From a young age I knew
there was a man and a woman out there, complete strangers,
who were, biologically, my grandparents.
I knew my chances of meeting them were exactly zero to none.
The parents who took my dad home that day were his parents
And that was done.

Before me sat a grandmother, and the spirit of a grandfather passed,
who loved me more than any stranger-grandparent ever could
who was there for every dance recital, every holiday, every mistake, every success
who, though I bore no resemblance, watched me grow right before her eyes
who swore the Easter bunny left treats at her house for me--
even when I was beyond the years of belief.
Always wearing a  sweatsuit and gold stud earrings,
with an added neck-scarf and red lip for special occasions.
Telling tales of the "poor dear" animal she saw
Dead on the side of the road--
Sad enough, you'd think it was her own.
Church every Sunday and the shirt off her back,
Had you asked.

This woman I explain
Shares no blood, but, a surname.
I love her just the same
If not more
Than any grandmother
Genetics had in store.

She's a part of who I am,
though not in my DNA.
Nature versus Nurture:
Nurture wins again.
She taught me:
Strength, grace, humility, selflessness, generosity, and patience
Without sharing one biological thread
By example she lead
And I continue to follow
In her footsteps.

I was a child of the river. Always living within walking distance of the restless water, the uneasy docks, and the anchors that kept the boats steady. Even as the current smacked against the starboars, the sailboats would waiver but never fall. I admired their tenacity. A child of the river: strong but restless; the anchor and the starboard; a suburban sadness-- a yearning for something beyond the river, but too weighed down to sail. A child of the river, stuck in a stagnant town.

Distant as a ship,
Cliche as it is,
That’s what I’ve become.
Trapped inside a snowglobe
Just looking out,
Filled with crippling doubt.
I try, but for what? For who?
I put myself last on the “to do”.
People-pleaser is all I’ll ever be--
It’s my safety,
It’s what I know.
So, when the globe gets too cold
That’s where I go.
When I cannot please,
I turn in on me.
Low as low can be.
Oh the monotony.

Vaccuum-sealed sorrow
Cancer's curse
I wait for tomorrow
Hope it doesn't get worse

A parasite to the soul
No one has control
They let the poison in
But the tumor grows ag'in

Until they finally cease
Like a dog with fleas
Treatment is over
Nothing left to do

Except wait

Wait until the parasite consumes you
Eats you whole
There's nothing left
The mare leaves her foal

Where do I put all this pain?
Is there a box made of steel
Where I can lock away all the hurt I feel?

How about a vault?
Or some kind of hidden chest?
Where I can throw away all my feelings
Except the best

I squirm with anger
Out of all control
Why do I let you do this to me?
A stallion to his foal
Would never kick with such force-
Leave a mark like this, a permanent bruise.

It’s been five years
And now you want to change?
Too little too late,
But you expect me to jump on board
Your sinking ship
With no hesitation,
Well, that I just can’t afford.

Because I’ve played that game
And lost over and over again.
There’s nothing left of me to lose this time-
My life is just on the mend;

I can’t weather another break in my sail,
Or my ship will go down
Right along with yours.
That’s what I fear most, more than “if I fail”.

You would like that though, wouldn’t you?
A companion to pull you all the way through
To the dark side--
Someone to blame
For all your mistakes
And for your downfall too.

I plead you to stop,
To just leave me out,
To take my feelings into consideration for once.

Instead, you strike repeatedly, causing blunt
Force trauma straight to my brain.
All this round-about
Is making me insane.

Too many forced rides
On this ferris wheel of terror,
Take me round and round,
Rock the carriage.

I beg for an escape,
But you always want more
Than I can take.

You come and go as you please
And you want my heart’s door to be wide open
Whenever you decide to return with ease?

Well honey it aint that easy-
Your turn to feel the burn,
The burn of being left
Alone
To fight life on your own.

Pretend like you don’t know the pain you made.
Go ahead, tell me it’s not a mistake.

