I can’t help but wonder,
What happened to you?
Did you ever find peace,
After all you’d been through?

It’s been more than five years,
Since I last saw your face,
But I remember the tears,
At our final embrace.

We shared so much laughter,
On 31st street.
But when life forced us apart,
The joy turned bittersweet.

If I saw you again,
Would it be like old times?
What would run through your head,
If I showed you these rhymes?

Would you respond to a message,
If I were to hit send?
Has life been good to you?
Has time been your friend?

I wonder who you’ve become,
And if you’re out there too,
Do you wonder about me,
How I wonder about you?

Gambling, gambling with my life
Rolling dice to leave the knife
Medication comes and goes
What will work, well no one knows
Round and round and round I spin
Playing games no one can win
Getting dizzy till I fall
Wondering how to stand at all
Lock me in this place at night
Make me swear that you are right
Let me out to see the sun
Just to find it’s not the one
Throw me back into your jail
Wait until you post the bail
To see that it’s much to high
When can I just say goodbye
Make me swear these oaths of peace
Even though this pain won’t cease
Just to let yourself get sleep
While I lie awake and weep
Watch the sun rise bright blood red
Giving light to what I dread
There is nowhere left to hide
When my head and heart collide
So I struggle in this strife
Gambling, gambling with my life

Sometimes I have to wonder
Who would I have been
Had lonely days of torture
Not left white marks on my skin

Was I always doomed to be
A broken girl with a broken heart
Or did somewhere along the way
I make a choice to fall apart

Would I have been happy
And would I have been whole
Would I have not lost
All the things this struggle stole

Would I have known sorrow
Would I have known pain
Would my heart have worn
This repulsive ****** stain

I would’ve held together
I wouldn’t have fallen apart
And maybe there’d be a delicate
Sort of beauty to my heart

But the person I would have been
Would’ve been far too weak
Not able to live through the struggle
Unable to find words to speak

Kept quiet by her life’s perfection
Silenced by her world’s clear skies
Pacified with fluffy clouds
Never to hear her own heart’s cries

Now I’ll be hurt, and I’ll be broken
But I’ll wear my scars like jewels
And today I know what they
Can’t seem to teach in schools

I know just how to come alive
I know how to live through this rain
And isn’t it dangerous that
I know how to live with pain

I won’t be silenced anymore
Because my fluffy clouds turned black
I lost the battle to win the war
And I’m done looking back

I’m not who I could have been
And when I start to wonder,
I remind myself, only under dark clouds
Are there roars of thunder

My friend, I know you struggle
I know it hurts to take a breath
I know you hate this, I do too
I know sometimes you wish for death
But after every time we talk
I pray you’ll see another day
I pray for me to find the words
Because I don’t know what to say
I know you think that I don’t care
You say a thousand hurtful things
In the moment you believe them
And that's what really makes it sting
But I’ll stay up till morning talking
If that will get you through the day
My friend, I’ll suffer through this with you
Just to know that you’re okay

I hate myself for talking
I inevitably do
And I wonder if you’d been so mean
If you really knew

That I would cry for hours
Hate myself for days
Stare blankly into mirrors
Until my worn eyes glazed

That for years it would haunt me
I’d replay the words I said
Your disgusted look
Tattooed inside my head

That I’d lie awake at night
Clawing at my skin
Because I hated what I knew
Was lying deep within

And I wonder if you’d been so cruel
Had you truly known
What it’s like to live with autism
How it feels to sit alone

It’s funny really
How I know the names of my poisons
Most people never know what they drank
Until it’s too late
But I take mine with food twice a day
Maybe that means I’m mad

I guess I hoped that you
Would get some sleep last night
That come the break of dawn
Things would be alright

But here we are again
And you haven’t slept a wink
Relapse is a ghastly cavern
And you’re standing on the brink

You’re smiling like a maniac
And you rattle on and on
But I was up late worrying
Forgive me if I yawn

Your eyes are open wide
Like you’ve had too much caffeine
I know where this is going
But you’ve made it three years clean

If you could just get sleep
Maybe you’d wake up okay
And these monsters that you battle
Would simply go away

I lie to myself now
Just so I can make it through
I know that you’re in pain
But don’t you know, I’m hurting too?

