You feel so ignorant
When you share and express
Everything that haunts you
And what makes you a mess.

Yet nobody listens
Nobody seems to care
Unwilling to lend help
Or even say a prayer.

But once it's their turn
To cry on your shoulder
Your existence is essential
Forcing you to grow colder.

Don't take time for yourself
Accusations you've gone ghost
Even if being alone is
What you really need most.

I used to wake up each day
and head straight for the bottle
now I hit my knees and say
thank you for keeping me able

No more blackouts and
no more drunken fights
instead, I get to remember
each and every night

Thank you for my willingness
Thank you for setting me free
Thank you for giving me purpose
Thank you for my sobriety

Crimson rolling down her leg
another day she tried to escape
but the demons, they just beg
must go deeper to run from ****

I need love
I need belief
I need trust
I need compassion
I need comfort
I need healing
I need empathy
I need support
I need exsistence
I need kindness
I need patience
I need relief
I need protection
I need family
I need peace
I need forgiveness

I judge you for keeping these things from me,
Yet I can't find it in myself to give them to you.

It takes 9 months to make a baby
but in my 9 months, I've made something else
with all of the odds stacked against me
I've managed to make something of myself

I've made new friendships in place of
the ones I realize are no good for me
opened up my eyes for I was blind
but now there are many things to see

I've made strides towards healing
both my mind and my weary soul
a part of my every day now
I've taken on an entirely different roll

I've lost someone who was my everything
but still got through without a drink
it feels like just yesterday
looking back, time passes in a blink

I've dealt with stress so unimaginable
and spent time in a psychiatric ward
never once when I got out
a drink had I poured

I've been working my steps
I even pray to a Higher Power
although I'll admit that
in the beginning, I was sour

But that has changed as now
I have learned how to be willing
I never knew what feelings
these meetings could bring

Feelings of comfort and belonging
sometimes even happiness and joy
no longer do I need to use
the bottle as a decoy

To walk into a room of people
and know this is where I'm supposed to be
is the most magical feeling
it's so important to me

No bottle could ever convince me
to give that up for only a moment
of numbness and escape that doesn't last
no, the only route must be to confront

I gave up that life 9 months ago
looking back I am so glad I did
I'm healthier now than I was before
and I have a happier kid

9 months to make a baby
9 months of hard work
sobriety put into action
feels like fireworks

Touch me
Burn me
Hurt me
Break me
Ache me
Caress me
Kiss me
Cuddle me
Feel me
Hit me
Rub me
Taste me
***** me
...**** me

I sat there with drink in hand
wondering what I was doing with my life
how could I expect things to change
or to ever make this woman my wife?

Next day I walked into a room
full of people I did not know
but as soon as they told their stories
it was as if I started to glow

"Keep coming back," they said
and so that's exactly what I did
they help me one day at a time
as this addiction, I try to rid

9 months I've gone now
without having poured a drink
all the things they've taught me
it really makes you stop and think

So trust in this new beginning
and the direction I'm heading in
for in these rooms I've found myself
and developed brand new kin

I'm tired of lies.
I'm so **** confused.
Are you real or
am I being used?

Hope shouted out
with joy from the shrine.
Believe in Him,
leave fear behind.

Entrust your faith
and you shall recieve,
everything we've taught
our flock to believe.

Except for those
who go above and beyond.
Rather, in pain
their lives shall be donned.

Erase me
like a mistake on your page.
Burn me off
like a potent stick of sage.
Repulsion that’s what you think of
when you think of me.
I’m a disaster
must destroy me you see.

The beast caused insanity
of course this wasn’t anything new to me
we’d been friends for eternity
living life uncomfortably

I asked him once to let me be
he laughed and just smiled at me
from that moment I knew I’d never be free
and that’s when it started; insanity

I look at you
and I feel his touch
sliding up my leg

You build-up to the ceiling
repulsing me with your branches
tangling as you grow stronger

Your bulbs are hot
burning me if I touch
scorching my hands

Your tensil wraps around you
ready to jump at its prey
and strangle it to its death

Your ornaments dangle
ready to fall and break
fragile like my heart

Your angel sitting on top
is a facade of dreams
laughing at me as I have none

I look at you
and I feel his touch
his evilness indeed

Don't even think about getting to me
my walls are up
Don't even think about saying hi
can't hear gossip
I did, what I had to do, you know the reason
and it was you

Don't even think about crying to me
I won't listen, won't listen
Oh I got scars all over my arms
one for each day, you tore me apart
I did, what I had to do, you know the reason
and it was you

Footsteps down the hall, it was you, you
Heaviness in my chest, it was you, it was you

I did, what I had to do, you know the reason
Yeah you know all the reasons oh
And if there's something you'd like to prove
then just let me continue to blame you

Footsteps down the hall, it was you, you
Heaviness in my chest, it was you, you...

