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Jun 2018 · 605
physically afraid
jai Jun 2018
aside from shame, i think fear is the worst feeling there is
it’s one of the ones that physically affects you
it causes intense pounding in the chest, but not from your heart beating
no it more like someone banging on the inside your chest cavity as if it’s filling up with water and they’re drowning
it makes you weak at the knees, and fingertips
your whole body is jumbled with muscle jerks and trembles
and my gosh
your mind
imagine being stabbed in the skull in eight different spots all at once
over and over and over
and you go mute
unable to express any of this outwardly
you just look odd
but your body is in flight or fight mode
and you’re just choosing to sit
and that’s what you do
you sit in it
let it eat you up in every way
terrified out of your ******* mind
i have severe abandonment issues
my boyfriend took my car this night, and had gotten lost with no way to contact me
every other possible scenario had run thru my mind during the 5 hours he was lost
Jun 2018 · 629
stomach aches
jai Jun 2018
i hate the way my stomach feels when it’s literally caving into itself, you know? like when you got suppppper close to your first kiss at church camp the year before your grandma died? and then it felt the same way the year she did die and you let that 22 year old feel you up on your first kiss even though you were only 12. sort of like the time you had your first true heart break, you know when he showed you what it was like to not be taken advantage of, and then time that he did take advantage of you? or the time he cheated? or how the night your soul broke because of it and your mom and sisters literally held you down and wept the whole time, begging you to not do this to yourself. you know the build up and drop you get doing a new drug for the first time, and then the 1000th?

yeah it honestly makes me sick, and it’s not just my stomach that’s affected.
we all have those things
those things that just take us back and remind us of a time we would much rather not be reminded of
Jun 2018 · 453
where did she go?
jai Jun 2018
today i woke up and felt somehow smaller
smaller in the sense that the warmth from the flame inside my belly has gone lukewarm
smaller like my voice, just yesterday, was booming and running at a million miles an hour, and today i’ve cleared my throat 32 times so far because it keeps coming out as a whisper and getting stuck behind my teeth
i mean smaller because food is nonexistent today, only lithium touches my tongue
the only thing that hasn’t retracted at all are my thoughts
no those have stayed loud and clear and plenty at that

but everything else just seems sort of small
sometimes i shrink inside of myself
this describes that
Jun 2018 · 1.1k
enough of a reason
jai Jun 2018
i waited for you to come back
and you never did
and i know you didn’t do that to hurt me
but my chest is tight and my eyes are wet and i can’t stop these thoughts
thoughts of not being enough of a reason for you to come back up the stairs and hold me
thoughts of being a little girl and waking up and walking thru the house to find no one
you can’t fake that kind of empty
you can’t fake that kind of fear
thoughts of how because of this, i hate myself
i hate myself for allowing this meaningless act to make or break my entire day
i hate myself for letting irrational fears of the little girl inside me dictate my self worth
i hate that now that you’re back my butterflies have been replaced with razor blades
i hate that now i can’t look you in your eyes because i’m scared that perhaps maybe my thoughts are right, and your eyes will confirm it
and in all honesty i’d rather look at the ground and i hate myself, than to ever meet your eyes and have them hate me
i woke up to an empty bed and my boyfriend gone
i was so triggered
Jun 2018 · 365
conversations thru glances
jai Jun 2018
my first thought when i look at you
is
oh my gosh, he’s so beautiful
my first thought when you look at me
is
oh my gosh, he doesn’t get to experience that same thought

and instantly i’m filled with both guilt and pure sympathy
because how dare i not be enough for him
and
how dare he not be able to have someone that is enough for him



(looking in her eyes)
he gazed upon the inner galaxy, that sets within her. wdym

What does he do? does he kiss her? tell her she’s beautiful?
by then she says “I love you” and you say it too.
Words, Actions, Art, or Poetry..
can’t express the feelings given, and the feelings received.
she’s the world, the beginning of the family tree in which you’ll protect and care for.

