in my dreams i see you sometimes
i am next to you and your eyes
are not sad
they just smile the way i saw them smiling
only a few times

when i look in the mirror
i hear your voice saying there was beauty in my
smile and in my big blue eyes
i was a little girl then
and many years have gone
and you have gone with them
but
i still remember your hugs
though it feels like decades since i was last in your arms
and your voice still echoes in my brain
i remember the last time we spoke you told me
to not cry,
to be strong
and i am trying to be.
i am.

i pretend that i am.

i see you in my dreams sometimes
and i am again a 6 years old little girl
running to you
when you open the front door
and waking up realising
i will see your face no more
it's the most painful story
and i cry sometimes
but you are not here
to open any door
and i am not 6 years old any more
and there's no beauty
in  my big blue crying eyes.

you left and took away your voice,
your dancing,
your bright face
your warm arms
and your kind eyes,
i am left only with a picture
i keep inside a box
behind the front door of my heart
and i want to go back,
to be your little girl again
and i know i'll never get to tell you
that I don't want to pretend any more
and I want you to tell me
that it's okay if i am not always strong
that it's okay to cry.

in many lines i have tried to write you
but i always do it the wrong way
and it seems impossible to describe
how much i miss you
and i need you
and
how much
i love you.

You came into my life
the way spring comes to wake up everything around
planting flowers in my soul
making the sun rise
and the stars shine
when all I could see was darkness
and moonless skies.

Like a prisoner dreaming of freedom
I spend my darkest hours dreaming of you
in my heart there was such a hole
and you with a smile
filled it whole.

Water has a bad taste
cause my lips are pinning for your sweet wine
and nothing  can compare with the elixir
my hearth wants to have

I would fall in hell a million times
to feel the way your flame burns my body,
I will prey to all the gods of the world
to  have you in my eyes
the way I have you in my mind

I am a prisoner and you such a free soul
I am a prisoner
dreaming of the freedom
the freedom you are
in my weakest bones.

Words don't come to me anymore
silence grows deeper in my soul
the pain gets stronger and stronger.

My hopes, they turn to ashes
at the touch of my hands
I lose them, they slip through my fingers
and they're no Phoenix bird,
won't ever reborn.

Disappointment,
Failure
At every step I take.
My life,
a sinking ship.
My fears consume me day by day.

My love makes me rot inside
light burns my eyes,
music hurts my mind,
my soul is full of scars,
hopeless,
empty,
weak.

I shall die in the darkest silence.

i see you painted in other peoples's eyes
i see you smiling in the blue irises
swimming ocean's deepest blues
crossing the horizon and touching the sky.

i see your picture in the green eyes
in spring's early grass i see you laughing
daydreaming,
playing with some hopes
the way you play with my thoughts.

i see your picture in the deep brown eyes
eating their chocolate
the way you sometimes eat my heart

in the black skies
i see you painted
there are no stars
just you wandering alone
looking for something
something i don't know..

i see you painted in blue and green
in brown and hazel and black
and i can only hope
one day you'll see your smile
painted in own blue eyes.

Your portrait carved on my soul
—burning masterpiece lasting forever—
I feel your eyes on my chest
you wrote your name on my lips
for forever
                                              
I wake up with swollen eyes
—make up won't ever cover up
the pain I carry—
I feel
black holes swallowing me whole
I get lost in old books no one reads any more
I am a ghost
wandering in a nebulous world
I fight daily for a slice of air
I'd stab the sky and drink its blood
if it would bring me a crumb of life

regrets
they haunt me like poltergeists
can't sleep at night
their sound is so loud
everything I've done
comes before my eyes
I can't breathe
I want to make it stop

I've kissed devils believing I was buying love
I've ran miles and miles trying to reach the horizon
I've cried tears
and tears
and tears
trying to forget what wasn't mine to love
I've haunted black birds disguised in the angels of the night
I've kept the dirt in my pockets believing it was gold
I've walked to the light
but it was just a fire burning me whole
I've turned into devil then into angel
and demon and angel and so on
I've let myself fall believing I would land on clouds—
the ground, it broke my bones—
I've drank all the glasses of poison in the world
I've eaten sorrow as dessert