Surrounded by people
yet nobody cares.
Voices thundering
but no one's there.

Do this, do that,
conform to our views.
Bow down, submit,
it's ok to be used.

Drink your liquor
try to run from the pain
Make it worse
and drown in the rain.

Ignite your bud,
mind light and floating.
Indulge in sweets,
ignore the bloating.

Slice your skin,
unveil the mask.
Enjoy relief
which never lasts.

Another day stuck in my head
just wishing that I were dead
probably going straight to hell
but it’s all just as well

People think I am living paranoid
but they just don’t know this void
bipolar lows have got me down
dark thoughts I’m sure to drown

Feel like **** on the daily
about to give in to this
feel like **** on the daily
don’t be afraid of my slit wrists

Demons telling me ***** things
trying to ruin all my dreams
turning me into a cold blooded figure
my PTSD the beasts trigger

Can’t handle this anymore
walking through self harm’s door
will it lead to suicide?
Only one way to find out and try

Feel like **** on the daily
about to give in to this
feel like **** on the daily
don’t be afraid of my slit wrists

I sat watching the tree
with his hand on my knee
remembering the night before
and how he made me a ***** *****

I was too young to know
that I’d given him a show
so, Christmas Eve, he stole
every ounce of my soul

He thought it was okay
for every year he tried to play
with my emotions again
performing the gravest sin

My cousin made me hate
Christmas and all it creates
it’s like milk gone sour
when he left me in my darkest hour

Light bounces off the cold metal,
A ****** blade begging for skin.
Pant leg pulled up above her ankle,
Looking for an escape from sin.

Crimson forming behind the glide,
Not too deep she's in control.
The knot within comes untied,
She watches as the feelings roll.

She keeps fighting this battle,
One she feels she may not win.
But her blade in turn is evil,
Instead it will let him in.

The rush wears off she runs to hide,
Into the comfort of her hole.
She knows she'd have rather died,
Than live with this broken soul.

Shield your eyes, don't look my way.
Keep your words hushed, pretend it's okay.
Speak about, who you think I am.
The life I live, and the world I'm in.
Once my back's turned, point and talk.
You think you know me, and how I walk.
Place your labels, upon my scars.
Act like you know, what the reasons are.
Use choice words, and shift the blame.
And then shelter yourself, from feelings of shame.
Live your life, with me as your joke.
Never regret, the words you spoke.
The day will come, and this too shall pass.
Just like your ignorance, and being an ***.
But it seems, the days pass too slow.
And the nights come, with little hours to go.
The nightmare begins, as the sun rises.
A never ending hell, full of surprises.
I only wish, the end was near.
Hello happiness, and goodbye fear.
But the lesson in life, is that it goes on.
Filled with pain, just like our favorite song.
So we keep moving on, through mountains of snow.
With so much before us, and little hours to go.

I was supposed to be my brothers keeper,
I raised and watched him grow.
But what I did was hurt him,
Now he's someone I don't even know.

And he doesn't know me either,
It's been so many years since we spoke.
Would he recognize me in the street,
All these tears I'm sure to choke.

I wish I could just take his hand,
Try to explain the insanity.
But my dear brother is gone,
The monster took him away from me.

These scars are what make me
they show the times that almost break me
but I’ve got through each one of them
even times that were looking grim

The times that I tried suicide
and really wished I had died
I took the blade to my skin
not letting those monsters win

It sounds funny to most others
in these scars I’m covered
but it kept me alive
I see them and think “**** I thrived”

And now I don’t need my blade
it’s another choice that I’ve made
getting by with my pad and quill
who knew I had so much self will

Wake up
it's 6:00 AM
yet another night
you've ***** me again

Hips are aching
mind in a fog
all I can think about
is the way you got off

Using me for pleasure
that's all you've ever done
so tired of these nights
and the battles you've won

Want to end it all
and be free from your grip
this has been exhausting
and such a grueling trip

Don't want to be your toy
or used for such sick things
want to rest easy instead
of fearing what sleep brings

Lay down
it's 10:00 PM
afraid to sleep
here we go again

Nightmares and terrors
you're knocking on my door
"Hello again
my ***** little *****."

