No one talks about the left over baby food
All the toys littering the floor
The lingering smell that covers the room
Or the simple sorrow hanging in the air.

when a baby dies
all you can do is hold their hand
kiss their soft heads
and whisper how proud you are
That they’ve come this far
That they fought so hard
all you can do is pretend to be strong

But once your baby’s heartbeat fades
And the nurses give you a moment alone
Your hands feel cold
Your legs shake without purpose
And your heart aches

The nursery door stays shut at home
The toys placed softly on the un-used bed
And every time you pass
You creak the door open
And the sweet smell of your angel
Continues to tear you apart.

When the sun gets low
And the moon is just a glance away
I lay in silence, breath held. Counting.
Always counting.
Watching the rise and fall of your beloved chest and the flutter of your eyelids
As sleep brushes it’s spell upon you.
I burn holes in the carpet
Awaiting the blissful sunrise
Just counting your soft snores and small inhales.
I feel the gusts of air fill your lungs
And weep at the chance they may stop one day
So I pace and watch until the morning light
Filters through the window
Dancing angelically on your brow
Settling in bed I wipe my tears
And as I succumb to slumbers sweet spell
I’m thankful
Another night safe
Another night you’re mine.

If I could cut I wouldn’t forget
The little way you like things.
You see that’s how I programmed myself
To carve all the important details
I’d write “Die” so I could remember
I was only living until I had a chance
To achieve my ultimate goal.
I’d write “worthless”so I could remember
All the times I was a selfish *****
Who didn’t deserve to want things
I’d write “Please” so I could remember
All my nights begging for an end
Or even just relief on my cold closet floor
But you see those scars are fading
So I’m beginning to forget
And I can’t carve new ones
I’m sorry. So sorry. My memory slips.

Filling my ******* brain with praise
Hoping i won’t break down from stress
It’s hurts. I hurt.
As if kind words can make up for all the rest.

    yelling
                     screaming
                                         insults
                                                     sorry
                                            the
                           pain
               hurts
  me

Sorry
It hurts me so much greater than
Those few kind words

When did the ocean between us span across planets
No longer limiting us just on Earth.  
Who cut the strings that ran between our plastic cups
Cutting off our eager communication
What happened to the trills of laughter
Echoing off mountains bothering the moon at night.
Where? I ask of you. Where did you go?
Stretching my boundaries and whispering a “why?”