I know it’s not my battle
And I can’t make you see the light
But I’m so tired of the darkness
And I’m so weary from the fight

And I guess I hoped by now
That this would’ve come to pass
But since it didn’t, won’t you try
To get some sleep at last

Red cuts become white scars
Will my heart turn white too
Will its dark red color
Fade to a bright white hue
‘Cause I have to wonder
When I see my skin heal
Why won’t my heart’s wounds close
When the pain’s just as real

But then I come to know
Why my heart’s still so red
Because it never stopped
Its blood’s still being shed
It flows out in rivers
Out into my veins
I’m bleeding out slowly
But I live with the pain

I know you feel you’re drowning
You’re lost in your own head
You’re a prisoner to your consciousness
Every breath is filled with dread
I know you feel it’s over
You’re fighting like you’ve lost
I know you waged the war
Without knowing the cost

You tell me all these words
To describe the mess inside
The monsters that devour you
The ways you try to hide
I don’t know how this ends
I won’t lie to earn your trust
But I do know this one truth
Even monsters turn to dust

You waltz through this hell
Like it’s just a park
You laugh at them
They’re afraid of the dark
Because you’ve seen worse
Oh so much worse
They’ve had it easy
You’ve had the inverse
You’ve fought the long night
You’ve faced the fierce fire
They’re out of breath soon
But you just don't tire
They begin to cry
At every small burn
They don’t have the tolerance
You’ve had to learn
You walk through the fire
Like it’s so amusing
Though your heart’s burning
And your soul’s bruising
Because you’ve gone numb
To all of the pain
It’s left a permanent
Stain on your brain
And now you laugh
At the fire and flames
You know better than
To play their games
You know how to live
Forever burning
But won’t you teach me,
I’m still learning
I haven’t swam through
Infernos as long
Living with my heart on fire
Still feels wrong
So teach me to brave
The pain within
And teach me to waltz
Through hell with a grin

I want to fix it all
When I see you like tonight
I’ll fast forward time to show you
That there will be morning light
I’ll show you life’s not over
I’ll show you night will end
I will find a way to help
I’ll prove you have a friend

And I’ll prove I’ll stay with you
When you think you’re all alone
I’ll make you question all the lies
That you think you know
I’ll protect you from yourself
I’ll repair what’s broke inside
If my resolve could fix it
You’d never want to die

I lie to myself now
That I can make it all okay
I know you want to leave this life
I tell myself I’ll make you stay
I’ll find a way to make it better
I’ll wipe away your tears
Because it hurts too much to imagine
A world where you’re not here

I heard the news
Maybe he meant for me to see
Slipped out in a 3-person text thread
Funny it was only news to me

I see you
You’re the girl who’s too put together
For what her heart feels
For what her arms scream
You wear band aid sleeves
Your lips spill out lies
But I can see past
Band aid blinds

It’s your little secret
That kills you inside
No one knows how deep those cuts go
Deeper than your skin

You must be in agony
There’s a monster clawing at your heart
And no one else seems to care
You feel you’re bleeding out
In front of them all
And no one says a word

You must be so frustrated
Seeing your own hands cut your skin
When no one around you needs
To destroy their body
Just to get through the day

You wish you could rip off the band aids
And let them drink in your brokenness
But you never do

My friend, I want to tell you
Everything will be okay
But you’re the only one
Who can make that promise
All I can do is tell you
I see your cuts
Because I had them too

And I thought it would never get better
But I was wrong

I hope more than anything
That someday your cuts will
Turn white just like mine
And you’ll wear short sleeves
And not be ashamed
And that one day you’ll see past someone’s
Band aid blinds
And tell them your story
Of how you thought your pain would last forever
But in the end
It didn’t

