I be?
Who can locate me?

I begin to breathe
In and out
Rapid
and loud,
As my lungs yearn to shout,
My body begins to pass out.

But I realise,
Between two shut eyes,
That this reflection,
is truly me.

My body,
Is here.
Yet my mind,
Is lost.
My soul,
Frozen,
Covered in frost.
And though joy exists,
I simply do not.
My brain
In a mist,
As my heart does rot.

If only one,
Could show me the way.

Without toxins
Circling my brain.

Without slurring
Words that I say.

Without praying
For my last day.

Without digging
An awaiting grave.

Without feeling myself
Wither away.

But today is the day,
I put this all at bay.

As I travel to the land
Of safe haven.

That is where I will stay.

Can I confess?
That it wasn't my dress,
That led you to see
Me in my vest.
Dress to impress,
I do indeed.
But not to be stripped
And dipped in your sheets.
So you see,
Your desires,
Are your OWN to keep.

And do NOT blame a woman
Who you made unclean.

The road is long,
But I run
Faster than the sun.

I leave a note
On my bed.
Minds fill with dread,
Questions asked;

'Is she dead?'.

No mommy,
But I do not wish
To come home.

I feel too alone.

The road is long,
But I run
In the blink of an eye.

But where does it lead?
To peace?
Shall I run back
And cease?

No.
I shall run more,
Leave the others to scorn,

So mommy knows
My heart is torn.

But now
The road comes to end.
Sirens,
They fill my head.

They run with me.
Those men.
Chasing me
For fun and glee.

But they finally catch up,
They sound much louder.

For I see mommy,
Looking quite sour.

She brought me home
Near the morning hour.

I lie in a daze,
My mind is a haze.
I wake up in bed,
With the sound of rain.

But today's the day
I do it again.

A flatter,
To tamper.
Bruises on my skin.
You loath in power
From a delicate flower,
Seduced by ruthless sin.
Frills and thrills,
Shrieks that shrill,

This was your proudest win.

The fire,
Burns me,
Cutting deep inside.
Sparks do fly
As I speak my mind.
Trying to hide
This relapse of rage.
But it controls me,
Slowly,  
Like a puppet on stage.

A season for joy ,
Swings quickly by.

Frosty roads,
And shady skies.

For icicles form,
In the roof of my mind

As this season
Is bitter,
But sweet to the eye.

The mind
Is larger than
Anyone could see.
Panic and worry
Over things unseen.
Find comfort in worlds
Of make believe.
Yearning for safety
In the heart of green.
Urging to run,

Waiting to be free.

You look at me with a sharp gaze,
Mouth salivating with the taste of wonder
Of what a human can create
Make and shape
Into the palm of your hand.

You lose your breath
Panting begins to escalate
Glares begin to infatuate
Your senses onto my own fragility.

I speak no words but
Just shape myself
Into the form of which you cannot surrender
Your senses onto my own fragility.

Soon the clock strikes
Your senses spike
and no less than a minute
That your touch is wandering my form.

I speak no words
Just brace myself for
I am simply made of clay.

I am weary,
Though not for sleep.
This yawn
Means something more deep.
And I fear,
In my rest.
Body tosses
Through unmade sheets.
Yet I wake,
Instead.

As the cycle repeats.

My body is weak,
Engrossed in these sheets.
This land of comfort
Is all that I seek.
For one moment
Im asleep,
The next i'm awake.
My eyes they close,
I'm drifting away.
In slumber,
I ponder,
Wishing day for night.
For moving is sombre,

My mind sleeps tight.

From your gaze,
To your taste.
Wrapped gently in your embrace.
Gifted me goods,
No other could replace.

Though your words,
Left a trace.
The soul I once embodied ,
Now trashed like waste.

As the taste I once savored,
Now soiled from your flavor.

The world is spinning,
But I lay still.
Wrapping in thoughts
I wish to ****.

I question
And wonder,
Of a life
Given so sad,
And sombre.

'Why bother'?
I ask,
For fate
Has flaws.
Dark dreary days,
As the night calls.

For I feel it all.
Of my body,
In agony.
My anatomy,
It falls.
Yet so statically
It stalls.

Death is my father,
And I,
His daughter.
We bond like no other,
Thinking of each other.

My soul,
Punctured.
My heart,
Ruptured.
May life encourage me instead?

For my body is alive,
But my mind is dead.

As the world is spinning,
All becomes dreary.
Consumed in thoughts,
That finally **** me.

He is gentle ,
Sleeping ,
Waking.

Tossing and turning,
Yearning,
Aching.

Voice unknown,
Only sound
That seems to linger.

Crying,
Screaming ,
A dramatic temper.

He is unknown to me,
Blood as cold as ice.

No rhythm in my heart
When I look into his eyes.

But alas,
He is mine,
And mine he shall become.

For I am young,
And choose to be one with my son.

You.
You are parting to the heavens,
Leaving thoughts embedded
Into my mind.

How unkind,
That death must welcome you,
To hold you before I do.

This cannot be true.

How alive I felt.
Your smile,
contagious,
And how outrageous
That you're being taken.

As you now awaken in a land of clouds.

But now,
My heart is aching,
Thoughts are racing,
I miss you now.

I miss us two.

My lips,
Quivering
At a thought only one can dread.

'You are dead'.

As I lay
Sitting in pain,
Grieving,
By your bed.

Here I stand,
Wrapped in dark cloth.
Time slipping slowly,
Heads bowing lowly.

Hearts in a toll.

I cannot recall,
Words spoken,
From ones
That ‘all will be well’.

Heaven has a place for you,
But this feels like hell.

Music plays low,
My brows furrow ,
For I cannot glimpse
At the doll who lays low.

At the edge of my feet,
I stand in defeat.

For you were my one,
But alas,
The light has come.
The angels have sung,
And have summoned you home.

My darling,
Sleep tight,
As this day
Has turned into night.

And now your soul shall roam.

'Hold it together';
Says the voice in my head.
But my brain is burning
And rotting in dread.

'Stay steady, and grounded';
They tell me once more.
But I'm frozen in worry
Of thoughts that scorn.

'Concentrate now';
They shout quite loud.
As I walk back and forth
Inside this house.

My lungs have no air,
Yet I'm breathing just fine.
'This won't last long';

And neither will I.

A weight
Crashes on my chest.
Your tears
Burn through my skin.

No escape,
No rest.
As you slumber
Soundly in my bed.

A feeling of emptiness
Swarms my mind.
Your thoughts
Knock heavily into mine.

They sit and wait
Until I break the line.
And fix the knot
That just won't tie.

Your words,
They sting.
They float like bees
In the middle of spring.
Around they go,
From head to toe.
Yet I try
To swat them away.
But they stay.

And leave a stain to this very day.