An easy breath,
Blows through a swing,
An uneasy melody,
Fades in the horizon,
Of pink and blue,
I chased after the sky,
I climbed up this hill,
To abandon memories,
I hear,
Your breath,
A whisper from a music box,
Repeating the same tune,
I don't want to linger,
I cannot forget,
This rhythm,
That is your breath.

Some days I feel like glass,
Of tiny shards put together,
Ones I found over time and pass,
With clumsy hands I gather,

I pieced one next to the other,
Like a puzzle I needed to solve,
I acted like my own doctor,
To make whole and then evolve,

And even though some pieces are amiss,
And crevices need to be filled,
There is still a feeling of completeness,
And I was proud of the me I built,

But then I met you and BAM!
You gave me a really hard shake,
One that reminded me of what I really am,
Pieced-together glass that could easily break,

It’s not the first time I’ve been broken,
But unlike the last when I could see,
When I trusted myself to reawaken,
This time, a darkness envelopes me,

Unlike last time when pieces around me revolve,
And eventually fall down onto a solid ground,
This time, they will scatter and dissolve,
Into an emptiness, lost and never found.

A quicksand cyclones downward at the center,
A spiraling hole spun around by the sands that enter,
They scratch at the innards of my heart,
Pulling everything down and ripping it apart,

I’ve tossed so many things at it,
But they just drop into this endless pit,
Nothing seems to fill it up,
Instead everything just gets ****** up,

It’s like having my flesh sliced by scattered grains,
Spun at high velocity as it sheers against my veins,
Carving out tiny wounds accumulate into scars,
Blood seeping, lost and disappearing with its cause,

Cries are ****** up and then dispersed,
Scattered into pieces until it’s no longer heard,
Screams are silenced by a ringing vacuum,
Run through bleeding veins buried in my womb,

It’s like something wants to come up,
Like a volcano that’s ready to erupt,
Everything that’s been sunk and saturated full,
It’s getting ready to finally burst my soul,

I didn’t want to shut it all up,
It wasn’t my choice to have it all ****** up,
I tried so hard to pull it out with my strength,
But I underestimated the length of my pain,

It’s been loaded and treated with all its vice,
So I don’t know how to clean it up nice,
I think my exterior is too thick for it to ever explode,
But I think that one day, I am going to implode.

My heart's been busy busy,
Dizzy, fizzy, silly,
Buzz buzz here comes those bees,
Wheelie, feelies, kissies.

I dreamed a dream,
It was beautiful and serene,
It spun me off my feet,
With kisses that tasted so sweet,

But in this dream,
A shadow lurked about,
For I was spun so dizzy,
So dazed that I could not see,

My mind knew what my heart denied,
Still, I followed my heart through and through,
I ventured into a fantasy,
And continued to dance, a bit clumsily.

But as the music intensified,
I sensed the shadow only stronger,
So I turned up the song even louder,
And danced the dance even faster,

But soon my feet grew tired,
And I could hear scratches in our song,
The shadow creeped up and stared,
As my dream became a nightmare,

In this nightmare, I shook all over,
With fear, I clutched onto a fading light,
I wanted to believe this dream could be real,
I wanted to dance with him forever,

But deep down, I probably always knew
That the dream was only a dream,
That one day, I would need to awake,
And face this shadow that was always there,

All I wanted was to dance with him forever,
And if he had danced just as hard,
I would have belonged with him forever,
But alone, my heart grew tired,

Alone, I had to endure this nightmare,
Alone, I listened to the scratches,
Alone, I stared back into this shadow,
Alone, I opened my eyes to see clear,

I listened with my heart,
I felt with my soul,
The aches in my body,
The tears that would not hold,

The shadow wasn’t a nightmare,
But a reality tucked away,
My heart finally gave up,
As my mind started to speak,

“It is a beautiful dream,
But it isn’t for me”,

I wanted to dance with him forever,
But now with him, it’s all over.

Oh! I am so bored with the same,
The repetition that makes my brain go lame,
I am frustrated of tasks so mundane,
All my routines are just so plain,

The changing of clothes in the morning,
I draw circles on my teeth--I’m brushing,
The mindless drive to work on the same road,
I am just on an automatic mode,

But all of a sudden there is ****,
And I drop and sink into a pit,
So dark, I can’t see what’s ahead,
No, because I stop caring what’s ahead,

Like everyone turned off the light,
And there is no more color in sight,
The taste of food turns bland,
Can’t even jive to the tunes of my favorite band.

And then I really slump into auto-mode,
Slugging to work on the same old road,
Brushing my teeth from swirl to swirl,
Still showering when my world is in a whirl.

Still changing my clothes at every sunrise,
And then one day I suddenly realize,
As I slurp the milk and the grains,  
There is still a part of me that remains:

My dear routines.

