I said no.
That should of been the end.
But i guess the chorus of "stops" werent loud enough,
I guess the sound of my cries werent either.
You left a hole inside me,
A hole i will be stuck trying to fill.
This body is no longer my own.
This body has been tainted and broken by you.
As the days go on it consumes me.
Im affraid that one day i wont be me anymore.
Ill just be a shell of the girl i once was.
The girl who you broke,
The one who loved you unconditionally.
Even after what you did.
So now im stuck trying to put myself back together,
Forever searching for the pieces you stole.
My ceiling stares back at me as I yawn
My eyelids feel heavy yet I can't sleep
Yet here I am, wide awake
01:00 - The usual time
02:00 - The new normal
03:00 - I might miss my alarm if I don't sleep
I stare at my ceiling as I think
My thoughts are jumbled
Messed up, unclear
04:00 - Is there a point in sleeping at all
05:00 - Barely any sleep time left now
06:00 - An hour until I hear the song
Now there's no point at all
I rub my eyes and I yawn
Yet another sleepless night
You are a ice cream that has a cherry on top
You are like a cozy blanket in a house
You are like a heart in the sky that is beautiful
Combine all of them together
It makes a ice cream that is wrapped in a blanket that is in the sky that is beautiful
I love you daddy
I know you won't understand how I came forth with this conclusion
Thinking I was happy was no more than an illusion
Just once I thought you would go and ask
But you never did, so my pain wouldn't pass.
even if someone showed they cared
My mind wouldn't change.
Just uselessly shared.
Not once have I been understood.
Not my family or even my doctors are good.
One day sadness rose to an ineffable height.
I saw no escape, nor did I see light.
Oh how nefarious people seemed to be.
Just endlessly firing words as if on a killing spree.
My life is a book, though I tend not to read.
It's filled with sweet sorrows, not flowers but weeds.
For My decrepit heart could beat no more
And my tears shall finally rest, instead of pour.
The fog descended unexpectedly
With tattered shreds of broken dreams
Tainted in lifeless hues of grey
Hope shattered at the ragged seams
Bleak clouds of desolation rolled in
Raining sorrow-filled drops of jolting pain
Penetrating the black slick road of life
Where faded lights of happiness are slain
Blowing winds of surging melancholy
Break the stillness with glass-splintered spears
Impaling brick walls of confidence
Stirring a dour release of flooding tears
Still earth quivers in baleful silence
As pain’s icy touch blisters the air
In a hail storm of ashen dejection
A weary soul walks alone in despair
We were never them
their glass would shatter and scatter
when hard times came
but you and i
we may have cracked
but our shortcomings became masterpieces
of what we used to be,
celebrations of what we weren't:
then we fell
through the same cracks we celebrated
and nothing broke our fall
so we floated,
in disbelief, we gazed at each other
where a thrashing ocean of emotions
pierced our stare,
a draining era
that left us like them,
How do I silence the screeching
Of the monsters inside of me?
Scowling phantoms cast judgement,
Plaguing my body with a sickness;
Insignificance in a cyclical pattern.
Transfigure this wasteland into
An alluring garden; a sort of haven.
Lure the beasts away so I may sleep
Expecting you to be there
Expecting you to care
As I get lost in the echo
Of your hollow words
Whispers of emotions
You didn’t feel
Telling others of first sight
and first touch
but truly not recalling them
I became the victim
Of your “three word lie”
As I feel my heart die
knowing you can never
knowing you will never
Feel the way I felt
when I looked into your eyes
Until you have bent your ear to Shakespeare's sonnets,
Till you have laughed with Ogden Nash,
Wept with Frost, visited Byron's ghost,
Read the songs of King Solomon,
And once you
Despair of being their equal,
Shed your winter coat of worry,
Screw your courage to the sticking point,
Begin to write then with reckless courage,
Unfettered abandon, make a fool of yourself!
Scout the competition.
Weep, for you and I will never surpass
The giants who preceeded us, and yet,
Laugh, cause they thought the same thing as well...
October 26, 2017
Please be there.
Life is not being fair.
I’m drowning in my own tears,
As I’m trying to run away from my fears.
However, it’s no use.
I suffered enough abuse.
I’m trying my best to reach my heavenly paradise.
Yet, my love became numb and cold like ice.
I’m slowly becoming blue,
And now I have no clue.
I no longer have the desire.
To have myself keep this fire.
