Do you remember

When you used to look up to me?

I do.

I remember the nights we spent

Countless hours and miles

Walking holes into the bottoms of our flip flops

Stars above and concrete below

We pounded pavement

Dim street lights as our North Star

We didn't know where we were going

Just that the night was as young as we were

That time was slipping through our fingers

Like grains of sand clenched in fists

I can't hold on to those times anymore

And I'm so scared to lose you

I'm so scared those memories will wash away

I never want to forget

The countless nights we spent in the back of cars

Racing down the highway

******

High

Drunk

Trying to be ****** up on anything but our sorrows

I'm so scared for the future

I don't want us to drift apart anymore

I remember when we used to say "I love you" before we hung up

Now I feel like it's a race to hang up first

I never want to win that race.

Now you hang up as I say "I love"

As if you don't want to be the "you" at the end of that sentence

Maybe you just don't believe it anymore

Maybe I don't do enough to prove it

Please tell me what I can do

Tell me how I can fix this

Please

Trail your foreign tongue down my neck
So that the words may blossom in my throat
Pour your language of love into my mouth
So that it may spill from my lips
Leave your exlir to dry in the corner of my smile
So that when I lick my lips
I will taste this passion

I line up my pins
Stand back
Admire them
Just to knock them down

I want to drink you in and swallow you whole

Weight
I can't escape
Heavy on my chest
When did it become so hard to breathe?
Internal demands of perfection
Drowning in my thoughts
Anxiety
Wrecks havoc through me
I forgot what happiness feels like
This gripping
Clenched fist inside my chest
Just won't let go

Fact is,
hear this true
it's not me
it's *you

I ran down the street
My naked feet thumped on damp asphalt
Sharp stones pounded the underneath of my feet into leather
The sting under my feet was nothing
Compared to the stinging salt in my eyes
Or the raw flesh that was my throat
Burning screams ripped from my lungs
All I could do was run
Run from the pain
The fear
That always follows
Right on my heels
That fear is my shadow,
Taking different shapes
Sometimes big
Rarely small
But always there
Lying dormant
*On my heels

Fingers,
my fingers.

Shoved down my throat

Pressed into my eyes

Crammed into my ears

Gripping my the sides of my head

To stop the voices.

Fingers,
your fingers.

Love?

No,
Your fingers ****.

They pain me
and hurt me

Your fingers

shoved into my mouth

raking down my back

pressed into flesh

As if your fingers were razor-tipped branding irons.

Designed solely to make me scream.

He sighs, watch as the light fades from his eyes.

Lick me
like an ice cream cone
Catch
my dribbled form
with your tongue

Bite
into my bones
Hear
that satisfying crunch

Savor
my sweetness
****
the sticky taste
from your fingers

Devour me,
your prey

her eyes sear into me
i can almost feel myself breaking
shes breaking me
frominside
five foot menace that she is
she screams
i am drawn to her siren screech
my mind blanks
and i stand hovering above her
i feel so exposed so open
i can feel my self rotting away with every slicing word
shove daggers in my ear
and ill bleed through my eyes
i stare burning holes into my toes
you ****** up again
this is your fault
you can never do anything
right

how can someone so small
make me feel
so
much
*smaller?

It's not love
If you don't melt in his gaze

It's not love
If your skin isn't electric under his touch

It's not love
Unless his words remove thought from your clouded mind

It's not love
If he isn't the only one who can save you from yourself

It's not love
If you don't feel like losing him will be the death of you

It's not love
If you don't squeeze too tight

It's not love
If you don't dread his absence

It's not love
If you don't beg him to stay

It's not love
Unless you absolutely shatter
When he tells you it's over

It will never be love
Unless it's with him

I keep getting this urge
To tell strangers
How you used to bring a can of Chef Boyardee
To school for lunch everyday.

Or how I used to collect
Plastic Hello Kitty cupcake rings
And give them to you
Just to see you smile.

I would laugh as you ate it cold,
plastic fork suspended
straight from the can.

I would smile with you,
and hope you didn't realize
I ate all those cupcakes
by myself.

I want to share you with the world
Take your memory with me in my pockets
Spill it out with my tongue

I want to share you with the world,
Introduce you to people you will never meet
Tell people about you
Because they will never get the chance
To get to know you like I did
Like we all did.

But when you took your life,
You did the world a disservice
You took away the world's chance to find you
So you could find yourself

You took away your opportunities
To change
To get better
To grow
To love
And be loved
How we loved
You.

Your smile
Your eyes
Your soul
All so bright
Like stars in sky

Stars that you snuffed out
Stars that we can't gaze at anymore.
Your constellation is lost
Just a fairytale now
But a favorite amongst us all

Let go of the pain
Let go of the hurt
Allow yourself to breath
Don't hate the body that holds you
You are a soul
You have a soul
Cradled in this body
There is a child that sleeps here
Child
Breathe
Let go of the hurt
He can't hurt you
Don't hide child
Smile
Be okay
Things are going to be okay I promise
You will wake up tomorrow
You will draw breath
You will live
It's okay to cry
Cry baby
Please cry
Let go of it all
And be free

Worthless
*****
Nothing
You are
NOTHING
Stupid little *****
You deserve to die.
I will break your popsicle stick wings
**** the light from your bright eyes
I will burn you
Rob your innocence
Decimate your soul
I will ruin you.
You will fear me.
Your legs will shake at the sound of my name
You won't be able to look me in the eye
But you will still come back to me
Always return to me
You will run into my arms
You will laugh
You will call me "Daddy"
And you will always
Always
Be my little girl.

