i realize why all the ones before me
were addicted to the one i love
because her lips are like ******
and shes everything you could ever desire
she can be shy but
you never knew she was flirting unless you wanted her to
she can be inexperienced
but know how to do everything right
she doesn't know how to dance
but does it quite well in eyes of lust
shes like a drug
one touch and your addicted
everything about her is addictive
her eyes
her lips
her chest
her hips
her

flowers have always been considered a cheezy romantic thing
but why can't it just be a normal thing
maybe it's the little girl in me that adores flowers but i do
i want flowers everywhere
if i could have flowers in several spots surrounding me right now
i would
because flowers are beautiful
they bring light and life into any room
they bring smiles to those being delivered to
they are absolutely stunning and they smell intoxicatingly sweet
i feel like flowers should be more commonly adored
and not by just the people society accepts to adore them
all people, all men women and in between should just have them
because who wouldn't want to be given flowers
platonic flowers, romantic flowers, family flowers, i'm sorry i forgot to buy the milk flowers, you made me laugh last night flowers, or i think my favorite
you make me happy flowers
the best kind
but if i'm being honest all flowers are good flowers
buy somebody you love flowers if you can
anybody because flowers are not only for partners
it's for people and to show that they make you happy

i sometimes wish that i could draw
and sing the music of the world
but then i take a step back to see
all the amazing things with me
i have a long family
and fantastic friends all over the world
i have amazing passions
for music and literature
i have a loud voice that stands for what i believe in
and a whisper that helps people when they've fallen
i have self-acceptance and body-confidence for days
along with a list of mental health issues that i'm okay with
i do sometimes wish that i were capable of more
but sometimes the few steps back
help me realize all the amazing things i already have and am
and i become content with everything that i've been given

i wish i had a photo with you
but theirs an ocean that separates us
with miles of land to go with it
and although it hurts me deeply
i always know that one day
there will be photos of you and i
and along will be bountiful cups of joy
filled to the brim with memories
it may take expensive plane tickets,
months of preparation,
and many tearful nights
but it will all be worth it
because one day you wont be an ocean away,
you will be 3 ft. away
and we will be calling each other spoons
and there will be a photo
of you and i smiling

i wish i had a photo with you
but theirs an ocean that separates us
with miles of land to go with it
and although it hurts me deeply
i always know that one day
there will be photos of you and i
and along will be bountiful cups of joy
filled to the brim with memories
it may take expensive plane tickets,
months of preparation,
and many tearful nights
but it will all be worth it
because one day you wont be an ocean away,
you will be 3 ft. away
and we will be calling each other spoons
and there will be a photo
of you and i smiling

its so strange to think how different things are from 2 years ago
i know to some that may seem like forever ago
but in the grand scheme of things it really isn't
in my perspective i seem much farther away than it is
on the single fact of things are far different than they used to be
i spoke to people who were absolutely terrible to me
who have treated me like gum stuck to the bottom of their shoe
i was in quite possibly one of the darkest parts of my life so far
i was in such a terribly dark mindset and i didn't think i would ever get out of it
i was also not open with what was going on in my head at all
and then theres the giant thing of i was dating boys

all my old "besties" compared to my best friend now
what was i doing? is the first thing i'm asking myself
they all treated me terribly
i notice through all of them is that they were all about themselves
and they were too loud compared to my personality
everything was about them and i was always the sidekick
my best friend now
we are on an even playing field and are able to be open with each other
we are also able to have the friendship not revolving around one of us specifically

my mental health
it's not that different compared to now in all reality
it's just easier to manage considering i'm more open and know how to manage
being able to be open has been a savior to me
i've been in equally as dark of headspaces since then
i'm just able to manage everything a lot better than i used to

i was dating boys
i wasn't being myself in any shape or form
since then i've come out as a lesbian
i'm much happier within myself and i'm more comfortable with myself as well
its nothing against the boys i dated
i'm just not attracted to males

im much happier with myself and my life at this point in time
i am grateful to have an amazing support system
and so many things that others don't
i am so immensely thankful for everything in my life now
i have made such strides in accepting myself and ridding negative energy
and i always think its helpful to look back on a point in time
and be reminded of how things have changed and how they benefit me
and to also remind me of how thankful i need to be

i haven't been able to write as much since you came back in my life
what little i have written, it's been about you
i think the reason why is due to the fact
that the only art i care about anymore is sitting right in front of me
nothing i create or think up, even on a really good day
could ever be as breathtaking as you
i'm trying to figure out what i can do because your all i seem to think about
and i don't even want to try writing about you
because then i will be going on for centuries
and never be done talking about how wonderful you are
don't even get me started on how i feel about you
that would be an endless cycle of me stating how in love with you i am
i'm trying to figure out what to do
because i'm always thinking about you and craving your attention
and i don't know how to express how spectacular you are
or how sincere i'm being when i tell you i adore you
i know none of my writing for you will ever me a masterpiece
but hopefully one of these days, you will see how i love you so