“Could’ve should’ve would’ve”.
I’ve had all I can take.

Just let me be.
Can’t you see?
You’ve caused more than enough misery.

I can’t fight you anymore.
My knuckles, they’re getting too sore.
Forget about my heart-- it’s on the floor.

You want to play these emotional games,
But I’m through.
God didn’t know what He did to me
When he gave me to you.

Go on, live your life,
And I’ll live mine.
I’ve told you this already once before-
I mean it this time...

Goodbye.

Please parent me from 3,000 miles away
on your ten minute break
text me questions
Make small talk
Remind me of every little mistake
It’s quite endearing.

That’s all the time you have for me
Unsettling how
In those 10 minutes you turn my world upside-down
Make me feel like a child again
Incapable, helpless, scolded
Certain words bolded
In your messages filled with regret and hate
For four years straight
It’s getting pretty old now
Your words getting colder now
Still don’t know how
You get away with it all
Make me fall
For your fatherly charm
It quickly turns into words of knives
Just as I disarm
And let you back in
You break me down again
Emails telling me just how horrible I am
My friends are left to pick up the pieces
Again and again and again

Each time I think
Maybe he’s changed
Maybe it’ll be different
Maybe he loves me, misses me
Maybe he’s the daddy I used to know
The danger of my maybes:
They never become his truth
As he sweet talks his way back in
Then takes a shot in the dark
With his military aim and malicious heart
“I love you
How’s school?
Congratulations!
I’m so proud!”
Then I blink.
“Grow up!
Stop blaming everyone else
I cried because you didn’t call
You’re selfish, you’re jealous
You don’t know how to love
You don’t understand
If I didn’t run away from you I would be dead”

This pattern is getting old
Tiring my heart and soul
Building up my wall
Blocking people out
Because of the way your text SHOUTS
I am the target of your regret
You are a fine shooter--
Always manage to get
A bull’s-eye
Straight to my heart,
Then the tears start
For days on end.
I am a crying criminal;
A walking zombie in someone else’s life.
I believe all that you say
You’re my father
Shouldn’t you tell me the truth?
So I really must be all those things
It’s all my fault
I’m a bad daughter
A selfish person
The me that I knew is all lies
My own father hates me
So everyone else should too

I think you confused your job description with that of an ex-lover.
You were supposed to break my fall, not my heart.

You smashed it into pieces,
Left me shattered and alone.
I have never even broke a bone-
Only a few minor tears.
Until that moment
You left me standing there.

You went and ruined my winning streak,
Left my festering wounds bare
With nothing left to heal-
Insides exposed and eroded
For some unlucky soul to clean.

Build the preverbal wall higher and higher
With every word, every message.

Release your beast
To mess with my head again.

Hide behind email
And call it a relationship.

Stare at pictures on your screen
And pretend to know the real me.
Make up stories
That you start to believe.

Harass my friends
That you tried to deceive.

I don’t deserve a father like you,
You don’t deserve a daughter like me.

You want a happy family?
It seems you’ve found one.

You made your choice
The same way you’d make a bed:
quick and without a second thought,
pick up, throw down, and move on to the next.

Finally face it, you made your own decision
So lay in it.

Bask in your pride,
In the company of your sweet new bride.

Bask in the sun
While your soul comes undone
With sorrow and regret.
Then just push it all onto me-
Pretty please.

Give me a reason to hold on to the scrap of crap that’s left,
Something to call my own,
Something positive to share-
A fun story
Of a father’s love for his daughter:
How he rose from the ashes
To save her
From this life she’s drowning in.

I pray you pull a Peter Parker,
A pleasant surprise-
'My dad the hero'
Come to my rescue at long last.

Whisk me away
to a warm and sunny place,
where it rains sugar drops,
and not a hurtful word is spoken-
then, only then, will the spell be broken.