Life is slipping through my hands.
I do not have the ability to stand.
Once I’m gone, nothing else can go wrong.
It won’t be very long.
I will soon be free.
So, I will still be with thee.
I will be around like the crispy leaves that fall upon you.
I will be like the snow that prances around too.
I will be like the sun rays that shines down.
So when the rain starts to pour, you will then have no frown.
I suffered because of my life being filled with lies.
However, I’ll stick around so we don’t have to say our good-byes.
I felt slightly uneasy and slightly confused.
I was disorientated and I couldn't figure out how to stand straight.
The empathy in the room was gone.
It was filled with soulless creatures I once called friends.
The devil danced on my back and I found myself watching all the people I once loved turning into people I wanted to destroy.
Little things set me off and my patience was thinner then paper.
I could see through the looking glass- my memories were just over the rabbit hole and beyond.
Instead, I slipped farther down and down into the core of the earth until the darkness took control.
I could feel the heat- the rising of anger and jealousy that kept me from being happy for them.
I hated them.
I wanted them out of my life.
But I kept them around to help fuel the fire that was keeping me alive.
I kept them there so when I went to bed lonely and sad - least I was warmed by bitterness.
I kept them so when the envious monster of jealously came pouring down my throat-- least I wouldn't be thirsty for something I knew I'd never have.
It doesn't take one thing to send you into the pessimistic oblivion you call life- it takes an avalanche.
It takes a hurricane of pain and sadness.
It takes a tornado of loneliness and pity.
It took a massive earthquake of people telling you over and over again things were going to be okay.
The devil is dancing on my shoulders again, and he's threatening me with the idea that if I just give up now- maybe I won't be alone forever.
That the ghost's and demons will keep me company.
That the memories will be enough to hold me over.
Maybe I'll let him win, maybe I won't.
Maybe someone will help me out of this mess I call life...
or Maybe they won't.
I feel empty,
So I filled myself with lard.
Maybe now you'll dent me,
Manipulate my shards.
Coax me into being
Something you could love.
Doves are spilling, woven
Twillings, cataracts above.
Seeing is harder with you,
Especially from this shelf.
Why bite the hand that feeds you,
When you insist to feed yourself?
Do you feel empty too?
I wake up aching.
My body sore from bruises camouflaged as smiles.
Sore from the elephant that has found its home on my chest.
Aching from my lead-filled heart and my poisoned arteries.
But my body is persistent.
It grips onto life with its bony claws, grasping pathetically at signs of hope.
Just give up already.
You make me feel different.
No longer the odd man out
even when I am alone.
Around you its real,
I strut not slouch.
No longer wasting smiles.
I tried and tested the adage
'You cannot break your own heart'
I never thought I would be that focus group.
I guess I just love you Is All
Need you Is All
I didn't know I was waiting for someone like you.
You opened my eyes and cleared the clouds.
My heart beats so hard it hurts, if this is love then....
I guess I am just hoping Is All
Just thinking out loud Is All
You showed me the color of glass.
You only have to stay for a day, or 2 or 3, Forever max.
We will have a life that other are jealous off.
We deserve no better,
We deserve each other.
Each other is enough.
I'm just wanting Is All
I'm just craving Is All
She was the first sin made of flesh
when no act of love was lewd our wicked
before men and gods
invented shame and virtue
hers were the fingers
that carved the heart of every star
and whose kiss set their fires ablaze
to burn eternally
in the vast emptiness of space
to give us something beautiful
to look up and pray to in the moments
we can find no beauty within ourselves
and beauty is within her name
and the colors of her eyes
and lust and desire burst from her womb
like a wild garden spilling over the universe
to give life hunger and reason
and she carved out a small piece of her soul
to give time a heartbeat
and set eternity into motion
and she is as old as she is young
for she lives outside
of the rules of deterioration and death
she is endless and kind
and you felt the warmth of her breath
in your lungs in your first gasp of air
and you will know her again briefly
as your take your last
and hear the sound
of her gently black wings carry you off
to the place where stars are born
and she carves you into a heart
to float in the sky
and comfort those
who need to find beauty
somewhere outside of themselves
Two thousand tears shed
All because you took my unconscious body to bed
What was going through your head
When you peeled my skin-tight dress off of me
What did you see
Did you see me
Or was I just something to get you off
Was it the dead weight of my body that turned you on
Or the fact that I had just turned 21?