beautiful girl, why are you dating that ******* of a boy?
he's nothing but terrible to you
with his emotions toward you changing constantly
and the overwhelming jealousy for anybody around you
beautiful girl i say this out of kindness and because we're friends
i care about you and that is why i tell you that you deserve better
beautiful girl, everybody knows your not into him anymore
he's threatened to leave you multiple times so why don't you just leave him
and go after the girl you've been eyeing for weeks
nobody is going to judge you
beautiful girl, you deserve the world
and he isn't giving you the world
go after what the world is to you and don't look back
beautiful girl, leave the ******* holding you back

I believe that the most beautiful things are hidden
And I don't mean that they are in plain sight and you're just overlooking them
I mean the gorgeous girl in the store who doesn't know how pretty she is
I mean the boy with the amazing eyes reading in the back of a book shop
I mean the best friends walking down the street holding hands and smiling
I mean the sisters going on their first date and coming home and telling every detail
I am talking about the beauty that doesn't know it's beautiful
The beautiful that we see everyday but we don't identify as beautiful
I think that's why I love this quote so very dearly
'i like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it'
Because i take it as everything is beautiful
But sometimes we don't see it as beautiful
I believe that everything that contains beauty is hidden
And beauty is everywhere

Sometimes you just have to believe in what you believe
No one else can make you believe any differently
It is all up to you
You get to believe in whatever god(s) or no god at all
You get to believe in finding true love one day
You get to believe in having a good life
You get to believe feminism if you wish
You get to believe in anything you want
If you can believe in it
No one else can make you feel any differently
Because it is all up to you
No one can change you
Or how you think
People try to force their beliefs onto everyone else
But the thing is everyone believes differently
Some people believe in some things and not in others
But all you need to know
Is that you can believe anything
It's all up to you
And no one can make you think any differently
You're unique
Everything about you is unique
And that makes you special

The devil would know your name better than I would
He learned it on the night you betrayed me
You ignored my screams of no
You ignored the tears streaming down my face
You betrayed me the day you hurt me
That was the same day he learned your name too
He knows what you did
And he's gonna punish you for it
He saw you offer me a drink and slip somethin' in it
Then drag me up the stairs to the bedroom on the right
At that moment he wrote your name on the list
Now he's waiting for you
Because he knows what you did to me that night
In the darkness you hurt me
And now I am forever scarred
Now he's waiting
To punish you for the deed you did
On the night you betrayed me

i love books, i love them with my whole heart
i have always been a book nerd and had my nose stuck in a book
i've been like that my entire life
and no part of me is upset about it
books are one of the largest parts of my life
i read an insane about of books
and with the amount of books i read i've learned what my favorite kinds of books are
and the only way to describe them is that they are all consuming
the worlds gobble me up and swallow me whole
i'm not me, i am whatever this character is and i'm in this new world
i'm on dangerous adventures or i'm head over heels or i'm learning lessons
they consume me and i don't return until the story is completely
i always return different and with new parts of me discovered
that's what i love most about them
they change me and they absorb me just as much as i absorb them
books are the only true escape i can acquire
and i am always willing to succumb to the stories they tell

I sometimes wish I could buy happiness
Because sometimes I don't really have any
I wish I could go to the grocery store
And grab my milk, eggs, & happiness
But I can't
So I lay here cowering with the overbearing feelings of sadness and anxiety
And confusion laced in all of it
Because I have nothing to be sad about
Yet I am
Because I have nothing to be stressed about
Yet I am
I wish I could buy happiness
For moments like these
When I feel like I've lost myself
For moments like these
When I feel like I'll be stuck like this forever

why do i keep falling for the girls hours upon hours away?
is it for the sensation upon falling for the impossible
or is it purely because i just enjoy their existence
or possibly it could be both
i enjoy their existence but it feels impossible
because if i am friends with them and i tell them it could go two ways
it could bloom into a wondrous relationship
or it destroy the flower of friendship

so am i to enjoy the flower i have bloomed?
or risk plucking out the petals for a chance at love

decisions like these seem so daunting and terrifying
and the answers are never revealed
so unknown garden seeming thoughts will forever haunt my mind
or possibly turn into action with known results
if only flowers couldn't be broken
and purely bloomed and thrived