My heart put back together again,
our relationship on the mend-
the air filled with laughter
time to wake up now Alice
from all these nonsensical dreams
no happily ever after.

There is no excuse
For any technical glitch

You “dont want to do this anymore”
Well neither do I
That’s why I sad “goodbye-
call me when you’re ready to apologize”

Finally you rang, and I answered...

To find no apology, just an earful of blame
No love, just a vacant flame.
A torch to my heart—
You lit the fuse
There goes any hope I had
Of me and you

Talk in circles for hours on end
How does this help mend
The relationship you claim you want?

Every word that falls from my lips
You somehow manage to flip--
Make yourself the victim,
When it was all your decisions
That left me alone and broken.

Years of words unspoken
Forced a gap, 3,000 miles wide
No way to know what’s going on inside
That cold vessel that you call a heart.
A shot in the dark.
A hope, and a loss.

You wanted to die
It was all my fault, so you say.
You admit it’s not a sound thought,
Then you close off like a vault
When I plead you to get help
Or we’re through.

Keep on singing the blues,
I’m not taking the heat
Sing away into the night
No longer will I fight.
Not for you, not about you, you never you.
No more.

My head pounds,
But my heart is still--
Content with this closure,
Content the battle’s over.

There was no winner--
Though you may claim the title,
It is I who will live her life
While you sit idle,
Wondering about the daughter
You left behind.
Keep on rocking that silly guise.

Two out of three of your children won’t speak to you
Because of all you put us through,
But you insist you’re in the right.
You claim you don’t want to fight,
When all you do is add fuel to the fire.
Now I realize, you’re nothing more than a liar.

Leave me when it’s convenient for you
Now all the sudden you’re stuck to me like glue,
Spinning negativity and hate.

I ripped at the seams
To set myself free.
Put myself together again
Without your help,
With all my true friends.

I’ll watch my back,
Thanks for the warning.
You’ll be awfully sorry
come the morning.

I said my piece,
But you couldn’t hear--
Ignorance has made you deaf, my dear.

Congratulations on your perfect life.
You live yours and I’ll live mine.
I’m surrounded by love,
you’re alone in the desert dust.

One confession: what you did was wrong.
One word: an honest “Sorry”.
One admittance: you caused me pain for so long.
You denied it all.
I felt my heart fall
And my head clear:
You’re not a changed man-
Exactly what I feared.

Glad I gave you one last chance
It’s a shame you’re too stubborn to see
All that you’ve lost
By losing me.

I'm not sure I believe in God.
At a time I did.
Former Catholic school girl in a crisis of faith. How much more cliche could I get?
I want to believe. Life and death would be much cleaner if I did.
But where is my God now? How is it that He can be so far away?
He asks for so much faith and trust... but I don't see a single sign of Him. I didn't find Him when I cried out for help. I didn't see Him in my Aunt's dying face. And I haven't seen Him since.

Where is He now? Floating high up on a cloud, in heaven, in glory, in a happier place than we can imagine.
Well I'm here on the ground, in a specific kind of hell that I have found. And I've asked Him for guidance, to show me His way. But all I get is an empty dial-tone, the rattle of a hollow subway. All on my own I go. With no answer. No help. No ethereal "sign". Where is He when I need Him?

Gone. Like every other man I've known.
Click click click I hear the echo of a vacant businesswoman with no soul. And I think.... maybe that's the way to go. Ice cold. Freeze everyone out.
Accept that life goes until it stops. My heart's beating until it's not. And that's the end of my road.

Maybe there are no angels, no gates of gold, no warm and sunny afterlife paradise.
But there's no way to know for sure. I toe the line, stay on the fence, until God decides to answer, call me, or send me a text.
Waiting for a breakthrough. Begging to be found.
Hey God, can you hear me now?

I don’t want to be something. I want to be everything.

An artist, a dreamer, a worker, a keeper.

An owner, a manager, a helper, a fighter.

