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Mar 2018 · 295
Crossroad blues
Téa Rhyno Mar 2018
I've excused the abuse,
because by now I'm so used to
being refused
the option to choose
what I gain, what I lose,
or the ways that I'm used.
My body is bruised.
I've pumped myself full of *****.
my hearts beginning to ooze...
I'm so ******* confused.
I'm only ever accused
of the things I cant do,
and I try to defuse
the bomb that you use
but I always run out of time.
This life's a game made to lose.
I really just need to transfuse
all these feelings of feeling used,
and abused, and confused, and targeted as a muse.
But it's like they're all fused
to my ******* broken soul.
my body's constantly shaking,
I'm unable to hold
onto anything worth taking.
"You're unloved because you're cold.".
I'm not trying to push you away...
I swear my heart's made of gold...
And yet, here I am
unmoved, unimproved
still not doing what I was told.
thinking too much can put you in difficult positions, crossroads if you will. Different things make me feel different emotions. Emotions make me feel even more different, more articulate emotions.
Mar 2018 · 405
Mary Jane
Téa Rhyno Mar 2018
I've got this real good friend at home,
I call her Mary Jane
I spend a lot of time with her,
at least an hour everyday.

She sets fire to my anger,
We watch my doubts all dance away.
When she raises my head into the clouds
I feel like everything's okay.

Some of my friends don't like her,
and that I understand,
Sometimes it's overwhelming
When Mary Jane takes your hand.

Some days she takes you far away from you
and says she wants to play a game,
and then, next thing you know
she tries to climb inside your brain.

But I'm at peace with her you see,
We're roommates now. Ya know,
Id rather hang with Mary Jane
than her crazy brother Blow.
Mar 2018 · 219
What is "love"?
Téa Rhyno Mar 2018
Some people say that love
is the only thing you need to be happy.
But is that really true?
If someone actually loved me,
like, REALLY loved me,
would that make me happy?

Maybe I want to be happy on my own..
Am I capable of making myself happy?
My depression says " you know you can't".
I mean, I guess it's true,
I'm not happy. I haven't been in a while..
And I'm all alone...

So I need someone?
Do I really need someone?
Someone who thinks they need me too?
Is that the key to this lock
that I've been trying to pick for years,
with broken nails and shaky hands?
Another person?
A boy who sees something in my eyes
besides a dim light, desperately trying to shine
over a raging sea of tears?

Maybe he is the key.
Or maybe he holds it.
But where is the lock?
Where? Here?
Buried inside my chest?
The lock is... my heart..?

But what will happen to me
if this boy unlocks me with his key?
What if my chest explodes
giving him the perfect opportunity
to steal my soul from my body?
To take my life away?

Is this life without love?
Do you need to love
and be loved
to finally feel alive?
                                           What is "Love"?
im just super confused
Feb 2018 · 291
What the fuck
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
I was sitting in a seat
on what used to be your school bus.
The only thought running through my head
was "What the ****".

You messaged me while I was in class
and you asked me
to come see you after school.
As I read your messages
and for some reason agreed,
I just kept thinking
"What the ****"

Why did you want to see me?
Why did I want to see you?
Did I even want to?
I don't think I really did.
I still don't know how I felt
aside from nervous and afraid.

Friends asked me where I was going
and I didn't tell them.
I was ashamed.
But was I ashamed of myself? for GOING to see you?
Or was it because I was going to see YOU?

As I walked up your driveway
I remembered all the times
we had sat beneath the stars,
filling our lungs with nicotine, dope and lust.
And as I walked into the house
you were nowhere to be seen,
"What the ****"

I crept downstairs and uncertainty crept into my chest.
I knocked softly on your broken door
as I had a million times before,
but this time, when I heard "come in"
I  wanted to run away.

What the **** was I doing?
Why was I there?
What the ****
What the ****
WHAT THE ****

I took a deep breath
and tried to stop the shaking of my hands
as I slowly pushed your door open
to see you sitting on your bed.
You looked so different
after 4 months of invisibility,
but still all the same.

Your hair was cut short
no longer long and wavy,
but still greasy.
Your smile was slightly dulled,
but you glowed as you walked towards me
and pulled me in for a hug.

Feeling your body against mine,
Your arms around my waist,
Your warmth,
Your heartbeat.
All I could think as I breathed in
your scent that I had secretly missed,
was "What the ****."