I dare you to ask
I dare you to see
But you’re just too scared
You’re afraid of me
You look away as
My scars shine bright white
You avert your eyes
As tears catch the light
But maybe it’s worse
When you stop to stare
When my sleeves ride up
And my skin is bare
I feel your judgement
But I can't decide
Should I scream “I'm fine”
And go run and hide
Or should I stand tall
And meet your harsh gaze
With eyes so jaded
From years of dead days
And dare you to ask
And dare you to see
Are you still too scared
Of what it might be
That haunts these white scars
That tears me apart
That leaves burning cuts
On my arms and my heart
Because I can tell
From the way you stare
You won't dare to ask
I don't think you care
You’d rather just judge
And ignore my pain
Pretend not to see
All its bright white stains
Because that's easy
And easy is right
‘Cause what you can't see
Can't cause any fright
But easy has never
Saved someone’s life
It doesn't make change
It won't end the strife
So meet my gaze now
I dare you to see
To look past these scars
And truly see me

I look into the mirror
And hate my vacant stare
But paralyzing sorrow
Keeps me standing there
I have no strength to leave
No courage left to fight
So I study my reflection
But it’s such a painful sight
I forge a forced smile
Has it ever been so hollow
The corners of my eyes
Are now dripping in sorrow
I run my fingers through
My tangled, greasy hair
I don’t know if this smile
Can ever be repaired
And I can see the fear
Swirling in my eyes
Some things can’t be covered
By a simple smile disguise
Of all the tears from laughter
Seems just tears from sorrow stain
And my posture collapses
Under the weight of all this pain
I don’t know who I’m looking at
I don’t know where I went
My real face twists with joy
It’s not haunted by torment
And I just get more confused
The longer I stay here
I need to stop looking at
The imposter in the mirror

When I fall in love with you
Will you fall in love with me
Will you stay through thick and thin
Or will you leave me when you see

The smile vanish from my face
On those dark depressing nights
When laughter is replaced with tears
Will you flee the sorry sight

When you see me take my pills
Will it scare you off too much
Will the white lines on my wrist
Rob me of your tender touch

When I start to talk your ear off
While I’m in a manic craze
Will you stop and listen
Or dismiss it as a phase

And when the darkness scares me
Will you hold me till it passes
When my life goes up in flames
Will you pull me from the ashes

I’ll tell you I’m a wreck
And all you’ll get from me is pain
Will you agree with me and tell me
How much of you I drain

Or will you look at me and say
You’ve seen all there is to see
And say the words I yearn to hear
That you still love me

You say these pills will help me
But you don’t know just how
You say these pills will save me
But I don’t trust you now
How could you call it saving
When I still feel I’m dying
I know you want to help
But I can tell you’re lying
And I lie here bleeding out
Bleeding drops of hope
You plead just one more pill
One more pill and I can cope

I held on for one more pill
Then more and more and more
Now I don’t see how pills
Could change what’s in my core
Each pill comes with its own
Plethora of pains
You don’t know the torment
Of erosion in your brain
I just want you to know
It’s so hard to be strong
You swore these pills would work by now
It kills me that you’re wrong

Locked inside this box
My muffled cries resound
Emotion floods in waves
How long until I drown
It fills with liquid mania
It swirls with tides of pain
It brims with stagnant sorrow
I pound the walls in vain
You’re baffled by my struggle
You can’t seem to understand
How I drown in this emotion
When my box is on dry land
If all it took was logic
To save me from this fate
I think instead of screaming
I’d be in a better state
But the box is filling quickly
I wail a broken cry
Then I hold my breath and pray
That the cry won’t be goodbye
And I still see your face
I still hear your carefree voice
You lecture me to fight it
As if drowning is a choice
But you don’t know the pain
Of dying for a breath
And you don’t know the art
Of living cheating death
Save me from this madness
I plead as you come near
But liquid floods my lungs
Silent words are hard to hear
Now I’m breathing with no air
I’m screaming with no sound
It’s just a matter of time
Until I finally drown

