Michaela Ferris: Poems - Hello Poetry

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Expressionless

Michaela Ferris Mar 2020

Looking into my own eyes
knowing they don't hold the stars
emotionless, expressionless pits of darkness.
Unable to speak my own mind,
unable to speak my emotions
hoping my eyes could do the talking
but they have become as expressionless as their host.

Reaching down into the depths of my heart,
slowly turning as cold as ice
as the ability to speak my mind has slowly been erased.
Drowning in myself, from tears held inside
Drowning in the depths of my own turmoil
hoping someone could see the pain inside
but knowing no-one cares to look deep enough.

My inability to express my thoughts
holds me captive in a circle of never-ending heartache,
broken promises and disappearing friends.
A subject of disappointment in everyone's eyes
A subject of a worthless, failure of a girl.
Now there's nothing more to give of myself,
given all I can 'till it drained me completely.

Continue reading...

Fade Invisible

Michaela Ferris Apr 2020

They always say you'll be okay,
give it time these things do pass
but with every new downfall
the darkness gets colder
and I can no longer escape its death defying grip.

It has been a while since I have taken this dip,
lost all myself control to the anger burning within.
I'm begging for someone to notice
that I am losing my grip on reality
Wanting to just slip away for good.

For right now, I'm done fighting these noises
I'll just let the shadows take a hold of me.
If they tear me to pieces
destroy all I've made.
Then at least I can fade invisible.

Continue reading...

fading away

Michaela Ferris Jan 2014

fading away

I feel like...
I'm slowly fading away,
lost and so afraid,
I can't really find much hope anymore
and everything just seems so cold....
I just keep hoping that I will find some sort of light
or someone who will help me hold on
until I can reach the end...
I generally have this fear
that I'm going to be left alone
and no matter how loud I cry or scream
no one can hear me...
I'm slowly fading away...

Continue reading...

Fading Away

Michaela Ferris May 2020

Fading Away

I’ll just paint a smile on my face, I’ll keep myself busy
I’ll play make believe that I’m okay,
I’m breaking under the weight, of being not okay!
I feel myself fading away.

I feel like I’ve been gone for a long time now,
My body is present, but I seem to be lost inside.
I used to love feeling everything I ever could.
But now I feel like I’m fading away.

It hurts me to say that I am not okay.
Letting everyone down hurts me more than they know.
It’s been tearing me apart,
The fact that I will never be all that they want me to be.

I know that I can’t keep living this way,
I know what will come if I do not make a change.
I’m buried under the weight of all the shame I’ve brought upon myself
And I know there’s no one to blame but me.

I fear I’ve faded away.

#fading #depression #anxiety #lost #pain #emotions #breaking #toolate

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Fake Facades

Michaela Ferris Feb 2020

Fake Facades

Hiding behind fake facades
of forced smiles and laughter.
Lying through gritted teeth
that I have not lay harm to myself once more,
whilst the sting from my skin is only just bearable.

Being alone is the scariest time
as I feel like there is no where to go
but down a swirling rabbit hole of never being enough.
I try and catch myself before its too late
but I have yet taken to hurting myself once more.

Shaking uncontrollably,
trying not to crack
and cry the tears that threaten to spill.
If only the words for help would fall so easily,
maybe I would no longer suffer in desolate silence.

Continue reading...

Fake it - memories of violence

Michaela Ferris Feb 2020

Fake it - memories of violence

So sick of being told how to be;
laugh and smile until they all believe
that everything is perfect
even if it's just for show.
You can't let anyone see the pain that's there.

For whats planted in my mind is
a family with their backs against the bedroom door,
the sounds of threats and screaming
Bouncing and echoing off the walls.
The first day I truly understood
that everything is not always good.
But you wear a smile and pretend it's all okay!

My memory is plagued with so much dark,
the voices of pleading children for it all to stop,
to be loved by a man who could never.
And the emptiness of promises
followed by spewing words of hatred
lead the violence to be seen as something deserved.
But you do your best to act normal and pretend it's all okay!

I thought with growing up, things would get easier,
but I guess things never will.
People like to try and take advantage
even if it destroys you inside.
When I close my eyes I feel it happening,
Their hands overpowering, taking away all my control.
But of course it must have been something I did, so just smile and get on with your life!

Maybe this is why i struggle to trust,
I'm so scared to be hurt and let down.
So before you get too close, I'll try and run.
I feel like this is all I can do to protect me from the violence,
or maybe this is all I am worth?!

