Sometimes I swear my mother is colorblind
The other day she said, “Darling, if you were gay, I think I’d know”
Well Mom, there’s a rainbow inside me but you see straight through it
I’m a prism in your hands but you refuse to hold me in the light
Mom, I’m bi
But she won’t understand that
In fact, she doesn’t understand anything
She doesn’t get ADD, or anxiety, or bisexuality
She can’t comprehend my depression, my aggression, my emotional recession
She complains that I don’t open up enough, but when I explain, she is the one that’s closed
What more can I say
Why does it take a panic attack to realize I’m not okay?
The other day when I told her “Sometimes I wish I didn’t exist”
She looked at me as if she was seeing a new color for the first time and she just couldn’t put a name to it
Can I really blame her for it?
All she has known is black and white and I’m showing her a light she’s never seen in her life
She sees a band-aid in her hand while I see a knife
I want to say everything that’s on my mind, but Mother, I’m afraid that you’ll lecture instead of advise
Instead of comfort
So I keep adding to these lies
And apologize
The other day you asked while I was crying, “Are you suicidal?”
And it broke through my heart like a wrecking ball through a brick building:
Loud in my ears, heavy in my chest, and smoky in my lungs
Because for the first time you felt the heat of my fire that you should have felt years ago
You only see a dull hue, but that’s a start for you
You’re finally seeing me, but you’re not going very deep
There’s so much within this glass skin of mine
I’m trying to shine but you cloak me in darkness in an effort to keep me warm
But I’m lightning in a bottle and I can’t control this storm
Soon I’m going to explode and you won’t know what hit you
The other day I wasn’t okay
And I’m still not today
I’m fighting my way through every minute, every second
So while I look like I’m getting better, I’m slowly deteriorating from the inside out
I just want to love who I love without being judged
Be who I am and know you’ll understand
I’m so tired of trying to conceal my lightning out of fear that I might strike you
But maybe my electricity is just what you need to wake up
Every day, I set my alarm clock for 7, 7:05, 7:10, because I just can’t seem to get out of bed
Sleeping is the only way to calm the voices in my head
But my antidote is her poison
You only see it as healing if you’re the one that heals me
You’re holding out that band-aid but I’m running from a knife
When I was little, I wrote left handed
But you made me switch to my right
Well Mom, did you know that lefties are more likely to be artistic, have insomnia, be disabled mentally, have ADD, and be bisexual…

Icicles drip from the edges of your car, but we're drinking up fire within
I lay back, feeling the clouds swirl around on the inside of my head
I'm slow, I told you,
I can't move too quick - I might just create a hurricane
And white rain is slowly falling, blinding your windshield
and talkative strangers who might see me sip smoke from your lips
I was almost tempted to kiss you
But almost isn't close enough
Better get me home before I do
And before the scent of you melts into my jacket
Before my mother smells the fire on my tongue

There's a hummingbird inside my rib cage
And it's dying
And I can't decide if I want it to keep drinking the red sugar of my blood
Or let it starve and wither away beside my bones
For I fear I may be lonely without it
For I fear I may be empty

My Ophelia
Rip yourself apart for me
Fill your mouth to the brim for me
And I'll outline your weightless body in violets and rue
Destroy your mind and cross every line
And I'll lay down inside of your grave with you
Never more will you be lonely

We’re sitting on your bed listening to your new record player
But your voice is the real music to me
Our laughter creates harmonies that I swear would put a Broadway musical to shame
And the sound of your eyes is a ringing in my ears that I never want to go away
You rest your head on my shoulder as you grow tired, and I’m praying that you can’t hear the feelings that I am breathing out so quickly
My heart is beating so hard against my chest, I’m scared it will break through my ribs
And what may look like a blush to you, feels like a volcano to me
All my blood rushing to the crook of my neck your head seems to fit so perfectly in
Can you feel my skin burning?
Can you see straight through it, because I feel translucent
Can you hear the song of my body rising to full volume?
Because of you.
I’m just a hopeless romantic
A slow indie acoustic and you’re a punk rock head banger, unable to hear anything over the sound of your own screaming
But as you scream for love, hands stretched out, looking for someone to wrap their arms around you, I’ll stay sitting next to you, humming my affection
And as your friend, I’ll help you search, even though I know it won’t be my arms to embrace you in the end
But, ****, if only I could get into those headphones of yours
My tears would turn into musical notes between the lines of my notebook paper
And I would sing
I’d breathe the lyrics of “loved” against your fair cheeks
I’d make sure that “cared for” was stained in lipstick on the palms of your reaching hands
So that you always have something to hold onto
So that you always have someone to hold onto
And I don’t even expect you to sing along
I just hope that you’ll listen
Because I just keep thinking
How beautiful you would look dressed in a classical symphony
So I’ll play you on the ivory
I’ll harmonize to your melody
And I’ll be sitting right here next to you, in case you ever need me to sing

