Poverty
Holding on to me
Dragging me down
Down
D
O
W
N
There is no revival
There is no survival
No way to reclaim
The life that was mine
Trickling away
Nickel and dime
I can't support my family--
I can't even support myself
Can't let my children know
This lack of things to provide
Even though I want to;
When wants and needs collide.

I can't explain it to you
You wouldn't understand
This suffering I see
Sometimes I think it only happens
Just to me
I have so much hope for my children
They have to go further
Make more
Do more
Be more
More than I was
More than I am
I will never be what I want

This world, so costly
I can't help it- but mostly
It's the people in my life,
The ones I hold at night,
The people who keep me going

Poverty*
Dragging me down
But I will not give up
I can't release hope
For my children and their children-
Break this cyclical way of living;
Break the death and deceiving

I am stuck, but I have hope
I have love and I can cope
But I can't hold on much longer
Ripped to shreds by the economy
I loved you, my daughter

Be more

I reach forward
Grasping empty air
A feeling with which
I have become all too familiar.
I hold closer the sheets
In which you once lay
Parallel to me.
Tighter around me
I pull them,
But they cannot maintain
Your strength

I reach forward,
And feel a new presence.
Barely transcendent
Yet seemingly ever present.
I grasp the frail air
Still it seems to be there
In a way that only I can see,
But it does not
Terminate all thoughts
Not like the way I could
Feel you breathe.

What if the heart
Were truly a puzzle?
A game of sorts
Of luck
Of chance
Roll the dice and pray
That you draw a piece that fits.
The empty hole there
To remain empty,
Until you draw the right piece.
Who could be good
At such a game?
The rich, the beautiful?
Though it may appear so,
This thought is false
The game IS fair.
In a twisted way,
All have an equal shot
For 1 in 7 billion is the chance
Of finding any single piece.
And I...
I drew the 1
That fits my heart.

I would love to raise my voice
And not have one risen back
Against me

Rampant and full of desire
I broke the glass
Surrounding your heart
Wanting what could be seen
And not touched

Wanting what is now mine
*I broke the glass

We can't go backwards
But if we could it would be
To that very night

Holding each other
Time standing still
And a blissful,
Extremely tender
Loving innocence
Surrounding us

No passion
Just simple love
Where a simple touch
Can sing a hundred songs

Snippets of conversations drifting through the wind can sometimes be cause for a deeper introspective search than one has ever taken before.

Just this morning in passing I heard a boy say "I just love writing, it's my passion", and I stopped and thought to myself quietly "what's my passion?"

...

This simple expression by a total stranger sparked a train of thought in my mind leading me down tunnels in to the very depths of my unprepared brain.

Searching for a passion

Much like the passer-by I tend to enjoy the written word.
I relish sentences,
composition,
vocabulary choice,
anything that can present ideas in a sophisticated written sense.

On the contrary, sometimes writing feels like having my eyes slowly clawed out of my head and consumed by a larger-than-life, incredible beast.

*Could such an act be my passion if only to grate on my nerves and cause me to tear out my hair when it does not occur according to my plans?

Your eyes, the sun, the way they glint and glare  
I cannot help but see through crystal glass
The way you tempt my mind unto despair,
Longing for something, far now come and passed.
Now I the Icarus, I thought I'd thrive,
Again your mind hath lured me to your soul
But turn away, and I, thine heart deny
A burning love within, I must console.
You do not know the way you pierced my heart,
Mistook my dismal speech for friendly thought-
Whilst I must not my views to you impart,
I see that all my trials lead to naught.
Regardless, in my arms I wish you home
Still welcome here wherever you may roam.

With time I feel my deepest strife is found;
These days and years my mental prison be,
For when I take a cursory glance around,
The things I long for most, time shields from me.
It seems that all must hike this same long trail,
The progress slow, tis futile to see far
And when compared in years, experience pale,
I see that love doth fall if not on par.
Still hopeful I will one day feel at home,
My earthly being nay reflect my mind.
Till then in frequent solitude I roam,
And cling to fickle ones alike in kind.
I know that time is neither friend nor foe,
My ancient soul contained in ebb and flow.

I tread along this road, directionless
My compass broken, I can’t tell true North.
More likely South I go, affectionless
And in to time I march along henceforth.
So taking to the mountains in retreat,
I try to run away from things untold
For with no way of knowing when I’ll meet
This future that, until now, can’t unfold
I try to keep presumptions out of thought.
I try to keep my mind at ease and rest…
But if I could have spoilers to the plot
Perhaps these things would motivate the best.
I tread along this road, directionless
My heart and soul I feel are just a mess.

