I know that there is a table
in a Catholic high school in my local town
with an etch of the letter "G"
next to boredom-inspired vandal,
jagged lines, circles,
perhaps a few ******* shapes
as silly high school boys
are prone to draw.

An Advanced Maths textbook sits on a shelf
with a little doodle
of a peace sign next to an emo smiley
from a time where I was caught
between two phases,
tight black jeans and a flowing turquoise shirt.

Tobacco stains smeared
over the wood of a sealed off door
just outside my bedroom,
evidence of the first time
I tried a cigarette, seven years old,
and then panicked and tried to
flush it down the toilet,
only to have to fish it out and stuff it
in a little crevice, to be hidden and
remain there for seven years.

We leave all these little marks
and stains
in places we've been.
Spilled food, spilled ink, spilled drink,
tobacco stains and pools of blood.
"The marks humans leave are
too often scars."

I have scars.
Left forearm. Right calf. Right wrist bone. Both kneecaps.

A scar across my ribs and chest I was
so desperate to be rid of,
I bathed myself in oils and it was
the first scab I
never picked at; but a couple of weeks ago
I dreamt it was there again, fresh.
It tore open in front of everyone, bled out,
and I woke up gasping, drowning in my fear,
agonised, clutching at a wound that'd long since faded
convinced I could feel it splitting me apart again.

I have evidence all over my body
and more buried deep within the recesses of my mind,
scars so jagged they put knives to shame,
shining, pale, like diamonds in moonlight
not half as precious
but still invaluable.
Evidence of the marks humans leave behind.

I'm not innocent.
I don't pretend like I am.
I know there is a man out there
who gained another scar to add to his collection
when he was fourteen years old.
I know my hands carved it into his skin.
I know I used to use my fists
when others used their words to hurt me.

When I die, I know that I will leave
pieces of myself
everywhere
I've ever been. Whether people know it
or not, whether they
remember me
or not. There are ink stains
and coffee spills. My blood
is still on the floor of his house.
The high school cafeteria
has a circle of red
from a nosebleed I didn't realise I was having.
There are parks wearing my graffiti
and children donning my old clothes, and people overseas
still alive because of me

(or that's what they'll tell me, but
all I did was talk.
Give yourself the credit you guys deserve,
you're the ones who chose to listen.
You're the ones who had the strength to
pick your head up and carry on)

There are exes who still think of me
and friends who will one day
come across some article of clothing
or a piece of technology
I left behind after a sleepover.
Teachers who will remember
that smart, sarcastic student
who had panic attacks in their classrooms
and drank coffee in the mentoring hub with Mrs. Hume
whilst buttering bagels and functioning on no sleep.

Maybe our place in the universe is
insignificant. Or maybe it's the
most significant thing
of all.
Maybe the Buddhists are right.
Maybe we are the universe, together
as one. I sure think it makes sense.

Streams of consciousness
and spirits that need healing.
We work the sun
without even realising we're doing it.
We destroy it, too,
which is perhaps why we
are so self destructive in turn.

Maybe we're
smaller than specs of dust
but that's okay.
You don't have anything
without the particles required
to make things up.
Everything is a collection of atoms:
the tiniest things of all
yet they're the centre of everything,
the beginning of everything.

So when the end comes and
we burst back into the sky,
stardust and souls and
blinking little lights,
we'll have left our marks on the earth
regardless of who remembers
and we'll still be there, twinkling,
a collection of atoms that came from a supernova
essential to the makeup of galaxies
and life itself.
What could be more beautiful than that?

(Pompeii/Florence, 1997)

Vulcan was real, alive as you were,
you and your language, long dead now.
Your town was prosperous, with its paved streets,
bars, bath-houses, brothels,
mosaics, painted walls, graffiti.
Your domestic gods too were real to you;
they had saved you before,
and when the superhuman hammer blows shook
your houses, you repaired them,
decorated in greater splendour,
erected a temple to your protectors.
But Vulcan was not appeased - years are not long
to the lord of earth and fire.
This time he struck swiftly, sending you death
from his mountain, overwhelming you
as you ran. Your garden
gave you no protection,
hot fumes choked you,
hot ash surrounded you,
sealed in your tomb as you died.

The ones who excavated your town
marvelled at its completeness,
and in the ash that filled your garden
they found hollows.
Filling the hollows with plaster,
they found . . .  not you,
but echoes of yourselves,
like statues in a museum.

We came to see you, and after that
to the Academy, standing in awe
at David's perfect marble humanity.
But we were troubled by the others,
the uncompleted ones, the Prisoners,
their twisted limbs, hidden faces,
frozen in the act of emerging
from the stone, recalling too painfully
in their unfinished creation
your own agonised poses
as you died.
"I had seen birth and death,
  but had thought they were different."
.

Can we call it freedom if it divides?
Is it correct to ridicule revered name?
Was that in defence of freedom?
Or was that for easy money and fame?

They went on with their provocations;
And justified it with arguments lame.
Numerous hearts were agonised.
But few turned wild, difficult to tame.

Extreme provocations and insults.
In the name of ' Freedom of speech'
Extreme response and harshest reply.
To avenge the insult and to teach.

When one's ' Freedom of Expression ';
Gives one the ' Freedom to insult '.
Hatred and dissension are promoted;
And can lead to horrifying result.

