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the white deer Oct 2015
The sun creeps through two small windows where the wall and
ceiling meet, small panels of light begin their saunter towards us
on the couch.
You’ve rolled over towards me in your sleep, and our legs are tangled.
Hot breath on my neck and chest, but it feels good. I’m cold.
I hear bustling and business upstairs, the sound of pots and pans pinging
and crashing together.
You contract briefly, and then extend your arms and legs like morning glories in spring,
a sort of early morning développé:
Oh my gosh, you say, I am so thirsty, rubbing your thumbs on your temples,
cradling your forehead in your fingers.
Rising from the auburn leather sofa, we approach the stairs
and have a hearty, stale laugh together before venturing upstairs.
At the top, your mother’s red kitchen is alive:
Peppers and onions sauté in a pan on the stove. She stirs eggs in an orange ceramic bowl.
Your father reads the newspaper, squinting even through his glasses. Your younger sister paces the hardwood clutching one single, black combat style boot, muttering about
her siblings taking her clothes.
Your parents say nothing to me of spending the night- your father says only Good morning, and
your mother, How are you? Can I get you anything? Offer your guest something to drink.
A wry smile shades in your lips.
Sep 2015 · 19.9k
tetanus shot (II)
the white deer Sep 2015
Shall I compare thee to a rusty basketball hoop?

I feel the same way when I touch you:

You’re familiar, constant, friendly, but apt to hurt me if I come too close.

Each time I cut my hand on you,

I’m asking everyone, Should I go to the ER?

Everyone is asking me:

Why don’t you get a new basketball hoop?
the white deer Sep 2015
Rich, red raspberries in your palm,
rolled there from a damp paper towel as you sit
crosslegged on hardwood floor,
perfect posture,
head leaned against the lowest of the barres in the studio.
Your shoulder blades shift and
your collarbones gleam with perspiration.
Down the wall, another girl savors every drop of an orange.
Through the wall we hear an instructor yelling
and slipping into strings of Spanish curses.
You lean your head on to my shoulder wearing a new shade of lip stain: raspberry romance.
I bite into my bell pepper like an apple and
try not to breathe too loud.
Oct 2014 · 2.5k
blatant metaphor
the white deer Oct 2014
i see so much of myself in you,
and you have such subtle give in your conviction,
your eyes are like mirrors,
your heart a hardwood floor,
but someone has ripped the barre
from this ballet studio,
i find no place in you
to steady myself.
Jun 2014 · 1.1k
inundation
the white deer Jun 2014
for the first time, I have my hands on your hips,
and if I were a betting man I'd say the third shot of gin
is who put them there.
I am staring at your lower lip,
and you're staring at my eyes, or something.
the part of my brain that hasn't been inundated by alcohol is begging me to stop,
but the rest of me is begging you to never let go once your cold hands find my burning neck.
Jun 2014 · 7.3k
freckles.
the white deer Jun 2014
every summer, your freckles come out like a broad Irish galaxy.
the planets are summer days that I wish I could waste with you.
and there is a star for every single dance I wish I'd have had with you.
an asteroid belt of insults and haphazard tweets.
but I slide on, a lonely astronaut,
skimming your freckled universe.
May 2014 · 4.3k
Sunday mornings
the white deer May 2014
you won't even look at me in school,
but when I show up unannounced
on Sunday mornings with smoothies,
your mom welcomes me in,
you descend the stairs with your graceful, conservative foxtrot of a gait.
you hug me hello and we laugh about things like normal people.
your dad comes in from the yard work to say hello to me,
ask me where I'm headed to college.
everything is the way it should be but
you won't even look at me in school.
May 2014 · 1.6k
douchebag
the white deer May 2014
for a really long time I was just nice to people but they walked all over me
about the time I started loving you I figured that if I could stand up for myself you'd like me
but now I'm an "*******" and I
"used to be nice."
but being an ******* is all I can do for people to not walk all over me,
and I only changed because I thought you would like me.
May 2014 · 966
afraid
the white deer May 2014
I am so ******* scared of losing you
May 2014 · 5.7k
peer pressure
the white deer May 2014
say what's in this drink?
coz I don't really think
that that's such a good plan...

you know how I am
with peer pressure

and the shapes that you make with your lips
are all the most convincing kinds.
Apr 2014 · 1.1k
burnt
the white deer Apr 2014
the feeling of exclusion is the knife in my stomach
and every time one of the people who
if you asked them would say
"he's my friend, yeah!"
tweets or talks to or does anything really
that makes me believe they are excluding me
I get sick.