I've lost my soul
my brain is shattered
my lips bleeding
my arms longing

and still

nothing is as bad as the fact
that I've never shown you
my true heart
and how much
I
love
you

Broken
Empty
I feel naked
Ashamed
My heart is exposed and my weaknesses are there
In everyone's eyes
My darkness only blinds me
I hear people laughing diabolically
Planning ways to use my flaws
I feel people getting too close
I cannot stop them
My wall is down, my broken arms
Cannot build a new one
I cannot run anymore
Cannot oppose them
I can't cover my nakedness.

My mind has become a blank page
I don’t know who I am anymore
I am lost
In the darkness I feel that I've never existed;
In my thoughts I see
Things that are not supposed to be here

Bitter words are flying in my brain
There’s a cold wind in my soul
I am getting cold
Like Andersen’s Little Match Girl
Dreaming hopelessly about some arms that could make me warm.

I hurt
I'm hunted by poltergeists,
With my bleeding hands I dig my own hole in the ground,
I hide in it
I close my eyes
I feel that I'm dying, but I know
I am only sleeping.


I can only hope that I will soon wake up from this nightmare

painkillers for the body
and painkillers for the soul
I've wasted them all.
I fell into the darkness for which
I thought there was no cure.

Desperate, in denial,
laying on a dying bed
was waiting and waiting in silence
to be brought back from the dead.

And then your memory came again
a pale moon in the black sky
I found deep down in the darkness
a reason to get up.

I was lost in the night
until you taught me how to love the sun
cause you are but a shadow on my heart
and shadows can't exist without light

12:02  in the night
and I miss the other 12:02-s
with you and Dylan’s blues
and no words sometimes
just with the drinks in which we were drowning, but we wouldn't let
each other die.

12:02 in the night
and I am trying to hold your voice somewhere
in the corner of my mind,
but it fades away with every second.
I'm trying to remember the way your left eye would smile
everytime after I’d kiss it,
the way you used to write my body down on random pieces of paper,
the nights in the bars,
the smoke of cigars,
the tissues on which we would write our love,
the morning coffee,
your body next to mine,
your dreams, my tears, your trains,
the station where I've waited for you
so many times,
the way your fingers would touch my skin,
the words,
the flowers,
your shirt covering my body in the morning,
your heart,
that night at the beach,
or the sunrises.
I'm trying to remember
the “you and I”,
the we

I'm trying to remember when did we give up
saving each other
from drowning to death.

dogs playing happily in the park
children laughing on the playground
birds flying up in the sky,
this picture makes me wanna die.

a clean blue sky
and a warm shy sun
heath makes me feel like
I'm melting to the ground

I'm suffocating.

pretty girls in white dresses
people with kind voices
long, blonde hair in the wind
big, smiling eyes
and tattoos on upper backs
love them all
they used to make my heart laugh
but now I'm only drowning.

The dirt calls my name all day long
sometimes I think
maybe is there where I belong
six feet under, alone
away
from all this puppet show.

when i hear your voice
i feel like smoking a million cigarettes
and drink tens of bottles of wine
i see pictures of your smile
i hear you protesting in wise words
and saying all the things
about people who are not heard

the way your harmonica sounds
and your guitar strings
they lift me to heaven
and bring me back to earth
a vision of love and hate
your voice
something so strong,
my ordinary ears cannot understand sometimes
your words

some say you don't have the voice
but the way i hear it
i can't compare it to anything
not to angels
nor to demons
you have the right kind of soul
the kind they will never get to know

i wish you'd never disappear
never go
i know
a stupid illusion
but in my heart you are the one
making my rainy days bright
your songs they make me smile
every time i hear them in my room.

i had a dream
you were sitting next to me
typing some words
and as much as I deny it
i know
it was the most wonderful image
i'll ever get to see.

playing with words is your best game
a mystery
a lost soul
a rough voice
and gentle touch of strings
a mad voice in a world
with nothing to believe in
to you
i'll drink a glass
and in my heart
your music will be
the only thing that will ever last.

