Anxiety,
When aren't near me,
Anxiety,
When you don't talk to me

Maybe it's because today I've had too much caffeine,
But I've got you circling my mind and it's not too keen,
On the fact that you haven't talked to me in more than a minute,
If you called I'd tell you that I really don't like it,
I'm trying not to blow up your phone with texts,
They say it's more when you leave a guy with less,
You really don't like it when anyone plays games,
The problem is that it's getting kind of late,
And I've been getting fewer good night texts,
It's been messing a  bit with my head,
But I know you're in your own lately,
So I'm trying not to take it too personally,
I miss you every time you aren't right here,
Since this pillow doesn't have the same feel,
When I cuddle it by myself at night,
Sometimes I like to leave on a light,
And hope you'll walk right in my door,
Loneliness isn't a feeling I want to afford,
Not anymore, because I'm getting too **** old,
To spend so much time alone and cold,
I'd rather have you, my personal furnace,
And I know all of this with the sureness,
Of someone who's kissed way too many *******,
To know when I've found the perfect *******,
I'm done ******* around,
I'll say it so **** loud,
I want you,
And only you,

Anxiety,
When aren't near me,
Anxiety,
When you don't talk to me.

How do you say that you don’t care about who touches me now with such a lack of emotion,
When the thought of someone doing the same to you makes me burn with enough rage to fill an ocean,
Yet I continue to believe you every time, and then I wake up a week later with you on my missed call list,
It really feels like we’re just a failed connection that could’ve been something, but now it’s time to cease and desist,
At this point, I give in to the inevitability that we were never truly meant to be,
That we lost our chance with all the times you chose another her over me,
Maybe in another lifetime, our souls will meet again,
But I’ve got to say I hope not, so this is the end,

I can’t keep falling for you, just to have you trip me,
Like a mirage or a trick that I don’t ever see coming,
And maybe I’m just tired of not being able to breathe,
Because I know you’re telling her the same sweet nothings,
You used to whisper to me,

Each time I’ve tried to pull away you would just convince me I was the problem while looking me right in the eyes,
Your tongue always manipulated me into agreeing I didn’t love you enough while coated in the sweetest lies,
And I’d fall in this trap over and over, so is it fate that it’s happening to you now?
Maybe you shouldn’t have ****** in Karma’s Wheaties so many times, but anyhow,
You’ll never see the fault in your own doing, blaming everyone else for every single one of your issues,
I’m personally done being a punching bag for your emotional problems while metaphorically handing you tissues,
So please find the nearest exit and remember to never darken my door again,
The only parting gift I’ll give you is the advice to wrap it with your next “friend,”

I can’t keep falling for you, just to have you trip me,
Like a mirage or a trick that I don’t ever see coming,
And maybe I’m just tired of not being able to breathe,
Because I know you’re telling her the same sweet nothings,
That I used to let you whisper to me.

You can whisper in all their ears Paul,
Pride did always come before the fall.

Maybe I'm just a wandering soul,
Looking for its home,
Only to find it never belonged in this world at all,
That I was truly a demon who got lost in the fall,
From hell, because that's how I get looked at,
Like a pretty lost devil woman who would steal your cat,
But I won't,
And I'm not,
I'm just a lone wolf who wouldn't hurt a fly,
And if they did, they'd wish to lay down and die,
Because hurting myself is one thing,
Hurting others is not okay to me,
But I still get looked at like I'm an alien,
Lost from a world of sadism,
And I don't wanna be a loner anymore,
I don't want to be a lonely *****,
Pick me up next time I'm drunk and laying by myself on the floor,
Trying to cope with this feeling of not belonging behind even my own door,
Nightmares of carpeted basements dancing in my head,
That's why I fear to sleep, for sleeping makes me feel like death,
And why has no one asked me today,
If I am okay? Am I okay?
Yes, but no I'm also not,
Because moving on is hard,
And I still don't belong anywhere,
The worst part is that no one cares.
No one cares...
No one cares...

I’m way too close to turning Thirty-Three,
It’s 1:30 in the morning and I’m seething,
I’m surrounded by friends constantly in turmoil,
But **** it if they won’t tell you they’re loyal,
Just once I’d like someone to respect my boundaries,
And not end the day on some B.S. moral quandary,
Debating if I should put someone’s needs before mine,
Because it’s driving me over the edge in my mind,

Everybody will scream “WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?”
While you’re right next to them clearly drowning,
What has this world come to, when no one cares what harm their extra baggage will do,
As long as they’re getting the attention they seek, who cares about me or you?

I don’t want to get older, I haven’t done enough,
Haven’t settled down,  and found my one true love,
Unless you count ******* everything up,
But ah, ***** it some of it’s been kind of fun,
Not going to lie, I’d take back a few of the things I’ve done,
But I’d never take back who I’ve grown up to become,
I’ll end this by bragging that my Mom says I’m quite wonderful,
And as she found out far too late I’m also quite nonrefundable,

Everybody will scream “WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?”
While you’re right next to them clearly drowning,
What has this world come to, when no one cares what harm their extra baggage will do,
As long as they’re getting the attention they seek, who cares about me or you?

******* and your ******* face Paul,
Cause you must have tripped me to make me fall,
(This hard for you)
******* and your ******* wife Paul,
Cause you don't know how to tell the truth at all,
(Unless it benefits you)

Who let you out of the cage into the general population?
Someone ****** up somewhere for that to happen,
You don't care about anyone but the reflection that looks back at you,
And I've been waiting patiently for the day you get caught at what you do,
Think you hide so well all the girls you juggle like it's okay,
But you've been dropping *****, all over the place,
And I'll expose you one of these days,
For all the lies you say,

******* and your ******* face Paul,
Cause you must have tripped me to make me fall,
(This hard for you)
******* and your ******* mistress Paul,
Cause you don't know how to tell the truth at all,
(Unless it benefits you)

Hey *******, I didn't call you that cause you're good at head,
I named you that cause you can't even do that right in bed,
More O's more with a man I met a few months ago,
Than you who I've been ******* with 2 1/2 years next fall,
You think you're Gods gift to women,
You're not even close in my opinion,
In fact if you call, I'll be busy washing my hair,
For the foreseeable future, so how about we not anymore?

******* and your ******* face Paul,
Cause you must have tripped me to make me fall,
(This hard for you)
******* and your ******* side chicks Paul,
Cause you don't know how to tell the truth at all,
(Unless it benefits you)

Why do you make me bleed bleed, bleed bleed, keep me bleeding,
It's like you're only happy when I'm on the edge of walking away and leaving,
You love me confused, blurred between sanity and insanity,
But every moment whether it's with or without you is calamity,
And I'm so close to losing it again,
The psych ward is becoming my best friend,
And I don't like it, but you don't seem to give a single ****,
I'm just waiting for when my heart said it's had enough,
Cause that ******* is dumb as ****,
Let's you beat it to pulp and asks for one more hit,
My head's been screaming for awhile now to please let go and not to linger,
But I still have at least have one more fiber of skin left hanging on in my *******,

******* for not walking away when you can see I'm incapable,
You're not gonna leave me until I'm broken and beyond savable,
You want every piece of me that's not broken, and I'll tell you it's not many,
And all the shards are screaming out, "Please somebody save me!'

You, you just love that I love you, and it's not quite the same,
As a love that doesn't keep making you feel more in (*******) sane,
But I don't think you really know the difference,
You only think love is real when it's toxic as ****,
And me, I just want for once to feel okay,
Not to wake up dreading another day,
But you, you don't care as long as I'm paying attention,
What happens though if you push me over the edge of my depression?
Just one step too many and you know I'll down a hand-full of pills,
Not look back until I wake up in the ER or looking down at myself buried under a hill,
Sometimes though I wonder,
If you want me six feet under,
Just for the ability,
To ask other girls for their sympathy,

******* for not walking away when you can see I'm incapable,
You're not gonna leave me until I'm broken and beyond savable,
You want every piece of me that's not broken, and I'll tell you it's not many,
And all the shards are screaming out, "Please somebody save me!'

