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Aug 2019 · 135
Untitled
Sometimes Ally Aug 2019
Looking back on my life through poetry hurts me.
I see how low I felt and how much I hated myself and the world we live in.
And I like to think I've changed; I no longer am in such a bad place or have as much hatred.
But yet, I find myself feeling so many of the emotions i felt so many dreadful years ago. I'm almost 22 and I find myself feeling the same exact way I did at 15.

I just want to be happy. And I know I'm the only keeping myself from it. I can blame it on my past "trauma" all I want, but I'm the only thing holding me back.
Will I ever change?
Sometimes Ally Apr 2017
The devil dwells deep within her soul
Pure evil was in her gaze but I mistook it for lust
I thought the look in her eyes made me feel whole
But she made me a fool and destroyed my trust

Her silver tongue spit silver bullets
Leaving me with scars I'd never show
I thought our relationship would work to the fullest
But at the end she threw all the low blows

My trust was a forest that her carelessness burned down
Forests don't grow back overnight
Her lies sparked the fire and I was the talk of the town
The forest of my trust looked like a leftover bomb site

My heart was mutilated and torn to shreds
She was the butcher holding the knife
The only lifeline I knew was gone and I was holding on by threads
I wanted her to know I was hurting but she didn't care about my strife

In the end I'll get my revenge
I will become everything she failed to appreciate
For it will be myself that I avenge
And once I'm free my heart will no longer be an inmate

I will become everything she searches for
But I won't be around when she knocks on my door
Aug 2016 · 378
first draft of our love
Sometimes Ally Aug 2016
your smile brings me the most joy I've ever felt; seeing you happy and LIVING again gave me the strength to keep going. I know that mentally you are not okay and I know that I can't fix that. even if I can't fix it by loving you, I will do anything in my power to bring happiness into your life again. I will love you on good days and bad days and all the days in between, I will love you until my last breath escapes my lungs. you were my first and I want you to be my last. I've never been able to see myself having a future with anyone else because I could never see a future for myself, but you, you give me something to look forward to. I want to take care of you, love you until our last days. I have fallen head over heals in love with you becca anne and it's the most terrifying and exciting thing I've experienced.
Mar 2016 · 396
Disorder
Sometimes Ally Mar 2016
Her room was chaos; clothes thrown everywhere, bed unmade, and junk piling every open spot. Even though her father told her time and time again that she needs to find a solution to this trainwreck, the messiness never seemed to cease. She had attempted to tidy up, but somehow the mess would always return; always lurking in the back of her mind, taunting her every second. She washed her ***** clothes, threw away the trash, got rid of unnecessary items, but the mess always returned. She began to lose hope, nothing would bring this to an end. Each time she tried to stop the mess it grew stronger and got progressively worse. Her friends had started telling her she needs to clean her, but she always had an excuse. She would constantly say how she was always too busy, but it was a lie; she had all the time in the world, but she knew her friends just wouldn’t understand how the mess was her own personal bully; it never left her alone and it was a constant reminder of how her disorderly her life had become. One day, she finally broke. Her goal to have a clean room had been demolished and engrossed into the mess itself; similar to her other goals and aspirations. The mess began to spread; her locker overflowed with useless papers, her car filled to the brim with futile garbage; it followed her everywhere. The grogginess from her bedroom poured into the sky, turning it a terrifying shade of gray; lessening her hope drastically. Every single thing she did contributed to the mess and she just couldn’t take it anymore. She went home and just lay there in her unkempt bed with her ***** laundry and empty water bottles and she allowed the mess to overtake her. She stayed trapped inside this mess she created until it consumer her; like it had consumed every other aspect of her life. She never found a solution to the never ending mess.
Sometimes Ally Feb 2016
a star-soaked ocean stands between who I am and who I want to become and I'm stuck on a boat with no paddle.

idling softly, I await for someone, something, to give me a wave of stability.

I wish to reach happiness the way the tides reach the shore daily but I've began to think it impossible.

I fell in love with this ocean quicker than any girl because the tides come and go the same as I.

there's an occasional island of hope that I can take refuge in and I think to myself "I can do this, I can beat this",

but in comes a tidal wave of emotions to take that away from me and I find myself stranded in this star-soaked ocean, softly idling, waiting.
Aug 2015 · 407
creative or nah
Sometimes Ally Aug 2015
I used to love writing
but then it started to feel more like a task
at that point
it became less enjoyable

