'Come alive',
They say.
'Take these pills twice a day'.

'Activate your mind,
Leave thoughts to stay’.

‘But doctor,
I fear,
My thoughts are
Difficult to bear’.

'You think too much of it,
Dear'.
You say.

'Take your belongings
And go home today'.

I walk an empty road,
I'm lost and confused,
And all seems dull and dreary.
I walk an empty road,
Not expecting much left,
Nothing to do,
But to ponder and accept.
I walk an empty road,
And stop.
I see light beneath the winged oaks,
And breath in the beauty that stands before me.
She was so beautiful,
With eyes reaching my weary soul,
She welcomed me with open arms towards me.
Never did I feel this before.
Never did I feel that sweet love,
That I felt with her touch.
Her smile made the darkened road shorter,
As she took my broken hand into hers,
And took me to a place of comfort and joy.
Home.
She was my home.
As time flew by,
We both laughed and cried,
And helped each other through treacherous roads.
Her name is music to my ears,
And her heart beats out gold.
She took me out,
And led me in.
I wish this existed within others,
But I have her,
My angel,
And that's all I need.

I am warm in his arms,
Though no heart he bares.
Full of light and love
From soft little hairs.
No words he can speak
Yet so caring and sweet.
His forever smile
Brings purpose to me.

When times may arise
With doubt and fear,

One moment I carry is the cuddle of a bear.

If I could have
Just one last dance.
To laugh in awe
Of your youthful prance.
Around we go
Like a merry-go-round,
Our joyous breaths
Blocking the sound.
And we live,
And give.
Every moment of us
We never hid.
For each other,
We built a home.

But alas,
We're older.

And now alone.

For you I would take a bullet
Shot straight from the gun.
I would stand you aside
While I usher you to run.
I would slowly die
In a cloudy haze,
Knowing your the last thought
On my dying day.

For you I would bear your woes,
Until my mind goes astray.
Until my heart can't take it,
But for you I would stay.
I would take your hand
And place it in mine,
Hold my other to your skin
And stare in your eyes.

I would hold you gently,
Until you trust the touch you feel.
Put my hand on your face,
The other to your waist,
To show you this is real.

For I would do more than you imagine,
As these words speak no volume
To the passion
That I would give.
I would do more than words,
My sweet flower,
For no man like you seems to live.

But alas,
My lover,
You and I must wait.
As our lives
As we uncovered,
Are ten thousand miles away.

Lord,
I cannot fathom myself.
I cannot contain myself,
I cannot behave myself.

Your breath,
Hot and sizzling,
Burning my skin.
Your Pain,
Rich and thrilling,
I am your sin.

Lord,
I am blushed and bruised,
Ashamed and used,
Contained and confused.

Bound and held,
You whisper quiet words
Into my ear.
A melody so deafening
I forget to care.

Lord,
I feel ravenous.
My burning hunger
so pitiful,
So scandalous.

Your soft kiss,
Turns lush pink
Into lustful red,
Blood pours down my chin
Onto our bed.

Your eyes meeting mine,
Direct and aligned.

Thoughts colder than frost
My heart begins beating,
Limbs are weakening,
Feelings are deepening.

My mind is now yours.

For now I see
A point of no return.
I seethe and writhe
As our souls bind and burn.

Here I sit,
Restless.
These echoes,
Relentless.
Shame
Crawling through my veins.
Leaving a mark
On my withered brain.
Too spiteful to care
For my weakened frame.

For I
Shall choose myself to blame.

Am I,
Not enough ?
The hurt is bitter,

Your words are tough.

Is she ,
Better than I?
Your little angel,

The apple to your eye.

But me?
I’m a mess.
A child of stress ,

You love me less.

And her ?
She’s your whole life.  
Living in your arms ,

Letting me die.

But alas ,
No need to shout.
Your actions speak louder,

Than words from your mouth.

My mind is dying,
And I with it too.
Thinking is tiring,
I'm empty of fuel.
From working in jobs,
To studies in school.
From speaking with others,
Then losing my cool.

My body is weary,
My brain on fire.
But alas,
I give in.

For I am just too tired.

At the edge,
I sink to my knees.
Nothing to feel,
Nothing to see.