#violence #memories #abuse #depression #trust #life #control #pain #sadness #anxiety

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Fog is like a locked door

Michaela Ferris Jan 2021

Fog is like a locked door

The fog is like a locked door
Without any key.
The candle is at the end
With little wick to burn
There is no longer a light at the end of the tunnel
Just a moving train, hurtling at full speed.
The night is never ending
Longer with each passing hour
And the cold, it lingers
Like a never ending winter.
My mind, soul and body has succumbed
To the dark thoughts it held dear long ago

#depression #dysthimia #mentailhealth #emotion #darkness #succumn

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For you...

Michaela Ferris Feb 2017

For you...

If someone gave me the chance to change how my life went,
With so many times I wish to forget,
I honestly don’t think I would
Because heaven knows if I would have met you.

Can we just escape and forget this world?
Maybe just tonight or only in my head,
I’ll meet you where the waves hit the shore
And kiss you underneath the light of a thousand stars.
Would you please stay with me in a dream world for tonight
And just say that you won’t disappear when I awake?

If I had the chance to make this distance between us shorter,
I don’t know if I would take that chance just yet
I don’t think I would
Because it’s made me treasure my time with you so much more.

I wish I could tell you how you make me feel;
As if I’ve finally found somewhere I can belong.
I wish I could tell you that you mean the world to me
And that I only will ever want you.
If I tried to be so honest with my feelings towards you,
Could you promise not to turn the other way?

If I had the chance to take all your worries away,
Even if that meant letting you go,
I think I would
Because I would rather you be happy, even if that is you better off without me.

So I’ll tell you that you always make my heart race,
You always manage to brighten up my darkest days.
I miss you more each time we’re apart
So look forward to the next time I can be with you.
If I could tell you the truth to your face instead of hiding,
I would tell you that I love you more than anything and feel so lucky just to have you in my life.

#love #happy #dreams #darkness #light #foryou #myworld

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Friends - nowhere to be found

Michaela Ferris Feb 2020

Friends - nowhere to be found

Who are these so called friends
Who are there when times are tough?
All I'm ever faced with is silence.
When I reach out and tell you I'm not okay,
Then faced with a night that is filled with loneliness
As tears stream down my face
And blood down my arm.
Yet you wonder why I don't speak the truth;
Because when I do,
Its greeted with nothing but silence and abandonment.

Continue reading...

Goodbye

Michaela Ferris Jan 2014

Goodbye

I'm done trying to show you
Who I truly am...
I'm done trying to help you
If this is the thanks that I get...
So say goodbye, i'm letting go

Thought you said you would be
But now your turning away.
Thought you meant what you told me
Did this all go to your head?
So goodbye...

I know that I've let you down,
I'm bleeding out but I like this...
I feel it slowly running out
I think it's my final goodbye...
I'm letting go..

Thought you said that you cared
But now I see your new face.
Thought you promised to hold on
So why am I slipping away?
My final goodbye

Continue reading...

Guard Down

Michaela Ferris Nov 2019

Guard Down

I never meant to let my guard down for so long,
building these walls is all I've ever known.
So I'm going to keep them rising high,
way to scared to let you inside
and see the mess I have been for far too long!

I'm so scared that if I let you in,
you'll be the same as everybody else around.
So walk away and let me down right now
before I have to face the pain all over again.
I don't think I can handle another lie right now!

I can feel myself caving into your words,
I wish I could really tell you how much this hurts!
So I will try pushing you away,
never saying what I really want to say
and let the pain take over my life once again.

If I let you in, I want to know that you will stay!
I don't want to spend another night
trying to fight off every dark thought inside my mind alone.
This disease is getting old, and I just want to feel at home
But there is something deep inside, that wants to push me off the edge.

So if I let my guard down one of these nights,
will you promise me that we will be alright.
Because I want someone to understand
but I can't stand the thought of losing everyone again.
So if i tell you what I'm thinking, can you promise me you'll stay?

#depression #anxiety #fear #walls #pain #control #losing #promises #thoughts #dark

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Her bittersweet revenge

Michaela Ferris Oct 2013

Her bittersweet revenge

Her bittersweet revenge
Lingering in your mind.
Those haunting ghostly words
From a girl locked away
from this evil eyed world.

Her haunting ghostly complexion
The cause of all your nightmares.
The blooded knife that fell
And missed you by an inch.
You are too afraid to cry.

The ****** in the alley
Your name written in blood.
You know that she is coming,
You're the next one on her list.
She tells you that you best get running.

To her it's all a game
The first one dead wins it all.
But you don't know her secret...
She is a figment of your imagination.
She is that girl you bullied to death.

Her bittersweet revenge
Lingering on your mind.
You made a promise
and never again
Will you make anyone suffer.

So just before you speak a word,
Make sure you know the truth.
This could be your next sin.
You could be her next victim...
The girl you bullied to death.

Continue reading...

Here I go

Michaela Ferris Dec 2013

Here I go

A knife in my hand
I'm wishing it will end.
I know how easy it is
To make my mistake.
Wishing for the end
So I guess....
Here I go!!!