To be my whole self in world that tirelessly tries to make me choose

One

Single

Passion.

That is the dilemma.

The mess you made?
I was left to clean.
I scrubbed it spotless,
While you skipped 3,000 miles
Like a rotten fiend.

You’re a shadow of the man I thought you were--
Or who I had hoped you were, at least.

Every good deed you’ve done
Has been thrown back in my face
As proof of your love.
While every mistake I made
You never forgave.

Consider these my parting words
Because, finally, I’m done

I can’t take the constant abuse.
The emptiness I feel has no use.
Forever *******
By life’s vicious wheel
Of misfortune.

I hope you’re happy with your new life
That's not any part of mine.

Since I’ve been such an awful daughter
it’s not a huge loss now, is it?

Didn’t think you’d admit it.

But I’m far better than you, you see--
I gave you countless chances
And let you back in.

I believed that you changed,
But you proved me wrong.

I wish you well,
I really do.

No matter what you may think,
Part of me will always love you.
You’re my father, my blood, after-all.

But you left me,
So why wouldn’t anyone else?
I play that game constantly with myself-
Shut down. Turn off.

When it comes to relationships,
It’s living hell
To get the real me
To come out of this hardened shell
That you helped me build.
Quite a lonely guild.

I’ll fight every urge to mistrust men,
But walking down the wedding isle
My arm will bend
With no hand to hold.
I’ll face the world alone--
Exactly the way you left me,
The way you wanted it.

This is everything you asked for, isn’t it?

So I’ll be the bigger person for one last time:
I wish you well;
Goodbye.

You want to play this game? Bring on the pain.
Because I’ve been there, done that. It’s always the same:

I’m “immature” and a “spoiled brat”,
You blame me for the life you have.
Push comes to shove it’s too **** bad.

The picture perfect life you lack
Has faded to black.

You’re alone now,
You cut all your ties--
You’re chilled to the bone anyhow.
You left without so much as a “goodbye”.

Now sit and suffer the consequences
Of your own actions
And leave me in peace.

The beating vessel in my chest
Literally aches. Yours does too, I’ll bet.
But I, unlike you, am without regret.

All this wear and tear could **** if I’d let
It. But that’s the beauty of it all:
I won’t answer misery’s call.

I’m done with these foolish games.
You can sit behind your computer screen
And judge me from 3,000 miles away.
That’s perfectly fine with me.

You don’t know the person I’ve become.
I picked up all your broken pieces,
And now I’m finally done.

The last straw
Has been laid.
The price? I’ve already paid:
Countless tears and 20 years of an empty ache.

Take all you misery out on me,
Go right ahead
(I’m not listening).

And when I lay in bed
I will sleep like a baby,
Knowing you caused your own pain
And thinking, just maybe,
You'll realize all your mistakes.
Too little, too late.
I’m done.

Remember when I saw the good in life?
Remember when I saw through the haze?
Remember when I hated sitting idly for days?
Those times are over. Done.
All I want to do is float, coast
Painless, without feeling
Numb is fine
Numb is safe
Numbness is mine
To have and to hold
Always reliable and guaranteed
Never let me down, no need

I can’t explain it.
A dream deferred:
Forced to observe,
Live vicariously through people
For the rest of my life.
Watch, facilitate, no thanks.
What can you do in life
If you can’t do all that you’ve dreamed?
Sit and swallow it?
Try to believe?
I’m just coasting through,
Trying to find my way,
But my way is filled with potholes,
***** traps, and rattlesnakes.
Doesn’t my head realize-
It’s my heart that’s at stake?