I believe true love exists everywhere.
It's in the coffee shop. Shy glances exchanged between two strangers whilst sipping on their cappuccinos.
It's in the supermarket. The guy that goes to the same checkout girl because of her cute smile.
The best friends who know they are perfect for each other but neither dare utter a word.
The old couple next door. Him watching as she tends to the garden, tea in hand, with that same twinkle in his eye that he had when they first met.
The illicit couple who can't end it because their feelings for each other hold them hostage.
The way two colleagues share a meaningful stare during the office meeting.
It's even in the couple arguing in the street. Those spiteful words so carelessly delivered because she loves him so much and he doesn't understand.
I look for it everywhere.
I look for YOU everywhere.
Twice, I find
Myself sitting here but knitting
A knot, my insides
in a twist
my organs blooming,
From their flower landscapes exploding
~ a dead fist
I'm dead, but with words rising within my solar plexus
like poetry expanding
it's cellular shapes resurrected
I need more now.
I need the pulling off of skins hold
& stripping down
of their very souls.
Like a low arched frown,
I break down-
A clowned, King I am crowned
I need to meet
A dethroned, depth of falling
I need to be pushed off the silent gates of madness
& into an endless sea,
There's no looking back into the world of past, but I do for weeks
& one day my senses piqued
from slightest brushes
of pouring hot-tar-steams
into my seams
A shadow of me, my outlines are fading,
my mouth, a searing
crimson wound- a bad dream
Vein pulses in me
Rivers of words, with fire-like-intensity - flooding
In my vexation
down to my decomposition
aching for that
distinct relief, my eyes beg to see your face's intricacies
My essence, molecular,
It's overflowing with memories
giving me a pang of pain, a knife
in grotesque, raw
In two, into, & in-through my heart, sawed
Blood, rolling tides
Somewhere, out there, weeping oceans in Hell, have waves like arms hugging around the world of the repulsive
I reached out towards their embrace, & ushered the way —to me I led,
A volcanic impulse
Takes me out in crimson ebbs
& I beg
The Devil - my soul to send,
To take me, & not them.
By: Ashton C. Amstutz
You are my blue sky.
I am the ground that waits for you to fall.
You used to tell me how you loved color blue
Well that is how we ended.
In a bluest feeling that my heart can never endure
I may not rhyme in this poem.
Because we never did.
Our feelings never rhymed.
To the tune of love
That we are trying to finish.
We are like this parallel lines.
Destined to be close
But never meant to cross.
Sometimes I envy xline in autocad
Cause xline may start with x
But at the very least it has no end.
I wish we are like xlines.
We may start as x
But atleast we have forever
At its best.
How do I begin to explain to you how much you mean to me?
How do I start to tell you how you make me feel?
Or the amount of potential I see in you? In us?
When you don't even see it yourself.
I could tell you..
how much of a caring person you are,
how intelligent you are while still trying to hide it at times,
how selfless you can be,
how your face lights up when you talk about your parents,
how passionate you are about the things going on in the world around us,
how good of a listener you are,
how your humor brightens up my day,
You see, I could tell you all of these things, but I still don't think you'd understand just how worthy you are of the good things in life.
What you could give me, and have been giving me, is exactly what I need, what I deserve. So for you to tell me that I deserve better just baffles me.
Nobody is perfect, and I'm not saying that you are. But, I am saying that I'm here because I want to be. And I want to be because of the person you are, and how you make me feel.
I want to help you fight the demons in your head, the ones that tell you you're less than anything but whole.
I want you to help me with my demons, the ones that tell me I'm damaged and not deserving of love.
I want to take the risk of hurt, because it's worth it to me.
and I want you to want to, as well.
these petty things
like where the sun
Myriad unnecessary recycling
of birth and death.
Are these events not supposed to
set to an autopilot
of our amateur logic?
Within an inertia of physics
in mathematical scribbles
the rationality behind
the need to touch
through a mirage of distance where
an infinite mutual pull
is multiplied by timelessness
Her soft tenderness
Can be hard on a man
When he's used to bricks
Mortar and sand
It'll shake the foundation
Built with his hands
Leave a man aching
For all that she has
She can tear down the walls
Erecting his years
Where he once had a cause
Now tossing his cares
Knows that it's true
Without a word being said
Her soft tenderness
Can be hard on a man
She can catch him mid-stream
Have him change his mind
Make him want to leave
All he's built behind
Pulls him to shore
Beached in her warm sand
Her soft tenderness
Can be hard on a man
I saw you in fall
Red shirt, black leggings and black shoes
I saw you in winter
Black sweater, blue jeans and black shoes
No matter when i saw you, you smiled
A beautiful crystal smile
No matter the night i can always hear your voice
No matter the situation, I always smile at your laugh
No matter what
I can say, a kiss was always just a kiss
Till the day I kissed you.
