i hate the way my stomach feels when it’s literally caving into itself, you know? like when you got suppppper close to your first kiss at church camp the year before your grandma died? and then it felt the same way the year she did die and you let that 22 year old feel you up on your first kiss even though you were only 12. sort of like the time you had your first true heart break, you know when he showed you what it was like to not be taken advantage of, and then time that he did take advantage of you? or the time he cheated? or how the night your soul broke because of it and your mom and sisters literally held you down and wept the whole time, begging you to not do this to yourself. you know the build up and drop you get doing a new drug for the first time, and then the 1000th?

yeah it honestly makes me sick, and it’s not just my stomach that’s affected.

morning skys

here i sit
cigarette in hand
best friend across from me
and my brain going a million miles an hour

she’s great, my friend
she always listens, and not the kind of listen that most people would lend you
but the kind that lets you know she’s really in it
she retains and recalls details

see this is so important to me because I ALSO do that
not to mention the very hint of someone not fully engaging with me sends razor blades down my spine
it causes some secret trap door in my stomach to swing open full force and empty the tiny bit of courage i had to speak in the first place

but she’s so good at making me feel heard
she truly cares about the opinions i have to offer, however many billions of them there may be
and she gets interested in my ideas so much that we began to create them together
and did i mention that this chick realllllly digs with whatever i have to say, regardless of how fast my words may be spilling, or the frequent pauses to hit the blunt

i once told her that our friendship may not last due to my borderline personality disorder, but she was always going to be a soulmate of mine due to our spiritual connection
and she spent the next two weeks researching the illness
no one has ever shown so much care for me
so much interest
such understanding

i’m laying down now
my cigarette is done
my best friend is still here
and that’s all i could ever ask for

i want to crawl into a hole and die. my face burns and runs wet with the emotions you’ve caused to rise in me. i didn’t ask for this, i didn’t ask for you. see when i’m alone i am concerned with only fixing that issue, not reveling in the solitude. but when i’m next to you everyday, my mind only drifts to a place far far away from here.

silence is all i’ve ever hoped for
the constant blaring drumming of my heart keeps my mind racing with each pitter patter it lets out
my brain buzzes with activities from
the moment it comes to each day
my stomach screams and falls into itself over and over and over with each rise and fall of excitement and loss
my body aches

yeah i mean, i know that the people that i keep closest love and care about me, like with the way i act and live life they kind of have to. but i mean, i, a lot of times act out due to the extremity of the emotions that i feel.
like neurotypicals operate on a daily basis between the levels of 4-6 emotionally, i operate on good days between 3-7, but most days it’s between 2-9, so like this morning when my mom woke me up, like not even rude or anything, the reaction i gave was 2x more intense than what a neurotypical would have, which meant screaming “what” at her over and over, and then she was like appalled at my reaction and just stared at me, so i got even more upset because i read that as a very judgemental thing to do, when in reality she was probably just trying to figure out how to proceed without getting more of a rise out of me, but my brain read it as she was sitting there staring at me in disgust, so i started crying and storming outside to get away from everyones eyes. and those reactions and emotional rollercoasters happen on the daily with them and they don’t understand at all what is going on. and it wasn’t until a year ago that i had a diagnosis even, so my growing up was extremely ******* difficult for my siblings and parents.

it’s falling, it’s falling.. everything is falling all of a sudden.

but why is it falling?

because i am alone. because i am not being currently distracted from anything.

ahh, there you go again misplacing your emptiness for loneliness. why do you do that?

well-

because you can’t stand to be around yourself for longer than five seconds in a clear head.

i mean-

i did not miss your rude interruptions.. so you fill me up with anything you can find in the moment; smoke, drugs, men, food that i’m not hungry for, or perhaps i’m in dire need of and you neglect me.
now, it seeeems like you’re trying to get rid of me.

no offense but you cause all of the pain i feel. like is it really my fault when you decide to start aching deeeep inside that i eliminate it through punishment? you hurt people and you get hurt back, besides you wear the shades of blue and purple rather well.

hold up, you think i am the one causing that ache? i’ve lain dormant for years, constantly kicked in the face each time i try to get up. you suffocate me, you deprive me, you do not honor me as you should. you lay me down time and time again to feed your sick habits. it would be like YOU to throw your nastiness on someone else, though. reminds me of someone in particular we know-

don’t. you. dare.

go look at me and tell me i’m wrong?
you can’t.

my chest tickles
energy is an odd feeling after many months of emptiness
i sang to the birds today because i woke up and did the dishes
no i didn’t put a bra on but the dishes didn’t mind
my mother tells me i am a good girl, and i am
i smile without her knowing that is the greatest moment of my week

aimless

i need more,
i crave it from my core.
the very essence of my being
spends every waking moment screaming
lost in a world so uncaring
where everyone just stands, staring
as i roam aimlessly.  
with no where to go, i painfully
shoot the pills back with liquor,
sit and wait, suddenly feeling sicker
breaths fading, heartbeats passing softer
living each day just to **** the monster

the two of them
attached at the hip;
inseparable.
how strange to be
such opposites,
yet forced to live in the
same prison.

one was an insomniac, while the other slept 16 hours a day.

one was confident and able, nothing could bring her down.
the other faulted inside herself, with arms stretched above her, begging for a way up.

one was flowing thoughts and new ideas, with an unconscionable amount of energy.
the other thought obsessively, always in the negative, lacking the ability to even speak most days.

one was a stomach full of butterflies, terrified at the thought of dying.
the other spent her days, chest aching and empty, begging for each one to be her last.

so tell me, how do astronomical
glow
and insufferable
darkness
coincide accordantly?

they simply don’t

with each constantly afflicting the other,
the small prison in which they inhabit
is collapsing
falling into itself
soon to dissipate
until nevermore

i didn’t ******* ask
for this. my illness
was not sought after,
it was not hand
picked perfectly by
me. i never wanted
the title of

                                                   “mentally ill”,

the never ending
sleepless nights, the
inability to talk
about how i feel, or
the shame that
surrounds it. being
sick the way i am is
no cry for help or
some facade to get
attention. i do not
behave the way i do
so that

                                                people pity me.

i do not starve
myself for your
attention or concern,
but because every
time i catch a
glimpse of myself
in the mirror it is
more than enough
to make me sick
with disgust. i
do not slice my
skin open for your
comments about
how childish      

                                                                ­  i am..

i tear myself apart at
the seams to repress
the excruciating pain
of my broken soul’s
raging fire inside my
chest. i do not go thru
thirteen jobs in the
span of a year because
i enjoy instability and
struggling, but because
there are days my mind
is convinced my bones
would surely shatter
at an attempt to stand.
i do not purposely lose
touch with reality,

                                                 forgetting even

what day of the week
it is. my god i would
give my life to be able
to achieve one single
goal... i would give

                                                               my life

to actually have aspirations.

                                    ~

i didn’t choose to be
this way. i have never
once been thankful for
anything

                                                       this disease

has had to offer. so
before you tell me to
try harder, or get over
myself; before you
think those nasty,
hateful thoughts about

                                                           who i am

please remember...
everyday that i
wake up is a
miracle. i am

                                                     a prisoner to

this unrelenting
melancholia that
consumes my entire
being;spirit, body,
and mind; lacking
any control over
myself. and lastly,
i am already

                                                  so unforgiving

and

                                                      brutally evil

to myself about
who i am as a
person that you
shouldn’t even
bother allowing the
negative thoughts
into your mind.