Sister Teresa put down the pen. Eyes searched page. White and black. Scribbled words. Meaning there some where amongst the lines, she mused. Bell rang from bell tower. Echoed around cell. Closed her eyes. Held hands together. Sighed a prayer. Allowed the dark and peaceful to swim about her. Out of the depths, O Lord, she whispered. Opened eyes. Parted hands, rested on the table before her palms up, and read the signs. The last echo went out of the room. The whisper of it out of earshot.First-class now this age; first-rate her papa had thought; foremost her mama decided. Gone now Mama, she mused, lifting her body from the chair and walking to the window. Gone except memory. What the little child had seen she wanted to forget. Some memories are best buried. The sky was cold looking; the clouds shroud-like. Held hands beneath habit; clutched hands child-like. Mumbled prayer. Watched nuns move along cloister; watched the slowness; sensed the coldness of the air. If possible, Lord, she murmured, moving from window, walking towards the door. Paused. Looked back. Stared at crucifix on wall. The Crucified agonised, battered by age and time. Smiled. Nodded. Turned and opened the door and walked into the passageway. Closed the door with gentle click; hid hands beneath the cloth; lowered eyes to floor’s depth. Wandered down by wall’s side. Listened. Sighed. Sensed day’s hours; day’s passage and dark and light. Entered cloister and felt the chill wind bite and snap. Best part, Papa had said. Men are not to be trusted, said he many a time. Felt the cloister wall’s roughness with her right hand. Sensed the rough brick; sensed the tearing of the flesh on wall of brick; the nails of Christ. Mama had died her own crucifixion. The child closed the door having seen in the half-dark, she recalled, closing her eyes, feeling the chill wind on her cheek. Paused. Breathed deep. Saw sky’s pale splendour; saw light against cloister’s wall; saw in the half-light. Nun passed behind. Sister Helen, big of bone, cold of eyes, cool of spirit. Cried once; cried against night’s temper. Months on months moved on; days on days succeeded. Papa had said, the zenith of the passing years, my dear child, your mama’s love. How pain can crucify, she thought as she moved on and along the cloister, lifting eyes to church door. Nails hammered home to breast and ribs, she murmured as she entered the church. Fingers found stoup and tip ends touched cold water; blessed is He, she sighed. Eyes searched church. Scanned pew on pew; nun on nun. Sister Bede nodded; held hands close; lifted eyes that smiled. Where Jude had been buried, Papa had not said. Ten years passed; time almost circle-like, she mused, pacing slow down aisle to the choir stall. Sister Bede lowered her head; lowered her black habited body. Saw once as a child but closed the door. Poor Mama. Who is she that came and went? Long ago. Time on time. Papa had missed her; tears and tears; sobs in the mid of night. Mother Abbess knocked wood on wood. Silence. Closed eyes. Dark passages lead no where, Papa said. Chant began and echoed; rose up and down; lifted and lowered like a huge wave of loss and grief. Where are you? What grief is this? Night on night, her papa’s voice was heard; echoed her bedroom walls; her ears closed to it all except the sobs. De profundis. Out of the depths. Dark and death are similar to man and child. Opened eyes to page and Latin text. Bede and she, to what end? Death, dark, and Mama’s fears echoed through the rooms of the house; vibrated in the child’s ears; bit the child’s heart and head. This is the high point Jude had said; had kissed her once; had held her close and she felt and sensed. Men are not to be trusted. Breathed deep. For thine is the kingdom. And Papa’s words were black on white and pained her. Jude gone and buried; mama crucified; Sister Rose fled the walls; wed and wasted to night’s worst. Come, my Christ, she murmured through chant and prayer; come lift me from my depths; raise me up on the last day. Voice on voice; hand on heart; night on night. Jude had said be prepared for the next meeting, but dead now; Passchendaele claimed him. Voice on voice, Amen. Chill in bone and flesh. Breath eased out like knife from wound. Bede looked and smiled; hid the hands; bit the lip. Men are not to be trusted. Jude long gone. Nuns departed. Bede turned and went with her gentle nod. Paused. Sighed. Come, my Lord and raise me up, she mused, stepping back from stall and the tabernacle of Christ. Raise me up. Raise your lonely bride from death and dark.

the anguish of this agonised arena

where black angels

roam delusional paranoia

a commitment to life

a responsibility to death

an obedience to immense solitudes

of anticipation generated by inspirational charge

an agony of imagined dreams

found in missing time

the unattainable that no longer exists

an unrealized reality

oh the anguish of this agonised arena

this continuous invocation of other

of I of me of we

a great elucidation of emotional chaos

the outer geography of my imagination

where all is led bare

and i see the black shadow of light

qualified, qualified, qualified

It's optional
Like the fading of skies
Early, wild, or remorseful.
All the impalpable space in the lights
Scaled in weighty gilt and curls
The locks and gold of sun,
early as it sets on a moiety of moor grey
Brushed by shadows of agonised poplars
on a spiral land of sheer pistachio blanket.

Muffled by lyres played from the trumpets of
convolvuluses, behind spears of the brain-
an imagery commence to carouse
into planet deep.

A promenade atop the tulle of skies,
an optional way to live.
Saunter and fall onto slopes, shudder, meditate
and hit a bee coffin pebble on the temple
Where there are options to live, to bleed.
Like the lurid sunrise sifting on
yellow-green nuts, and dandruffs combed
like granulated sugar
Oh the taste of chemistry
on the shea butter candles.

It's sanguine and optional,
your farewells on laden calendars of poems
A promenade- back into sea of spears and flames
A cadaver veined in pink,
bearing plethora of methanol
down pulverising bone.

1

The drummer beats slowly, the drummer beats loud
     as he beats of humanity wrapped in a shroud.

Well he beats of the **** and the killing of war
     and the mind mangling sorrow we blithely ignore
          and he beats of combatants who’re dying deceived
               while the merchants of ****** count profits received.

And he beats of civilians so savagely slain
     and of bundles of bodies cast off in distain,
          and he beats of the butch'ry that's feeding the flood,
               clogging drains with our flesh, filling swamps with our blood.

And he beats of cadavers, by famine defined
     that has ravished and plagued since the dawn of mankind,
          and he beats of big biz letting oranges decay
               while a child suffers scurvy and passes away.

He beats and he pounds till our consciences gnaw
     and his fingers are battered and ****** and raw
          and his hands are all broken and bleeding and raw.

2

The drummer beats slowly, the drummer beats loud
     as he beats of abuse that we try to becloud.

Well he beats of the barons and princes and kings
     who have broken broad backs with their clubs and their slings,
          and he beats of the toll of divine royal rights
               when the droit du seigneur sullied white wedding nights.

     And he beats of the bribes that the powerful make
          to the pale politicians who wax in their wake,
               and he beats of the waifs bound by chains to machines,
                    and of slaves sporting nooses, and other such scenes.

And he beats of the tyrants in clerical garb
     who have tortured with ******* and thumbscrews and barb
          and he beats of decrees claiming all men are free
               while ignoring cowed thralls and their agonised plea.


He beats and he pounds till revealing the flaw
     and his fingers are battered and ****** and raw
           and his hands are all broken and bleeding and raw.

3

The drummer beats slowly, the drummer beats loud
     as he beats of the strength of the rebels so proud.

Well he beats of the spirit the rack couldn’t break,
     and the fragrance of flesh that was burned at the stake,
          and he beats of gray witches submerged in a pond,
               being swum to nirvana and even beyond.

And he beats of the minds that could never be chained
     by the faith that was living while ignorance reigned;
          and he beats of bold battles when Spartacus rose        
               having tired of shackles and slavery’s woes.

And he beats of bent women who’ll fight to be freed
     and will never give up till they finally succeed,
          and he beats of their progress, belying the jeers,
               overwhelming the pessimists' fatuous sneers.

He beats and he pounds till we stand back in awe
     and his fingers are battered and ****** and raw
          and his hands are all broken and bleeding and raw.

4

The drummer beats slowly, the drummer beats loud
     as he beats of the sights that he’s seen from a cloud.

Well he beats of the passion when lovers have lain
     with their bodies entwined midst a field of fresh grain;
          and he beats of the joy when a mother has smiled
               while she’s nursing a baby, her newly born child.

And he beats of the sorrow upsurging inside
     leaving shadows and ruins when loved ones have died.
          Then he beats of an image that looms as a dream
               of a time when compassion and love reign supreme.

And he beats of lush meadows pale yellow and green,
     shining lakes in a woodland, a river serene.
          Then he beats of a planet that dies in a sweat,
               and of smirks of the dullards denying the threat.

He beats and he pounds till we see what he saw
     and his fingers are battered and ****** and raw
          and his hands are all broken and bleeding and raw.

*

The drummer beats slowly, the drummer beats loud
    
     And he beats of humanity wrapped in a shroud
          And he beats of abuse that we try to becloud
               And he beats of the strength of the rebels so proud
                    And he beats of the sights that he’s seen from a cloud.

