What is sleep I ponder
Flashes of your small body collapsing in my hands
Your exhausted trusting heartbeat fading under my touch
Feeling the last sigh of your tired soul
As the suffering came to an end
As you got a token of peace from the pain
I’m a monster a selfish monster to only think of how sad I am about it
When you are at ease
I’m sorry
I hope we did enough
I hope it wasn’t my fault
I’m sorry

Rouse you from your slumber
Feel your tight embrace
Soothe the worry from my brow
Instead the knots are twisting
The uneasy shadows nearing
All alone. Deep in thought. Turmoil.

There it goes again
The never ending potholes
My mind keeps falling into
I guess the same way I drive
Reckless and fast hoping
Everything turns out okay
Falling into every dip and pit
Just barely making it out

The cogs in my brain need tuning
The nerves need repair
My body needs a new engine
I’m just hanging in there
My body’s cracking
The paint is peeled
I feel like there’s no salvation
No way to get it healed.

Is there a mechanic for a broken human?

I’ve never been a destination
More like the interesting statue
Your mind stumbled upon on accident
Leaned on for a moment
And continued on its way.

So every day I wake up and you
You my darling my precious my soul
Are still holding my hand
Still brushing the hair from my face
I’ll lie awake at night confused
Too scared to sink into your arms
Because it’s not possible
For you to chose me
As your home
Is it?

Because I swear I miss the way your arms felt around me
I miss the way your smile grew after you saw mine
I miss the way you dressed me up and made my hair
I miss you , your presence just in spirit
A ghost from the afterlife
I miss you
But I don’t even know what I miss.

Every night I can’t help but lay awake
Replaying your voice and laughter in my mind
Trying to guess the moment
The world assigned you as my soul mate
Trying to piece together what stupid **** you must have done
To be punished with such a foul handful.
Trying to remember if I helped an old woman cross the street or something equally as cheesy to be so blessed
You are my heart my soul
The breath of air that hits my face when I lower the windows .
Something you hate but something I cannot live without.
The outdoor air fuels my lungs the way you ignite my will to live and love.
You,my beautiful moonlighted man,
Are what I long for
For in your arms
I am home.

No one talks about the left over baby food
All the toys littering the floor
The lingering smell that covers the room
Or the simple sorrow hanging in the air.

when a baby dies
all you can do is hold their hand
kiss their soft heads
and whisper how proud you are
That they’ve come this far
That they fought so hard
all you can do is pretend to be strong

But once your baby’s heartbeat fades
And the nurses give you a moment alone
Your hands feel cold
Your legs shake without purpose
And your heart aches

The nursery door stays shut at home
The toys placed softly on the un-used bed
And every time you pass
You creak the door open
And the sweet smell of your angel
Continues to tear you apart.