Why do I let you treat me more ****** up than I deserve?
I've been asked this time and again, and I wish had the nerve,
To say enough is enough like they all wish I would,
But there's a monster in me that needs to be treated like less than dirt,
It feeds off my misery and is only contented when I'm depressed,
Between the edge of sanity and insanity I must have confessed,
This to you at some point, and now it's like you get off on the fact,
That I won't walk away no matter how badly you act,
And yes, there is care and love underneath all of the self-torment,
But it's a twisted kind that feeds off of your dark sentiments,
It gets off when you ***** another chick and I take you back like that can undo,
All of the ******* I you continue to let you put me through ,
But if you loved me, you wouldn't hurt me over and over like you do,
Please can you let me go, or my mom will be burying another child, this I promise you,


You're the worst kind of drug, you don't just feed me with the all of the emotional highs,
But you also reinforce it with the sweetest of words that tell me what I am doing is right,
We've become too entwined in this entanglement,
So let's find a way to turn this into a disentanglement,


Because I tend to self-medicate with anything that's close enough to grab,
And you've quickly become my favorite crutch to lean upon when I'm in a jam,
It's not alright and it doesn't really work for either of us anymore,
It hasn't for awhile, and I've been tired of feeling like your secret *****,
I see that whatever demon is eating you,
Likes feeding off of mine a little bit too much too,
And too long it's been draining me,
Do you not care what's you're doing, or too dumb to see?
Now I can only look up to the stars,
And wish on them so **** hard,
But they don't listen to me and neither do you,
So please let me go, or I'll be another grave in your rear view,
Another name to tattoo somewhere,
If you even care enough to dare,


You're the worst kind of drug, you don't just feed me with the all of the emotional highs,
But you also reinforce it with the sweetest of words that tell me what I am doing is right,
We've become too entwined in this entanglement,
So let's find a way to turn this into a disentanglement,

Because I was busy looking at him, I thought it was too late,
To ever fall in love again, or move on,
But you said we'd just be fun,
So I said come over, we'll hang out,
But then all the things we talked about,
How we had toxic people we couldn't get enough of,
And that night I don't know how happened, was it you or all the drugs?
It could've been the Molly mixing with our feelings of affection,
But I never felt so struck when I first touched someone, I was so effected,
And I never want it to end, no not again,
I want us forever to stay in my bed,
Have what's mine become ours,
And have a clean start,

Because I was under the spell of someone who won't let me go,
They pop up every time I'm feeling like I'm most vulnerable,
And they claw their way back into the deepest part of my heart,
Then tear it to shreds, and leave on the floor like it's piece of art,
But you soothe all of my shattered soul,
And for that now I'm the one not letting go,

Maybe one day we can start a family that we shared we both dream of,
But first I need to work out if this is even a healthy kind of love,
Because every time I fall it's just to land on my face,
And to find that I'm left behind without a trace,
I can't take being abandoned again,
Because I love you, but you're also a good friend,
And you helped me leave behind someone who hurt me for so long,
I can't thank you enough for being there for me, even if it is kind of wrong,
Because I have a habit of loving men who are attached,
You have a girlfriend, and you need to leave her, that's become a fact,
I won't be your secret love,
The side *****, feeling like a ****,
I won't be that again, no not anymore,
It's not a feeling I can afford,

Because I was under the spell of someone who won't let me go,
They pop up every time I'm feeling like I'm most vulnerable,
And they claw their way back into the deepest part of my heart,
Then tear it to shreds, and leave on the floor like it's piece of art,
But you soothe all of my shattered soul,
And for that now I'm the one not letting go.

Wish I had some harder drugs to get high,
To get rid of the feelings of when you lie,
Straight to my face,
Who did you **** today?
I know you're not telling the truth when you say no one,
And I should have some self-respect, and be done,
But I've been on this ride for so long,
I don't know how to even get off,
And I just keep calling it love,
But maybe this toxicity just is not enough,
Anymore,
What for?

For all the lies he feeds me about a future only he can ever see,
Because all I can envision is the past and everything he kept promising to me,
Then he handed to someone else on a silver platter while I begged for scraps of affection,
I just want to be free, free of the love he gives me that's no more than an addiction,

It's killing me slowly,
Bringing me so low, see,
I'm on the ground ***** and crawling,
Not seeing the writing on the wall that's scrolling,
Over and over warning me to run,
Find someone who doesn't think it's fun,
To make me cry at night in bed all alone,
While he can't answer the ******* phone,
Cause his wife is next to him,
And what do I have, *****?
Nothing at all,
Who for?

For the man who feeds me lies about a future only he can ever see,
Because all I can envision is the past and everything he kept promising to me,
Then he handed to someone else on a silver platter while I begged for scraps of affection,
I just want to be free, free of the love he gives me that's no more than an addiction.

You're too much of a coward to admit the truth,
what happened between us was nothing new,
But you're a weak man,
And therefore you can't stand,
By my side, no,
Please just go,
You're not a lion baby,
Just scared, and kinda shady,
Like a newborn lamb,
You'll be slaughtered when they understand,
I'm not crazy and you're a liar,
I hope your words get dragged through the fire,
And brought to the light for how wrong they were,
That you get everything you deserve,

You're so weak,
Not the man you pretend to be,
But I see you or who you really are,
And that scares you so much, you tried to run far,
To get away from the truth in my eyes,
That see through all your lies,
So this is goodbye, Babe,
And this time, There's nothing left to say,

You're a man with no morals,
And the way you treated me was horrible,
Couldn't admit you loved me,
Where anyone could see,
I was the side *****,
And that's no way to live,
So I'm done with your games,
That you like to play,
Have fun in your world so plastic,
It's gotta be ******* toxic,
And I hope you choke on your lies,
As I walk away one last time,
You called me weak once,
But you're a liar, so here's the truth,

You're the one who's weak,
Not the man you pretend to be,
But I see you or who you really are,
And that scares you so much, you tried to run far,
To get away from the truth in my eyes,
That see through all your lies,
So this is goodbye, Babe,
And this time, There's nothing left to say.

I am not dealing with these hoes, you want him, have his ***,
I'm tired of being dragged down by his overpriced baggage,
I don't know about you, but I've got too much pride,
For these little girl games, I won't blindly take a man's side,
If I know he's wrong, you know he's wrong, then why,
You in my inbox telling me to **** myself, telling me to die?
Think Imma go walk into traffic, cause you said so?
No I don't think so, this isn't Simon says **,
I'm on some grown woman ****, so what Imma do,
Is not **** him, and Imma not **** with you,
Because...

Real men don't have a main chick or a side chick,
They're proud when their woman's more than a little thick,
And they don't let ******* go in on them,
They protect what's theirs and they defend,
So here's to my former side chick anthem,
Telling all you ******* out there to drop him,

And honestly, let's be real, he's going to call me in few days,
Saying all the things he always says,
But this time, brinnnng brinnng, yeah, I'm sorry no body is home,
The *** you have dialed, has reformed, please press end call on your phone,
Here's some real *** ****, if you think you may be the side chick,
Do yourself a favor, leave, ain't nothing worth it, not even that ****,
He thinks he's worth it, perfection, you'll never leave,
Then why I'm already blocking you on everything?
Because...

Real men don't have a main chick or a side chick,
They're proud when their woman's more than a little thick,
And they don't let ******* go in on them,
They protect what's theirs and they defend,
So here's to my former side chick anthem,
Telling all you ******* out there to drop him.

Why do I **** with you,
When all that we do is,
******* and bang,
Every time we hang,
And this is not okay,
For someone who's slightly insane,
And I've got addiction issues already,
And now you adding in this **** is so heavy,
Before it was just ***** I tripped over,
Now it's the white stuff that's keeping me from gettin sober,
And I crave it like I crave your attention,
But I don't really ever get it,
And it bothers me,
Why can't you see,

That we're not good together, we are not healthy,
And I just for once want someone who's going to push me,
To be better, and not just to settle for good enough,
But you just want to be friends who hang and do drugs,

And I'm not okay,
I haven't known how to say,
That I'm not alright,
And I'm slowly losing the fight,
But I know my suicidal fits,
They scare you more than a bit,
And you'll run away,
Taking my new friend *******,
Can I just can't have that,
So I stay alive for a fix and my cat,
Cause she needs me too,
And I don't know what to do,
Because I've got a new couple of addictions,
And I'm starting to have withdrawal  from your lack of attention,

But we're not good together, we are not healthy,
And I just for once want someone who's going to push me,
To be better, and not just to settle for good enough,
But you just want to be friends who hang and do drugs.

