Soft green grass outstretched across the rolling landscape. The sun blazed on, adding tints of burnt orange and fiery yellow to the water colored painted sky. My cheeks a rosy hue after laying out for hours. My blonde curls spilled out across the lawn; surrounding me like an open fan. I breathed in fresh air and felt complete serenity. My thoughts ran wild with intangible dreams of me and you. Across the trickling bay of the open lawn there stands a house nestled in the crook of the sloping hills. It was our house. Filled with memories of our years spent together. Every now and then I still visit the house. The lingering smell of your cologne still clings to the air of our bedroom and the portrait of us is still positioned above the big, brown sofa. Sometimes I wonder if you too are laying in a field and staring up at the sky. If your bright blue eyes are soaking up the clouds and the thought of me comes to mind. If you think of me, like I think of you.

You hang the shining stars in my sky and paint the delicate moon with sweet words.
The twinkle of your eyes reflect against the pale moon gleam and I think I have found my universe in your eyes.
You're oh so divine and I wouldn't mind spending a lifetime by your side.

Her smile ignited in her toes and reached all the way up to the creases by her eyes as she laughed at him. "You can paint anything in the world and you choose to paint a flower?" She chuckled.

He thought about her words and decided to spill out the truth "I chose to paint this flower because it is beautiful and the only thing more beautiful than a flower is you. I cannot capture your laugh, the way you look at me, your whispered "I love you's", the blue hue of your eyes and your cheshire smile on a piece of paper. A thousand shades of paint couldn't even begin to do you justice, my love."

When I was little I used to think that monsters were apart of a fairy tale. That nothing as terrible as these gruesome creatures could harm me in real life. But then I started to notice them in the people I saw. The girl in my class who teased and taunted was a monster. The teacher who made me sob and screamed loudly was a monster. And the biggest monster of all was the reflection in my bedroom mirror. The girl who held it all in for the world but became something different when all alone. What happens when the thoughts in your head are sicker then the demons lying underneath your bed. I've come to conclusions that demons and monsters aren't just a fairy tale, they don't just stay hidden in books and movies, they are real. But instead of being under my bed or behind a closet door, they live in the darkest place of all, my mind.

I want to feel your lips pressed up against mine when the only thing on our tongues is alcohol and the only thing we are wearing is skin. To be against you and see you in another light. You may not believe in a certain religion but I could of sworn you were a Christian last night as the word God rolled off your tongue over and over again because you couldn't remember the syllables of my name.

(Bld)

I'm tired of standing in front of the bathroom mirror and picking myself apart every morning. I grab at the skin on my waist and ask myself "why?", I drag my fingers through my knotted hair in disgust and I pinch my thighs, wishing they would get smaller. I've been so set on being society's idea of perfection that I had not slowed down to notice how beautiful I really could be. The freckles running down my neck, like constellations in the northern sky, the curls in my hair laying over my shoulders and the roses blooming in my cheeks. I stood in the mirror and looked myself in the eyes and noticed my pupils darken and grow larger because I really do love myself. I used to only care about what you thought of me and the day you threw me away, I threw myself away too. But today, that's not the case. I'm picking myself back up and putting myself back together. I love who I am as a person and that's enough.

Over time you will learn
Your body is a temple
It is not a house of cards
You cannot set it on fire
You cannot push it over
You cannot destroy it
You must cherish your body
And all of it's imperfections
Because to someone else
Everything you hate about yourself
They are in love with
Your body is a home
You don't destroy your home
You decorate it
Start doing that now.

It's easy to fall in love with someone. To take your white knuckles off of the rails of stability and let yourself land into someone's arms. You'll fall in love over and over again in one lifetime. But you, you were so different. It wasn't like anything I've felt before. You reminded me of the pale moon because you would shed light during my darkest times and you were always picking me up and dusting me off. In many ways you were my own temporary heaven. But I'm afraid I wasn't your heaven, maybe, maybe I was your hell. My demons scratched on my heart and told me to run away. To break your heart and never look back. And that's exactly what I did.