You noticed me like lightning
Between the darkness your eyes flickered
In the movement and the night, I could only
                        Still
You caught me among the glow of streetlamps
I was wasting away with the oil

And you lit me
From across the storm
And I was blazing in an ocean
    of you
And you know what,
I have never known anyone
who spoke like thunder
but touched like                  
                               rain

I'm standing towards the sun
The light warms my hands, my chest, my face
I imagine it enveloping my body, draping, holding
My palms are open wide
My heart expanding
Reaching
For the sunlight is not shining quick enough
And I yearn to be closer
Warmer
Until the fire in my eyes matches that of the blaze inside
Night is creeping behind, persuading sweet amnesia
But She does not realize that Her darkness has already painted armor around me
Black as the sky I once fell into
And stronger than Her voice
And She will tear as my temples and attempt to whisper into my accepting ears
But Day has graced a golden helmet upon my head
A crown of battles to me fought
And wars to be won
And I will reach for Day's hand, our dream becoming my weapon

I cried in blues the other night
The blue of rising morning light
And I had never felt more beautiful

He craves empty bottles, she craves to fill me
In chains and delusions they don't want to be free
And every Sunday, like church, they're down on their knees
To each other, a god the other can't please

Dear Spring,

How lovely you are
Thinking of your bright life brings a warm smile to my face
The cool touch of Winter's lingering air mixing with yours is a tenderness I sadly will never know
From your cleansing showers to the flowers you never fail to bloom,
You paint new elegance with every brush of your fingertips
Oh, how I wish in vain I could become your canvas

I envy your pale virtue
Too many months separate our days, and I yearn for renewal with each passing year
While you flourish in all of your youth, I feel the kiss of my demise far too quickly
You should consider yourself lucky
Your beauty is remembered so dearly while everything beautiful about me is falling apart
Only to die in front of my burning eyes
Even as your rose petals (so similar to your delicate hands) drop from their stem, they descend in grace
And so you descend as well

You don't realize your own magnificence
Those tears you cry bring new life to our world
You bring restoration within every cloud of your lavender skies
The snow can get so cold, but you always break through the ice and kindle the embers of a modern fire
The mother of Summer, Spring, you are full of strength
You foster the breeze and raise emerald green
And I see rainbows blossoming on your watery cheeks
They show through the dark clouds you think define you, but you have always been so much more

Spring, I watch from afar
And gaze in wonder of what I know I will never get to experience
The burgundy of my body would ruin your coral skin
I will stay in the shadows if it means letting you live in the light
Such fair beauty does not deserve to be dimmed
Oh, I envy your pale virtue
But let's face it...

You wear roses much better than I would


With much admiration,

Auntumn

Everyday, I draw nearer to my freedom
yet draw deeper within myself
I grow closer to my future
           and farther away from time
I am closer to my dreams
closer to my goals
closer to my independence
closer to my happiness
And yet so far from reality
That I'm brushing my destiny with my finger tips

I don't want to exist

and yet I can't give up

I want you to open up my chest
It's filled with bouquets of poppies and roses
Take as many as you'd like
I didn't grow them for myself
I just want to see you hold beauty
And if it's mine . . .
And when you're sick of roses
Open up my skull
And I'll teach you how to hold a hurricane

pensive
he sits
stirs
drinking music
as if falling asleep
but feeling
everything

Your eyes were sunlight drifting through sheer window curtains
Your dawn crept over the mountains of my body
And the pleasure of existing was all that was for certain
We rolled in pink hydrangeas til the morning lifted way

You compared yourself to a rainstorm
Your favorite kind of weather
Pouring, overflowing on cool Autumn days
Dripping through the trees leaving pearls on the leaves
And lighting up clouds, seeming daytime within the night
In contrast, you called me a song bird
In late Spring or Summer
In clear blue skies I rise gracefully
My voice carrying on the breeze
You were worried your downpour would ruin my wings
But now, in the middle of the rain
I hear the mockingbird chirping away her many songs
Unafraid of the thunder in the distance
In branches, not worried of their sway
But the wind glides through her feathers, the raindrops cleanse her heart
And she sings on
So I will for you

