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Oct 2020 · 209
my body
ejb Oct 2020
my bed sheet is upside down and all I ever do is frown
my hands crack like dirt in a painstaking drought
the rain keeps on falling but it never hits the ground
my wrists act like a bridge from the dry land to the sea
the sea is big & bold & proud but I'm still afraid I'll drown
there are rocks upon my shoulders that pull them to the sky
my head is tilted to the left and everything feels wrong
my hair sits upon my neck and it catches what's inside
I won't close my eyes cause the darkness is too bright
if I can't hear every last sound I will never be calmed down
my throat is always dry from choking on my words
my collarbones went missing back in 2013
I found them back in June but all they ever do is ache
as the smoke fills my lungs it scares away the bugs
my heart is skipping every beat and it never takes a break
my stomach always churns but no pain ever feels the same
my hips can move with ease but hide inside their shirt
my legs are filled with sand and I want to clean them out
my knees are always tight as they knock across the ground
my ankles are slowly separating and cannot stay the same
my feet are made of sponges and cannot be exposed
I try to keep them covered but I feel trapped inside my socks
my body aches & shakes & screams
it's always talking right to me
but it's really good at lying while I turn from side to side
my skin is tangled up in thoughts
and there's a rats nest in my mind
I wrote this a while back to try and explain how my mind and body feel. A lot of this is related to my OCD and my arthritis.
Jun 2020 · 296
I'm afraid of my own hands
ejb Jun 2020
I'm afraid of my own hands

I cannot trust them
because I know were they've been
and it is hard to wash away the past

I try to hide them and keep them as far away from me as possible
to protect myself from them

but these are the hands that feed me
and bathe me
and touch me

I have to trust them but I can't
I'm afraid of my own hands
this is about my OCD
Jun 2020 · 235
hostas
ejb Jun 2020
I watched the hostas grow
as spring turned from the snow

I know that time has passed
but where did it go?

does it stroll past each day,
returning again and again
or does it change in speed
and move with the wind?

each day feels long and dull and lonely
but new leaves appear still, slowly

I thought that I would grow
during these days spent all alone.
but the hostas are far ahead of me

I'm glad I have more time to grow
quarantine was long & tiring
6/7/2020 4:15pm
May 2020 · 152
libra moon
ejb May 2020
i love the silence of a snowy winter night
where all you can hear is your breath and the crunch of the snow beneath your feet
the moon is in libra but tonight her beauty is covered by thick grey clouds
but still she is there
2/12/2020 9:00pm
May 2020 · 138
am I
ejb May 2020
am I the birds in the sky or the dew on the grass
am I the wind in the leaves or the mud on your shoes
am I the thistles in your garden or a prairie on a hill
am I the paws of a kitten or the gills of a fish
am I every person that's ever lived or no one at all

am I anger, am I joy, am I suffering, am I love

am I nothing or am I everything or something in between

am I me?
1/17/20 6:02pm
Trying to find myself
Feb 2020 · 179
venusian woman part 2
ejb Feb 2020
inside her there's a rumble, not a fire or a tornado
but a rumble that keeps her moving
but its soft and slow and is sometimes mistaken for stillness
but even when she is still I feel the pebbles rolling across the ground
she levitates above is all
but her roots connect thousands of acres
she knows everyone
she feels everyone
she hears everyone
but sometimes she gets lost in her own rumble and cannot hear herself
Feb 2020 · 175
venusian woman part 1
ejb Feb 2020
her eyes look so deeply into mine, I can feel the warm burn even when she's gone
I know she sees my soul and feels it
DEEP
inside

we can talk without speaking
we can feel without touching
we can know without seeing

every ounce of her is filled with the purist beauty I've ever known

she spins around my mind like a planet and makes me dizzy with lust

she is the moon, venus and all the stars and I will always be in awe
Feb 2020 · 72
the deepest heartbreak
ejb Feb 2020
one day someone will love me the way I love them

I loved you so deeply and tried to show you with everything I am. I trusted you and let you know every inch of my soul and every secret in my heart.

But you do not love me back.

And I am sad.

Really, I'm heartbroken and I miss you.

I don't want to lose you.

But I can't continue to love you or I'll lose you.