When you're close to someone with anxiety
You being to notice and think about so many things
You notice when they grab your shirt and stand closer
You notice that their eyes are trying to focus on something constant
You notice that the coffee shop is not as busy as the food court
You notice that they're clinging onto their swear when it gets loud
You think about if they'll be okay at the mall on Saturday
You think that they should on Sunday instead because it's not as busy
You think about their date this weekend and if they'll be okay
Because their date doesn't know and can't precaution
When you're close to someone with anxiety
You do things to prevent stress and anxiety attacks
You tell them where you are gonna be for the next week
Because if they know where you are they can find you if they need you
You order food for them when you're out because they can't
You hold their hand in the grocery store because it's crowded and they're nervous
You don't invite them to busy events because you don't want to cause any of it
When you care about someone with anxiety
You notice the things that cause the stress and anxiousness
You think about how you can prevent the anxiety
You do things to make life easier for them
When you're close to someone with anxiety
You notice things & you think about things & you do things because you care
And if it means doing all of that,day and night, you'll do it

i can openly say that i'm deeply terrified
because i know
deep down
that you are the one i want to spend my forever with
and i've never said that before about anyone
when i think about who i want my kids to call their parents i want it to be us
every night i fall asleep waiting for the day where i can fall asleep next to you
when i say that i want to fall asleep to your laugh for the rest of my life
that's the truest statement i could ever speak to you
i know this is the scariest thing because we are so young
we have so much time and future left in our lives
but i know that i want you by my side for all of it
knowing you want me by yours is the biggest comfort i've ever experienced
here's to our forever ***

Warning* This is not a poem, by any stretch of the means, if you don't want to read a story then skip over this.  If you are against any part of the LGBT+ community, skip over this!! If you would like to read this then keep on reading and thank you very much

       Coming out is terrifying.  Figuring yourself out in the first place is absolutely scary, but then telling everyone what you've figured out is even scarier.  Here is my story.
      My story starts in the 4th grade.  I remember I would be at choir concerts and I would be in the audience watching with my family, and I would be staring at the girls.  Because they had such pretty dresses, and gorgeous makeup, and long flawless hair. And I would pay no attention to the boys, because the boys aren't pretty like the girls are, they aren't pretty at all to me.  Then suddenly I noticed that, and then I remembered all the girls in my class talking about how cute Johnnie is and I sort of connected that I thought Sally was a lot cuter than Johnnie or any other boy in my class was.  
      Then I remember going home and sitting in my room and being determined to figure this out, because this is weird.  I've never heard of a girl liking a girl! That happens?!?! If this is real then why haven't Mom or Dad said anything?  So I sat down in my room and I got a black, blue, and pink marker and a piece of paper.  On one side of the paper I drew a boy in blue and on the other I drew a girl in pink.  In the middle I put the word or.  But I didn't know which side to circle, so I folded up the paper and hid in between my closet door because it was open but you could put stuff in between the doors without anyone seeing it. In a month I found the paper again, and this time I knew which one I was attracted to.  So I grab my black marker and I circle the girl.  
      I don't really remember how much longer after the paper incident that this next event happened, but I know it was 4th-5th grade somewhere in there.  I had my best friend over, I think it was for a sleepover. We're gonna call her Ally. But I remember me and Ally were just hangin out in my room.  I look over at Ally and say 'Hey, Ally I gotta tell you something' and she's waiting for me to respond.  So I say 'I think I like girls.' That's all I say, nothing more.  Ally goes off repeating that it's wrong and that it's not right and that I have to like boys otherwise something is wrong with me, and is just going on and on when I just jump up and say 'JUST KIDDING, it was just a joke calm down'.  Then we just laugh it off and then she makes the comment 'if you did like girls i'd be okay with it, but i wouldn't be as close to you because i'm a girl too'. That really hurt me, which caused me to internalize all of my questioning thoughts and try my hardest to forget about them.
        Now it is middle school, during middle school I dated 3 boys.  We are going to call them Jona, Chris, and Lucas. I dated Jona for 15 months and our "relationship" was more like a friendship with fancier terms.  I'm buddies with Jona now so it's all good.  Chris didn't last long so that doesn't really matter.  Lucas!!!! I dated Lucas for 6 months and during this time I realized that I really was attracted to girls and I couldn't keep hiding it.  I realized this because Lucas was my first kiss and I was not into it AT ALL!!! I just wasn't, I tried i really did.  But I just was never much into the dude thing! Nothing against him at all, he's a really sweet guy and I'm really close friends with him now. But after I had my first kiss, I pretty much was like girls are real pretty and the dudes im just not into that.  So I sorta just slowly stopped talking to Lucas, and I ended breaking up with him.
       But I was scared of being judged for being completely lesbian, so i came out as a pansexual because i thought people would be more accepting.  So I came out to my sister first, I have 2 sisters and i came out to the one that is a year younger than me ,Izzy. Izzy was in the living room one night and i walked out there and i said 'Izzy, you'll love me no matter what, right?' she replied yes and just asked me what was wrong repeatedly.  Then I was like I was thinking and just needed some reminder.  Then she followed me to my room and harassed me for an explanation.  Then I came out and said 'Izzy, im pansexual.'  Then I explained what it was and the first thing she said was '***, NOW I HAVE A GBF!!!'.  I felt so much better after that and i was just so relieved.  After that i came out to my Mom, friends, and my other sister.        
After 3 months, I revealed to my mom that i was still confused because I leaned more towards females and that at that moment i was just using pan as a label but if it changed to not be surprised.
        Around a week after that I gained the courage to come out to my Dad.  I honestly don't know why I was so scared to come out to him, but I was and he was around the last one to learn.  So I walked into my parents room and was just talking to Dad, I had my mom stay in the room just to lessen my anxiety about all of this.  Then I brought up the topic of the LGBT+ community, dad and i talked about it for awhile.  Then i said 'dad, i mentioned gays because i like girls'.  then my dad went on a list of analogies but in the end he was okay with it.  Actually my dad was the most supportive about it right after i told him he was so okay with it and it made me so happy.  Although my dad was upset because i was scared to tell him.  After I came out to him, I pretty much just admitted to being a full blown lesbian, and it was all great and dandy and everyone was happy.
       Then it was time to go back to school, but this year was the year I started high school.  So I was a freshman who had just come out as a lesbian to all my friends and family over summer.  So not many people knew that I was gay.  But then I become friends with this girl, I really liked her.  I was at a friends party and she was invited and after that party I couldn't get her off my mind.  (I know this seems like it's going off track but it will connect soon) I figured out that we have a class together and we started talking.  
        At the party I mentioned the whole being gay thing and she was okay and very aware of it, and one day she went to my locker after school.  She had been doing that a lot and gave me hugs to say bye and stuff but i completely overlooked it because i don't know what flirting is. She was at my locker and i decided to put my big girl pants on and ask if she liked girls.  She responded with i'm pretty much cool with anything (pansexual). Then she asked me to the dance, I obviously said yes and wigged out when she walked away and immediately texted my best friend in florida (Ally).(Oh BTW I came out to her over summer over skype and she's completely chill with it now, we are still best friends and she doesn't mind at all) So we went to the dance and she asked me out.  I said yes, wigged out some more, and then danced some more with my friends while she talked to hers for a few minutes.  Fast forward to the few weeks after the dance.  We had been walking down the halls and hugging so everyone figured it out.
         That's where we are today.  I am still dating the girl, i've met her family and she has very nice parents.  All my friends know that I am lesbian, and they completely accept me.  My family knows, but when I say family I mean my household family.  My grandma and great-aunt know, but besides that no one else does but I don't really need them too so it's all good.  But I am so much happier than I have been in a long time.  Yes, relationships are so frickin stressful especially if it is one with the same *** and you've never had one of them before.  So if you are in your first relationship with a girl, take it slow.  But if anyone is in the mindset of coming out, first make sure that it is safe for you too before you do it.  If it's not safe you can't, be safe about it no matter what.  You'll be able to be open about it one day, but make sure you are in a safe environment.  But if it is, yes coming out is the most stressful time ever! But in the end it is the most rewarding thing, to be able to openly say I'm insert your label(s). It's an amazing feeling, yes you might lose some people on the way but if they won't accept you for the real you then don't even deserve you.  So my final thing it, you are an amazing human, and if you come out you are the strongest being and you have earned my utmost respect. If you haven't, you've earned my utmost respect because it's heart wrenching and I've been there, but you will be able to bloom one day my little flower.