Or race around the maze
I never can escape
if you catch me
my body you'll undrape

Somebody wake me
someone set me free
I'm so tired of fighting
my night time enemy

Marks on skin
letting him win
trying to escape
deaths is her fate

Marks on skin
watch the Devil grin
want to feel better
words in a letter

Marks on skin
patience wearing thin
running out of hope
trying hard to cope

Marks on skin
where has love been
giving up now
breaking every vow

Can’t stand the way I feel inside
emotions running untamed and wild
My head keeps spinning as my mind races
like a troubled and unruly child

Wish to sit for only a minute
and be at one with myself
But I don’t even know who I am
no longer the picture on a shelf

Brain in a fog and mind a wreck
these feelings now out of control
Body going haywire from the mess
just waiting for sanity to unfold

Beautiful how you're glistening
Beautiful my mahogany
I love the way you sound to me
I love the way you make me free

Smooth on top I start to groove
Smooth on top your maple wood
Sounds that always make me move
Sounds just like my childhood

Smells like amps and old gear
Smell the old speakers where I am near
Tastes like *** and cheap old beer
Tastes like celebrating on New Year

Ode to you my lovely guitar
Ode to you from near, never afar
I love you when you barre
I love you even if you scar

It’s hard when I’m lonely
that’s when my demons come out
they tell me dark stories
and fill me with doubt

I can’t fight them alone
I need help to win
so instead I mark myself
and my demons call it sin

But it helps me stay alive
because the beasts want me dead
they want my cold body
they want my crazy head

But I refuse to give them either
I need to live this life
so I’ll keep battling
no matter the strife

One foot in as she tests the waters,
Scorching hot, enough to revel in.
Tub over-flows as her body sinks,
Like her heart filled with so much sin.

Flames make shadows dance on walls,
Anxious they jitter from beneath the seam.
Chest tightens under the weight of 100 bricks,
As the air continues to thicken with steam.

Tile floor stained with a crimson splash,
So sure this way she would never die.
But the need to escape was far too deep,
Mind at ease because she knows she tried.

Addiction or coping
what have we become?
As I sit with blade in hand
hoping to go numb.

It seems to take more
than what it used to be,
deeper go the slices
crimson rolling over me.

All I see is red
with tear-soaked cheeks
droplets form to rivers
which used to be creeks.

No way to stop now
is this addiction or coping?
One day I'll put down the blade
or so I keep hoping.

All my demons are liars
placing fear into me
they tell me this is forever
and never shall I be free

There’s anxiety banging at my door
giving me lots of worries
he has a monstrous grip and
with one hand my fun he does seize

Depression slips right in
like a serpent on the loose
always telling me life should end
and to stick my head in a noose

Bipolar jumps around the room
making each wave greater than the last
Hypo-mania is her companion
with long nights thinking of the past

PTSD sits in the corner and waits
for the opportune moment
just when you think you’re safe
he pulls his gruesome stunt

Addiction’s constant nagging
to let her com on in
will have me in a bottle
or a blade dragging across my skin

Yes all my demons are liars
they’re constantly in my head
dealing with them every day
fills me with never ending dread

Terrible the amount of anger spewed;
unrealized and uncontrolled.
Where honesty is meant to come off her tongue,
resentment instead is rolled.

Fighting to get through the pain,
trying to let people in.
But with lack of sauce to keep her sane,
irritability is sure to win.

Coming off as someone she's not
... what it takes to change,
I'm so ******* terrified because
to me that person is strange.

Traveling down the rabbit hole
I never knew this would happen
I’ve been fighting so **** hard
to avoid this canyon

Arrive in wonderland
I can hardly stand
wobbly on the front
and I feel I am on the hunt

For a little white rabbit
to help me escape it
the world I’ve fallen in
heading straight for sin

Edibles and my head gets bigger
drink potion to become a normal figure
feel trippy like the Cheshire cat
or mad as hell like the guy in the hat

None of this will stop
my thoughts are over the top
red heart queen screams
giving up on my dreams

Offer up my head
inside it wants me dead
suicide, going to hell
doesn’t matter, just as well

I never gave you any space
Uninvited you've settled in.
Droning on, your nagging voice,
Taking over like a kingpin.

It's crowded up there, where you stay.
Thoughts of bills and pets, and raising my son.
But you bring more and squeeze them in,
Self-harm, starvation, and coming undone.

So overpowering you've become,
Even though I've lived with you for years.
I feel myself caving in more than not,
And walking hand in hand with who holds my fears.

Skipping meals and using blades,
Day dreaming of a world without me.
Maybe I'm keeping you here,
That just couldn't be...

Sorrow is always there
like a friendship unwanted
churning in my heart
every beat felt broken

I can feel it’s icy hand
gripping around my chest
making it harder to breathe
will this be my last breath?

