Get out
Go away,
I've been working hard
For too many days.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Not with you there
Herding all my sheep.

Get out
Go away,
My head's so full
And heavy with clay.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Afraid of monsters
That are sure to creep.

Get out
Go away,
I never said
That you could stay.

Can't think
Won't sleep,
Could end it all
With just... one... leap...

I don't know why you left me
during such a hard and lonely time.
I can't understand why I won't let myself see
that you're being more than just shy.
I try to keep my head clear
and keep the thoughts of you away.
Just an empty space after "dear"
too many words are left to say.
Nights are growing darker
sleep is once again the enemy.
Your memory has become much larger
than the strength that's build inside of me.
So sing me that song just one more time
I promise I'll do my best, I won't cry.
But you've lost the words, and your sunshine
two words are all that's left to say...

Slowly pressure rises,
Intensity growing.
Water starts to dance,
Anxious and on edge.

Bubbles drift upward,
Heat building.
Steam begging to escape,
Aching and fed up.

Too much to take now,
Kettle screaming.
Rush over to lift it off,
Stove glowing hot and red.

Poured into a deep mug,
Tea steeping.
Feel it comfort from within,
Relaxed and at ease.

You were someone,
I thought I could count on.
Someone to comfort,
And ease the pain.
Now you're gone and,
I'm sick with anger.
Thinking this whole time,
I've been insane.

You were someone,
I thought I could count on.
Someone to distract,
And heal the hurt.
Now you're gone and,
I feel like giving up.
My soul ****** dry,
Like a wasted desert.

You were someone,
I thought I could count on.
Someone to protect,
And shield my heart.
Now you're gone and,
My cries for help fall silent.
Believing in God,
Is such a delicate art.

A letter...
to you.
But what would I say?

No.
Stop.
Don't touch me that way.

At least that's what I should've said.
But I just lay silently instead.

Thief.
Coward.
A magician, for they don't see.

The hurt.
The shame.
The mark you left on me.

The lights dim and a curtain's drawn,
A quiet theater as the show begins.
It's the same reel playing on repeat,
A shattered heart broken from sin.

He lies next to her as he'd always done,
Reliving his day through adventurous stories.
But something about him had changed that night,
The girl became something he had to seize.

A kiss of the lips catches her off guard,
"I'm sorry" escapes from under his breath.
Her chest so tight no response can form,
What comes next will surely be her death.

One hand on her side and he pulls her close,
Another kiss as he poisons her lips.
She can feel his excitement begin to rise,
He slide his leg up to part her hips.

Interlocked now she's trapped beneath him,
The weight crashing down on her soul.
A rhythm forms while his body presses in,
Her own feelings are now out of control.

The heat grows and a pulsing begins,
Something she had never felt before.
A feeling one should be allowed to enjoy,
Instead she feels like a ***** *****.

He leaves her lying there confused,
An evil grin creeps upon his face.
Where once before a bulge began,
A wet spot had formed to take its place.

No apologies now as he shuts the door,
Alone in her bed she begins to shake.
The man she thought she could look up to,
Had become the one to make her break.

And on this scene she now feels stuck,
Burning a hole through her mind like tape.
A scene no one will choose to believe,
Because it was never actually ****.

Just try to ignore him...

Ignore his stench,
Like sweat drenched fears?
Ignore his laugh,
Like a shrill in my ears?
Ignore his face,
Like a revolting ghoul?
Ignore his imbalance,
Like a battered mule?
Ignore his touch,
Like a rugged wrench?
Ignore his darkness,
Like an endless trench?
Ignore his power,
Like a stifling net?
Ignore the things,
I beg to forget?

You're like the zit I shouldn't squeeze.
I only want to pop your head,
And pinch your soul until it bleeds.

Crisp white sheets
fall into routine
no more "sweets"
they must wean

in the psychiatric ward

I don't understand
The way my body reacts
Or how it doesn't.

Five years old, or maybe I was six?
The first memory I have to hold on to.
Hiding in my room as screaming begins,
So vicious the poison words they spew.

I drift to sleep but not for long,
Dad swoops me into the truck.
Pitch black outside, my brother crying,
Brain still groggy; mind is amuck.

In the parking lot we sit,
But he won't let me go back to sleep.
A large truck pulls across from us,
Secrets my mother could no longer keep.

With a violent screech Dad takes off,
Truck jerking with every shift.
No words are spoke alone on the road,
Into the night I start to drift.

We wake the next day at Grandma's house,
To a car parked with strangers inside.
Mom's come to take her children back,
And away she swept us like a riptide.