There are ways of coping with depression
Some people go with medicine
Others go with hobbies or distractions
Then there are the few that try things that might help, like candles or food
I go with the hobbies and distractions route
When I get sad, I will write a poem
When I get lonely, I will skype a friend
When I am frozen, I will listen to music
And I know sometimes I should accept the fact I get depressed
And I should go to a therapist and that I will always have this
But I would rather find personal tricks
To help cope with this
Than take medicine to make me happy
Nothing against people who do, thats your own opinion
I personally just want to have my own ways of coping
Whether it be music or friends or books
That works for me
That is my way of coping with depression

Dear Mom,
    Right now I am listening to you read a book to Po and I just realized how much I appreciate you.  And I don't think I tell you enough that I do or that I love you enough.  You give me so much and I am so grateful for that.
     I'm so grateful for everything you have ever given me.  So thank you so much.  Thank you for making different voices when you read.  Thank you for letting me cry about stupid stuff I shouldn't care about.  Thank you for supporting me in everything I do and believe in .  Thank you for being my mom and my best friend.
    I've learned over the past couple of years that not many people are gifted with great people like you in their lives.  And I wish they did because you are an absolutely amazing person.  I wish that everybody had an amazing person they could go to.  And I have been gifted with you in my life.  So thank you.
                                                                                i love you with all my heart,
                                                                                                            H

PS~ i know you may not believe me but you are absolutely gorgeous when you smile:)

