I've written 4 suicide letters, each one better than the last. I'd thought I'd mastered the art of saying goodbye through a piece of page. Nothing can compare to the last one I wrote, so poetic; I knew I couldn't use my previous ones cause if I did no one would see there was at least something that came out of my depression. In and out of psychologists rooms - I swear this is exhausting, but ma wants me to get better. I laugh at her cause better is only like my father's presence; it ain't there. Suicide letter number 4 had me believing for sure I wouldn't make it out alive, there was just something about the way I had stalked all those words in the dictionary, I put some light in there hoping I'd see the same light when I'd finally come to rest. But I couldn't, if I could I would; overdosing, drowning, popping a vein, all that and I couldn't do it. There's something in the way nurses look at me that make me despise hospitals, I hate the sympathy on their faces and mostly I hate them for having that motherly affection. Ain't nothing worse than doctors telling you to rest when the only rest you need would've been death. You see what I feel is a type of tired that sleep can't fix, or maybe sleep 6ft under would fix it, I don't know honestly.
1) Tell your family you love them. For the way, they care to the way they share. For being there since you were born. For taking care of you when you were sick, and for showing up at things for you participated in. Thank them, hug them, love them and say you're sorry.
2) Tell your friends you love them. For the way they walk and the way they talk. For being there in the darkest of times. For understanding how you felt without speaking. For knowing when you needed them and when you didn’t. Thank them, hug them, love them and say they will be ok.
3) Tell the world you love it. For the joy, it brings to you and others. For the way, you can know so much about it yet so little. For the tears it brought and the smiles it sent. For sending so many people that have helped and made your life better. Thank it, feel it, love it and say thank you for trying.
4) Tell yourself you love you. For the way you care so much about everyone, you forget about yourself. For how you don’t give up and how you face the challenge. For trying so hard even though you knew you were going to lose. For letting yourself trust in those who cared about you. Thank yourself, look at yourself, love yourself if only for one last time.
5) Write this all down. Immortalize the words you gave to those you loved and for those who tried. Remind them it is not their fault. Make sure they know how much you care even when you are not there. Write to your family, friends and the world that you are sorry, but things will be fine. Thank them for trying and say your final goodbye.
6) Place it on your bedside table. Fold it up and put it plain sight. These are your final words to those you love and to those who love you. Make sure they will be able to read them when you are gone. Make sure that this is what you want to do.
7) Grab the small orange bottle. The one that you stare at as it sits in the medicine cabinet. The one that teases you to grab it until you finally do. The bottle of painkillers you keep an no one knows about. The one you have thought to be the solution to all your problems on the darkest of days. The one that will be your solution today.
8) Sit on your bed. Get comfortable and think back. Make sure you have told everyone what you needed. Think back on the happy and sad memories. Feel everything once more before you do something you can't come back from.
9) Open the bottle. Let the pills fall into your hand. Stair at them in silence going over every outcome that could happen after the fact. This is your final chance to back out. Have no doubt this is what you want. And have no doubt you have nothing left to say.
10) Swallow them all down. Lay your head down and close your eyes. Think about the happiest moments one last time. But, let the sad moments consume you and turn your whole world black.
I don't know why you left me
during such a hard and lonely time.
I can't understand why I won't let myself see
that you're being more than just shy.
I try to keep my head clear
and keep the thoughts of you away.
Just an empty space after "dear"
too many words are left to say.
Nights are growing darker
sleep is once again the enemy.
Your memory has become much larger
than the strength that's build inside of me.
So sing me that song just one more time
I promise I'll do my best, I won't cry.
But you've lost the words, and your sunshine
two words are all that's left to say...
Allison Wonder © 2009
Throwback form senior year of high school
My first suicide note
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