nothing seems to be happening
and so i;ve lost contact with big
pretty
poetic words

and what am i supposed to do,
sO?

i waited for all the people on the streets
to return home
as i climbed up onto the roof
from a ladder on the balcony
and watched as the moon rise,
for nothing to happen.

yet another clear night.

it's been a long time since i wrote;
on notebooks i have words and some
cursive letters --
as i try to figure out the font of my name--
but i never truly write.

i kept staring at the walls and, somehow,
the room shrunk,
but i told myself i was okay.
even with this much space i could never suffocate.
i'm too scared to think about death.
then the walls keep staring back at me,
and the starry lights make me
starry-eyed,
starry-mind;
lost in dreams
of things
again.

i get so lost in thought of life
that i forget to start living mine.

here i am
pondering human existence
and loneliness;
such a universally desolate moment;
i am here.
to question the matters of
who i am, where i am
and why am i
i started the moment i start;
at the briefest encounter of warmth
i retract myself completely.

knowing that to know
is knowing too much
i realized i am emptied
a void of knowledge;
incompletely, i drift on
like the sputnik II.
as it orbits the earth
without a meaning
without a song,

and what does it see
when laika looks out
to the vast darkness?
what does it think?
these
are the questions
of my sleepless nights.

i almost texted
"good morning i can't sleep"
to you
i guess it was a habit.

then i remembered
you are living a different life that i'm not a part of
anymore, not within nor without.

but that's okay,
we'll be strangers with some memories,
if i miss you
then that's my fault.

so,
good morning, i can't sleep.

is it not true the things that we do?

and that's when it hit me
i have never been loved
not by you, nor by your kisses
because it was the thought
of being in love
that you loved,
never me

in times of pain
in times of harsh
i give you heart,
shelter from rain
so ask again
why do i try
when you are blind
of my demise.

i like the way you stretch your whole body
just to tie your free-willed mane in a bun.

i like the way your eyes practice dancing
on the yellow pages of the math textbook
as if it were a map to someone's heart.

i like the way your fingers get stuck
trying to reach the rays of the sun.

i like the way your lips curve up
without even noticing
when you see the guy you've fallen for.

i like the way you're so focused
lips biting, eyebrows furrowed, face tensed;

but the one thing i like most,
especially when you're focused,
the one thing that ***** me up every time
i accidentally glance at you during an exam

is when you tuck that single piece of hair
and continue to pull it back behind your earlobe
like a stroke of wave leaving the shore,
as if it resting there was the most imperfect thing in the world
that could've saved my life.

i hope i don't fall for your sadistic pleasure in ignoring me.

i wish i knew big, bigger words
so i can describe my colossal love,
stored for you, in my hefty heart.

today i will stand
today i will live as if life was once for me to live
and no one can tell me to sit
or to try or to die
and wilt away like the daffodils that the ones we missed
now fertilized.

and today i stand tall
i stand over the ones whose hearts were banned from dreaming
just a little push, is all they need
so i stretch out my lungs and heave in
the brightest imagination of their life,
and i scream out all that air
all the air that's been purified
all the air that they'll now breathe in,

and then
stillness

the sun rises to euphoria
those who escaped are now forgiven
the brightest light you'll see will not be the sun
it will not be the victory you claimed
but it will be the life that awaits you
ahead of you
a silver lining
stretching far and wide
guiding you through your race
the race of a lifetime
the finish line of an indelible life that wasn't wasted
not even for
a day.

started
her lips tasted like strawberry chapstick
mine bare
her breath hitched, almost like a choke for help
confused
as the zip slide down, i gasped
a princess
standing in front of me was grace
freedom
her hair wriggling from my fingers like fish stuck in nets
panting
sweaty skin and senisitive bones, soft lips
grasping
sheer happiness, our bodies melted to one
gracefully
a princess no more, my voice crowned you
golden queen
her commands are mine to take, she called for me
unraveled
in roses, we smelled the graves that our mother dug
resting
in roses, she will sleep next to me, until eternity.

