Perfectionism is draining your thoughts
Ideas
Mental capacity and
Emotions
In order to never get it right
Never be quite satisfied and
Always question your choices
Over and over again
Perfectionism is rushing and
Never having time to do all the things
And yet perfectionism is painstakingly
Slow and never ending
Perfectionism is not loving yourself
Is not seeing that the best you can do
Is good enough
Is striving for a level of excellence that
Leaves the job perpetually unfinished and Unloved
Perfectionism is wholly unsafe
But
Loving yourself enough
To live with ‘good enough’
Is
Just
Perfect

distended the pearls are red and uncovered
upon my mistakes. erasure taunts.

something stirs unbidden strangely
familiarity dissolves in tears

suddenly distant the sun streaks
through the black waves

nothing works anymore

- Vijayalakshmi Harish
         02.01.2013
        Copyright © Vijayalakshmi Harish

A white bird flying at day
Or a black bird flying at night
Or a black bird flying at day
Or a white bird flying at night
Black and white, black over white 
Oh,my Lord, how painful can be 
This need of touch in his absence
White and black, white over black
Oh,my Lord, how painful can be 
This absence of his touch
Black penetrating white
And white penetrating black
Never finding the gray.

Whenever I do
What they suggest in therapy
I ***** my friends over.
They say
Do something for yourself for once
But whenever I try
I am being selfish
In someone else's eyes.
And so
I allow myself to crumble
To self-destruct
But as long as I don't disappoint anyone
I feel just fine.

She spits fire
Stands strong
Feet planted:
No mercy
Unyielding

She is belladonna
She is the femme fatale
She is unattainable
And she revels it that.

Solitude lends itself to sweet dreams and optimism
Without the threat of slowing down
Without the weight of children's bodies
Without the teeth and claws of responsibility
Sinking soul-shudderingly deep
Into her body

Or so she tells herself
When faced with her
Swarms of unhappy thoughts
Gnat-like they flutter
Around her head

But she will not let them in

Because that is vulnerability
That is admitting weakness
That is being human

And she will never admit her *hamartia

The monster of perfectionism//eats away at me in the bones//and when I finally disappear//no body will ever know

Looked in the lint trash
What, a bucket of spiders?
But that's just my smarm, I mean
Charm, yes so charming, I

Feel I should tell
You: See, I am the kind
Of a man whose particles of rage all blend blisters into macrame
What? That's to say I only craft with vengeance, Art is Hell.

I'm not really sure, see, it seems I
have so many words inside and yet
No order, no syntax, no form, no norm.

Can't spin A.D.D. into gold, No,

I can't tremble, blink, then in that
Blink! Distill a miracle
Of words whose sentience, er,
Sentence myself to the chair,

The chair at the computer where,
Confounded,
I shiver and sigh, sob, eye.

they're spotless, no room for human flaws here.
with faultless sense of selves and fragile attributes
are silver stars, whose homes are cold glittered spotlights
pressured, battered and bruised. look away dear, they're "fine"

they're fine, scared and composed until the next plot twist
rarely, ever so rarely - a perfect one slips
a miscalculation on a regular day
phenomena, wasn't supposed to be that way

perfectionism drove them faultlessly insane
when the known consistent road, shatters to eggshells
"ever so rarely", they reason to the mirrors
with guilt mixing in the blood of walking in fear

inner madness unleashing, black swans reappearing
the wrongs, how cruel that it doesn't let them go on
"this is only once in a blue moon", they echo
deep breathes, clutching close, the past's panic they can't let go

I always try to be perfect
and every day I fail
there's lists around my room and in my head
of things needed to be improved
and I wouldn't know where to start
or when

maybe life's not about being perfect
but I still think I should
at least try

No ****** or dawdling just for fun
Gotta be the best gotta be #1
I scrutinize every detail
Until I am done
If I am not perfect I turn face and run

Its just a day in the life of a perfectionist
I could go on and on and make a long list, but I'm hopeful already that you all get the jist

I'd love to sit down and draw some cool art
But if every line wasn't perfect I'd crumple it up or tear it apart
However, I know that I'm talented and sharp as a dart
But my ideals are too critical and not very smart
However, this is my reality. So I hardly can start
Eh, Scratch all that - I guess I need to restart

Its all in a day of a perfectionist
I've reversed on my promise and made you a list
I'm second guessing myself that you're getting the jist

I'd love to sit down and write a poem or two
But it's impossible to write perfection though - we all know this to be true
That fact on its own is bringing me down and making me blue
Its making me sick like I'm getting the flu
How can I ever release this poem? What will I do?
Ugh! I've gotta scratch this again and come up with something that's new!

