just a brick out of the wall
a pebble falling down a hillside
a raindrop in the levy
a whisper of wavering trust
and im on my knees
waiting to see who will win
my faith
or
my shotgun

A day without sleep I finally nap
Awoke at four in the afternoon
And, oh boy, do I need more sleep
As my eyes keep trying to close up
And send me back to violent dreams

I took a walk today
One and a half miles
To where I work all day
Walked past a line of crows
Sitting on a telephone wire
Giving me curious looks
Because every step
Was downhill all the way
Like a metaphor of my life
I raged on the inside
Until I got to the office
And got to work

Maybe I'll get better
Maybe I won't
Maybe I'll take a chance
Maybe I'm too scared
Maybe I'll move on
Maybe I'm forever stuck
Maybe I'll change
Maybe I'm the same
Maybe there's too much I
Maybe it's not all about me
Maybe I should open my eyes
Maybe stitch up my heart
Certainly there's people hurting
Maybe I should help

"I’ll always hate my birthday, because it will always be the day I lost my best friend."


Those were the last words said to you,

Passed from my lips to the phone screen,

I didn’t feel the shotgun in my lap anymore,

Just needed a drink to feel okay, okay, again.



Again you’re on my mind like you’re in my life,

Stuck in my heart between anger and love,

Lost between the past and what was the present,

An ocean apart like the seams of my heart,

Pulled at the frayed prayers I once gave God,

God what have You done. . . ? I blamed You.



I blamed You but I made the choices I did,

Justified, rationalized, sweet white lies,

Honey on my lips laying in my coffin I died,

Me myself I focused always on I, I, I,

Self-centered but she was everything to me,

Why’d she hurt me when I just wanted help?



Take a step out of yourself and see it from her eyes,

You pushed her out it doesn’t have to matter why,

You used to be there for her, now all you do is say “hi”

Ask her how she’s doing but never be in her life,

You just criticized her choice in men,

Never asked if she had a choice,

Never asked if she wanted a choice,

You forced it down her throat all the **** time.



Empathy is your greatest gift but you removed her from it,

Couldn’t take the pain, I understand, but you didn’t walk in her shoes,

You loved her til you bled then didn’t touch her with a ten foot pole.



She needed you in her life,

She took me for granted,

I took her for granted,

I needed her in my life.



If I could have talked to you a week ago I would have told you how much I hated you for what you did.



I wish I could talk to you now, tell you how sorry I am that I let you down, tell you I forgive you, and let you know why I did what I did and ended up where I was at.



I’m sorry I hurt you, I have scars you gave me too. It was something we should have overcame together, we just hurt each other too much.

A poem... to give you... is it enough?

As my heart yields to your wounds, you have given me five hundred scars to wear; I will gladly bear another five hundred for you! Is it enough?

I have snatched away five hundred stars from the firmament above, slaying five hundred angels who guarded their celestial light! Is it enough?

Would five hundred days make any difference to you? To set my heels in the clay and march forward step by step to you until you saw my perseverance, is it enough?

Five hundred souls you have sifted through to discover just how inadequate they are for you. I ask you: is it enough?

**My heart is yours... is it enough?

I look at my memories of us
I give a little smile
We never had a relationship
But we shared one lonesome kiss
You had a boyfriend
I really didn't care
I loved you
You thought you loved me
We were closest of friends
Nothing between us
People gossiping about us
But they didn't know
Time took its toll though
That kiss had a poison
We drifted quickly
And the pain was too much
You moved on without me
And my heart went with you
I did my best to make it work
But you always chose someone else
So now I must say goodbye
I'll always be alone for you

Just a stupid tribute to my favorite candy!*

So many wonderful colors,
Forty-eight different flavors,
It's my favorite candy treat,
A whole jar full of them,
Makes me smile like the sun,
Every piece is so tasty,
So many flavor explosions in my mouth!

"All that is gold does not glitter; not all those who wander are lost; the old that is strong does not wither; deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J. R. R. Tolkien

Beat me up and break my skin
But I will not give in.

Tear my flesh and break my teeth
But I'm not going beneath.

Slash my heart and pierce my soul
But I won't go in that hole.

Put me in a casket and bury me
It won't make a difference, I refuse to flee.

I won't back down ever.