How do you get over a love as deep as this? I have never felt this way before. This all-encompassing love. I want nothing more than to kiss you and run my fingers through your hair.

But you do not love me back. And no amount of hair dye or sad songs will change that. I can cry to 100 romantic movies and wish for love but it will not change a thing.

One day I will run out of tears to cry. But I don't know if I can ever look into your eyes again. Because I can't see you and not love you. You are everything to me.

My heart is broken and I don't know what to do.

I haven't felt a love this strong before and god I just want you.
this all just poured out of me and now i'm crying
Feb 2020 · 67
Untitled
ejb Feb 2020
i can feel my heart breaking and there is nothing i want more than you
Jan 2020 · 35
am I
ejb Jan 2020
am I the birds in the sky or the dew on the grass
am I the wind in the leaves or the mud on your shoes
am I the thistles in your garden or a prairie on a hill
am I the paws of a kitten or the gills of a fish
am I every person that's ever lived or no one at all

am I anger, am I joy, am I suffering, am I love

am I nothing or am I everything or something in between

am I me?
i'm having an identity crisis
Jan 2020 · 140
venusian woman - part II
ejb Jan 2020
inside her there's a rumble, not a fire or a tornado
but a rumble that keeps her moving
but its soft and slow and is sometimes mistaken for stillness
but even when she is still I feel the pebbles rolling across the ground
she levitates above it all
but her roots connect thousands of acres
she knows everyone
she feels everyone
she hears everyone
but sometimes she get lost in her own rumble and cannot hear herself
Jan 2020 · 157
venusian woman - part I
ejb Jan 2020
her eyes look so deeply into mine, I can feel the warm burn even when she's gone
I know she sees my soul and feels it
DEEP
inside

we can talk without speaking
we can feel without touching
we can know without seeing

every ounce of her is filled with the purist beauty I've ever known

she spins around my mind like a planet and makes me dizzy with lust

she is the moon, venus and all the stars and I will always be in awe
Aug 2019 · 309
cigarettes
ejb Aug 2019
cigarettes taste like you
and I've never craved nicotine
but tonight, I miss you
Jul 2019 · 230
Untitled
ejb Jul 2019
every headache is cancer
every heartburn is a heart attack
every bug bite is poisonous

every thought is a boulder
every thought is a gong
every thought is a hundred

every breath is my last
every sleep isn't enough
every ache is never ending

every touch feels like more
all my pain is never ending
I can't take it anymore
OCD is exhausting
ejb Mar 2019
I envy the birds that glide fearlessly above the trees

I change my clothes three times a day because I feel uncomfortable staying in the same place

I love tall trees and honey bees

I bought a bunch of fruit that all went bad
and I feel like a disappointment to my dad

I've wasted so much time being sad and angry
but maybe I only have myself to forgive
for thinking I could be happy for once
a continuation of the first piece. this series contains a collection of somewhat poetic thoughts I had but was never able to turn into an entire poem
Mar 2019 · 1.4k
M
ejb Mar 2019
M
I wish I'd never wasted poems on you.
you don't deserve it
Mar 2019 · 354
deciding to stay
ejb Mar 2019
i fantasize about running away while i sanitize my hands in an attempt to feel clean, not just of germs but of this cage i'm in
i sigh as i rub my hands together and decide to stay
i'm suffocating and want to runaway
Sep 2018 · 364
you are woman
ejb Sep 2018
you are ****
you are beautiful
you are strong
you are woman
you are heavenly
you make me weak in the knees
you are loveable
you are fuckable
i want you
i need you
you make me crazy
you are exactly as you should be
i haven't been feeling very **** or feminine recently and it's been bringing me down a little so i wrote this to remind myself that i am a **** *** ***** and deserve to feel that way. And i think it's a nice reminder for all the woman out there who sometime forget just how amazing they truly are.
Sep 2018 · 306
in my dreams
ejb Sep 2018
in my dreams you want me
in my dreams you love me
every night in my dreams i hold you and kiss you and tell you i miss you
in my dreams we are happy
in my dreams we are perfect and free

but when i wake up, you are gone
when i'm awake i am scared
when i'm awake we are busy
when i'm awake i don't know how you feel
when i'm awake i can't tell you i want you

but at least in my dreams you are mine
i just want you so bad but we never get enough time alone for me to tell you.
May 2018 · 297
weightless
ejb May 2018
It has taken me a long time to heal
And I am still getting better
But I have grown

I again am filled with hope

Again there is room for love

I am not afraid of dying alone

I feel capable and worthy and free
I finally feel lovable again
May 2018 · 272
someone new
ejb May 2018
i can't help but smile
and hope
and dream
and long for what could be
why does it take me .02 seconds to catch feelings
Apr 2018 · 404
chains
ejb Apr 2018
I am a lot to handle.