Don't you see? This is the life of a perfectionist
I've given examples and made a small list
But I'm confident now that you all get the jist

Of just what's its like being a perfectionist.

Hold up! There is one more thing I'd like to say
I beat myself up every night, every day
And although I fall short, I pray and I pray
That this wicked perfectionism will not stay
That one day I'll be content with myself and that it'll stay that way.
Now I'd like to wrap this all up - if I may

Well, I guess thats just the way it is
In a day of the life of a perfectionist
You've heard my reasoning and you've witnessed my list
So I can certainly say that you all get the jist

Of exactly what its like being a perfectionist

I take a pill
Every night
Before bed
And it keeps away
The panic
The compulsions
The stress
The perfectionism
The drive
The desire for excellence
The 4.0 student
Everything that was
Killing me
And
Creating me
So, now I have to decide
Is it worth it?

If you grasp tight to your
                         individualism,
Give in to all the
                      romanticism,
Rid of any
         materialism,
Confide within
                   professionalism,
Drop all acts of
                      favoritism,
Eject from any
                vulgarism,
Open up to
           socialism,
Advocate
              activism,
Realize you are an
                          organism,
Forget about any
                     perfectionism,
And explore inside
                           transcendentalism,
You will look up into complete
                                          mesmerism
of how all the stars are
                               symbolism
for the billion versions of
                                   creationism
that you've ever lived,
                             and will live.

Do you know that voice, always yelling at you? That voice from inside your head? The voice yells the worst insults.
Try to fight it, but you'll never win, because the voice knows all of your weaknesses. It's made by your worst enemy, you can never defeat.
Yourself.
Try to ignore, but the voice is sneaky, and will come at the most unexpected moments. It will break through the silence. To break you.
Try to escape, but the voice will always follow you, wherever you go. And it will never stop, until you break under the pressure.
Try to stay strong, but the voice keeps yelling until you start to believe.
The voice is done when all the lies become truths. Then the scariest part begins, when the voice stops yelling and starts whispering:

"You aren't good enough."

Do you hear that voice too?

sail boats
and oceans

and really anything that floats and carries a person

far away
in a big body of water

I don’t think I have to say why

it’s obvious

I’m sure everyone has a thing for sail boats
and oceans

I like busses too
I seem to get really impatient on them, and I like that a lot
because I know I can’t do anything about it

it’s a game of
Will I Go Crazy Or Will I Have A Snooze?

I like being stuck between being stuck and being unstuck

one day I want to sit on a bus for 24 hours and see what happens
(I will be doing a lot of that in the month of October)

I’ll bring books, my iPod and movies to watch on my laptop
but I’ll probably just stare out the window hours on end
tall buildings will turn into blurry trees and blurry trees
will turn into pixilated neon canola crops
and there’ll be cows and ponies and one long road

to Montreal
then Toronto

then who the **** knows where because I am already dreading
going home after the trip
even though I haven’t left for the trip yet

it’s months to come

I have a thing for finding a new home
everywhere I go

but I never find one

I like the process of looking for a really long time
then giving up from discouragement and sad feelings of
abandonment stemmed from my childhood daddy issues

