i have been writing a lot recently,
all about the same thing.
i can't unsee your bright blue eyes
or the small gap between your two front teeth,
that you hate so much but i love so dear.
i can't forget the words you said,
and the song you named after me.
those words which are now out under a different name
for the rest of the world to hear.
the words that used to be my favorite song became the melody
i hated the most.

but,
at the same time, i'll do anything to hear your voice.
and no matter how mad i am, i can't stay that way forever.
i see you smile once and i fall all over again.
i don't think it's fair that i think about you,
when i know **** well you aren't thinking of me.

i spoke to your mom recently.
she said you've been doing just fine.
how nice.
she also mentioned how you talk about me.
why talk about me instead of talking to me?
i know you write about me too.
she told me one of your band's new songs is about me,
and i have a feeling i know which one it is.
it made me cry the first time i had heard it.

i've tried moving on.
i've tried singing it away.
i've tried writing it away.
i even tried seeing other people.
but somehow,
my mind always comes back to you.
it's always going to be you.

today is your birthday.
a year ago today we were on the phone,
at this exact time.
5:00am.
we had been talking since 9pm,
but time flies when you're having fun,
or in my case,
when you're in love.
i remember exactly what we talked about.
how much my parents loved you,
and how much your mom loved me.
how badly we wanted to have our families meet.
and how bad we had always wanted to go to florida.
together.
or go to universal studios
and take pictures in front of hogwarts.

yesterday i watched your instagram story.
and guess where you were?
in front of the hogwarts castle.
i know i can't be mad
or shocked that i wasn't invited.
you're touring with your new best friends.
meeting more people.
more girls.
prettier than me.
better than me.

however, we exchanged our first words in months.
i snapchatted you to say
happy birthday. a civil thing.
i didn't think you would answer,
so it nearly gave me a heart attack when your name popped up.

"thank you so much, lex. miss you."
that's all you said,
followed by a yellow heart.

i know you don't miss me,
and that was all out of pity.
maybe you want to feel better about leaving me behind.
maybe you know how badly i'm hurting.
but,
maybe you might actually miss me too.
i doubt it though.

boys like you don't love
girls like me.

boys like you don't kiss
girls like me.
not anymore at least.

fall in love with me.
settle down with me.
explore with me.
love with me.
cry with me.
hurt with me.
grieve with me.
heal with me.
be with me.
hold me.
kiss me.
discover me.
sing with me.
read with me.
learn me.
understand me.
accept me.

and if you do, i will

fall in love with you.
settle down with you.
explore with you.
love with you.
cry with you.
hurt with you.
grieve with you.
heal with you.
be with you.
hold you.
kiss you.
discover you.
sing with you.
read with you.
learn you.
understand you.
accept you.

and we can fall in love with us.

you said you would talk to me the next day.
you never did.

you said you could find things to love about me.
you never did.

you said you would stay.
you never did.

i said i would never give up on you.
i never did.

i know it's been months since i spoke to you,
but i've been thinking about you a lot.
we used to be so close.
we'd facetime,
stay up all night.
i knew what we had couldn't possibly last,
but i would have gave anything to keep it.
i remember when i heard you sing for the first time.

2015 was the year i fell in love,
and so did you.
we were inseparable.
i'm never going to forget when you dmed me,
telling me you loved how i sang.
it was ironic, actually.
i loved how you sang too.
and it went on from there.

2016 was the year your life changed,
and so did mine.
you got the offer of a lifetime.
and like a good friend, i told you to take it.
before i knew it, you had songs on the radio.

2017 was the year i met the love of my life in person.
i surprised you.
you were on your small tour with your bandmates.
and i was so proud.
for months after,
you wrote me songs and sent me demos.
just for me.
but those words became poison,
for now you barely acknowledge me.
you're touring the world now.
half the time, i have no idea where you are.

2018 is the year you fell out of love,
but i fell deeper.
i don't know if i'm a sucker for pain,
or in love with the bittersweet reality that you're
living your dream while you are mine.
at times i wonder how you are doing.
you're always on my mind.
am i ever on yours?

i write these words knowing you'll never see them,
but it's okay, because even if you saw them,
i doubt you'd care.
but, no matter how many times you hurt me,
i'm always going to miss you.

i feel myself slipping away.
most days i don't know who i am.
i'm being worked down to the bone,
nothing i do feels right anymore.
i feel nothing anymore.

everywhere i go,
there are reminders of you.
whether it be the blue sky
that reminds me of your eyes,
or the pink cherry blossom tree,
reminding me of your lips.
the soothing melodies of ed sheeran
remind me of when you used to sing them
to me over facetime.
and any time you pop up on
my twitter or instagram timeline,
or even my youtube recommended.
it's like you're everywhere.
reminders of everything we were.
everything we could have been.
everything we weren't.