How do I find the words,
And for them to not burn,
Coming out of my throat,
We've been in this boat,
Time and time again,
And I'm sorry my friend,
But how do I say,
That I don't want to see another day,
Don't want to live through another sunset,
I still don't know how to get,
These words out,
They can't be found,
It's like 404 of the brain,
And I'm just so insane,
At this point from these boys,
Who treat me like a toy,
To be put on a shelf,
Only to enjoy me in good health,
But when I'm not okay,
Well them I'm afraid,
They leave,
They always leave,

And I'm so tired of living every day like I'm okay,
But I just don't know how to tell you, to say,
That I need help, because I can't be hospitalized another time,
But where does that leave me to turn, I need a sign,

But God has definitely abandoned me,
If he was ever there like they say to believe,
Because I've done things, I've seen things,
I've smoked things, I've snorted things,
And at this point, He can't love me,
God knows no man can find a redeemable quality,
To stick around for,
And I know we've been here before,
But I can't seem to be alright,
No matter how hard I fight,
How many times I meditate,
How hard they try to medicate,
These feelings of suicide,
Out of my half-dead hide,
I can't seem to muster the will to live,
And any I used to have has drained out like a sieve,
The years drained out all the good,
Leaving nothing but pieces misunderstood,
And always feeling abandoned,
Dark thoughts like friends in my head,
The only one's who truly know,
How I feel on a daily basis though,

And I'm so tired of living every day like I'm okay,
But I just don't know how to tell you, to say,
That I need help, because I can't be hospitalized another time,
But where does that leave me to turn, I need a sign.

Smoke more ****, at night,
Forget in the daylight you wanna die,
Cause life's rough,
And you're tired of acting tough,
So smoke ****, to get high,
Forget that you wanna die,
Forget that you wanna die,
Smoke ****, so high,
Cause trauma leave scars,
And you're thoughts are turning dark,
In my mind it's all a mess,
And I must, I must confess,
Or I'm going to die,
But I'll continue to lie,
So I'll get high, smoke ****,
Until I can succeed,
In forgetting about you,
And the things that you made me do,

Trauma unfortunately makes the world go wrong way round,
Makes good people turn morally 180 upside down,
Do things they wouldn't of done,
If someone hadn't ****** them up,
Smoke ****, get high,
Forget that you wanna die,
Wanna die, wanna die, get high,

Why do people do horrible things?
It's like a circular cycle of a ring,
It goes round and round, trauma does,
And it's so, it's so ****** up,
So we smoke ****, and get high,
To forget that we want to die,
Because someone hurt us in a way,
That still affects us to this day,
So we numb our brain,
With any kind of novocaine,
Because trauma is pain,
Every day, that's why I'm insane,
And I want it to stop, stop, stop,
So I take a pufffff,
of ****, to get high,
Forget that I wanna die,

Trauma unfortunately makes the world go wrong way round,
Makes good people turn morally 180 upside down,
Do things they wouldn't of done,
If someone hadn't ****** them up,
Smoke ****, get high,
Forget that you wanna die,
Wanna die, wanna die, get high.

A noose is looking mighty fine,
Cause I'm again walking that line,
Between sobriety and thinking about the first drink,
And I know just what my friends and parents would think,
I've soared straight off the high dive again,
Right into the deep end, my oldest friend,
I've been here before, so many many ******* times,
And it's sad that he can bring me to toeing the line,
But I loved him, and even if his wife doesn't believe me,
What we had was real, and I just hope one day she sees,
How horrible a person he is,
And gets up and leaves,

Because no one deserves to be treated like this,
Like they're trash or less than, like a *******,
And I'm not, we're not, we're beautiful works of art,
That they don't see it that way, is not our fault,
And we will rise above the words they try to make us hurt,
Because we are stronger than they thought we were,

And they try to break us down,
Make us out to be the clowns,
When they're the one's we should've been laughing at,
And it's not funny when your wife called me fat,
It's not my problem that you lied,
And at points I wanted to die,
But you don't care about that,
Bet you wouldn't shed a tear, that's a fact,
Do you care they I've downed a bottle of pills?
To try to cope with how you made me feel,
Or that I put a noose around my neck,
And stood on a chair, but I take it all back,

Because no one deserves to be treated like this,
Like they're trash or less than, like a *******,
And I'm not, we're not, we're beautiful works of art,
That they don't see it that way, is not our fault,
And we will rise above the word they try to make us hurt,
Because we are stronger than they thought we were,

And I will not die for you, or waste another breath,
You are not worth my life let alone my death.

I miss you every single day,
I'm sorry you don't feel the same way,
And I won't use this as an excuse,
To reach for some Jose or a noose,
Because this is toxic **** that needs to go,
Right out the door, and lock the window,
Because there's too much hurt and pain,
In the short amount of time you made me insane,

Papi, I liked the way you did things in bed,
And yeah, I got a little addicted to the way you gave head,
But nothing is worth my sobriety or my life,
So that's why this is last text you'll get from me, Goodbye,

Because even though you were my everything,
I feel like I was in the end I was your nothing,
And that makes me feel like complete and utter ****,
So even though I won't drink, maybe I'll take a hit,
Yeah, maybe that's not healthy, maybe it's the opposite,
But at this point I'll do anything not to give in,
To giving in and messaging you again,
Because this, this is the end,

Papi, I liked the way you did things in bed,
And yeah, I got addicted to the way you gave head,
But nothing is worth my sobriety or my life,
So that's why this is last text you'll get from me, Goodbye.

You brought me down, farther than I thought I could go,
I died a slow death every night in my bed all alone,
I would dream of you, and reach for you in my sleep,
Until one day I realized I'd gotten in way too deep,
And I'd never dig myself out all on my own,
So I tried to save myself with drugs and alcohol,
But a person dying of thirst shouldn't drink poison,
And I can no longer worship you like you're my religion,
I won't be one of your little followers, who's blinded by your words,
I will no longer let you make me feel like a worm in the dirt,

You think you're some sort of master manipulator,
Thinking you can run your relationships like a dictator,
But you're really just a scared little boy, who's not all that smart,
And you no longer get to play with the broken pieces of my heart,

You aren't the first person to make me feel like this,
***** and used, I fear you won't be the last,
But I've always been a fighter, cheating death is my past time,
And if I can survive an overdose, I can live and get over a guy,
A child  really, breaking people like they're toys,
Well I refuse to stay in pieces, **** that noise,
And ***** you while we're at it, it's time I get angry,
Stop letting people just continue to play with me,
And not moving on, just answering it by trying to leave,
This time I'm not going, I'm staying, and I'm fixing me,

You think you're some sort of master manipulator,
Thinking you can run your relationships like a dictator,
But you're really just a scared little boy, who's not all that smart,
And you no longer get to play with the broken pieces of my heart.

I've been feeling extra anxious,
So why do you insist on playing with my emotions?
Like I tell you leaving me on read makes me crazy?
So why are you doing it on the daily?
Killing my vibes, when they're good,
Always making me question where I thought we stood,
You think you have the upper hand though,
Having a main girl while I'm over here losing my cool,
What you don't know is that I have videos on my phone,
With other dudes, cause I'm not waiting around for any dude,

Yeah, you think you're ******* with me, having a hold over me,
And maybe you do just a little bit, but what's going on behind the scenes?
When you aren't here, cause you with your chick?
Don't you worry, I got other dude's who got bigger *****,

And you think leaving me on read is the worst you can do,
Nah, it's when your geriatric patient of fiancee DM's me acting too cool,
Acting like she's half your age, instead of twice of it,
Talking out of her mouth, spewing hateful ****,
Because she so dumb, she still don't think we've slept together,
Little does she know when I found out, I was getting an STD test cause of her,
But you live in your little bubble, thinking everything's good,
Acting like you're tough, like you're hood,
Well I don't wanna be from the ghetto, and I won't be brought down by two idiots,
And this is where I realize, me and that dude, nah we don't fit,

Yeah, you think you're ******* with me, having a hold over me,
And maybe you do just a little bit, but what's going on behind the scenes?
When you aren't here, cause you with your chick?
Don't you worry, I got other dude's who got bigger *****.