S,
     I'm sorry.  I don't think you understand how horrible I feel.  I just don't love you like that.  I feel terrible.  Because your such an amazing person, but we just don't work together.  I like to take things slow where you like to try things out.  I like to sit and have conversations with strangers where you like to sit and read a book.  I like hanging out with my friends on the weekends where you like staying home playing video games. And it *****.  Because I truly, deep down, deeply care about you.  And you're so sweet and you make weird but hilarious comments and you're great to have around.  Which made this so much harder.  Because when I wanted to be friends I truly meant it.  But I know that you're going to avoid me.  It happens every time.
      So I'm Sorry that you lost the opportunity to become friends with me. I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I'll never admit to it but I ask all my friends that talk to you if you're okay.  I'm sorry that you heard me talk for hours about my anime and my current music obsession.  And I'm sorry that I have anxiety and depression and I disconnect sometimes, and i'm sorry that i have to be alone to reconnect.
     You're an amazing and beautiful human being and you deserve so much more than i could ever give you.  Thank you for that Mulan marathon and pans of junk food we made.  Thank you for making me life until I was crying.  Thank you for you, for being your true authentic you.
                                                                                            -H

It's going to be okay
It's okay to be scared
It's okay to be stressed
You will get through this
I understand that this is hard
And this is terrifying
But you will get through this
You are such a strong person
And everything you believe, think, and are is valid
You deserve to be the real and beautiful you
Things are gonna get hard at times
But things will work out in the end
It's going to be okay
You are an amazing person
And I am glad that you have survived every hardship and battle
And I am so grateful to be speaking to someone
Who is strong and true to themselves
So thank you
Everything is going to be okay
As long as you are willing to fight
And get through this long battle
Everything will be okay

When you see my scars
You think that if you say 'i'm sorry'
And help me
And that when I get better
They will disappear
But these scars won't disappear
And I don't want them to
Because they are my sign
That I have lived
That I am a warrior who has been in many battles
That I am a survivor from the devil's hands
They are my reminder
That I can go through hell and come back alive
So these scars may fade
But they will never disappear
And nor will I

I dont know why this hurt so bad
We weren't even connected in any way
I was just her friend
And i was just a little in love with you
But you would never know
I never told you or dropped any form of hint
There was no inkling of feelings from you
So I dont understand why my heart shattered when she told me
That you and him were together
I never wouldve considered him as your type
But I guess I really was just her friend
I never knew you nor did i really get the chance
and its just causing confusion from my end

Am i just jealous?
Am i just hurt?
I don't even know
All i know is that i wish that it was me making you happy and not him
I know that I dread the possibility of him coming in May
I know that I still have feelings for you
And that this really ******* hurts

He hid himself from the world
He would use women in the shadows of the moon
And then vanish at daylight
He did so, because he was scared
Of becoming attached
Of becoming bonded with a woman
And then he did
Maybe it had been accidental
But he had opened up to her
And now they're married and have kids
But he still is terrified
Because if he ever lost her
His world would tumble around him
And the ashes in the sky would remind him of his loss
Now everyday he lives in the emotions of joy and fear
Joyful for his wonderful life
And fearful of losing his one true love

darling please don't ever be afraid to feel
because feeling is beautiful
feeling is one of the most human things we could do
so, it's okay
it's okay to feel hurt, sadness, anger, happiness, loneliness, fear...feel everything
all I ask is that you don't sit there with the negative feelings
sit on the joy and happiness and let it fill you up and spill from your pores and gather at everything you touch
that is absolutely beautiful
and darling don't let the negative emotions sit with you
they can come and visit and be the rare guest, that's okay
to feel that is to be human
but to let it move in and be permanently attached is not something i suggest
because it won't spill out of your pores, it will consume
the hatred and hurt and anger, will just take everything from you
there are so many people in this world who have let the negativity consume them and they have become lost inside it
please be the rare butterfly that spills good
the world needs more people like that, darling
please always strive to be the good

when i hear the word home
i dont think of a brick house
or the furniture that lie inside
i think of my sisters and my mom
i think of my cat waiting behind the door
i think of poem book in my purse
i think of my best friend
i think of my young renegade jacket
i think of my collection of concert tickets
when i think of home
i think of the people and things that make me happiest
i think of the things that connect to my favorite memories
i connect home to comfort and happiness
i dont connect it with brick walls and broken furniture
it may bring safety but it doesnt bring me joy
and home to me means joy