i wonder if anything reminds
you of me.
do you see your baseball cap
and remember the matching one i have?
do you ever look down at your bracelets
and smile down at the one i gave you.
do you even wear it?
do you think of me when you hear ed sheeran?
or when chasing cars by snow patrol comes
on shuffle?

do i ever even cross your mind?
i doubt it.
but unfortunately for me,
you're always on mine.

i almost bought tickets to your show today.
i wonder if you thought of me when my
city was announced.
i wonder if you prayed that i was going to show up,
or if you planned out an apology speech just in case.
or maybe you prayed i wouldn't show up,
and lucky for you, i won't.
because i know if i see you,
my heart won't be able to handle it.

but no matter how much i try to avoid you,
i know one day i'll have to face you again
so i can let go.

six foot five
with an award winning smile.
a voice that could melt hearts,
that surely melts mine.

and here i am,
almost three in the morning.
and i know he came around
for some reason.

a good reason.

my life had fallen dark
after losing my last love.
but i guess my new man,
he's a gift from above.

he's changing my life,
and yes, for the better.
being with him will be
the end of my inner strife.

while he does live far,
my life will be going through changes.
over nine hundred miles away,
at, least that's by car.

but listen here my love,
my heart is wherever you are.

why can't people accept
girls kissing girls,
and boys kissing boys?

me?

i kiss boys and girls.
that's who i am,
and it's who i have
always been.

no matter my sexuality,
i am still me.
i'm the me i was when i was
six, and i am still me at
fifteen.

nobody is listening to me.
i'm in pain,
i tell them,
they say i'll be fine.
i want to die,
i say,
but they laugh it off.
god forbid i could be
anything
but
okay.

she is so beautiful.
just looking at her
makes my heart race.
her smile is the most beautiful
thing, besides her existence.
talking to her is a breath of fresh air.
she's everything i want.
she's everything i need.
yet,
she's everything i can't have.
she and i, we have a love that is
forbidden.
the places we live are not real homes.
we do not feel safe,
and so we hide our love.
closed doors,
far away places.
we hide where they cannot see.
they can't see her lips on mine,
or hear the words we exchange.
we hide from the ones we love.
our families,
we love them,
but if they knew the truth,
they would no longer
love us.
in their eyes,
two girls in love?
"it's just a phase."
they'll say.
they could never
understand us.
my darling,
you and i are forbidden.

HIS KISS WAS POISON.
THAT I MISTOOK FOR LOVE
I BELIEVED THAT HE WAS THE ONE,
HE HAD TO BE.
THIS RELATIONSHIP WAS FORCED
AND NOBODY COULD EVER LOVE ME.
WHEN HE FINALLY WALKED AWAY,
THAT’S WHEN I REALIZED IT WAS TRUE.
EVEN I CANT LOVE ME.
I DIDN’T BLAME HIM AT ALL.

BUT HE SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO LEAVE
AFTER ALL, HE TREATED ME LIKE DIRT
AND HIS WORDS WERE VENOM
WHILE HE LIED AND SAID HIS HAND WAS
NOT UNDER HER SKIRT.
BUT AT THAT PARTY, I SAW IT.
HE HAD NO REGRET.
OUR LOVE WASN’T REAL BUT
****,
DID THAT HURT.

NOW I’M HERE,
REMEMBERING WHEN HE WOULD
SAY HE WAS “JUST WITH THE GUYS”
BUT THE GUYS DON’T HAVE PERFECT LIPS
AND LUSTFUL BLUE EYES.
OR A DRESS THAT WAS TOO SHORT,
AND A NEED FOR ATTENTION.
HE WAS LOVE DRUNK
AND HE NEEDED AN INTERVENTION.

HIS WORDS TURNED HARSH AND
I KNEW THEY WERE TRUE.
I REMEMBER HOW HE SCREAMED
“NO ONE COULD LOVE YOU.”
IT RINGS IN MY EARS EVERY NIGHT,
IT’S ONE OF THE THINGS THAT KEEPS ME FROM BEING ALRIGHT.
NOW THERE’S TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE,
WARNING YOU ABOUT BROKEN HEARTS, JUST IN CASE.