What the **** am I doing here?
What the **** is going to happen while I'm here with him?
What the **** do I expect?
How do I feel?
How do I want to feel?
How am I supposed to feel?
What are feelings?
What do they mean?
What the ****?!?

And then you were holding my hand
and telling me how much you had missed me
and how sorry you were for disappearing for so long.
I told you it was all okay.
What the ****? Why?
It wasn't okay.

I had spent the last 4 months
Writing
Missing
Wanting
Craving
Hating
Loathing
Screaming
and Crying
about the fire that raged
inside my heart and inside my brain
because of the damage that you had caused.

But all the hate randomly vanished
as you pressed your lips against mine.
As you pulled me closer.
As your hands began to explore my shaking body.
And then, just like that,
I was yours
just the same as before.
What the ****?

We spent 3 hours
wrapped up in each other,
and afterwards you told me that you loved me,
and when it was time for me to go,
you kissed me before helping me climb into the car.
As you drove me home
all I could think was
"I hope I can see you again soon"

What the ****?
why do i agree to spend time with you while my brain is telling me i should still hate your ******* guts? do i love you? do you love me? what the ****.
Feb 2018 · 663
A late night message
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
You messaged me tonight
To tell me that you were sorry.
You apologized for all the pain
you caused.
You didn't expect me to want to talk,
You said you understood that I "hate" you for what you'd done.

You mentioned that you had read
Some of the words I've written
About you.
You congratulated me for
finally putting myself
"Out there".

You told me you missed me.
You told me you loved me.
You told me you'd like to see me again
sometime really soon.

Sirens started going off in my head.
My thought scattered.
I felt my heart sinking
into the depths of my chest
as my thumbs danced over my keyboard
While I tried to come up with a way to respond to you.

As the storm inside my stomach raged
and the ocean in my brain
dripped from my eyes
I typed out a final goodbye.
Why the **** would you do this to me tonight. I have school tomorrow you *******.  It's 1am.
Feb 2018 · 1.5k
Im happier without you.
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
sometimes I think I miss you
but then I think again
and realize that I don't need you
as a "buddy" or a "friend"

You hurt my heart
you hurt my soul
but without you here
I am still whole.

You can take yourself away from me
and try to make me mad
but it isn't gonna work, ya know
Because I'm all done being sad

I'm happier without you
and I dont care what you believe,
my life's only gotten better
since I stopped stopping your leave
I missed you for months. You ruined me but all I wanted was for you to come back. *******.
Feb 2018 · 248
Lies
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
your lies
they wow and terrify

your lies
bring tears to my blue eyes

your lies
I've learned to recognize

your lies
April's, May's, June's, then July's

your lies
boy, they immobilize

your lies
are no longer a surprise

I'm done trying to compromise
Just leave me, now.
And take your lies.
Feb 2018 · 360
I've got hope for May
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
My days lately
have been sad, and dark and grey
I hope to find better, brighter days
maybe in the month of May

April hasn't come yet
but I'm prepared for oncoming showers
maybe all the clouds I see over my head
are just trying to water my flowers

The flowers that were frozen over
in the harsh month of December
the ones I've buried deep, deep down
the ones I can't remember

I know that the day will come
when all my flowers can finally bloom
I hope that time comes to me soon
but if not in May, then maybe June
Feb 2018 · 245
18 years
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
18 years
I'm almost there

18 years
and I am still so scared

18 years
on April 14th

18 years
and I still can't define "me"

18 years
my Dad thanked me for making 16

18 years
I must apologize for being so mean

18 years
full of fits of rage

This 18th year
will release me from the cage

over 18 years
I've learned to try and cope

so, here's to 18 more
I guess I've still got hope
Feb 2018 · 423
Trying
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
staring at the stars,
I've never felt so small.
I realize that the universe is so incredibly huge,
that nothing in it matters at all.

anything that I will ever do
will eventually be forgotten,
so it doesn't really matter
what sort of trouble I get caught in.

I know it matters to my parents
that I graduate this year,
but I'm starting what I want to do
by posting my amature poems here.

I'm sharing my thoughts with strangers,
and trying to make them rhyme,
but like I mentioned earlier,
my words will all be forgotten with time.

but that's not going to stop me
from trying to become a "writer",
I can do this from my bedroom,
it makes my heart feel a little lighter.