I used to believe that people could be completely happy
But then my grandma died
And life happened
Then i started believing that no human could be completely happy
I dont believe its even possible
Humans can be happy
But humans will always disappoint
We always have these expectations and goals
And they cant always be reached
So we get dissapointed
So we as a species are just bound to disappoint
Over and over again whether we try to or not
We will never entirely fill each others goals and requirements
So we will never be entirely happy

when i see her hanging on your arm
hanging like an accessory
i remember what it was like
to have hung on
appearing for just beauty
and i realize how grateful i am
that i gave up my place
because i saw how you didn't care
and despised the way i am
my loud mouth was too loud for everyday wear
my androgynous clothing was too masculine for your style
my devoted interested were to permanent for your living
ad my strong beliefs were not agreeing with yours
so i'm glad
that i got away
and stopped being your accessory
but i feel sorry for any other
that lets you adorn her
for the world to see
yet lets you bat no eye
for her when you leave for home

i will admit
i am not the type of girl
to go to a bar and sit in a cloud of smoke
and listen to music purely because it is live
and i apologize if that is what you were expecting of me
but that is just not me
i am the type of girl
to go to old hidden bookshops and inhale the scent of literature
i am the type of girl
to sit on my bed at 4 am and talk about all the thoughts to a friend
i am the type of girl
who is more interested in sitting around a bonfire than going to a mall
i am sorry to any human expecting anything more or less of me
but i am not like that, it's just not me
i am a homebody, i am an lover of the arts, i am an introvert
i am a lot of things, but i am not a loud and extroverted human
i love my comfortable home and my few friends
now you are aware of my awkwardness and inability to be uncomfortable
i refuse to do something i don't want to
i am not going to do something purely because of the view of others
i am me, i am not going to change
and you are you, and you shouldn't have to change to get along with me
i apologize for expecting that of me, but then again
i am not going to apologize for being me

it had been a month since you told me you didn't love me anymore
and if i'm going to be completely honest, i was doing just fine
with how things ended, it cut all emotions i felt towards you
and then you texted me
you caught me completely off guard
you were a name i never thought would ever come across my screen again
but it did
and you were worried about me
you were just asking me so many questions, and i will admit i did lie to a few
no, i hadn't been fine, but not because of you
but then you kept saying you thought that i hated you
and it was like you were begging for me to say that i miss you
and that i just want you back and couldn't stand not having you in my life
but i will never give that to you
because i don't miss you, i did at first, but not anymore
and i can live without you
i learned that i am still me even without you
one thing that did shock me about that though
you of all people should know that i don't hate
i've never been a hateful person
i mean, i get that we aren't talking anymore but ****
we did talk every day for so long
i would've thought that you would've remembered something
but i guess you didn't
and i had to remind you that i don't hate, i just hurt
i was so aggravated with you then
because then you were pleading for me to be your friend
why would i want to be your friend?
your the one that pushed me away and got a boyfriend and didn't even tell me
you weren't gonna tell me, you never were
you can say that you were and just didn't want to hurt me
but we all know that your full of it
you weren't and i know because you kept telling me you adored me
and why would you do that if you had somebody else?
no, i don't hate you, but i don't trust you or respect you in any way
you hurt me
and i told you when i lost somebody else
that i was done fighting to stay in people's lives if they didn't want me
but i guess i'm not the one fighting to be in people's lives now

i don't think you realize how much you hurt my heart sometimes
cause not even giving me a chance hurts me even more
i don't want to be your ****** friend
i want to kiss you every time you say something stupid
i want to hold your hand and take you to my favorite cafe
i want to show you off to all my friends
i don't want this unknowing *******
i know your scared and so am i but we gotta take a chance sometime
because i don't wanna stay in this weird limbo we have going on
i want to call you my girlfriend and be proud of you
i want to be scared about falling head over heels in love with you
and if you are scared that's fine, if you aren't ready i can deal with that
but at least tell me why you are scared and why that's stopping you
i promise you i wont let you hurt me
i promise you i wont ever just abandon you when you need me
i promise you i will be whatever you need me to be
but please for just once be what i need

i always tell everyone to not hurt themselves
yet i sit here
and i hurt myself
trying to help you
by giving you this adivce
im giving you peice after piece of my soul
and in return i get nothing
but a fake thank you
and some counterfeit conversations
yet i sit here alone and trying to just forge a smile
for the world to see
yet your smile is full and truthfull
because it's filled with the soul of mine
that i sold so you could be happy
and get over every conflict you've dealt
so i tell you to not hurt
yet i sit here and i give myself away
piece by piece
and bit by bit

it's okay to fall out of whatever we had
but i hope we learn lessons out of what it was
i learned that sometimes i need to not think with what i feel
and i hope you learn that it's okay to feel
but i want you to learn to not pretend
if things aren't okay, that's alright, but you need to speak
don't just drop things when things get bad
talk about them.
because just ending things after pretending their good is terrible
and it screws the other person up
i hope the next person you are with makes you happier
and that the lessons you learned with me
will make it easier
i hope that you will feel better and be ready

i hope all of these good things will come to you and you will be better
but i dont know the future
for all i know you may come back to me one day
for all i know you could also continue on your path
never bumping into the past again
and that's okay
just use the lessons you've learned from your past
they will help you
even if it was a terrible memory
use your lessons, they will save you in the end

i've never felt this feeling before so i have no idea what this means
but you came into my life and suddenly i just knew
that i am going to end up falling in love with you
your going to mean something to me, even more than you do now
your meant to be something in my life and this feeling is too strong
for me to not need to be something in yours
i don't know what to call this feeling
whether it be a hunch or hope or maybe it's not a feeling and it's fate
but i know i'm going to end up loving you