I'm so sorry we didn't work out,
And that I still think about,
You and all the things I miss,
Like our very first kiss,
That very first day,
How you walked two hours just say,
Hello and show me that you cared,
But even so, look how we fared,
All that effort for nothing,
And I would give anything,
To have you in my bed again,
Chest kisses and nothing to gain,
Nothing to lose, and only us in the sheets,
Tangled together, lost in a moment that's gone to ****,
In my memories, now all broken and shattered,
Like the heart that I thought mattered,
To you, I thought you loved me,
But it was all manipulation and deception I couldn't see,

And I'd give anything to hear you say you love me one more time,
I'd give you my last *******, I swear my last ******* dime,
Just please tell me the truth, just please stop telling lies,
Because my soul can't take the pain anymore, this time I might die,
And you, you, would regret every word you didn't say, don't deny it,
You'd wish to take it all back, for just one more moment,
And I want you to say that to me, I want you to bleed on paper,
I want the words, I want the sentiment, I want it all, I want you forever,

And that's what hurts so ******* much, is you gave the future you promised me,
To someone else, and you can't even begin to see,
How much this is killing my insides,
And I don't want to keep having to hide,
What we had, but I deleted all our messages,
In a fit of drunken rage so I can't use those as leverage,
And I ******* hate it,
I'd show it all to your *****,
Every last word you spoke to me,
For her to see,
Because you didn't love me as a friend you *******,
And this love is slowly turning to hatred,
So if I were you, I'd fix this soon,
Or I'll be gone, moved on to someone new,
And I won't give a **** about your apology,
Which you really ******* owe me,

And I'd give anything to hear you say you love me one more time,
I'd give you my last *******, I swear my last ******* dime,
Just please tell me the truth, just please stop telling lies,
Because my soul can't take the pain anymore, this time I might die,
And you, you, would regret every word you didn't say, don't deny it,
You'd wish to take it all back, for just one more moment,
And I want you to say that to me, I want you to bleed on paper,
I want the words, I want the sentiment, I want it all, I want you forever.

Why can't I seem to be done,
When you're clearly not the one,
You've moved on to loving someone else,
And I don't blame you, I can't even love myself,
I keep tearing me down,
In my head keep going 'round,
What did I do that was so wrong,
That you left me for?
And will I ever find someone where I'll be enough,
Where there isn't a price tag on the love,

Because you weren't the one and only,
If you couldn't even be trustworthy,
Real relationships come with transparency,
And now I wanna see, you walk away from me,

Because just ghosting me isn't an ending that sets me free,
Only finally getting the truth from your next is cowardly,
You stole my love and then it was returned,
Broken and shattered with your name on it,
Well I'm clearing out our memories,
Cause all they do is hurt me,
And I take back every word I ever said or wrote to you,
I'll delete them out my phone and heart, for someone new,
Because you're not worth it, you're not my "it",
Thank you for finally making me realize our broken pieces didn't fit,

Because you weren't the one and only,
If you couldn't even be trustworthy,
Real relationships come with transparency,
And now I wanna see, you walk away from me.

How much ******* can I take,
Before i can stop being fake,
Plastic smiles and bandaged hearts,
I can't keep pushing around this heavy cart,
Weight added from my broken soul,
Right in my chest where you left a hole,
I feel so hollow since you left,
I can still remember all the promises you said,
But they were all lies dipped in venom,
And you now dance in the darkness of my mind with my demon,

Please don't contact me when you get out,
I'd rather stay lost than found,
I'm shattered right now trying to pick up pieces,
And if you touched even one shard, I'd fragment beyond reason,

I loved you with every part of my bruised being,
I can't explain this heartbroken feeling,
No more cuddling during the day,
Not talking to you when I feel like I'm going to fray,
No I love yous on your side,
While I take my feelings and hide,
But I wasn't pretending towards the end,
t told you I felt, and you still chose someone else,
And now I feel like I'm not enough, used and left to break,
Alone, in my sadness, and I still love you, though I wish it was hate,

Please don't contact me when you get out,
I'd rather stay lost than found,
I'm shattered right now trying to pick up pieces,
And if you touched even one shard, I'd fragment beyond reason,

And when I overdosed on purpose, and you didn't even write,
While now you've lost your every single right,
To ever contact me again,
To be considered even a friend,
Because to know that I could have died,
And you didn't care enough, to spit out a lie,
About caring about me or what happens,
While I hope your future is anything but happy,
I wish you suffering and pain and honestly to be cursed,
Because to not hear from you, that was the worst,

Please don't contact me when you get out,
I'd rather stay lost than found,
I'm shattered right now trying to pick up pieces,
And if you touched even one shard, I'd fragment beyond reason.

The alcohol ***** me up every time,
And I just can't seem to find,
My sanity in the calamity,
Of my ever loving mind,
Because when it's drowning in tequila,
I just want sleep with a fella,
I'll invite over random people from Tinder,
Thank the Lord I haven't been murdered,
Or worse, yes there's worse,
Because I'm suicidal, find me a hearse,
I've been this way,
Since the fourth grade,
When my innocence was broken,
And now I'm just too woken,
To the ways of the world and the **** people in it,
And I just can't seem to find my place among it,

Relapse on the horizon,
If I can't find a way to survive this,
Please someone save me from my drowning before I die,
Because I don't know how to swim in my own mind,

I've been in pieces lately,
Crying sometimes uncontrollably,
And that's just not me,
I'm usually relatively happy,
Cracking jokes, to cover my hurt,
So no one knows just how far down in the dirt,
I really am these days,
How much I just want to fade,
Into oblivion, and never resurface,
Because I put a mask on my face,
And tell everyone I'm okay,
It's like an automatic reaction to say,
To never tell anyone how I really feel,
Which is like garbage if you can deal,
With the truth, but most people can't handle it,
Most people don't want the real ****,

Relapse on the horizon,
If I can't find a way to survive this,
Please someone save me from my drowning before I die,
Because I don't know how to swim in my own mind.

They always leave and walk away,
Think I'll be okay, be okay,
But I'm not alright,
Being alone every night,
Reaching for someone who isn't there,
Liking someone who doesn't care,
And no I'm not asking for forever,
I just want someone who doesn't want to share,
Bed hopping like I'm not enough,
And they always leave me when they find out I'm corrupt,
When they break through the mask I put on,
Because inside I'm depressed and half gone,

I just want someone to stay and try,
To fix the broken pieces I try to hide,
Be there for me, in a way my friends can't be,
But no one wants to stick around for the real me,

And maybe if I were up front about my past,
How it's effected me, relationships could last,
But I've tried it, I've been there,
And still they walk away, it's not fair,
But I get it happiness isn't just handed to you,
Maybe just once though, I'd like that to be true,
I don't want to have to work so hard to be normal,
But living in a box was never in the cards for me at all,
When will someone decided I'm worth all the trouble,
All the heart ache, the arguments, and the struggle?
Because I promise once you break down the walls,
It'll be worth the fall,

I just want someone to stay and try,
To fix the broken pieces I try to hide,
Be there for me, in a way my friends can't be,
But no one wants to stick around for the real me.