So you have an email that won’t get to me
So you have a life that’s fancy-free
So you have some dogs and mis’rable wife too
So you have your gun
And you have your excuse

So you have a few pictures, pictures of me
So you have some fake little stories
So you have new family and the sun’s shining too
So you have your addiction
And you have your excuse

Excuses, excuses
I’m so tired.
Excuses, excuses

They’re not enough to unbreak my heart
And they’re not enough to heal these scars
You went with the wind, changed my world
You left with no sign, not even goodbye
No apology, just a lie

So I’m supposed to let it go
So I’m supposed to be the adult
So I’m supposed to forgive and forget
How can I if you don’t regret it
Breaking my heart, weaving your lie
Spitting your words, making me cry
Cry, cry, cry, cry

How can I forgive? you’re not sorry.
How can I live? you took my life.
How can I believe you? all you do is lie.
How can I?

I’ve been hurt more than anyone should
All at your hand
So now it’s goodbye, goodbye for good.

I don’t want to sleep
I can’t control my dreams
Not sure what I’d do
if I dream a dream of you

You held me close
Most of my life
Consoled my cries
Kept me in line

Made me laugh
With silly faces
and ridiculous rhymes
Made me fall in love
With all things art and music
Showed me how to make a wish
And never lose it

I never got to say thank you
For all you taught me about life
You were here one day
Gone the next- in mind
You slowly slipped
For almost a decade
We all watched you fade
But now you’re bright and free

The last time I saw you
I knew.
You reached for my hand
You couldn’t use your words,
So you used your eyes,
To tell me you loved me
And to say goodbye

I’ll forever treasure the moments we had
On Palmer Ave:
You’d sneak me sugar-coated strawberries
Along with a “Shh…Don’t tell your mom”
Peach ice cream in the summer
And a Gingerbread house in the winter.
Always ready for a game of Go Fish
Or a puzzle-- done from the outside edges in.
The door was always open for friends and family
Especially during Christmastime
With your decorations and cookies-a-plenty

You’d give the shirt off your back
All anyone had to do was ask
You’d be there in a heartbeat
Family is forever
So remember to stay together
Never lose sight
Of what really matters.

When you die
The legacy you leave behind
Will live forever in the hearts you touched
And the souls you changed.
For all this I thank you, Grandma
Every single day.

Stuck in a world,
Living vicariously through others.

In a snow globe of disaster,
Looking out at the happiness that surrounds me.

Even in my dreams
I don’t give myself the things I need.
How am I supposed to make amends
With the life I lead?

The life I could’ve had-
Shot down and broke apart.

Didn’t even give it a second chance, and I call it my dream?

You’d think I’d to anything
To salvage what I could

But I didn’t, I just couldn't
So, lost and miserable I stood

Settling for less every day since,
Hoping the dream was just a dream
And it would pass.

What scares me most:
I’m starting to think I can do it--
I can have my dream.

I was so comfortable just believing
It was a far off fantasy

But now I think
'Why not me?'

She wears it well—
Better than any designer label.
Her eyes shimmer
With the slightest tear,
And a lifetime of tragedy.
She keeps it together,
Musters a smile,
And a “thanks for coming”.

She wears it well.

A hug and a kiss,
An “I’m sorry for your loss, miss”.
A thankful nod back
Into her practiced shell.
She wears it well—
Grief, that is.

But I’ll always live in your shadow…

so long as there’s a moon,
so long as there’s self-pity
and dark thoughts in your head,
so long as I live here in this house,
in this room,
in this bed.

People are not your puppets,
Your puppets for play.
They won't sing,
Sing your pains away

I'm no vantrilaquist dummy
For you to play with, honey.
I'm not a pawn in your game
For you to manipulate with no shame

Don't want to be a part
Of your devious plan.
Don't want to deny myself
Of who I am.

There's a reason it is called,
Called a deadly sin.
Infidelity will ******,
****** from deep within:

**** the ones you love,
The one you once loved--
The one you're still loving
Will always question your love,
Thinking she'll be the next loved

Just a part of your past
You'd rather forget
But that gangrene inside
Just won't let.