It makes me want to smash porcelain plates
and take sledgehammer to wooden furniture.
I want something beautiful to ******* burn.
because you've ******* burned my insides,
and now I am not beautiful on the inside.
I am bitter and charred,
and I would rather feel nothing than this.
Apr 2014 · 617
burning bridges
the white deer Apr 2014
that's it,
I've really done it now.
I've gone and earned this:
I have successfully burned every bridge
I had built the last four years.

the scariest part is
I don't feel anything

that usual pressure below my
ribs
isn't there.
I don't feel like I've lost anything.

that's what really scares me.
Apr 2014 · 769
fifty/fifty
the white deer Apr 2014
everything is a lose-lose with you
I always charge into battle knowing
it's a suicide mission.

and before I can draw a sword or raise a rifle
my brain and heart raise the white flag
and you accuse me again,
"whenever we talk, I just talk at you.
do you even listen to me?"

dear God yes I listen.
I hang on every word and I
hear them at night when I'm in bed.
Apr 2014 · 740
you used to be pt 1
the white deer Apr 2014
"you used to be nice."
(that's the last thing you said to me.
you asked me what was wrong which
was really nice of you and a little weird
but I'm not complaining.)
we were interrupted. some friends sat down.

I'm sick of people seeing right through me (especially you,
you asked me what's wrong)
you say: it's because I'm not being myself. that
I say the things I say because I think
it will make people like me, or get laughs.
I guess you're right.

but you're the only reason I changed.
I thought you would like me better.
Apr 2014 · 1.3k
plan b
the white deer Apr 2014
"plan a" was to be cordial:
you said, "coexist."
we toasted with our cappuccinos,
"to coexisting," before replacing our masks.
smile. wave. be polite.
I suppose some dozen missteps by me rendered this plan
useless.

"plan b" is much harder.
put your hand on the table.
the knife comes down, quick,
press the hot metal to the wound.

amputate. cauterize.
use your friends as a tourniquet,
like the one I've been twisting you into for the last year
and a half.
Apr 2014 · 980
midwest
the white deer Apr 2014
Pray for me;
The Midwest is freezing.
I don’t understand it but I do occasionally fold my hands
And pray but usually I get
Distracted.
I pretend to be as distant as I can
But I’m actually pretty invested.
People tend to see through all that. Through me.
It’s all an act to disguise how stupid I am and how desperate
I am for attention.
But for all the times people see through me it’s crazy
How little I can see of other people and much I read into others
Actions. I’m so obsessed with touching tasting feeling
And I always **** it up.
Mar 2014 · 511
something warm
the white deer Mar 2014
talking to you is like running
though a maze I've memorized and
I know most of the twists and turns.
there are only a few corners I haven't
ventured to explore.
adding a glass of wine or two drops
new walls to that maze, and as I try to speak
I hit barriers I hadn't ever encountered before
you accuse me, "whenever we talk I just talk at you."
I bite my tongue and hope for blood or something warm to fill my lungs.
Mar 2014 · 1.1k
synapses
the white deer Mar 2014
I want to watch you
eat apples, and drink wine,
because I like the way you do things:
your "hows".
I want to be the synapses in your brain
when you dance,
and when you speak in your polite diction.
I wonder what those synapses do
when I look up and catch you
staring at me.
the white deer Mar 2014
i cant remember at all if it was the gin
or just the smell of winter
that filled the room.
i can't remember if it was the ***** or the fire
that made me feel so warm.
but i remember was you
touching my face
hand on my hip
lips so close but a year of arguments and
one month of boyfriend away from mine.
i can't remember if in the split second i said yes,
did i trust you? or could i just not say no to
your bottom lip which always pouts
just a little
bit.
Mar 2014 · 586
grow up
the white deer Mar 2014
i never thought that i
would be the first one to grow up.
even weirder is that you were the one
who showed me how to be an adult:
how to bite my tongue
and smile.
because that's really what it is.
and next year, you'll be either 100 or 1100 miles away from me,
but what's the difference? you will be gone
either way and right now i don't know
if i ever had any impact on your life other than the
meaningless, literally fake kisses each day:
hello.
goodbye.
even funnier is that i think we're better friends now
than ever. i tell myself it's just acting
but i am still allowed to like it.

— The End —