today i was close to moving on. standing on my own two, ordering a cup of coffee; when someone brushed pass me too hard (or maybe my posture was tired) and knocked me over. their iced latte soaked from my chest as everyone else watched it drip down my crotch. what terrified me the most was the attention i got from being a klutz, from breaking my own heart with your help. anxiety to the rescue.

when the panic subsided, and the pain fled like the eyes of those that wandered upon me, i stood in place and imagined the rumble of your stomach as you chuckle.

it's funny how
your muscles have a certain memory of things.

like how you can automatically tie
your shoelaces without even thinking
because you've done it so many times,

and how you can play this one song
on piano without even looking
because you've played it so many times,

and you kind of just lived with it
for a short while.

so when you spend a long enough time with someone
your muscles start to memorize
every action they make like how
they breathe into your chest as if you were the only oxygen left
on earth,
or how they fit perfectly
curled up inside you, like it was what your body
was made for in the first place,
and your bodies remember each other,
every slightest touch
can easily be replayed.

and what's funny is that
i can still remember you
even after all this time,
my muscles still imagine you
next to me
and it's funny that
you're not here anymore
yet my body still knows
where your leg would wrap
over mine (just above the knee)
and it's funny that
i'll never stop loving you
because that's what my muscles
will never forget.

ride with me through the skies
on this magic carpet of grass
throw these bottles of cash
straight into the river
cos' we don't need no wealth
this money won't buy us our rest
and where would that be?
in the dirt, i guess
where there'll be no stars
so treasure this right now
remember these constellations
like we know what they are
we don't know what they're called
we just know that they're ours
and we think that it's love
like our other mistakes
and we think we're in love
with the boys, the girls, the lies
we just do what we want
'til we know what we need
we don't know what we need
as reckless as we seem:
kids, they want to be freed.

sorrow found me when i'm still young
sorrow waited 'til i'm undone
sorrow's the lover that i've been hiding
sorrow's the cage where i am dying

because this world won't accept
the misery that i carry
that i bear inside my barriers
because to sorrow, i'm in debt.

sorrow's the happiness i love to see
sorrow's her smile and my dignity
sorrow's the girl hidden in disguise:
sorrow's the lover of my life.

i don't drink like anybody else
i don't drink to forget the pain
i drink to forget things about myself,

like how it must've been my fault
that you were never your whole
until you've lost control.

now i'm standing under the moon
my thoughts seemed faded and worn;
can i see you soon?

if not;
if you say you already have plans
for today,
then

i'm ready to drink
i'm waiting to drown,
and in a blink
i'll see you in my dreams.

you remind me of cold coffee;
tasted nice the day before
but left too long overnight
caught my eyes as i closed the door:
just sitting there
a dull, bland shade of brown
still awaiting my impulse for caffeine,

and afterwards when you're finished:
bitter,
tasteless,
nothing like what you once were,
left me disgusted about myself.

you
with your charming, teeth whited, half-witted smiles,
clumsily showing me how things should be done.

you
with your endless rambles about no one but yourself
and occasionally asking about me as if i was special.

you
calling to me only when you're in need of something
or need of something from me
but never needing me.

you
with your opened, large, sea-blue eyes
blinking back at me.


you
and your words that could set me off into the sky,
the type that made me fly so high, that once i fell
my chances and i
will die.

amidst the loudness,
the brightening,
the thundering,
the exquisiteness
of our majestic human race

i am effortlessly
me.

i don't deserve the stars
in your eyes and the electricity in
your smiles. you are a
thousand watts, composed with
all the atoms that make
up me; you are the rays of sun in
my silver linings; and me?
i'm just the moon, caught in between
an eclipse of life and death.

she is good.
good like the way stars are
good for metaphors and
love is good for the heart.

she is good.
good like the way rain is
good after days of drought
and music is good the first
time entering deaf's ears.

she is good.
good like the way everything
has a reason and meaning,
like how my happiness is her
even though 'happiness' is just a
chemical coincidence
and nothing else.