The touch of grass,
Tickling my feet.
Yet no laugh I bear
In my defeat.

But a beautiful creature
Passes by.
I catch a glimpse
With my teary eyes.
She's burnt with orange
And the darkest of blacks.
So small in size
With wings on her back.

She lands so softly
On my button-red nose.
Fluttering so gently,
Unbothered by the cold.

I hold her gaze
Until she's ready to go.
And flutter away,
She goes back home.

I should follow her footsteps,
It's getting quite late.
For her presence,
Though small,
Has encouraged me to stay.

In goes one,
Head hung low.
Arms in a fold,
Hands deathly cold.

Stares and glares,
Across the room.
Panic emerges
As they hover
and loom.

Small pleas
and prayers
Leave their mouth.
But no sirens heard
When they begin to shout.

A shout becomes a cry,
A cry for a guide.
Somewhere to hide,
Feeling ready to die.

But no guidance
They recieve,
All alone and weak.
Waiting for nothing,
Responses are bleak.

No comfort to share,
Not a word of care.
No genuine meaning,
Just simply speaking.

No heartbeating,
Mind leaving,
As you rot
In your own mistake.
As your soul,
Once young and bold,
Now ice cold,
From another life
Not saved.

Now in goes two,
Bodies hung so small.
Words spoken in tired voices;
'We are the ones that made the call'.

In my world,
There is black and white.
Lots of fights,
Continuous cries.

But that's okay.

I get my paints,
And color the greys.
Turn white to yellow,

And finally create.

You are harsh
To yourself.
Why would this be ?
Has life made you doubt
Of the worth that I see ?
We are driven
By others ,
And our brain the driver.
Speeding too fast
From someone no wiser.
Breaking the breaks
When our gas is low.
Others do see ,
Yet nobody shows.

Do you really wish
For them to proceed?
Wrecking your worth
Until you bleed.

But thoughts
Of our own,
Are no others to mould.
Your mind is free
As is your soul.

For the mind it cracks
Under false illusion.

As conclusions of false ,
Are the brains confusions.

The fog begins again,
Circulating through
My living system.
It is grim,
Driven,
Lasting longer than breathing.

Attacking my lungs,
I'm Heaving,
Still living,
Crawling,
Weeping,
Repeating,
It's not leaving.

Grim,
Driven
It crashes through my system,
Leaving me stiffened.

Grieving,
Weeping,
Leaving it's thoughts to deepen
Creeping,
It's not leaving,
But I am breathing.

I am breathing.

Yet so
Grim,
driven,
I am still living.
I am still learning,
I am still winning.
I am still yearning,
All is forgiven.

All is forgiven.

Beginning again,
Head spinning,
So Grim,
Driven,
Yet I am still healing
I am still breathing,

Leaving,
Healing,
Am I still grieving?
Teaching,
Forgiving,
Living,
I am still winning.

I am still winning.

I have been granted
The gift, of you.
A sweet, joyous angel,
With a heart made for two.

Your precious soul,
So radiant of light.
Beaming greatly,
From day till night.

My heart is full,
When yours is too.
For a blessing like you,

I refuse to lose.

How I would,
Or could
Open my heart,
To let you in.

In a race to the finish line,
I would let you win.

On a day of judgement,
I would hide your sin.

For all of you,
I would half my soul.

Dig deeply for days,
To build you a home.

And although
These words may flow,
They cannot express
My true interest,

In you and I
To love until we’re old.

Our love
Runs cold.
Memories of us
Now stale and old.
No word we utter
When coming home.
Just you and I,
In an empty lie,
Turning to stone.

Tossing,
Turning.
I wake in a sweat.

Remembrance of a night
I will never forget.

Your body was warm,
And I ,
On your chest.

Our lips,
Meet gently,
As we slowly undress.

Night fantasies,
Met,
As we fall into bed.

And your eyes,
Now wet,
While I throw on my dress.

Confused,
But sleepy,
We nuzzle and nest.

As the clock strikes twelve,
I wake in a sweat.

You have fled,
Out the door,
And left nothing,
But regret.

The silence,
Is heavy.
As is my heart.

I am surrounded
With glory,
And great works of art.

I have books of plenty,
And luxuries of many.