Continue reading...

How long?

Michaela Ferris Feb 2020

How long?

How long do you have to keep holding on,
When you're so tired of fighting?
Scared of your own mind;
All the thoughts that remain of what's been and gone,
Now left forever haunting future moments.

Now all of the stars are fading away
And I can't take this much more,
Forever feeling lost and alone,
Unable to speak, rendered helpless by past neglect.
How am I supposed to keep going when there's no hope left?

How long are you supposed to keep going
When there is nothing left to hold onto anymore?
Im running out of tears to cry,
Just feeling numb to the world around and too tired to fight.
Now I'm watching all of the stars fade away...

Continue reading...

How much longer?

Michaela Ferris Feb 2017

How much longer?

I try to stay calm
But my voice it trembles like ripples in the water.

I try to hold on
But I'm losing my grip on the one thing that matters.

I try to breath deep
But all these thoughts in my head are suffocating me now.

I try to close my eyes and rest for a while
But this pain in my chest, as if you're tearing my heart out.

Oh but I know you don't care,
You don't see how much this is hurting me.
You just care about yourself,
Go play your stupid video games,
Go get ****** with all your friends...
But you know, I will always be here waiting
But for how much longer can I take this..?

Continue reading...

I am everywhere (mental health awareness)

Michaela Ferris Nov 2015

I am everywhere (mental health awareness)

Who am I to ask you for the time of day?
When you look at me as if I am a wall of grey.
My insecurities are fuelled by that devastating look in your eyes
That rips my very being from existents.
For you see, I am not like you
I am the nothingness that creeps inside your head
And haunts your once pleasant dreams
Until you plead for death to take you in its icy grip.

Who am I to ask if you will stay by my side?
For I am one of those many lost souls
And my abandonment issues how I wish to blame you.
You deserted me but I know I am the one to blame.
For you see my mind does not work like yours
It corrupts even the purest of thoughts
Impales them with the purest of impurities
Suffocating them like the vines around the necks of the flowers.

Who am I to ask if love is a shout into the void?
I still tear out my heart with my bare hands.
I am lost inside a world where no one can see the truth
It’s always them, it’s always suffer you sufferings in silence.
For you see they do not understand what it’s like
To be lost inside your own rotting head
Scared of the monsters under your bed, now they are inside your head.
No one cares if you ended up dead.

So please answer me, who am I to ask for your hand?
When you do not see me they way you should.
You see a feeble, weak, broken girl
Who’s too far gone to be saved.
For you see I am none of your concern
But that is where you are wrong.
I am a mother, a daughter, a farther, a son, a friend, family
I am everywhere, so please don’t turn your back on me!

#suicide #depression #death #anxiety #lost #insecurities #ed #monsters #nothingness #impurities

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I am everywhere (mental health awareness)

Michaela Ferris Apr 2016

I am everywhere (mental health awareness)

Who am I to ask you for the time of day?
When you look at me as if I am a wall of grey.
My insecurities are fuelled by that devastating look in your eyes
That rips my very being from existents.
For you see, I am not like you
I am the nothingness that creeps inside your head
And haunts your once pleasant dreams
Until you plead for death to take you in its icy grip.

Who am I to ask if you will stay by my side?
For I am one of those many lost souls
And my abandonment issues how I wish to blame you.
You deserted me but I know I am the one to blame.
For you see my mind does not work like yours
It corrupts even the purest of thoughts
Impales them with the purest of impurities
Suffocating them like the vines around the necks of the flowers.

Who am I to ask if love is a shout into the void?
I still tear out my heart with my bare hands.
I am lost inside a world where no one can see the truth
It’s always them, it’s always suffer you sufferings in silence.
For you see they do not understand what it’s like
To be lost inside your own rotting head
Scared of the monsters under your bed, now they are inside your head.
No one cares if you ended up dead.

So please answer me, who am I to ask for your hand?
When you do not see me they way you should.
You see a feeble, weak, broken girl
Who’s too far gone to be saved.
For you see I am none of your concern
But that is where you are wrong.
I am a mother, a daughter, a farther, a son, a friend, family
I am everywhere, so please don’t turn your back on me!

Continue reading...

I can be...

Michaela Ferris Nov 2013

I can be...

I can fake a smile,
I can force a laugh,
I can sing and dance if that's what you ask.
I can hide the tears,
I can mask the pain
I can come out of hiding if that's what you ask.
I can shelter my heart,
I can distance my feelings,
I can keep secrets and silence if that's what you ask.
I can shatter my hopes,
I can burn all my dreams,
I can turn away from you and them if that's what you ask.
I can be true,
I can be blind,
I can hide my true self and thoughts if that's what you ask.
I can say goodbye one final time,
I can do it all now,
I can end it all and watch it burn if that's what you ask

These are few thoughts that come to mind when I think of what I'm doing

Continue reading...