I’m pretty sure everyone has daddy-abandonment issues

I have a thing for assuming every one has the same problems
that I do

but it turns out that there are loads of girls that like to eat
lots
and don’t feel ashamed of the extra scoop of
double fudge ice cream

and there are teenagers that get along with their fathers
and look up to them
they go out for lunches and joke about dates and fix cars
and tell their little girls they’ll always be their little girls
and go on awkward shopping sprees and barbecue

but everyone has a thing for sail boats and water
we all want to escape

our eating disorder and drinking problem
a skinny body or a bulky body
bad grades and perfectionism
the people pleasing pushovers
fathers and mothers and old european traditions
family dinners that go perfectly and are so boring because of it

the fragility of feeling unique
the arrogance of feeling unique
the lack of faith in ourselves

being alone

(Pedro said,)


When we cross this line between friendship and hostility,
We need a lot of attraction to save our marriage
And to compensate for what's lost; a betrayal facility,
Thus, is created; '' '' Miguel says that something to disparage



(Carla continued,)



Is the contradiction between spouses, which can be useful
When your partner becomes a thought of your consciousness
Evolving in meditation; our passion of love is truthful,
When we understand the things that are discrepant or less



(Carla continued,)



Familiar; Miguel suggests that the idea about
The perfection can be continued in another marriage,
Which can be performed after the divorce; ’’ ‘’ Bella said that, no doubt,
These tensions being teased by some *** led to zero and disparage.



(Replied Pedro. He continued,)



Miguel and Bella needed each other's opinion
Without expressing any certain aspect of their
Divergent thinking; Miguel could hold dominion
Over your heart because you were vulnerable and too fair.



(Pedro added,)



You took care of your beauty to maintain this attraction,
In our relationship, but your beauty caught his attention,
Because Bella didn't give him too much satisfaction.''
''Her love was based on sense and sensibility rather than



(Carla continued,)



Reason and emotion; ’’ ‘’you've made an effort to have a precise
Grace; you use flowers for your body bath while poetry can clean
Your soul; you eat less and move more than others; so, take this advice
And be natural like Eve; you know what I mean.''



(Replied Pedro. Carla replied,)



''I wanted to prevent this tragic end- the infidelity.
Miguel told me that we had never been together as soulmates
While you had thought that my ideas had meant the absurdity
Of the perfectionism; '' '' you pushed me to the betrayal gates



(Pedro continued,)



In order to separate me from Beatrice; every time
I left home, you were wondering if I would do this or not.''
''Our marriage was approved by God; from children we hear His chime,
And your relationship with Beatrice will come to naught.




(Carla continued,)




Miguel was better than you because he chose a platonic
Way to betray his wife; I've just been humiliated
While negotiating my love with Beatrice; so chronic
Were her manners to discourage me, but I've communicated



(Carla continued,)


With you against odds; Miguel had been in search for other
Soulmates; Then, he could admire Bella; God didn't give them
Kids but they didn't divorce 'cause she wanted to be a mother.
In an impure marriage, there's a betrayal I can't condemn.’’



(Pedro said,)


'' The sin is the occasion for grace while bringing repentance, ''
'' The sin can only diminish this hope to comprehend
Our Lord while we can return to the position of acceptance
Through the pure procreation; without name or end



(Carla continued,)



Is the suffering of our children, and they are innocent;
I lost the idea of perfection while you were living
In sin; the darkness led you to self-destruction; now, ignorant
While living in anger and passion, you need His forgiving.



(Carla continued,)



Being like Bella, I have chosen the human sacrifice.''
''This perfectionism is an illusion and, in reality,
We die all; we are all sinners to give up the paradise.
On Earth, to find the original perfection is a fantasy.



(Pedro continued,)



We can't be rescued. I prefer the peace of my mind
To this fight for salvation; I prefer an ephemeral,
Pleasant life instead of it; '' I understand that you're still blind.
That's why I have a deep relationship with Christ, in general.



(Carla continued,)



I'm forced to accompany you in an aimless journey-
A vagrancy; you forced me to accept this new reality
That would change my destiny; the devil is your attorney.''
'' A need for a sinful freedom lies in your normality.



