Dad,
I am no longer your little girl
you can no longer protect me
not from the monsters within.

In a black hole you see me falling
In dark corners curling,
In the bottom of oceans sailing;
storms stonewalling.

Dad, you might think I am thralled -
But I tell you!

In my bed
I am appalling, trawling
reaching
for something to grasp
trying to calm myself down
Shoving the memories back.

Fighting the demons.
I see them
sprawling across
me
my dreams
my lungs
my THOUGHTS..
    my thoughts
          my thoughts...

DAD!!

I am betrayed
by my own mind...
          my body
          is REBELLING against me...

Despite the mountains
I trained
to carry
above my shoulders...

Some days -
Some days it feels
I am skinned alive...

One breeze of air
is enough to run sirens
alerting a world of
A BILLION neurons

Leaving me
stranded
agonised
looking for shelter,
wishing I can
crawl back
to my mother's womb
    sit, curl, and hold my legs -
    grasp the umbilical cord
    hear her heartbeat
1... 2...
Breath... In... Out...

Dear Dad,
don't you worry.
You raised a strong girl.
patiently she learnt -
how to beautifully braid
her fears and tears.

Your little girl
learnt how to play-
with the monsters nested in the head....
and the monsters under the bed.... into poetic ink
and art on the wall
she transformed them all.

She is a survivor, who copes

That said...

Every now and then
in my own bubble
you'll see me
slipping
in my favourite corner
sitting
unconsciously
graves for my unborn children
digging
not seeing a point for
living.

Deep inside
I will be silently screaming
I am brave
I am brave
But I am
slightly cursed
scarred
wishing I was still
your little girl