365 days have past and I'm still afraid to look back.  

-BLD

Death is a funny thing. You know it's coming and you know it's inevitable, but you wish it wasn't. It's twisting and malicious and casts angry shadows among the light. It fills us with anguish and runs our veins cold. Death is a funny thing. You know it will happen eventually, but you live your life everyday anyway. And I think that's what it's all about. That's the loophole in death. Even though you know it's coming, you stare death in the face, fiercely, and let it know that it's not going to stop you. You're going to live your life every single day and you're going to soak up every moment and opportunity you have. Death cannot sink it's claws into you or tear you down. You are invincible.

I wonder how many seconds of insane courage it would take me to get up and walk away from everything I've ever loved. To never look back and willingly end up lost. I want to get caught up in the moment of being lonely and let it take me away. Away from here.At one point in your life, you'll feel like your back is against the wall and there's no point in looking for a way out. Today I caught hold of that feeling, a black restlessness settled in my bones and urged me get lost and run away. Sometimes I think it would solve all of my problems and that all of the people who ever used me would wake up with saddened hearts and guilty minds. It would be nice to leave behind a world of hurt for a beautiful, bright light.

It knocked on the door like an
unwanted friend

There was no escaping it

The sadness was back

And this time

You weren't here

To

Save me

some days it is an endless game of tug-o-war
I am standing on one end of the rope
And my heart is standing at the other,
one of us always ends up losing.
Mama said my heart was too open,
no one had to knock or break down the door,
They just came and left as they pleased,
I would let them.
I wonder if on the days you walked in,
you noticed me standing in front of the mirror,
Gripping at my skin, a game of tug-o-war,
All white knuckles and harsh bruises,
Couldn't help but wonder which part you didn't like.
I wonder if on the days you left,
you noticed me crying, Giant, ugly, but quiet sobs because you were leaving again.
I tried to be a home, but the worst part is,
If you were passing by me and an abandoned home next to me on the street,
You wouldn't be able to tell the difference between the two.
We were both broken, I am still broken,
Lost.
So I beg that I keep my hands to myself and not yearn for the touch of those who kiss their finger tips with poison,
The next time you leave,
Please keep the lights on.

All of your life people will tell you to just go with the flow, handle things as they come to you and don't fight back what's given to you. But **** that. Go against everything you were taught. Don't wait for things to happen, make them happen. Resist the current and swim straight upstream. The opposite way of the abyss of bland faces. Cause a ruckus and mess things up. Love recklessly and live wildly. Never go with the flow. Create a beautiful world and turn it upside down. Pick up the pieces, only to throw them down again. Get off the floor and make things happen. Live your life with adrenaline and an untamable spirit. And I promise you, you will be happy.

My breathing becomes erratic and warm blood rushes to the tips of my ears as I remember you.  You showed me the world from a clean, glass window. For a while, it was amazing. The view was impeccable and there wasn't a single flaw. But day after day of staring through that clean, glass window I began to panic. The window wouldn't let me break through, let me be free. You kept me under wraps and hid me from a world of untamable beauty and free spirited inhabitants. The clean, glass window was warped with your tainted perspective on a perfect world. I couldn't breathe around you, I was a fish out of water and you didn't mind. As I flailed around, you chuckled and said "it's okay." But it's not okay and you cause me nothing but heart murmurs and not the butterflies in my stomach type. The type that wretches my gut. You did nothing but hurt me when all I ever did was love you.

Do your words mean anything?
Are they as true and good as you say they are?
Can I count on them?
Or are they just a bunch of nothingness strung together and decorated in pretty lies.

Soon you'll meet somebody new and you will fall in love with her.

She won't have eyes tainted with sadness and lips that taste of alcohol.

You won't have to fix her because she was never torn into pieces.

Not like I was anyways.