(Pedro continued,)



You end up ignoring the devil in front of death.
Don't forget that you stay in a haunted house; '' ''I'm searching
For some viable solutions and for the heaven's breath.''
To be a mother is a reality; I'm fighting



(Carla continued,)



To save my family; '' ''your moral awareness leads
To unhappiness and anger; '' ''you provoke me to fight
To keep you while using sarcasm to banish all my needs.''
''This method keeps my rivals at bay; '' '' you insult me despite


(Carla continued,)



My faithfulness; you use this jealousy to make me love you
Unconditionally; '' '' Christianity can't bring the man
To the initial Eden; so, love me as I am, though
I'm not your Adam, Eve! '' ''Pedro, I am your woman! ''



(He embraced her and started to make love with her after so many years.)


(To be continued…)

Poem by Marieta Maglas

you continue on the outermost experience of stimuli
consuming with poor digestion, your surrounding world
you continue on the premise of emotion and nothing more,
no analysis, no insight, you exist as a simpler species than
those who do analyze, are insightful and it is only negative because
you are inefficient and infectious in your inefficiency, less energy is
required to live as you do but you are not progressive, you do not offer
this human species anything but a vector for dna, an avenue to perpetuate;
and you are this way by choice -- you possess potential to have potential
but you do not engage and in consequence, you are ignorant and malignant
to our human species and perhaps I am a misanthrope or perhaps I am a
realist but you will only hinder the most capable of us unless you cease to
continue on the outermost experience of stimuli; you are inefficient with the
potential, a resounding potential, for efficiency and if only you would wake from
this superficial condition our species would gain advantage in survival but I
suppose it is irrational to wish for such things, as we are inherently flawed and

perhaps our concentrations should not be on perpetuating the human species
but rather giving rise to an organism more evolutionarily advanced -- more efficient;
more perfect.

Sometimes I feel so caved in,
With all my thoughts, all I can do is swim.
Through these energies that are flowing from within,
Just because I cant stop and ask what’s with him?
Why do I always have to make a choice,
My mind just wont let me be free,
I feel like I have to make a decision
but that’s not how Ive learned to be.
So let me tell you about this chick I know,
Shes not like all them girls that we always see,
The first time I met her I grabbed her by the arm,
I knew there was a story that was deep.
I looked in her eyes and all I can see,
her color contacts, that were trying to deceit.
But deep down inside there was a story that was real,
Her eyes and smile did a good job to disguise,
But that didn’t fool me,
I wanted to know the story that underlies.
The reason why she seemed so attractive to me.
Im not ususally a sucker for eyes, but the way she looked at me,
Made me feel like she understands how to be free.
I should’ve known the story she hides is something that might really hurt me,
Because any story that’s locked up inside should never have a spare key.
In the beginning I tried to make the situation feel sooooo real,
But soon I realized that she had an addiction that was unsealed.
Her wandering eye couldn’t stop her from speaking to many guys,
Im not saying shes some ***** in disguise,
But really she was a free spirit floating around that didn’t know her goodbyes,
Even though she realized that might soon lead to her own demise.
I shouldn’t say guys because in reality its just one that makes me compete,
That look in her eyes was that she once knew what it felt like to be complete.
That one other guy had left her so traumatized that shes never willing to forget,
It was her obsession just like a cigarette.
Everytime she felt angry or terrified there was one person who she knew would help offset,
That one guy who she never wanted to regret,
No matter the endless amount of time that he made her feel upset,
Dreaming in her mind that one day they can recreate that fierce duet.
See the problem was within me, I felt the need to help her realize
That life is always filled with opportunities
If we live in the past and never let go of what we once all had,
We ll stay blind and you would never get to see.
That there is some other guy that’s willing to improvise in order to help you lead,
I got shot down with all of these stories about how she cant commit,
The sad thing is she wont even realize how beautiful she is,
She lets one experience judge her whole life and all she thinks about is what if.
I even learned to like who she is regardless of the lovefilled flaws.
Just because I want to show her that her craziness can be fixed.
She thinks shes always lost her mind, and that her process is so one of a kind,
That no other guy can help her define, who she wants to be.
But I learned how to believe,
Before my insecurities and perfectionism took over my next decision,
But now what I learned is that life not about some kind of demonstration,
Its process that involves many years to learn,
I don’t know why but I really feel the need to have her in my life,
Even though it was causing me concern,
Now you know why I feel so caved in,
I fell for a girl who wont let me win.