There’s something that makes me spend
more and more time in my room.
It is a dark place,
the lights never get through the window,
there are monsters under the bed,
but they never sleep.

People are not allowed in my room
they can’t even knock at the door;
Some of them know it,
they just let me be alone.
—or maybe they just don’t care—
But sometimes new people arrive in my world,
they try to save me
so they just come in.
And that’s when I hurt them.
And then the monsters make me lock the door,
light a small candle
and read from the book where the pain
writes poems every day,
while they show me pictures of all the people I've hurt,
of everything I've destroyed.

And then my entire being starts screaming, mad at me,
until I shatter and pieces of me cover the floor.
After that comes the silence.


You don't know  how afraid I am
of silent, dark nights
how something just makes me go in there
every time I start feeling
love.

And I wish I could let people in
without hurting them.

But I can't.

So please, don't come in
don't even knock.
Don't try to save me.

There are monsters in my room
and I am the worst of them.

trapped between reality and nightmare
between truth and lies
a constant war in my mind
I cannot fight it with my dusty hands

trying to save myself seems useless
I am but a hollow soul
a darkness in those around me
a crying of despair
a lost cause
no need to be
no need to breath
my legacy is just a wall
with no entering doors
I feel
I dream
I hope sometimes
but i know
I matter not.

in this world
there's only place for light
darkness shall be left
behind.

I'm still gonna keep you
Even though you hurt me
Even though you drag me down
Even though your hands burn my skin.

I am gonna keep you
Even though my breath is poisoned by your air
Even though when I sleep next to you
My demons, they wake up.

I am gonna keep you
Even though you make me feel cold
And empty
And with you there’s only darkness,
I can never see the light.

I am gonna keep you
Even though I no longer love you
And you no longer seem to love me.
Even though your heart is full of lies
And I cannot believe them anymore.

I am gonna keep you
Because I am weak
And scared of being free.

He sees me as a dragonfly
though I've long ago lost my wings
and the colours on my body have faded to black
banned forever from the light of the stars.

He sees me as an angel
though I've been thrown from Paradise
on this ****** Earth
to pay for the sins covering my dusty soul.

He sees me as a warrior
but I am just a scared mind
I weep and  hide
I can't fight
in front of the pain with my useless arms I die.

He thinks I have saved him
in his imagination I'm still flying
in the lights of evening's golden sky
while the sun sets it's beauty on the colours of my soul.

*He thinks I am angel
while I've already been condemned
to the eternal hell.

It is on the top of the mountains from your eyes
where I find my hope, my home, my harmony
I climb them daily
and touch with my bare hands the skies
I see the sunset light
shining under your eyelashes
its warmth falls upon my skin
so softly caressing the corners of my lips
shaping them into a smile I have long forgotten,
your fingers through my hair,
your touch belongs to angels
a rain of desire falls on my existence,
I am dissolved and recreated,
our scents intertwined
running wildly where no  man has been,
your kiss writing musical notes
all over my skin,
a perfect world inside your arms,
your smooth breath makes my mind melt,
the harsh wind blowing in my bones
is now just a warm breeze making the pain go.
Your air so pure
cutting through my flesh, filling my heart,
I close my eyes to feel it's power over my body
I breath in
I feel calm,
I feel alive,
in your whispers
I am again
*lost and found

I hope you'll write me letters
from the land
where poetry always dances in front of your eyes
and music never dies.

You left without any notice
no word goodbye
you flew in a second
when I thought you were feeling alive.

You left me with the memories
of some drunk nights
when we were stupid and young
and didn't know
that life is just a dream
of the everlasting death.

Now I am sitting next to your forever bed
feeling the cold ground
and dreaming
about one more day
some last words
a kiss on the forehead
your bright eyes
shining upon mine.

and I wish
you could hear me as I whisper amongst tears  

"I hope you'll write me letters..."

A train that never leaves the station
a bird with broken wings
an acid rain killing the spring flowers
I am
the clouds covering the full moon,
a funeral
the desert's freezing nights
I am
the thoughts that won't let you sleep at night
the deepest paper cut,
an illness with no cure
I am
the dust covering your lungs
the antagonist in your stories,
the cold wind hurting your bones.

