I was sitting in a seat
on what used to be your school bus.
The only thought running through my head
was "What the ****".

You messaged me while I was in class
and you asked me
to come see you after school.
As I read your messages
and for some reason agreed,
I just kept thinking
"What the ****"

Why did you want to see me?
Why did I want to see you?
Did I even want to?
I don't think I really did.
I still don't know how I felt
aside from nervous and afraid.

Friends asked me where I was going
and I didn't tell them.
I was ashamed.
But was I ashamed of myself? for GOING to see you?
Or was it because I was going to see YOU?

As I walked up your driveway
I remembered all the times
we had sat beneath the stars,
filling our lungs with nicotine, dope and lust.
And as I walked into the house
you were nowhere to be seen,
"What the ****"

I crept downstairs and uncertainty crept into my chest.
I knocked softly on your broken door
as I had a million times before,
but this time, when I heard "come in"
I  wanted to run away.

What the **** was I doing?
Why was I there?
What the ****
What the ****
WHAT THE ****

I took a deep breath
and tried to stop the shaking of my hands
as I slowly pushed your door open
to see you sitting on your bed.
You looked so different
after 4 months of invisibility,
but still all the same.

Your hair was cut short
no longer long and wavy,
but still greasy.
Your smile was slightly dulled,
but you glowed as you walked towards me
and pulled me in for a hug.

Feeling your body against mine,
Your arms around my waist,
Your warmth,
Your heartbeat.
All I could think as I breathed in
your scent that I had secretly missed,
was "What the ****."

What the **** am I doing here?
What the **** is going to happen while I'm here with him?
What the **** do I expect?
How do I feel?
How do I want to feel?
How am I supposed to feel?
What are feelings?
What do they mean?
What the ****?!?

And then you were holding my hand
and telling me how much you had missed me
and how sorry you were for disappearing for so long.
I told you it was all okay.
What the ****? Why?
It wasn't okay.

I had spent the last 4 months
Writing
Missing
Wanting
Craving
Hating
Loathing
Screaming
and Crying
about the fire that raged
inside my heart and inside my brain
because of the damage that you had caused.

But all the hate randomly vanished
as you pressed your lips against mine.
As you pulled me closer.
As your hands began to explore my shaking body.
And then, just like that,
I was yours
just the same as before.
What the ****?

We spent 3 hours
wrapped up in each other,
and afterwards you told me that you loved me,
and when it was time for me to go,
you kissed me before helping me climb into the car.
As you drove me home
all I could think was
"I hope I can see you again soon"

What the ****?