And as I sit in this same place as he,
Remembering the way he smiled at me,
And holding on to every lasting glance,
I wish that he would give a second chance
For grasping close those smiles and tears alike
Emotions rife with words I never said
His eyes to mine ever devout and like
This mouth wired shut, my face is turning red.
And yet this speech I cannot find; instead
I say platonic but my love is pure
So if and when the both of us are dead
The mystery of thoughts can lack allure.
A burden lifted- my love yours to hold
But still a fallacy our minds behold.

isn't it crazy how
in the blink of an eye
one split second decision
can set off a
spiral of beauty
and pain
and sacrifice
and affection,
all wrapped in to one time bomb
of a relationship
with a fast approaching expiration date?

I remember our innocence
You would slip your hand in mine
Telling me we would be together
Forever

Now looking back, we were children
We didn't understand then world
The battles we would fight
Uphill wars to be just
Us

And yet, here we are, still lost.
Lost in our beautiful innocence

Together

Forever

We locked it
And threw away the key

But now I'm wishing
I hadn't made these promises

I didn't know
You weren't what you seemed

Until it was
Far too late

Until we locked it
And threw away the key

Deeper than the pits
Of my lustful heart
I cannot fathom the way
I wish I could hold you
Soft against me
Two people...
One flesh
One passionate body
And the way you would look at me
Penetrating my soul
Making me wish I could
Wish I could.....
My heart belongs to you
I am completely entranced
I am completely in love
Come now
Love me back
Show me that you do
I wish you could take me
To the places I ought not to go
Love me there
Or here
Anywhere
You are the object of my sights
My desires
And all I want...
Is you

I place my trust in you
- don't break it.
I give my heart to you
- don't take it.
I wish to look upon your face
- you make it so
hard for me.
Hiding in the shadows,
Showing me mere glimpses.
Letting me love you
Only from a distance.
Wrapped in your embrace
Just for a minute.
Pushed aside,
Alone through the thick of it.
Still you have my trust
- I won't let you break it.
And my heart?
-Oh, yes, you've taken it.

Destruction
From the inside out
But I REFUSE
To give in to this internal
Infernal
Ineffable
Battle from which
Evil spawns evil and I,
I am forced to remain as I am
With no visible knowledge,
Yet a sentient faith.
To continue seems a journey
But a road that must be taken.
Well trod by those ahead,
Yet uncertain at every turn
While the battle within rages.
Step forward
Step back
Step forward
Keep moving- backwards is WRONG.
And though I know this,
That it is within my means-
My manageable means,
I cannot bear it,
I MUST bear it.
And as though a cruel joke,
The unbearable becomes bearable
When the unacceptable is accepted.

One two three
The die is cast
On that which I must carry
An unknown pain
For an unknown enemy
And a battle within the mind

With these three
Emotions rampant
Vastly different, dramatically the same
Each carrying a connotation
Brother, lover, friend
But meanings this much deeper
In a way few can understand
This passion I carry

Like only I can feel the pain
That isn't even mine

Crouching silently,
The hunter lies still
Barely a breath escapes
His agile body.
With the speed
Of a fierce lion
And the precision of
A skilled hawk
He spots his tiny prey

He watches
Using practiced patience
For the perfect moment
Then
It is done
As quickly as the hunt began
An arrow pierces it's target
Silent and quick

The hunter is successful
And the prey unaware
It was ever in scope

Sometimes I wonder
Is this like life?
Unaware until it is
Just
Too
Late.
Or am I in control,
Swiftly passing through?
I suppose it
Begs the question
Am I the hunter,
Or the hunted?

At some point I’ll
Have to come to terms with this reality

At some point I’ll
Need to make peace with your absence

At some point I’ll
Turn around and find myself breathing-

That’s when I can say I made it;
When I can breathe and walk and feel
Without you

I’m there now
              I think
Just don’t want to admit it,
For fear that acceptance
Of your absence
Is release
Of potential
And the coming
Of the inevitable
The end

Even amongst the sorrow of life
Joy can be found-
Sometimes in big things,
But more often in the minuscule:
Like stickers from teachers-
"Good job!" "Well done!"
And you see you did just one thing
Right.
Finding a sweet mint
Tucked in the pocket of grandmas purse-
And knowing she wouldn't mind
If you took it.
Happiness lives in fuzzy socks-
When you feel like your feet
Are being given a long hug
By a teddy bear.
Travel size shampoos, too-
So small, yet yielding limitless
Wonderful and soapy scents.
Bouncy ***** for merely a quarter-
That seemed as though
They could bounce higher than the sun.
The pure euphoria of
A wall of scented candles-
Uncapping each and taking in the
Peach, caramel, linens, blueberry,
And countless other imaginative aromas.
Buttons and bubbles-
Such cute words
For such cute objects
Small and round and full of laughter.
Above all else,
Happiness is derived from the
People
That make you who you are,
And the simple smiles they give you
Day after day

It's times like these when you look to the rest of your life and say, "what am I supposed to do with this", so you throw it at a wall and see if it sticks. Because life is far too long and far too hard, and at a snail's pace we don't get very far.... it's like regression to childhood; being lost in a large neighborhood, and uncertain of which turn to take- that's every **** choice you make. There's no way to know how to make it better, we just keep walking and getting wetter as the storm gets harder and we get farther from finding answers......