I'm afraid I've lost my touch
When I want to write a poem
nothing comes to mind but an empty slate

along with losing myself
I think I've lost my creativity
this is more of a vent post than a poem sorry
Jul 2015 · 3.2k
body positive
Sometimes Ally Jul 2015
I try to have
a good body image
I'm fat and I say
that I'm proud
but when I avoid mirrors
at all costs
I close my eyes when
I walk past one
others say I'm strong
and courageous
they wish they had the confidence
that I seem to possess
but do you really want
a false sense f happiness?
do you want to
put on a front
so others think you're
strong?
do you want to skip
meals so you
feel in control?
don't ever say you wish
you were
like
me
Jul 2015 · 326
I want you
Sometimes Ally Jul 2015
I want you to know me
but I don't know myself
I want you to love me
but I have every aspect of me
I want you to be with me
but I can't stand the sight of myself

I'm trying to get better for you
because I want you
im trying really hard
Jun 2015 · 423
her
Sometimes Ally Jun 2015
her
she makes me feel the way
a little kid feels
on a hot summers day
when the ice cream truck comes
giddy and excited
even though he sees it
rather periodically
it still makes him happy
the way she does me
Sometimes Ally May 2015
a child should never have to lose
their parent
at such a young age.
granted, you're still alive,
but you're not the mother I once knew.
growing up things were all right,
so I thought.
I thought we were a normal family,
until I saw how my friends families interacted.
apparently families aren't supposed to fight all the time,
moms aren't supposed to hit your older siblings
and dads are supposed to be around.
as I grew older and less naive,
you couldn't treat me the same anymore
I was beginning to be more like my siblings so you had to treat me like them too
I grew up, they moved out,
dad still wasn't around
so all your anger got taken out on me.
I was twelve the first time you hit me
and I didn't tell anyone.
the hitting and the yelling continued for the next three years
and when I finally told someone,
they didn't believe me.
you told me to **** myself so I tried
and then suddenly you loved me again
you wanted to be a part of my life
but I didn't want you in it
so you left
and didn't come back
but when you left, you took a little piece of me with you
and now, I lost you forever.
a child should never have to lose
their parent
at such a young age.
Dec 2014 · 630
always empty
Sometimes Ally Dec 2014
today was such a wonderful day
it was full of what i love
and the people i love
but yet i still feel empty
somethings missing from my life
and i wish i could tell you what is
but i'm at a complete loss for words
i want to be happy
but all i feel is despair
i want someone to hug me
and just ask me how my day was
i want someone to care about what i did
i want someone to want me
is it selfish to want to be wanted?
why do i still feel so empty
Dec 2014 · 2.3k
I still miss you
Sometimes Ally Dec 2014
even as the night turns to day
and all my sorrows have been washed away
i still miss you
there are days when i'm fine
and days when i'm in a haze
but it can all be summed up by one phrase
i still miss you
my poetry grows sadder as the months drag on
it's on to get a grip on the fact that you're really gone
i still miss you
i want you back, as selfish as it may seem
without my daddy here i've lost any trace of self-esteem
god ******, i still miss you
i know that i will see again
but until that day
i have to keep asking my 'when?'
until the day i know die
i know that
*i'll always miss you
in loving memory of my stepdad, 1958-2014
Nov 2014 · 598
becca
Sometimes Ally Nov 2014
the last text i got from her said
"I don't want to go to work"
it was a saturday afternoon
i was asleep
and i didn't reply

that was a month ago
i've tried contacting her since
but to no avail

i miss my best friend
i need my best friend
i want to cry to her
i want her to cry to me

at times like these
i need her most
when it's 1am and im vulnerable
my thoughts race

becca come back to me
tell me what i did
to send you away
i ruin every friendship
Sep 2014 · 2.5k
forever in my heart
Sometimes Ally Sep 2014
it's hard for me to realize you're actually gone.
you died 3 months and 2 days ago, but it still feels surreal.
why am I here and you're not?
gladly I would trade places with you.
at times like these, I feel a weight on me.
it's pressing down on me, my hands are heavy, I can't open my mouth, I'm completely stuck.
I repress the memory of death and live as if you're still here,
but then the time comes when I want to call you
want to tell about my day
want to tell you how my junior year is going
I want to show you my homecoming dress
I want to tell you about the girl I love
tell you how great my grades are
but I can't.
you're gone and I can't bring you back
but I don't know when I'll finally accept that.
Sep 2014 · 381
when it becomes too much
Sometimes Ally Sep 2014
often enough my thoughts become too much for me
i find myself wanting an escape but can never seem to find one
as i lay in bed with my brain racing, i think 100 things a minute
life is moving fast and i need it to slow down so i can breathe
Sep 2014 · 492
I still love you
Sometimes Ally Sep 2014
Love has a funny way of showing itself.
You told me you loved me, but I was a distraction.
A good distraction, but still a distraction.
I was always told to fight for what I love,
but apparently you have different values
or you never even loved me at all.
Evidently, you must finish what you start,
and you sure as hell finished this.
I was willing to wait, but you weren't.
Why'd you have to be so nice about it?
It'd be less painful if you purposely hurt me,
but knowing you did what you thought was best,
hurts one hundred times more than anything else.
I prayed I wouldn't see you today, and when I did,
my heart lay shattered on the floor because
you didn't seem effected at all.
Sep 2014 · 641
Untitled
Sometimes Ally Sep 2014
i'm so upset that i can't even write
Aug 2014 · 443
s l i p p i n g
Sometimes Ally Aug 2014
after rehab you're to be better
they give you happy pills
just something to numb the pain
but my friends
they don't understand
they don't get that tiniest thing can make me
s
l
i
p
more recently i glance at my razor
the only one who makes me feel better
makes me feel like myself
makes me feel
something
four months clean and i start
s
l
i
p
p
i
n
g
finally i give in
and everything rushes to the surface
ruby red and beautiful
first in little beads
now in streams
slipping is more comforting than
this so called recovery
Aug 2014 · 338
I'll let you down easy
Sometimes Ally Aug 2014
some days are
easier than others
i can fake a smile
and deal with life
but not today

