This love affair I was yet to find,

hopelessly drunk and going in blind

I'm hidden come and find me
Naked in the dark that's where I'll be
Suffocated amongst the bed sheets of our emotions
Reality blanketed by lusts deep oceans
Trapped in this bed for a time that is lost
Strangled by our wires that seem to be crossed

I curse the fear that pulls me back in when something of a dream blurs into real life. Scared of daring to believe this could be my reality. Outlook blurred by comfortable distrust. Disbelieve, you can't want me? Too good to be true. My heart mirrored in your heart this reflection must be false. A drawn out ache pulls down on my heart. Heavy premature disappointment. Inevitable rejection. I can't compare and I won't, can't be saved by you. No more than the awakening you offered me. Resting back into restless routine. Eyes wide shut during the day time. Only living at night in my dreams.

The dappled spots of Sun disappear when I step into them
Still there but overshadowed by my own
Feelings growing on me,
like moss smothering the trees
Been here too long now.
Feet too heavy to drag forwards
I can just stay here,
right?
Exist on the boundaries until my heart beats silent
Until the yearning over runs
And I die in the temporary mute of the world
A woken state of dreaming
Water gushes through and
In the hush and rush of the current
Carries my reality by
And bye
I've gone
Just pale blue smoke left behind  
To disperse in the expanding warm air
This place breathes me into its lungs
Holds me there
Exhales
And I am done
Pooled no more in one spot
As this clear living lake
Rather I'm everywhere
And no where
All in one time
Expanded outwards past normal consequence
Outgrown beyond the edges of my own fantasy

Its back.
I must go?

Cold, pimpled skin
As I descend into the dark
Bound for a home that only exists in brick,
Solid life
With only a murmur of a pulse found
When at night I can dream again
Life for me being

Just dappled spots of Sun
Still there but overshadowed by my own

Fleeting moments of firing fantasy. Seducing this sleepy mind. Drawing images of a life lived by someone else. So real sometimes it's almost me in the picture. Why do I torture and tear myself. Encircled by jealousy, crazed by guilt. The flames rise higher and I love the burn. Take the matches. Ignite the fire. It's your turn.

Wind your web
as the spider hiding from autumn spins a home in the dark,
hidden corners of my room
comforted by the shadows that already collect there

Weave your words
as the strands that lay untied,
knot themselves together,
pulling tight the space between us
with a hope that we will become entangled

Wound your victim
as feelings fall like flies,
a long time dead and almost forgotten
caught amongst fatal kisses,
feeding your thirst,
drinking your poison

I don’t realise I’ve been holding my breath until those rare still moments
When all I hear are birds and I’m drowning in a light that makes everything pink, like a red sock dying the washing
And I let out a big exhale when I see the moon in the sky as the sun is setting
It’s all     so      beautiful
It squeezes the air out of me
And I want to just exist here in this sacred hour
Where the loneliness feels not so tight and everything feels lighter and it’s ok that it’s just me

If sorry was enough my love, I would scream it everyday
For you I would say any words if they could take the pain away
If sorry was enough my love, I would scratch it on my skin
For you the cuts run deeper then the guilt I'm drowning in
If sorry was enough my love, I would have told you from the start
But sorry will never be enough to fix your broken heart

I almost wish the life you lived under cover was not revealed. Maybe ignorance was a better choice for me. I miss living in the fantasy that brought fire to this cold heart. Come back to me with your words and lay with me in this delusion.

Hollow
A dark empty space where silent thoughts stir loud echoes. Physical vibrations shake and separate me at the seams.
Distant.
So far now from sensibility. My mind wanders beyond itself. Leaving me behind dreams borders stretched beyond imagination
Lost.
A heart left searching for the extra beat your words gave me. Sunken and sad for a friend, a love that is missing. Aching from forced goodbyes

I want you to see me in the golden hour light

I think I would look pretty as the sun goes down

Pink and gold sunset is a good shade on me

I will wear your kisses just as well

As the sun and the moon are in the same sky together

We will be together

Warm bodies in a cold breeze

I couldn't quite put my finger on it
Suspicion tarnished the tongue
Turning what was sweet into something bitter
Unease washes out at the edges, threatening to burst
Waves disturb the calm oceans that once settled
Your lies poison the water
Blue pools in your eyes turn black
False lyrics now fall on deaf ears
The door you opened has closed
Your words that once brought purpose to life
Are dead to me

I only really breathe in two places

I hold air in my lungs until I’m between trees or words

Alive only when the poetry of the world resurrects me

It's perfect isn't it, when you are just learning someone for the first time. Tracing their skin, holding hands.
Drowned in darkness the senses are peaked. Skin tingling, touch like electricity. In that moment the whole world stops. Tormenting inside voices fall mute and everything is in perfectly balanced chaos

Like the needle that drives through my heart, you glisten in the sun.
You sparkle and shine like a jewel in the light.
I see myself in the mirrored image.
A reflection so small and insignificant I am lost under your thumb.
This needle becomes encased deeper into my heart.
I cannot retract it because the thread has been lost.
Spindled into a web of unfortunate lies.
Powerful sentences that hold no authority.
If you hug me this needle causes me pain.
So why do I still yearn for your touch.
Like drugs.
I am dying from the addiction.
Being crippled by the want.