And I'll be happy for you and I will watch you fall in love with her more and more as I pick up the bottle and take another sip.

Maybe life is about finding yourself, but maybe again it isn't. Maybe life is all about meeting people, a bunch of people. Sometimes the people you meet are going to hurt you, but that's okay. You'll learn from the experience, from them. You'll also fall in love with a lot of people in your life, maybe not always in a romantic way, but you will love them none the less. The more you're around people, the more you gather bits and pieces of who they are, a fraction of their soul. By the time you're old and God is urging you to join him, you will not have spent a lifetime alone trying to find yourself but rather a lifetime of surrounding yourself with people, and at the end of it all, you're a collection of everyone you've ever loved, and I think that's what life is about.

I love old books with folded pages and highlighted sentences because you felt sincere passion when you read it.
I love poems that leave the taste of sadness and heartbreak lingering in your mouth and songs that sound like falling in love.
I love thunderstorms and falling asleep to the sound of raindrops whispering "you're not alone anymore."
I love boys with tired eyes and messy hair and girls with loud laughs and lips dripping with alcohol.
I love the powerful effect of words; the way they can shatter you all at once or sew you back together again.
I love warm, cozy libraries that consume my every thoughts and the color blue.
But even then, I don't think I'll ever love anything as much as you and the way you look when you're laughing and looking back at me.

I'm laying down and facing the ceiling of my bedroom. I stare with a blank state apparent in my eyes and it feels like the walls are closing in on me. The room is getting smaller and I'm playing your favorite song on the radio. The lyrics are flooding my veins and the room is getting smaller. I feel like I'm suffocating with your presence even though it's lacking beside me. I keep playing your favorite song and I continue to stare up at this stupid insipid ceiling that's doing my thoughts no good. The walls are finally caving in on me and my heart is cracking. You have finally accomplished what you've been trying to do all along, you have broken me to the point of no return. I will forever be a dusted pile of passion, love and regret beneath your feet.

A deep ache fuels in my heart and spreads to the ends of my fingers and the tips of my toes.

Everything hurts when I think of you.

I recall the way you laughed with so much force that your shoulders shook with happiness and the way your eyes glinted underneath the Florida stars.

It hurts to know that I won't be able to experience those moments again.

We will never drop everything and run to the beach at 3 AM or drive endlessly with an unknowable destination.

I know that things happen for a reason and pain is inevitable.

We are only living in temporary infinities.

You were never mine to love for a lifetime but in the time I had you, I loved you so **** much.

I'm wishing on these Florida stars tonight. As the waves crash down and the water kisses the shore, I think of you and wish you well in all that you are doing.

You're an unforgettable sliver of my soul.

Lately I've been trying to forget who you are. Did you know that every seven years the human body replaces each and every cell. I think that's lovely. How invigorating is the thought that I will soon have a body that you have never loved, that you have never touched. However,  I've still got years to go and tonight you're the only thing pulsing through my veins. ***** and ***** and ***** is the only thing I can feel. I'm trying to forget you but it seems like the only thing I'm forgetting is my name and how to walk. It's so hard to keep going when you're the only thing on my mind, sober or drunk.

Flames licked the edge of the page in which words so beautifully written were spread across.
It reminded me of your jade eyes and wickedly breathtaking smile.
The words spoke of our love that was once so passionate and fierce.

As the fire engulfed the paper entirely, I knew that the story the page had shared came to an end,
Just like our love.
But I'd be ****** if I said I didn't still miss you.

Somedays I just live all the way up in my head and I don't want to come down. I fold myself in the corners of my mind and consume myself in thoughts. My body is littered with memories of you....everywhere I look is a place where your fingers have skimmed. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to come down from my mind because I don't want to know what's waiting for me. Are you going to be there, all laced in smiles and charming words or are you going to break my heart and shatter our promises. My mind is safe because it has stored the way you used to rub your thumb on my hand and the way you would kiss me goodnight. If I live all the way up in my head, I don't have to leave you. You could still remain a part of me even if you have left me physically, you're still present in my heart and etched into my brain.