Love is rarely ever found, (I found you)
Instead,
Love is built. (We've built so much)
Built with a solid foundation,
Built with a design in mind,
Built with strong materials,
Love is built with hard work. (Sweat and sacrifice)
with willingness to sacrifice,
to be hurt.
Upholding one another
at our worsts. (Our hearts are strong enough)

Love isn't taken, but grown, (We've grown together)
Starting as a seed.
Nurtured in the rains
and sunlight
of life.
Roots strong enough not
to be uprooted by fiends. (I'll never leave you)
Delicate and tenderly, slow and steady.
Flourishing branches (We have flourished)
upholding the weight of grown love. (We've grown together)

Welcome to America
Land of the Mirage

You probably thought we were free over here
Had all of our liberties and rights
But we're tied down and *****
Without ever fighting a fight
Corruption is rife
Hypocrisy is rife
Freedom is oppressed
Liberties are exchanged
For false security
And you'd better fall in line
Keep your mouth shut
If you really want to
Keep your life

im struggling and still saying
its alright to depend on these words
even if dependence is no form of freedom
and former independence doesn't like to
be called out by his first name so he
writes like a ghost and ghosts his friends
like they're lost in the woods and looking
for him or at least his corpse
i guess that depends on how far his willpower
is willing to bend before becoming a coward
too afraid to respond it's all choked up
nothing in his (my) throat but smoke and
he (i) choke on the ash and fall on my (his) ***
trying to grab the rock to hold onto but it
crumbles in my (his) hand and he falls
to the echoes of my friends' calls
into the darkness and the darkness transforms
he and i into i and he
a split sewn together and fraying again
he isn't me but i can't help but
be him when i want to be me
so i turn back to words on
pages that bring some semblance
of comfort and a voice
to the chaos in his head
and taste the vitriol in my mouth
before spitting it back out
because it may be filling but
it has no sustenance beyond
what a fog can offer instead
so i step into the morning fog
away from him who
i've come to hate and love as much
as i hate him
so that maybe someday soon
i will love him more than i hate him
but until then it's cold this morning
and i hear my friends in the woods

Riding down this unknown road
Faint music on the radio
Lost in my thoughts
Looking for some clarity
Driving always helps
But I'm so **** tired
Didn't see the boy
Until it was too late
What have I done?!
I took a child's life!
I can't bear to see him
I speed off and flee
One look back
Tears in my eyes
But there was a turn in the road
I would've seen
If I wasn't looking back
But I awake and realize
It was only a dream

It's your loss, now. I gave you four whole years.
It's my loss too, but I've already paid my dues.
The best? Yes. Not the happiest, but certainly the best.
The best for us both, for sure.

You will always hold a place in my heart and I love you no less, but I love you in a different manner, now.
You're precious to me, more than family indeed; I'm moving on.
I'll be there for you no matter what and I'll never leave you.
You're friendship to me is more priceless than priceless, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
I love you, and this love is saying goodbye.

Laying low, just trying not to be noticed
Feeling slow, nothing coming into focus
Just a lazy day with no desire to socialize
So I'll just lay here and try to fantasize.

It's cold.
The steel barrel in your mouth,
Settled against your parched tongue.
The weight of the gun in your hand,
Heavy, unbalanced, not like you'd imagined.
No matter...

The tears fail to form as you apply the force needed to operate the trigger of the gun.
The taste of sulfur and ash overwhelm your palate as the explosion in your mouth forms.
Then the flames incinerate the skin inside of your mouth, causing pain that is indescribable, incomprehensible, travelling to the back of your throat.

The bullet spins upwards, crashing into the roof of your mouth with more force than you've ever felt, carving its way upward into your sinus cavities, causing pulses of burning waves all throughout your head.

The shockwave of the gun firing reaches your ear drums, bursting them immediately as you lose your equilibrium, becoming disoriented as blood fills your ears, trickling out the side.

Up, up, up, the bullet goes. Your mind is thinking about your mother, your father... the years you've spent on this earth.
The loves you've had, so precious in your eyes, as they were the world to you. You want to think you have no regrets, but the last milliseconds have obviously shown that you do, that you couldn't cope with fixing them.

Finally, the bullet reaches your brain, and your vision flashes in colors, breaking up and fading in and out. You're very confused as to what's going on, the people you see in your mind as your head lurches back and you can't feel the reason why. Wait, who are you? What's going on...?

Why am I dead?

Because my cries stopped falling on deaf ears,
And started sounding with a mute voice.