So keep playing hopscotch with the truth
I'll hang on tight to my virtue

Just can’t kick it.
Don’t know how to fight it.
Sick with grief.
No sign of relief.
My throat tightens,
My stomach churns.
Every night I yearn
To see you again,
To have your love
Hold me close.
Kiss away the pain,
Bring the peace of a dove.
Wrap your arms around me,
Pat my head.
Play these memories
And sit here alone instead

So sick
Tired of living without
Always in debt
Like the Californian drought
This ache never ends
My heart never mends
Because you left

Lost so many,
Loved so few.
My iron strength
now coming unglued.
Afraid of living—
Of failure, of success,
Dread “second best”.
I’m the choice they choose
when they choose to settle for less.

I have so much to give
But I’m scared someone will take
(And break) my heart
that’s already been broken,
And on the mend,
Then broken once again.

Get hurt without even trying
So if I try
I just might die
From the pain
That, right now, has me going insane.

With a veiled promise of relief
Her young, trusting mind:
'Yes, anything, please!'

But it's not approved for kids.
But the doctor says it's fine.
She'd try anything to quiet her racing mind.

As the years fly by,
Her mind's still not at ease,
But she continues to take
That oval blue and green.

Slowly-- so slowly,
She almost didn't see--
Slowly, her communication
Isn't so free.

She knows what she wants to say,
But when she starts to speak it
The right words just fly away.

She's not dumb--
The words are all there,
At the tip of her tongue.
But then, suddenly, they aren't.

Slowly,
But surely,
But suddenly.  

She fumbles.
She finds them.
She dusts herself off.

She yearns to turn back time
And warn that young, trusting mind.

Today I’m lonesome, tired, and weak.

“Tomorrow I’ll be better”… that’s what I want to believe.

Will my knees buckle?
Will they shout?
Will my thoughts race?
— without a doubt.

A day in the life:
I wish you were in my skin.
Living with the hell I’ve known,
Constantly crawling within.
Waiting to break free from this shell,
Not knowing where to begin.
“Only time will tell”
What a messed up world we live in

carbination hiss/ long for that special kiss
summer night/ hold me tight
sweep away the sorrow/ just until tomorrow
when the sun comes up again/ then I’ll call you my friend
free me from this cage/ my own heart’s enraged
at myself.

can’t love, can’t leave/ don’t know how, but I still believe
In all that I’ve said/ I live with no regret
but that doesn’t mean/ that my heart doesn’t bleed
for you

tears salty blue
heart’s dark night
hope shines bright
stop missing you

…or the you I imagined
you would one day become/ soak up that Arizona sun
change your face/ all of you’re disgrace
suddenly washed away/ hope for a new day
that never came/ no one’s to blame

I had my hope, and still do/ I just don’t have any hope in you
it hurts, but it gets easier with time/ take back the life that’s mine
secretly I wish some day/ you’ll be haunted by my face
famous for some inexplicable reason/ you’ll see me shine through every season
and wish that you could take credit for who I’ve become/ and you’ll lie to your friends- every single one
play the role: doting dad/ whenever someone asks:
“Are you Casey’s father?” a sweet irony/ to my chilhood of “Are you Luke’s daughter?”
maybe I’m bitter, but I’m filled with hope/ maybe I’m damaged, but I’ll never be alone

It’s definitely been a year
And I’ve definitely never been better.

The pain is still there,
But it has lessened to a dull ache

I no longer break
And bend
For you.

Your words?
They no longer stick like glue
To my soul.
I’m in control.

Your letter?
Unread.

My thoughts?
Unsaid—

Why waste my breath
on the heart-deaf

I hand-over my heart
Wrap it up in every single thing I do
For it all to come to a screeching halt
Over a few hours... of a few days... of a whole year
Of sweat blood and tears.