I found silence
Alone in the night
I found it crying
And losing its light
Licking its wounds from
Eternity’s fight

It was lingering
In the moon’s shadows
It was cowering
In the city’s toes
I found silence
Where no one else goes

Wandering through streets
With nowhere to be
Creeping through fields
When no one can see
Scaling the mountains
To try to be free

I found silence
In echoes of pain
Woven in black
In the smell of rain
And on the heart where
It is known to stain

I found silence
Hung from a noose
When there are no words
In worlds of abuse
In broken hearts
In a broken truce

I found silence
In cracks in the floor
Trailing behind wind
In remnants of war
Buried in rubble
In the loudest roar

It burst my eardrums
As I sought it out
It is far from dead
Despite all the doubt
And to stay alive
It screams a loud shout

I found silence
Alone in the night
Wishing for hope
Fighting for light
Or possibly silence
Found me last night

We used to be young
We’d leave our lives messes
We’d cry when we fell
And we’d wear pretty dresses

But youth is fleeting
And age steals sanity
We wake to what’s real,
And lose faith in humanity

And now when we fall
We laugh like we’re mad
Because we know now
What we never had

We never had knowledge
No, we never knew
That scraped knees are easy
It’s scraped hearts that hurt true

So isn’t it funny
How life plays with our brains
That scraping our knees
Can help numb this life’s pains

Have we gone crazy
Maybe we’ve lost our minds
That we’re laughing when
There’s no joy we can find

But the harsh point is
That's the way this life goes
It hurts like hell
And it’s not what we chose

I wish I’d never
Grown up like this
Missing things I
Never thought I’d miss

Like the way tears were
So easy to cry
Back before I knew
People could want to die

We’re all broken now
We all know too much
Our dreams, once fire,
Are now cold to the touch

But we used to be young
We used to have hope
We never thought we’d hurt
Funny now we can’t cope

Life’s taken its toll
It pulls us all to the grave
I had a hard choice and
I chose to be brave

I sacrificed youth
In order to live
And it wasn’t something
Life chose to forgive

And now it’s long gone
But I miss it all
And oh how I long
To cry when I fall

Calling all the walking dead
All the ones who’ve lost their hearts
Who’ve learned to fill their ribcage
With love’s broken scraps and parts
All the ones who’ve drained their faith
Who’ve spent years chasing hope
Who’ve lived in piercing sorrow
But have somehow learned to cope

For years you’ve been decaying
Wishing anyone could see
You’ve pondered giving up
But something just won’t leave you be

Because you’re the walking dead
You refused to meet the grave
You’ve managed to escape your fate
You’ve chosen to be brave
Of all the ones you’ve found a way
To breathe by pure resolve
You’ve fought a war with death and
Against all the odds evolved

It’s hard to fathom giving up
You almost don’t know how
And though you miss your heartbeat
You’ve fought too hard to give up now

So calling all the walking dead
Who have won this war before
And calling all the walking dead
Who will cheat death once more
Death wails across the battlefield
And begs you to give in
But you’re the walking dead
And you know that you can win

I was lost in loneliness
And no one seemed to care
Yearning to be heard
At night I’d whisper to the air

Then one night I spoke to paper
And it hung on every word
I cried my sorrows in my mind
And somehow the paper heard

It found a way to translate
Found language in my tears
It silenced my confusion
And gave voice to my fears

We had lovely conversations
Between paper and me
Sometimes we’d talk of fantasy
Sometimes of reality

The poems became my letters
To help them understand
The characters my family
When life didn’t go as planned

The stories became my home
That I could go to anywhere
The paper became my dearest friend
The words became my air

Now not a day goes by
That my dearest friend and I
Don’t pass time rhyming truths
And storytelling lies

And when I find I’m lost again
And start to feel alone
My dearest friend is always there
To usher me back home