Till the day you deceived
The day you used
The day I hung my head in shamed
Till the day I kissed you, became the most regretable day.
I cannot look into her eyes
the soul of a mother long gone
I hate my face in the mirror
I dread the stranger within
My sunken brown eyes are faded
Like the falling sand,
the statue of my self is erased
Life is a joke,
and I'm the clown
I perform to an empty theater,
and laugh at my own shadow
The voices are in my head,
the puppets and the songs
the whisperers and the screams
When I lay in the dark,
I close my eyes,
to the howls of the demons inside
I'm married to the night
Someday I had hoped,
that when I'm done with my acts,
In the heavens,
where you live
We would laugh forever,
Like we always did
Maybe it's been written
somewhere in the constitution
of the waning moon
― When somebody loves you,
you can never be lonely ―
to the contrary,
the moon is sometimes blue;
counting stars alone
in a sky full of stars
is just about as lonely
as 'once in a blue moon'
can be ―
Like when the night is yours alone
or feeling alone
in a crowded room
hearing Hank Williams moan within your silence
"I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry"
― When it's hard to say
you love someone,..
but it's harder to say
when you don't ―
• • •
A coyote's pleading howl
breaks the silent twilight engulfing trance
cast by the dappled moonlight;
like there's some kind of lonely madness
swallowing him whole,..
these two hollow eyes
gaze out through
the open window,
counting stars ― alone
in a sky full of stars
the crackle of the fireplace
echoes, startling the silence
of a feigned warmth
from the other side
of an otherwise hollow room
and i feel frayed as a hole in an empty pocket with nothing left to lose
the impending dark winter nights are lonesome
and linger longer than before ...
seeing the empty space beside me
I remember how it really really aches to just be ...
lonesome as a blue moon ―
✩ ✩ ✩
✩ ✩ ✩
moonless ― rivers ... 2017
How I ache when I trod too far from my prison of a dwelling,
and how I yearn for the loneliness that is my humble abode.
Something like Stockholm Syndrome, but for my own home.
I stumbled into my own head and I’ve been falling ever since.
No, I don’t prefer the silence of an empty room; deafening.
This fickle heart of mine cannot find its solace in cacophony,
cannot find the beauty in the crescendo - only the confusion.
I cry in bathrooms like a sinner cries in the confessional,
desperate - pleading forgiveness - and I curse this fickle heart.
It stays changing its fickle mind: leave me be, love me please.
I curse this fickle body, which hides from all things promising.
I curse this fickle ego, which only ever learned how to shrink.
I curse this fickle being - afraid to be alone but afraid to be seen.
What is a nostomaniac if not a ghost in the attic - an apparition?
It is standing in the corner of the room, the outsider at the party.
It is eyeing the exit like an oasis, always looking for a way out.
It is holding excuses in fists like David clenched pebbles in his,
and it stays towering over all else - bigger than Goliath himself.
What is nostomania if not the trepidation of falling in love, or
making a connection, or feeling something that isn’t self-pity?
There are so many words to describe this kind of loneliness -
this brand of self-sabotage, this existence I will not fight for.
My sadness is quick to love but won’t let anyone love me back.
My sadness is a selfish lover like that but I always swore that
no one would have to face that wrath in a heartbreak arms race,
so I fold it neatly just beneath these open wounds and they ooze
these putrid insecurities but I mask it with this always stoic gaze,
and I’m moving slower than ever, but I’m dying faster these days.
Why should you limit yourself to being just pretty?
Don't be just pretty.
Be a storm, beautiful, dark, intelligence flashing across your eyes like lightning and a voice as loud as thunder. Be a storm and never be silent.
Be a forest, rooted, wise, strong and unmovable in the force of opposition and yet a dancer in the wind. Be a forest, and loyal to your land.
Be the ocean, glittering, mysterious, captivating thousands of hearts and countless lives in your allure. Be the ocean, and be ruthless.
Be nature. I guarantee nothing will get you farther.