I TOLD YOU I’D BE ASLEEP BY FOUR,
BUT MY THOUGHTS HAVE SHAKEN ME TO THE CORE.
I’M SORRY BUT LATELY I HAVENT BEEN ALRIGHT
AND UNFORTUNATELY THINGS GET WORSE AT NIGHT.
IT’S AT THIS TIME I FEEL SO ALONE
AND MY ONLY ESCAPE IS BEING ON MY PHONE.
THAT MEANS NO SLEEP FOR ME
MY BRAIN WON’T ALLOW IT, DON’T YOU SEE?

MY BRAIN IS SO LOUD, IT WON’T STOP SCREAMING.
I MESSED UP TODAY, SO IT’LL KEEP ME FROM DREAMING.
“YOU ATE TOO MUCH TODAY,” IT SAID,
NOW YOU MUST SUFFER WHILE YOU LAY IN BED.

THIS SEEMS TO HAPPEN EVERY NIGHT,
AND HONESTLY IT GIVES ME QUITE A FRIGHT.
I’M TIRED, I MUST BE TRUE,
I WANT THIS TO STOP BUT I HAVE NO CLUE.
IT’S MORE THAN JUST BEING SAD,
I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND THEY’RE ALL BAD.
I WISH IT COULD ALL JUST STOP ONE DAY,
BUT RIGHT NOW THE DEMONS HAVE A LOT TO SAY.

HOW COULD YOU EVER FALL FOR SOMEONE LIKE ME?
YOU’LL END UP LEAVING TOO, JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE.

i love a boy who smiles so bright
it ignites a fire in my heart.
i love a boy who hugs
like it’s going to save his life.
i love a boy who has a voice
that sounds like an angel from heaven.
i love a boy who is passionate
about everything he does.
i love boy whom i have
only met once, but i will never forget.
i love a boy who
brings me to tears.
i love a boy
whom is loved by many others.
i love a boy who
is living his dream, while he is mine.
i love a boy who does not
remember my face, but his is always on my mind.
i love a boy who doesn’t love me.

it's four in the morning,
and i'm thinking of you.
the song we used to listen to when we were on the phone is playing.
the words blast through my headphones,
but all i hear is your laugh.
when you'd laugh at me for choking up.

"sorry, shawn mendes always makes me sad."

it's four in the morning
and i'm missing you arms around me.
you only held me once, but it was for a few hours.
we were at your hotel after your stupid show.
the first and last one i went to.
i told you that you should go meet your fans,
but you shook your head.

"i want to hold you."

"why?"

"what if i never see you again?"

i almost laughed at you.
how you thought i'd never see you again.

but over a year later, here i am.

it's four in the morning
and i miss you more than ever.

I DO NOT LOVE MYSELF.

I SEE MY SCARS
AND A PAST FULL OF BROKEN HEARTS.
I SEE A GIRL WHO REFUSES TO EAT
FOR GAINING ANY WEIGHT WOULD MEAN DEFEAT
I SEE MYSELF AND START TO CRY,
MY SMILE IS A COMPLETE LIE.

I DO NOT RECOGNIZE MYSELF.

I LOOK AT MY REFLECTION AND WHAT DO I SEE?
I SEE SOMEONE ELSE WHO ISN’T ME.
SHE STAYS UP ALL NIGHT,
UNTIL THE SUN BLINDS HER SIGHT.
SHE CAN’T EVEN SLEEP ANYMORE,
SHE LOST INTEREST IN EVERYTHING.
SHE’S SUCH A BORE.

I’M SCREAMING, SHE’S SCREAMING,
PLEASE TELL US WE’RE DREAMING.
LIVING IN A WORLD WHERE WE CANT LOVE OURSELVES,
WATCHING ONES WE LOVE, LOVE SOMEONE ELSE.

AND THEN ONE DAY I MET A BOY,
AND FINALLY MY HEART WAS FILLED WITH JOY.
THOUGH HE LIVES SO FAR AWAY,
HE DOESN’T FAIL TO MAKE MY DAY.
I ONLY HOPE HE NEVER SEES
ALL THE DEMONS INSIDE OF ME.

we haven't talked for a while
and i know it's my fault.
i see all your words and i always wonder.
are they about me?
or someone else that i don't see?
i don't want to waste your time.
you have your life and i have mine.
i know you probably don't miss me,
but i don't want us to drift.
i know it's all because of me
and i should just let you go.
but instead,
i want to call you up and talk about everything.
school,
shows,
movies,
everything.
do you want that too?

loving him was red.
all she saw was red
as his words sank in,
"you'll never be as pretty
as those other girls."
but she knew he was
right.

loving him was orange.
all she saw was orange
as the sun came up at 5am.
she waited all night for a
simple text that never came.

loving him was yellow.
all she saw was yellow
as the bruises he gave her
healed. "i'm fine," she said,
"i just fell again."