     And he beats and he pounds till our consciences gnaw
          And he beats and he pounds till revealing the flaw
               And he beats and he pounds till we stand back in awe
                    And he beats and he pounds till we see what he saw.

And his fingers are battered and ****** and raw
     And his hands are all broken and bleeding and raw.

          And his hands are all
               broken
                   and bleeding
                        and raw.

He put a flint to the lantern once
They’d walked across the crest,
Were lost in a group of headstones that
Lay hidden from the rest,
And down in a slight depression he
Lit up a certain tomb,
Where the name of Elspeth Trelawney
Was reflected in the gloom.

Trelawney held up the lantern high
While Corby held the *****,
And Gordon Bracks with an old pick-axe
Stood back, he was afraid.
‘I fear the spirits are out tonight
In this graveyard of the ******!’
‘Get on, and turn up the sod,’ he said,
Trelawney forced his hand.

The Squire was quiet and ashen-faced
As the two had bent their backs,
Corby tipping the earth aside
Then standing aside for Bracks,
‘The earth is solid, it’s packed right down,
We need to pick it loose,’
‘Just do whatever you have to do,
There’s little time to lose!’

The Squire had buried his Elspeth back
In eighteen twenty-four,
For seven years he had held his grief
But he couldn’t take much more,
‘I have to see her again,’ he said,
To kiss her pale, dead lips,
To stroke the hair on my darling’s head
And caress her fingertips.’

She’d taken the coach and four one day
Way out in the countryside,
The coachman, used to a horse and dray,
Had begun to speed the ride,
He whipped the horses and lost the reins
As the coach began to slide,
Tipped the coach in the watercourse
Where Elspeth drowned and died.

He hadn’t looked at his lover’s face
Before she was interred,
But tried to avoid the loss of grace
In her face that was inferred.
‘I only want to remember her
As she was in the flush of life,
Not in the throes of death,’ he’d said
When talking about his wife.

They’d rushed to hurry the burial,
On the day that she was found,
Popped her into a coffin, then,
Planted her in the ground,
Trelawney later had agonised
That he hadn’t let her lie,
‘I couldn’t bear her to be around,’
He said, with a tearful eye.

But now he wanted to see her face,
They lifted the coffin lid,
While Gordon Bracks had turned his back
To see what Trelawney did,
The horror showed on the Squire’s face
As he gazed into her eyes,
For Elspeth lay in a bleak dismay
As her fate was realized.

Her hands were raised and they looked like claws
They’d scratched at the coffin lid,
The clumps of hair she had torn right out
Was the final thing she did,
And on the lid she had scratched his name
In the torment of the ******,
‘Trelawney, may you be cursed by God!’
She’d scratched, with her dying hand.

David Lewis Paget

my imagination scalds
with violating stains
of contemptuous familiarity
agonised shrieks
confront my mouth
with an unremitting combustibility
while a frustration like a volatile tornado
engulfs me with an hallucinated savagery
detonating unrelenting explosions
within my consciousness of perception
causing a hurricane of momentum
bringing such oddities to my mind
as such precludes their proper elucidation
yet a tempestuously implosive inner cosmos
is located a volcanic insurgence
the accelerative storm on which
the poem like Valkyries rides

I.
in this space without shadows,
i was a witness how this world became stranger
until it wasn’t mine. the memory of touch carries the torch,
through a deserted island, an abandoned house,
another girlhood turned ghost-town.
his sour amaretto mouth
closer, closer, closer.
saturday mornings i used to watch cartoons on the tv,
big goofy characters. these pictures come to me from afar
and dissolve into black lava,
at his hands cold metal sting.
with the tenacity,
i cling onto the hope of forgetting,
monuments were built for
gods and prophets.
so it goes.
somewhere in the world
mouths move around the filthy word,
forming the saddest companionship,
like two orphans who recognise each other.

II.
once upon a time,
i believed in a magic stronger than seduction.
why don’t we try to be less entitled?
after all, nothing was promised.
those of us,
attacked, assaulted, agonised,
in the sacredness of home,
in the public eyes wide shut,
fade into TV static noise.
how loud are the sounds of this
realism replica,
in bold letters proclaimed
now available:
FEMINISM!
(sold at every fast fashion retailer)
ALL GIRLS ARE BEAUTIFUL!
(but we still need to profit off your self-hatred)
LOVE IS HURTING
(why don’t you try to see his side?)
it’s nothing personal.
shame just happens to make good money.

Sickly, sticky-sweet syrup
oozes into our minds,
unbeknownst to us, so vulnerable.
We are painted the perfect picture,
sneak peaks of Utopia;
and are kept locked away by a camera lens.
Agonised and deliberated over,
by those who seek a fairy tale to repair a torn away heart.

Take a Lollipop with a wink,
Break up those four letters
and attack them with a recipe preached by idols,
two spoonfuls of lust,
a pinch of promiscuity,
and, (if you're really ravenous,)
finish with a sprinkle with insatiability.
Greedily we gluttonous Gannets
eat and eat and eat,
until the idea of right and wrong flies off the end of the scales.

Discover me using your own map;
And pick me,
and make me your favourite chocolate,
Throw away the box.
I'll be your smooth praline,
your sweet Turkish delight,
your bitter liqueur
all in one bite.

Love me: Dust me in a gentle coating of sugar.
Don't drown me in treacle.
Enjoy me: Dip me in dark chocolate.
No need to top me with whipped cream.

All the love you gave me..
Was it all a lie?
cause before hearing the answer "yes ",
Id rather die..
All the years spent together,
Tell me, did it mean nothing?
All the days of love, wherever,
For I'm still waiting,
Each day now I,
Keep on thinking,
Was it you or just I, lagging
Behind, hanging low,
Far off where your love was,
Wish I could be the one,
You always dreamt of...
But me,
I still gave you affection,
Baby I was born to make mistakes,
Not to fake Perfection,
After all these years, i still think,
Was it you or was it I,
For me it is still at halt,
After all the time did pass by,
Now, I lay here surprised, still agonised,
Still remember the final day,
When you left me paralyzed,
Not by body
But by heart,
It stopped beating once we were apart...

I dont know about you,
Saw you laughing down the road..
Seemed so real but not true,
Heard you saying..
you moved on
Well so fast?  Dint know you were so strong!

Or tell me you dint love me actually,
Or even maybe like me,
Why did then you play my heart?
couldn't you even see?
i gave you all but no pain,
But you went on hurting me..
For all the things.. you did to me all through,
You'll have to pay the price,
Oneday, of the tears I cried for you......

Safe in my harbor,
docked with you...
assured my heart,
was safe with you.

My turn came to take the crew,
time to part from the dock and you...
looked at you sideways,
but was forced to steer away.

Thought you would lift your hands,
and stop me from sailing by...
thought you would rush to me,
riding past the rough waves...

Felt your pain as you tried to break away,
your agonised look when the ropes didn't give away...
you grimaced and I felt the tremor in you,
as I took every step away from you.

Not so sure when we would meet again,
We would if the storms are kind...
I will brave the winds and the storms,
to rush to your side as soon as i can...