I can be a strong person

Michaela Ferris May 2015

I can be a strong person

I can be a strong person,
But every once in a while,
I would like someone to take my hand
And tell me that everything's going to be alright
Because honestly
I'm losing I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

#thoughts #help #suicidal #strong #down #breaking #losing

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I can't deal with this anymore

Michaela Ferris Nov 2015

I can't deal with this anymore

Right now its a little too much
Theses thoughts, they haunt my mind
I can't let it all go!

I'm trapped inside this nightmare
His hands roaming,
I'm begging and pleading but it won't stop!

I've decided tonight
I'm done with this pain
Blood dripping from my arms and thoughts of suicide.

I'm trapped and can't escape
Every time I close my eyes
His face and voice are there.

I can feel the touch that makes my stomach churns,
The tears that burn my eyes because they daren't fall.
I'm a failure and can't deal with this anymore.

This is based on something I've been through a few times...

Continue reading...

I can't do this anymore :(

Michaela Ferris Oct 2013

I can't do this anymore :(

So many people out there
Think that they know me
Truth is you can't see
The secrets inside of me.
So many tears I hide
Screaming for something more.
I can't let them free
Because of what others think of me.

I've got to try and run away.
Let these things disappear.
I'll fade away into nothingness
Let it all wash me away.
I'm too afraid to fight it off
To afraid to speak.
But I know it's getting closer
To the end that I may face.

Food is like a nightmare
A scary reality.
The thoughts of ever eating
Haunt each day I like e.
I have a deep dark secret
The walls I've built to hide.
I cannot speak,I cannot say
The reason that I cry.

Talking is now my enemy
I've lost the ones who cared.
My head is spinning in circles.
I know no one is there.
I'm broken down inside
Left to shed these many tears.
I want to end everything
But I can't open my mouth.

I've pushed them all away.
I know the truth about me.
I'm too ignorant, a *****, an idiot,
Worthless, a failure and weak.
There is no point to carrying on.
There is no point to life.
I don't know what I can do....

I'm lost on these dark shadows.
I have no escape from this.
It's dark and cold.
I'm so alone.
But I'm the reason
You have all fled.

Continue reading...

I can't hold on

Michaela Ferris Jan 2014

I can't hold on

It's getting so bad
That I just can't hold on
I'm losing my grip on the world
And I'm slowly fading away...
It's getting so hard
That I've lost my grip on this life
I'm losing touch with this reality
I've got nowhere to run...

I can't carry on.
Got nowhere to run.
I'm stuck in this life.
My head is spinning.
I can't hold on.
I've got to let go.
No time for goodbyes.
I'm losing my mind...

It's breaking me down
These thoughts are haunting me
Tearing me apart
I can't keep lying to myself...
It's tearing me up
I'm becoming so numb inside
But this is life
I've got to let go

I can't breath
I can't speak
I know you're there
But where do I go?
I can't see
I can't hear
These things that you say
I need an escape...

How many times
Will I go through this fight?
What if tonight's the night?
The night I let go...
I say goodbye for the last time
No more apologies...
Tonight is the night
That I let go...

Continue reading...

I can't let you go

Michaela Ferris Nov 2013

I can't let you go

I'm so scared and worried.
The thought of losing you
Haunts me.
The thought of you not being here
Sends tears down my face.
I love you more than words can say.
You always know just what to say.
I will be lost without you here
Another piece of me gone.
I need you here with me..
I can't cope with you gone.
I love you more than words can say
I just hope you realise
Before you leave me all alone.

My best friend said he wants to give up, this is what I wrote for him to make him realise how much he means to me...

Continue reading...

I can't live with myself

Michaela Ferris Mar 2017

I can't live with myself

I’m drowning in this darkness,
Slowly sinking in the pain
I’m beginning to doubt that
I can live with myself.
Time kills what I thought I had
Ripping my world in two.

If you could see me now
I know you wouldn’t be proud.
I try find ways to numb this pain
Whether that be by alcohol or blade,
But you wouldn’t understand.
I can’t live with myself.

Time consumes the things we hold dear
It seems to know what drives us mad,
Makes the loneliness last longer,
The pain more unbearable.
I lost who I was some time ago,
Now I’m nothing more than an empty shell.

There’s no way I can doubt that
I can’t live with myself.

#depression #dead #time #selfharm

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I can't make it through tonight

Michaela Ferris Mar 2015

I can't make it through tonight

I want to scream,
I want to shout
But I know I'm on my own.
I want to cut,
I want to cry
But my hands won't stop this shaking tonight.

