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everly Jan 3
i take verses from song
of solomon so as to feel
what’s it’s like to be loved
like the shullamite girl
i wrap the verses of isaiah
‘round the rings of my simple fingers
so as not to forget all that is promised
i grasp the verses of revelation
in an unshakable fist
so as not to fear what is to come

/

the chain
is as strong as its weakest link
harmartia
you have oxidized the chains
that had guarded my
mind and heart
you weakened and exposed
the harmartia in me
leaving me ashamed
unforgivable and
unloveable
Dondaycee Nov 2017
Next lifetime just let me be,
All lost souls that noticed me,
Over killed the hope in me,
Helpful hands unnoticed, feet,
Blistering I’m growing weak.
I have questions for the runaways,
How did your feet get so strong?
Why couldn’t I tag along?
Did you leave home to be alone or vice versa, got cold and was searching for warmer days in the week?
What is life without a friend dependent on I,
Is trust nonexistent when there’s a mention of side,
Is it not selfish to love yourself before mind,
A system that houses a light linked throughout time,
“-What do you want?”
For you to love me like you love all.
Look in the mirror, what about this person,
“I’m always here, all you have to do is call”
Where’s the assertion? I’m looking for words because the ones I’m using aren’t working.
Never felt too good in crowds, because there’s folks around, and they’re always thinking,
Never felt too good or proud, when joyful sounds touch my heart before they’re leaving,
“-Loving others isn’t a bad thing, lose the fear, it’s a state of being.
Don’t hate yourself for seeing a reality that others aren’t capable of seeing.”
But, Am I dreaming?
“Do not confuse yourself, you don’t want to lose yourself for dreams are other realities, you are currently in a state of being.”
But what is being?
“To be or not to be is the question.”
… Give me clarity
“Everything is being, it’s all existing, everything existing is living.”
Is this another lesson?
“Is death to exist and not be, or to be and not exist?
That is my suggestion-”
-How can you be and not exist?
“To exist is to have objective reality, a reality that exist independent from our minds.
Consciousness construct realities through imagination in space, which is time,
So, does the world end when we die,
Or does the experience of this reality end and our consciousness move into another reality beyond the human mind?
Would the state of being then not exist after existences?”
Let me go the distance with an analogy to make sure there’s nothing I’m missing.
Is it pain to love in a world that perceive it with ignorance, or to fully understand it and not have the experience?
“A little personal but the balance is understood.”
I just needed some clarity to be reassured,
Because sometimes I’m insecure,
There’s never been a life that’s “similar”,
And I see things in my life that will occur,
Pretty lady, baby don’t you close the door,
With other opportunities of loving me more,
Arkyi, Dondaycee, keep my knees from the ground,
In times I forget to stand, and am feeling less than a man should when his woman’s aroused,
By another… that feeling’s profound.
“-Jealousy found, that energy is not allowed when there’s confusion around.”
Where’s that soothing sound that moved me in dreams,
That had me chasing angels confusing chicken with wings,
Searching for permission in missing some things,
Like the giggle or a touch that slowly faded through change,
Like that love at first sight that never made it to name,
Those “unspoken” relationships that never made it to name,
Those misunderstood moments I forgave and delayed an encounter because I couldn’t forget the feeling she gave before  pain.
Those hideaway hearts is where my shelter remained,
Because they kept the love pure when it was easy to drain.
It isn’t easy to contain let alone obtain a power source linked to the brain and refrain from allowing an equivalent vibration; being fear, creep into the domain and create a disease of insane.
“-Insanity is just as contagious as stupidity-”
-Please explain how to maintain love’s stability when hostility is blurred into a thin line.
Inhumane is humane when the word justify emerges in a reign of ignorance which solidifies the moment the sane become repetitive credited to an infection that dried the terrain of perception,
Unreceptive the brain becomes when love is trying to sustain which leads to strain that results in pain and fear burst as a supernova leading to actions in vain again and again,
Oh lord, the power of a woman.
If men could be before doing, we wouldn’t often do things we “shouldn’t”,
“It’s not a matter of wrong or right but evolving into light.”
Is it odd that I acknowledge you, voice inside my head?
“Just as odd as the words left unsaid before night.”
This solitude thing, it isn’t enough anymore, I need something new.
I learned to love myself from red to blue,
And I just reached purple, now all I see is white,
May that energy continue to heal and rise,
Frequency, continue to create shorter and steeper hills, so that I am able to write,
Documentations of this experience  discovering love that’s unforgettable,
Because self hate should never be unforgivable.
That illness is always hospitable,
The existence of love is aboriginal,
Individually being is medicinal and additional if traditional.
Through ourselves is how we connect to all, an adventure to,
Dive within thyself but too many times I forget myself.
Every time I learn to stand, I project and fall like I forget my shell,
Because it’s easier to live life as light than with the body, odd of me to dismiss my health,
Physical problems; wanting love, a senseless touch; tempted to rush a manifestation of her beside me.
That’s the biggest lie when all I need is I and the being inside me.
If this is a human experience, neglecting the body is a serious condition, mysterious as if ID.O.M and 3D have been misspelled,
Then what is hell?
“Death.”
I thought death doesn’t exist?
“It doesn’t, it’s a reality when the state of being is no longer well.”
To be… or not to be…
“That is a question of wealth.”
Renea Jun 2019
Every now and then
harsh words are exchanged
  between you and a friend.
Words so harsh and unforgivable
the friendship seems impossible to mend.
Every now and then
we break promises to our kids
  with every intention of making it up to them
    but the truth is
      they won’t remember your intentions
        only the times you didn’t spend.
Every now and then
we push our partners buttons
   we get into arguments over nothing
    then go to bed and fall asleep
     too mad and stubborn to say “I Love You”.
Every now and then
we take Life for granted
   we don’t appreciate today
     because tomorrow is expected.
Every now and then
we forget Life has an end.
   Until we are unexpectedly reminded
     by the passing of a friend.
        Now wishing you could say “I’m Sorry”
          and help your friendship mend.
By the passing of a child
Now remembering all those broken promises
    and all the time you didn’t spend.
By the passing of a spouse
   Now wanting to tell them you love them
      laying beside them in bed
But now you’re crying yourself to asleep
alone on the couch instead.
  