I am the pain that hurts you the most.
I am the pain that loves you the most.

i am never alone
there are nightmares walking beside me every second of my life,
demons procreating in my head,
a freak show of feelings disguised like those clowns that terrify me,
my mind is the stage for a barbarian, ****** show,
i am an open field full of bombs that explode with every step I take breaking me
into little dark pieces of something that used to be warm and bright,
i mourn for my soul and I never remember how to laugh anymore,
i have this internal bleeding and there is neither cure nor doctor for it to treat it
i can feel how I am losing pieces of myself while running or walking or just breathing,
i can see the cage I’ve thrown myself in
i feel the sun burning my soul and I cannot stop it, I cannot cover it I can’t
run from it anymore because my legs are broken
i cry every day until I dissolve in my own sour tears
i don’t know how to cry for help anymore, I am tongue-tied
i am scared of breathing and scared of not breathing
i am never alone
they make me dance to their music until my legs give up and I fall, I crawl
into the darkness trying to hide but there’s no hiding from them
i know the only refuge
is in Death.

Dear friend,
I wish you could tell me
how am I supposed to speak when I know
my words will never reach your ears again,
how am I supposed to breathe when I know
that I no longer share the air with you,
how am I supposed to listen to anything
when I know my ears will never hear your voice again?

Dear fried, tell me
how am I supposed to wake up every morning
and see the daylight
when I know my eyes will never meet yours again?

How am I supposed to touch anything when I know
that my hands will never again touch your skin?
and tell me,
how am I supposed to feel warm
when your arms will never again be around my body?

Dear friend, please tell me
how am I supposed to let other lips kiss my forehead?

How am I supposed to smell the tulips again
Without remembering how you used to say that
I am like a tulip —beautiful in my simplicity?

Dear friend, please tell me
How could you go
When you promised you would never ever
Leave me?

I wasn't there with my body
when you were happy,
or walking in an evening rain,
I wasn't there with my eyes
to see the tears you shed
I wasn't there to feel your skin,
to see your eyes bloom at night.
I wasn't.

I wasn't there with the body
that would keep your feelings warm,
I wasn't with the arms
that would make your pain go.

I thought i was there in your soul,
a shade of sea,
a morning in the spring,
my words, I thought,
they'd make you feel
the same sunrise that's in my smile
whenever your voice speaks to me.

I hoped I was at least a dream,
a thought of yours at night,
a traveller in your mind,
a phrase,
a nonsense,
I hoped
I was one of your cigars,
your cup of tea,
your rest.

I thought
I hoped
In silence now I know
I wasn't with you
at all.

There lies my heart in cold again
waiting in the darkest pain
it prays and prays by the skies to be heard
but skies they reach with nothing but a bolt.

The pavement's wet, my heart is bleeding
in tears I see it breathless leaving
the wings I built they hurt too deep
cause wings of lead can't fly but dig—

There lies my heart in cold again
and I in sorrow am once more falling,
my empty chest, my tears, my pain
in darkness I am hopelessly crawling.

I'd break these feelings
Into litlle pieces
Rearrange them with by bare fingers
Into something
That doesn't hurt as much.

I'd put my soul into the streets
Let it be stepped on by million feet
And still
It wouldn't hurt as much.

I'd take your name, your smile your touches
And put them somewhere in some old pockets
And then it won't hurt so much.

But here I am with all these feelings
And they are not into pieces
No
They are not.

And my soul is still inside me
I can feel it burning, stabbing
Oh, oh, it hurts so much!
And your face, your smile and touches
They are are still here, in my pockets.
Oh, they hurt so much.

So I'll take this mirror in front of me
Break it into little pieces
rearrange them with my bare fingers
Into a face that wears a smile.

And I'll pretend
That it doesn't hurt so much.

It doesn't hurt that much.

25 daydreams and nightmares i've lived
25 trees i climbed and fell from
25 poems i wrote and then destroyed
25 cherries i stole from Death's lips
25 times i danced in rain trying to forget the pain
25 hopes i found and hopes i lost
25 cigarettes i smoked until suffocation
i died a little more  25 times.