I wish somebody knew
That I can't do it tonight.
I wish somebody knew
That I feel like I'm losing myself.

I want to hide,
I want to fade away
But I know it's not worth it at all.
I want to live,
I want to die
But oh how I long to be buried 6 feet underground.

I wish I didn't have to hide
All these tears that are falling down.
I wish someone would hold me tight
All I want is someone to refuse to let me go.

I want to bleed,
I want to be invisible
I know I'm capable of doing this.
I want to go,
I want to never come back
I wish I had never lived.

Continue reading...

I can't prove it...

Michaela Ferris Feb 2014

I can't prove it...

Those times when you want to let your tears flow
But you know you can't.
Keep them locked up inside,
Don't let them out, don't let them show.
It's just a sign that I'm weak, I'm broken,
I just can't go on.
So here I go, I'm an emotional wreck anyway.

Tell me not to give up on life
Are you even listening?
I'm through with all this pain,
I'm sick and tired, just torn to pieces.
Don't tell me to take your hand;
You know how much I'm breaking,
All we do is seem to fight each day.

I wish I could say how much it meant to me
To have you in my life,
I guess that's not so hard to do.
I know it feels like forever
But I promise you'll get better, just take that leap.
I won't stick around and hurt you anymore,
I'm falling so hard, torn from the inside out.

I never meant to let you down so bad,
Now I'm stuck in this place.
I'm stuck in this storm with the rain so heavy
It beats my skin, opening these scars.
I'm done with letting everyone down so often.
I've just got to get away,
I'm falling apart, into a million pieces.

I don't care what anyone has to say, this came from the heart and if you don't like it then that's your problem, not mine.

Continue reading...

(i didn't want to)Fall in Love

Michaela Ferris Feb 2017

(i didn't want to)Fall in Love

I never wanted to fall in love
Because I thought it only caused pain;
I’ve seen the tears, the devastation,
Watched it tear them all apart.
I never wanted to fall in love
Because they said I was never good enough,
But after that one night, things started to change…

I can’t control the butterflies as soon as you come my way,
I get lost inside your eyes where I wish that I could stay.
I feel my whole world brighten when I get to have you by my side,
You make me feel so safe, as though no one can hurt me now.
And even though I don’t see you as much as I would like,
The times I share with you, I wouldn’t change for anything.

I always have you on my mind, just wondering if you are fine?
I get lost in a daydream where it’s just you and I; no distance between.
The feelings in my heart when I can stay in your arms, it makes me smile.
There is so much I want to say, but I’m too scared I’d look a fool…
So for now, when you’re with me I’ll just look at you and smile
Because I know that it’s only you I’ll want in my life.

I’ve always been so scared of letting anyone get close
Because all they’ve ever done is walk away…
I’ve never had someone like you who believes in me wholeheartedly
It is safe to say you’ve stole my heart and that’s the truth.
So maybe all their words don’t really mean a thing?
I honestly couldn’t ask for anyone better to have right by my side.

I never wanted to fall in love
Because I thought it only caused pain.
But once again, you’ve proven me wrong.
I never wanted to fall in love
Because I didn’t believe I was worth anything
But you’ve shown me I am…
I’ve fallen in love with you and I never want to take that back!

#love #life #heart #eyes #boyfriend #hope #smile #safe #distance #worthless

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I don't belong here

Michaela Ferris Feb 2017

I don't belong here

I just don’t belong here,
I don’t understand myself at all.
I don’t want to be here
But I don’t want to leave you till its time…
So if I manage to stay here tonight
Will you please just tell me that it will be alright?
Because I don’t want to be here,
I’m about ready to give up this fight.

I stare at the pictures of us tonight
As these tears stream down my face,
It’s getting harder to breath
And this pain in my chest is taking it out of me.
I see the face of you and someone I don’t like
She’s staring back at me, with a smile I cannot find;
But tonight, I can’t bear to pick up the phone
I can’t even tell you…I’m not alright, I want to go.

I'm terrified you will finally turn away from me,
The long silences increase my anxieties…
I don’t want to hurt you,
I don’t want to bother you again tonight
Because we’re going in circles
And I don’t want you to see the mess that I’m truly in…
So please understand if I try to push you away once again
I just know you can do so much better!

#love #depression #pain #tears #anxiety #heartache #midnight #mentalhealth

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I don't have a choice

Michaela Ferris Feb 2018

I don't have a choice

I'm starting to believe
That I don't have a choice,
Living in a world where I don't have a voice.
So I'll build up my defence;
Running away from a world
Where you know you'll end up alone.

Now I am going,
Imagining the biggest adventure unknown.
Wondering how to make it home to the clouds.
Now I am wanting to grow,
Trapped in a world that's so undecided and cold.

