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How do you say that you don’t care about who touches me now with such a lack of emotion,
When the thought of someone doing the same to you makes me burn with enough rage to fill an ocean,
Yet I continue to believe you every time, and then I wake up a week later with you on my missed call list,
It really feels like we’re just a failed connection that could’ve been something, but now it’s time to cease and desist,
At this point, I give in to the inevitability that we were never truly meant to be,
That we lost our chance with all the times you chose another her over me,
Maybe in another lifetime, our souls will meet again,
But I’ve got to say I hope not, so this is the end,

I can’t keep falling for you, just to have you trip me,
Like a mirage or a trick that I don’t ever see coming,
And maybe I’m just tired of not being able to breathe,
Because I know you’re telling her the same sweet nothings,
You used to whisper to me,

Each time I’ve tried to pull away you would just convince me I was the problem while looking me right in the eyes,
Your tongue always manipulated me into agreeing I didn’t love you enough while coated in the sweetest lies,
And I’d fall in this trap over and over, so is it fate that it’s happening to you now?
Maybe you shouldn’t have ****** in Karma’s Wheaties so many times, but anyhow,
You’ll never see the fault in your own doing, blaming everyone else for every single one of your issues,
I’m personally done being a punching bag for your emotional problems while metaphorically handing you tissues,
So please find the nearest exit and remember to never darken my door again,
The only parting gift I’ll give you is the advice to wrap it with your next “friend,”

I can’t keep falling for you, just to have you trip me,
Like a mirage or a trick that I don’t ever see coming,
And maybe I’m just tired of not being able to breathe,
Because I know you’re telling her the same sweet nothings,
That I used to let you whisper to me.

You can whisper in all their ears Paul,
Pride did always come before the fall.
Maybe I'm just a wandering soul,
Looking for its home,
Only to find it never belonged in this world at all,
That I was truly a demon who got lost in the fall,
From hell, because that's how I get looked at,
Like a pretty lost devil woman who would steal your cat,
But I won't,
And I'm not,
I'm just a lone wolf who wouldn't hurt a fly,
And if they did, they'd wish to lay down and die,
Because hurting myself is one thing,
Hurting others is not okay to me,
But I still get looked at like I'm an alien,
Lost from a world of sadism,
And I don't wanna be a loner anymore,
I don't want to be a lonely *****,
Pick me up next time I'm drunk and laying by myself on the floor,
Trying to cope with this feeling of not belonging behind even my own door,
Nightmares of carpeted basements dancing in my head,
That's why I fear to sleep, for sleeping makes me feel like death,
And why has no one asked me today,
If I am okay? Am I okay?
Yes, but no I'm also not,
Because moving on is hard,
And I still don't belong anywhere,
The worst part is that no one cares.
No one cares...
No one cares...
During the day I'm great, at night...the demons start to scream at me again.
Valarola Nikola Dec 2020
I’m way too close to turning Thirty-Three,
It’s 1:30 in the morning and I’m seething,
I’m surrounded by friends constantly in turmoil,
But **** it if they won’t tell you they’re loyal,
Just once I’d like someone to respect my boundaries,
And not end the day on some B.S. moral quandary,
Debating if I should put someone’s needs before mine,
Because it’s driving me over the edge in my mind,

Everybody will scream “WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?”
While you’re right next to them clearly drowning,
What has this world come to, when no one cares what harm their extra baggage will do,
As long as they’re getting the attention they seek, who cares about me or you?

I don’t want to get older, I haven’t done enough,
Haven’t settled down,  and found my one true love,
Unless you count ******* everything up,
But ah, ***** it some of it’s been kind of fun,
Not going to lie, I’d take back a few of the things I’ve done,
But I’d never take back who I’ve grown up to become,
I’ll end this by bragging that my Mom says I’m quite wonderful,
And as she found out far too late I’m also quite nonrefundable,

Everybody will scream “WHY AREN’T YOU HELPING ME?”
While you’re right next to them clearly drowning,
What has this world come to, when no one cares what harm their extra baggage will do,
As long as they’re getting the attention they seek, who cares about me or you?
It's like on my worst day, when I just want to focus on me, someone is like no, don't do that PLEASE FOCUS ON ALL THIS.
Valarola Nikola Nov 2020
A  lot of people will one day want to take credit,
For why I'll have finally kicked the bucket,
Let me tell you the truth right now while I'm alive though,
It's got nothing to do with what will feed someone's ego,
Everything was always about you in your life,
I have no question you'll try the same at my death,
You would never let me have anything,
If you can take credit for everything,
Had me thinking that even fixing my social anxiety,
Could be all on you as if I didn't try at all, the depravity,
If you ever had to admit for one second that other people have it hard too,
You'd probably implode, cause no one in your life ever has it as bad as you do,

You told me once to put off going to the psych ward when I was suicidal,
Because your kid had a birthday party you wanted me to help you set up for,
But when I tell you maybe you're a bit narcissistic,
I'm the one who is overreacting and getting defensive,

The toxicity that just drips off of you is like acid,
It was poisoning me, and you'd get mad if I ever questioned it,
You'd give apologies that felt more like salt being poured into the wound,
And you're control issues were on a whole other level too,
I'm not saying I don't have faults, but I try to fix and grow from them,
Not get mad and literally push away the oldest of all my friends,
Tell them they don't appreciate all the things that I do,
I would have given you my last dollar if you asked me to,
But instead all I did was offer to watch your kids so you could even just shower,
It wasn't at the right time of day though, you'd rather wait a week and an hour,
Than do anything that's not in your time, in your way,
And that's why I need this permanent break,