I know she'll never believe me
But when she laughs with nutella on her face
She looks absolutely gorgeous
Because she's happy down to her bones
And it's moments like those
I realize how much I love her
And how lucky I am to have her in my life
Because she's gorgeous and amazing and brave
She's everything i could've ever asked for
And when she laughs
I feel the sound get saved into my soul
And when she smiles like that
I know
I will always and forever
Love the girl with nutella on her face

I'm gonna be honest with you
I am absolutely terrified
About all of this
About this relationship, because you're the first girl I've ever dated and it's scary
About this whole dating a girl thing, because I have no idea of what to do
About the judgement, because it's scary right now with the way society is
And I'm gonna be honest
I want to take this as slow as possible
Just so we don't have to feel uncomfortable at any time
So we can slowly learn how this works
Because I'm barely ready for any of it
I'm definitely nowhere near ready for kissing, i'm just scared
I don't love you yet, and i'm not going to lie about it but I do like you a lot
But even if we take this slow, we are still going to be judged and ridiculed
And this is terrifying and dangerous
Because we don't know if we're safe
So I'm gonna be honest
I'm scared about this; about you & me, about new things, about all of this

You don't love me
You love the idea of me
You love the character you've made of me
You love your character with mine
But that's not you
That's who you want to be
And you don't want to be with me
You want your character to be with me
And that's not how this going to work
Because I am not being a character
I'm being the real me
And I'm not going to be placed into your story like that
Surprise surprise i'm a real human
If you want to be with me and tell me you love me
Please step out of costume first
Then maybe this tale will end a different fate

Why must I always be strong?
Why must I always have composure?
Why must I hold back my tears and silence my pain?
Because I don't want to anymore
I'm not okay
I'm not strong
I'm hurting
I'm so close to a mental break down its not even funny
I don't want to even get out bed my depression is so bad
The only reason I do is because of my 2 friends who I have no classes with
I don't even try to talk to other people because my anxiety is horrible
I hurt all over my body and I don't even want to speak
But you don't know because I have to act strong
Because I have to always have my composure
Because I don't normally show how human I am
And I'm done with that
I want to cry because I hurt
I want to tell you I can't get up or make new friends
Because I'm human and I'm not always strong

I'm not lucky
To have people fall for me
And not reciprocate the notion
I don't like hurting others
It's not lucky to be pretty
Because when people whom you call friends
Start liking you
Because of looks or personality
What are you going to do
if you don't feel it too?
I'm not lucky to have people like me
Just because you like them
Does not make me lucky
I don't like them
And I could hurt them
But I don't want to lose a friendship
Because I'm "pretty" and "nice"
It doesn't make me lucky
If people like me
It doesn't make me lucky
If I'm pretty
It doesn't make me lucky
To have something that you don't

for a long time i would always get confused
whenever i would hear people say
that they still loved the person even when they were leaving them
and i would get very confused by that
inexperienced by love i would say
"well, why don't you stay with them and figure it out."
i now see why that isn't always possible

as i have now been put into that spot
and as i have left someone i still dearly adore
i understand
in no way is it easy
but it is the best way for happiness for them
and i now know why people do what i have done
because it makes the person you love happy
and if that means you having to be a little sad for a bit
then so be it

I have a longing to meet someone whom I've never met before
I will miss her
Even though i've never met her
Which is so confusing
Because I've grown so attached to her
Over video calls and text messages
Midnight confessions and our little fan girl obsessions
I miss her
Even though I have only known her months
I feel as though I have known her my whole life
Even though an ocean separates us
I feel as though she is right next to me
Even though we only speak through phone calls and texts
I feel like she is my best friend

It's not the same.  Skyping and calling and texting will never be the same.  Actually being able to see her, is 10x better.  Because then we can go to the mall together.  Then I can hug her.  Then we get to celebrate holidays together.  Being together and being apart are completely different.   And if I could, I would have her here with me or I would be there.  I would choose to be with her in a heartbeat.  Because I love her.  Thats my best friend.  I don't want to lose her. If I did I don't know what I would do.  And when she's her or I'm there, everything is perfect.  It's just another summer and us spending every day together.  It's just another sleepover.  It's a normal weekend.  Then she's gone and I can't just text her and ask her to come over.  Because it's not the same.  Distance doesn't destroy friendships.  But it does hurt.  I can't hang out with her at lunch eating the ****** cafeteria food.  I can't just walk over to her house.  Because its never the same. I can't see her without weeks of planning in advance.  I can't go trick or treating with her, cause we're hundreds of miles apart.  I can't gossip about the people at school with her, because I don't know the people at her school.  I can't just hang out with her anymore.  Because it's not the same, and theres so many poems out there that will tell you everything will be the same you'll just find other ways of doing stuff like that.  It's completely different.  And skyping and texting are never the same as watching a movie together and talking by the pool.  Yes, that really helps.  But its not the same