Teeth
graze...

Hands
squeeze...

Lips
caress...

Love me baby,

Never let me go.

I was there
When she cried

I sat there
Just holding her

When she screamed
I froze

I didn't know how to handle her unravel
I didn't know how to sew her back together

For you see
My own thread was worn

My own stitches were coming apart
From years of too-tight hugs

My button eyes coming undone
From all the pain I've seen you go through

My ratty fur matted wet from tears
You dried on my corduroy skin

I still feel it
The bite marks on the back of my head
from where you clenched your jaw so hard around my nylon flesh

You screamed into my stuffed brain so loud
you reverberated my neurons of synthetic polyester cotton mix

The best thing about being your teddy bear
Was being there for you

Making you happy when you cried
Laugh when you were down

You thought I was a Russian bear warrior,
You named my Mishka
It was coolest thing ever
You thought I was invincible

Until you grew up.

You stopped having me around as often
You grew up as I wore down

Your problems where not tears I could wipe away
My stitched smile could not spread to your face anymore
My button eyes, the ones once so polished that they gleamed,
Now dull and scratched

You threw me when you were angry
Squeezed me when you sobbed
Locked me up in closets
Hid your childish joy from sight

I guess that's the thing about being your childhood best friend.
I only lasted in your childhood

Notes tighten the headphone noose around my mind

Hang me on the wired gallows
Define my time through red wine and hollow songs
Screaming among me

Chords like choking chloroform cover my ears,
Drown the fears

Syncopate and reverberate
Don't make the mistake this time
of drowning under my own weight.

Smother my infectious insecurities
And laugh with me.
Let the rhythm serve as a jury.
Pull me into comfortable apathy.


Songs like shotguns splattering self doubt against this screen,
Its retrograde and mean.
But it's the only tangible thing it seems.

Ready the rock 'n' roll revolver!
6 rounds to ecstasy.
***, drugs, and skin smoulder

Bass-encased bullets blasting rounds on replay,

Swallow the shells
Cough up gun powder
Spit greased teeth
Rinse and repeat

Your planetary pull
Pulls me apart

One ends in self dignity
The other in worshiping your beauty

The thought of you still wanders across my mind
Trekking across the wilderness

Searching for the love
That never was

Tell yourself you aren't capable of those sort of things anymore

"You've gotten soft"

Soft is good

Soft is how you're supposed to be

Small

Soft

Easy to chew

Easier to swallow

You're so basic, you scored a 14 on the pH scale.

Please tell me it will always be like this

No wait

Please tell me things will be different

Will we always be like this?

Please look at me

No, wait!

Turn away

I don't want you to see me

Not like this.

Never like this

Will it always be

This?

God I hope so.

As long as I have you.

It has been seven days.
I can't do this anymore
Let me
let go
Of this pain.
I don't want to hold on anymore,
This weight is too heavy
My fingers are slipping
It's too much hurt to carry in one heart
My heart will fall to the bottom
and land in my toes

I can feel it
It's like a humming in my head
Getting louder
And louder

I snap
Snapping
Like a rubber band breaking in my head
I will break
I can't go another day
Like this

liquor lipstick
***-stained fingers
nicotine fingernails
bitten to shreds

lead tongue
heavy breath
feathery heart beats
lull me to sleep

that feeling when you feel the blood slipping from your body
you are so scared to let go
but you cant hold it anymore
you release
and finally,
you are at peace

You loved it.
Admit it,
You
loved
it.

little ****...

He runs,
but cannot hide.
Squeezes his eyes shut
but cannot unsee
What he
has seen.
The image of his mother's face
Flashes
Behind his scrunched eyelids.
Blood trickling...
From the corner
of her mouth
where he
slapped
her.

Fear builds in his heart
It claws
Up
His throat.

The pressure behind his eyes threaten
Tears
To burn down his cheeks.

His heart
Pounds
Against his rib cage
He curls his knees
Up to his chest
To contain his heart
From breaking free.

So small
He ***** up,
trying
trying
To disappear.
Just
praying
praying
That it will end,
Somehow
Someway.
That it will end
Someday

I am not of this world


My eyes are not eyes

They are Black Holes

Swallowing this universe whole


My heart is not a heart

It is a Pulsar

******* you dry


My soul is not simply a soul

It is a Nebula

Forging the birth of stars


My body is not just a body

It is a Galaxy

Holding the celestial organs of my Super Nova

You made it
You are doing so well
I'm so proud of you
You're doing it!
You're living your life
You are happy
You are safe
He loves you
He cares about you so much
You have no worries
Everything will work out
You won't feel like this forever
You will be okay

To smile in the face of adversity is to overcome.

"Ask the man who says nothing is impossible to dribble a football"

**** the hatchet,

Bury this ********.

I find my fingernails digging into old slits of skin
my cramped hand twists around his
Until he can no longer take the tips of my fingers digging into his flesh
And he pulls away

i'm hurting him
i'm no good for him
He'd be better off without me
Why?

-lemurs in the rain forest
-branches in the rain
-their fur slick with wetness
-of rain
-and tongue
-their minuscule paws
-tiny rakes in their stormy skin
-jaundice eyes
-liquid marbles
-roll in the sockets
-of their skulls
-soon to be dust,
-fertilizing their homes' soil
-til it blows away in the wind
-another desert
-another country
-another planet
-rocky pebbles on the dark blanket of space