I'm staring down at my arm holding a knife,
It may be only in my head, but I'm balancing my life,
Weighing out if it's worth the pain,
That I've been dealing with, making me more insane,
I've been ******* over so many times, by people who said they cared,
Well, maybe it's time I give up and stop trying so hard,
Because I've taken all the medications they want to give me,
I've done years and years, so much talking in therapy,
And still I'm here, contemplating the end of it all,
Because there's just so many times you can get up after a fall,

And it's a lie when they say you can always dust off your knees,
After laying on the ground, getting up and praying for release,
Because I've done my time, being miserable and in hurt,
And I just want some relief from sitting in the dirt,

Someone once told me you can always call me when you don't feel safe,
Well I don't want to be a burden, because I'd be calling every day,
Because lately I've been feeling down, feeling wrong,
About the past and all the things people have done,
And yeah, I'm more of a sinner than a saint at the end of the day,
But that's just the role that these deeds have cast me in to play,
For being abused at such young of an age,
And now I hate myself and want to pay,
Cosmically, permanently, with a smile on my face,
Because it would all be over, I can't keep up this pace,

The pills,
The thrills,
The ****,
The greed,
The hookups,
The makeups,
The alcohol,
The temptation of it all,
And everything in between,
I want to atone for my deeds,

It's a lie when they say you can always dust off your knees,
After laying on the ground, getting up and praying for release,
Because I've done my time, being miserable and in hurt,
And I just want some relief from sitting in the dirt.

If only my reflection was a tangible thing,
I'd stop feeling this painful sting,
In my knuckles from punching the mirror again,
But it doesn't have quite the right satisfaction,
As flesh and bone,
Obviously my own,
Now I could just scratch myself,
Make myself have to bleed,
But I really just kinda wanna,
Punch myself in the ******* face,

I need to teach myself a lesson,
Maybe beat out a nice confession,
Because I've got some secrets bottled up,
And their eating me alive, I've had enough,
So maybe if I could just give myself a fat lip,
I could enjoy life for just a bit,

I never let myself be happy,
But if someone could draw me a map,
Show me a place where I can be me,
Instead of hiding in a shell of who I pretend to be,
Because putting on a mask is kind of a habit,
One I need to stop, maybe some violence would solve it?
I've been sad for so long,
Even the meds have worn off,
And my psychologist told me she needs a break,
Cause I won't open up, and stop being fake,

I need to teach myself a lesson,
Maybe beat out a nice confession,
Because I've got some secrets bottled up,
And their eating me alive, I've had enough,
So maybe if I could just give myself a fat lip,
I could enjoy life for just a bit.

I'm fighting a war inside my head again,
I don't know why it's always life or death inside my brain,
There's no gray areas in my gray matter,
Only black and white, with zero color,
It gets bleak in there, and darker by the day,
I'm slowly going more than more insane,
I thought I hit my lowest point long ago,
But I feel like I'll be there again, before I know,
And I try to drop hints, but you seem to leave them in the cold,
But I get it, I'm the best masker or so I've been told,
So unless I just come right out and tell you my feelings,
You'll go on thinking I'm okay, without a hint of how I'm reeling,
Off balance on the inside, stumbling around underground,
Cause in my head I'll never be out of that basement with it's sounds,
I'm just always going to be stuck in my childhood trauma,
A head-case without a warning label, just asking for her Mama,

But no one can fix this for my inner child,
She's stuck in her cage, just in the corner trying to hide,
Because someone hurt us too much to ever really be okay,
So until the day I die, by my own hand or God's, I'll fake,
Fake happiness, fake living, I'm a zombie without a patient zero tag,
Just another millennial on too many meds, wishing to be fixed with everything they have,

And yeah, I'm like alphabet soup, BPD, PTSD, OCD,
Bipolar, alcoholic and addict maybe, and a few other things,
Genetics and circumstance ******* me over without asking,
And now I'm stuck in my head every day wondering if I'm living,
Another day in this forsaken world, or should I just slit my wrists,
Find something to overdose on, or maybe just take a risk,
Cause sometimes when I feed my impulsive beast,
The voices shut up for just a beat,
And yeah, that's bitten me before, but not that bad,
So I haven't learned my lesson, not quite yet,
I just wanna drink myself to forgetting,
That I even wrote something so full of feeling,
Smoke a J, and not remember all my problems in the morning,
Because I'm tired, so tired of remembering,
Carpet stains and moans of pleasure,
Wash my hands over and over,
And maybe one day it'll all be done,
But until that day, I'll be on the run,

But no one can fix this for my inner child,
She's stuck in her cage, just in the corner trying to hide,
Because someone hurt us too much to ever really be okay,
So until the day I die, by my own hand or God's, I'll fake,
Fake happiness, fake living, I'm a zombie without a patient zero tag,
Just another millennial on too many meds, wishing to be fixed with everything they have.

You don't have to make your pain smaller,
To fit inside someone else's box of normal,
What happened to you happened,
And effected you how it did,
And you don't have to be a ray of sunshine,
When all you wanna do is cry,
Because someone broke you down into pieces,
And you're trying to clot the wound until it heals,
But baby I gotta let you know it's never gonna be the same,
And I hate to say this too, but that's okay,
Because you're no long the fragile glass figurine,
Who wrote about butterflies in poetry books under the moon's light,
But maybe that's never who you were meant to be,
Because now you're harder and less naive,

Yeah, someone took advantage of your trust baby girl,
And I get that it hurts, sometimes it's a cruel world,
But you gotta dust yourself off and keep marching on,
Even when your shoes and the soles of your feet are long past gone,

Because you're a soldier of your pain,
Forged through the fire of those days,
When someone told you, you were less than dirt,
Took away your innocent veneer and made you hurt,
But now you're just a little less likely to trust,
And maybe that's okay, because you've been hurt enough,
By people who like to put in your back, the sharpest knives,
With a sweet facade and twinkle in their eyes,
You weren't the only one they fooled,
So don't feel too much like a tool,
Even though I know you feel twisted and used,
Because of everything they did to you,
But you can come back from this,
Just put up your fists,
And kick that memory in the ***,
Leave it where it belongs, in the past,

Yeah, someone took advantage of your trust baby girl,
And I get that it hurts, sometimes it's a cruel world,
But you gotta dust yourself off and keep marching on,
Even when your shoes and the soles of your feet are long past gone.

Why do you haunt me when I least expect it,
I can't keep dealing with this ****,
You broke me as a child,
And now I'm just a shadow,
Looking for something solid to cling to,
But nothing is real here in this world,
With the sand sinking through my fingers,
Of the time I was happy with myself,
I don't know where to go,
I just know I gotta go,

You're my personal demon,
And you're the reason,
Nothing is okay in my life,
And happiness cuts like a knife,

I tried so hard to not be you,
But that's who I became in the end,
I'm the monster that is my demon,
And I keep feeding it,
With all these thoughts of that past,
But I can't help the flashbacks,
PTSD from what you did,
I hope you're satisfied,
You got everything,
And I'm stuck here with nothing,
But self-hatred,
Because of what you did,

You're my personal demon,
And you're the reason,
Nothing is okay in my life,
And happiness cuts like a knife.

I try and try to tell my brain,
We're no longer in that place that caused us pain,
But no matter how many times I do,
I still end up back there with you,
You're the demon that rips me to shreds,
Makes me wish for a painless death,
Because I've been hurting for years,
Drowning, suffocating in these tears,
For you are the tormentor,
Holy than thou keymaster,
Never letting me go,
In my mind, no,

You have a hold on me,
That no one can see,
And I hate it so much,
Please just give it up,
Let your grasp go,
It's more painful than you know,

Your nails they dig in, ripping up carpet in your pleasure,
While I sit here confused about what going on, so sinister,
This plot that you executed, it must've taken time,
Planned out and carried out, not straying out of the lines,
If Satan had a body, I'd believe it was yours,
You're my hell on this ******* earth,
And I hate you so ******* much,
I hope you know at least that much,
You're a disgusting waste of space,
With an angels deceiving face,
And I will always be in that basement,
Wondering how to please escape it,

You have a hold on me,
That no one can see,
And I hate it so much,
Please just give it up,
Let your grasp go,
It's more painful than you know.

I hate me, I hate everything about me,
The things you can see, and especially those you can't see,
I hate living, getting up every day,
Make money, they say, gotta get paid,
But I can barely stand up in my own skin,
How do I help others, when I can't begin,
I'm stuck like cement in my own body,
And I wanna **** it sometimes, don't tell Mommy,
She's still traumatized,
From all the other times,
I downed a bottle of pills,
Hoping I'd get out of this place,

So someone help me, help me live,
Because it can't always be like like this,
I'm drowning in my own self-loathing,
It's like a permanent set of clothing,
I can't get away from me,
So someone, help me, help me,

I've been reaching for a hand to pull me out for so long,
I'll just keep it hanging here, until I've had enough,
Lonely as the last of their own species,
No one else like me, I guarantee this freely,
Haunted by my childhood, and the demon that possess it,
Caught up in my own head, and all of it's dumb ****,
I can't see two steps ahead, sometimes I can't even see one,
God whoever made me, I hope they were having fun,
To make my pathetic existence worth something at least,
Even if just a stain on some old *** sheets,

So someone help me, help me live,
Because it can't always be like like this,
I'm drowning in my own self-loathing,
It's like a permanent set of clothing,
I can't get away from me,
So someone, help me, help me.

