i wait standing at the old metal gate
my soul is tired, it has been a long Monday
then i see you run toward me
that action alone makes
my heart bloosom like
all bright seeds, turning
toward you, the sunshine
of my world
One more time,
as I remain edgy.
One more time,
your total silence
One more time,
I am drowning in
a web of miseries.
So, will you be back
one more time
One more time,
while I dream on.
One more time,
I lapse into
a never ending solitude.
One more time,
a kaleidoscope of promises
So, will you hold me
one more time ...
I was raised by a mentally ill father.
Because there is comfort in numbers,
I, too, was afflicted by a similar disorder.
It’s difficult to separate the person from the sickness,
Sometimes we become the shadowy monster,
Embrace it with wilted roses,
Knowing too well that of everything else,
The disorder will still be there,
My shadow has been dormant.
My father’s is still active,
Sometimes when we meet it’s like a perfect storm,
A tornado of comfort.
Someone understands the climate.
I take my father’s hand encouragingly,
He turns to run, squirrely,
The shadow greets me with open arms.
I love the shadow as much as I love the man.
After all, there is comfort in numbers.
and no matter how much i tell myself that i will never be anything to you but a hole to fuck, as i twist my head back to look at you, your eyes closed with bliss, the space between your eyes wrinkled, and your lips stuttering with harsh grunts with every thrust of your body in me,
a whine escapes my mouth,
and almost carelessly, as if it cost you nothing at all,
you reach down down down;
mercy comes in the form of your tongue on my lips, and like a parched traveler, i drink from your mouth
as if it were an oasis in this damned wasteland
( Sonnet )
Sound softly hung, she spoke, gave birth to place;
And there, found him closed in, frozen, shivering.
Her dawn light hands gently warmed his face;
His winter room sweetly broke into the spring.
After darkness died he felt strange bonds again;
Birds chimed, flew by, and the walls fell away.
Locked in her arms the turning world grew open;
His eyes nestled in the light her joy had made
And with her temperance swelled his weary eyes;
This was the day of her birth, Venus by the seas
And lonely air was steeping, the ground set aside
His tabled world was now a feral garden green.
Dearest countenance, with only grace she lies,
With merest touch, turned all ceilings into sky.
And I go on looking
for the one to touch places never touched before,
a hundred years of loneliness for one day in her arms
(a day in the realm of time another hundred years)
And you go on looking
for the one that holds the other missing part
and will chart all his dreams on a map of your heart
(only part of your dreams as you carry his half)
And we go on looking
never finding roads leading straight to each other
as we share the same sky and walk the same earth
(only twice, once for you and once for me)
our dreams run aground, our rivers run dry
our search for each other, no hello, no goodbye
parallel akin paths never meet one another-
It's late, around 1 am
There aren't any whispers
But you can see a small light coming out of my room
Seeing myself wrtiting this poem
It's all transparent now
Εnunciating each feeling on the paper
It's all so vulnerable and sensitive
Deafining thoughts inside my head
Trying to escape
But all the gates are closed
Nobody in, noone out
I wandering walked
In a dream of a well
Soul shivered and shocked
For my hope shattered shell
All bravery balked
At the toll of a bell
Falling from clouds
To drown in dark lake
I startled awake
Heart and head bowed
I felt my fists shake
Waking’s a struggle to drive
Away dreams of dark omen
Unwary, I close my eyes
They rise before me again
Why is the reward of my past
The return of darkness in my dreams?
When I thought I could rest at last
A new curse is cast upon me
I despair of the chance to ask
Why can I never be free?
I am not the best at keeping in touch
I don't call or text my parents often
or my friends.
But for almost two years
I seemed to have lost touch with myself
Anger and Sadness and
I was so void of me
for almost two whole years.
How does a person live without themselves for two years?
Some do it all their lives
I don't want to be like that.
I want to take the steps to feel like me
Just putting in the effort to care is the first one.
So hello myself,
it's been a while.