just like how you cared for her in the very beginning...yet again,
your mind has thoughts like these constantly, all because of a simple glance in her eyes.
the galaxy that makes you who you are, but most importantly what you want to be.
i wrote the top part of this poem, and then my boyfriend came across it and read it one day and wrote the bottom half as a response
Jun 2018 · 263
don’t give in though
jai Jun 2018
you can’t tell me that i don’t hate myself
when i’m upset and the only image in my mind is that of hurting myself
when the constant thought running through my head is me dragging a razor blade over every surface of my body
i feel as though peace will come once i’m covered in a thick dark sticky layer of red
i get intense flashes of self hate
for no reason
anything triggers it honestly
Jun 2018 · 276
deflation
jai Jun 2018
the joy that had risen in me is abruptly deflated
the rise of emotion had my body electrified for hours, and still my bones feel as though they are shaking, buzzing, reverberating with the left over ghosts that represent my happy
and it hurts

i’m so good at preparing for the worst
it could be years away, and i’ll get a hint of defeat, and ill be ****** if i wait for my demise
no, i’ll make it known the second it crosses my ****** up mind
i hate when i have these moments.
it’s probably the feeling the makes me want to die the most
not necessarily just the lonely
but the lonely inside of the happy
jai Jun 2018
shattered starlight is seeping from the holes i made

it is a sure sign of my defeat

im here with a blank face unable to process the hurricane of emotions wrecking my insides

not a single thought is one i’m able to capture

so here i lay

in a puddle of pulverized universes

dimming ever so slowly
i wrote this at 4:22am, the morning after i put a needle in my arm.
i ******* hate coming down
Jun 2018 · 337
tonight.. tonight..
jai Jun 2018
what the **** am i supposed to do
i feel so empty
the thought of trying to pick up the pieces i’ve scattered around me makes me sick
my stomach aches with self hatred and guilt
and not anything that i can think of can make it go away
in all honesty i would be better off killing myself.
that sounds like a better option than getting high
or getting help
or getting ******
than any of it.
maybe tonight that’s what i’m supposed to do.

end it all.
i wrote this the night i shot up **** for the first time
Jun 2018 · 314
my hands
jai Jun 2018
my hands look thinner
i guess you could say i’ve been working out
working out how many days i can go without
without nurturing myself properly

i just hate eating, and i just love looking great.
i won’t lie, on top of everything else, i also suffer from an eating disorder i’ve developed over the last few years. the drugs of course don’t help, but ultimately it’s my choice to live like this.
i’ve lost 100 pounds in a year.
Jun 2018 · 349
home
jai Jun 2018
i just want to go home

but home has only ever been a feeling

a feeling of longing

a longing to go home.
i’ve always felt as though i was out of place in this world
Jun 2018 · 280
gun snug
jai Jun 2018
i feel like you put a gun in my hand
you put a gun snug against the side of my head
pulled the hammer back
and then grabbed my hand and wrapped it around the grip
and walked away...
i feel like if i come back
i’m gonna be locked in the closet with the gun again and i just can’t..
the repercussion of me trying to write down feelings about going home after relapsing
Jun 2018 · 276
why why why why why
jai Jun 2018
i just REALLLLLLY need to know
why the ****
me
feels the need to totally encompass
my
with nothing but horrible negative thoughts and memories

GET THE **** OUT
me and my are the voices that in habit my brain
Jun 2018 · 251
brain pacing
jai Jun 2018
i wish i could decipher even a small portion of what is running through my head
each thought that runs thru my mind is in and out so fast i’m not even able to see the image
every ******* scenario of my life for the 50 years is coming and going

every possibility
sometimes things get fast and they get loud and they get extensive and they get intense
all at once
jai Jun 2018
we all have our good days and our bad days, it’s just so important to stay positive and always try and remember that we would never know what light is if we were never exposed to darkness. you literally cannot have good without bad, the ying inside of the yang.

so with that being said, own your sadness!! revel in it and soak it up and feel it as much as you have to that way you can be so much more thankful when the light does come.
my aunt texted me the morning after i relapsed, while i was still tweaking, and told me she was sad. this was my response to her, and i’ve looked back on it a lot since i wrote it, especially during detox.
Jun 2018 · 361
fucking relapse
jai Jun 2018
anticipation building, it’s like the drugs aren’t even here yet and i can ******* smell them
yes i’m manic, and no i’m not making the best choices but he’s cutting up the lines and he looks so hot while doing it

the last thing i need is something up my nose, but sure enough the straw is hand and i’m walking over to the dresser now

my dear **** i forgot how bad it hurts
not sure if it’s blood or snot running from my right nostril, but my eye has begun to pour

