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Jean Aug 2018
In a room full of twelve
It felt like eleven
Lonely isn’t the word
I would use to describe it
People were there
But I couldn’t bring myself to use them
People were there
But I couldn’t let my walls away from me
People were there
But I couldn’t let myself lean on them

That’s why I can’t ever go back to that island
I cannot be alone again
Something that happened years ago, yet I can’t ever forget.
Jean Aug 2018
I doubt I will ever make it on that stage.
I have too many fears
As my own worst bane
I’ve made it this far
I won’t let my efforts end in vain
Look what I have to gain
Even if it ends in pain

I won’t hold myself back
No I won’t hold myself back
this was written for a character weeks ago.
Jean Oct 2018
I want to write something.
I want to feel the words dripping from my fingers
like they are a faucet of poetry.
I want to feel all the similes and metaphors
run through my veins.
I want to write something.
Composed 10.23.18
Jean Oct 2018
Anxiety.
It drops down the back of my neck
like water,
but not water.
It’s like water from the river Lethe.
It makes me forget
what I know to be true.
It makes me forget
the truths that I should know,
the truths that you tell me,
and the truths that are undeniable, still-

I am forced to drink
from the River Lethe.
Composed 10.24.18
Jean Jun 2018
There is no space for you in this regime
I had thought once and for all that I might truly be queen
but now I am forced to share my throne with a beast

now only the silence meets my screams
it sits me down for a meal that I must eat
my throne at the end of the table no longer my seat

the hand of night seldom brings
the rest and beauty of the now lost dream
my mind is only sieged in sleep

nothing I say will bring me peace
saving, no longer, can be decreed
not as long as you can speak

and as I weep
for your feet are those of a thief
yet you are not the one to flee
you have made your story one to believe

no, no, you are not welcome in this regime
there is only one crown and only one queen
Jean Jul 2018
My heart is on fire
My eyes admire
They called it dire
And I must admit, this plan has backfired

For my body has tired
And I am forced retire
To the fact that I cannot be a liar

For I am sick
Love sick for you
Jean Aug 2018
Have you ever felt like you were only accidental paint strokes on a canvas?
Just an some indesirable smudge in the corner of some work that would be great if it didn't have the blemish.
Didn’t have the Mistake.
Or a broken masterpiece disaster of a painting, that sits in the back corner of a dusty old museum storage room.
this was written for a character weeks ago.


I need to sleep
Jean Aug 2018
Like the calm before the storm
Like the calm before your sleep
Until the nightmares come
like the waves on a stormful sea
They pull you in without consent
Hooking you with razor-like fingers
You are forced to fully submerge
as the waves pummel you over and over
Just before You are about to drown
You are spit out

after the waves have left your bones bruised
after the waves have left your and skin scarred
a second of relief and a moment of breath
then the waves come again and again without the mercy to let you take a single breath.

Of course
You fight
Like a fish struggling for water
The waves become harder and harder still
Relentless in their beating of you
Their destroying of your Heart
So that you can no longer call it yours
But it’s still beating

Sometimes you begin to think
Maybe if you drown
Maybe you'll wake up
You can't call out for help
your lungs are full of water
Kicking and thrashing only does so much
You can't win because the waves are so much stronger
You can’t see a way out
The sky is devoid of light or signs of life
There is no lifeguard on the shore to see
There is no innocent bystander to call for
There is nothing
There is a void of empty where there should be something
Should be something
Other than the waves and you
And your heart that is no longer yours
But is still beating

All You can do is watch as you drown
From a first person perspective
Watch your body be shattered and ripped to pieces
Underneath each and every wave

But through it all
The only thing you are sure of:
You are drowning miles away from an ocean
But your tears do taste like the spray
Composed over a year ago.
Jean May 2018
a boy made of moonlight
a girl sinking in sun
the cosmos their hometown
the stars are their ghosts
running from what they have known

but when they meet
all the stars disappeared
only them in the cosmos
and nothing but themselves to fear
Jean Aug 2018
Maybe this is my story?

This is where I chose if I live or die
if I do what is wrong or right

but even in my death
I will raise my voice

my time is almost up

so hopefully

hopefully my shout will echo
echo into the masses of people

hopefully

hopefully my shout will echo
echo into the canyons of those who crouch in cowardice

hopefully
hopefully my shout will echo
echo into the spaces of the silent still too scared to speak

Hopefully

hopefully my cry of defiance
will echo farther than ever before

hopefully

hopefully people will not only hear my shout
but that their hearts will listen also

and hopefully

hopefully
hopefully a few will stand up
Inspired by Hans and Sophie Scholl.