When everything feels dead,
And nothing beautiful seen,
Routines keep me fed,
Routines keep me clean.

When my heart has hit the sack,
My mind saturate with thought,
My routines got my back,
My routines need not be sought.

When there’s no motivation to be,
When I don’t want a thing,
My routines does it all for me,
My routines that cost nothing.

When it takes all my energy just to smile,
And all time is lost in it all,
And the next step feels like a mile,
And moving forward is like a crawl,

I still got my routines,
I still got my routines,
I still got my routines,
I still got my routines,

My routines to take care of me.

A mist clouds over my being,
Saturating the lungs that want to sing,
I feel tears that yearn to come out,
My entire body just wants to shout.

But quiet tears remain within,
With words trapped—a voice grows thin,
What is this mist that surrounds my heart,
******* it, I just want to tear it apart.

To rip myself open and wide,
And hear my soul that has cried,
What is this mist clouding within,
Stifling myself, my feelings therein.

I’m swimming in a sea of warmth,
Waves that rub along my skin like silk,
Each wave a push and pull,
Of muscles being massaged,
Relaxing and softening,
With each wave that splashes,
Sends tingles vibrating through,
They rush through as I gasp for air,
And I breathe into this sea of warmth,
And I taste all of its salt,
Prickling and tickling my tongue,
And with one final wave,
I disappear and surrender into this sea of warmth.

No word tonight,
Yet another day,
I will miss,
And reminisce,
Of what could have been,

No word this morning,
Yet another day,
Of longing,
Of hoping to hear,
From you sweet words,

No word this evening,
Another day passed,
Of silence,
Sinking through me,
Envelop-ing the day,

No word from you,
Now past midnight,
Thoughts of you,
Of you, of you, of you,
I only think of you,

I’m drowning,
Trying to catch,
And slow my breaths,
So that I may sleep,
And forget all of you,

No word at all,
Nothing,
It’s gone,
It’s over,
Now I know,
Of we, that never was.

A puddle of water lies near my feet,
Layered with mud that sink deep,
The water reveals an angry face,
Stirring up jitters from those days,
The mud distorts images I try to recall,
Making better or worse than what I saw,
Maybe through the layers and the haze,
There is a much softer face,
One that I can’t remember,
Because all I see is anger.

Two little cherries
Linked and swinging
Tap tap, kiss kiss
Two little cherries
Cheek on cheek.

A glass cup sits on a table,
Five inches tall and smooth walls,
Plain, ordinary, transparent,
Water filled to the rim,
Glistening, clean, and pure.

A thirsty man sees the cup,
Gets excited and reaches out,
Be gentle, he says to himself,
But the water still spills,
It was filled to the the rim, you see.

A few drops fell onto the table,
But it's only a few,
Only a few drops slipped,
Only a few drops gone,
Only a few drops missed.

The man takes a gulp,
Quenching his thirst,
The water is no longer pure,
He takes another gulp,
The cup is no longer clean,
Another and another,
Until a sliver is left.

The man refills the cup,
With something he likes,
Slightly below the rim this time,
The liquid is no longer clear,
But the glass still transparent.

The man takes another gulp,
Another and a few sips,
Until there is two inches left,
He abandons the cup,
         Unfinished.

A glass cup sits on a table,
Filled less than halfway,
Opaque and unclean,
It stands on the table,
Among clean water,
         Spilled from before.

A hopeful start,
New and exciting,
A slight step back,
Then a bold push forward.

An evolving middle,
Filled with giggles and laughs,
A few tasty adventures,
Secret stories unraveled.

A rapid middle,
High fives and hugs,
A swim towards closeness,
A crescendo towards trust,

An escalating middle,
A dance of emotions,
Expressions of sympathy,
A friendship is forged.

An unexpected ******,
Fighting and crying,
Suspecting questions and answers,
Poisoning the trust.

And a chosen end.

Is it okay,
For my thoughts to wander to you,
To retrace your smiles toward me,
You stealing secret stares at me,
Missing me when you can’t see me.

Is it okay,
To fantasize your touch…
Your lips brushed against mine…
…Shamelessly.

Is it okay,
Without guilt,
To imagine our lives together,
A life where you only loved me,
On picnic blankets under a tree,
Smiling and laughing,
As you caress me in your arms,
Breathing into my ears,
Calling out my name.

Then,
Let me dream of you
Fearlessly, and
Fully,
One last time,
Until I give you up
Completely.

Hazel eyes decorated by light lashes,
Your soul burrowed within,
I glance at passive eyes,
Afraid of what I cannot find,
I brush your lashes with *******,
So I may see you,
I brush your eyes with quivering lips,
So I may kiss your soul,
But you remain distant.

I want to reach you,
To see your soul for its entirety,
But I cannot excite your stoic eyes,
So I decide to remove my gaze,
From your hazel irises.