Wishing for another crew,
sail you en route...
What more can I do,
except wishing you would join.

The wait is inevitable,
The wait is frustrating...
The wait is intolerable,
The wait chokes me...

Wish we're merged on our sides,
that way we can move side by side...
Be it morning, be it night,
life would be fun with you be my side...

sunbathing on a sunny day,
fighting the waves on a stormy day,
not caring if the sun dries us,
or when the rain soaks us,
or when the wind tosses us...

Together we will stand proud,
like a flag at full mast...
fluttering with joy,
Gulls bellowing by....

Wish we're merged on our sides,
that way we can move side by side...
Be it morning, be it night,
life would be fun with you be my side.

The garden served little purpose
It sprawled across the bored ground, despondent beneath the yawning sun
My mother would wail her annual rage
At the snarling weeds that softly smothered the flowers
How I loved those flowers
Rejected footballs perplexed the lawn
Their obtuse hulks spoiling that ripple of green
I found a four leafed clover there once
He poked his obscure head above his brothers: a suicide mission to bring me luck
They are all dead now
I didn’t waste nearly enough time reclined on that jealous cushion
Watching the lethargic clouds wobble on

But most otiose of all in that seldom wandered paradise was the Wall
That Wall was never high enough
I see it from my back door
Squat, depressed, sighing, each dusty clot of red brick seems so lifeless
Doomed to live out the rest of its days as a failure
All flung ***** that compress their rubbery bodies against it will soon vault over
It crudely bookends the busily neat hedge
Simply because that is where the drunken soil runs out
It fails too at its chief instruction:
Be the purgatory bridge between Our heaven and Their hell
But the Wall was never high enough

I remember the other side of the Wall
How I crouched in filth
Needless to be afraid of a cut from a single blade of grass
Impoverished chickens clucked in the squalor
How they survived such malnourishment awed me
The friends I thought I had there cheated me
And I ran from that disastrous place
Where chaos twisted the agonised branches of the hedge we shared
But it followed me like an age old Gypsy curse
Even today, a writhing, mewing splodge of night will sit on the Wall
Looking too fat for its own fur coat
It will viciously attack the thin air for a while
Perhaps accept a stroke but, seeing no morsel, wander home
But I am not spared
For I can see its wasteland kingdom from my window

It is not an evil place
But the Wall was never high enough

The hanged man

A satanic symbol
A cup of blood made into wine
The death of the divine
His flesh made into bread
that we eat in silent reverence for the dead
You were made to pay for our sins
But we still live on your grace
A miss shaped agonised face
You are said to be immortal
A portal to heaven
Where we can all live in paradise
We just have to drop our human vice
and be forgiven and believe
But did you die only for a story?
That an apple was picked from a tree
You took a fall for Adam and Eve and all humanity
Or was it just an elaborate con
That our civilisation leans upon
That we are taught that we are inherently evil
Or else we would live, love and forgive
Perhaps the universe understands
that humanity lives on a see saw
one day you're on top, tomorrow you're in free fall
The one gift we have is life
However short
Love each other understand others like you already knew
You don't have to be taught.

A scientist
on TV
was watching an abandoned bear cub
search for its mother.

The scientist knew
where the cub's mother was.

"I'm not sure
how much I should intervene,"
he agonised,
"or whether I should just
let Nature take its course."

As if
his kindest instincts
and his burning desire
and ability to help
were not some of Nature's
most glorious bits of work.

A spray of saliva flies from your mouth,
like a anger-ridden ocean storm,
Eyes widening white with an unfathomable rage,
You're like an ugly monster trapped in a cell.
"Are you claustrophobic dear monster?
Tell me is that the reason you shriek,
like an amplified agonised bird?"

I avoid your mouth,
because every time I cross its path,
it spits out vicious flames which burn my senses,
and I fail to recognise who you are.

Come in, come in, do not be afraid my friend
Walk up my steps and through my door
Everyone is gathered and waiting to commend
Your courage for treading upon this floor.

Of course I am so much older than the glass and wood
That you see now as you make your way inside.
To understand this fact I wish you only could
That I have lived here since long before Christ died.

Please don’t be afraid of that light brush against your leg
It’s only the cat, she heard you enter and now she nears
Do not reach to pet her, this I really must beg
You will come off worse, she hasn’t eaten in 500 years

This shell that is my current form was raised when Victoria reigned
In my life I have been a castle, a poor house, a stables and a fort
Stories of my evil, flow down the years never being explained
But ignore all that, it is the over eager indulging in their sport.

I have not done such bad, perhaps an occasional suicide.
My most recent look and see the very rafters where she hung from
She is most impatient about meeting you ever since the day she died
Shush now can you hear that sound, why it is the dinner drum.

They are over excited, that’ll be the children who live my walls
Cemented in by the parents convinced they were possessed.
The screams that day, you may hear them yet echo down the halls
An awful way to perish, you must consider yourself truly blessed

Six children I have listened to them scream ever since that faithful day
When brick by brick they disappeared so that their parents may flee
The couple met with the black death, that was the price I made them pay
And I got six fine young companions in this house for all eternity.

We do have time before we sit so let’s take a walk upstairs
Three times spouses have sent their lovers tumbling down the other way
Have you ever heard a neck snap as the spinal column tears?
And when the murderer finds what they’ve done they knell to pray and pray

I have them all those three great falls
Downstairs they sit over dinner moonlit
Waiting our guest and each in contest
To hope to spend tonight with our new friend.


Enough of that, I must complete the tour of my ancient abode
From the master bedroom I have really just the view you need.
See that tree? There men caught many a debt they were owed.
Stoning, their enemies tied to it and forced their lives to concede.

Such a messy business and when you meet them I ask you not to stare
The dents and scars of crushed and shattered skulls have followed
Each of these poor agonised fools from life so fair
To this side, to spend their time with heads misshaped and hollowed.

And again the drum *** *** that tells us we are expected
‘tis so rare we get a visitor to join us as we dine
It took a while to gather this meal but now it is perfected
We’ll feast on souls and blood shall serve as a wine.

Ignore that sound, don’t look back for I know you will regret
The hideous creature that follows us will turn your form to stone
That hot damp feeling on your neck it is the beast’s own breath
Stay at my side, by my step it will devour you should you walk alone.

Notice please if you will that the house is changing in exhilaration
Why only just this moment we were walking down steps of wood.
And the house plays its part in giving us this beautiful creation
Can’t you see, it’s now torn out human limbs on which you're stood.

Mind your stomach, keep it down, we have a feast ahead
We would all be saddened if at this time your constitution failed
They have waited so long for no one ever comes to visit us, the dead
They’ll want to hear of your old life so full and deeply detailed.

Old life? Why yes indeed, that is the arrangement that you made
With your friends when you accepted the wager to stay in the haunted house
The deal is done, the book is closed, the ultimate price has been paid
My friend, you look so shocked and you’ve gone as quiet as mouse.

Every time I claim a soul my friend the devil plays upon his fiddle
Come now dry your tears don’t let them know that you cried.
You are our guest of honour take that seat the one that’s in the middle
The girl beside you, she hung herself and in death she’ll be your bride.

