I thought it would be worse.
The pain of you not being here, physically present.
I assumed this would be the worst of it.
I could not have been more wrong.
The worst part is getting a taste.
Getting a taste of what was
What could be
What will be
But not now
I think the pain after the fact
After knowing what you are like
With me
To know how wonderful existing together is
Only to have it taken away
The pain of missing you is near unbearable
After all
I feel it in my bones.

I said your name more than I've ever said I love you
I think eventually they became one in the same to me
Suddenly your name became the most important word that would ever leave my lips
Your name, a singular word, would come to mean the word to me
And eventually
Eventually
Your name
Instead of being breathed in between the I love you's
Would soon be between the broken sobs filled with regret
I pray for the day where I can say your name without feeling each piece of myself that I worked too hard to put back together threaten to fall apart again into the mess I am now
One day
I'll be okay
And your name will only be a fleeting memory

And then she smiled
I didn't think it was possible
And I really don't know why it never occurred to me
The possibility of her ultimate happiness was a foreign concept I suppose
But look, look at her now
It's finally complete
He came home

A year ago
Can you believe?
Already a year has passed
I survived the turmoil and trauma
A pain I cannot even begin to fathom today
For that, I am stronger

A summer ago
I had sworn you off
You came back
Can you believe?
I was filled with caution and fear and light
A friend had returned
For that, I am kinder

A season ago
The leaves were falling as was I
Can you believe?
I understood the capacity of what I feel for you
A capacity I cannot even fathom today
For that, I am lighter

A month ago
Can you believe?
Already a month has passed
I grew in the love and warmth you interlaced between our fingers  
I was filled with laughter and comfort
For that, I am happier

You are like a deep breath
After spending years gasping for air
You are the brightest of days
After weathering months of storms
You are peace after a seemingly never ending war

But you’re not the air I breathe
I can do that on my own
But how nice is it to know that your breath can be synonymous with my own
To know this is ours to share

The fact is
It doesn’t matter whether you knew it was going to happen or not
To live with the idea
“It wouldn’t have hurt this bad if I had only seen it coming”
Is truly a false one
It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t matter
The fact is
It happened
It's done
It's gone
And you are still left with yourself
It will always be
Just you
And yourself
This is the only promise life will keep

I would like to say that meeting you, being with you is like a dream
But it's not
With you, it's better than anything my brain could ever hope to consolidate on its own
It makes sense, you make sense in every indication of the word
I'm not saying I want to be with you
I'm saying that we were undoubtedly made for each other
I would gladly do anything for you
You have more than my heart, you're a part of it 
For the first time, in a long time, someone has waltzed into my life and has changed every idea I have ever had about love.
I've only ever been in love once.
Now twice.
Twice, I have been lucky enough to know this feeling
To ache for someone more than I will ever care to admit
To be in their company and know that who they are will always be enough for you
They are enough
You are enough for me
You will always be enough for me 
And no dream could ever fulfill my every hope and desire as you do 
Just by existing.

You’re constantly told to move forward
Move on to the next thing
Whether that be a day or a new chapter in your life
And I understand, I should keep moving forward
But all this moving is making me sick
I can’t stop it

It is true, pure irony what this life has managed to become in such a short period of time.
My thoughts race, and race. I can't help but ask myself
Here? Again?
How did I manage to spend a year dreaming
Only to be rudely woken up from the bliss I immersed myself in
And find me in the
Exact
Same
Spot.
You were like a dream
And I woke up.

We were the greatest love story of all time
A true tragedy, not ever really standing a chance
But the fireworks!
The showmanship!
It was truly a sight to be seen
But no one, absolutely no one could have guessed we ended like this
Just a story
Something to be admired for a moment in time
The fireworks fade
The show ends

Every exhale, a little bit of you leaves me.
Like poison leaving my body.
Every day, it gets a little easier to breathe again.
I don’t know how long I’ve spent holding my breath.
But I feel it.
I feel the air fill my lungs.
I feel myself learn how to breathe again.
To be me again.
At one point I thought you were the air.
It turns out you were the smoke that filled my lungs.

t’s funny how things never change
We think we’re changing
But we’re not
The circumstances change
The environment can change
But we, who we are, does not
And that’s why it will always be the little things
What you see is what you get
It’s not that you refused to give me what I needed from you
You were never able to from the start