i have no where left to go.
my limits right in front of me,
no one to turn to,
and nothing left to say.
i cant get out of this mess.
i’ve dug myself too deep,
dived head first
into sinking quicksand.
nothing can save me now.
i’m unreachable,
unforgivable and unsaveable.
i’m useless.

.i. flicker

leave a candle
burning in your
window should
you ever change
your mind when
we're both old and
gray, or older and
grayer than we both
are now, if you tire
of following your
Traveler ways,
criss-crossing
oceans with no
good place to stay,
if you remember we
once had a place to
call home, if you
remember that
once you were
never alone, leave
a candle in your
window, sweet amber,
come home... but those
are just dreams of mine,
you traveling the world,
because it hurts less
imagining that you
just left me, that we've
nowhere to go, and i've
no-one to see, since that
day i last saw you, lowering
into your grave, and all i've
left are cold shadows, as
i've learned to be brave, oh
how i wish i'd been brave,
and sometimes when i
think of you, i truly, so truly,
wish i'd not been born,
wish i'd never been born.

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.ii. for amber wherever your soul may be

we walked along those streets of cold night
we did what was wrong though we knew what was right
now i feel all alone with no love in sight
but know you are still with me

ღ ღ ღ

we laid in strange beds, though not merely to sleep,
our tracks may be gone, but those scars run quite deep,
standing at the abyss, can i peek, but not leap?
no, for you are still with me

ღ ღ ღ

when i feel that i've surely lost all of my might
when i'm lost in the dark, and can't find the light,
i will hold back my tears, i will keep up the fight,
. . .
i promise you this, despair is banished,
and i'll never again try to join you too soon,
for i believe, someday, i will be with you

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.iii. a touch of frost

so late last night
winter's last kiss
left amber flecks
amongst myrtle hills
and the most vibrant
hues of tenné and rust

ღ ღ ღ

so many miles i want to embrace
eternally changing beauty
unparalleled by any other
in which i can only see
your eyes and hair and
voice and spirit

ღ ღ ღ

last frost left
by a retrograde sun,
your solace, though knowing,
you just couldn't be the one

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.iv. snow in may

it hasn't fallen so far south
this late in my life
and wind bites through my jacket's fold
just like a stabbing knife

ღ ღ ღ

a snowflake melts upon my lips
a lost touch from your fingertips?

ღ ღ ღ

the wind feels slightly warmer now
and i don't need to wonder how

ღ ღ ღ

it cannot be coincidence
it's much too apropos...
don't need to guess why it has come
i think of you, and know

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.v. event horizon

you're gone from this place
just as all things must go
whether diamonds or dust,
bound by time and by tide,
by erosion and rust,
and our choices are viewed
from such far, distant shores
as long nights steal away
clarity found by day
which twilight underscores

in my heart, in my mind
memories start to form
and then call upon
a trace of your sweetness
for it can still linger on
and on, and on,
and, oh, sweet amber,
how you still linger on

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.vi. you're slipping away

i feel like today
i could write of you
forever, it was visiting
you last night, where
you will lay forever,
where we can be
a moment or two
still somehow
still together

ღ ღ ღ

but now it's been enough
and now it's time for me
to put my love for you away,
high-up and hard-to-reach,
in that special type of drawer;
full of needles and thread,
of thimbles and buttons,

a place that's
not often opened,
but so welcome and warm...

in times when
its contents can
heal what's been wounded
&
in times when
its magic can
mend what's been torn.

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.vii. the invention of this passion

all things must
return to their place
as water falls down to green, foamy seas waving,
as waving arms, tired, falling back to our sides,
as sides of mouths, smiling, start so subtly falling,
and cruel, hopeless pining banished out of our minds.

ღ ღ ღ

of your eminently brilliant, ever-duelling mind,
of your infinite obstinance (which was what it was),
of your so loving, gentle, most softest of hearts,
contrasted by furies like hell hath not wrought
when my love and the needle were all that you fought.

ღ ღ ღ

of your cutting your mending your purging your dying
of your love for me and your hate for yourself
of your love for that junk, such hate for yourself;
how i ran away when you needed me most,
my greatest regret and my greatest disgrace,
of you travelling all alone
to some far-distant shore...