You held my hand loosely in yours,
But then you started to let go,
Your hand slowly brushed against mine,
The tips of your fingers touching and leaving mine,
The warmth of your hand leaving mine limp,

During that moment,
I felt the tiny threads connecting our fingers,
Stretched, but wanting to pull back together,
I felt the hesitation in your release,
Your desire to hold on,
My desire to hold on,
The passion and heat I felt in my body.

I wanted you to hold on!
I wanted you to be bold,
And grab onto my hand,
You were so close,
But instead, you let go,
And I didn't grab onto you.

Love is a swarm of emotions,
So many different colors,
Some bright and vibrant,
Between grey shades,
Weaving in and out,
Like waves rising and falling,
Thrashing during an unsettling storm,
Lightning strikes my core,
Rain pours and cleans,
Then calms into stillness,
As the sun peeps behind the horizon,
Clouds blush pink and orange,
An ocean shows off its pretty diamonds,
As my lips curl into a smile.

You wrapped your arm around me,
And gave an unexpected squeeze,
So firm, so affectionate, so sure,
It tickled my heart.

I still feel the tickles from yester-night,
Tingling across my chest,
Trickling down into my stomach,
Sending giggles down my spine.

I long for another hug.

A large rock fell, pressed down on my chest
Squeezing my muscles and tightening my heart,
My heart pounds and pounds for it to come off,
But it just gets heavier.

My whole body stiffens and sweats,
Everything is all twisted like screws,
By your smiles, by your voice.

I hug the rock tightly,
It’s heavy and I cry,
I cry because I can’t push it off,
I cry because it hurts so much,
It hurts because I can’t have you.

I’m squeezed like a lemon,
My feelings so sour,
The juice, so acidic,
Burning me within,
It leaves a hole in my stomach,
Expanding into a vacuum,
******* away at my mind,
As false memories of you,
Steal away my sanity.

I count the seconds till the clock strikes twelve,
The only thing I can count on.
No cakes, no candles, no presents,
No friends expected.
Another year and day about to pass,
The loneliest day of the year.

I know no-one will knock,
But I sit close to the door.
I know no-one will call,
But I have my phone ready.
It is the longest day,
As I wait for them.
It is the shortest day,
As I hope they make it in time.
Nobody knocks,
And nobody calls.

On this day,
I blow out imaginary candles, and wish
With all my heart,
That I didn’t have a birthday.

Before the sun rises,
My dreams surrender to the same beeps,
I get up expecting nothing different,
Nothing exciting, nothing new,
A humble shirt and pants to blend.

Same bus arrives,
On time as expected,
Passengers dressed in shades of grey,
Unfamiliar faces with ****** expressions,
Sit and wait quietly for their stops.

One, two, three blocks I count,
Ten minutes of houses in rows,
Then ten minutes of tall, dark greens,
Until I pass a hill and fire trucks,
Then it's finally time to leave.

At work, the same people wave a hi,
While others greet with cordial smiles,
The same tasks repeat,
Like a never-ending purpose,
That solely serves to never end.

Same bus arrives,
On time as expected,
Passengers dressed in shades of brown,
Unfamiliar faces with empty glances,
Stare only ahead or at their laps.

It passes the fire station,
       And then the hill,
       Some clouds hover in the sky,
       Perhaps it'll rain,
Though it doesn't matter.

Ten minutes of tall trees pass by,
        I've grown attached to these scenes,
        An atmosphere so banal and plain,
        Even the unfamiliar pedestrians,
Bring comfort and security.

Ten minutes of houses in lines,
        Even the indifferent greetings,
        Release pressures to form friendly bonds,
        And the never-ending tasks,
That allow for stability.

One, two, three blocks left to go,
       Until this cycle repeats,
       And once it ends,
       I would lose a blessing,
A mundane luxury I will miss.

My mind is blank,
Not even a blur,
What were my thoughts,
I can't remember.

Memories fill a sea,
Levels rise tirelessly,
Whose smile was it,
Carried away by waves.

Birds above smirk and pass,
I stare down at my feet,
Where am I,
Alone.

I press a palm against my chest,
To hear a familiar sound,
A beat I don't recognize,
My sea grows desolate.

A ball of yarn full of intertwines,
Though the core a mesh of twists and folds,
One thread overlapping another all around,
Like how one path crosses many others,
Twisting, winding labyrinth,
But organized into a sphere,
And when the sphere unravels,
The paths untwist and untangle,
We realize,
That the thread overlaps not another,
But itself a hundred times over,
A single, long thread remains,
Encompassing all paths into one,
Then we finally see,
Despite the complex intricacies
There remains a single thread,
With one beginning and one end,
Shared by all,
Though we differ in between,
I am you,
And you are I.