Sit my friend don’t pretend
That tonight you can take flight
From this place and your life retrace
You are now here so accept the fear

Finally we are all altogether, at our feast from now until forever.

Visual chaos runs havoc in a weeping world,
echoes of screaming pain in my bleeding words.
The ocean is made from nothing but tears,
a reflection of the fears we hold and self worth.
The stars are slowly fading away into darkness,
love is dying as everybody is becoming heartless.
It seems evil is free to roam in every path,
could we imagine exactly what the stars felt?
We live our lives on hope; an article now lost,
everything we ever once had is now gone.
Faith and belief are becoming nothing but myths,
and dead are now the dreams we had of bliss.
My pen is hurting at the tip leaking drops of blood ink,
silent screams I can hear synonymous to what i think.
Truth has become what we feared as nightmares,
and yet unaware we remain of what the shadow brings.
I'm lyrically paralysed when they physically analyse,
Individually agonised as my syllables detect paradise.
We sit back as we watch the world being visibly vandalised,
And how the seekers of truth are ridiculously patronised.
The winds whisper the secrets of life we never found,
The sins linger with the sight of hell and it's sound.
We have lost this war against the creeping shadows,
and are consumed by our thoughts and our doubts.

i'm rereading a book of published poetry,
and i'm feeling democratic about
fame...
              i got a pencil balancing on my ear
like a non-binge drinking Smurf -
i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow
over the phone: a triage, the bureaucrat
lady is clueless about 20th century
mail... post.. you know, lick the envelope
and lick the postage stamp.
she gets about 20 emails a day worth of
cat videos... ****... it's gonna be painful:
                  i need half a week prior to sending
the notice that i'm almost like an amputee and
i have no recyclable third limbs to attach to the missing
one! woman! understand! she's bonkers about
the calendar and doesn't know
anything about carrier pigeons' intelligence...
woman! not until the date, all mailing services have turned
electronic. no they haven't! the postmen are scared ****-less
but that's beside the point! woman: no, wait until
the exact date of expiration. me: it takes hours
to travel from London to Berkshire!
the transition from 20th to 21st agriculture
of brainwaves, atypical of 19th through
to 20th century differences... she's never learned
arithmetic, but she knows her bureaucratic
rubric limitation like she might know the
holy trinity with the stance: Ayers-rock immobility
to whatever argument might come my way:
this conversation might be monitored and recorded
for "training" / anti-troll purposes -
****, i'm just agonised about the fact that i was
supposed to get a turnip when instead i was sold
parsnip; that can't be good.
but the times i could have taken two girls
to see Aerosmith at Hyde Park
with a joint are long gone, ancient,
fables, Achilles principles the time referencing
to anything curated: passable... turtle mobile...
youth really felt like the Mongolian explosion...
most of the time...
                           people are wondering
why the 1960s didn't work as much as wondering
why Communism was stage-frightened
by the Pope... at the zenith the 1960s was the bomb...
then it fizzled out... by the time Communism
was underneath a heap of Martial Law
Commandments... no wonder the dual failures...
well, because it isn't really Karaoke these days:
but it's sing-along nonetheless:
genius dries up... if it ain't a Mozart,
then its collective (genus), the the fizzling out of
the once fizzy is harder to take on the chin...
**** and puppies!
                            oh sure, a success story
in terms of providing the household appliances,
but in terms of art? a ******* failure...
look at them: never the earnest clappers
and idolatry stinkers... Judases among Judases:
or some said: moralising artists is the best gig in town...
we can bank-out the bankers and all
will be frankly worth ***** trained applause...
and they did that, exactly
to the non-existent prose... they sold out artists
and bailed out bankers...
because the sheep always sway with: b'ah, b'ah...
translated into humanity: blah blah.
but i have to admit, it was fun taking two girls
to an Aerosmith gig in Hyde Park,
passing a joint around...
                    as ever the cenobite...
            well, due to motto:
a ***** don't give, a dog don't take -
                   cos' the elder gent has the influential
              chess-moves apiece: colts to the gutter...
                yep... ******' worth of ******* stutter.
                                        now i have a book
of poetry, alter.: a word about my "sensitivity",
a doctor's appointment at 8 a.m. to no definite hour,
triage takes 5 minutes... the ingenious n.h.s....
              i'm drinking whiskey and staying up all night...
after the appointment for a sick notice
(which, to be frank, the English nation should be
proud of, £120 a week and a free poem in friendly America -
friendly... hmm puff puff a laugh) i'm heading to
my former high school to drop off a book of poems
with the signature: to Meester BUNCE...
     who gave me a poetry assignment aged 16
and made me a poet... (no, not the crass pathetic
rhyming types that make it a living rhyming
in advertisement, rather the new-narrator types) -
i'll correct the publishers errors in pencil
and tell him to keep a copy, and stash another copy
in the school library - he always said:
Shaky rather than Shakespeare - never said poaching
a pear...
                        shaking a spare? shaking a spear?
      it really doesn't matter...
i ought to have a shave and leave the goat
where it is...
                         he wasn't that much for me:
that ingrained emblem of England to later continue:
exacting national pride like Mickiewicz in Poland...
                      these famous people
just get their remains moved many more times
after they die than the living remortgage during their lifetimes.

Dull pattering through agonised woods

fumbling winds, serrating storms

animals vanishing into the undergrowth

scurrying beneath the ground

birds huddling under leaves.

The river breaks its bank

water spreading out like *****

villages swamped with infestation.

The storm batters and bruises,

bellowing through the night like a troubled god.

Like a bird in  cage,she flutters her wings for freedom
Prisoned in his devilish abode, she craves for  attention
The Demon, bold and strong marked upon her his scent
'This is my territory and you are my prisoner
Never in my wildest dream will I let you free
as you are my only solace' he told her.

'I want freedom, in its accepted form'
Devasted I am with this imprisonment guarded by lust,
How can I unlock the cage to your heart,' she replied in a voice which trailed off into muteness


Agonised in pain
succumbed with misery,
She realised the path to his heart
Is one tough journey

The Demon made his appearance into her chamber,
Startled with his presence, she kept away her thoughts for later
For he came and pushed her
Kissing her passionately,against the wall.

Holding her up against the silky red plasters,
He worked his way to open her antique lace dress
With perfect dexterity,he unhooks every button
And plants silent kisses
She moans with pleasure
As he marks her with his teeth down her neck.


Lost herself to the demon of lust.
Not her mistake to fall in love,
Little did she knew the cost of love.
Such lust ; Such pain
The endurement of love.

I know you haven’t heard from me
For a millennium, but here I am
Still around, still observing, still involved.
I am ancient of course but no older than before
When you knew me as a warrior-striding
Over flaming mountains and trembling seas.
Do you remember?
Do you remember how I inspired you from
The clouds? My voice like thunder,
My voice carrying lightening from a darkening
Sky? ……………………Well, anyway, good to see
You all once again.
I actually haven’t been myself recently.
My legs have troubled me. My eyes
Have been plaguing me. I cannot see the earth
Clearly anymore.  In my wizened vision
It resembles a roughly-used marble,
I am after all, now and forever, the ancient of days.