We are all imperfect
As human beings

Perfectionism is fine
In an abstract way

But in the real world
With all limitations

Good enough is okay
Let your work go

Don't be so worried
About its perfection

"She is such an excellent student in English,
and I'd ask her teachers why her grades were low
and they'd say she wouldn't turn anything in.  And
it was true, she'd say this isn't ready yet, it's not perfect."
Perfectionism.  That's it.  I don't have it, God knows
but after 500 years of therapy I can look any psychological ailment
in the face...now she's dropped out of college and
he is not happy, my former boss,
"she says it's a 'gap' year" like the British Royal Family takes after
prep school, to be sent to rope cows in the British Empire,
Be an Australian cowboy and post to the trot like a proper Englishman
He's right, it's not a gap year.  
He speaks so quietly, he has judged me so harshly
pathologized me, behaved as if he is perfect and I am nothing
this is quite a large crack in the perfect facade
and I'm still here wondering
so I do what the courageous do and I google perfectionism and
before long I gather details of a childhood spent trying to have accomplishments
so your parents will notice you, a childhood where your feelings aren't important
an emotionally impovershed childhood lacking mirroring, positive mirroring because
the parents were to wrapped up in other things or they didn't really care and suddenly
I understand why this boss of mine would dig into my very soul
because he is so much like my parents
and yet, so afraid, because if I can google this,
then so can he, so why doesn't he when he's the one
with the degree in psychology, so why am I the one
trying to figure out his daughter's problems
and I know the answer
I want to solve mine
Is it the Jew in me?  That kind of willingness to look into that vast
horrid place of self hatred and take a flashlight even and look
at the ****** mess of a psyche and try to attend to the wounds
to heal, the be willing to walk in, squishy entrails cut off
and ****** under my feet, to try to sew them back together
to get the whole system working again.
I want to e-mail her the articles I read about her
I want to heal her, I want him to read this and know
that he is known and he was not such a good father
and she needs help
but no.  it is only me I hope to understand
as I realize I am in the cave, the immensity of my own psyche
trying to understand it, fix it, yet again

Of all the art in the world
Nothing compared to you
I sold my soul looking for the paints you used
Yet in the end it was just as well
I was nothing but charcoal whereas you were pastel

St. Teresa swoons to herself.
The angel’s impish face laughs
At her pain.
Bernini’s operatic sculpture bound
Behind bars.
Perfectionism, restorationism,
OCD.
Outside, a gypsy woman begs
For centimes.
Inside, scaffolding dims Teresa’s glow.
Art sacrificed to the future,
Content to die in darkness.
A monk dozes in his rosary.
Recitation of dreams.
No legend in the sacristy:
Teresa’s book remains
Unread, dull behind glass.
Ecstasy of love: her path toward God.

Poetry is the altruistic apogee of the individualistic emotional egoist.

The lack of feeling, and the lack of empathy,
the petty attempt to hide them with creativity.

It’s truly astonishing how we can fool ourselves into thinking we’re kind
When we’re just wasting our time, pretending to see when we’re blind.

How could we ever emulate our chemical imbalances on one another?
The only way to do it is the kindly overrated feeling of love and affection.
And why would we need words, if we’re sure about our love for each other?
Oh, we’re puzzled to believe that our puny poetry represents felt perfection.

Yet we just walk through the valleys of lyricism,
Lost in our own wishes for joy or demise
And yet we become shadows of perfectionism
Filled with the detachment we criticize.

Our representation is our perdition
We've lost ourselves in our own mission.

You'd think that
Since the load of stress breaks my
Back with its weight,
That being able to relax would allow me to heal.
But I am lost without the routine of school, as much as I loathe it.
Depression is funny like that.

You'd think that
I would be able to swim back up
From the violent ocean of thoughts
I assume other people have about me,
But I'm drowning myself, weighing myself down with my own criticism.
Depression is funny like that.