ripping myself open
just to feel again
seems like the only
option i have left

sometimes kind words
just aren't enough to get me by
im trying to be happy
i want to be happy

my happiness lies
where i cannot find it
i'm supposed to be strong
people look up to me
and all i can do
is let them down
Aug 2014 · 1.1k
10w
Sometimes Ally Aug 2014
10w
I'm in a constant world of self hatred and disgust
Aug 2014 · 627
secret of mine
Sometimes Ally Aug 2014
I have a secret
One that I've never told anyone
Not my best of best friends
Not my therapist
Not even the girl I'm in love with

It's been eating away at me
It's been tearing me apart
from the inside out for
1 year
6 months
and 1 day

will i ever be able to tell anyone
some secrets are better left alone
Aug 2014 · 357
I can't sleep
Sometimes Ally Aug 2014
a tornado of thoughts
whirling inside me
I'm torn and can't
ever be patched together

people expect recovery
but I only let them down
like always
I always let them down

my tears fall
like rain tonight
and nothing you say
will stop them

if you ask me
'what's wrong'
it'd be easier to say
'everything'

tear me down
to build me back up
and repeat the process
Aug 2014 · 953
10w
Sometimes Ally Aug 2014
10w
I'm in the book you always open but never read
Jul 2014 · 427
2:30am thoughts
Sometimes Ally Jul 2014
lately i've found myself
contemplating self harm again
i would give anything just to see
the blood rolling down my thigh
the pain is becoming more and
more unbearable for me
it would hurt you more
than it would hurt me if i did it
you would feel more pain than me
knowing you, you'd blame yourself
but you did all you could for me
im losing myself fast
Jul 2014 · 2.1k
my body, not yours
Sometimes Ally Jul 2014
what I don't understand
about my family is
my body is always
a topic of conversation

my hair is too short
for their liking
they aren't a fan
of my gauges
my sister thinks
i should drop some weight

but I don't care anymore
It's my body, not theirs
I'll express myself the I
deem it necessary
Jul 2014 · 338
you again
Sometimes Ally Jul 2014
one glance
just one
at a picture of you
maybe a text message
and the memories engulf me

you were so good to me
but me?
i played you
took your heart
and played it like a guitar

i wanted you to hate me
but to this day
you still love me
why
i destroyed you
Jul 2014 · 317
How much longer?
Sometimes Ally Jul 2014
there's an ache within me
that will never go away
no matter how many pills
how many tears
how many cuts

the feeling if regret is there
in the pit of my stomach
it hurts to continue living
how much longer will this be

they all think I'm recovered
but I'm far from it
Jun 2014 · 3.9k
Daddy
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
everywhere I go I see you
you're the clouds in the sky
the flowers in the garden
the stars at night

you were my superman
the one who was going
to live forever
now you're gone

I can never pick up the phone
and call you again
I can never tell you
how much you meant to me

you'll never be able to hold
me in your arms as I cry
daddy come back
I miss you
my stepdad does Friday afternoon and I'm not in a good place
Jun 2014 · 980
night time
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
it's so relaxing to me
sitting outside at 3 in the morning
with nothing but the starry sky
and creatures of the night

I feel as if I'm becoming one
a creature of the night that is
I'm only at ease at times like this
Jun 2014 · 556
Janae
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
every inch of this town holds a memory I don't want to remember.
every single ******* memory was with you.
we danced in my front yard
went swimming in the lake
ran through the forests together
walked all around our neighbor hoods
I talk about you like you were my lover
but you were more than that
you were my best friend
we spent every waking moment together that we could
you lived only a walk away
and now you hate me
you hate me because I ruin everything I touch
every friendship I have rots to hell
I want you back in my life but you won't have me
come back
please
come back
she was solely my best friend, and now we're nothing
Jun 2014 · 282
this house
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
this house is toxic
but I can't keep away
it tears me down
only to build me back up
and repeat the process