When I'm feeling ***** because of what you did,
When I feel grungy cause of the things you said,
Because you were the greatest actress of them all,
And here I am taking your well deserved fall,
Sitting in my misery and pain and disgust,
While you sit pretty on your throne made of rust,
Because you're rotting from the inside,
And soon there will be no where left to hide,
From who you are, who you really are,
And I'll be over here, not giving one care,

Come feel ***** like me,
And then maybe you'll see,
Why I do what I do to not be me,
Yeah maybe then my Momma will see,
Why I'd rather get on my knees,
For some ***** *** ****,
Than think about for a moment or two,
What you made me do to you,

I'm crawling through this life covered in the past,
Can't seem to shake it, no matter how much time does pass,
But that's okay, because I know you're dying inside,
While you live you're perfect little life,
Hiding secrets so deep, it must be burning you alive,
I tried to **** myself so many times,
Did you ever wonder if it was because of you?
Was there ever a shred of guilt inside of you?
One day I hope your house of glass shatters,
And you get cut to pieces and left in tatters,

Come feel ***** like me,
And then maybe you'll see,
Why I do what I do to not be me,
Yeah maybe then my Momma will see,
Why I'd rather get on my knees,
For some ***** *** ****,
Than think about for a moment or two,
What you made me do to you.

How can I know where I'm going, when no one will tell me where I come from?
And I know, I know, I know, so many times, I've said I was done,
Done living, done trying to be the person everyone wants me to be,
Because everyone's short-sighted and just can't see it's killing me,
To try to be bigger than I am, because I'm small and weak,
I'm needy in my begging for someone to comfort me when I try to sleep,
Because I just keep seeing visions of my demon night after night,
And I just can't keep going on like this, I'm running out of fight,

So someone help me please, I need a hand,
Because I've found myself sinking into quick sand,
And I can't seem to pull myself out,
So I'll pull you in with me too,
Because two is less lonely,
When your drowning so slowly,

I tried so hard to be the woman who was raised by two strong people,
And I don't if it's not in my DNA, or I was just beat down at too young an age,
But I can't seem to stand taller than my shadow that's weighing me down,
Choking me slowly, and fighting me without a single sound,
So I'll wage these wars inside my head and burn my cells,
From the inside out, standing here pretending it's all okay still,
But it's not, it's not, it's not okay, I'm not okay,
and I'm really scared, when I'm alone, I'm really afraid,

So someone help me please, I need a hand,
Because I've found myself sinking into quick sand,
And I can't seem to pull myself out,
So I'll pull you in with me too,
Because two is less lonely,
When your drowning so slowly.

If I were to die tomorrow,
You wouldn't pause with sorrow,
Because you'd know your secrets died,
In my brain, and there they'll lie,
Buried underneath my skin,
Burned in my fingertips,
And they scorch with their fire,
Calling out to scream "LIAR,"
You were not a big sister, but a massive fraud,
One who pulled the wool over many's eyes like a shawl,
And now I'm falling deeper into my insanity,
Questioning what was once my reality,
Because surely an angel with spun gold hair,
Couldn't have done what you did with no care?
For how this would effect me for the rest of my life,
And I can tell you with certainty it's caused untold strife,
Now I can't even hear a single word that reminds me,
And conjures an image of you in my brain to see,

Because you are a demon in sheep's clothing,
Waiting to prey on innocent children with self-loathing,
I was just a young child on the outside of it all,
But you made me feel like it was okay to fall,
And so I free dived into the abyss,
And now I'm more ****** up than I can admit,

It's all because you told me don't tell your parents,
And I went along with it, I swallowed all the ****,
You fed me day after day, you manipulative *****,
I hope one day it all catches up to your conscious,
Because right now all I see is me hating me,
And you sitting oh so comfortable and pretty,
Up on your mountain that's so high,
Looking down on all us who would've died,
To do what you said, follow you with blind eyes,
Because you sugar coated all your lies,
And I followed a possessed person over the edge,
And now I'm standing, I've been standing on a ledge,
Deciding do I jump off and see where I land,
Or step back on to safer and more stable ground?
Because now I'm stuck with the feeling of chopping,
Off my own hand to get off the feel of your moaning,
So where do I go from here?
How do I move out of reverse gear?

Because you are a demon in sheep's clothing,
Waiting to prey on innocent children with self-loathing,
I was just a young child on the outside of it all,
But you made me feel like it was okay to fall,
And so I free dived into the abyss,
And now I'm more ****** up than I can admit.

I'm sorry I became so broken,
I guess that's what happens when you just don't notice,
That your child is hurting,
That inside she's screaming,
For someone to save her,
Save her from herself,
Rescue her from the demon,
That lived in the house,
That was just next door,
A couple of steps, no more,
But you didn't help her,
You didn't save her,
And now she's shattered,
Now she's glass on pavement,
Never to be put back together,
And now no one can save her,

(Save her, save her, save her.)

I cried and cried,
And I tried that night,
To tell you how ****** my life,
Had become, but I couldn't find the knife,
In my back to pull out,
To get the words out,
So now I'm just as broken as the porcelain doll,
In my childhood basement, rotting on the floor,

I tried so hard, Ma, I tried so hard,
To be so normal, but I just couldn't,
All I could think of was how to get out,
How to not scream, how to not shout,
About how unfair the cards I'd been dealt,
Cause yeah I always was reminded they weren't the worst,
But what no one ever one told me, no one ever said,
Was that hey baby girl, they still aren't the best,
So I tried to piece myself together,
Stitch by stitch, but I just keep breaking further,
Because I needed someone,
I needed anyone,
To tell me I'm not alone,
To let me know I don't have to be done,
That there's another way out besides dying,
You don't have to be in your room by yourself crying,
So why did no one save her, save me,
Why did no one save that girl, why did no one save me?

(Save me, save me, save me?)

I tried that night,
I cried and cried,
To tell you how ****** my life,
Had become, but I couldn't find the knife,
In my back to pull out,
To get the words out,
So now I'm just as broken as the porcelain doll,
In my childhood basement, rotting on the floor.

You keep fighting your imaginary demons,
Well I'll be here fighting my very much so real ones,
They stalk me in the night time,
They cling to me in day time,
They're my shadow when I don't have one on the ground,
And they are the thoughts that I have to keep shooting down,
Or else I might just wind up on the side of the road,
Bullet in my skull, feet covered in roses,
Because if I'm going out, I'm going out in style,
And with nothing less than a smile,

Because I was here, and I was tainted,
And I was naive once, before she was created,
So here I am ***** and used,
Waiting for someone to look at me like I'm new,

I once believe everything that came out of everyones mouth daily,
But I haven't been like that since the snap of a cameras lens,
Since the sound of my childhood crashing and burning,
On the ground, ashes scattered, each one a lesson I was learning,
A hard fought battle I had won, and now I'm damaged goods,
No good to anyone, except to be tossed aside and abused,
Because you're a con artist,
And let's not forget a *******,
A demoness who prays on children with her golden hair,
Made out of lies that have been prepared,

I was here, and I was tainted,
And I was naive once, before she was created,
So here I am ***** and used,
Waiting for someone to look at me like I'm new,

I'm here, I'm tainted,
I'm still naive, even after all that she created,
I'm here ***** and used,
Just tell me, just look at me like I'm new.