I'm just trying to find my place,
I'm trying to be happy.
I'm feeling a bit of grace
even if these poems are ****** :P
Feb 2018 · 208
I couldn't save us.
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
Pulsing.
I can feel the liquid
flowing through my veins.

I can feel the anger
pouring into my brain
from the darkest pieces of my heart.

I can feel my fingernails
slicing open the palms of my hands
as I try to
"Get a grip."
just like you said.
As I try
to hold myself back.

Don't do it.
Don't explode.
Im in control.
Please don't.

****.. oh ****..
It's happening.
I'm gone.
You're gone.

It's all gone,
blown to bits.
And I'm the only one to blame.
I'm sorry that I could not
extinguish my flame
in time to save us.
Feb 2018 · 217
I know you're still here.
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
I'm laying in my bed
and yet,
I can feel the waves of the ocean.

I'm sitting safely in his car
but it feels like
I'm a passenger on a crashing plane.

I'm standing in my front yard
and even though I recognize the scene,
I'm in a whole new world.

I'm talking to you like everything is okay,
and you think you know who you're standing with,
But this person you see before you
is no longer me.

I'm no longer happy.
I'm sad to say that now
I can't look at a mirror
without coming face to face with a stranger.

I want to get better,
but things are getting bad again.
and I don't think that I can do it by myself...

But I know you're still here.
And because you're still here,
because you haven't left me like the others,
I know that I don't have to.
Feb 2018 · 1.8k
A list of things I hate
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
I used to like a lot of things
But now the magic’s gone,
So here’s a list of things I hate
Sorry if I ramble on…

I hate the way my voice sounds
When I’m talking to my "friends"

I hate the long and lonely nights
They never seem to end

I hate the sunlight in my eyes
The tears steadily fall

I hate the people in this house
My Mom, my Dad, I hate them all

I hate the way my body looks
I hate the fat and curves

I hate the way my brain functions
I’m always on my own nerves

I hate that I’m forced to write
Just to keep my memory

I hate the people I cry over
When they were happy leaving me

I hate that I rely on drugs
To keep me in a decent mood

I hate that my body physically rejects
all attempts at eating food

I hate that I'm always sorry
For things that aren’t my fault

I hate the thoughts my brain creates
I can’t deal with the assault

I hate all of the little things
Hanging on my shelf

But the one thing that I hate the most
Is how much I hate myself
Feb 2018 · 894
Valentine's day
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
It's valentine’s day.
But it’s not like I care.
The smell of teenage “love”
Is filling the air.
Once again I’m alone
In my silent despair.
All I really want
Is for someone to care.
For someone to see
I'm not as bad as before,
For someone to believe
I'm not a monster anymore.
Feb 2018 · 201
Thoughts and Feelings
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
I don't want to talk,
Please, don't make me speak.
I don't want to stand,
My body's too weak.

I feel like I'm falling
down ten thousand feet.
Please, just let me sit down,
I'm safe here, in my seat.

I'm safe here, in the shadows,
this is where I belong.
Here, I can try, and succeed,
Here, nothing feels wrong.

Wait, no...
Don't ask me those questions,
My answers won't be right.
I'm afraid I might mention
what happens at night...

The voices, the sounds,
but nobody's around...
I'm led to the ocean,
Please, don't let me drown.

I'm held down,
I'm drowning,
I just can't resurface.
I know I'm nothing astounding,
I'm just looking for purpose.
Feb 2018 · 224
Shooting Stars
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
You made me believe that wishes came true,
but I've wasted all my shooting stars on you.
Now look, you're not here, you've left me forever
I can't stop the tears, I can't keep it together.

I'm afraid of myself, of the things I might do,
I'm afraid of my heart, and that's because of you.
I'm afraid to let anyone get close enough to hurt me,
I just hope you're the last one who's able to burn me.

I burst into flames, and went down into ashes,
I'm afraid of my brain, and my chemical crashes.

I remember the last night that we both watched the sky,
We saw one speeding light, we pointed as it soared by.
That night, on that star, my one wish was you.
You left me shortly after, I hope your wish came true.
Feb 2018 · 266
"I'm Sorry..."
Téa Rhyno Feb 2018
I'm not sleeping
I'm not eating
and I don't think my heart is beating
My head is light
My vision's blurred
The words I try to say are slurred
I'm drunk, I'm high
I'm ******, I'm wrecked
Please wrap your hands around my neck
choke all this "life" out of me
while I apologize for trying to breathe

— The End —