That's the first time I ever met him,
I had no idea who he was.
I did not know what was to come,
That day after we left Grandma's.

When we got home he fixed the doors,
And helped Mom take out the trash.
I had no clue it was all lies,
It happened so quick; in a flash.

A relationship developed quick,
He seems to be so good with kids.
A statement that in a way is true,
Trauma burned behind my eyelids.

But as I grew older feelings changed,
His need for power became too strong.
A story I wish my mom believed,
Forever I'll wonder what I did wrong.

Alcoholic,
That's what I am.
Numb,
That's the brand.
Comfort,
That's all I want.
Memories,
That's what you haunt.
Escape,
That's what I try.
Inside,
That's where I die.

Running through a maze of halls,
Every corner turned your face appears.
Desperately trying to escape your grip,
Yet my mind seems to volunteer.

Just from reach of your fingertips,
Out of breath I circle round.
"I'm sorry" consumers the air around me,
Inevitably I am dead-end bound.

And so I find myself trapped,
Your breath searing the back of my ears.
Nails scraping these walls to get away,
This darkness consuming me for years.

Hips aching to forget your touch,
In your stench I will surely drown.
Memories make life feel worth ending,
A request for relief that's too profound.

Slowly I feel the tension creep,
Up my back to the base of my skull.
Beneath the weight of my sins,
I begin to slowly crumble.

The knot forms with a grip so strong,
My head no longer wants to turn.
Memories keep flashing so fierce,
Along my spine it starts to burn.

Pulling tight the tension increases,
A pain unbearable above my right eye.
Like the ghost that tortures me within,
Something that doesn't go away with a high.

Vision obscured by shapes and colors,
Eyes glued open with so much fear.
For if I shut them I'm petrified,
Details of your face may reappear.

How exhausting this battle has become,
When all I do is keep losing.
As I lie down and wait for it to pass,
I feel myself reducing.

All my life I've believed in you,
I thought you were the one getting me through.
Time has passed-- Oh how I grew!
I do not believe the lies they spew.

Your existence is the lie
That hurts so much I wish only to die.
Instead, I turn face to the sky,
And spark what makes sanity equal high.

There is no way you can be real,
And still cause this pain that we feel.
Unfair is the hand you deal,
And cruel how innocent lives you steal.

You do not deserve an end
Or closure to this my fairweather friend.
I can no longer pretend,
Your chapter was anything but a trend.

Can the hell around me
     get any worse?
Is the pain I feel
     merely a curse?
Do I scream inside
     only to wake up dead?
Is this reality
     or all in my head?
Are these emotions
     and feelings real?
Does anybody know
     the way I feel?
Do they see what lies
     just beyond my smile?
Is help coming or
     will I lay here a while?
Is there life
     after my death?
Will someone be there
     should I hold my breath?
Is there really
     a pearly white gate?
If I reach it
     does my aunt await?
If hell awaits me
     will I see my mom?
Should I give up now
     or keep moving on?
Is this deep enough
     would you like to know more?
See deep inside me
     where my heart is a sore.
Experience my pain
     and the hell I've gone through.
The way I lie to everyone
     including me and you.
Understand yet
     why I am a fraud?
Will there be salvation
     and forgiveness from God?
Realize how this isn't
     about suicide?
Only about pain
     and how I feel inside.
So next time you see me
     will you see my smile?
Or see beyond it
     where I walk this lonely mile?

I am yours,
Or so it seems.
I give my all,
My everything.
Every night,
You continue to take.
My silent screams,
"I'll break! I'll break!"
But still you chase,
Still you win.
And once again,
I’ll give in.
I give my all,
My everything.
Because I am yours,
Or so it seems.

I want to **** myself today.
Instead I cut.
I made it 42 days clean.
That's because I cut yesterday too.
But hey,
I'm still breathing.
Right?

If I take a stand now,
                                    what would I lose?
It's already gone...
                                    yet silent I remain.
Words trapped for so long,
                                    where to begin?
It feels as if there's nothing to gain.


If I take a stand now,
                                     who would I hurt?
Hearts still mending...
                                     yet everything is fake.
Feelings buried deep,
                                     how do I let them go?
What if I do and then never see Jake.


If I take a stand now,
                                     what would it fix?
Bits of soul missing...
                                     nowhere to be seen.
Scars keep seeping,
                                     when will this stop?
All I really want is to feel clean.

You are the tide,
And I am the shore.
Coming and going,
I crumble once more.

Tumbling and churning,
Bits of me swept afar.
Repeatedly I let you win,
Tidal crashing over my *******.

