I can in so unaware,
and so naive.
You used that against me.
It was all new.
Day in and day out,
on my feet for hours,
trying my **** hardest,
and the anixity eating me away.
It didn’t matter,
it was never enough.
An accident I never meant to happen,
and I was written up.
Two weeks just shy of two months since my first day,
and written up three more times.
It was then I couldn’t take it anymore.
You weren’t going to tear me down any further.
And I wasn’t going to let you win.
So I walked out the door with my head held high.
No goodbye.

It courses through my entire being,
and I’m numb frm the sensation.
Why can’t I feel?
If I stop the demons come back,
and I return to fighting a battle I’ll never win.
But choosing to erase all sense of happiness, hope, and anger leaves me void of all that I once cared about.
Maybe I can find the balance in between,
because I don’t want to loose the part of me that loved so true.
But more importantly...
I want to loose what brought me here.

Walls close in,
and someone else takes control of the moment,
leaving you standing there,
thinking the worst is about to happen,
and making you feel as if you’re caught in a net.
No one bothers to ask if you’re okay.
They only stare or turn away.
A spectacle to watch and turn off when the interest fades away.
Sadly the fear in your bones doesn’t disappear as fast,
and everyone’s wondering why you can’t turn it off.
Because it’s not like changing clothes or pushing a button.
It comes without warning,
and believe me if I knew when it would arrive,
I’d already be long gone.

When home is the one place you should run to,
and today, yesterday, you were told to run from it.
It’s not getting any clearer,
and you wonder if home will even be there when you return.  
If so,
you’re one of the lucky ones.
But structures and things don’t matter quite as much as each breath from your lungs.
You’re alive,
they’re alive,
and hopefully, slowly you can rebuild.
It’ll take time to heal what nature broke,
but God is there in every step and struggle.
He didn’t desert you then when he carried you from the flames,
and he won’t desert you now when the world around you turns to ashes.
One day those ashes will disappear,
and all those uncertain nights will fade into hope.
Brcause fire isn’t permanent.
God is.

I couldn't bare to show you the me that I hated.
The person who I tried so hard to hide in the months I lost myself,
But I was trapped,
haunted everyday by the darkest of nightmares I locked away.

And in a burst of light,
you came with the key in hand,
taking my memories,
and opening my heart.
You didn't shred them
or try to make me forget.
You handled them with care,
and stood by and watched as I fell apart,
ready to pick me up at a moment's notice.
I wasn't okay and you knew that,
not caring one bit,
still looking at me with those same warm eyes.

And after all this time,
I finally realized I didn't have to hold the lock anymore.
As long as I had you,
I could show every scar,
every nightmare,
and every mess I made.
But I could also show the me that now wanted to heal,
that now wanted to be better.

I exploded into a terror of destruction when you walked into my life,
but at the same time I fell into the glowing light you shined all around me.
I was failing fast,
about to be completely shattered,
lost in a mess of the grandest kind.
I would have drowned if you hadn't swam in and carried me out.
And though I crashed and burned the only blanket that held my tears,
it was for you
I know I destroyed what could have been,
I let my darkness get the best of me.
Created a story that tore apart the pages of what was real.
I was running,
loosing fast.
Until something stopped me.
And in a fire burning bright,
I came to.
My eyes opened,
and I could finally see clearly.
I knew what was wrong,
and now I realize I can fix it.

Someone once thought my poetry was ****.
Scoffed at what I wrote about.
Truth be told,
it did hurt.
And I replayed their words that day letting it eat me up inside.
A part of me didn’t want to write anymore.
But how could I turn my back on something I loved more than anything?
It’s impossible for me to leave behind the very thing that makes me smile,
and in a way has saved me numerous times.
It’s my outlet when my head becomes too complicated,
and each breath feels like a chore.
I don’t write to please others.
I write what’s on my heart and what fills my brain.
If for some reason someone doesn’t like it,
than so it be.
I’m just being true to me.
And here I am,
still writing,
still breathing.

Tired bones,
and tired eyes,
I struggle to get through each hour.
Loosing my patience and sanity.
I wonder if the battle is loosing.
Then in the back of my mind pushing its’ way past the doubt and hurting,
I hear a voice softy whisper,
“Dear child,
tomorrow is coming and you do all you can.
You take on an impossible task,
and you refuse to quit.
Though the work seems giant,
remember you can’t do it all.
There is only so much the world can put on your shoulders.
And for everything else,
that is why I am here.
When everything feels like it’s crumbling,
look up and there I’ll be there.
Yes, child.
I’m always there.”