**** every you that ever told me you loved me when you didn’t mean it
Every you that ever only wanted ***
Every you that could only say yes
Every you that ever looked into my eyes like they were yours
**** every you that tore them from my head
**** every you that treated me like a prize, showed me off to your friends like a deer you shot to mount on your wall
To burn and eat out that night
Every you that told me that was alright
**** every you promising friendship like some kind of peace treaty between my legs
To dump my emotionally convenient available *** when your crush sparks a crush for you
Every you that pushed me below your belt line
Every you that called me “mine”
Every you every time you grabbed my waistline like another bottle to get drunk off of
And in the morning you notice it’s still in your bed, find the cap, walk it home, drink another next weekend
Every you who had that plan
Who took me out to the woods to smoke and **** in the back of your mom’s mini van
**** every you who texted me after
After ******* just to leave, after leaving just to see you’re now ******* my best friend and you didn’t ******* tell me
Every you who texted me after, after saying you wanted to forget
When I thought that I did
**** every you who made me cry behind a bathroom door, whether you were in the next room or not with me anymore
**** every you who ever made me feel like a woman and that’s all that I was
**** every you who fell into every drunk college guy stereotype
Because you didn’t feel the need to be anything better
For my sake
Or yours
Because I want to be something more than some party boy’s ***** but when I’m always alone, company in my bed is better than nothing at all
**** every you who knew that
And used that
Who found me when I was manic, saw threw that, and abused that
**** every you I’m still friends with
Every you who told me you love her more than anyone else you’ve been with
And I know that one’s so selfish but **** it, ours was my favorite relationship
You were the only you I was in love with
Now I keep ******* all these men but let me tell you, Loneliness is a woman I sleep with every night
She holds me more tender and she leaves on the lights
She fists my gut and she eats out my mind
I’m tired of staying awake with her by my side
But I still feel empty when there’s someone inside
I wish I could take the objectivity and remove it
I already feel like my body isn’t real, I don’t need some **** boi to prove it
I want to be treated like all that I am: A woman, and everything else
I want to **** a man, a woman, a person, not because I want someone, but because I want them
I want to kiss a you I actually know
I want to care about a you who cares if I go
And you know,
**** every me that couldn’t say no

You told me I could text you if I ever felt lonely
Call you in the middle of sun-less hours if I was breaking and needed someone to take away just part of my pain
And stay for just a few moments
In your typography, I could tie down my demons
And disspel my darkness
For just a few moments...

I think you've made a mistake
You see, you'll give me a minute and I'll take your whole night
I can't just have a nibble; I'm gonna take a bite
Of your heart, of your time, of your sanity, of your mind
Because I don't nearly have enough to consider myself living
I'm an outline of someone that used to be, stealing pieces of humans in hopes I might become something
Through small electronics, I'll take control of your eyes, and tear into them with an onslaught of self-loathing and hopes of my demise
And you're so horribly kind, you want to settle my mind
But darling I am the chaos that consumed me
I'm a star about to explode billions of miles away, you can't even hope to touch me
So don't ask if I'm feeling better than wanting to ignite
I wanna lie with "alright"
I wanna ruin your night
I wanna grab your attention and paint my lips with it
Chew you up in my darkness and spit your autonomy out from it
Til you're just a pair of hands telling me I'm not the demon I know that I am
I wanna drag you into my cerebral cell
I am gonna be your midnight hell
You're gonna orbit around my entire world and then I'll throw you out into the empty space of my cellular cosmos
And I'll hope that you dream about me
Maybe that'll make it hurt more
And in the morning you'll wake up to me
Pounding away from the inside of your skull
All because you said I could text you
And I'll always come back because you always will
Come back to the darkness and the vibrations of my voice
Still horribly kind and unable to grasp the terrifying beauty of distant nebulas
I'm the brightest star up there, ripping apart the constellations
So look up, my love, and take me all in
I'll even lend you my telescope
Because if I'm going to explode, you better be watching

A long cemetery road separated
the rows of corpses underneath
tombstones from an untouched field
of wildflowers and wanderers

And I
walked on that road
in the middle,
not knowing which side I belonged on

Darkness
Black clouds and coldness
I was floating in a thick mist of regret
Wanting to forget everything I ever was
I drifted farther into the abyss
The voices in my mind hissed and dug their claws deeper
Tears of red running smoothly down my head
I shut my burning eyes and covered my face in my hands
But my fingers were unwinding like ribbon