Thirteen roses in a row
Red rain falls,
Don't you know
Down the window
Pain it goes
In the gutters
Through the nose
Where's the thunder
When it flows...?
The gauze that's stained
What difference snow?
The same as pain
When it melts
It's just rain.
It's a howling in the eaves
It's the cult the
No one cares.
No one grieves.
Long jeans & sleeves.
Razors are a water slide
On track like
A carny ride
Over arms & over thighs
The pain inside
It's an ocean
Where we sail
A coin that can be
Heads or tails
A lover's letter,
Or junk mail
A piece of garbage.
A pot bubbles
up and under
the shaky lid
As a child,
my mother would
chide me for
lifting the lid
of rice and
stirring too early.
I was letting
out all the
But the bubbles
sticky white and
bursting over begged
to be released.
For a time,
my body was
not my own.
Lifted the lid,
scraped the sides,
There's very few sentences that can sum me up
as well as if I was to tell you
when the day takes too long or the night ends too quick
when the pain of the last few makes me feel like I'll never love again
or when Iron & Wine starts playing again when it's much too late for that,
then by saying sometimes
I still cry about a girl I never even got to touch.
I lost the chance years ago, but I'm still here writing about her.
for me, that means:
I am resilient. I will love you until the end of time, even if I don't know you.
I don't know when enough is enough. giving up is something I never learned how to do, and my expiration date was marked the second she took her call. knew that then, still do now.
I see clearer now than I ever have before, but I look around and I wonder what it's like to be found.
I almost got to touch her, once or twice, but I just laid in her sheets and wondered if I did it now, if it'd hurt worse later.
if I do this now, if I put it into words, will it still hurt me in the morning?
I'll never find an easier way to let you in on what the inside of my body looks like than by telling you that I still cry for a girl I never even touched.
I'm not sure you know what I mean by that.
the cold would send little snow drops
trickling down my spine
dancing and singing praise to the moonlight
gestures of repentance despite knowing my damnation I continue to sit there, looking for my salvation
But with the icy cold drops, that warm me
and a look back into my bitter stained history
i have released and accepted what has always
been known to me
that salvation and emancipation has only been a dream
bounces in my arms,
there's a softness
and canine bellies
and I wonder of its tenderness.
arms aching for flight
and I dream of the neurons
in his sweet little head.
He hasn't words!
wafts of light and dark
colors, sure, but each nameless
with little permanence
I see tears build up,
and a flash of panic across
tiny, changing eyes
But Mommy always comes back!
Closed doors cause uncertainty
but mom appears again
and Dylan reaches,
tiny fists pulsing
for mommy's finger,
necklace, messy bun.
But Mommy's arms are tired
and aching for Dad's hands
and a moment of their own-
so Dylan and I dance.
A slow dance,
I take the lead
and hold his outstretched hand.
I whisper, my words finding tiny eardrums-
Baby, darling! Stay away from
words as long as you can.
Can you promise me that?
Stay soft, stay awed, stay curious-
and take it slow.
I sigh, laughing at such a thought-
and so I whisper only the prettiest words.
Love, love, love-
think of cold fountain splashes,
sunsets over California cliffs,
sweet, melted brown sugar,
pink chiffon dress, a-twirling,
blue bird blue bird-
learn only this
Our dance ends,
the candles are blown out,
Mommy ready to tuck
Dylan into Grandma's
And so I walk away,
holding onto words
I hope he'll never need.
This skin is not my home
I can't trust
Such wicked thoughts
Was never known
Who I am
Will die at hand
I choose to remain
All I want
I refuse to touch
But I need
And crave to hold
But I'm always weak
I need the bleak
Hurts less when cold
The pain it brings
It kills in waves
My veins they burn
My soul is torn
Are growing weak
I try to stand
And fight the plan
I try to make
But the ground
My mind does break
I can't take the loss
These words, straight from my tumultuous soul. Another one with a hagridden, asphyxiating heart. 1---*-2 purblind eyes as injudicious as always. Even though airy for a change turned bovine, storming, screaming, it wants me blind. Gelid weather left behind, duplicating my touch from brisk to biting, killing the lie within your skin that was never on display.