This year has not been my year.
Ups and mostly downs,
Never feeling quite like myself.
January was my lowest,
a loss of a family member shook me to the core.
Changes came after and nothing went right.
My heart still aches and my head spins.
I’m not sure what to do.
But faith is the only thing that holds me together.
Not faith in myself, but faith in God.
Hoping this storm passes and I will be okay.
Maybe I’m meant for something different,
somewhere away from this all.

Fallen onto the snow,
the memories can't be erased.
All the days I held you close
when the winds came blowing by.
Nightmares tried to rip you apart,
but I glued back the pieces of your heart,
forever hoping it would never crack again.

Then in fiery rage I was gone,
torn away from all I held dear
and the plans you and I had made.

I never prayed so **** hard.

Now the years have passed,
of course I came back,
and we tried so hard to start over again,
but it was never quite the same.
The love was strong and always there,
but everything and everyone got in the way,
and no matter how many times,
it never really worked.

And so here I go,
trying to find myself, somewhere else away from here.
I don't know if I'll ever come back,
I always did before,
and maybe someday we'll get to where we once were,

because...

fallen onto the snow,
the memories can't be erased.

On wobbly feet
and shaky breath,
these words are so hard to find.
No one knows what’s going on in that space up there.
You fall once,
maybe twice,
and all they do is watch as you get back up again.  
No lending hand.
Just eyes turning away.
You’re struggling.
And for once you wish someone would finally give a ****.

Scary and unknowing,
I turn off the noise.
Too much,
too little,
and the days don’t go fast enough.
If I take another breathe at least I know I’m still here.
Life is so broken now,
and the world we took for granted leaves us all connected.
Home becomes the constant,
and the things that once were so normal are temporarily gone.
We find other ways to pass the hours.
So in this scary and unknowing time,
I turn off the noise.

Wake up, wake up.
Open your eyes and see today.
Roll over in your bed
and see the sun rise
or the stars still sprinkling across the sky. Yesterday you lived,
but what’s even better
is you’re living today.
And those eyes you opened,
get to do it all over again.

And so he falls apart.
Cracks at the seams as he tries so desperately to crawl his way out.
There’s no turning back.
He can’t erase what’s already been done.
And the memories chew at every thought.
It’s all he can think about.
Mistakes, betrayal, failures, and all that’s gone wrong.
If by some miracle he takes a step forward,
he somehow always goes two steps back.  
He want to change.
The numb feeling in his soul he can’t take anymore.
And alone he can’t do this.
His heart constantly begging for help.
Perhaps help is out there.
If only he could find her.

If you think about tomorrow, you’re halfway there. Hold on.

With a fire in my heart,
I write love stories that aren't fairytales.
Though beautiful,
fairytales aren't all that magical,
and life just doesn't work that way.

No love story is a happy ever after,
and no love story can ever be real.
Life is full of heartaches, tragedies, and broken promises.
Even if love sticks around,
it never runs that smoothly.

Love is not a highway,
but a cobbled road,
sometimes lonely,
or a tidal wave during a storm,
fighting to pull you under.

Though love is ugly,
it too is beautiful.
Love can endure the worst.
Illness, temptation, anger, and a sadness no one wants to bare.
It's stronger than anything,
and more solid than most.
It casts out fear,
and defeats hate.
It's what I write about.
The good and the bad.

And I can barely breathe.
Words twisted in broken angles,
emotions caught in webs I can’t undo.
I try to free myself,
but I fail miserably.
And as a year passes,
I’m still all wrong,
and never right.
So please forget that I was even here.

Dear Hope,

When I have nothing left,
you are there.
When everything is right,
you are cheering me on.
When it’s all wrong,
you are moving me forward.
You wake me up each morning,
and you get me through the day.
You put that smile on my face,
even when the strength inside of me is dwindling.
You keep me steady,
and you never doubt tomorrow.
When fear tries to overcome my soul,
you shine the light that chases away the darkness.
You never let me fall,
and you wipe away all the tears.
When everything seems uncertain,
you are sure it will be okay.
For you aren’t just Hope.
You are God,
Truth and Savior,
my everlasting anchor.
Thank you.

Love,
Forever Hopeful

The time I spent with you I never regret.
I learned so much about myself in your presence,
and more than I could have imagined,
I fell in love with someone I wanted to spend forever with.
Ironically though forever now seems impossible.
Every day is a waiting game,
and I do not know if this second will be the last.
So I turn away.
Leave behind what made me so happy.
And all the memories I’ll treasure
will only remain as that.
I do not want you to see me the way I will become.
Goodbyes laced with anger will hurt far less than a goodbye at the edge.
And I’m sorry it’s come to this.
I’d turn my days around if I could,
and all the lies would never have to be.
But I can’t hold onto hope when hope flickers so small.