But as I saw my form, breaking away
I was suddenly scared of the dust I might become
And lifting my vision towards the stars
I saw the sun
And her bright hands reaching down for me
As my flesh touched her warmth, she sewed me back together
“I will protect you,” she promised “If you will protect me too"

If you had opened the door, and saw me the way I thought everyone did,
You’d see a skeleton sitting in an armchair
She’s missing her left arm, from the elbow down,
wilting, as if trying to see something closer, as if it were important,
blooming from her skull, wide cracks… canyons through her pearl bone
and in her hand, a brain.
You’re not quite sure if it was once hers
or a stranger’s
She’s clutching it, digging her sharpened fingers into it,
Holding back just enough
But you opened the door,
and saw a human body made of glass
with fairy lights weaving their way through each limb
and roses blossoming from her mind
and she turned and looked at you
and you actually saw at her
because you were actually looking for me

Poison me
Bite your fangs into me
Grab my heart in your hands and make me watch the blood seep through your fingers
Because I love it when you control me
                                             I mean hold me
I want you to grab my waist and dig your nails into the soft skin
Make me feel something
Even if that something is painful
And I'll probably regret you
But ****, does painful look like stars

I keep on waiting till blossoming trees start snowing
In the Spring, when all I want to wear is the sun and
all I want to taste is an aerial blue
And you
A someone you
To roll around in nature’s meadowy beds with
To build moutains and swallow oceans
I keep on waiting till I can love myself and hear myself crying something other than sadness
Crying something happy
Something satisfied
I’m going to learn how to breathe again and what it means to not be terrified
every moment of pitch black days
I want you to watch me
Swallow oceans
Build mountains
Taste skies
Wear stars
Remember my tears don’t always leave scars
And I can hear birds sing behind the veil of traffic and cars
And I can exist
And breathe

Sunlight danced when it saw you
The trees rustled their voices
The grass blew north towards you
And on that clearing hillside
I heard the wild flowers
They called to you
Thinking you were one of them
And I
Frozen in your eyes
Could not stop weeping
For you saw me

Slip through the back door by the cemetery gate
You can always come over but til nighttime you wait
You wipe off the lipstick you wore with your guy
So it's easier to kiss me and wish you would die
I watch you drink up cigarettes at 4:40 a.m.
In a nightshirt too sheer with a yellowing hem
Lay my head on your lap, you'll play with my hair
You tell me you love him but you know I don't care
Cause if I am your secret, I have nothing to say
I'm your world in the dark but I'll ruin your day
Your skin is my rose, my hands - thorns at your side
I'll bite you and mark you in spots you can hide
I just want to destroy you, you've asked if I would
But with a gun to your head, I don't think I could
Whether you're screaming my name or eating me out
I only feel alive when inside of your mouth
When you're bare to the bones you let it slip that you're mine
And I'll only believe you by the scratches on my spine
Cause dear God, how you lie, I can't trust your eyes
You're the only one I need and the one I despise
I hate the word "him," you wish you could choose
But the gambling is fun when you have nothing to lose
You're his bottle of whiskey, I'm your hotel room
Your thoughts are like photos, my bed's the darkroom
Now I can't stand the the light, in the morning it twists
Through your skeletal fingers and crumbling wrists
Your touch becomes foreign like someone I knew
I'm a stranger, we agreed, doesn't exist next to you
And to us, it's too true
You don't know my eye color, I can't spell your name
But when you **** me tonight I'll forget all my shame
After all's said and done, we're still hungry for more
In bodies that don't feel like ours anymore
Your lap is too boney, you hate the color of my hair
I'd whisper I love you but I know you don't care
You know I regret you and you love that I do
Heartache has always been a synonym of you
You live for the torture you cause for your pride
You need others to feel how you're broken inside
You'll forget for a day, I'll forget for a lie
Come back by the graveyard when your willing to die

You pointed out how veiny your hands were
You didn’t notice that mine are too
Only that they were rough
And you didn’t hear how I said I didn’t mind
Your hands or mine
I’ve always loved the blue of veins
You can see we’re both alive

Though you let me into your arms
And kiss the top of my head
And let me into your bed
Though you let me lace my fingers among yours, so much stronger
And your legs between mine
I am touching nothing mine
You are but a rainbow briefly gracing me within my storm
A star billions of miles away, soon to fade from the corner of my sky
And I
Will gladly burn my eyes so that I may see your light
For
a

split


sec



ond

I'm going to be honest

I want you next to me
I'm going to fade into everything
          and I want you to hold the smoke
          that I become
I'll condense into your tiny storm cloud
And you'll settle the lightning inside me
You'll settle me
I am distant rolling and you are the sound of streetlights through midnight mist
The rain on the pavement is comforting when I can see you glowing