The spaghetti test in terms of life, I suppose, a way to see if all this strife is worth the outcome we seek. Because life is definitely NOT for the meek. Those who abandon heart will never see the light, for life requires such a fight. But  unlike pasta growing soft in water, if we wish to persist we have to be stronger- and throwing life to see if it sticks only works if we cease and desist at trying to remain hard and fast, and pushing up against coming last.

It's in those moments-
The ones where our eyes connect
And you smile
And I smile right back.
A laugh,
A glance,
This is where I'm meant to be-
Right here
In your arms.
Safe from the world
As if time can't touch us
Because it can't
Time only brings us
Closer together

Take my hand I'll understand
The way your heart beats still
Reaching out I'm taking count
My love belongs to you
And I know
It's hard sometimes to realize
The pain this fall can bring
But I'll keep moving back to you
And winter turns to spring

Stop and breathe
It isn't worth it
Try and pull back
I know how the tunnel vision works
I've been there
I've seen the darkness
But I promise,
There is a light
You may not know right now
With anxiety high as the sky
Listen to me now
Focus on one voice-
The valleys are as beautiful as the mountains
Take a step away
Make a little distance
Breathe the cold, fresh air
I promise
I promise you'll see it
There is a light, beyond the horizon
Just keep climbing

A friend told me love would hit me like a train

*I'm lying across the tracks

It is late. Time is slipping still
Right through my fingers.
Hard against my will
This taste of liquor lingers,
Urging me to take a drink and
Lose myself. But then I find
His fingertips gently brush hands
When his soul is absent from mind.
In a free fall, he sees
What I know. The whisky illuminates
The path between the trees,
The path we walked in many states-

I stood on his toes
And we danced.

But what does it really mean
When you say I love you?
Does it mean you
Feel?
Does it mean you
Think?
Love has not a definition,
But instead an assumption
That the other would
Love you back.
For love cannot truly be
One sided,
As then it is not love
It is merely the
Longing for love.
Love is an experience
Only shared between
Two.
Only felt in a pair
Seen within, and not alone
Love cannot be felt
Without two halves
Of one whole.

You.
A word once filled with love
Now turned sour
This tapestry
Once a work of art-
Painted with streaks of fury,
Blots of distaste,
A perfect image once presented
Now soiled with hatred
You.
Slid in to my life
Unannounced
Unexpected
Absolutely not unwanted
How could I be so foolish to think
Love?
The smile you had
Safe, warm, welcoming
How was I to know?
You.
Mirrors and smoke screens to hide
What you really were.
I didn't LOVE you
You were merely a stepping stone
A portion of my own painting,
Now blackened and smeared
I didn't love you.
I couldn't love you.
Your tapestry rolled,
But not forgotten.
For how could I forget
This hole that is
You.

With too many corners,
The way to approach the unapproachable
Becomes more inconceivably distant.

In the ways I pushed against you
Trying to reach for what I knew
But battling a formidable opponent-
An entirely invisible division.
Only emanating confusion
And the impending release of will.

The loss of love without cause
Does not sit lightly in the heart
But even more unsettling
Are the distant recollections
Of something I saw as so pure;
Allowing myself to mold to you.

Free falling backwards
Thinking you’ll be caught is not
A way to ensure salvation.
Lest a demon disguised as an angel
Retrieves you from the gates,
To distort your desire to burn.

Still, you burned.
Numb to the flames in minutes
But susceptible to the smoke,
Restricting the very mortal intention
To inhale the sustaining force of life
Until you felt the sting.

Heedless to the fires,
I’ve come to find I kept you
Quite close to the center of my heart
With forgiveness and patience
Where others don’t wish
To feel the radiation, or pain

Scorched, an understatement.
Ashes to ashes, my desires
Still rampant to pull you back-
You, back to me
Where I can ensure security;
Habitual protection

If for no reason but this:
Each being placed by 
Divine intention requires
A deeper connection to feel 
Truly alive…
And your walls prevented that.

This is the calm before the storm.
This is the moment to breathe.
This is the time to release.
But that does not mean I leave
When the fire returns.


I will never again let you burn.