18 years
I'm almost there

18 years
and I am still so scared

18 years
on April 14th

18 years
and I still can't define "me"

18 years
my Dad thanked me for making 16

18 years
I must apologize for being so mean

18 years
full of fits of rage

This 18th year
will release me from the cage

over 18 years
I've learned to try and cope

so, here's to 18 more
I guess I've still got hope

I used to like a lot of things
But now the magic’s gone,
So here’s a list of things I hate
Sorry if I ramble on…

I hate the way my voice sounds
When I’m talking to my "friends"

I hate the long and lonely nights
They never seem to end

I hate the sunlight in my eyes
The tears steadily fall

I hate the people in this house
My Mom, my Dad, I hate them all

I hate the way my body looks
I hate the fat and curves

I hate the way my brain functions
I’m always on my own nerves

I hate that I’m forced to write
Just to keep my memory

I hate the people I cry over
When they were happy leaving me

I hate that I rely on drugs
To keep me in a decent mood

I hate that my body physically rejects
all attempts at eating food

I hate that I'm always sorry
For things that aren’t my fault

I hate the thoughts my brain creates
I can’t deal with the assault

I hate all of the little things
Hanging on my shelf

But the one thing that I hate the most
Is how much I hate myself

sometimes I think I miss you
but then I think again
and realize that I don't need you
as a "buddy" or a "friend"

You hurt my heart
you hurt my soul
but without you here
I am still whole.

You can take yourself away from me
and try to make me mad
but it isn't gonna work, ya know
Because I'm all done being sad

I'm happier without you
and I dont care what you believe,
my life's only gotten better
since I stopped stopping your leave

I'm not sleeping
I'm not eating
and I don't think my heart is beating
My head is light
My vision's blurred
The words I try to say are slurred
I'm drunk, I'm high
I'm ******, I'm wrecked
Please wrap your hands around my neck
choke all this "life" out of me
while I apologize for trying to breathe

I've got this real good friend at home,
I call her Mary Jane
I spend a lot of time with her,
at least an hour everyday.

She sets fire to my anger,
We watch my doubts all dance away.
When she raises my head into the clouds
I feel like everything's okay.

Some of my friends don't like her,
and that I understand,
Sometimes it's overwhelming
When Mary Jane takes your hand.

Some days she takes you far away from you
and says she wants to play a game,
and then, next thing you know
she tries to climb inside your brain.

But I'm at peace with her you see,
We're roommates now. Ya know,
Id rather hang with Mary Jane
than her crazy brother Blow.

You made me believe that wishes came true,
but I've wasted all my shooting stars on you.
Now look, you're not here, you've left me forever
I can't stop the tears, I can't keep it together.

I'm afraid of myself, of the things I might do,
I'm afraid of my heart, and that's because of you.
I'm afraid to let anyone get close enough to hurt me,
I just hope you're the last one who's able to burn me.

I burst into flames, and went down into ashes,
I'm afraid of my brain, and my chemical crashes.

I remember the last night that we both watched the sky,
We saw one speeding light, we pointed as it soared by.
That night, on that star, my one wish was you.
You left me shortly after, I hope your wish came true.

I don't want to talk,
Please, don't make me speak.
I don't want to stand,
My body's too weak.

I feel like I'm falling
down ten thousand feet.
Please, just let me sit down,
I'm safe here, in my seat.

I'm safe here, in the shadows,
this is where I belong.
Here, I can try, and succeed,
Here, nothing feels wrong.

Wait, no...
Don't ask me those questions,
My answers won't be right.
I'm afraid I might mention
what happens at night...

The voices, the sounds,
but nobody's around...
I'm led to the ocean,
Please, don't let me drown.

I'm held down,
I'm drowning,
I just can't resurface.
I know I'm nothing astounding,
I'm just looking for purpose.

It's valentine’s day.
But it’s not like I care.
The smell of teenage “love”
Is filling the air.
Once again I’m alone
In my silent despair.
All I really want
Is for someone to care.
For someone to see
I'm not as bad as before,
For someone to believe
I'm not a monster anymore.

I was sitting in a seat
on what used to be your school bus.
The only thought running through my head
was "What the ****".

You messaged me while I was in class
and you asked me
to come see you after school.
As I read your messages
and for some reason agreed,
I just kept thinking
"What the ****"

Why did you want to see me?
Why did I want to see you?
Did I even want to?
I don't think I really did.
I still don't know how I felt
aside from nervous and afraid.

Friends asked me where I was going
and I didn't tell them.
I was ashamed.
But was I ashamed of myself? for GOING to see you?
Or was it because I was going to see YOU?

As I walked up your driveway
I remembered all the times
we had sat beneath the stars,
filling our lungs with nicotine, dope and lust.
And as I walked into the house
you were nowhere to be seen,
"What the ****"

I crept downstairs and uncertainty crept into my chest.
I knocked softly on your broken door
as I had a million times before,
but this time, when I heard "come in"
I  wanted to run away.

What the **** was I doing?
Why was I there?
What the ****
What the ****
WHAT THE ****

I took a deep breath
and tried to stop the shaking of my hands
as I slowly pushed your door open
to see you sitting on your bed.
You looked so different
after 4 months of invisibility,
but still all the same.

Your hair was cut short
no longer long and wavy,
but still greasy.
Your smile was slightly dulled,
but you glowed as you walked towards me
and pulled me in for a hug.

Feeling your body against mine,
Your arms around my waist,
Your warmth,
Your heartbeat.
All I could think as I breathed in
your scent that I had secretly missed,
was "What the ****."

What the **** am I doing here?
What the **** is going to happen while I'm here with him?
What the **** do I expect?
How do I feel?
How do I want to feel?
How am I supposed to feel?
What are feelings?
What do they mean?
What the ****?!?

And then you were holding my hand
and telling me how much you had missed me
and how sorry you were for disappearing for so long.
I told you it was all okay.
What the ****? Why?
It wasn't okay.

I had spent the last 4 months
Writing
Missing
Wanting
Craving
Hating
Loathing
Screaming
and Crying
about the fire that raged
inside my heart and inside my brain
because of the damage that you had caused.

But all the hate randomly vanished
as you pressed your lips against mine.
As you pulled me closer.
As your hands began to explore my shaking body.
And then, just like that,
I was yours
just the same as before.
What the ****?

We spent 3 hours
wrapped up in each other,
and afterwards you told me that you loved me,
and when it was time for me to go,
you kissed me before helping me climb into the car.
As you drove me home
all I could think was
"I hope I can see you again soon"

What the ****?