This monster called guilt, is eating me alive,
And I'm telling you this, so one day, when I've died,
You don't have sit there and wonder all the reasons why,
It's her, it's me, it's all the things I did hide,
Because of the shame and the regret,
And the things in between that I sat,
Upon for years that made me bleed,
Until I choked upon their ashes in my head,
And you all rationalized it away,
The rage and the self-hate,
But it all came down to, it all comes down to,
To a basement and carpet stains on the ground,

Someone help me end this living nightmare,
Where I'm haunted by a demon with golden hair,
She said to trust her and touch her there,
Well I did, and I did, now I hate her,
But not as much as I hate myself,
And no one can take away how I feel,

Sunshine shone in from that tiny window underground,
But all I could concentrate on was the sounds,
That came out of your filthy mouth,
And now I'm just on a one way train that's bound,
For hell, just like you, so eternity it is,
With the devil stuck in my head,
But I deserve no less for what I did,
They say it's cycle, yes, that's what they said,
But I'll never do it again,
But she, I'm sure, she did,
So who's worse or any better really in the end?
The one who learned their lesson, or the one who never did?

Someone help me end this living nightmare,
Where I'm haunted by a demon with golden hair,
She said to trust her and touch her there,
Well I did, and I did, now I hate her,
But not as much as I hate myself,
And no one can take away how I feel.

You all think that I am doing okay,
All thanks to the smile on my face,
But it's been thirty years of this fake ****,
You'd think by now you'd see through it,
But no, 3 decades and I can still put on a show,
Better than an actor, and I don't need all that blow,
I can get by on anything I can find,
And if I don't have anything to scavange on hand,
Well there's always the internet,
Because I will put my life on the line for a fix,
If I'm really in need, and it should scare you,
It should freak me out, but I'm calm here alone,

Don't tell me it'll get better,
That line doesn't get easier,
It doesn't age like fine wine,
Just rots like a coffin full of bones,

Instructing me to take my meds, like that will help?
When it hasn't done **** in the past,
Isn't gonna score you points when I'm looking down the barrel,
Of a gun of my own making,
And yes, I'll still be faking,
That 10 watt smile tomorrow when I see you,
Cause that's just what I ******* do,
Oh, please don't be mad when you find out it's all a lie,
Because honestly you should've been able to find,
The cracks in my mask, they're bigger than China,
And the nightmares in there will seep out and find ya,
After I've had a bottle of wine or tequila or two,
I'll let you know every bad deed I've ever let them do,


Don't tell me it'll get better,
That line doesn't get easier,
It doesn't age like fine wine,
Just rots like a coffin full of bones.

I am the monster, that I hate,
I am the demon, standing at the gate,
Drowning in sadness and depression,
Anxiety crashing the party with desperation,
And i can't, I can't anymore,
Move my feet one step more forward,
It hurts to live, it hurts to breathe,
It's a pain to exist, to even believe,
That things can get better,
Because I've been waiting for that miracle,
Since I was in the 4th grade and I wanted to die,
Yeah, not even 10 years old and I just knew that I,
Was destined for death at an early grave,
So let me go, let me be, do not resuscitate,

Let me suffocate and choke on my own sorrow,
Let me sink below the surface and not be here tomorrow,
Because living is a ******* chore at this point,
And I find no joy, no love, no light,

No one should live like this,
In their own eternal darkness,
Scrambling to survive, forced to live,
And I'm just so ******* tired,
From having to pretend that I'm okay,
That I will be here every single day,
Because I hate myself,
I carry around guilt,
And it weighs me down like a whole other person,
Just constantly strangling me while climbing on my back,
Telling me you aren't worth another minute,
Of living on this planet,
And I believe it, and it feels like ****,
So let me go, let me be, do not resuscitate,

Let me suffocate and choke on my own sorrow,
Let me sink below the surface and not be here tomorrow,
Because living is a ******* chore at this point,
And I find no joy, no love, no light,

If I could **** myself without leaving a bloodstain on the white carpet,
I would as long as I didn't have to stare at these four walls of my apartment,
Not one more day in complete and utter isolation,
Without a lover, friend, or companion,
Oh if I had a bottle of pills I'd down them all,
If there were enough stairs, I'd fall, fall, fall,
climb up to the roof and jump and fly,
Because here I am alone, barely getting by,
I push away those I love, and cherish those who get off on me,
I'm their little play toy, and they invade me with their armies,
Here alone in between these four walls,
I'm deader than a corpse, but not a doll,

Please use me in any way, as long as I can feel,
Just for a moment not so alone in my appeal,
Because just I'm stuck here in flesh and bone,
Doesn't mean I always have to be alone,
Just send me a way that doesn't end in crimson on snow,
And I'll be gone before dawn's light can show,

I call out night after night with rarely an answer,
And when they do it's for a night and they retreat fast and faster,
And the visits of my loved ones they grow shorter,
But me, I'm a glutton for punishment, so I grow heavier,
No one can love this damsel in her dungeon,
Spinning wool for a never showing master,
All I want is someone to love me for all my faults,
But all do is show one, just one, and my knights bolt,
Slain by the demon that is the shadow in my soul,
With silken hair of corn, that's my nightmares coal,
So bring me an out that ends with no blood,
And I'll be gone before the rising of the sun,

Please use me in any way, as long as I can feel,
Just for a moment not so alone in my appeal,
Because just I'm stuck here in flesh and bone,
Doesn't mean I always have to be alone,
Just send me a way that doesn't end in crimson on snow,
And I'll be gone before dawn's light can show.

Suffocating in my problems,
At the bottom of the bottle,
And yeah maybe I got a problem,
Or maybe I'm a psychopath,
Because my doctor's convinced,
It wasn't me it was the medications,
So am I crazy and addicted,
or am I just plain insane in the head?

Slit my wrists and close my eyes,
Take me away to the heaven they call paradise,
Because this world I'm living in is surely hell,
So someone please send me some ******* help,

Will my drawer full of containers,
That once had cough syrup,
Convince you of my issues,
Or do I need to pull out the tissues?
Please I'm drowning in myself,
Choking on my self hatred and doubt,
That I really need to get admitted,
I've got problem, can't admit it,

Slit my wrists and close my eyes,
Take me away to the heaven they call paradise,
Because this world I'm living in is surely hell,
So someone please send me some ******* help,

Down a bottle of these pills and sleep,
Take me away to a place with endless sheep,
To count and comfort me, because I find such little here,
Someone please send me there, send me there, send me there.

How do you live with hate so deep,
It chokes you like clogged arteries,
And all you want is to look in the mirror,
And not see yourself as a living monster,
So can someone show me how to forgive,
Yourself for the most heinous of sins?
Because right now all I can do is die slowly,
Living in a body with a soul rotting so,

Please forgive me, please don't hate me,
Please erase this feeling that I can't see,
It's so much easier to fight something corporal,
That's why I've been up myself day after day.

The pills I swallow in the hopes I won't wake up,
From this nightmare that's swallowed me whole,
I live every day just waiting for retribution,
From the person I hurt, because I can't find resolution,
In no consequences for what I did, because of my demoness,
Who ate me up and spit me out when I was barely older than six,
And she was like a vampire infecting me with a disease,
Now I'm infected just like her, except maybe with more remorse,

Please forgive me, please don't hate me,
Please erase this feeling that I can't see,
It's so much easier to fight something corporal,
That's why I've been up myself day after day.

The demons just want me to be dead,
They want to bury the secrets in my head,
Sunlight kills their dark souls,
And there's no light to hold,
I'd give anything for a savior,
Give my firstborn as a favor,
I just want to not fight for every breath,
To not fight inside my own head,
I'm so tired, so tired, so tired,
And the voices multiply like a choir,
They tell me what to say,
To make everyone think I'm okay,
But inside I'm punching myself over and over,
And I try to quiet it by not being sober,

But you can't stay high forever,
I always nose dive and take a header,
Straight into the ground of which I bleed upon,
This life just seems played out and done,

I'd pray to God if I didn't think he'd forsaken,
This child of which followed him with other children,
But then I found the dark side of life,
The kind that has no spark of life,
Who's dull eyes stare out from sunken skulls,
Knees aching on basement floors,
Don't be fooled by the bible,
The devil is a female,
And she takes innocence,
While faking she's innocent,
So beware of golden hair,
And skin that's fair,
Because it'll make you wish for death,
For the rest of your entire life,

But you can't stay high forever,
I always nose dive and take a header,
Straight into the ground of which I bleed upon,
This life just seems played out and done.

