I pleaded with the sky
to meet me on the ground.
Begged the moon,
oh come down for a dance.
Told the rain to dry itself off
and asked the sun to cool me down.
Dreamt I received your love,
put myself in a blind trance.

one word,
broken,
shattered the
silence like a mirror.
seven years of
bad luck has nothing,
nothing on this.
the isolation and separation
never failing
to hit their target.

Someone who wasn't afraid

Perhaps is all I needed

Not knowing I was terrified

In the quiet
I remember
The expression etched
Onto your face.
In the quiet
I remember
The words you always
Did say.
And then I
Scream.

so afraid of being overlooked
so completely misunderstood
finding the perfect way, finally
to make it all about her
eyes now looking and faces now smiling
she grins back uncomfortably, desperately
I need this. I want this. she silently convinces herself
in a leather miniskirt, so small
you can see it all
I'm not afraid. I need this. I want this.
hand on her knee
he sees me
hand on her thigh
this is what I wanted, right?
mouth on hers, held firmly there
by a man she'll never love...
just close your eyes,
it only has to be for one night.

It's not okay.
It's not fair.
It's not deserved.
But as life goes on,
I hope you have
the strength and
the courage to
go with it.

soft voice
warm hands
kind words
a second chance

perfect eyes
crooked smile
strong gaze
please stay awhile

hushed tones
tender kiss
true promise
my only wish

You are the sun to my moon,
The smile to my gloom.

It's so unfair.
My heart is breaking,
splintering,
like it was whole to begin with.
I don't understand why
I need you so badly
when I am terrified of you.

How ridiculous I feel
trying crookedly
to walk down
these dark lit streets at night.

I am wandering,
I don't know what I'm doing.
But I do.

I grip my knife
with sweaty palms.
I am searching for
what I never hope to find.

I will embrace you.
I will attack you.
I will run.
I will freeze.

I never sleep.

My dreams
are filled with ghosts of the past.
Of my past.
Of the future I long for.
Of the future I fear.
Filled with nothing.
Filled with you.
Who are you?
Why can't you just leave me alone?

I have a room.

It is a small room.

It has no doors.

I come here often.

It has but one window.

It is too high to see out of or in.

I have no responsibility here.

I have no fears.

I lack wants and needs.


But for one.


Him. With me.

frustration,
anger,
nothing,
every emotion,
numb.
the thought that your heart
no longer deserves to beat.

you try to rip it
out of your chest,
the blood pools
at your feet.
feels warm,
running down
your skin,
the first real thing
you've felt in weeks.

stroke your own skin,
hug yourself,
pretend it's someone else.

cry.

Embrace me, I dare you.
Hold me in your arms;
Break my walls down.

Kiss me, I beg you.
If only just once;
Pretend to pick me.

Love me, I love you.
I can’t seem to stop;
My chest is bursting.

the feel of him
toxic
intoxicating
makes me ache

the taste of him
delicious
addictive
can't complain

memory and thought are a curse,
for they are drenched with you.
i wish not to be so blunt, so terse,
oh, i do long for you.
the fear of breaking
by the hands of another,
is what prevents me from
being your lover.
inescapable.
i run from the inevitable.
i want you.

something in you
catches my eye
can’t really say
it’s only the first day
i can't explain why i feel
this way  
i’m all alone
and chaos is happening

i can’t help it
every second my eyes are drawn to you
my head
and my heart
do crazy things
everytime i think of you
incontrolable
inconceivable

i thought about you again today.
yes, in that way.
its impossible to forget you it seems.
was it me,
was it it you?
is it crazy to
think one day you might love me?
i am alone again,
two am,
and you promised to always be there.
i am insane,
and in pain.
i just wish you,
i just wish for you.
you would always give the best advice,
about everything in my life.
i just cant seem to push
my memories of you
away,
at least not today.
and i wonder did you maybe
think about me today?
yes, in that way...

insane
too much pain
need a drain
i am drained
no escape
prisoner
locked away
out in the open
exposed
hidden
invisible
see through
nothing.

what have i done
to myself a
horrific
nightmare
i have become
i am so gone
so far from normal
that it could be
beautiful if
it weren't a
pathetic excuse
for terror