Here’s the thing. I’m getting bored both of
Your antics and your obsession
With me. Please, lighten up! I made the
Sun so you would smile, children to give you hope!
But, it didn’t work I fear.

I can abide your petty squabbles.
Truly I can. I can abide your desperate need
For war. It’s quite exciting really and once I played
My part. The agonised features of the dying
Appeal to my nasty side to be honest.
I have a very nasty side as you are well aware.
I like your skyscrapers, your irritating as flies planes,
Your huge cities, your good as well as your promiscuous
Women, your strange observances
Songs and poetry. It is all very jolly.  But,
And it’s a huge ‘but’ I must admit,
I have grown bored.
You no longer inspire me. I am no longer
Eager to view your funny ways
When I wake, and before I sleep. I’ve decided
Your little planet must go. Sorry, I’m like that.
I follow my whims. Tomorrow, at 10 I turn off the light
So, please, stop praying. It’s so depressing.
There will be no reprieve this time. Accept your fate!
You will not feel a thing!  So, let’s make our final goodbyes.
I have really enjoyed your company-
Au Revoir. Oh, please stop crying-
It was great fun after all for all of us. Remember,
Nothing lasts forever. Not even me!

A green crescent shines over the white grass
Plastic bags, teddy bears, and cheap make up
Scattered around the muddy land
You drink my violet blood from your crystal wine glass
Reminding me of the Christ, and the immortal cup
You touch my hand
And your thoughts escape to my dysfunctional brain
Planting thoughts that are darker than the sun
And they grow and grow,
You water them with your agonised memories
"You are beautiful", I whisper to your ear
And you smirk, yet you didn't  hear
My voice is drowned by your narcissistic bickerings...
And I stare at the green crescent
I bring the gun to my head,
And slowly, ever so slowly,  pull the trigger
And **** you.

(i) pre-scriptum: anchor posit

it would be all-too obvious that i'm going to begin with writing about nonsensical subjects... bowel movements... what's not to laugh about... a warm-up standing before a firing-squad metaphor... not my last words: how they don't tend to bury people with epitaph these days... in manus dei... which is hardly an epitaph... definition of epitaph: a transcendence of maxim... the... maxim... the sigma of all the incremental parts that once held the man as subject of life...

...i cycled into central London to do no more than:
**** myself off...
all those lives i'm not part of...
without a drop of bitterness:
i guess i can only be glad...
somewhere in South London past
Waterloo station nearing the Shard
i came across... a mythological blonde...
yoga-pants... *****-esque...
couldn't tell the traffic from a horserace...
she had that expression
on her face that read:
i've been to a few ******* parties...
all holes properly used...
come to think of it: i'm only
there to be ******: not there to do some
return policies...
so a timid deer...
point made when i noticed three-guys
ogling her up...
eyes turned to lap-dancing tongues...
point proven...
well... it's South London... even if's still
teasing the scent of the Thames...
it's a lot different over the river...
so i "debated" myself
on the point...
   CS4 is worse than CS3...
oh most assuredly...
CS4 is congested...
too many pit-stops...
i promised myself that i would never
again cycle into central London
via little Bangladesh that begins
in Ilford and ends at Aldgate...
that's CS4...
CS3 though? oh that's another barrel of
laughs... begins in Barking...
although it could begin in Rainham...
and ends at... don't know... to be honest...
i must have taken a CR13 from tower bridge
through to Waterloo station...
but... it's the proper underbelly of the city...
near the docks come Canary Wharf...
as i promised myself i would never
again cycle into a heavily urban scenario
being the tourist of faces and all manner
of the locals' mannerisms:
i said to myself... Essex county is open...
the trees the diluted traffic... all that fresh air...
but not exactly Belgium: flat...
such contemplations when you find
a pseudo-Nirvana of the third take of
emptying yourself into the throne-of-thrones
because... you put a quasi-hibernation
plug in your ******* for the day
and now the bowels strike back with
a build-up to a crescendo of: unplugging...
the usual suspect of bits & bobs...
  that allows you to suppose you've
been emptied but... ooh... oh...
the crescendo proper...
                      custard pie... of ****...
thank god for all the stealth work...
the pipes... the sewage treatment plants...

(ii) change of focus

i always had an invitation toward a monk's life...
ever since visiting Taizé...
the Teutonic Order had a brothel in their
monks' citadel at Marienburg...
a break from a 4 year dry run...
perhaps the end of a year of grief having
buried a friend of mine:
fishing, cycling / reading buddy...
someone to watch the Vierschanzentournee
come Christmas and New Year...
someone to listen to on a dementia loop
as if: no... the memory bank wasn't broken...
it was on a repeat that
asked the question:
is this a drowning man...
               clinging to a razor?
once old ages enter the fore...

it was all pristine in my head: i almost chuckled...
now coming to the canvas i can see it's going
to be a hard-won effort:
mini-digressions is my best attempt
to keep this afloat... even though it's sinking
like a hard-earned stone of mass...

sometimes drinking has a taste.... esp. in the variation
of kalimotxo... with a red Marlboro:
like it's the taste synonymous with a
first kiss... both of you are slobbering teenager
all to ready to precursor either *******
of glugging down oysters / eating fleshy
flowers... tongues to eager...
an ode to the mosquito legion owner/ vampire goat...

(iii) words come across as shortcomings
  
i don't have enough patronage money to begin
painting... a photograph will have to do...
i remember this room, this same brothel...
there were two mirrors on the wall...
i'll bring her a copy of my book of poetry
and i'll ask her if i can take a photograph
of her face... for the love of Rousseau's
heart for a god... beside the argument: i need to photograph
her in a variation of the antithesis of the self-portrait...
i'm already saving up for the hour...
perhaps she will say no...
but i don't want a ****...
nor a picture of my phallus in her mouth...
i need contortions using the two mirrors...
words have become the weapons of gods
and gagging orders of men...
Khadaj'ah...
              something has to arrive sooner:
i'm breathtakingly agonised by my own: coils...

cauliflower - ALUMINITE - alias
of brain tissue folds...
           Al₂(SO₄)(OH)₄ . 7H₂O...
well... if it isn't me looking at paintings...
or naked bodies of prostitutes...
it's me looking at minerals
and their chemical formulas...

all that's quartz SiO₂...
most notably the amethyst... iron stained quartz...
jasper... petrified wood quartz...
onyx quartz... agate...

or... VANADINITE
   Pb₅(VO₄)₃Cl....

now... if i were drinking a second bottle of wine
to calm the already frantic nerves
at the prospect of the next encounter
all school-boyish...
and owned a dog... he might bark at me...
a feline presence is more welcome:
joke of my curing insomnia and "insomnia"
with this here wine...
fern of a creature... always disappears
into the dream world...
who asks for a leash or a muzzle
or walkers in the presence of a cat:
a time least spent: certainly not wasted:
that cats decided to sleep more than
actually waste their time with being:
conscious...
not somehow a waste of time:
like the waste of time modern man has
become: seeking refuge in "reverse-psychology":
duped by the undercurrent of
the crucifix of the subconscious...

