i didn’t ******* ask
for this. my illness
was not sought after,
it was not hand
picked perfectly by
me. i never wanted
the title of

                                                   “mentally ill”,

the never ending
sleepless nights, the
inability to talk
about how i feel, or
the shame that
surrounds it. being
sick the way i am is
no cry for help or
some facade to get
attention. i do not
behave the way i do
so that

                                                people pity me.

i do not starve
myself for your
attention or concern,
but because every
time i catch a
glimpse of myself
in the mirror it is
more than enough
to make me sick
with disgust. i
do not slice my
skin open for your
comments about
how childish      

                                                                ­  i am..

i tear myself apart at
the seams to repress
the excruciating pain
of my broken soul’s
raging fire inside my
chest. i do not go thru
thirteen jobs in the
span of a year because
i enjoy instability and
struggling, but because
there are days my mind
is convinced my bones
would surely shatter
at an attempt to stand.
i do not purposely lose
touch with reality,

                                                 forgetting even

what day of the week
it is. my god i would
give my life to be able
to achieve one single
goal... i would give

                                                               my life

to actually have aspirations.

                                    ~

i didn’t choose to be
this way. i have never
once been thankful for
anything

                                                       this disease

has had to offer. so
before you tell me to
try harder, or get over
myself; before you
think those nasty,
hateful thoughts about

                                                           who i am

please remember...
everyday that i
wake up is a
miracle. i am

                                                     a prisoner to

this unrelenting
melancholia that
consumes my entire
being;spirit, body,
and mind; lacking
any control over
myself. and lastly,
i am already

                                                  so unforgiving

and

                                                      brutally evil

to myself about
who i am as a
person that you
shouldn’t even
bother allowing the
negative thoughts
into your mind.