Everytime you would knock on my door in tears I would wipe my own and open the door. You were too wrapped up in making sure that I could make you feel better, that you didn't think about anything else. you would break open my mind and search for advice to soothe the pain, you couldn't wait to stitch yourself back together. Everyone I knew kept taking and taking bits and pieces of me to fix themselves. I didn't say anything because I was so happy to see the people I love happy. But then I felt the hallowness in my chest and began to worry. A couple years later, you knocked on my door. I couldn't get up to answer it, I felt so weak. You stormed in and were ready to take the advice you needed but stopped. My heart was empty and my brain numb. The people I loved, picked and pulled on everything I had to offer until I was nothing. They didn't mind hurting me if it meant helping themselves. All I ever wanted was for someone to come along and give me a piece of them and help me from breaking.

A thick layer of smoke hung in the air and alcohol was pouring through the veins of every teenager living the night away in your friends basement. His parents weren't home and cups littered the ground and just about every flat surface. I remember seeing you sitting in the corner. A sad expression engraved in your face and not even the slightest thing could crack a smile out of you. Later that night I found you sobbing on the bathroom floor. I remember the distinct coldness of the tiled floor as I sat next to you. God, your heart was so broken, she really did you in. It was like a thousand tiny pieces of glass laid out on that bathroom floor. I tried so **** hard to pick up all the pieces, and once you saw me trying, your electrifying smile slowly reappeared. My hands has tiny cuts and bruises all over because there was so much of your broken heart to pick up. Once I finished, I looked up to see you were gone. And that's when I realized my mistake. You didn't need me, you just needed someone. Someone to put you back on your feet and send you on your way, not a silly girl whose heart ached for you, not a silly girl who spent that whole night picking up the shards of your breaking heart, not a silly girl who thought for one second, you needed her back.

If we are being honest here I never wanted to fall in love with you. I never wanted to wake up wanting you. I never wanted to skip a heartbeat when you walk by. I didn't want this. But somewhere along blurred lines of reality and in an abyss of emotion, I drunkenly fell for you. I told you I didn't want this in the beginning. But everyday, my heart grows warmer and my eyes open wider when you're around. I want to know what it feels like to hold your hand. What it's like to be the one you fall asleep next to and whisper "i love you" all night long in my ear. Please fall in love with me too. I want nothing more than to be what you want. Please don't go.

I love the sky when it's first gently woken from a deep slumber. The majestic shades of dark crumble off and create a light purple glow. The town below is still nestled in a peaceful rest and the streets are full of unforgettable silence. I love the sky at this moment because I sit on the back porch of my house and reflect on the life in which I live. The moon kisses the sun and promises to return the next night and the sun begins to take it's rightful spot on the burning pedestal in the middle of the atmosphere. I believe in many ways we are like the sun and the moon. Even though we never stay together for long, our promises to return are everlasting. I find serenity in knowing that even if I am to be whisked away by the sun, moon and stars somedays, that I am always able to crawl back to you, sooner or later.

Don't you dare look at me with those eyes
You don't own my body anymore
Not these freckles that litter my skin
Or the bruises that ink my calves
Your big blue eyes were never there to fall in love with me
But rather to teach me a lesson
The lesson being that before I fall in love with anyone else
I must first fall in love with myself.

Everyone is going to have a bad day from time to time, don't take it personally, just let them be.
2.Tell the people you love that you love them all the time and everyday, they need to know.
3.It's never to late to accomplish what you want.
4.Take care of yourself, get the sleep you need, take a warm bath or eat a meal, it will be okay.
5.If you're not in a relationship, it's not the end of the world. You're still beautiful and you always will be, regardless if you're with someone or not.
6.Enjoy the simpler pleasures like sitting on the beach or reading a book to ensure ultimate happiness.
7.Take pride in what you love, no matter what it is, because it's apart of who you are.