This is not the full poem either, but this is one of my favorite parts.
Jean Jan 2019
New Years
New You

New Fears
New Blue

We all wish to be painted in new colors
But we don’t always get to choose
Composed 1.1.19
Jean May 2018
Nights like these
When my stomach hurts like that
And the light seems to bend around the room in funny ways
And I can’t every seem to fall asleep
Nights like these
When nothing is ever right
Jean May 2018
I’m scared to turn off the lights
For with no light
Then comes the darkness
For with only darkness
Then comes the nightmares
I’m scared to turn off the lights
Jean May 2018
Night like these
The lights turn off
And it feels like someone’s hand clenches my stomach
Twisting and twisting and twisting it into a perfect knot
And I can’t untie it
Nights like these
Jean May 2018
Nights like these
I even tried to take a shower
The water seems to calm me when it comes down in it’s torrents
like the rain
yet that hasn’t worked out the monster that my body tired
my stomach knotted
and my mind racing in unease
Nights like these
Jean May 2018
nights like these
and i think I am okay
for once i hear Your word
my stomach unties
not knots
my mind slows
not races
my body rests
not tires
and i know i am okay
for i can feel Your hand of peace holding me
and i know You will never let me go
Jean Sep 2018
Something has began to chill
As if we were holding still.
Waiting, as we watched who would fall
And pray they weren’t among us all.
Composed 9.2.18.

I couldn’t thing of a name, so I gave it a number.
Jean Mar 2019
If I could fade into music
I’d fade into
the sound
of you
Composed 3.1.19
Jean May 2019
I love you,
but I don’t want to.
Although your beauty is beyond compare
there is a pain
as sharp as a knife
in knowing that what I desire
is not something I can ever hold,
that what I want
is that which you despise.
So I am already
over you.
Composed 5.18.19
Jean Jan 2019
I open my mouth
wrestling the words off my tongue
like they are passengers
that refuse to walk their plank.
and when I finally think I’ve pushed
them
off
into the storming sea should they go—
dissolved by the darkness of the waves
and the crescendo of the foam.
but nothing dares stumble out in the land between my lips,
instead the passengers find themselves
to the vacuum of hopelessness
that awaits it.
Composed 1.9.19
Jean May 2018
I remember the photos we look at when someone has died
A mix of smiles and laughter and tears and memories
Flood back to me
A mix of smiles and laughter and tears and memories
That never belonged to me
Yet still
I have them
Jean Jan 2019
You were the first person
to hold
the pieces of me
that I couldn’t give up
Composed 1.1.19
Jean Feb 2022
bored out of my mind
i already get this
please get me out of here
i want to talk to you
2.24.22
Jean Mar 2019
Why am I sad?
I don’t know.
I never do.
Composed 3.13.19
Jean Oct 2018
Relapse.
Is that what this is?
I’m drowning instead of breathing again.

Relapse.
Is that what this is?
Because I’m feeling more awake than alive.

Relapse.
Is that what this is?
Because I no longer have feeling inside.
Composed 10.28.18
Jean May 2018
if your search for grace
has lead you to be defaced
just run to His embrace

if you only find cold
amongst the brave and the bold
there is warmth in His hold

if your fear takes control
your peace and comfort stole
turn to Him to calm your soul

if you do not wish to roam
and you are looking to atone
in His arms you’ll find your home

if you have no breathing space
or there is something you can’t face
as long as you run to His embrace

if all you feel is brokenness
and you’re filled with loneliness
He will hold you with holiness
Jean Aug 2018
the shadows of the morning
grow long and wide

they are the last bits of darkness in our world
as the night turns to dawn

the shadows
they tell me

“this is what hope is”

and I ask back
curious to know

“how do you know hope?”

