***** inspo and thinspo
and online shopping
***** book clubs
and parties
cleaning and mopping
***** whining
and dining
lying and stalking
***** radio hosts
and all their
nonstop talking
***** everything
that ever made me sad
when i’m starving so much
that i think ive gone mad
start a fight cause i’m hungry
it’ll end when i’m not
ask- is this life worth living?
cause it’s all that i got

Burn me to the ground, and we're both going down, I'll give you the same respect you've given me and god I wish I could see it all differently, but I deserve no sympathy, what a lovely tragedy, that I leave this mess, this burning house in misery, while you sit content in your unseen demise.
You'd never know but I could never hurt you, I'll keep you safe from this rising fire in my ocean, I'll never hurt you, love, I swear to god I'll never hurt you

i don't your spare time,
i want to be your girl
(you only care when you think you're losing me)

i wanna shut everything off and just sit in my car
eyes dark, heart pounding,
how did i make it this far?
and while it looks like a long way,
it feels like nothing at all
and i’m staring off of edges
feeling slightly too tall
stumbling into
i give up and i’m sorry for even trying in the first place

It's the hope that gets you

My chipped nails dig into your hand
and I say I'm sorry
but you tell me not to apologize
you tell me I can hold your hand as hard as I need to
you tell me it doesn’t hurt to feel loved like that

i’d pick up but you never call

Do my lips look natural?
Because they're not.
Does my hair look natural?
Because it's not.
I'm a synthetic girl
I'm fake
And you could say I
#wokeuplikethis
Because I'm not awake
Until I've painted my face
And gone through the daily routine
Of using blonde hair to hide green
As if I could play off 3 colors
As a natural thing
My hair is messy (but cute)
In a natural way
And my cheeks are contoured
Because some girl had the audacity to say
They look better higher up
And I can't (just can't) go back to my old way
I paint my lips slightly thicker
Because that's just the trend
But if you could just lend
Me a hand in understanding
What natural even means?
Because I think it lost its meaning.

She looked perfect
and absolutely beautiful.
So when she began to
question herself,
the way I often do myself,
I began to wonder if maybe I was beautiful too.

sometimes i regret the endings
i chose so carefully for us,
plagued by constant what ifs,
scratching my pen at the storyboard of you and me,
trying to start another chapter to the book i loved for so long

i can only pray that
you stay missing me
and i stay missing

There is no more you to save me.

nothing lost
nothing gained
no more breaths
no one saved

i am tearing myself apart at the seams
second guessing second guesses
waiting for something else
something other than me
to justify me
and the space i fill
and fill and fill

who am i to say who i am?
what power do i have?
all i do is fall
and rip
and tear
until there’s nothing left for me to
pull and pick at

taking showers in the dark
and skipping breakfast
my ****** knuckles broke the mirror
it was them not me
not me

If he did care about you,
then you wouldn't be wondering if he did.

starving myself
into submission
the casual result
of unchecked ambition
the focusing factors
the aderall
and ritalin
try to drown me but
i hang tight
on the sight
of an unbroken vision
my actions, my words
under constant revision
revisit the sites
where i break
down decisions
had options
i lost them in
thoughtless
metacognition
and
i know i’m long gone
cause i’m stuck in remission

I didn't
have to say
"help me"
because you already
knew what to do.

there is your sister, there is your sister brilliant and shining in every way you are not, and there is your brother, blindingly talented and everything you are not, and because they are the opposite of you, you expect them to be the same, but they aren't, there's 10 billion types of people and you are the worst of them

So it happens like this
Everyone is watching, and I'm begging
Look at me! Please!
For just a second, hour, day! Please!

Don't you see the issue? I'm constantly
Effecting everyone, every day
Still, I'm not, I'm not,
That important to the whole scheme
Really I should just walk away
Unless someone really cares, I'll fade
Care not, farewell
To the long drop and deep sleep,
I wish, I want, I would, I could if
Only I could give it up, A toast! To
No one, no where, no way, and no how

Sometimes they get so caught up in hating each other they forget I even exist.

you wanted to burn,
and I want to drown,
so I guess in the end
we're both going down

if you step back
i’ll run away
won’t wait to see
if you’ll stay
quick kid- till you’re out of breath
leave before you can get left

Crazy people, lovely people
bashing atoms, creating chaos,
What a supernova- you've created a ******* supernova.
and that's why there's a black hole now.
You're organic, so why live like you're plastic?
live, darling
******* live.

She is so weird
She is so weird
She is so weird

The other girls all float around with their eyes painted like cats,
Rounded with black and flicked up at the end, but she
Swims with
her eyes painted like fish
One little flick down
One little flick up at the
End and
The other girls whisper about her
Saying

She is so weird
She is so weird
she is so weird

because
She has watercolor lips
In pretty shades of pink
Not sharp
And
Red
Like the other girls
She is not a collection of edges and shadows, she is
Soft and

She is so weird
She is so weird
She is so weird

She looks dreamy
And sometimes
Confused
The other guys whisper that
There is
Not much there
In her head
And that

she is So weird
She is so weird
She is so weird

She has three black lines embedded in the
Side of the
skin on her neck
Stacked like deep
Vs lined under
Each other and once I asked her
If they were birds in flight
Or gills
And she laughed
It wasn’t cruel
She pulled me close
And whispered both
With a smirk
And then she smiled wide
And shook her head and told me
That

I Am so weird
I am so weird
I am So weird

And though I knew it was an insult
When the cats whispered it
It wasn’t one when it came from the fish

face wasted
broken phone clutched in hand
as i climb into my best friends prius
thinking back to this morning
when my size seven jeans
slid off my empty hips
back onto the bedroom floor
same place
where the rest of my clothes lie
stripped off after last night
i melt like butter in your hands
but that’s okay
i’d rather fall to you than
anyone else, anyway

I feel like I'm holding
your hollow hands together
sometimes,
and if I let go
your bones will tumble apart
and fall all the way down,
straight to hell

i swear i'll try not to let go,
but if i do-
i'll meet you there in nineteen years

I'm sorry.