it’s crazy how quick the pain passes and how fast the tweak comes
i haven’t stopped painting for 10 hours
i was approximately 2 months clean from all drugs except ****, after spending the previous two months doing ****** everyday, when i made the decision to put **** up my nose. not only that but it was also the day i was supposed to start my new medication, which was a result from getting clean in the first place. i also didn’t research the effects of the interaction between lithium and ****... needless to say i wound up in the hospital almost dying from serotonin syndrome.. and then a few days later put a needle in my arm for the first time, ever.
Jun 2018 · 260
morning skys
jai Jun 2018
morning skys

here i sit
cigarette in hand
best friend across from me
and my brain going a million miles an hour

she’s great, my friend
she always listens, and not the kind of listen that most people would lend you
but the kind that lets you know she’s really in it
she retains and recalls details

see this is so important to me because I ALSO do that
not to mention the very hint of someone not fully engaging with me sends razor blades down my spine
it causes some secret trap door in my stomach to swing open full force and empty the tiny bit of courage i had to speak in the first place

but she’s so good at making me feel heard
she truly cares about the opinions i have to offer, however many billions of them there may be
and she gets interested in my ideas so much that we began to create them together
and did i mention that this chick realllllly digs with whatever i have to say, regardless of how fast my words may be spilling, or the frequent pauses to hit the blunt

i once told her that our friendship may not last due to my borderline personality disorder, but she was always going to be a soulmate of mine due to our spiritual connection
and she spent the next two weeks researching the illness
no one has ever shown so much care for me
so much interest
such understanding

i’m laying down now
my cigarette is done
my best friend is still here
and that’s all i could ever ask for
i do love my best friend. she has held it down regardless of the **** i throw at her. she is one of the realest and i have never gotten anything but positive vibes from her.
jai Jun 2018
i looked at him and thought to myself of all the dumb dumb people who had let him slip from their grip.. people who had let him down, hurt him, abandoned him, never offered a shoulder for him to cry on, or an ear to listen to his story.. i shook my head at disbelief that anyone could be so stupid.. and smiled at how truly lucky i was to have gotten him.
& i am so lucky.
jai Jun 2018
he said i knew **** well what the look in the car meant
& i knew **** well i did
because when he looked at me i felt it
& you can’t ignore that
somehow, i’ve become aquatinted with my soulmate. he can read my mind, as can i with him. i feel his light radiating off of him daily, and it only causes mine to grow brighter.
Jun 2018 · 406
exploding
jai Jun 2018
i want to crawl into a hole and die. my face burns and runs wet with the emotions you’ve caused to rise in me. i didn’t ask for this, i didn’t ask for you. see when i’m alone i am concerned with only fixing that issue, not reveling in the solitude. but when i’m next to you everyday, my mind only drifts to a place far far away from here.
i wrote this when my boyfriend had his own **** going on and had to cut me out for a few days. this is what i wrote, but in all real ness i just wanted him. my brain often flops between two extremes when i’m in this state.
Jun 2018 · 258
false interpretations
jai Jun 2018
why is my brain unable to feel any type of affection as pure?
as true?
why must everyone else be using me?
regardless of who you are, some part of me honestly and truthfully does not trust you. and she is neither right nor wrong.
Jun 2018 · 274
absence of life
jai Jun 2018
silence is all i’ve ever hoped for
the constant blaring drumming of my heart keeps my mind racing with each pitter patter it lets out
my brain buzzes with activities from
the moment it comes to each day
my stomach screams and falls into itself over and over and over with each rise and fall of excitement and loss
my body aches
sometimes things get to be a little too much. i always found it odd that my feelings caused such physical symptoms. when i say i’m tired and hurting i do not just mean mentally, it’s physically exhausting and i actually get sore from these feelings.
Jun 2018 · 249
a message to my best friend
jai Jun 2018
yeah i mean, i know that the people that i keep closest love and care about me, like with the way i act and live life they kind of have to. but i mean, i, a lot of times act out due to the extremity of the emotions that i feel.
like neurotypicals operate on a daily basis between the levels of 4-6 emotionally, i operate on good days between 3-7, but most days it’s between 2-9, so like this morning when my mom woke me up, like not even rude or anything, the reaction i gave was 2x more intense than what a neurotypical would have, which meant screaming “what” at her over and over, and then she was like appalled at my reaction and just stared at me, so i got even more upset because i read that as a very judgemental thing to do, when in reality she was probably just trying to figure out how to proceed without getting more of a rise out of me, but my brain read it as she was sitting there staring at me in disgust, so i started crying and storming outside to get away from everyones eyes. and those reactions and emotional rollercoasters happen on the daily with them and they don’t understand at all what is going on. and it wasn’t until a year ago that i had a diagnosis even, so my growing up was extremely ******* difficult for my siblings and parents.
this was written the same morning as “mornings”. it was a text to a friend of mine trying to explain like exactly what’s wrong with me, i guess?
Jun 2018 · 303
mornings
jai Jun 2018
some mornings i wake up, and getting out of bed that day takes normal effort.
other mornings i’m unable to keep my eyes closed because my brain spent all night coming up with new ideas, so the second the sun hits my face, my feet are on the ground running.
the mornings where sleep was my friend the night before are the hardest, though. when sleep fogs my brain, eight hours is a fraction of the amount of time it is willing to accept, and those morning are spent fading in and out from sudden noise, and rude awakening attempts, and the moment i decide to give up on sleep, is the moment i give up on the day in its entirety.
i was crying on the back porch when i wrote this, after being woken up for the 4th time that morning by my mother. i’m sure she didn’t understand that prior to that night, i hadn’t slept in almost 4 days... my mania was not her fault, yet i put all the blame on her that morning.
jai Jun 2018
it’s falling, it’s falling.. everything is falling all of a sudden.