i am so sick of these ******* walls I've built
I've been in toxic relationship after toxic relationship
and it made me build a ******* house and I don't wanna do it anymore
I have this feeling deep down that your not gonna hurt me
and I really just wanna follow it
because you don't deserve that
you shouldn't have to be with someone who puts up guards
one of my biggest fears is being vulnerable
because then I could seriously get hurt
and I wanna have faith that you won't hurt me

people ****, they've just hurt me and now I'm scared i'm going to hurt you
out of fear my walls just go up
and i'm just trying to break them down
because you deserve the good
and i'm terrified but you should get that
if you don't get anything else you deserve to at least see the good in me
i promise one day i'll tell you about the people who built them
but you don't need that and now isn't the time
just know that i'm trying, even if you don't notice that i'm working on it
i really am

i'm sorry
i'm ****** up
at least that's what i think
i promise i'm trying to be better
if not for you then me
i just wanna be the starry sky you see
when your alone at sea
but i can't
because i'm falling apart
i'm becoming a skeleton
that can't hold itself together
i wanted to be the thing that brought light to your darkest nights
but i can't even create enough light
to diminish the darkness in all of mine
i'm sorry
i've been trying to ******* hard
but it didn't work and now all of you are gone
i need to find the strength again
and i'm searching ******* everywhere
maybe i'll find it soon
and i'll pull myself together
maybe you've found the light for your nights
and i could've never done that
but at least i'm trying, i've tried, and i don't think i'll ever stop
at least i've found the love i've always needed
not in all the people that i found but the ones that found me
and i'm not the only one trying to bring light in others lives
there's light here and there's people here too
trying has never failed me, so i'll continue to
and even when the trying's hard at least their trying to

you would never think
that you and i had a past
the way we pass each other in the hall
without even looking
or even realizing that the other is there
if you didn't know us
who we used to be
you wouldn't know
that he and i
we used to be best friends
and then we lost it all
we lost the connection
or maybe it was never there
but we thought it was
but anyone who sees us now
will never know that we have history
that we used to spend weekends and road trips together
because when we pass in the hall
there is no eye contact
or any spark of interest
just a memory of our history

She noticed him the first day he walked into her room
She quickly realized that he was different
He was more quiet than most students
She saw him writing in that worn down notebook
So she began asking about his writing
Slowly he opened up
He wrote beautiful little stories
She learned they were his escape from reality
He had a horrible home life, and barely a future to cling to
In every story she saw his secret; that he had hope
So she stretched out her fingers
And reached for his hand
Because she knew that the boy had a talent
That could be the key to his future
When she saw him walk in and sit down
She saw a door to an adventure
Just waiting to be unlocked

this world is full of lonely people
some of these people are surrounded by others
some of them are surrounded by no one
there are a lot of lonely people
i think that the world just excretes loneliness
and it comes to us like a disease
after that it doesn't go away
it stays, and it travels like the common cold
we are all reeking in the fumes of our loneliness
and there's nothing we can do about it
except sit, smile, and get used to it
we're all lonely people surrounded more other lonely people
we just don't even realize that we are

I've slowly been losing you for awhile now
After you died, I could still here your voice in my head
Slowly it began to fade
The voice becoming weaker and weaker
Day by day it disappeared
Now your face is fading too
The only thing keeping it in place is the pictures I have left
And the memories that always bring back tears
It breaks my heart
Because you are my everything
And I can't lose you yet
Not yet
I still need to see your face to calm down
It's hard enough to not hear your soothing voice
But I need to picture your face in my mind
Otherwise I'm lost

when you see me
you only see my exterior
you see my baggy tees
and hazel eyes
you don't see the interesting parts of me
you don't see
my love for films
my adoration for a cat called lavender
my curiosity stored for murderers
my gypsy like spirit
my heart for poetry and literature
my collection of thick blankets and sweaters
my fondness for the brown haired girl miles away
my memories connected to lyrics and concert tickets
my obsession with candles and sunsets
you don't see the real me
unless you want to
and i want you too as well
because when you do
your able to see
my poetry with story upon story
my camera roll of cat and concert pictures
my messy room after a weekend trip
my eyes tired of awakening from sleep
my blush whilst reading
my smile reserved for my cat and loved ones
my tidiness caused from stress and feeling
my 7 am sleepy laugh
my messy self after a week of difficulty
when you see me
you see all of me
the destroyed me, the happy me, all of me
and you'll only see that
if i want you too