Yet my mind,
And soul,
Are somber and lonely.

As I have glory to share,
But nobody,
To care.

In my heart and soul,
I know she is there.
I feel her breath
In the Winter air.
Birds tweet outside
Near gardens we wet.
Watering flowers
With tears of upset.
'But don't fret',
You said,
Upon our bed.
'My time is short,
I must live instead'.
'Embrace this life,
It's not over yet'.
'For I rather live
Than die in regret'.

As do I,
My darling,
You have lived till your end.
As your words are something
I'll always commend.

Your superior.
And I,
Inferior.

A hurdle in your way,
An object on display.

A possession for your pride.
And I,
Wish to hide.

For your loving kindness
Was my demise.

Is my purpose in life,
To only think?
To hear such thoughts
Grow and shrink.
To live
In feeling,
And breathe
In deep.
To walk on legs
That feel so weak.
Though I try
In mind,
To know just why.
To trudge these hills
And reach the skies.

And I know,
Inside,
I will finally find.
The meaning of all,

The meaning of life.

Your eyes
Speak a thousand words.
But these words,
Seem wrong.

Your voice,
Once melodic,
Is off-key
To our song.

Have I hurt you,
My dear?
Is this all a lie?
You lay by my side,
Our hands intertwine.

But your kiss,
Is tired.
Your lips subside.
Oh no,
Darling,

Are you still mine?

From little dollies,
To sitting in trollies.
Sitting beneath trees,
In the summer breeze.
Not a care I felt,
Nor a worry to feel.
Just me and my friends,
Imaginary or real.
The delight of innocence,
In the simpler days,

As I ponder back to the simpler ways.

I feel strange.
I was once a glory
Put directly on stage.
I showed my ability
Yet you weren't amazed.

Instead, you scold me,
But wasn't I great?

'No', you told me,
'You need to change'.

We are empty,
Half naked.
Our bodies meet the eye,
The room is quiet,
Sacred.

You slowly walk,
Our eyes talk,
Your lips,
They quiver.

Your voice,
Makes me shiver.

I am smaller,
My body polluted in sweat.

For one magical move ,
And I,
Am now undressed.

I think you may suspect the rest.

Oh heavy heaving flower,
Come and feed from my light.
Let me flourish your dying roots
And replenish the life you were given.
Your petals fall slowly my rose bud,
Drip and drop they go.
A bitter thorn begins to grow out of you
And slowly attaches the water I have given.
Oh bitter flower,
You are swarmed by insects that endure your sweet scent.
They suckle off of the pollen you have left
Though without caution they ****** the energy you were given.
Oh heavy dying flower,
You finally close up with darkness to aid you.
Your life has slowly faded into solitude and shame
As you bend your head in the name of the torn rose.

From one night,
To daylight,
My mind in a haze.
My body in a daze,
My soul full of shame.
As not one moment,
Can I live in present.

For past,
Is where I stay.

My heart,
Does not beat with yours.
Our rhythms
Irregular,
And I don't know the cause.
Time has flown,
Yet we haven't grown.
We're open stitches
That can't be sewn.
And now,
We continue our paths alone.

To hear your cries,
Broke me inside.
Wheezing for breath,
As I sit by your side.
My mind,
Hurt me,
But at least we tried.
So weary in fret,
Though we seemed just fine.
But I live in regret,
It should pass in time.
Though I'll never forget,

The you and I.

My sweet,
You have crossed barriers,
We know.
I have held feelings
All too low.

Time has shut,
Made a clock
To count my hours alone.

Too fast,
Or too slow?

Only the heavens can know.

But you have faith,
Brought to your grave.

And I ,
Strive to make a smile appear.
Though grieving tears dent my skin.

But promises unlocked
Are ones I keep safe from sin.

As sin,
To your eye,
Is the blade of a knife,

For good riddance of my own life.

But I ,
Shall not die.

Only when time knows it is right.

To feel everything,
But nothing at all.

To hear everyone,
But no one to call.

To sleep and weep
In the hours of day.

I slip into darkness,
And fall astray.

TW: Self-Harm

Mummy,
My flesh is my own,
Grown and sewn,
To skin and bone.

But my mind is hurt and I don't know why.

As the metal hit,
On leg to wrist,
It painted my body.