I was confused
how could a shadow know anything of hope

the shadow responded
all so suddenly

“after the long night
there will always be dawn”

and with that
the shadows disappeared into the light
One of the first poems I ever composed. Two years ago.
Jean Nov 2018
And she is spiraling
faster and faster
and the longer it lasts
the more she knows she’s falling down
and the less she can do to stop it-
-the less I can do to stop it.
Composed 11.2.18
Jean May 2019
You always smile
like you’re going to cry
like your heart is one step from breaking
and your patience is wearing thin
Composed 5.15.19
Jean May 2018
Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf - they play
Sokoro - no claws; Nuru's not tall
and everyone can only seem to discuss their flaws
Together they escape; together they replace
the memories which they wish they could erase

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf - they play
'Sokoro! Do not play with a giraffe! You are a lion!' a mother growls
'Nuru! Do not play with a lion! You are a giraffe!" a mother scowls
The two playmates dragged from each other
The two playmates wishing to fight their own mother
but Nuru's mother is too strong and Nuru is not tall
but Sokoro's mother is strong and Sokoro has no claws

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf- they once used to be
Sokoro and Nuru: for how they have grown!
They have started to repeat what they have been shown
Sokoro with claws and Nuru with height
where they once used to play now they fight

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf- they once used to be
Sokoro prowls and hides in the grasses
the lion waits for what does stand as is
Nuru- now tall- eats the leaves from the marula trees
nothing yet spotted to put it out of ease

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, the cub and the calf- they once used to be
Sokoro and Nuru, now predator and prey
under the marula trees, where they once used to play
they were once told: 'This is how it is meant to be'
and now neither of them will ever be free

Sokoro and Nuru: the unwanted twins
under the marula trees, where no one will ever win
This poem was inspired by the Kenyan wood carvings of a giraffe and lion that sit on my desk. I named the giraffe Nuru, which means 'light' in Swahili, and the lion Sokoro, a Kenyan name that means 'the lucky one'.
Jean Aug 2018
Someone once caught me dreaming
With no where to hide
And they asked me what feeling
I was feeling inside
So I told them I was sleeping
For no one could bide
Composed 8.25.18
Jean Jun 2018
Something is wrong
Something feels wrong inside me
Like the jigsaw puzzle of my heart has lost a piece
And it is somewhere hidden deep inside of me
Yet I can’t find it

My heart beats way too fast
And I am not sure how long my facade will last
But I do know it will not outlast
This something wrong

I can’t shake it
The something wrong
Jean Feb 2019
I will not leave for the song of the silence.
I refuse to accept it’s invitation to it’s welcome embrace,
in which I would suffocate.

I will not leave for the song of the silence.
I will not join in its catastrophic symphony of darkness
no matter how tempting the sound.

I will not leave for the song of the silence.
I dare not risk meeting the mute of that gently wrapped bed,
no matter how much I need the sleep.

I will not leave for the song of the silence.
Not if it means leaving you.
Composed 2.20.19
Jean Aug 2018
I want to hold you like a breath,
Even if it leads to my death.
And I swear that the only place for me
is right beside you.

I’m right behind you.
I’m not a million miles away.
You’re my reason to stay.

Love’s a dangerous game
Some days you have to play
I can’t push my heart away
I can’t keep my love at bay
I want to do more than surviving another day

And I’m soaring
too close to the sun.
A heat wave
That left me undone.
Love was worth it
In the long run
Even if the day is done

The stars are in my eyes
Now that the sun has set
I’ve found my own constellations
I’m not finished yet
Written as a song by someone who doesn’t know to write music.
Also written for a character weeks ago.
Jean Oct 2018
I felt my life
It flashed before my eyes
I felt it slip away
Like it was a tangible thing
Something that sprints and runs and flees

But it’s okay
But it’s okay now
Composed 10.6.18
Jean Aug 2018
I’m pacing back and forth in the bathroom
And I have a headache
And I’m not sure if I can breathe anymore anyways
And that’s it
That’s it
Jean May 2018
that song that we sung
that's not how it went
you sing the wrong notes
go high when you are meant to go low
sing at the wrong pace
and say all the wrong words
but you say that's how it's sung
just as another song has taken it’s place
and I am still in disbelief
that you could have forgot
that song that we sung
Jean Aug 2018
i think
you bring out
the colors in me
the yellows and the oranges
all the blues and the greens
they just come out
when once you’re seen

you almost break down the walls
i’ve fortified

you remind me i should be careful around
all the people like you

because i feel all my colors flood out
once i start thinking of you

i get butterflies at your name
i know you don’t feel the same

but I can’t help but falling in love
with you

i think
you bring out
the colors in me
the yellows and the oranges
all the blues and the greens
they just come out
when once you’re seen
Jean Mar 2019
Lord please meet me here
at the foot of your cross.