Loud and roaring,
Your waves smash.
Battering my rocks,
Leaving your trash.

The moon begins to pull,
And you leave once more.
Because you are the tide,
And I am the shore.

Alice on the left
Protecting scars from the past
On a mushroom patch
Of black lines sure to last

The Rabbit to her right
Memories of temptation before
Addictions and highs
Never touch it again she swore

Joined together they tell a story
To others, it looks pretty
But when she looks down
She sees more of a plea

Something bigger.
Something else.
Is there really?
Is there not?

We live on this floating ball in space.
Space, something indefinite.
Something unknown.
Are we alone?

Is it hard to believe
we are the only beings?
Yet harder to believe
there is a higher being.

We live alone
in our own worlds.
We feel alone.
Barren wasteland of existence.

Barren wasteland of a soul.
Body left to decay.
Just flecks of dust floating in space
for all of eternity.

Waken up again
from a nightmare of sin
can’t shake these feelings that you bring
or the evil song you sing
trying so hard to heal
but I’m wrapped up in the Devil’s deal

Sleeping so peacefully
with happy dreams I do believe
every breath is calm and pure
dreaming of happiness I’m sure
you’ve already paid your dues
now your dreams are peaceful and true

Why is visiting
with friends or family
so emotionally

       D
          R
             A
                I
                N
              I
           N
        G
      ?

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
You're standing in the hall, screaming at me.
"Attitude Girl, you're so full of lies.
Shut up now and go dry your eyes."

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
You're looking down, criticizing me.
"Sit up straight, quit licking your lips."
Your words still sting like leather whips.

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
Your glare so stern, burning holes into me.
Shaking your head slowly in disapproval.
Like no one before making me feel so shameful.

Look in the mirror, what do I see?
The same person staring back at me.
A scowl fueled by hate and anger,
For all I see is my mother's failure.

In my veins I feel fire
left alone with my desires
just a woman who’s crying out
filled with fear and so much doubt

I do not see the world as you do
it feels dark and hard to continue
for my demons follow me
I live my life in agony

I only wish for this world to end
maybe then you could comprehend
what it is I’m going through
and why I wish to discontinue

I feel the drag
along my skin.
It's another day
that I gave in.

Gave in to escape
from the memory,
of all the things
you did to me.

Things so unbearable
yet it went on for years.
Silently I suffered
crying so many tears.

Tears don't come now
as I give in.
Instead, it's crimson
rolling down my skin.

Clink, clink, clink goes the ice in the glass.
Golden whiskey trickles down their side.
Goosebumps rise and chest starts to burn.
Swallowing another memory she wished had died.

My brother is in town.
But he doesn't want to see me.

To dream of a place
Where all pain has been healed
All we know is love

Dreading going to bed
for this is the longest night
memories haunting
fears daunting
they fill me with fright

Shall I survive til morning
will my demons take me under
within their clutch
this is too much
I can hear the monster’s thunder

Close my eyes apprehensively
drifting off I fall asleep
here they come
soul undone
in my dreams I wish to weep

Lying on the bathroom floor,
blade resting on the sink.
Unsure how to get up,
I feel myself begin to shrink.

Bloodied tissues looking down
on the mess lying below.
Beaded drops continue to form,
until heavily the must flow.

Shivering against the cold,
damp towel draped over.
Naked body frozen in fear,
flashbacks still they hover.

Passed out from exhaustion
of the war raging inside.
Help comes to pick me up,
instead I wish I'd died.

I remember changing that night
into my long T-Shirt
you came in as I took my ******* off
a look giving me what I deserve

Going to sleep was hard
I knew you were in the other room
but it didn’t take very long
for you to sneak in like a snake

You climbed on top of me
the words you spoke I don’t remember
one hand on my face
you slipped inside and had your way

I felt my insides tearing
I felt you with every ******
I wished to cry and yell and scream
but keep quiet was a must

For next to us, my brother slept
so peaceful he dreamed
I surely didn’t want to wake him
Santa was coming, it’s Christmas Eve

When you decided you’re done
and my world was over
you slipped away smiling
and that’s when suicide first visited me

Numb and euphoric are not the same.
I need to quit mistaking the two.

I put you in a frame today
Pretending to feel all that I spew.
Gave you a little respect,
Because you're somebody I once knew.

They tell me it wasn't your fault
The dreadful things he did.
How your body was not your own,
And the aches you cannot rid.

Words are hard to speak
With his body forced against yours.
Next day feel like his stench
Is dripping out your pores.