the holy Freudian trinity... the sacred secular
trinity of the: consciousness:
the son... subconscious: the holy spirit...
the collectively shackled premature
*******... pre-suppositional heap of dung...
the father: shackled... proper:
in the unconscious...
if asked: about time to raise the father:
to unearth him... "him": who is my father?
shy-titan... you already know the score...

it excites me more and more with the prospect
of writing these words
and coming back with a photograph of the
*******...
dizzying heights of the grave of gravity
in that's how my body: hollows out
futures... and tendencies of a list of todays...
if only i had enough and of having enough
i would become bored:
perhaps i could become an ageing lecher...
but since i'm gagging for the least:
of the last... i'll be keeping up the spirit of mute:
sometimes teasing onomatopoeias during
*******... i want to take a selfie of
her using at least two mirrors...

i want to take two photographs...
my mind is burning from the mere thought...
clear the fog...
thank god no genetic details of mine
will be passed on...
i couldn't shackle myself to the responsibility
of children...
call it immature:
a delinquency... i will call it what it has been
for almost... "forever"...
share my responsibility in the coming
onslaught...
           if i'm feeling it... what's to suppose there's
no build-up of a greater tide...

i've made satire of the "diet"...
fuckless for years...
but come the opportune moment when i wake
up and take to a feeding:
i find her...
       juiced up from the cradle of my
unsatisfied longing...
can a woman tell a man hasn't touched
his antonym in so long
as to also not have: some... pillow-talk ref.
to combat that carnal Kandinsky-build up moment?

wine! wine! more wine!
words are staggering when picture would
better suffice to encapsulate these sensations...
for those that have had enough:
retreat into kink... gimp suits and all that's latex...
for those that haven't had enough:
retreat into mirrors...
    revising slits of katakana-niqab rereading...
some depeche mode doesn't hinder...
and one: either...

        oh sure: reimagine...
it's a feverish writing of a man who desires all that
might invoke the zenith of a shared
patience with each other:
for the worth of an hour's worth...
after the hour's done...
there's no companionship...
there are no shared stories...
we return to the shadow: we return to the grave...
the foetus is cut from the womb
from the umbilical chord...
the hour's enough...

i return to my: steinherz...
she returns to her: dachboden-frivolfotze-eskapaden...
i'm glad other people can:
cut-the-mustard... and... reproduce...
if i don't die by my own hands
aiming at the pulse...
alone in a hospital ward eyeing up nurse
with one of these octopi purely pupil eyes
of rage... i never...
it will be a private affair:
no one will interrupt the world
of people having their conversations:
i'll keep in mind the congregation
of crows:
i'll keep the crow forever in my mind...

(iv) body needs to be under 5K

can you believe me that i acknowledge all that you have written with... how can i escape verbiage...  oh wait... i was hoping your wouldn't spiral out of control with a bunch of defence mechanisms: easily-offended etc. you are... a breath of fresh air... truly... comparison? even though you sent me your picture... it's in the back of my mind... i don't remember it: i'm still focused on the avatar you presented... and... oddly enough: you are starting to resemble Harley Quinn... sipping that espresso while reading a romance novel while the whole world around her: is ablaze... let's forget the the buzzwords i picked up... they're not important... they're not important if we have allowed ourselves to synchronise ourselves on other points of interest... i can be excused leaving some time between reply, though, no? you still are a pen-pal who's sharing her passion for teaching... it's never personal... it might become personal if i pressure you with imitating my punctuation, or, for that matter: some grammatical idiosyncrasy... the red roses: roses are red... n'ah... bad example... not off the top of my head (scalp included) to make a point... i agree... we're two people toying with imitation ping-pong... next subject matter... ah... oh... casual ***... paid for or... somehow... spontaneously... given?  i already have an answer in my head: from experience... i was reading the sunday times magazine last weekend... dating apps... i know they came about circa 2012... apparently there was this great revolution of people seeking & finding casual ***... i was still into my psychotic trip without the use of hallucinogenic juice... "fear of god"? ha ha... i've just heard that dating apps were a breakthrough in how people made themselves available... casual ***... me visiting a brothel probably itches the thought: where *** is so freely available... but there's someone out there... still willing to use cables... when everyone else is using wireless WIFI... notably for headphones... i still buy vinyl and CD to "translate" the music to MP3... you're asking what casual *** is: akin to? you want me to describe what it feels like? it probably feels like any form of intimacy that one subscribes to within the "confines" (parameters) of long-term relationship expectations... although more concentrated... esp. if you haven't had a chance to be intimate with someone... my last diet lasted for 4 years... extended by a year since i was grieving for my grandfather's death... i was grooming my pet cat and she... decided to agitate me... not cognitively: primordially: therefore sexually... i'm not into this whole trans-sexuality... but what i was agitated by was a trans-species probe... i had to find resolve and exercise against a canvas of a woman... "against": to match-up to... to compliment... i found that in order to have casual ***: one must be unusually restrained for the whole affair to become: passable: casual... you can't bring your firsty laundry... your most inhibited frailty to the fore... a most assured contraint is to never invoke words during *******... at best: vowels... with a pinch of consonant: i call it the vowel-catcher "principle": what could be shouted as A... becomes a softly oozed out Ah from mouth to mouth... you chose the subject matter: blah! politics... whatever faction we supposedly belong to: there's always that citizen of the world: the universal man nibble... isn't there? would you want me to tell you what you might be missing in the arena of casual ***? i couldn't tell you... since i haven't used any of the modern short-cuts of the hook-up culture "dating" bonanza... i'm an outdated model when it comes to ***... if it happens... casually... proper... once or twice... there was this... no... i won't go into the details... it was my birthday and i mixed her a decent cocktail and.... well... the pistons... the grease.. whatever metphor you like... then there was this Thai-surprise... she was supposedly a lesbian... later a bisexual... i took her home and played her some Kind of Blue... it's not like jazz is cheap... am i still... sounding a bit crass: "objectifying" as a way of making shortcuts? isn't it? *** without having children? it must be... esp. if you have long spells of not doing what most urban folk seem to be having all the time: unless they're merely boasting about having: smoke & mirrors... i'd allow my head to be chopped off and turn into an urban myth surrounding a cockroach if i could have more of it... the urban myth of the cockroach? apparently if you decapitate a cockroach... it keeps on living: a zombie torso... finally dying after two weeks from... hunger... since... the ****** obvious... it has no head to ingest food with! - how odd... i thought i had something original to write tonight... i started scribbling then lasted long enough to find myself writing too poorly, so i resorted to read my inbox messages... i am more willing to leave you with a reply than have to masquerade with some "originality"... you asked me: or at least insinuated about casual ***...what's your take on *******? i ask the question while listening to the cure: short term effect from the album: *******... i'll hardly make this a light-hearted question... i don't even think it might be categorized as a question: hasn't ******* / rather the spread of it... become ominous? i still remember the ****** of shame with colour in my cheeks when i would buy: a magazine short of sinister... a woman's naked body: if not celebrated.... sure... i'll be the one jerking off to a revision of the **** via cubism... the face will not be a sorting out process of a nightmare...  if ever i watch a pornographic movie: it will be done via turning the sound off... whatever a woman is concerned i like to see a potential: i don't like to see something to imitate... come to think of it: i don't think i've asked a question: if i wanted some clarity... i would be gagging for it... no wonder we moved away from politics and onto such "pressing" matters as to why: so many of us are not getting enough of "it"... no? whether we have children or we don't have children: i've seen it for my very own eyes: having children doesn't allow you to savour certain guarantees:  my maternal grandfather ought to have been surrounded by his loved ones... his grandson (moi) and his daughter... (my mother)... what came about? a "conspiracy" between his wife (my grandmother)... and his son (my uncle)... so he died... alone... in a hospice... last time i checked in never wanted to have *** beyond the gratifications bound to the "casual":... i want the puddle experience when other people might stress: there's the sea! there's the sea!
you probably acknowledged a truth that wasn't a question before someone who... wouldn't want you to find seeking said experience as something... necessarily... equally shared by one and all... it won't be... i've had my moments of raging against the night having spent a paid hour with nothing more than kisses... caresses and a limp phallus... come to think of it: i don't think *** is ever "casual":  it might be for sociopaths... sociopaths who "think" that stealing apples from a grocery stall is synonymous with buying them...  by casual i'm implying: it's better that there's a transactional transparency invoked: someone is getting more than the other... the party involved with thirst is thirsty... the party selling water: eh... a metaphorical muddle by now...  while you're wondering why casual *** is like... i'm wondering what... fatherhood is... it's a nice compliment of agitations... what wouldn't i do with fatherhood: well... what wouldn't i... keep 3am a time worth staying awake for... so that i might sccribble some words down...