it's filled with memories
of my past life
and it only hurts to be here
suicide attempts
and lost friendships
fill every room

how do I escape this house
Jun 2014 · 719
7w
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
7w
you dont understand
and i cant explain
Jun 2014 · 2.4k
childhood
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
you took away my childhood, for what?
wanting to get a fix, is that it mom?
open your door, you tell me keep it shut.
i wanted your love, not a ticking bomb.
i had to suffer because you were an addict,
raised by my sister until i was twelve.
no matter what, there was always conflict.
but look mom, you're holding the helve.
your childrens lives were in your hands.
for our father was gone and you loved your pills,
i cant tell anyone about it because no one understands
that our own mother couldnt even pay our bills.
so tell me mom, was it worth it?
your children hate you and you're alone.
were the pills and other drugs worth our childhood
and your happiness?
Jun 2014 · 10.2k
scars
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
to me
scars are beautiful
they show us where we've been
not where we're going
they remind us of battles
we once had to face

to me
scars make us strong
they paint a picture
of the darkness
you once lived in

to me
scars show us the past
they take you places
of sadness and sin

but look around
everyone has scars
some old
some new
they're all special
to me
Jun 2014 · 11.7k
high
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
every hit i take
is a step closer to happiness
the higher i am
the less i feel
push all the conflict away
my responsibilities
are no longer
being faced
falling faster and faster
i cant stop
they forgot to mention
the higher you are
the further you fall
Jun 2014 · 6.7k
abuse
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
we're told from a young age
that we should tell an adult
if we're being abused
but what if you've pushed
it so far back into your mind
that you can't remember who
or what
or when
or how

i know it happened
i know it did
but what if the only way
i can talk about it
is online
with strangers
who don't know me
in a poem

abuse is scary
****** abuse haunts me
i need to get it out
it's been 12 years
but i can't move on
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
We try hard to be who we're not.
Try too much to fit in with our peers.
Acceptance is what we search for in those four years we spend in high school,
hoping along the way we can find ourselves behind the facades.

Mask after mask,
we shield our true selves from the people around us.
But somewhere along the way,
we lose who we are in the mix.
Jun 2014 · 642
i'm sad
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
i'm feeling so sad
but people keep telling me
my life isn't that bad

but i can feel my chest rotting
and my heart is heavy like a rock
it's hard for me to get out of bed
even harder for me to talk

i'm pale and small
and haven't seen the light in ages
i leave my tears on all my journal pages

i'm sad
i'm sad
i'm sad

i want to be okay
but for now
it looks like
the pain is here to stay
Jun 2014 · 326
Untitled
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
i guess they cant tell how broken you are if you dont tell them.
Jun 2014 · 645
1:17am
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
once the thoughts start
you cant stop them
they antagonize you
they push and push and push
until you break

now you're sitting here
blood stains on your shorts
your blade in your palm
you're shaking

they did it again
the thoughts, the hurt you
no
you hurt you
4 months clean goes down the drain
Jun 2014 · 358
Did you even love me?
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
i miss the way my name sounded on your lips
but we havent talked in over 6 months
and you havent loved me in over 2 years
if you ever really did love me, that is
how do i know you were telling the truth
i obsessed over you for months
and you finally said it
you spoke the three words that ruined me
"i love you"
then four months later you stopped
the texts ended
the late night phone calls ceased
i was 13 and you destroyed me
i havent been the same since
i still think about you, you know
you were my rock, my soul, my everything
you stopped me from killing myself
but why?
because of you im dead
so why stop me
why
why
**why
Jun 2014 · 2.2k
repetition
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
i do not write to please people
i write to escape my tragic reality
for i am living a life that is not my own
i am not myself
and i have not been for some while now
it is hard to remember
who you were before depression

i do not write to please people
i write to escape my own tragic reality
telling me others have it worse
will not make my pain go away
the ache i feel inside me is never ending

i do not write to please people
i write to escape my own tragic reality
repetition makes me feel
e m p t y
not sure where i was going with this one, just writing whats on my mind
Jun 2014 · 1.3k
blank
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
i wanted to write
about how you made me feel
but the page was empty
and i suddenly realized
it's the perfect explanation
Jun 2014 · 293
what's wrong with me
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
i have nothing to be sad about
but i still cry
my life is perfectly fine
but i still hate myself
the past is over
but i cant stop reliving it
whats wrong with me
Jun 2014 · 231
I'm the girl that...
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
I'm the girl that
everybody is afraid to love
I'm the girl that
is afraid for anyone to love her
I'm the girl that
cries herself to sleep and doesn't tell anyone
I'm the girl that
wants to be happy but doesnt know how
I'm the girl that
is impossible for anyone to ever love
Jun 2014 · 1.1k
Untitled
Sometimes Ally Jun 2014
they tell you you'll get better
after you start the pills
but what if
just maybe
you dont want to get better

— The End —