So this is for you,
i think,
i don't even know anymore.
i want to cry.
i'm trying hard to not to.
i'm scared and afraid.
i've had better days,
but the number is small.
i'm so alone,
i don't want to go home.
i think i'm done.
no goodbyes, just a gun.
too bad i love you,
maybe i’ll see you soon.

as realization hits
i am gone
drifting away
to that terrible place
where i've begun to feel at home

i thought we were
on the same page
now i see my heart
has been playing tricks on me

ignorance was bliss
now i'm well aware of it

never have you ever
been anyone's everything
i say quietly to myself
never will anyone ever love you more
there will always be a her

always second best
never good enough
never her

so beautiful,
you always could calm me right down.
you know what to say
to get me to breath again.
a small reflection
of the way it used to be,
late nights of you and me.
long drives, short drives,
when it seemed like
we had nothing but time.
to have that bliss again,
for just one more night,
just for tonight.

this is for someone who doesn’t know it yet
but i love the way your smile
makes me hold my breath

this is for the one who
looks at me
and i tremble

this is all for you
because of all the little things
you do that drive me crazy

though you may not have a clue
your eyes are an impossibly perfect
shade of blue
and i lose it when
i look inside them

this is for the one who
makes me cry
when he is upset
because i can’t bare
to see him that way

this is for you
because you have
yet to run away

welcome to my
nightmare
is it a wonder that i'm
so scared
spend my whole life
praying
and
waiting
for someone, anyone
to care
is there anybody
out there
if i shout will you hear
hear me
don't you see i'm
breaking
looking at you
now i'm
shaking
what will it take
to feel loved
no matter what i
do or say
no one in my life
wants me to stay
if i ran away
would you chase
after me
suppose i left you
behind would you even
blink twice
maybe one day
you’ll find
me gone
because i
wrote you a song
that you never really
listened to
and now you’re
waking up
maybe
finally
seeing all my love
but none of it
exists now
you find me in a
quiet room
everything i
ever said
all at once
shouting back at you
you approach me
with wonder on your lips
hoping for a kiss
then
you see
that i’ve
destroyed me
and you cry
screaming why
but you know
that you lost something
that you never realized
you had before

i am forever
being broken and shattered
and someone
with enough pity
comes and lies to me
to blind me for a while
blindness is not
a cure for madness
but rather a fuel
not many have learned
not to fight fire with fire
it is a rare few who know
the secret to be a downpour
somehow you bring one
where ever you go
it follows you
like a loyal companion
as little time
as i’ve known you
you found my secret quickly
whether it was intended or not
i never needed any
of their falseness
it only sunk me deeper
you have found out that
all i ever wanted was
to dance in the rain

your innocent perfection
is shattered.
each time i tell a lie
about you,
shouldnt the opposite be true?
i throw away
any remaining aspirations.
what is it worth to be perfect,
if none of it is truth?
how powerful it is,
to be someone’s
sole friend,
and bare a soul
that isn’t yours,
to lie and claim
and make yourself a fake.

you're innocent perfection
is shattered,
with each lie
that you tell, about
the times that you “fell.”
and i can’t believe it,
because,
you are perfection.
i am the shattered.

its funny how now for me,
my night is just beginning,
and you’re probably fast asleep.
i think back to that feeling
of being the only two people in the world.
its only two am,
and you are my only friend.
the emptiness always went away with you.

its funny how i never imagined
the impact one night could have on me,
the ties i’d feel,
and know that there was something real.
something with meaning,
in this meaningless nightmare i’m living.

its funny how in the here and now
i feel so far away from myself.
the numbness that you made fade,
it laughs at our friendship façade.
and all i can think is,
could i have been better off
without you in my life?
bringing me internal strife.

oh how hysterical,
oh how hysterical you have made me.
crying and laughing,
my head in my hands,
drowning away the emptiness until
i forget i ever wanted you to stay.
we are hysteria.
this is what you do to me.
don't you find it hysterical?

its funny how for me,
my night is never ending,
and you’re probably getting a sunrise.
and all i can think of is
perfect eyes,
crazy smile,
and fearless friendship.
that all came crumbling down,
and i don't even know how.