(v) comment section

commented on Mr *******s Integrity

- it must be a fairies' tail...no? at least en engaged cat telling with waggling to joke at the dogs' investment in: the currency of leash / muzzle? good to know that you remember Mr. Schmidt... i'mm somehow sure he wouldn't be content with anyone else remembering him... lessons seem to have been learned... and all the best of him: kept, since you allowed him to be: so graced.

- One thing I’m sure of is only a twisted A-hole would make a comment like this but at least thanks for reading this and these were real people.

- i'm the twisted A-hole and you're the "dear Jesus"... crux-sucker? fair enough... love's a temple... however you want it: on your knees... hey! your take on the best dangling of doodling fancy. no problem... i'm no homophobe.

seems to me... people lack all the entertainmet
when it comes to nuancing language...
they can digest jokes...
they can doodle around with crosswords...
but... when it comes to...
hell: if they're not going to bother...
why the **** ought, i?!
too many movies: too many books unread...
a barrage of art has left everyone
yet to feed into the feels of:
the end of the 20th century: romance.

Dad,
I am no longer your little girl
you can no longer protect me
not from the monsters within.

In a black hole you see me falling
In dark corners curling,
In the bottom of oceans sailing;
storms stonewalling.

Dad, you might think I am thralled -
But I tell you!

In my bed
I am appalling, trawling
reaching
for something to grasp
trying to calm myself down
Shoving the memories back.

Fighting the demons.
I see them
sprawling across
me
my dreams
my lungs
my THOUGHTS..
    my thoughts
          my thoughts...

DAD!!

I am betrayed
by my own mind...
          my body
          is REBELLING against me...

Despite the mountains
I trained
to carry
above my shoulders...

Some days -
Some days it feels
I am skinned alive...

One breeze of air
is enough to run sirens
alerting a world of
A BILLION neurons

Leaving me
stranded
agonised
looking for shelter,
wishing I can
crawl back
to my mother's womb
    sit, curl, and hold my legs -
    grasp the umbilical cord
    hear her heartbeat
1... 2...
Breath... In... Out...

Dear Dad,
don't you worry.
You raised a strong girl.
patiently she learnt -
how to beautifully braid
her fears and tears.

Your little girl
learnt how to play-
with the monsters nested in the head....
and the monsters under the bed.... into poetic ink
and art on the wall
she transformed them all.

She is a survivor, who copes

That said...

Every now and then
in my own bubble
you'll see me
slipping
in my favourite corner
sitting
unconsciously
graves for my unborn children
digging
not seeing a point for
living.

Deep inside
I will be silently screaming
I am brave
I am brave
But I am
slightly cursed
scarred
wishing I was still
your little girl

It's all too crowded,
The breaths in the room.
Cornered.Surrounded.
Lost,Hand of mystique shrouded in gloom.
Can you hear the drops?
diamonds clink and bounce
frozen tears-fatal-to stop,
and bleed the unwound-able in one fell swoop.
Tragedy that the height you fell from was meteoric,
A skyscraper length until you hit the ground.
A tossed doll,broken, pre-loved
Agonised tortured scream that made without a sound.
No longer a fallen angel when you keep treading
the waves of murky water.
Can't you delve into the depths of my soul and read the
depleting resources that are farther-
from where you are.
Isolated Island,find your way home.
But breadcrumbs can float,
if all the lights are extinguished and you find yourself alone.
Darling,don't you notice I'm dying,
Each day you stay growing in the shade,
The more nutrients that are shielded from me
I am overburdened with pain.
Smile,it might surprise you
Laugh it may caress you
Live, with or without me
just live in that rare beauty.

Dull pattering through agonised woods
fumbling winds, serrating storms
animals vanishing into the undergrowth
scurrying beneath the ground
birds huddling under leaves.
The river breaks its bank
water spreading out like *****
villages swamped with infestation.
The storm batters and bruises,
bellowing through the night like a troubled god.

It has been a long fortnight of half-change,
Collecting tips for charity buckets
And scrawling ink in my hand-bound notebook.

I am nesting. Preparing my bedpan
For tomorrow’s hangover, as I learn
Artefacts of knowledge passed through these books.

There is no career plan. No thought of the
Ladders I’ll need to set on the brickwork,
Just to weep at the windows of success.

I am learning for the sake of learning,
and loving for the sake of a story.
Sorrow is wanted, just for the moment;

Just so that I can stumble through the door
And hold onto the receipt in your mind.
These agonised thoughts have to mean something.

If not, well, I suppose not much will change.
I’ll work this shift and retire again,
Always slipping back into a routine.

Is there something waiting for me?
Because everybody knows I'm missing,
Each effort, gone and lost,
Until I remember my loneliness,
Wasn't this what I wanted?
I fill myself with regret, every single sip,
As I lay down on a bed,
Agonised and prosaic,
Watching through a screen, white light,
Scrolling down, tears abrupt,
Should I notice the uneventful latter?
Of people that unintentionally empathise,
I, the melting melancholic maniac,
They care and look out for.

A phobia, too frightening and aghast,
I hold in secret locked inside,
A fear of sociality, interaction, discussions,
I decide to bury within.

All I wanted to be was adored,
But my pupils dilate as they appear,
I never think of compassion and love,
I abhor and think it is fake,
It ruins me, every single emotion,
Is that why you decided to discard the past?
So you can forget the meaning of love,
But we are alike and the same,
But you ripped the hope out of my mind,
And I will hate you ever since,
And will pay for the crime of sin.