I stood there doing my best,
trying to please everyone no matter how tired I felt.
I was a hamster spinning on a wheel that didn’t seem to ever stop.
I picked up pieces to put back together,
but they never seemed to fit.
I was to blame and shame took its’ hold on me.
Maybe I wasn’t good enough.
Maybe I deserved the criticism that tore apart my soul.
For blood and tears didn’t add up,
and written reports only emptied me of what little hope I had left.
I was lost to the darkness and the sunlight could never find me.
One more minute there and I would have crumpled,
unable to return from the Hell I was in.
So I ran.
Left behind the nagging guilt and worthlessness that had engulfed me.  
I no longer wanted this control over me
and the monkey I pushed off my back.
You could tear me down,
break me even,
but you will never make me stay.
And one day I will fully heal from the messed up emotions you made me feel.

Shut out everything including the light.
Forget the memories we tried so hard to make.
Life was so much more easier yesterday
when worries were never too big to handle.

Twist the words that fall from your mouth.
Heaven knows you didn’t mean them.  
It’s far less painful to hide the breakdown.
Because falling apart would mean having to face the truth.

And the truth is what scares me the most.

You say a word
and it falls to dust.
Might as well not speak anymore.
Because silence is a much better friend,
and loneliness keeps more company then anyone else ever did.

He turns,
but every way is wrong,
and all roads lead to lines crossed.
The signs ahead don’t help,
he’s more confused than ever,
and sadly defeat surrounds his every waken bone.
If only he could find what made him smile once upon a long time ago,
then maybe he’d be okay.

These emotions I hide,
pretending to be strong,
when secretly I want to fall apart.
Is it bad I don’t want to be me?
When everything I do is wrong
and I can’t seem to get it right.
I hate myself for it
and a part of me wishes I could cry.
A part of me wishes I could do something else and go somwhere far away.  
Maybe a place I was more appreciated,
and where I didnt fell like a number.

A scattered mess
he tries so desperately to hide.
No one knows his secrets,
and everything he fears.
Too scared to get close.
Too weary to open up.
What if it all crumbles
and he looses once more?
His mind is spinning,
and even though he wants to leave,
she convinces him to stay,
and around her his walls start to fall.
Sure he's lost before,
and he'll loose again.
Time and time again.
Love, friendship, innocence,
a stranger he understood all too well,
and someone he'll never meet,
but knows with all his heart.
It's an odd game life throws at him,
but he'll play it anyway.
Twists, turns, and everything in between.

The time I spent with you I never regret.
I learned so much about myself in your presence,
and more than I could have imagined,
I fell in love with someone I wanted to spend forever with.
Ironically though forever now seems impossible.
Every day is a waiting game,
and I do not know if this second will be the last.
So I turn away.
Leave behind what made me so happy.
And all the memories I’ll treasure
will only remain as that.
I do not want you to see me the way I will become.
Goodbyes laced with anger will hurt far less than a goodbye at the edge.
And I’m sorry it’s come to this.
I’d turn my days around if I could,
and all the lies would never have to be.
But I can’t hold onto hope when hope flickers so small.

We collide like two waves in a hurricane.
Emotions flying through the sky,
but somehow connected like stars in a constellation.
I was right,
you were wrong.
You were right,
and I was wrong.
Together we fit,
though not quite with such smooth edges.
We are not the same,
so different,
and yet we became a pair.
Never wanting to be without one another.
Cause when we're apart the magnets kicked in,
and pulling us away is never so easy.

I showed up at your doorstep
all kinds of confused,
clouded by the way we let things fall.
It was my fault,
my mess that I threw at your face.
Like bullets,
I said everything that tore us apart.
I trashed not only you and I,
I trashed myself.
Tore apart everything about me.
Shattered and dropped what we had to the floor like glass.
And now these **** thoughts won’t let me get over them.
So here I’m am,
standing in the rain six feet apart,
hoping you’ll open the door.
Because as much as the confusion is begging me walk away,
the apologies in my heart won’t let me go.

I’m sorry...

If it’s the last thing I ever say,
or the last thing you hear of me,

I’m sorry.

I don't want to be this way,
but it's who I am.
Sticks and stones,
and all that other **** knocked me down.
Turned me into a puzzle with a million pieces
scattered on the ground.
Confetti that was stepped on
when the party was over.
And that song on the radio
**** long forgotten by now.

I don't want to feel this crap,
but I can't stop it.
I'm on overdrive,
hitting 90 miles down a never ending backroad.
And with it all,
these tears fall,
and tired eyes can't hold them anymore.

I don't want to be me.
But I guess I'll have to settle,
because me is all I have.

The things that hold us down,
the things that tie us to the ground.

A past of heartaches,
a past of regrets.

All the things we wished we could have said or done.
All the people we wished we would have held on tighter to,
and the people we crave to talk to once more.