So I put you in a frame today
To remind myself of what it takes.
The strength to keep going,
He'll never be the one who makes us break.

Writing and writing
trying to stay away
from the escape that
rests within my blade

Writing and writing
until my hand starts to cramp
wish to feel instead,
an ankle that is damp

Writing and writing
trying to find release.
Why isn't this working?
I just want some peace

Writing and writing
until all the ink runs out
maybe I've written myself
into a burnout

Abandoned once again
should've seen it coming
knew this would end
left with a short string.

Abandoned once again
by an authoritative figure
someone I was supposed to call
when I didn't know the answer.

Abandoned once again
by a person, I learned to trust
now I wonder if my
step work is a bust.

Abandoned once again
now I must do the work
to find another sponsor
and hope they're not a ****.

Oh how I long for a blade,
Rubber bands don't do the trick.
A sting that feels so temporary,
Uncontrolled so goes the flick.

Oh how I long for a blade,
This welt is just not enough.
Repeatedly striking against my wrist,
Skin recognizes the bluff.

Oh how I long for a blade,
Cold stream of red is not the same.
Ice shrinking from inside my thigh,
So close to the origin of shame.

Oh how I long for a blade,
Effortlessly I watch it glide.
Numb to the demons that are within,
Another day I will not die.

Filled with dread
barely out of bed
pounding in my head
it’s Christmas time

Memories haunting
pill bottles daunting
tree lights flaunting
it’s Christmas time

Brain a mess
filled with stress
hate this process
it’s Christmas time

But presents under tree
my son is happy
all that matters to me
it’s Christmas time

Aching
from memories.
Nightmares
and silent pleas.

Itching
for another slice.
Addiction
her only vise.

Hurting
from words unspoke.
Remember
every stroke.

Dying
from wounds inside.
Places
nowhere to hide.

Try hard to push through
Try to bring back the new.
But along comes guilt and shame.
But they wont stop playing their game.

Relationship seems at risk
Relationship seems so brisk.
Maybe it's all in my head
Maybe it's already dead.

Intimacy is more than ***
Intimacy's more of a reflex.
But I need to have honesty
But the one closed off is really me.

Trauma stops any progress
Trauma causing so much stress.
Maybe I can run away
Maybe this problem is to stay.

I know what's coming,
I want to run away.
Maybe a deeper disire,
Always makes me stay.

He slips in behind me
Cuddles and watches TV.
Then he touches me and moves me,
And never once with a plea.

His rythm begins,
One leg bracing me in.
Leaving his hand down my pants
Grabbing at my skin.

With fury and anger
His force comes to an abrupt hault.
Unsatisfied and unloved,
I'm left shaking, in fault.

A few days later,
We're in the same routine.
Cuddles and watching TV,
But this time, I turn away from the screen.

One leg bracing me in,
His hand still down my pants.
Grabbing at my skin,
I'm hoping for a trance.

With fury and anger,
His force comes to an abrupt hault.
Unsatisfied and unloved,
I'm left shaken, in fault.

It takes 9 months to make a baby
but in my 9 months, I've made something else
with all of the odds stacked against me
I've managed to make something of myself

I've made new friendships in place of
the ones I realize are no good for me
opened up my eyes for I was blind
but now there are many things to see

I've made strides towards healing
both my mind and my weary soul
a part of my every day now
I've taken on an entirely different roll

I've lost someone who was my everything
but still got through without a drink
it feels like just yesterday
looking back, time passes in a blink

I've dealt with stress so unimaginable
and spent time in a psychiatric ward
never once when I got out
a drink had I poured

I've been working my steps
I even pray to a Higher Power
although I'll admit that
in the beginning, I was sour

But that has changed as now
I have learned how to be willing
I never knew what feelings
these meetings could bring

Feelings of comfort and belonging
sometimes even happiness and joy
no longer do I need to use
the bottle as a decoy

To walk into a room of people
and know this is where I'm supposed to be
is the most magical feeling
it's so important to me

No bottle could ever convince me
to give that up for only a moment
of numbness and escape that doesn't last
no, the only route must be to confront

I gave up that life 9 months ago
looking back I am so glad I did
I'm healthier now than I was before
and I have a happier kid

9 months to make a baby
9 months of hard work
sobriety put into action
feels like fireworks

Sobriety.
Nobody said it would be fun.
Nobody said I couldn't run.

Run away from memories.
Dive into the bottle.
Drinking at full throttle.

Throttle pushed past her limits.
Jumping hills - watch me fly!
Faster now I'll reach the sky.

Sky dark and heavy.
Trapped away from sun.
Why have I yet to run?