It feels good
to have your name called
to have a poem read

and they already know who you are

God is dead
never was
crazy head

If there’s a hell
I’ll be there
it’s just as well

Eyes sewed shut
afraid to see
stuck in a rut

Dreamed it up
called Christianity
waiting to erupt

Keep the flock in line
listen to lies
not in my rhyme

Demand devotion in his name
drowning in hypocrisy
all the suffering and pain

God is dead
never was
crazy head

If there’s a hell
I’ll be there
it’s just as well

Blade on the sink
Razor through the speakers
swore she was done this time
but this makes her feel better

Pant leg rolled up
socks taken off
cold metal touches skin
it’s time for liftoff

One drag across her ankle
four more to even the score
this type of pain
it hits her at the core

A deep breath as beads form
they gather then roll off
the release she gets from these cuts
certainly will payoff

The song comes to an end
and the bleeding stops
this was so much better
than wasting salty teardrops

Waiting for a call
I know will never happen
You're gone once more, it
Leaves me feeling like I'm ashen

Blame passed around
So much anger attached
I stopped the contact so
Why do I feel attacked?

Loneliness and sorrow
In the pit of my stomach
The hurt I must've done to you,
Leaves me feeling like a schmuck

If I could reach out to you
I'm not sure what I'd say
The best I can do for us
Is continue to turn away

I think my grandma is dying

Shades over my eyes
make the creepers look back at themselves
feelings from inside
really want to take the blade off the shelf

Lost in the mood
envisioning ruby gems from my arm
fresh and new
I know I could do so much harm

I am a maniac
poor black spray paint on my windows
if I’ll stop
this blade’s power, no one knows

Raging now
on my way to heaven or hell?
When will the fantasy end?
It’s all just as well

Trapped in my mind.

With these thoughts,
these memories,
these feelings.
Writing used to be
my escape,
my release,
my purpose

Now I don't even
know how to...

This makes no sense,
but it's on paper.
So maybe,
it's some sort
of escape,
release,
purpose.

From these
thoughts,
memories,
feelings.

I've ached for you for many years
As if you were a long lost friend.
Waiting for your miracle work
And all these wounds to start to mend.

Praying every night for you
Since I was just a kid.
All I needed was a little bit
But it seems vigor I was forbid.

So white knuckle through life I go
And stop praying to an unjust king.
Buried deep the pain inside
Is courage even a real thing?

Yet still, I grow and move along.
Is this real or all for show?
Without you by my side
I suppose we shall never know.

Kick at the door
I let you in
Drug to the couch
Another time you’ll win

Pants ripped off
Your skin against mine
Slide in so roughly
Another rhythm from behind

Tearing me apart
Hips ache and mind a mess
I wish you to stop
But on you press

Then the alarm goes off
Suddenly I awake
Try to tell my mind
This time it was fake

Christmas can be a terrible mess
for those of us with daunting memories
yet we have kids of our own
that we have to please

We stuff our feelings down
ignoring the nightmares had
checking things off their list
hoping they will be glad

Come Christmas morning
our mind is in an awful fog
a haze we won’t let our children see
that lasts all day long

Memories of anger or hate
sometimes even children ***
we sit and remember hell
wondering what will happen next

If you’re anything like me
and those memories are you
I hope you can take this Christmas
and build your memories new

I wish nights didn't bring
me so much terror.
Waking in a fit of rage
and anguish from the beast
that continues chasing me.
It's as if he can see my thoughts
and brings them into my dreams.

I wake up sweating
and out of breath from being chased.
I'm so sick and tired
of the agony, I feel
within this maze.
It's as if no one can set me free
from what's created in my own mind.

I wish only to be free
from the grasp of this demon.
He catches me almost every time
maybe that's why I'm filled with anxiety.
It's as if my days are an extension of
the terror I've lived in my nights.

I wake again in the middle of the night,
the monster's had his way.
Waking, feeling all alone
because that's his greatest strength.
It's as if he takes all you have
and rips it right from you.

I wish I had control of the behemoth
maybe then you wouldn't feel it too,
feel his wrath of power
reigning throughout the night.
It's as if he controls the dark
and sometimes even the light.

What’s the point of writing this
nobody seems to care
I could spike my soul right now
but nobody would be there

My work is short and childish
there is no depth you’d say
but you can’t see the tears
that have dried on this page

I only wish to heal these wounds
and know someone can relate
I’m so tired of being full
of sadness, anxiety and hate

So if you happen across my words
and you’re also feeing blue
just know you’re not alone
I feel the darkness too