I come draped in chains.

I do my best to hide them so that maybe people will love me.

But I am not me without these chains.

So they can never really love me if they never see who I really am.

But I am a lot to handle.

And I fear the chains will weigh us both down.

But they are my chains to carry.


How will someone love me when I'm sad.
How will someone love me when I'm mad.
How will someone love me when I'm panicking and crying and screaming and do not wish to be touched.
How will someone love me when I lose control.

How can I stop them from seeing, if I can't control it.
I can't contain it.
I can't stop it.

How will someone love me with these chains.
My mental health is exhausting and debilitating. How will anyone understand and love me for everything I am.
Jan 2018 · 611
I am not the one for You
ejb Jan 2018
I understand now that I am not the one for You,
But that hasn't stopped Me from loving You.

I know that I am not enough for You.
There is something that He gives You that I never can,
But that hasn't stopped Me from wishing that I could.

In my mind, You are still the one for Me;
The only one I need,
My everything.
But that's not how You see Me.

I understand now that I am not the one for You,
But it hasn't stopped Me from loving You,
And I don't know what to do.
01/08/18  2:04 pm
Jan 2018 · 326
court date
ejb Jan 2018
you still tear him down
you try and manipulate me to do the same
i don't think you know how much that hurts
you can't do that to me
you can't do that to me
just because you don't love him anymore doesn't mean i can't
he's still my dad

it still hurts sometimes
that you couldn't wait
you couldn't even wait for the court date

i asked if you were seeing him and you told me "no"
but i knew it was a lie
then one month down the line you proved me right
and it was no surprise
how dumb do you take me for

it still hurts sometimes
that you couldn't wait
you couldn't even wait for the court date
06/05/17 - this one is about my parents divorce and how my mom got back together with her ex before the divorce was even final and all of my resentment towards her for it
Jan 2018 · 281
the eighteenth
ejb Jan 2018
i roll out of bed
it's the 18th again
another months gone by
and i still cry
i still miss you
my feed tells me other do too
i listen to that song and then
it cuts me open again

so i go for a drive
just to feel alive
i drive past your home
so i don't feel alone
i drive down to the park
and stay till it's dark
and i think about you
oh if you only knew

why'd you choose that day
why did you give it all away
i wonder if you had stayed
could things have changed
could you have seen that we loved you so much
or was your mind made up
do you know how hard that was
why'd you do that to us
05/22/17
Jan 2018 · 266
shooting star
ejb Jan 2018
I forgot how many stars were in the sky
so I drove out of the city to see them
and I looked up so far, for so long,
that my neck cramped up

I saw a shooting star and wished for you
and I hope that somewhere
you are wishing on that shooting star for me too
07/08/16
ejb Jan 2018
the sheets won't stay on my bed and my thoughts won't stay in my head.

I think I ran over a frog with my car and I still feel guilty.

I love lilac trees and coffee beans.

there's crumbs in my bed and I still can't get you out of my head and I slept on a Kit Kat wrapper all night.

my chia pet never grew and I'm still dreaming about you.

I'm just a mess of feelings and I don't know what to do.
these are all really random but i wrote them down at some point so I think they deserve to be shared
Jan 2018 · 488
cinnamon
ejb Jan 2018
my skin is warm but my body is cold
my eyes are tired and my soul is longing for you
cinnamon is sweet but sometimes it burns
and so do you
10/10/17 - I wrote this at 3am, drunk on fireball
Sep 2017 · 1.0k
OCD
ejb Sep 2017
OCD
my body is covered in glass
and germs
and slivers
they're overcoming me
and destroying me
i see and feel them everywhere
they will not go away

none of it's real
part of me knows it true
but it cannot stop the pit in my chest