Somedays I think that seeds are planted in my bones and are growing beautiful flowers to fill the cracks. I feel like my dazzling smile makes the boys trip and scrape their knees. I wave hello to the people who deserve it least and hope that one day their hearts swell with passion and love.

But other days, I'm drowning in a deep, dark abyss. I'm not sure which way is up or which way is down because my head is swimming with water and heavy thoughts. I can't find it in me to crack a smile at even the kindest people. My bones are brittle and dry because all the tears have already been spilled. It's hard to get up and get going on those days.

I've learned to accept that it's hard to prepare for the future when you have no idea what's coming. Therefore, no matter what day I'm having, a tiny part of my heart will still beat loudly and love will thud in my chest because I picture those hazel eyes and the sound of your laugh rings like a melody in my ears. Throughout my best days and even my worst, you make me feel like I belong somewhere in this crazy, beautiful world.

His eyes, the color of the sea
Always carrying me like the ever flowing tides
And reminding me that I could drown with one simple kiss.

Don't forget to pull me back to shore, darling.

We as humans, are nothing without time.
Clocks tell it and meetings are set by it.
And that is the one fatal flaw within humanity.
Man possesses one thing no other species or organism will ever have.
And that is,
The fear of
Running out of time.

I know I hit rock bottom when you looked me in the eyes and told me that I couldn't be what you needed anymore. You used up all my passion on your artwork and all my love for your heart and all my intelligence for your brain. I wasn't cutting it. But she was. She was overflowing with strokes of paint to create a masterpiece and lust filled eyes and she was sharp on her wit which you knew you could use. It was nothing for you to get up and go, to walk away from anything I ever was. I'm not angry and I'm not upset. She was beautiful and still is. Her beautiful heart will hopefully be able to soothe the cracks in yours and let you see that the whole **** world doesn't revolve around your needs. Because **** I needed you but you just left. You left and I'm fine with that because one day I'll be leaving to. Off into the world unknown, where you are unknown to me.

When the stars shone through the bedroom curtains and constellations reflected on our bare skin, you would skim your fingers up and down my side, leaving an electrifying shock. You had a way with leaving my whole body in an euphoric state. My toes would curl and my heart would tingle at the thought of you beside me. You dressed me up in lace and stockings only to take me down in skin and more skin. We had this passionate love that you only find once in a lifetime. Your eyes can always grow with lust but only your heart knows what real love feels like. And darling, my heart never failed to skip a beat for you.

Do you know how deeply it hurts to miss someone even when they are sitting right next to you. I've been on a sadness lately that's uncurable. My chest feels empty and hallow and everything is dark. The dark can be peaceful and soothing but when you're missing someone like hell and feeling alone, it's a suffocating atmosphere. Sometimes I just want to grip you by the shoulders and yell out that I miss you, I miss you terribly. You make me happy and lately the sky's have all been a saddening blue.

Sprawled and etched underneath your delicate skin. Lines of blue and indigo travel up your forearms and push out adrenaline. Dark as ink, poisoning ones very soul. I trace the wicked lines with the very tips of my finger and you break out in shivers. The very lines that fascinate me, I want to make a home out of your veins. I want to be within your every being, I want to be the very thing that makes you feel alive.

I remember when you stripped me of my lace and stockings, you gasped and said you've been waiting to see my bare soul in such a raw state for a long time

I wonder if when you stripped me of everything I loved, you gasped in your mind and realized you've been waiting to leave me in such a raw state for a long time.

People often use the term "home is where the heart is" as reference that home is a literal place. That you can touch it, feel it, live in it and it's physically there. But I just can't seem to wrap my mind around that. Because my heart belongs to a home that isn't there in a physical sense. My home is the way you say my name and draw circles on my lower back. My home is built and structured in between your arms and in the crook of your neck. I've never felt more at home then when we are skin to skin and I want to pull you even closer. No my home is not a building, my home is you and that's where my heart will always be.