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Téa Rhyno Mar 2018
I've excused the abuse,
because by now I'm so used to
being refused
the option to choose
what I gain, what I lose,
or the ways that I'm used.
My body is bruised.
I've pumped myself full of *****.
my hearts beginning to ooze...
I'm so ******* confused.
I'm only ever accused
of the things I cant do,
and I try to defuse
the bomb that you use
but I always run out of time.
This life's a game made to lose.
I really just need to transfuse
all these feelings of feeling used,
and abused, and confused, and targeted as a muse.
But it's like they're all fused
to my ******* broken soul.
my body's constantly shaking,
I'm unable to hold
onto anything worth taking.
"You're unloved because you're cold.".
I'm not trying to push you away...
I swear my heart's made of gold...
And yet, here I am
unmoved, unimproved
still not doing what I was told.
thinking too much can put you in difficult positions, crossroads if you will. Different things make me feel different emotions. Emotions make me feel even more different, more articulate emotions.
Téa Rhyno Mar 2018
I've got this real good friend at home,
I call her Mary Jane
I spend a lot of time with her,
at least an hour everyday.

She sets fire to my anger,
We watch my doubts all dance away.
When she raises my head into the clouds
I feel like everything's okay.

Some of my friends don't like her,
and that I understand,
Sometimes it's overwhelming
When Mary Jane takes your hand.

Some days she takes you far away from you
and says she wants to play a game,
and then, next thing you know
she tries to climb inside your brain.

But I'm at peace with her you see,
We're roommates now. Ya know,
Id rather hang with Mary Jane
than her crazy brother Blow.
Téa Rhyno Mar 2018
Some people say that love
is the only thing you need to be happy.
But is that really true?
If someone actually loved me,
like, REALLY loved me,
would that make me happy?

Maybe I want to be happy on my own..
Am I capable of making myself happy?
My depression says " you know you can't".
I mean, I guess it's true,
I'm not happy. I haven't been in a while..
And I'm all alone...

So I need someone?
Do I really need someone?
Someone who thinks they need me too?
Is that the key to this lock
that I've been trying to pick for years,
with broken nails and shaky hands?
Another person?
A boy who sees something in my eyes
besides a dim light, desperately trying to shine
over a raging sea of tears?

Maybe he is the key.
Or maybe he holds it.
But where is the lock?
Where? Here?
Buried inside my chest?
The lock is... my heart..?

But what will happen to me
if this boy unlocks me with his key?
What if my chest explodes
giving him the perfect opportunity
to steal my soul from my body?
To take my life away?

Is this life without love?
Do you need to love
and be loved
to finally feel alive?
                                           What is "Love"?
im just super confused
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
I was sitting in a seat
on what used to be your school bus.
The only thought running through my head
was "What the ****".

You messaged me while I was in class
and you asked me
to come see you after school.
As I read your messages
and for some reason agreed,
I just kept thinking
"What the ****"

Why did you want to see me?
Why did I want to see you?
Did I even want to?
I don't think I really did.
I still don't know how I felt
aside from nervous and afraid.

Friends asked me where I was going
and I didn't tell them.
I was ashamed.
But was I ashamed of myself? for GOING to see you?
Or was it because I was going to see YOU?

As I walked up your driveway
I remembered all the times
we had sat beneath the stars,
filling our lungs with nicotine, dope and lust.
And as I walked into the house
you were nowhere to be seen,
"What the ****"

I crept downstairs and uncertainty crept into my chest.
I knocked softly on your broken door
as I had a million times before,
but this time, when I heard "come in"
I  wanted to run away.

What the **** was I doing?
Why was I there?
What the ****
What the ****

I took a deep breath
and tried to stop the shaking of my hands
as I slowly pushed your door open
to see you sitting on your bed.
You looked so different
after 4 months of invisibility,
but still all the same.

Your hair was cut short
no longer long and wavy,
but still greasy.
Your smile was slightly dulled,
but you glowed as you walked towards me
and pulled me in for a hug.

Feeling your body against mine,
Your arms around my waist,
Your warmth,
Your heartbeat.
All I could think as I breathed in
your scent that I had secretly missed,
was "What the ****."

What the **** am I doing here?
What the **** is going to happen while I'm here with him?
What the **** do I expect?
How do I feel?
How do I want to feel?
How am I supposed to feel?
What are feelings?
What do they mean?
What the ****?!?

And then you were holding my hand
and telling me how much you had missed me
and how sorry you were for disappearing for so long.
I told you it was all okay.
What the ****? Why?
It wasn't okay.

I had spent the last 4 months
and Crying
about the fire that raged
inside my heart and inside my brain
because of the damage that you had caused.

But all the hate randomly vanished
as you pressed your lips against mine.
As you pulled me closer.
As your hands began to explore my shaking body.
And then, just like that,
I was yours
just the same as before.
What the ****?

We spent 3 hours
wrapped up in each other,
and afterwards you told me that you loved me,
and when it was time for me to go,
you kissed me before helping me climb into the car.
As you drove me home
all I could think was
"I hope I can see you again soon"

What the ****?
why do i agree to spend time with you while my brain is telling me i should still hate your ******* guts? do i love you? do you love me? what the ****.
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
You messaged me tonight
To tell me that you were sorry.
You apologized for all the pain
you caused.
You didn't expect me to want to talk,
You said you understood that I "hate" you for what you'd done.

You mentioned that you had read
Some of the words I've written
About you.
You congratulated me for
finally putting myself
"Out there".

You told me you missed me.
You told me you loved me.
You told me you'd like to see me again
sometime really soon.

Sirens started going off in my head.
My thought scattered.
I felt my heart sinking
into the depths of my chest
as my thumbs danced over my keyboard
While I tried to come up with a way to respond to you.

As the storm inside my stomach raged
and the ocean in my brain
dripped from my eyes
I typed out a final goodbye.
Why the **** would you do this to me tonight. I have school tomorrow you *******.  It's 1am.
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
sometimes I think I miss you
but then I think again
and realize that I don't need you
as a "buddy" or a "friend"

You hurt my heart
you hurt my soul
but without you here
I am still whole.

You can take yourself away from me
and try to make me mad
but it isn't gonna work, ya know
Because I'm all done being sad

I'm happier without you
and I dont care what you believe,
my life's only gotten better
since I stopped stopping your leave
I missed you for months. You ruined me but all I wanted was for you to come back. *******.
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
your lies
they wow and terrify

your lies
bring tears to my blue eyes

your lies
I've learned to recognize

your lies
April's, May's, June's, then July's

your lies
boy, they immobilize

your lies
are no longer a surprise

I'm done trying to compromise
Just leave me, now.
And take your lies.
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