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Vellichor Dec 2020
Winter is as delicate a time
As the dainty snowflakes
That land on your windshield
That you swipe away with a flick of a switch
It’s here one moment and gone the next
And yet
It drags on

Most welcome december
It's the happiest time of the year
According to all the songs
I hear everyone tell me
Joy to the world
But sometimes all it is
Is cold

Gifts with pretty red bows
Under trees with colored lights
I try to see the beauty
But it’s hard without naive eyes
I know the brokenness behind the smiles
And the crushing pain
Of loneliness

But the colored lights lining the roofs
Only last for a month
And then come down
The cheery songs on the radio fade
And the world goes back
To honking cars
And darkness

The sun leaves early
And comes late
The cold nips harder every day
School begins again
And the shiny new toys get put away
Heirlooms go back to storage
So do the smiles

And the season

Until time finds the switch
For the windshield wipers
And the delicate winter
Is swiped away
With nothing to show for it
But some new things
And a frostbitten heart
Vellichor Oct 2020
I guess I hoped that you
Would get some sleep last night
That come the break of dawn
Things would be alright

But here we are again
And you haven’t slept a wink
Relapse is a ghastly cavern
And you’re standing on the brink

You’re smiling like a maniac
And you rattle on and on
But I was up late worrying
Forgive me if I yawn

Your eyes are open wide
Like you’ve had too much caffeine
I know where this is going
But you’ve made it three years clean

If you could just get sleep
Maybe you’d wake up okay
And these monsters that you battle
Would simply go away

I lie to myself now
Just so I can make it through
I know that you’re in pain
But don’t you know, I’m hurting too?

I know it’s not my battle
And I can’t make you see the light
But I’m so tired of the darkness
And I’m so weary from the fight

And I guess I hoped by now
That this would’ve come to pass
But since it didn’t, won’t you try
To get some sleep at last
Vellichor Sep 2020
I want to fix it all
When I see you like tonight
I’ll fast forward time to show you
That there will be morning light
I’ll show you life’s not over
I’ll show you night will end
I will find a way to help
I’ll prove you have a friend

And I’ll prove I’ll stay with you
When you think you’re all alone
I’ll make you question all the lies
That you think you know
I’ll protect you from yourself
I’ll repair what’s broke inside
If my resolve could fix it
You’d never want to die

I lie to myself now
That I can make it all okay
I know you want to leave this life
I tell myself I’ll make you stay
I’ll find a way to make it better
I’ll wipe away your tears
Because it hurts too much to imagine
A world where you’re not here
Vellichor Sep 2020
When I fall in love with you
Will you fall in love with me
Will you stay through thick and thin
Or will you leave me when you see

The smile vanish from my face
On those dark depressing nights
When laughter is replaced with tears
Will you flee the sorry sight

When you see me take my pills
Will it scare you off too much
Will the white lines on my wrist
Rob me of your tender touch

When I start to talk your ear off
While I’m in a manic craze
Will you stop and listen
Or dismiss it as a phase

And when the darkness scares me
Will you hold me till it passes
When my life goes up in flames
Will you pull me from the ashes

I’ll tell you I’m a wreck
And all you’ll get from me is pain
Will you agree with me and tell me
How much of you I drain

Or will you look at me and say
You’ve seen all there is to see
And say the words I yearn to hear
That you still love me
Vellichor Aug 2020
I hate myself for talking
I inevitably do
And I wonder if you’d been so mean
If you really knew

That I would cry for hours
Hate myself for days
Stare blankly into mirrors
Until my worn eyes glazed

That for years it would haunt me
I’d replay the words I said
Your disgusted look
Tattooed inside my head

That I’d lie awake at night
Clawing at my skin
Because I hated what I knew
Was lying deep within

And I wonder if you’d been so cruel
Had you truly known
What it’s like to live with autism
How it feels to sit alone
Vellichor Aug 2020
It’s funny really
How I know the names of my poisons
Most people never know what they drank
Until it’s too late
But I take mine with food twice a day
Maybe that means I’m mad
Vellichor Aug 2020
I heard the news
Maybe he meant for me to see
Slipped out in a 3-person text thread
Funny it was only news to me
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