So crush me like a flower under foot.

Close me like a finished book.

End me like a summer spent.

Lose me like time that came and went.

I often wish I could go back to being star dust so I don’t have to feel the weight of this life

On this morning I walk in shades of grey
Early autumn leaves too soon to let go, have started to gather on pavements

A comfortable cold inviting in thoughts of you

A warm hand enclosed around mine

A heart sharing the flutter of change as this love opens up to a new season

And why can’t I spit poison!

I swallow enough of it!

If I don’t drain the wound the swelling will persist,
my heart will ache

The taste,
sweet and sick going down with such ease

Why can’t I take a match and watch my life burn

Incinerating the monotony that I stand in,
eager to see the ashes at my feet

I ache so much right now. Curious longing to unload the weight from your heavy heart. Take my hand. Lead me through the workings of your naked core. Let guilty flowers blossom and grow between the cracks in our reality. I hunger of words missing, lost over timed silence. Cautiously I wish to know the carousel of thoughts that spin in your curious mind. Wanting so much right now to feel the distant beat of your heart. To briefly steal what is not mine.

Stepping through into darkness
Street lights drowned out by solid silhouettes of trees
Distant stars brought closer
In awe of the dramatic beauty of the vast night sky
Feet still
Face upwards
Eyes drinking in the fullness of space
Blue light traces as shooting stars race
Vision made aware of bursts of incredible meteors
Moving through my universe
I would stay and drown for hours in the deep ocean of the stars
Glad to feel so small against something with no edge
Limitless mysterious infinity

In the place I’d grown up,
I find myself still

Surrounded by mountains,
at the bottom of a hill

The trees that grow around me,
have watched me as I’ve aged

They’ve also watched as I’ve returned,
like a captive too long caged

For a while when I came back,
I urged to run away

But the magic in these mountains,
has saved me every day

When the dark comes knocking,
and I just want to run

I run towards the forest,
into dappled spots of sun

I sit there in the hour,
named after golden light

And in that orange daydream,
the dark is out of sight

I wish that I could talk to you in your dreams
Speak to you from your pillow
Whisper so closely in your ear.
Time separates our conversation,
Words stretched out over oceans
My heart beat feels so close to you while our bodies are so far apart
When you wake,
I will wake
My fantasy can breathe again
Words will roll off this tongue
Travel time to find you  
Maybe one day we will exist in the same minute, same moment
Skin on illustrated skin
with no distance between us
My soft lips will savour the sweet taste of you
While my eyes drink in the reality of you

I want to melt into someone
                               and feel their soul give way

If I were to wake now i would wish for this dream again. If I'm not asleep I wish never to slumber. Your words cast bright shadows on my mind all day. When my selfish brain would allow my imagination to breathe. The hands on the clock stroking time away until I could know you again. If this will soon pass, a fleeting moment done. Your hearts voice could not be silenced from my memory.

Hey friend it’s been a while
Do you still want to punch me in the face?
It’s ok you can say
That you hope I fall to my death in the most spectacular way
Don’t laugh it off I know it’s true
It’s been a while but I feel it too
I feel the hate, I feel the rage
I drink the poison you wanted me to taste
So yeah you’re right I am a ****, I am a *****, and honestly it’s fair
I am the reason that you ball your fists, smash the wall and pull out your hair
But what I did was ruin myself because really I did want you near
I held your messages close
I laughed at your jokes, really
I was being sincere
I smiled at you when you couldn’t even see, I giggled and blushed and wore happiness all over me
Doesn’t matter now though, it’s all been and gone
I’m probably just another verse in a hate filled song
Just another line in a poem of pain
Just like myself you’ve gone completely insane

I grip so tight
My knuckles are white
Holding on for my relentless life
Clutching at patience that leaves me so fast
Stomach turning windmills
Starved of you
Hungry for your lyrics
My lungs strain
Pulling in breath but not enough to fill me
Drowning in the
Slow,
Ebbing  
Waves of time
I can't stop thinking about you
Scrolling through songs
Trying to drown out your silence, that fills every space
I cannot sleep
So restless I need your words
Medicine
To send me off
If I dream,
Will you meet me there?

I want someone to pull me in and figure me out.