Though words fail to be found there is a fire burning between my ribs. Fed up and tired of the way my life is coming undone, I rage and depress at the same time. I'm sick of friends who will claim to be there for me then turn around and blame me for being the way that I am. I don't need anyone's judgement because believe me, I give myself more than enough. I'm sick of the way everyone I fall in love with already has another man in their life which results in either me being a homewrecker (because nothing stays in the dark forever) or another burnt ******* bridge I light up. How many women have said  I deserve to be loved by someone special then they disappear on me? Five? Ten? Twenty? **** it. How about the practical joke that is my faith? I claim Jesus as my savoir and still I live in the darkness, refusing to step into the light because I'm scared shitless of being exposed. Yeah, I follow God while having X amount of affairs, a total *** addict. I post this rant and rave because I simply cannot control my emotions anymore. I don't trust myself. I don't trust anyone. I just want to die alone and be alone. I don't know what I am doing. I just want to let it out.

"Hey, how are you you doing?"

"I'm doing okay..."

I'm okay because I cannot describe all the different ways I'm feeling apathetic.
And I give you that smile that hides all the hairline fractures in my heart.

Every wonderful longing is swallowed alive,
I'm transcending my emotional capacity to live and love.
All my cheer is shallow and without substance,
Naught more than a cooked marshmallow:
Sweet and crisp without any nourishment.

My wretched self allows me to suffer thus.
Isolated when never alone,
Alone when in true love,
Irreversibly broken,
Choking on my frozen dust.

Your truth is,
More fiction than,
Your ugly lies.

Your ugly lies,
Are more honest,
Than your truth.

For someone who craves darkness
For someone who lives in shadows
I sure am terrified of the dark...

Wanting to write a limerick
Feels like it's a gimmick
Just don't have the passion
Can't find my writing fashion
Just need to find my topic and pick it

Last night I had a dream,
A dream about you and I.
In that dream you loved me,
The way love was meant to be.
I wish we could have worked it out,
Because I love you more than my life.
Maybe one day you will change your heart,
And run straight into my open arms.

I still think of you,
And wish that you were here.
I broke my heart in two,
And gave you the bigger piece.
Then you were gone,
And I had to learn,
How to live my life,
With only half of my heart.

I tried writing a poem for you.
But just like the words that,
Get stuck,
In my throat when I try to tell you.
They never met the paper;
Lost somewhere in the pen...
Or maybe locked in my heart.

Loneliness has caught me in its poisonous grasp,
Settling and soaking into my damaged mind,
Rooting itself upon my admirable character,
Leeching away what is lovely about me.

I drain slowly away,
Like a leaking glass,
Drip drip drip
Down the crack,
Onto the ***** floor.

I'm throwing a party
And nobody is invited
Because I'm always alone
Forever and ever alone

I'm okay with alone
I don't even own a phone
Never rings anyways
Doorway's always empty

I lay alone in bed
And I realize my head
Is just as lonely as I
But I don't know why

I miss your silhouette in bed next to me at night.
I know you had to go, and I know you were right.
I still want you here to hold so tight.
You helped me through, healed me too
You held me together with duct tape and glue.
But now you're gone, gone away for good
No more embraces on my car's hood.
Here I am, simply wishing we were sweaty and naked, holding each other in our arms.
But it's too late...

Carve a little more
out of my heart
I'm not yet completely
empty of love...

Looks like I'm going down today,
    The words cannot form because of the pain.

Losing you, I lost my heart too,
    Shipwrecked on an island dashed against the rocks,
    Bloodshed and bruised, blackened and blue,
Losing you, I lost my heart too.

I'm sacrificing my memories to keep your face clear,
    Thinking of you tears apart my heart, the blood smears,
    Why'd you have to leave me in this desert heat?

How could your eyes possibly be blinded to my love?
    Did your heart never leap or overflow because of me?
    I gave you more than my love, I gave you more than all of me,
    I gave you my scars, my heart, my stars; why are we apart?

Maybe you'll wake up one day next to him,
    You'd wish he were me, and I wouldn't be there.

I'd be lost, wondering the mazes of my mind...
    Running from you.

All these words,
All these feelings,
I'm a madman
Yelling at mirrors
Scrabble pieces mixed up,
Fifty-Two cards shuffled,
I'm ******* insane
I don't know reality anymore

More distant more cold
The frigid waters freeze your fear
The frothy fog fades the shore
Swing low and stare at the stars
Ice halos around each twinkle
Born of broken wishes
Frost lays her sheet across your bones
There is no worry here for you
Be at peace and sink below
One with the salt and the sea