- dear anybody -

You asked me to be honest
But I don't think you really want that
I'll put my hand over your mouth and tell you to shut up
And let my thoughts run wild anyway
You asked me to be honest
So that's exactly what you'll get

I can't stand you

I can't stand your pretentious writer attitude
And yet how you hate everything you put on paper
I can't stand your black blazer and striped scarf
And the way you're growing out your ****** hair now
I can't stand the way you don't know how to talk to me
How I'm an aquaintance now
How I'm a stranger now
But most of all I can't stand how I'm not ******* anything now
Scratch that... How I'll forever be "the ex-girlfriend" now
How you can't detatch yourself from that girl you know you're in love with
Like how you knew you were in love with me
Pity me, forget me, mistreat me
I can't stand you anyway
I mean, you asked me to be honest
And honestly,

I can't stand                          you
                     the way I miss

Yet though, I know, my body be a dozen opportunities
My opened lips will still kiss but the tips of your fingers and knuckles
Opened legs guide you to another
Opened
Available
Forgettable
Body to hold and beside
In case you need it to mean
something
For a moment
In case you need that beside to be more than just an opportunity
But a (physical, actual) care

Sometimes I say “I like you” out loud just to hear how it sounds
It’s not always for you and I’m always alone
But it’s nice to vaguely taste company every once in awhile
And not the company of laying in your bed, expecting the ***, then trying to be friends
I know what I am to you
I’m the outline of something you want me to do
And I’ll be that
Til you tell me you like him now this week you're busy
And my “I like you”s once again become anybody’s
                                       “anybody”s
I can’t be mad
I’d agreed
But when you leave your **** point her to the place of platonic playmates
Where she doesn’t have to **** to feel like she’s friends
In the end company always tastes like smoke or skin

I wish I were a rose
Or a peony
Or a ****, for that matter
Maybe then you'd notice me

I want to find a stranger
And tell them that I exist
And that I was looking for them
I want to ask them how they’re hurting
And what makes them smile like sunshine
And feel like it too
Who made them who they are now
What are they trying to be
And I want to care
And I want them to care back
And I want to be with this stranger
So they won’t be so strange anymore

I can hear you
I hear your smiles your eyes are digging into my mind
And pulling apart every vein
Draining the blood out of my frown
And you drown me in your laughter
I can't stand to hear the banter Give me your pocket knife
And my ears will disappear along with the voice of your happiness
Because I'm all I've got
And from the next room, I sit in darkness and rain
While you emit light from each tooth you can't contain
I'm tired of draining
You seep through the cracks of my door and penetrate every pore of me
And I'm not myself anymore
I'm your laugh
I'm your eyes
I'm the violence
I'm the solitude



I'm the solitude

Your hair was fabricated of butterflies
Gently fluttering each wing
So even when you were still, you were always in motion
And never alone
But one day, one by one, your precious butterflies began to depart
And they left you in pure emptiness
But oh, my darling, you still weren’t alone
For I held that pearl in my hands
And I kissed your fading lips
Because love, I never would have known how much I needed you
Till I realized your butterflies never did

All I want
Is
Control
And Baby that's not so much to ask for

You are fast cars and fast *****
that are almost not worth it
that I almost rethink before you're in between my teeth
And we start exchanging bones
I want to inhale your grey smoke, breathe in your breath out
I'll wear your hand on my neck; I do love a challenge
That's why I love you

Tattoo the imprint of your jeans on my thighs
I want my eyes to be just as blue
I just want my eyes to be made of you
So when you leave, I'm left in slow motion
Rewinding you til we are both back
in the passenger seat of your Cadillac
Driving each other

Put your hands on my waist, your nails in my skin
The harder you squeeze the more I know you need me
And Darling, I'm bleeding
I know I'm something when I'm smiling
I'm something when I'm yours

I wanna text you
I wanna text you
I wanna reach through my phone and hold onto you
Because you're slipping away
And I'm not okay
And I haven't forgotten you were the first one I fell in love with
But you have
And now I feel so ******* crazy
For everything I say
In a half-mad, half-drunken rage
Because I miss you
I miss you
I can't stop rereading those messages you sent
when I felt like you actually cared
and shared your feelings
I just don't know anymore
I don't know
You
or you're life
or you're new girlfriend you've put in front of everyone else
Everyone
Else

I used to call you love
But now I can't call you anything
Or any time
You're not mine
But I wish you could be something