I will bow down
right before you,
sing my praise
to your name.
For uou have done
such great things for us.
You have called
your heaven down
to the broken world below you.
O! You cleanse
me to the shade
of your innocence.
For you heal the world
after we broke it.

Lord please meet me here
at the foot of your cross.
Composed 3.21.19
Jean May 2018
a door has been opened
in the hallway of the everlasting night
and magic flooded through

with it came the shooting stars
the full moon
the solar system
the falling meteors
each and every constellation
and all that makes sitting in the night
worth the dark
Jean Oct 2018
“I’m not the girl I used to be,”
said the observant she.

“I was a once perfect white
and now my skin has bore my fight.”

But what she had realized not
Was what the Painter thought.

For what she saw to be an ending
was what He saw to be the beginning.
Composed on 10.17.18.
Jean Oct 2018
Today I met God at a crossroads

At first I stood there alone
My feet were bare
My heart my own

I looked at both paths
That lay before me
Both straight- both flat

I turned to my guide
And tried to ask
“Which should I decide?”

Yet before I could speak
Or make a sound
He knew what I should have seeked

“For these two paths are not yours
For they end the same,
They have no lure,
But there is a better one.”

Then I saw a brand new path
With shards of pain and shattered glass.
He showed me a rocky footpath.

“This one is yours.” He said.
“You will find Heaven at the end.”
I felt my heart fill with dread.

“But my feet will burn
From all the cuts.
How am I to walk this one?”

“You must walk with me.”
He said.
With my question answered, he let me be.

At first I thought I was alone
But then I found my heart resewn
It was no longer my own

Then down I looked
To my feet
And I found them covered

Today,
God gave me shoes.
Composed 10.3.18
Jean Feb 2019
I hate that you care.
I hate that you do,
because I’m not getting better
anytime soon.
That’s not something I can do.

I hate that you worry.
I hate that you do,
because I can’t take any more worry
just inside this room.
That’s not something I can do.

I hate that you love me.
I hate that you do.
and although I love you,
I’m incredibly afraid
that someday I’ll hurt you.
That’s not something I can do

I hate that you are the only one to fix me
in a world
that just can’t stop breaking.
because emotions are too hard,
feelings too complicated,
and life too scary
when I can’t see my cards,
and I fear that you hate me
for your unique ability
to fix me.
That’s not something I can do.
Composed 2.26.19
Jean Feb 2022
Tonight you sat down
Scouring through love letters
written by your grandparents
Johnny was in the Philippines
And Ena was back home
I wish I were there with you
No mask
No distance
I wish I were there with you
Pouring over love letters and
Not needing to write them
2.22.22
Jean May 2018
My truth stretched into seconds
And then into minutes
Which seems to be taking hours

yet,
     nothing has been said
               and I’m not sure if
                                              I ever will

Is not telling my truth just as bad as lying?
Is it?
Jean Mar 2022
this unbarring of my soul
that’s called poetry
Is a stripping off of my clothes
and showing you the hidden parts of me
and I want you to see me
I want you to see me
and all my scars
and all my stretch marks
I want you to see my anger and my pain
I want you to see my weakness and my sin
I want you to see my joy
Because in the end it all points back to Him
and that is the most beautiful thought
Most beautiful thought
2.28.22
Jean Dec 2018
“For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Thessalonians 5:9 NIV)

We could only die.
That is all we could do.
Let ourselves be burnt
to the sound of roaring flames.

He loved us so much,
that when He saw the tongues of fire
that sputtered by our feet
and bit at our own ankles
and knew that we could only die in the flames.
He burned himself
with the hope we’d all escape,
but never the guarantee.
Composed 12.5.18
Jean May 2018
when I fell
I knew it wouldn't turn out well
my heart began to swell
and I had something to quell

when I fell
my heart began to rebel
as if it were locked inside a cell
it now hates the place where it must dwell

when I fell
I think I was put under a spell
but there is no way you can tell
for I have told my feelings to dispel
Jean Mar 2019
The white noise had taken over.
My heart is a no-go.
Please restart it, Lord.
I know you can.
Composed 3.28.19

— The End —