The world could be your playground,
Just listen to the child inside calling your name;
She's lost and so scared.
So let down your defences.
Stop running away; maybe disappear for a little while.
Just take your time to find the reasons.

Just give me time,
I'm the worst and deciding my choices.
Wondering if I can find a reason to carry on.
I feel like I don't belong here,
No longer wanting to stay trapped inside my own dark mind.

Now I will be going.

#defence #depression #going #trapped #dark #suicidalthoughts #time #choices #reasons #unhappy

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If I could

Michaela Ferris Feb 2014

If I could

If I could have just one wish
I know just what it would be...
I would wish for you to be okay again
And not have anything to cause you pain.

If I could have just one moment
I know I would spend it with you
I will hope for the day that you can see
I'm falling for you once again.

If I could have your time
I hope I could make you see
That you alone can make my day
I just want to do the same for you.

If I could have one wish
I know I would use it to help you
I would wish all your pain away
And maybe one day I can help you,
The way that you have helped me...

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If I Dodged a Bullet

Michaela Ferris May 2020

If I Dodged a Bullet

It was us against the world some dark nights,
but you were hiding messed up secrets!
You took my breathe away, stole my light;
Made me feel like I was crazy for the longest while.
They say I got out just in time,
But honestly I'm not sure if they were right
because the scars have been embedded way too deep,
Now I don't know if there's much left of me...

If I dodged a bullet
then why am I still hurting?
I know things were a lost cause
so why am I searching for excuses?
If I made a getaway, from all your lies and your abuses
Why do I still feel the pain?
You still haunt me and you shouldn't
If i really dodged your bullet...

#abuse #pain #scars #left #light #lost #hurting #lies

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If only

Michaela Ferris Jan 2014

If only

If only you could see my tears
I cry each and every day.
If only you could hear my voice
Screaming for someone to help me.
If only you could feel my pain
That I've buried somewhere inside.
If only you knew how it feels to want something
Want to give up your life so bad.
If only you could see through my disguise
Which I use so often around society.
If only you could see the scars on my wrists
The ones that are made every night.
If only you took the time to see
That I'm not the strong one anymore.
If only you saw my demons inside
Then maybe you would attempt to understand.

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If you could erase the past, would you?

Michaela Ferris May 2020

If you could erase the past, would you?

If you could erase the past, would you?
It’s a question I find myself asking all the time.
I know they say it makes you who you are today,
but I don’t want to be the way it’s made me;
so untrusting, so scared I’ll always get hurt,
running away from all the people who say they’re there.
So, if you could erase the past, would you?
Or would you rather remember the hurt of it all?

If you could stop time for a little just to breathe,
would you want to take that minute or keep going?
There are times when it all feels like it’s too much,
but I know if I stopped I wouldn’t keep going;
knowing that there’s still so much I don’t know.
This world is making my mind spin way too often.
So if you could stop time for a minute just to breathe,
would you want to take that minute or just keep going?

#past #memories #erase #time #stop #pain #scared #untrusting

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If you're going to leave

Michaela Ferris Aug 2016

If you're going to leave

If you're going to leave then just go,
Please don't speak just walk away.
I can feel the emptiness deep inside
But when you're by my side I feel butterflies.

If you're going to leave then tell me now
Please make it quick so you don't see me cry.
I can feel my world being split in two,
Is there anything left that I can do?

If you're going to leave please do it now,
I'm so scares this is the end.
I don't what I would do without you,
So please make it quick and don't say goodbye!

Continue reading...

I hate getting to close

Michaela Ferris Nov 2013

I hate getting to close

I ask for your time
Yet I'm left all alone.
I long for those talks
But I'm scared of getting too close.
One day I will not need you always there
But right now I do
And you never seem to care.

My friends I can't stand to be around
I'm afraid I'll hurt them so.
My family I can't stand to see
I know all I do is let them down.
I long for the end of it all
The day that I can finally rest.
I hate getting to close to anyone.

I don't want to be around anyone
It hurts to see them hurting.
I can't stand to let you all down
And now all I want to do is change this.
I know I've got to do something about this.
I'm too scared to put down my defences
They are slowly creeping higher.

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I hate you, don't leave me

Michaela Ferris Jun 2014

I hate you, don't leave me

I hate you, don't leave me.
I need you, set me free.
Please hear me out
I've been here with you before
And I can't handle another fallout.
I admit I'm confused, I'm terrified of you!
I hate you, don't leave me.

I need you to trust me
But you will not listen
To a single word I say to you.
I'm in pieces, I can't take this pain!
Hear me out before we go again.
I'll admit I'm scared of how you make me feel,
I hate you, don't leave me.

I admit I'm probably mad,
I'm so confused and out of my depths!
I can't take what you do to me.
You never seem to understand
And you just can't explain anything to me.
No! I can no longer deal with all this in my head.
I hate you, don't leave me.