The tears that keep us up at night,
the tears that never seem to go away.
The anger that builds up right behind them,
and the sadness that overtakes us like a tidal wave.

The damage in our hearts,
scars we can't forget.

The pain we caused,
and the pain we were dealt.

The loneliness that keeps us boxed,
stuffed with things we can't make go away.

Because deep down inside buried breath the ashes,
we miss the happy times.
The things we loved,
the things we lost.

When no one gives a ****,
and a show seems more important.
When your breath is hard to swallow,
and you’re left alone chasing it.
Rest just isn’t in the cards.
You’re defeated.
No one wants to help.
So I guess I’ll just sit here drowning
until there’s nothing left of me.

I exploded into a terror of destruction when you walked into my life,
but at the same time I fell into the glowing light you shined all around me.
I was failing fast,
about to be completely shattered,
lost in a mess of the grandest kind.
I would have drowned if you hadn't swam in and carried me out.
And though I crashed and burned the only blanket that held my tears,
it was for you.
I know I destroyed what could have been,
I let my darkness get the best of me.
Created a story that tore apart the pages of what was real.
I was running,
loosing fast.
Until something stopped me.
And in a fire burning bright,
I came to.
My eyes opened,
and I could finally see clearly.
I knew what was wrong.
Maybe I could fix it.
I’m not sure,
but I’ll try.

Feeling all kinds of insecurities
that no one seems to get.
And tired of all the questions
about where my life is currently at
and currently not heading.
My life shouldn’t be a question for people.  
It’s not their’s to understand.
I live it at my own pace,
and do what makes me happy.
I don’t have to have it all perfectly laid out
or go by the book.
It doesn’t have to be all pretty.
Because what I learned years ago is something so much more important.
It isn’t about how perfect you live your life.
It’s not about how smoothly everything goes
or how many successes you can add up.
It’s waking up each day seeing the sun shine,
and knowing you get live.
That you chose to live.
That you’ve survived,
and with each breath and every heartbeat,
you are still here.

I feel as I feel.
It’s my own,
and not anyone else does it belong to.
No one can tell me how or why,
when or where.
No one can turn me into something I’m not.
I feel not just with heart,
but deep within my soul.
Emotions may get the best of me sometimes,
but they are mine,
and with them I’m reminded of every beat and every breath of what is real.

Awkward at best,
but you didn’t seem to care.
I could fall and stumble,
and you’d be right there.
No questions asked.
Anytime light or dark.
And each time we hugged a warmth filled me that even my IQ couldn’t explain.
When I was faced with the dark,
you were the first to come running.
And when you were down,
I never hesitated.
Like clockwork we were two in the same.
But you found another,
and the stars never quite aligned with the stars in our eyes.  
We weren’t meant to be.
Sad,
but true.
And though we can’t be one,
we’ll always be two.
There when the going gets tough,
and forever as close as the universe will allow.
You have my back,
and I’ve got yours.

I said I didn't need you,
that you were okay where you were.
But truth was I wasn't the one that was okay.
I was left with the unknown,
afraid if tomorrow would ever come,
and how many mornings I would get to see.
I lied.
I did need you,
and on the cold hard floor with my bags in front of me,
I dialed your familiar number,
and begged you to come.
What I didn't know was you were already there.
You saw through my mask
and knew me better than I knew myself.
I was too in shock,
and all you cared about was being there,
holding my hand through it all,
and looking at me with those same caring eyes
I have gotten to love these few years.

Though I wasn't there when you were at your absolute worst.
Through I didn't hold your hand when you trying to get better,
thinking more about myself than you in that ugly bed,
with those sad eyes,
and the smile that would not return for months.  
I was there in the before and the after,
but I didn't keep my own promise to you when I said I wouldn't leave,
and because of that I regret each moment you crumbled more and more,
and the light that left your face.
I told myself I would do my hardest to not let it escape again when it came back.

And now here you are,
whispering the words I wish I had said to you in your breakdown,
telling me it will be okay,
and that you love me.
That no matter what happened,
you aren't going anywhere.
A kiss on the lips and I know you are right.
You are my rock,
my solid ground when everything inside of me is falling apart
You are that voice I can listen to when the machines get too loud.
And the song in my head I never want to stop.
In sickness you are here with me.
From every outburst or tear I cry,
to each strand of hair I loose,
and watching the color draining from my face.

I wasn't there when the battles with your own fight got too hard.
When your mind kept playing tricks,
and you didn't know how to make it stop.
And all the nightmares that kept returning,
haunting your every waking moment.

But today,
right now,
that doesn't matter.
We're together and if for some reason I don't make it through to see your eyes in the morning,
I'll spend this moment here and now getting lost in them and you getting lost in mine.