ღ ღ ღ

of all of these things
that still make me curse
the sound of morning's alarms
that rob me of you

as no time,
nor no place,
nor no heavenly grace,
nor chance will stand as friend;

on your such
faraway thoughts
do i rise, do i fall
for even a moment?
are you still out there
out there in the aether,
have you forgiven that
which was unforgivable,
as i ran all those blocks
to a payphone at Safeway,
instead of knocking frantic,
on some neighbouring door?
and just writing it down now
i break down now, i hate now
myself forever, the only thing
i can't ever forgive of anyone,
and i'm haunted today most acutely
i can't hide, as a bright light is shone,
with you and our love, now 20 years gone

i long sometimes for death
if only to find out if you are
there, or if there is just nothing
nothing at all, save for those
three short words of
i love you

it's the irony of ironies that
something as sublime as love
could strike such a vicious wound
where a 2nd hell can be found
if one explores too deeply
and begins to drown
at the very bottom
of ocean memory

ღ ღ ღ

yes, all things must
return to their place
and i am glad you
returned to yours, to ours,
ahead of me, maybe, preparing
such a place, but i must live today
not in dreams of the past, not
in hopes of the future, for
if i know one thing, it's
you'd want me that way;
we all must go sometime
where you have gone,
and we don't choose
the time, no, it
is the time
that always
chooses us

yes, i am more glad still
you may wait for me there
and just maybe

you went to
where your love
was needed most,
and who am i to
even guess
otherwise?

ღ ღ ღ

Such is life, that whatever is proposed,
it is much easier to find reasons
for rejecting than embracing.

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.viii. recovery: 20 year reprise

have you ever had
something in your life
that you wanted to be over
just as badly as you so very
much never wanted it to end?
for me that is exactly today,
this endless of endless days.

ღ ღ ღ

only snippets left
that are losing full
both craft and meaning,
perhaps, for inside of me
the feelings are petrifying,
and so i'm losing them,
and so i'm losing you:
your voice, your smell,
how your touch felt,
the taste of you,
everything you,
even soft,
and shared
ecstasies, too.

i loved you once
and could not stop:
though knowing where
it could/would end

you loved me when
you wanted to:
you loved me
when you could;

and that was, and
is, enough for me;
your prettiest face,
i cannot see. for it is
fading too, and,
is seeing also
believing, isn't
that how this love
thing's supposed
to work? and yet...

when you sadly
questioned me, only
then would i admit,
yes, you're right,
yes, it's so true, that
when i write of loving,
i can only write of you.
and that was the beginning
of what became your final end.

ღ ღ ღ

i love you not at all:
i had to stop for
it was killing me.

all these
shattered
fragments
only in my
mind, long
gone from
any medium,
now i must
quick get rid
of them... so,

i linger over each, then
in my mind i hit delete;
they can no longer find a home there,
or i shan't stave off my defeat.

ღ ღ ღ

i love you not at all:
it was so easy in the end;
i remember when i quit you
(just this evening, 6 pm).

they never tell you when you're young,
they never tell you once it's gone,
that years of loving feel so short,
these days of pain so ******* long.

ღ ღ ღ

i love you not at all:
(that is, until i close my door...
for since you took your life away,
i but love you all the more).

ღ ღ ღ

maybe i need to stop,
& to finally let you go,
for if i can't let go of you,
i'll have no room to grow;

and maybe this is even
the last, very last, day
i'll ever write of you.

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
  
.ix. honeyed memory

ღ ღ ღ

just for today i am yours,
and you are mine again;
you live today once more,
if only in this heart of mine,
and even a single word more
could not be anything than mere
superfluous commentary

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.x. i must stop now; a prayer

goodbye my lost love,
i miss you so much,
and if your mouth is
perhaps closer to the
ear of the Almighty
than mine is, and may
ever be, can i ask this
of you, though i am
not deserving
you know more
than anyone,
please ask of Him,
to let me learn
to forgive
myself.

Amen.

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

Kept hearing the ticktocks,
It is time to start my little game
Eyed the prey as he talks,
Hope he still remembers my name

At the dusky street,
Where I started what is planned
Took him long to accept defeat,
Pinned him until he stopped struggling on
the land

Took my blade and stabbed his orbs
Oh, what disgusting views it absorb!
These pair of eyes, I despise
For it was used to spy on my sister's
thighs

His sinful hands, I chopped
He heard how my sister begged but he
never stopped
These hands that traveled my sister's
pearl,
This is what I had witnessed when I was a
little girl

Lastly, his little shaft
I slashed it in half
This little thing is the reason why we mourn,
For she slaughtered herself with a baby unborn

She had commited the unforgivable sin
For she was sexually abused at the age of
fifteen
I stood up to desert the venue,
My dear sister, I have venged for you