25 years seem sometimes like they went in a blink;
sometimes like it's been an eternity.

i'm looking in the mirror trying to find
a sign of peace
a trace of light
but i can only see
the ugliness building up
the heavy rain in my eyes
the craks in my skin
the 25 wringles life has put all over my face,

25 years and i feel too old, too tired, too weak
to destroy
these 25 walls
i've built
around
myself.

And now you’re going..
Your blue eyes leaving a cold shadow on my soul
Realizing that you cannot love me
That you don’t need me.

And the wine will never  taste the same it did before.

And now you’re leaving
Taking with you all the scents I've put in your hair
All the poems I've read to you
All the perfect moons
The ugly, boring Sundays
Your smile
The smoke of cigar coming from your lungs
Your heart
Your voice whispering
“I’ll never leave you”.

I feel like I am one of those sad songs
nobody wants to hear at a party
because they wake up memories,
open wounds,
make you bleed inside
And because in a few moments they ****
Everything that’s left of you.

Because they hurt.

not even the hardest rain can stop
the fire you started in my chest,                                                    
the burning desire consumes me
until i become
the smoke impregnating in your skin

you eyes haunt me in the middle of the night
my pen is blocked, my thoughts have gone blind
your voice, your touch-
permanent tattoos always reminding me
how in this sick world
you are the remedy for my being.

your fingers dancing on my body
melt my skin
i become
one with the sky and one with the ground,
you are the infinite
and I
just an earthling
coming back to live
everytime you kiss me

we had many addictions,
but i gave up them all
i am only addicted to your lips,
your insanity is the only place i want to live in
i want to become you and you to become me
i want to feel your taste

so kiss me, hold me
let me get lost under your skin
for forever

let me be your ******

Solitude,
The extension of my body,
Living at the end of my fingertips,
Eating me alive.

Solitude,
The friend I've had for years,
The only one to wipe my tears
As I die in my sleep.

Solitude,
Oh, Solitude,
The one who never leaves,
Never disappears,
The one I'll always have
Here, with me.

Solitude,
In the darkest corners of my mind
I will always find you
loving me, caressing me.

Solitude,
Oh, Solitude...
My one and only


Solitude

We've been breaking each other
for years,
day by day,
piece by piece,
until
there was nothing left of us
but pain
and misery
and the ghost of a love
wandering the lonely streets
of our souls.

I will no longer say
that I miss you at night
when my name is written  on pages
you will never read again.

Alone
astray
wandering  in the fog you brought in my mind
a thick mist covering my soul
suffocating.
Lost again
frantically I'll walk
until my heart will stop
stop loving you
stop wishing your road will be one day
the same as mine.

I will no longer say that I need you
in darkness to be my light

I'll drown in this black coffee
all the times I have watched the full moon
thinking of you,
every touch of your cutting hands
I will drown your pictures,
our mornings,
your perfectly painted eyes,
our sleepless nights,
the songs I'm listening on repeat
because I can find you only in their lines.

I will drown you whole.

I will no longer say that I want you
in winter to be my warmest coat.

I will no longer walk this road with no direction
I will no longer watch the moon
or listen to songs,
I will no longer write my name on unread pages.
And when my lungs will be filled
with the ocean I'll cry
I will drown myself
in the same coffee you hate
that I love.

Because I know,
walking any road without you
can only lead me
to my end.

I will no longer breathe
without your love around.

Behind the window where raindrops rest
there lies a world dying
under the red sky
a world where the half moon
still looks for its temporary sun,
a world where hope buries people alive
while silver birds are flying
to another sunrise.
behind the window where stars cry
lies my soul
still looking for you
under the dark clouds
of a room
with a dying light.

I see the red sun sinking in the horizon
before my eyes the sky is burning,
the half moon shyly smiling
but it is in on her dark side
where my heart is falling.