loving him was green.
all she saw was green
as she laid on the grass
outside of his house.
she passed out there, drunk
and alone. just wanting him
to come outside and tell her
everything was fine.
and that he didn't sleep
with the other girl.
(he never did)

loving him was blue.
all she saw was blue
when he left her for the
other girl. an all too
familiar color, one that
matched the bruises on
her skin. but this bruise
was internal, on her heart.
one nobody could see.

loving him was indigo.
all she saw was indigo
as the sun fell behind the
trees and in came the night
time breeze. she sat alone on
her rooftop as she thought how
things would be if she hadn't
been so blind to see that he
wasn't good for her.

loving him was violet.
all she saw was violet
as she remembered his
favorite color. the color
she once adored that was now
set to flames as she watched
every memory she had of him
burn away.

i used to stay up with you and listen to music.
those songs would vary from sad to happy,
from in love to out of love.
one of our favorite albums was by a band
called mayday parade.
the album was titled "monsters in the closet".

we would always joke about real monsters
and you said you would always protect me.
unfortunately, you became the monster.
not in the closet but in my mind.
you take over and make yourself at home.
it's like i'm helpless.

all i think about is you.

is that what you wanted?
you wanted to get inside my head
and destroy me from the inside?

all i think about is you.

your lips on my skin,
the marks you left.
the ones that fade
and the ones i wish had stayed.

all i think about is you.

how do you protect me from
yourself?
why did it always feel like
i was the one that had to save you
from myself?

you were the monster.

i feel myself falling deeper
as i look into your blue eyes.
i know i should look away,
yet something is telling me to stay.
my heart waits desperately,
thinking maybe something will happen.
but the stupid truth is that you don't see me.
you've never seen me.
i made up a life with you in my head,
replaying all the things my brain thinks you've said.
i know it's pathetic and i will admit it,
that i'm the fool.
i'm drowning as i wait here,
waiting for you to pull me out.
but you don't,
and you won't.
because i'm not the girl you want.
i see you with her,
you look happy.
all i've ever wanted was to see you smile,
so why does that smile make me so sad?
i feel foolish.
foolish for loving you.
foolish for wanting someone who will never want me.
but most of all,
i'm foolish for continuing to wait for you in hopes that you'll be foolish too.

i am pathetic
for loving you.

you are pathetic
for loving her.

she is pathetic
for loving him.

he is pathetic
for loving her while you do too.

it is pathetic how you don't see what's right in front of you.

YOU WROTE MORE WORDS TODAY
IS IT ABOUT ME? YOU DIDN’T SAY.
I’M QUITE SCARED NOW,
I WANT TO ASK BUT I DONT KNOW HOW.
SO HERE I AM WRITING TO YOU,
ASKING FOR JUST ONE CLUE.
COULD IT BE?
YOUR WORDS ABOUT ME?
I DON’T WANT TO FALL SO FAST
BECAUSE I WOULD LOVE FOR THIS TO LAST.
DO NOT BE SCARED TO SHOW ME YOUR HEART
I ALREADY KNOW YOUR MIND IS ART.
I AM AWARE THIS WILL BE HARD,
AND I KNOW THIS CAUGHT YOU OFF GUARD.
BUT IF THIS WORKS IT COULD BE FUN,
MAYBE TWO CAN BECOME ONE.

today i lost myself.
i had a few drinks.
i cried it all away.
being without you isn't good for me.
but i guess being with me isn't
good for you.
every day i look at your contact.
it has a yellow heart beside your name
because you said it would symbolize
the light we brought to each other's lives.
i want to hit the call button.
i want to call you up.
but what would i say?
and would you even pick up?
would you have something to say.

everyone who reads my words
probably thinks i'm completely pathetic.
why can't you just let go?
he doesn't care so why do you?

and the answer is simple.
i can't.
he was the first boy i ever loved.
the only one who understood me.
he saw my scars and didn't run.
he kissed them.
the ones that were faded along my wrists,
and the ones that were new along my hips.
he told me that he would always be around to
build me up if i fell down.

but where is he now?
about to go on tour in a different country.
and i always found the states hard,
but now he's even farther.

i suppose it'll hurt more when he's close to me.
so close that i can smell his cologne that mixed
so nicely with the axe he wore.
but so far where i can't see him.
i only picture him each and every time
i pass the hotel i last saw him in.

i've fallen in love with someone
through their words before.
it did not work out
for us.

lately i've fallen in love
with another person's words,
but his words are about someone else.

he doesn't even know me,
he doesn't read my words.

i wonder if i was to send a simple,
"hey",
if things could work for us.