All I have left to show:
A few extra pennies
A fuller resume
Warm memories of inspired children
Cold memories of anger and spite
A tepid heart searching for the light

I had a week of bliss, surrounded by love and friendship;
Diversity in color, sexuality, and creed.  
The 'oh-my-God-I'm-gonna-die' turbulence on the flight home,
[Which the pilot coyly called "rough air"],
Was nothing compared to the avalanche of awful I hit after exiting the ramp.
Slammed into the tarmac, engulfed in hate.
My eyes wide open to the bigotry and sin.
[I say sin, not because I believe in it, but because they do.]
Here are my eyes, slammed wide open,
Reading article after article on Charlottesville.
Begging, waiting, for the President to make a stand,
To give us some hope,
To unequivocally denounce white supremacy,
To show some compassion,
To say Heather Heyer's name,
To demonstrate to the world what human decency is.
...I keep waiting.

This was not about partisan politics.
This was not about 'right' or 'left'--
This is about right and wrong.

This is not about partisan politics.
Hate transcends politics.
This was not a chance to pander to or pacify voters.
This was a grim opportunity to be truly presidential in a time of great need.

A person should never experience such radical hatred
for being born the way they were born--
Exactly the way your God made them.

Freedom of speech and expression was not created for the benefit of Neo-****'s.
It was created to liberate Americans, not oppress them.
You cannot [ab]use it as a shield to mask your abhorrent agenda.
You cannot randomly yell “FIRE!” in a crowded theater that is not, in fact, on fire;
Nor can you create a fire on a stick then run through a crowd, spouting off your beliefs.

Here are my eyes, slammed wide open
And all I wanted to do was to shut them,
To go back to my bubble of bliss.
But I cannot.
We cannot.
That is exactly what gives hate and ignorance the permission to spread like wildfire.
The lovers need to keep loving.
We need to keep speaking out against violence for violence's sake;
Against oppression of an entire race, simply because of melanin;
Against discrimination of the "different";
Against the ideal of "the perfect race";
Against the idle tolerance of these obscene, disgusting ‘ideals’.
We need to keep speaking out against "taking back our country"--
We are living on stolen soil.
We are all visitors here.

Where did your ancestors come from, sir, wielding the fiery torch?
This land is not yours.
It is not mine.
It is ours--
All of ours, together.

round the corner,
through the threshold--
a sea of pastels,
but I'm in red.
My throat swells.

Why do they stare?
Can they see?
If they could hear my thoughts,
would they like the real me?

My heart climbs
into my neck
I tell my brain:
hit the deck,
I'm under attack.

My heartbeat slows
and I can breathe.
But the fact remains:
the monster's inside me

waiting for its next move
it will come out to play.
maybe when it rains
worse yet, on a sunny day.

There's no telling
when it will call.
I'll try not to answer,
but I always fall
into its trap,
so finely laid.
So I wait and I wait
for the panic to fade.

All these intervention shows say
Sticking to your bottom line forces change.

I gave you a bottom line...
Everything stayed the same.

I’ve seen the seasons shift,
One to the next
For two long years.

I’m still waiting for the day
I find you here,
Ready for help
Or already healed.

I didn’t ask you for the moon or the stars
Like most little girls ask of their hero-daddy.

I only pleaded that you get treatment
For your pain, your addiction, your disease.
But once again, you chose your pride over me.

Two years I’ve waited,
And I’ll wait two more
Because I’ll always love you.
No matter how often
You hurt me to the core.

I beg the stars
To keep you behind bars.
I never thought you'd take it that far;
Now it's plain to see:
Jail is the only guarantee
That your children will be free
From your vapid disease

You feel your chest heave
But breath does not enter your lungs.
As air flows around your balloons and into to your stomach,
your lungs scream for your gut to share.

Your windpipe feels like less of a pipe
and more of a plug--
blocking the life force from entering,
quickening your heartbeat.

All because it's 8:13,
which means:
two hours until sleep
two hours to fill
I need to shower, still,
two full hours
two free hours
work tomorrow
but first, two whole hours
to do...
what?
Shower,
right.
Two hours.
Only two hours.
Gotta make 'em count!
But how?
Two hours to fill
I need to shower still
two full hours
two free hours

Nervousness, why?
Abstract, human-constructed time.