I hate you, don't leave me!
I need you to be honest with me.
Please listen when I ask you these questions,
Please don't run away.
Tell me whatever you want. I need you.
Please set me free, stay with me.
I hate you, don't leave me.

You don't seem to care if you break me,
Leave me if you want too
But please know I love the way you used to comfort me.
You don't seem to want to hear me out...
I'm addicted to the way you make me feel,
I'm gonna admit I'm terrified of losing you.
I hate you, don't leave me!

Continue reading...

I have nothing

Michaela Ferris May 2014

I'm lost inside this emptiness,
No escape, I'm lost and its lonely.
Everything is wrong and broken.
I have nothing left to hold onto anymore.
The light, the passion fades to black.
I'm done with making everyone's life hell.
There's nothing left worth holding onto.

Continue reading...

I just...

Michaela Ferris Jan 2014

I just...

It doesn't matter anymore
If I stay or if I leave
All these made up stories
Of wanting me to stay
They don't mean anything
It's just a way to fool me...
I wanna cry

It's getting so much harder
I cannot see the light
All these messed up feelings
I just wanna die
They stop me from feeling
It's just a way of seeing me...
I can't go on

I'm almost over the edge
There's nothing left anymore
All these messed up daydreams
I just want to cry
They just want to see me die
It's just my head all alone...
I'm done now

It's too hard to carry on
There's nothing for me here
All these made up stories
I just want to hide
They just want to see me crash
And burn inside my mind...
I'm finished

Continue reading...

'I'll get through this, I've made it this far. Maybe not tonight, it's just taking me a little while...'

Michaela Ferris Apr 2020

'I'll get through this, I've made it this far. Maybe not tonight, it's just taking me a little while...'

Someone asked if I was okay
but all I could muster was 'I'm fine'.
The way they looked into my eyes
I knew they could see that 'I'm fine' was all lies.

I quickly turned away, for them not to see my tears
and tried my best to place a smile across my weary face.
I tried with all my might to whisper: 'I'll get through this,
I've made it this far. Maybe not tonight, it's just taking me a little while...'

I know they saw that I was hurting
and I knew that the pain was becoming too much to take;
but this burden is mine to keep,
it is mine to bare alone.

They reached out to hold me closer,
as they placed their hand on mine.
They said they would stay, and help if they can
but i have heard those lines spoken too many times before.

Continue reading...

I'm done, its over...

Michaela Ferris May 2015

I'm done, its over...

That's it,
I've had enough!
Sick of the pain,
Sick of the tears.
I'm lost and cant be found.
I'm done!
I just cannot take this anymore.
I was looking for a reason to hold on,
I can't seem to find it.
I'm done.
Its over.
Goodbye!

#pain #tears #goodbye #over #done #enough #reasons

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Im done trying

Michaela Ferris Mar 2014

Sick of being beaten down
By people who say they care,
They don't really give a sh*t
As long as they don't see
The damage that it truly does.

I never did anything to you,
This is all becoming too much.
Why act like you can't, when you can?
Now I receive the grief.

Nobody gives one about others,
They don't care how you hurt
As long as they get what they want
Everybody else can go to hell.

If you thought I was hurt before
Take one last look now!
I'm torn and broken, I've stopped believing.
I'm done trying to be people's friends.

Continue reading...

I miss you! Girl I used to be

Michaela Ferris Apr 2015

I miss you! Girl I used to be

I miss you!
The girl with long flowing hair
As she ran wild and free.

I miss you!
The girls entrancing smile
And faith in everything.

I miss you!
The strong independent girl
Who you thought was brave and collected.

I miss you!
You've been stolen from me
By those monsters in the night.

I miss you!
The girl I used to be
Now lost in the darkness.

Continue reading...

I miss your everything!

Michaela Ferris Oct 2015

I miss your everything!

I miss your eyes and how they looked like stars.
I miss your voice and how it could make me feel better.
I miss your smile and how it could turn my darkest days bright.
I miss your smell and how it made me know you were right there.
I miss your hug and how it made me feel safe and protected.
I miss your jokes and how they were never any good.
I miss how you made me feel as a whole and how it now will never be the same.
I miss your everything now that you can't do this anymore.
I MISS YOU!
I miss you and now I can't help but cry at our memories which were the best times of all.

Continue reading...

I'm (not) fine

Michaela Ferris Jan 2014

I'm fine, but I'm crying
I'm so tired of trying
To find a way to believe in what you say about me...
I'm fine, but I'm trying
I'm so tired of living
Another day to try see what you see...