i am covered in glass and germs and slivers
and they're killing me
Jun 2017 · 330
poison
ejb Jun 2017
everyone who meets her can't help but fall in love with her
her poison infects us all and we drink too much too willingly
May 2017 · 382
longing
ejb May 2017
my body yearns for your touch
my lips tingle at the thought of kissing you and won't stop until I do
i want you
Jan 2017 · 406
here we go again
ejb Jan 2017
i can feel my heart beating in my chest
Jan 2017 · 653
car rides
ejb Jan 2017
i fell in love when you drove me home
the world outside so monochrome
we listened to your favorite songs
and i watched you sing along

we drove and drove so fast we flew
i turned my head to look at you
i've never seen you look so free
and then you smiled back at me

we laughed for hours on end
down every turn and every bend
had no idea how far we'd roam
i fell in love when you drove me home

you are so beautiful
i'm noticing more than usual

you are so smart
just trust yourself, sweetheart

you are so kind
you shine so bright i might go blind

you heart is bigger than the moon
i hope you realize that soon

i fell in love when you drove me home
you used your fingers as a comb
i used your jacket as a pillow
we watched the sunset through the window

we talked about our favorite poetry
and how we think that the world should be
we sat there for hours
i've wished so long for a love like ours

i hope you see how great you are
i've have the best times in your car
you are so sweet like honeycomb
and i fell in love when you drove me home
i wrote this about how i hope someone who loves me will think of me and how they'll fall in love with me so i could show myself that i can be loved and i am worthy of love
May 2016 · 475
im learning to be okay
ejb May 2016
life confuses me
you confuse me
me and you we spent some time away from each other
and I hated it
but it was good
but now we've grown closer again and I realized I'd forgotten how much I enjoy spending time with you
I forgot how much I love you
but I don't love you like I used to
I don't think I ever truly know how I feel
all I know is I always fall way too hard way too fast and usually end up disappointed
but im trying to learn to be okay
I'm trying to learn to manage and control my feelings
and for the most part I think it's working
but hearing about you two still makes me upset and uncomfortable sometimes but I don't know why
and I wish it would stop
but I'm thinking that it won't
and I'm thinking that I'm going to have to learn to be okay with that
you still confuse me sometimes
but I'm learning to be okay
Jan 2016 · 481
feelings
ejb Jan 2016
once again I'm in love with the idea of love only this time I haven't chosen a victim
all I know is a want to love someone but I'm just a mess of feelings and I don't know what to do
Dec 2015 · 395
new love
ejb Dec 2015
it's one a.m. and I'm laying in bed
curled up in the nice warm sweater we bought together
and wearing the lace underwear that you love so much
I'm listening to songs about love that is new
and I just wish that I could do all of this with you
im back and I've found someone new
Jul 2015 · 645
missed opportunities
ejb Jul 2015
i've missed too many opportunities
i'm afraid i don't have many left
i'm so terrified of ******* up that i do nothing at all
i've missed too many opportunities
but this time i'm gonna do it right
this time i'm not gonna run away
this time it's gonna work out okay

i am not gonna **** this one up
or at least I hope I don't
update: i did
Jun 2015 · 2.4k
a years gone by
ejb Jun 2015
a years gone by since I realized I loved you
and everything has changed

a years gone by
and I finally don't love you

a years gone by
and I realized that maybe I never even loved you at all

a years gone by
and the idea of you still sounds great

a years gone by
but I don't really love YOU

a years gone by
and I've wasted it thinking about you

a years gone by
and I'm no longer filled with hope

a years gone by
and all I am is sad and confused  

a years gone by
and I'm still falling apart

a years gone by
and I'm still just as confused and afriad as I was on day one

a years gone by
and nothing's changed

a years gone by since I realized I loved you
and I still don't know what to do
ejb Apr 2015
sixteen thoughts from my sixteenth birthday

1. you're more beautiful than the sky

2. you're the smartest person I know

3. you understand

4. you make me happier than anyone else on earth

5. ******* you are beautiful

6. you treat me like a queen

7. I'd treat you like one too

8. I'll treat you a million times better than some ******* ever could

9. all I want to do is hold you and make sure you're alright

10. you're amazing

11. GOD I WANT YOU SO BAD

12. I THOUGHT I WAS OVER YOU BUT ******* IT IM NOT

13. EVERYTHING HAS GONE SPIRALING BACK

14. IM SO IN LOVE WITH YOU

15. BUT YOULL NEVER LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU AND THE PAIN IS COMING BACK AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO

16. ******* IT WHY AM I STILL SO IN LOVE WITH YOU
Mar 2015 · 449
not again
ejb Mar 2015
IM IN LOVE AGAIN
WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESNT LOVE ME
I WANT HIM SO BAD IT PHYSICALLY HURTS
IT HURTS SO BAD
BUT I JUST GOT OVER AN UNREQUITED LOVE
I DONT WANNA DO IT AGAIN
NOT AGAIN
I CANT HANDLE ANYMORE OF THIS PAIN
I JUST WANNA BE FREE
I JUST WANNA BE OKAY
I JUST WANNA BE MYSELF AGAIN
IM NOT THE SAME WITH THIS PAIN
IM NOT THE SAME
I AM NOT OKAY
I AM NOT OKAY AGAIN
OH ******* IT
NOT AGAIN
I don't have the strength for this anymore
Feb 2015 · 670
i am no longer in love
ejb Feb 2015
i am no longer in love
and i cannot write poetry
i am no longer in love
and my inspiration is gone
i am no longer in love
but i am happy
i am no longer in love
and I've finally moved on
i am no longer in love
and i am proud of it
i am no longer in love
and i can finally start anew
i am no longer in love
but my writing has turned to ****
i am no longer in love
and i don't know what to do
ejb Feb 2015
if i could i would marry the sky
Feb 2015 · 373
fourteen words
ejb Feb 2015
if one day i go blind i hope it's from staring at the sun.
Jan 2015 · 346
fifty miles
ejb Jan 2015
i'm fifty miles from home and i am full of disappointment and confusion
part of me just wants to curl up into a ball on my bed and never leave
and the other part of me wishes they could go back in time and change so many things

i'm fifty miles from home and i feel like i'm fifty miles away from everything i want and i am miserable
it's been a rough day
Dec 2014 · 1.3k
unrequited love
ejb Dec 2014
YOURE SO BEAUTIFUL AND ALL I WANT IS YOU AND I AM POSITIVELY IN LOVE WITH YOU BUT ITS UNREQUITED LOVE AND IT HURTS SO BAD AND IM SO SICK OF ALL THIS PAIN AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OR WHY IM STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU
I don't even know what to ******* do anymore and I'm breaking down
Dec 2014 · 1.5k
winter
ejb Dec 2014
when the sun goes down i think of you more and the pain grows stronger

maybe that's why i hate winter so much

because the darkness comes sooner

and everytime it comes I find my self thinking

"isn't it too early for this pain"
WHY AM I STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU
Dec 2014 · 565
elephants part two
ejb Dec 2014
today i realized that the elephants are gone
and i am free
from 12/17/14
ejb Dec 2014
i don't play my music loud anymore

because there are too many voices screaming in my mind and i'm afraid if i listen to anything else the noise will be too much and i'll explode
sometimes it's all just too much
Nov 2014 · 560
one way ticket
ejb Nov 2014
I bought a one way ticket to you
but half way there i found out you didn't want me
and all i wanted was for that ******* train to turn around and go back
but the train was already going full spead ahead

so now here i am sitting on this train begging for a way to get off regretting ever getting on in the first place

but the only reason i want to come off is because i know what's coming at the end of these tracks
i thought that maybe we'd take a different route and everything will be okay but it's not

i've already bought my one way ticket to you but you've hoped on another train going the opposite direction

i run up and down the train trying to find an exit
maybe we'll pass another train i can jump onto
but when the next train passes and i can't do it

because i know that all i want is you

i've bought my ticket and there's no going back
ejb Nov 2014
some feelings just never go away

when you love someone you always will love them

even when you think you're over them and that everything's fine one day you'll see them and they'll make you smile and everything will come rushing back

when you realize you love someone you never look at them quite the same way again you can try and try but there will always be something that stops you

you never really stop loving people but i hope one day you'll meet the person you love most of all and all those other loves will seem so insignificant to this one that it won't even matter

but even when that day comes and you meet your special someone all those other loves will still be there in the back of you're mind

because some feelings just never go away
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