I AM SICK OF
WAITING FOR SOMEONE
TO LOVE ME
LIKE I WANT TO BE
LOVED.
MY HEART IS ACHING
FOR SOMEONE TO FILL THIS
E M P T I N E S S
I NOW POSSESS
BECAUSE I LOVED SOMEONE
WHO DIDN'T LOVE ME
BACK.

i wanted us to work,
and i still do.
but i know this is over,
and you know it too.
for me, it was fun while it lasted,
but i don't know about you.
i know this is goodbye,
and now i'm back to blue.

you do not have to be alone,
if you want, i can be your home.
i know i'm far away,
but hopefully we'll be together one day.
you can call me when you need me,
you can scream or cry, whatever it may be.
you don't have to put on a mask,
if you need to talk, just ask.

he sang me to sleep each and every night,
he keeps me smiling, warm and bright.
but somehow i feel my mind falling apart,
and why is it you that still owns my heart?
why is it you that takes up my mind?
leave please, would you be so kind?
i’m trying to move on from you,
but thinking of you is all i do.
i love him,
i loved you.
i loved me,
i lost you.
i loved him,
i found me.
you forgot me,
i miss you.

I DIDN’T GET SLEEP, ARE YOU SURPRISED?
MY THOUGHTS CAUSED A BIG UPRISE.
I COULDN’T DO ANYTHING BUT CRY,
WITH CONSUMING THOUGHTS OF WANTING TO DIE.
I CAN’T STAND THIS ANY LONGER,
I’M GETTING WEAKER RATHER THAN STRONGER.
THE DEMONS HAD A PARTY IN MY HEAD
WHILE I LAID HELPLESSLY IN MY BED.

“I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU,”
WELL I HATE ME TOO.

“NO ONE CAN SAVE YOU, YOU’RE TOO GONE NOW.”
SHOWS OVER, I’LL JUST TAKE A BOW.

LATELY I’VE BEEN LOST,
AND PEACE COMES AT A COST.

“ONE DAY YOU’LL BE GONE FOREVER.”
AND I THINK NOW IS BETTER THAN NEVER.

ALL I WANT IS FOR SOMEONE TO SEE ME,
WHY CAN’T YOU SEE ME?

I’M SCREAMING PLEASE,
PUT ME AT EASE.

i waste my words on you
and this has to stop.
i am done thinking about
what could have been.
if you wanted me,
you would talk to me.
if you cared about me,
you’d check on me.
did you even want anything with me?
whatever it was,
it’s done.

and if i was to pour my heart out to you,
would you pick me too?

or would you go back to her,
like you have over and over?

i've been friends with him for years on end,
until i got the text i thought he would never send.
"i like you a lot, do you like me too?",
and the answer is yes, yes i do.

he held my hand in his tight
and stayed with me through the night.
i never have to fear that he will leave,
because i know his words will never deceive.

if there is one thing i want for him and i,
it is for our love to never die.
i want us to burn as bright as a flame,
and for us to win this terrible game.

i know it might be kind of early to say,
but we have been talking about marriage one day.
what colors would decorate the room,
the day we become bride and groom.

of course we are still young,
but i can't stop the words falling from my tongue.
i can't stop myself from loving you,
and i hope you keep loving me too.

i see the snow fall,
like the tears from my eyes.
i hear your voice,
like i hear the wolves at night.

i started talking to someone new.
oddly enough, he's just like you.
he's tall and he sings,
and his eyes are blue.
but he's nothing like you.

he checks up on me,
and makes sure i'm okay.
he calls me his light and i call him mine,
and with him i know i'll be just fine.

today i am overcome with stress,
between doing homework and deciding how to dress.
my hands are shaking,
my brain is aching.
i just want to talk to you,
that's all i want to do.
we didn't talk a lot today,
but that's completely okay.
i know you don't always have time,
but i don't see that as a crime.
maybe later i'll give you a call,
if you don't mind, i don't either, not at all.

i write every day,
i have a lot to say.
not all of it is good,
mainly bad.
i can't help that i'm always sad.
but,
one day my words will be the only part of me,
the only thing left of me for people to see.
it will sit there as a reminder,
a reminder of what once was.
a girl who felt too much,
then felt nothing at all.
a waste of time,
a waste of space.
given everything,
then gave it all away.
it wasn't her fault,
she didn't know life would be so cruel.
she didn't know that boy would break her heart.
she didn't know someone she trusted could betray her.
and worst of all,
she didn't know she'd be her own worst enemy.

let these words serve as a reminder of the girl you've lost.