but why is it falling?

because i am alone. because i am not being currently distracted from anything.

ahh, there you go again misplacing your emptiness for loneliness. why do you do that?

well-

because you can’t stand to be around yourself for longer than five seconds in a clear head.

i mean-

i did not miss your rude interruptions.. so you fill me up with anything you can find in the moment; smoke, drugs, men, food that i’m not hungry for, or perhaps i’m in dire need of and you neglect me.
now, it seeeems like you’re trying to get rid of me.

no offense but you cause all of the pain i feel. like is it really my fault when you decide to start aching deeeep inside that i eliminate it through punishment? you hurt people and you get hurt back, besides you wear the shades of blue and purple rather well.

hold up, you think i am the one causing that ache? i’ve lain dormant for years, constantly kicked in the face each time i try to get up. you suffocate me, you deprive me, you do not honor me as you should. you lay me down time and time again to feed your sick habits. it would be like YOU to throw your nastiness on someone else, though. reminds me of someone in particular we know-

don’t. you. dare.

go look at me and tell me i’m wrong?
you can’t.
i was in a depressive state, sitting alone in a dark room, having this very talk inside my head.
Jun 2018 · 390
shattered diamonds
jai Jun 2018
how many times have i given myself to another being just to keep them around? how many times have i pleased another person just to feel justified for having them be apart of my life. how much of myself is left, i’m dying to know, because with each body that carried me home each night, carried a piece of me when they left the next morning, i am no longer whole. with the emptiness i displace with loneliness, i fill myself up with small gestures, and tiny love stories. with deep breaths, and low moans. the diamond mine between my legs is desolate. hasn’t seen the sparkle of a jewel in years, instead it’s lain dormant. sleeping, yet filled with ghosts, each a name. each a baseball. each falling from my loose glove jaw.
the poem says it all.
Jun 2018 · 282
empty lungs: a love story
jai Jun 2018
it’s 4:04am and i am laying on a bed of ashes
half burnt cigarettes have formed a sort of nest around me and i’m holding my breath so that the blanket i’ve surrounded myself with has no chance of blowing away
perhaps i should have used the same technique for you, held my breath until a nice shade of purple set in
pressed my lips both shut, and around you
held in each thought i let go so freely in your presence and let it suffocate me like the rest of them

but you felt so different

all it took was a smile and somehow the air in my lungs executed a perfect evacuation plan immediately
easily maneuvering past my panicked attempts to keep it in
grey was my new favorite color ever since you showed up
you splatter painted me in it, each flick of your paintbrush colored a piece of me and she reveled in it
soaked it up and began to bleed drops of rainy days
the grey area has never been a comfortable place for me. black& white suit me much better. sitting atop the wall, simply teeter towering between up and down... but he made the view from the wall worth it.. and now he’s gone.
jai May 2018
my chest tickles
energy is an odd feeling after many months of emptiness
i sang to the birds today because i woke up and did the dishes
no i didn’t put a bra on but the dishes didn’t mind
my mother tells me i am a good girl, and i am
i smile without her knowing that is the greatest moment of my week
borderline personality disorder has its good days, when feelings don’t feel like the empire state building crushing you or rather feeling as though your soul blends blandly into the most darkest and isolated parts of our universe.
Mar 2018 · 227
aimless
jai Mar 2018
aimless