You'd think that having all the free time in the world
To improve my various skills would be A blessing of opportunity,
But perfectionism and laziness grip my Shoulders, breathe into my mind,
"It won't be good enough anyway."
Depression is funny like that.

You'd think that
Without anything bad happening,
The contemplation of suicide wouldn't still be smoldering in the back of my mind.
But for some reason I'm blowing on the embers, and coaxing out a blaze...

Depression is funny like that.

Perfectionism is deadly when it's believable:
A plant with infinite roots in my brain
As if my entire existence sprouted from that
Seed so evil that my very veins
Pump pride and pretensions through me
Pulsing, rising, filling me to the brim
With false dreams and glimmering hope
That feel hellishly hollow within.

. i'm not an alcoholic, i'm an intermediating construct of blues... i think more about blank canvas i am to fill, than the next drink 'm about to have....

why give a dog's *******'s care
concerning yourself with
whst other other,
proper, "sober", sensible people
make of your?

  i guess an inhibition of
a lost verse...

       in poetry we call that a quais
take on a paragraph...

   something akin to:
the same worth of the worth of
something worth losing...
get the drift?!

  Clive Owen...
Denzel Washington,
Brian Molko...

now?
breed me, a ******* hybrid Q
your nag hammadi perfectionism!
you trans-gender
eucharist!

   breed me an example
to my specification!
breed it!
show me the Frankenstein!
breed it!

       i want wolf ***** "ingested"
in women subjects!
i, WANT, THEM!
               you want the Frankenstein
monster?
first you need the mad doctor...
you have me...
cuffed and teasing!

     i am,. dying to waake from
what is death, and what is death assured,
in the fork form of, shadow...

   you, want, the monster...
i am giving your the antithesis
of the nameless
caricature of
what man's capability!

            i need it, whatever "it", is...
       i will not sleep till this "thing"
is awake in the womb
of my cognition...
and i know of its wake!

                 it's funeral a birth,
it's birth,
banshee screech!
                 the failed Polish
winged hussar charge against
the Ukranian Cossack upriing,
thick, in, mud...

                        i have the desires
to damage marking
banknotes...
      Shelley will always outlast
the credibility of Austen...

    Mary contra Jane...

       horror...
Frankenstein monsters...
vampires...
     werewolves...
she's the third of the canon!

  you don't do that!
you can't do that!
                but you did, do that!

there is a shadow of man,
he dares to call history
to contra the visage for the excuses
of journalism...

     not here... not now...

  as a young boy,
i dreamed of mingling the ***** of
wolves, being impregnated
in human females...
        i guess, as a treat...
to alleviate
the existing product
                 of down syndrome'

what?
what is science?
if not the reinvigorated
perpetuation of
trans-categorical inquiry?

p.s. when i drink?
the last "thing" on my mind
is the activity of drinking,
notably, for socially unhinged
barriers to be broken...
i'm an anti-social drinker...
i hate conversation,
esp. when drinking...
a ******* desert,
when it comes to
             the calorie intake!

We’ve set sail and
Our heads have been in the clouds
For the past six months.

I took you to other worlds
You took me to
The real world,
Not flushed out of
Perspective from
A skinny blonde
With a pocket of
Perfectionism and
Middle class ignorance.

You’ve never looked down
Your nose at me,
Even when we kiss
You close your eyes
And breathe me in fully.

Rejects with big dreams
And big hearts
And a big hatred for the world.

And you said you couldn't ever love
But you hold me so close when
You’re dreaming in the early hours of the night.

I stepped in the shower today and
Let the hot water burn my body
As it trickled down my newly tanned skin.
I closed my eyes and let it
Wash my mascara away.
I thought about now
How wonderful, and peaceful,
And easy things are.
I thought about summer..
You're spinning me around in the water and
Softly kissing my neck;
We sit around blazing orange fires
And congratulate each other on the perfectionism
Of our s'mores.
But soon, September will come
A tidal wave of schoolwork,
Two and a half hours of driving,
And late-night Skype calls,
Are heading our way.
Jealousy and questioning
Are almost guaranteed to become abundant.
It won't be easy,
And I can't promise anything
Besides;
I'll try my best
For you