For what?

Everything.

I don't understand.

I know.

Will you explain?

No.

Why not?

I can't.
I'm sorry.

how close to you i feel
i hear your heart beat from miles away
i feel the warmth of your love
on my cold rainy days

i tell you everything.
i speak more clearly to you
than i ever have to myself

i am soft, i am plain, i am calm
you are a lifeboat
you are a lighthouse
my love, my lover, my lovely

Shaky, stuttered breaths
Like there's no oxygen left
That's what you do to me
I'm sitting in the hallway on the stairs
It's like I was never even there
The light is dim
But I don't care
I wish you were here
To clear
My blurry, sloppy tears

If I could make a wish
or get my way
I swear to stars
I’d make you stay
the moon I wouldn’t
second glance
if I just
had the chance
to hold your hand
or see the galaxies
exploding in
you eyes
I swear to stars
I tell no lies

i swear to god i'm gonna die
in one of these nameless steakhouses
to a backtrack of classical jazz
with my back straight
and my legs crossed
in a pretty dress
and stockings
my hair pulled up tight
(i have a headache- no one cares)
when i get handed a menu,
i barely look
i'm getting the cheapest salad
because that's polite, right?

it's so hard to be sad around you, i wish i could steal your light all the time

I'm invisible.
And I couldn't be happier.

hello hello hello again
you made me cry again
i said i wouldn’t spill tears over you
i said i was sick of
singing tragedy
i purged you
i burned you
i ran from you
i ran into myself
bitter
selfish
burning burning burning alive
stop being so casual
god
this is not a casual conversation
stop breaking my heart
you **** me up
lets jump off cliffs together
lets become star crossed lovers
you broke my heart
you broke me
stop it stop it stop it
i am not
strong
you were supposed to be strong
i am too weak
to carry this
god
please
drop the casualties

just “ok”
because that’s so you
making plans
with no follow through

i felt like ****
so i stopped into speedway to cash out and buy bang
and i still felt like **** so i bought $40 vitamins
and the label promised they’d solve all my problems,
but they couldn’t even fix my skin
every time i get paid? i spend it
every last ******* cent goes to retail therapy- the only therapy i cant afford but indulge in anyway
maybe i should’ve listened to my psych
maybe i shouldn’t lie at every meeting
maybe i- maybe i- maybe i
should have let them put me away
it doesn’t matter
i push it, shove it, cry it down
“It Doesn’t ******* Matter”
i chant it to myself like a prayer, a last message to god before i drag myself down to hell
on my bruised knees i sit
not talking to the lord,
just ******* ****

it was more convenient for you to go
so you left

Pop-tarts are not as good as pop-tarts

I gave everyone a part of me
until I was a ghost.

I forget how to speak when I'm around you
And even in my dreams I'm left speechless too

Bitter and angry
Are written into my skin and bones
I walk as a hurricane, an earthquake
You might love the storm,
But you'll never love the aftermath.
We are destined to fall apart.
I was meant to be alone.
Don't lie to me.
I might be a mess, but I know the truth.

He's either dead or in love, but those are basically the same thing, so don't worry about keeping up.

I wonder if you will look back and regret this.
I wonder if we will know each other in five, ten, twenty years.
I wonder if we even really knew each other last week.
I wonder what you have planned for your future.
I wonder if you have even considered forgiving me.
I wonder if i want you to.

I wonder what your answer would be, if someone were to ask why we fell apart.
I wonder what mine would be if someone were to ask me the same thing.
"We were too different," I might say.
I wonder if I can blame you for what you did, instead of blaming her.

For now, I am content.
For now, I am not torn up inside.
For now, I have what I want.
I will see you later.
But at the same time, I will not.
Because we are never going to be exactly the same people ever again.
That's just the way time works.
Right?

So I will see a version of you again, in the future, wether you want to see me again or not.
And maybe we will catch ghosts of who we are now.
Only time will tell.

I used to long for your affection
But now I'm asking myself the question
How did you ever catch my attention?
Did I want to be hurt?
Because, *******, you're a ****
And it's driving me berserk
To see
Exactly
Who I thought you wouldn't be
But the rose colored glasses are off
And I just have to scoff
Because I never realized who you were
And I really hate who you are.

And I will end the year the same way I started it.
Alone.

I watched her get her ears pierced and it hurt me more than it hurt her because it made me think of the time I got mine pierced and you were there but now you're gone and I miss you but you don't miss me.

to be in love
and have no one to say it to

I
wrote
you
a
letter
and
I
never
sent
it.
You
wouldn't
have
been
able
to
read
it
anyway,
my
handwriting
is
just
as
bad
as
you
remember.
Maybe
worse.

prying eyes think i’m dumb
but i’m not stupid
i’m just numb

gold drunk
catching your eye across the bar
someone asked me to play piano that night
i took a breath and said sure i’ll fill in
you came up to me afterwards
“i didn’t know you could play, i didn’t know you could sing”
i told you i do my best and you offered me
a glass
you pushed it in my hand
didn’t really ask
(but you never really ever asked)
part of me thought i was just so cool
you were a bright purple neon light
against my wine red and navy blue
but i promise-
i knew exactly when i’d be done with you

Hey lovely,
Let me be the JD
To your Veronica
You said you liked the fact that I'm not crazy
Ha! Good luck with that one
You're right, I'm not into miscommunication
But!
I'm still a little itty bitty bit ******
In the head
That's okay though
I love you, my lovely