You told me once to put off going to the psych ward when I was suicidal,
Because your kid had a birthday party you wanted me to help you set up for,
But when I tell you maybe you're a bit narcissistic,
I'm the one who is overreacting and getting defensive.
Valarola Nikola Oct 2020
******* and your ******* face Paul,
Cause you must have tripped me to make me fall,
(This hard for you)
******* and your ******* wife Paul,
Cause you don't know how to tell the truth at all,
(Unless it benefits you)

Who let you out of the cage into the general population?
Someone ****** up somewhere for that to happen,
You don't care about anyone but the reflection that looks back at you,
And I've been waiting patiently for the day you get caught at what you do,
Think you hide so well all the girls you juggle like it's okay,
But you've been dropping *****, all over the place,
And I'll expose you one of these days,
For all the lies you say,

******* and your ******* face Paul,
Cause you must have tripped me to make me fall,
(This hard for you)
******* and your ******* mistress Paul,
Cause you don't know how to tell the truth at all,
(Unless it benefits you)

Hey *******, I didn't call you that cause you're good at head,
I named you that cause you can't even do that right in bed,
More O's more with a man I met a few months ago,
Than you who I've been ******* with 2 1/2 years next fall,
You think you're Gods gift to women,
You're not even close in my opinion,
In fact if you call, I'll be busy washing my hair,
For the foreseeable future, so how about we not anymore?

******* and your ******* face Paul,
Cause you must have tripped me to make me fall,
(This hard for you)
******* and your ******* side chicks Paul,
Cause you don't know how to tell the truth at all,
(Unless it benefits you)
Valarola Nikola Oct 2020
Why do you make me bleed bleed, bleed bleed, keep me bleeding,
It's like you're only happy when I'm on the edge of walking away and leaving,
You love me confused, blurred between sanity and insanity,
But every moment whether it's with or without you is calamity,
And I'm so close to losing it again,
The psych ward is becoming my best friend,
And I don't like it, but you don't seem to give a single ****,
I'm just waiting for when my heart said it's had enough,
Cause that ******* is dumb as ****,
Let's you beat it to pulp and asks for one more hit,
My head's been screaming for awhile now to please let go and not to linger,
But I still have at least have one more fiber of skin left hanging on in my *******,

******* for not walking away when you can see I'm incapable,
You're not gonna leave me until I'm broken and beyond savable,
You want every piece of me that's not broken, and I'll tell you it's not many,
And all the shards are screaming out, "Please somebody save me!'

You, you just love that I love you, and it's not quite the same,
As a love that doesn't keep making you feel more in (*******) sane,
But I don't think you really know the difference,
You only think love is real when it's toxic as ****,
And me, I just want for once to feel okay,
Not to wake up dreading another day,
But you, you don't care as long as I'm paying attention,
What happens though if you push me over the edge of my depression?
Just one step too many and you know I'll down a hand-full of pills,
Not look back until I wake up in the ER or looking down at myself buried under a hill,
Sometimes though I wonder,
If you want me six feet under,
Just for the ability,
To ask other girls for their sympathy,

******* for not walking away when you can see I'm incapable,
You're not gonna leave me until I'm broken and beyond savable,
You want every piece of me that's not broken, and I'll tell you it's not many,
And all the shards are screaming out, "Please somebody save me!'
Valarola Nikola Oct 2020
Why do I let you treat me more ****** up than I deserve?
I've been asked this time and again, and I wish had the nerve,
To say enough is enough like they all wish I would,
But there's a monster in me that needs to be treated like less than dirt,
It feeds off my misery and is only contented when I'm depressed,
Between the edge of sanity and insanity I must have confessed,
This to you at some point, and now it's like you get off on the fact,
That I won't walk away no matter how badly you act,
And yes, there is care and love underneath all of the self-torment,
But it's a twisted kind that feeds off of your dark sentiments,
It gets off when you ***** another chick and I take you back like that can undo,
All of the ******* I you continue to let you put me through ,
But if you loved me, you wouldn't hurt me over and over like you do,
Please can you let me go, or my mom will be burying another child, this I promise you,


You're the worst kind of drug, you don't just feed me with the all of the emotional highs,
But you also reinforce it with the sweetest of words that tell me what I am doing is right,
We've become too entwined in this entanglement,
So let's find a way to turn this into a disentanglement,


Because I tend to self-medicate with anything that's close enough to grab,
And you've quickly become my favorite crutch to lean upon when I'm in a jam,
It's not alright and it doesn't really work for either of us anymore,
It hasn't for awhile, and I've been tired of feeling like your secret *****,
I see that whatever demon is eating you,
Likes feeding off of mine a little bit too much too,
And too long it's been draining me,
Do you not care what's you're doing, or too dumb to see?
Now I can only look up to the stars,
And wish on them so **** hard,
But they don't listen to me and neither do you,
So please let me go, or I'll be another grave in your rear view,
Another name to tattoo somewhere,
If you even care enough to dare,


You're the worst kind of drug, you don't just feed me with the all of the emotional highs,
But you also reinforce it with the sweetest of words that tell me what I am doing is right,
We've become too entwined in this entanglement,
So let's find a way to turn this into a disentanglement,
Sometimes in my darkest moments, I write how I feel in the hope of exorcising whatever emotion is eating at me.
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