Two whole hours still
Only two hours to fill.

Wish. Want. Wait.
Stop. Go. Slow.
Struggle. Resist. Work.
Breathe. Break. Hurt.
Mend. Seek. Find.
Ache. Silent. Blind.
Sight. Key. Open.
Words. Fumble. Spoken.
Eyes. Link. Truth.
Here. Now. You.

Hey lonely girl, I feel you.
Hey cryin’ child, I hear you.
Hey little boy, it’s written all over your face.
Hey, lean on my shoulder
It will get better as you get older

At night in your room you cry
‘cause they don’t understand.
I feel your pain
Because I was you.
I’ve been there,
And I made it through
— So can you

You sit up at night, asking why you’re alive
The answer, I know: you were born to fly.

Rest easy, darling,
Wait for the clouds to clear
Make the best of what you’ve got.
But when you can’t,
I’ll still be here

Little child, all alone in your room,
Just close your eyes
The pain will be over soon.

You’ll make it.

Hope and dream the night away
And you’ll find a safe place.
You’re strong
You’re beautiful
— This I know.

So, baby,
Don’t hide away
You are not alone.

Dry your eyes
You’ll be just fine.
Lean on my shoulder.
Soon, the pain will be over.

There has to be a reason.
There has to be a reason for all this suffering,
All this pain.

What is it all for?

I hope.
I hope to turn my heartache into art.

I could.
I could help someone, anyone,
with my story.

I need.
I need to turn this around
To make it worth it.

Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Pressure. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Pressure. Panic. Determination. Failure. Frustration. Tears. Pressure....

It never.
It never ends.

Why?
What for?

There has to be a reason.
I hope--
I could--
I need.

I can't think too much
Or I'll become unnumb
The space you once kept
Has been hollowed by death

With each shallow breath
I feel more unrest
Realizing how similarly
You would inhale,
each small jolt in your chest
The day before you left
This earthly plain
And moved onto the next

My only relief:
  Now you're at ease
  Finally free
  To talk, walk, smile, and breathe

Still tears fall
As the sound of your voice fades
I wish I could call
And see your gentle face

Until we meet again,
I'll keep this special place
Full of the memories
You helped create

What once held my love for you
Now holds so much more
Hope, memories, and your legacy
There I will store.

I blinked and three days went by. Three whole days I didn't cry.
Maybe three or maybe it was four. I don't usually keep track of these things.
I just blinked.
I just blinked and woke-up.
Your memories still dances in my head... A lot.
Maybe four or maybe five times a day. I don't usually keep track of these things.

I am more at peace, though the grief still lingers. I hold onto what I can of you. Of the memory of you.
I don't want to lose any of it. Your eyes, your laugh, the way you talked with your hands, all of it I cling to like an elixir. It's my elixir to keep the sadness at bay. Holding onto these moments, these sacred moments, so they don't ever fade away.

If your essence is lost to me, I think I might die. Let myself wither. And not a day will go by
Where I won't cry for the ditch that is left inside of me, where your memory was. With my elixir all dried-up, not a single day will go by. Not a day where I won't cry. Certainly not three or four.
I will start to keep track of these things.

Because that's all I'll have to fill the ditch with.
No sand or sea will be quite rich enough to fill this space. This space meant for abstract emotions, not things.
We call it our heart, but our heart is just a thing. Just a thing that pumps another thing round and round and round. Just a thing that helps us breathe. A thing that one day stops. It quits on us when we're in the ground.
So why would I let this thing hold onto you? I won't.

I'll keep your memory in every space, in my soul.
You'll live on and on, and wild and free.
You'll live forever, and you'll live in me.
I'll keep my grief elixir and fight forgetfulness away.
So there will be no ditch.
In my soul-space you will stay.