Meaningless memories smothering the limbic system. Willthis be all that remain? Lets hang it up.
There's just another withering fire, burning the secrets. Will this be all that remain? Lets stab it deep.
Like a pernicious disease, dreams of the promised, made me blind. Will this be all that remain? Lets tear them out.
Like a metastatic infection, the pretense makes my skin numb. Will this be all that remain? Lets cut it open.
Now I'm calling 26280 and still you put me straight through to voice mail. I've had enough. I beg of you, please loosen the grip so I can renovate my fragmented life.
and wake me
I once used to be
wash through me
the places I've been
for a moment
I am there again
savoring the feelings
I once felt through
every part of my flesh
to be more
the air of the cosmos
Lost in the deepest part of darkness,
I have come upon the most monstrous, appalling creatures ever existed;
a noxious realm encompassed of fiendish howls and growls from the bravest of all kinds
From where I unravel the garment of fraudulent sophistication—a sweet taste of liberty
From where I diverge from the twisted notions of the tainted society
This is the domain of my very own.
This is my home...
I remember us driving through that city: your city.
Your eyes misty with nostalgia
As you told me about the places you use to visit,
And the ones that you still do;
Pointing them out as we went:
M&T Bank Stadium.
The Inner Harbor.
You even pointed out the bar where you buy your Natty Boh,
even though you shouldn't;
All the while showing me places your family loves to go when you come home.
You brought me into your world that day,
Never realizing you didn't want me to stay.
I thought you knew what you were doing as you held my hand,
Showing me the land from which you came.
Now, a year later, I'm wiser to your ways.
I am finally letting go of the hopes that you betrayed.
I wish you well, I truly do.
But I have finally learned that there is someone better out there for me than you.
I ripple in Prussian blue
I smother the night's puncture wounds
In circular ponds
Looking for you
I fade away
In shades of asbestos grey
And I don't need
The old me anymore
Please, don't go
Your blossoming smile
It's pitch black
Now you've gone to sleep
Just don't go
you never saw
what i was
i was nothing more than a place
to make yourself comfortable
for a few nights
i didn't have anything
i was boring
i was nothing to you
and i don't think words
could ever tell the pain
you have made me feel
it is just empty
being your home
i thought i'd at least feel a little less
but dead i am
i don't have anything
i am boring
nothing to you
and now nothing to me, too
You cling to me like cellophane,
wrapping yourself around myself
with your electric forked tongue,
as you drag each of my neurons
out into the world; exposed they are,
as I am left to feel their nakedness and chills.
I feel their bite and electric fields.
their pain has become my friend.
© 2017 Amanda D Shelton
I wish to age like a wrap-around porch
In a thunder storm,
While generations tell tales,
A porch of blinking stars,
A place to run out of rain,
With wooden steps for deliveries,
With ascending and descending friends.
I will age like a tree, grow stronger in the wind;
Give shade and shelter to all
Beneath my ring-aged limbs.
I wish to age as a river bends,
Contiguous with all shores;
Floating everyone I know
On eternal waters defying death,
A current winding with no rest.
I will age like a star,
Burning bright, giving light,
Something to reach for.
I wish to age like a mountain,
With secret caves and riches.
And you can rock your soul
Around, over or through,
Solid, snow-capped summit,
I will age as the moon,
In stages, full and new;
Each night different,
As all who age will do.
Someday you'd ask me
in between the fine lines etched on your face
the fine lines in between good and evil
Someday you'd ask me,
on how people can be so crass,
how the world works and where do you stand in it...
So let me tell you before you ask...
Close your eyes, darling
turn your head away from all the bitterness of this world
Close your eyes darling,
from all the twisted minds, the turns and dirty tricks of it
Close your eyes darling,
from its dark secrets and its inhabitants'...
That's where the fountain of youth's at...
Look no further,
just close tour eyes, darling...