I mustn't let you down now,
I mustn't let go and cry...
All these nonsense stories
All made up in my head...
I'm trying to believe
But I'm fine... I'm fine

I'm fine, but it's so hard to believe
What you see inside of me.
I try, but I can't see what you see
But I know, I'll be fine...
I try, but I'm lost inside
I'm fine, but I cry...

My whole world is changing
I don't know where to turn
All these made up stories
Inside of my head, they lie, they lie...
I can't leave you to grieve
But I can't stay and watch me burn... me burn

I'm fine but it's so hard to believe
What they say about who I can be.
I try, but I can't see the ending
But I know, I'll be fine...
I try, but I'm lost inside...
I'm fine, but I cry...

I can't take anymore,
I just don't see what you see...
I've tried, but nothing will past through these walls.
I'm standing in the dark
And everything is not alright...
But I'm fine... I'm NOT fine...

Continue reading...

I'm on the edge

Michaela Ferris Apr 2015

I'm on the edge

I'm standing on the edge,
Wanting to take that one last breath.
Too much pain inside for me to take.
I want to end it all,
Don't want to cry again,
Fed up of pointless night
Wondering where it all went wrong.
I'm on the edge
And I cant take this anymore.

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I need(ed) you

Michaela Ferris Jun 2014

Whispers of true friendship.
Is what you gave to me
And yet you've turned your back
And I can barely see,
Through the tears that blur my vision
And the pain that holds my heart.
The funny thing is, is that you promised
You would never leave me alone.

Whispers of I love you' s
And promises of forever.
By best friends words
That meant the world
Seem to be crashing down.
Kindness that I cherished
The person I so dearly wanted
Pushed me away in fear.

Whispers of true friendship.
Too many promises of I'm here
The gentle words you spoke to me
Have been torn out from my mind.
So many long, tight hugs
Making me feel wanted
Are now broken and shattered
On the cold blood stained floor.

Whispers of fighting together
Never leaving or parting.
Helping eachother through thick and thin
But now that seems to be leaving.
So many distant memories
I'm trying to cling on too.
The words forming in my head
Over and over and over....

I needed you there....
I need you here

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I needed you there

Michaela Ferris Dec 2013

I needed you there

Whispers of true friendship.
Is what you gave to me
And yet you've turned your back
And I can barely see,
Through the tears that blur my vision
And the pain that holds my heart.
The funny thing is, is that you promised
You would never leave me alone.

Whispers of I love you' s
And promises of forever.
By best friends words
That meant the world
Seem to be crashing down.
Kindness that I cherished
The person I so dearly wanted
Pushed me away in fear.

Whispers of true friendship.
Too many promises of I'm here
The gentle words you spoke to me
Have been torn out from my mind.
So many long, tight hugs
Making me feel wanted
Are now broken and shattered
On the cold blood stained floor.

Whispers of fighting together
Never leaving or parting.
Helping eachother through thick and thin
But now that seems to be leaving.
So many distant memories
I'm trying to cling on too.
The words forming in my head
Over and over and over....

I needed you there....
I need you here

Continue reading...

Inner Conflict

Michaela Ferris Mar 2020

Inner voices of conflict;
should I stay or should I go.
Wondering if one step is all it takes
or if things are worth pushing through.
When tears spill in silent, desolate corners
like the rain falling over the sea.
If no-ones there, then no-one sees
and you can pretend its all a dream.

Scared up arms and broken hearts
wondering what is left to hang on to.
Blood that falls, stain your hands
leading you to believe that it can be all over;
no-one has to know just how you are hurting.
You can slowly slip away like a shadow on the wall
The lights go out and so you disappear,
lost to a world of why and how did this happen.

#depression #shadows #pretend #nature #anxiety #mentalhealth

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Is it okay?

Michaela Ferris Mar 2020

Is it okay?

Is it okay if I tell you I'm scared
when the weight crushes my chest
and I feel like I can't breather?

Is it okay if I say need you here
just for a little while till my head stops
and no longer feel like I have to hurt to feel?

Is it okay if I ask you to look a little closer?
Because sometimes the depression takes a hold
and the words I long to say get held captive inside my chest.

Is it okay if I slip away this time instead
because I'm unbelievably tired
and can no longer keep fighting an isolating battle against myself

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I think I'm falling for you again

Michaela Ferris Nov 2013

I think I'm falling for you again

So many words I want to say
But how to make you see,
That how I feel is true.
So many words there jumbled up
Inside my messed up head.
But one thing I know is how strongly I feel
And I just cannot let you go.

You hold me up when I fall down.
You've held me when I've cried.
You are my best friend
This I cannot deny.
So many things I want to tell you
But how to make you see
That I think I've fallen for you again.
I cannot jeopardise what we have.

My best friend, I need you to stay.

Me and a very good friend of mine have recently been closer then ever. There are so many things I want to tell him but I'm not sure he feels the same way.

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