i need more,
i crave it from my core.
the very essence of my being
spends every waking moment screaming
lost in a world so uncaring
where everyone just stands, staring
as i roam aimlessly.  
with no where to go, i painfully
shoot the pills back with liquor,
sit and wait, suddenly feeling sicker
breaths fading, heartbeats passing softer
living each day just to **** the monster
There truly is so point in living a bipolar life. it is aimless. constantly switching between way too happy, to succumbed with ever endless tears. you are never able to fully dedicate yourself to any one thing. and that’s pointless. how can you live without some sort of devotion or passion? it’s a lost life.
Mar 2018 · 217
daydreamt
jai Mar 2018
heaven is not far
as i lay there,
beside you

its the breathing in and out
in and out
with slow moving chests

inducing a trance like no other
i get lost in the rising and falling,
and the mangled web of my mind

the birds are chirping now,
since when did i
prefer my reality over dreams?

it is only a matter of time
before your sweet sleepy sighs
turn into wakeful yawns

once again my days have run together,
due to nights spent awake
dreaming of you
Mar 2018 · 412
conflicted contradiction
jai Mar 2018
the two of them
attached at the hip;
inseparable.
how strange to be
such opposites,
yet forced to live in the
same prison.

one was an insomniac, while the other slept 16 hours a day.

one was confident and able, nothing could bring her down.
the other faulted inside herself, with arms stretched above her, begging for a way up.

one was flowing thoughts and new ideas, with an unconscionable amount of energy.
the other thought obsessively, always in the negative, lacking the ability to even speak most days.

one was a stomach full of butterflies, terrified at the thought of dying.
the other spent her days, chest aching and empty, begging for each one to be her last.

so tell me, how do astronomical
glow
and insufferable
darkness
coincide accordantly?

they simply don’t

with each constantly afflicting the other,
the small prison in which they inhabit
is collapsing
falling into itself
soon to dissipate
until nevermore
Internal observations. What day to day life is like for myself and I.
jai Mar 2018
i didn’t ******* ask
for this. my illness
was not sought after,
it was not hand
picked perfectly by
me. i never wanted
the title of

                                                   “mentally ill”,

the never ending
sleepless nights, the
inability to talk
about how i feel, or
the shame that
surrounds it. being
sick the way i am is
no cry for help or
some facade to get
attention. i do not
behave the way i do
so that

                                                people pity me.

i do not starve
myself for your
attention or concern,
but because every
time i catch a
glimpse of myself
in the mirror it is
more than enough
to make me sick
with disgust. i
do not slice my
skin open for your
comments about
how childish      

                                                                ­  i am..

i tear myself apart at
the seams to repress
the excruciating pain
of my broken soul’s
raging fire inside my
chest. i do not go thru
thirteen jobs in the
span of a year because
i enjoy instability and
struggling, but because
there are days my mind
is convinced my bones
would surely shatter
at an attempt to stand.
i do not purposely lose
touch with reality,

                                                 forgetting even

what day of the week
it is. my god i would
give my life to be able
to achieve one single
goal... i would give

                                                               my life

to actually have aspirations.

                                    ~

i didn’t choose to be
this way. i have never
once been thankful for
anything

                                                       this disease

has had to offer. so
before you tell me to
try harder, or get over
myself; before you
think those nasty,
hateful thoughts about

                                                           who i am

please remember...
everyday that i
wake up is a
miracle. i am

                                                     a prisoner to

this unrelenting
melancholia that
consumes my entire
being;spirit, body,
and mind; lacking
any control over
myself. and lastly,
i am already

                                                  so unforgiving

and

                                                      brutally evil

to myself about
who i am as a
person that you
shouldn’t even
bother allowing the
negative thoughts
into your mind.
This poem was written during a fit of delirium. I was so ****** at my older sister. I mean she isn’t wrong about the severity of my current conditions, I can fully see and accept that. What she is wrong about is the ability to “ just do better,” and “try harder”. I do not believe it is at all possible to describe this state of imprisonment. This life we spend locked away in tiny cells buried in the emptiest parts of us with bloodied throats  from swallowing keys. Because after all, we are prisoners to ourselves.

— The End —