Nothing could stop me.

It was addictive,
Yet I am still alive.

Why?

From one to two,
Then some to a few.
I could not keep score,

My body is now torn.

Our minds are fragile,
As life is a play.
Some break
If let go,
Some break
If thrown away.

I did not know you,
For you changed each day.
You were a victim
Of judgment,
And a bait for prey.

Your presence was cold,
But your
Comfort was soothing.
Your quiet
Yet violent,
And I was
Slowly losing.

As I knew
To you,
I was less than nothing.
How cruel,
But true
That you were
Truly something.

We fall
Into design.
A pretend world
Created,
According to the eyes
Of ones with no sight.
We live,
And we die.
Some fight
And some hide.
Both strong in right,
Though equal in fear.
As living through others,

Makes life unclear.

So here I am,
Learning and living.

So little did I know,
Before believing.

These emotions,
We are feeling,
Have purpose,
Have meaning.

And that I,
Right now,
Am truly healing.

Sit with me,
Just for a while.
I am no creature,
Nor am I vile.
I ponder and wander,
Sitting alone.
Perhaps your company
Would feel like home?
It is too silent,
But I cannot say.
My body stays quiet,
Through night and day.
As all I crave,
Is a word to share.
To someone who stays,

And someone who cares.

Dare I say,
I take it day by day.

Moments of play,
Sculpted like clay.

But a thought to die
Pops up in my mind.

My mind,
Once flourished
Turns decayed,
Malnourished.

It captures my brain.

Perhaps I'm insane?

But on the outside,
I am sane.

No worry
To come my way.

All is well,
I know,
For that will stay the same.

It cannot change,
I CANNOT BE THIS WAY.

But alas,
I am.
I fall ill
In earth's hands.

For now
I carry utter guilt,
And blame.

What a shame.

Walk,
Talk,
Sleep,
Wake.
This is my cycle,
Day to day.
It drags,
It flows,
It gives me less hope.
No cycle with hills,
Just a constant low.
In skin,
In body,
In sin
And woes.

My calling is somewhere,
But where is it I go?

The feeling of neutral,
Is bleak and bland.

For I cannot fathom
This life of random.
This feeling of doom,

It is present
Yet seldom.

It is static
And paralytic.

I feel erratic.

Yet I am calm,
Content.

But my mind,
Unresponsive,
Perhaps braindead.

My sanity,
Decreased
To the thinnest thread.

As this feeling of neutral,
Has emptied my head.

TW: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM

My body,
My punishment.
This world is cruel,
And I,
The puppet.

A stabbing sadness,
Shrivels my heart.
Pain,
Becomes painless,
As skin,
Becomes art.

Woes to wounds,
The sheets I have bled.
As a desire,
So deadly,

Leads me to temptation,
Again.

The light,
It caves into me.

Chirping birds
And buzzing bees.

I feel free
Of sickness,
Sadness,
To the highest of degree.

The light brighter
Than the sunshine we see.

My joy
Taller than the tallest tree.

Yet it still grows,
Up it goes,
As it perches behind me.

As I sit
Beneath the meadows
Of yellow,
With children bellowing
Sweet melodies
Around me.

I believe
And receive,
Life's joy through my body.

I am in light,
And full of delight,

That this is what life can truly be.

Fire.
It burns inside my body.
Cold water forms my newly born tears.
Regret lingers through my decaying mind,
As I stand,
And wait.
A word spoken from you,
Shatters my glass body,
And crystalises it.
I mend myself,
As you too begin to break me once more.
My resistance to your fatal touch becomes weaker.
But still I stand,
As I turn to you.
I still pleasure you with my pain,
My faults,
Myself.
You begin to laugh at my disobedience to your immature requests,
And I breathe a sigh.
A sigh of lost hope
As I run up those steps to safety,
And weep,
For now I know that you have won.

My fault,
And only my own.
That's what you say
In your dim dark tone.
I pick up the phone,
Shaking with rage.
You have my senses
Locked in a cage.
But I stay,
And fray,
For you know best.
Studying my words,
Like an upcoming test.
Taking my heart
To put it in rest.
And that is something,
I deeply detest.
Yet I still
Stay,

For my mind has reset.