This world might be cruel and spiteful at times, but so shouldn't you be...
I do not wish you to choose,
although the choices are yours,
I would say naivety is not a sin,
a naivety is innocence
I would never ask you to participate
Although and if this world is cold,
I wish you to withstand it,
because more than the beauty they see
is the core of beauty inside you
and that is what I wish you to hold...
Remember what you've been told...
Happiness is thick air,
Full of anticipation;
A silvery autumn breeze
Skating across the textured sky;
Laughter bouncing between friends,
Escaping briefly to bring smiles to the faces of onlookers.
Nostalgia is when the moon is bright,
So the whole family steps outside to see it;
Driving at daybreak,
Hues of pink and gold and orange painting one’s vision;
Not quite catching fireflies,
But reaching for them anyway.
Anger is a rainy day,
When the sun still glimmers through the dark clouds;
An eyelash perched delicately on someone’s cheek,
Wiped away without a wish being made;
The pounding of music,
As it shakes bones and rattles hearts.
Sadness is a freezing winter night,
When not even breaths can be kept secret;
The dim glow of streetlamps at the glimmer of dawn,
Flickering before going out altogether until night falls again;
The last whisper of color in the air,
In the unrecognized moment that day warps into night and the world is almost still.
Emotions are yours to define.
I picked a pair of golden apples
From the bottom of the pile
The apples all came tumbling down
And you looked at me with a smile
You picked a pair of golden apples
And handed them to me
You asked if you could lend a hand
"Let me help you pick up all of these"
Well I just stood there looking silly
"I sure have made quite the mess"
And you just stood there foolishly grinning
"We'll have to clean it up then I guess"
So I bent down to pick one up
And you bent to pick one too
But we bonked heads as we cleaned the mess
And now your poor head has a bruise
you're not doing well
with skin like bed sheets
ebbing tides in your forehead
and the malady that keeps your mind guessing,
these next six nights
of not having to feel
so alone will make you
fall back into sleep
to grow roots.
i'll cut holes in the ozone
to put your heartache in
i'll walk you to the hospital,
i'll wait in a white room,
place your sad eyes in my drawers
until my hand breaks
the universe is twice as big as we think it is
and 'you are so important to me'
is easier to digest than
skipping heart beats
i miss you like a dart hits the iris of a bullseye,
or a train ticket screams 4:30 at 4:47,
i've fallen in love
you're the only one that made that idea
I lost myself
And I thought it was fine
After all it is my own self
So it will be definitely easy to find
That what I kept telling myself
And it turned out to be a lie
I lost those I love the most
And whatever is left in me now is gone
They passed away and left me alone
Trapped between misery and fears
Crying can't ease the pain anymore
I tried to survive in a world you're not in it
But I miserably failed
My losing streak is breaking records
I can no longer bear
I hear my heart screaming please have mercy
I'm broken beyond repair
© Ame Agami
Went on a bike ride, sort of long;
a turn we took was sort of wrong.
Got sort of lost; we paid the price;
my water didn't quite suffice.
I plunged my face down in the cold,
the way we did in days of old,
just hoping that my luck would hold,
so alien it sort of seemed
like something that I might have dreamed,
back in the days I loved the best,
like milk from mother nature's breast,
when I was young and life was fun
and killing Earth had just begun.
Distance is such a cruel mistress
It can make you feel great
Or it can bring great sadness
For me it is a mixture of both
The love of my life
At such distance
Makes sorrow come alive
And take root in my soul
But the pain of my existence
At such a distance
Brings joy to my soul
And forms a conflict
The soul now in turmoil
Fighting for control
The pain slowly wins
As the joy slowly dies
Lost in thought
The head does wander
To places we must not tread
Great sorrow lives in those walls
For when the minds wanders
It gets lost for what seems eternity
Breaking the silence
With screams of dismay
Running around this maze
Fleeing from the pain
Easier to say
Much harder to do
We fall into a pit
In which there is no escape
Crying out in pain
For the love in the distance