I find it hard to talk,
When I'm choking on my thoughts,
I find it hard to breathe,
When solice is what I need,
Because I trip and I stumble,
Down on the ground staying humble,
Because I tried to leave once,
Oh I tried to leave more than twice,
But living always sticks,
And death never wins,

So hold me down,
While I'm drowning,
Because who needs air,
When you just don't care,

I tried so hard to be alive,
Oh, I've tried and tried,
But every night, I think,
What if I didn't sink,
Into my mind every night,
Getting into an endless fight,
With the demons that consume me,
The one's that everyone trys to see,
But I hide them deep down,
And that's where I drown,

So hold me down,
While I'm drowning,
Because who needs air,
When you just don't care.

Mommy I'm sorry I manipulate you for,
The alcohol I feel I love more,
And Daddy I'm sorry I pretend I'm naive,
About all of my bad deeds,
I tried so hard to stay dry,
But the rain it pours inside,
I'm drowning in my own self,
I'm suffocating with my mental health,
And I try, I try so hard,
To be who you care for,
The girl who laughs just cause she can,
Who asks for hugs before bed,
But I'm not her anymore,
And I'll never be moving forward,
But really I'm just someone,
Who feels way too much at once,
I cry at night when I'm all alone,
Dancing with my demons on my own,

Please don't hate me, I couldn't survive,
I do that enough for myself, and I can no longer hide,
That I don't have a problem with substances,
That I can recognize when I've had enough of them,

I'm so tired of pretending it's under control,
This feeling of alcohol that sings in my soul,
The cough syrup that makes my shaky thoughts,
Become shaky feet, legs, and hands,
I'd rather feel physically ill,
Than continue to be mentally unwell,
So I will continue to veer off the tracks,
And spin out of control, it's just a fact,
I have no sense of when to stop,
Please don't make me stop,
It's so hard to be in my own head,
Every day it's like a death,
I die a bit, a piece of me fades away,
And I'm sorry to inform you, to say,
I'm not okay, I'm just not alright,
With myself I will continue to fight,

Please don't hate me, I couldn't survive,
I do that enough for myself, and I can no longer hide,
That I don't have a problem with substances,
That I can recognize when I've had enough of them.

I wanna fall over and roll around,
In all the broken pieces of myself,
I want to feel that pain all over again,
So I know not to let you in again,
Because you broke my heart once,
You broke my heart twice,
And now it'd be shame on me,
If I let you in to see,
All the shattered pieces you left,
Before you got up and left,
Me here to rot for eternity,
In the pain of your indecency,

Because I got high on you,
And now that my fix is gone,
I'd do anything for another hit,
Even shatter my already broken heart,

So have mercry on my bruised soul,
And stay away like you should,
Please don't answer my pleading messages,
To come back to me, cause I can't learn my lesson,
That once your heart is broke once,
Then your heart is broken twice,
Well then it's my fault,
That I can't seem to get enough,
Be the person I need you to be,
That you could have been,
But weren't because we're both so selfish,
So let's take our love, and shelf it,

Because I got high on you,
And now that my fix is gone,
I'd do anything for another hit,
Even shatter my already broken heart.

****** up on cough syrup again,
This wasn't in the plan,
But they all want too much,
And I can't seem to give enough,
So I numb my pain,
In any way,
Just so I don't have to remember,
Except now I remember,
So I'll try to forget,
Numb the pain again,

I hate you and your guts,
I'm sorry about your luck,
But you're a monster now,
And monsters get put down,

****, ****, I can't think,
It feel like I'm gonna sink,
Into the past,
No not that,
Someone help me survive,
And stay alive,
Because I can't go back,
I can never go back,
To the basement,
Because I hate it,

I hate you and your guts,
I'm sorry about your luck,
But you're a monster now,
And monsters get put down.

Betrayl never tastes any more bitter,
Than when it comes from your own Mother,
To bring someone around,
Whose daughter made me more lost than found,
Who triggers me like no other,
Well to hell with you Mother,
Because I feel betrayed,
In the worst kind of way,
So I'll run and hide,
From the truth you deny,

You would cause me pain,
Just to save face,
You care more about reputation,
Than the repercussions,

So see how our relationships fairs,
When you choose not to care,
That this cut will be deep,
And see if you can keep,
Up appearances without me around,
I can already see it now,
Your own child missed her brother's reception,
Because of your own careless actions,

You would cause me pain,
Just to save face,
You care more about reputation,
Than the repercussions.

Sometimes it's so hard, to breathe past the thoughts in my head,
And sometimes it's hard to imagine my story's end,
And no one quite knows that I want the same thing,
As everyone else, everyone who's supposedly sane,
And so I wish with all my heart through my insanity,
To have a good ending, and a bed surrounded by family,
A smile playing at the corner of my lips,
So because of this time and again, when I crawl and I slip,
I keep going even though it's getting harder to take a breath,
To even contimplate taking one more step,
but I keep moving, yes I keep moving,
Even when ahead there's nothing,
But...

Pain is a motivation just like joy,
You put out your bowl and you ask for more,
Because feeling something,
Is better than nothing,
Or so I tell myself every day,
That I can smile through the pain,

So for my Mom and my Dad, I'll live today,
Despite all the hurt and the shame,
Shame for all the things I have yet done,
Because let's face it, I'm kind of a ***,
I sit on my couch writing woe is me poems,
And yet no body quite seems to know it,
but I still fight to try to climb out of the pit,
Of despair I've seem to dug myself in,
I try and I try with dirt under my nails,
And even though on the outside all I do is fail,
Well that's okay because I'll pick myself up,
And quietly think, I can do this even though it's rough,
So...

Pain is a motivation just like joy,
You put out your bowl and you ask for more,
Because feeling something,
Is better than nothing,
Or so I tell myself every day,
That I can smile through the pain,

The lights dimmed out in my life long ago,
Yet some still make me fight to live in a world,
Who's soil is soaked with the tears I've cried,
Over people who I thought, cared, but lied,
And yet I walk over the ground,
Soaked to the bone with my blood,
Carrying on as if my feet aren't cracked,
And oozing all the love I lacked,
And craved from some who could fix me,
But there's no hope on the horizon that I see,
So I dream of an existance,
Where I'm not in it,
But wishes don't come true,
You taught me that, didn't you?

In the basement of my mind,
I cower and I hide,
From the memories,
That haunt me,
Please someone help me out,
I can't seem to shout,
For help anymore,
And I'm sorry I didn't try more,

I try to crawl now that my legs have no more strength,
But my hands can't seem to grasp at anything but hate,
Hate for myself, as a demon just like you,
And if only, if only I knew,
That you suffered as I did, day after day,
Then maybe, maybe, I might be okay,
But your life is perfect,
A partner and kids, it's kind of sick,
And twisted in the worst possibly way,
That I'm over here dying to be okay,
And you've got the life of the little girl,
Who's light you snuffed out, without a word,
Just a grunt and moan,
And now, I'm just done,

In the basement of my mind,
I cower and I hide,
From the memories,
That haunt me,
Please someone help me out,
I can't seem to shout,
For help anymore,
And I'm sorry I didn't try more.

Even if you were to forgive me,
I never can forgive myself,
For I am the monster under the bed,
That haunts my own head,
I'm the demon that possess the sane,
Molecules in my own brain,
So don't pity my decision,
It wasn't made without precision,
I thought it over so much in my life,
That I'm surprised it didn't happen before tonight,

So do not weep for the years unlived,
I would've of suffered every day I did,
Do not cry for the time we've lost,
Because they would've come at too steep a cost.

So relish every day I am free,
Reliquished from the sights I'd seen,
Inside my head for years and days and hours,
That had done nothing but soured,
Every minute that I gave to this world,
All the time I was smiling like a good girl,
So celebrate the times that I forgot,
This life I lived was a tainted lot,
And just know and never ever forget,
I loved you all without regret,

So do not weep for the years unlived,
I would've of suffered every day I did,
Do not cry for the time we've lost,
Because they would've come at too steep a cost.