I breathe in the scent of the evening
trying to remember the days
when I was happy only because I was living.
the soft wind wants to give me wings
but my mind is drowning
in the river running wildly next to my aching body

as the night gets darker,
my ghosts are revealing their faces,
my demons are waiting on the right side of my bed
and while the stars will dance their waltz
I will be sleeping with my fears
and let the nightmares bite again
another piece of my restless soul.

and then somewhere
over a blues song
I can hear your voice
and I miss you,
my feelings, they get harder and harder to breath with
I am dying under some guitar strings
and I want you
and there is no desert that needs water
as much as I need  you.
you to be mine
to be mine

She was so beautiful
The blind men would fall in love with her beauty.
She was so beautiful
The angels would give up their wings
So they could walk next to her.
She was so beautiful
The seagulls would fly to the desert
Just to be with her.
She was so beautiful
Not even the demons would dare to seed sins
in her pure soul.
She was so beautiful
I would let her hurt me over and over again
And thank her for that.
She was too beautiful for such a miserable heart
Like mine.

Start drinking,
push away all your family members,
spend a lot of time alone,
move somewhere far, far away from your friends
and the places you like;
spend a few hours a day
thinking about
all the things you've failed at.
And drink some more.
Start wearing more black,
learn to love your nightmares
and start hating yourself.
Forget about all the things you used to like,
all your hobbies,
listen to Pink Floyd or Nick Cave or
Nancy Sinatra’s Bang Bang,
Read Bukowski or Ginsbersg or Emily Dickinson
and drink some more.
Cry.
Cry every day.
Don’t answer your mom's calls,
think about the people you have lost
and drink some more.
And the most important thing,
the final cut,
take someone you like,
someone you care about
and make them hate you.

Then drink some more.

My soul has a deep cut
I would stick a plaster over it and I would keep going
But I have none and nobody gets close enough
To see that I am bleeding in the inside,
To see that I need to be saved.
Nobody would waste their good feelings on me.
Nobody wants me in their life
The same way a child doesn't want a broken toy.

I am a broken toy.

I want to get smaller and smaller, to turn into a ghost, a shadow, to be able to hide in a wormhole in the ground.
I want people to forget about me. Because I hate myself and I hate everything I do. Because I hurt everyone I know and I destroy everything I touch.
I want to stop the time, to live forever in this moment, I want my life to stop advancing in space, because I don’t like where it goes. It’s like my body, my whole existence, is composed of mistakes and I am like this gigantic fault magnet, no matter what I do, no matter where I go, failure is there, waiting for me.
The demons inside my head build a hell for me every day and I have to carry it with me all the time. And I can’t stop them. I am so used to this hell that I am afraid of trying to get rid of it. I’m afraid of becoming happy.
So I hide.
I feel weak, I feel cold. I feel a sharp pain in my chest.
My bones are empty.
I fall.
I shatter.
I am small, but not small enough.

Falling

Drowning.

I remember how your voice used to keep me
at the surface
walking like Jesus on water I was
thinking that I was saved
from the beasts living, hiding at the bottom of the ocean
waiting, and waiting, and waiting in silence
for me to drown
to get deep into this misery.

Falling.

Drowning.

The beasts at the bottom are waiting and waiting,
your voice is fading, grows weaker and weaker,
I find myself unable to walk
I drown with every step I try to take.
The beasts in the deep are coming for me.


I am unsaved.

I put my heart on some guitar strings
I let you play them the way you wanted
We've never really had the same songs in our ears
But as long as your fingers play me,
You could turn me into the devil’s notes
And I would still be happy.

But I forgot, you just like listening to music
You've never been able to play anything
You just break the strings
And abandon the guitar
In the corner of your room
Behind your desk
Behind your eyes
Behind your life.
I wish you would just let me escape,
Escape the darkness, the nonsense you threw me in
Because I am here and I hear the songs you listen
And they are not for me
And you don’t know how much I could love you
You don’t know that the sad songs you listen to
Hurt me more than they hurt you.
You don’t know that I could make them quiet
Only if you would let me in your heart.
Only if you would repair the strings
And learn how to play them.

There were times
when the moon used to hurt so much
it was like someone
was constantly carving in my heart
portraits  of pain
it was like someone
was painting with flames
your face
in my chest