You can’t go back and say you’re sorry
You can’t get back the time you didn’t spend
You can’t tell them you love them
because LIFE IS SHORT
And NOW it’s too late...you should of did it THEN.
This came to me after suicide claimed two lives of loved ones around me, just this year. My daughters best friend who was only 17, and my sons best friends father who was only 40. Please check on the ones you love, a simple “how are you? Are you ok? Or anything I can do? “ will probably save someone’s life.
Laura Oct 2018
It’s in a secret folded letter,
in a book somewhere.
Building dust in your,
crusty childhood trauma.

Words like “I’m sorry that
we couldn’t fit together”.
Maybe “I’m sorry that they
didn’t teach you to love better”.

It might say that I just
want you to finally be happy.
You’ll think that’s another one
of my unforgettable darling lies.

But the anger I’ve been feeling
is completely unforgivable.
Making no better reason
to relentlessly forgive.

Seeking lustful validation
is probably my sin.
Seeking your forgiveness
is probably my mistake.

But time is always our cruelist
and truest confessors,
and I have never been betrothed
to anyone, but the truth.
I honestly dont think this adds up to a real message but its something - i also love being blunt and honesty, and also learning to forgive even in pain!!!! seriously!!! positivity!!!
m Dec 2018
i have no where left to go.
my limits right in front of me,
no one to turn to,
and nothing left to say.
i cant get out of this mess.
i’ve dug myself too deep,
dived head first
into sinking quicksand.
nothing can save me now.
i’m unreachable,
unforgivable and unsaveable.
i’m useless.
.i. flicker

leave a candle
burning in your
window should
you ever change
your mind when
we're both old and
gray, or older and
grayer than we both
are now, if you tire
of following your
Traveler ways,
criss-crossing
oceans with no
good place to stay,
if you remember we
once had a place to
call home, if you
remember that
once you were
never alone, leave
a candle in your
window, sweet amber,
come home... but those
are just dreams of mine,
you traveling the world,
because it hurts less
imagining that you
just left me, that we've
nowhere to go, and i've
no-one to see, since that
day i last saw you, lowering
into your grave, and all i've
left are cold shadows, as
i've learned to be brave, oh
how i wish i'd been brave,
and sometimes when i
think of you, i truly, so truly,
wish i'd not been born,
wish i'd never been born.

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.ii. for amber wherever your soul may be

we walked along those streets of cold night
we did what was wrong though we knew what was right
now i feel all alone with no love in sight
but know you are still with me

ღ ღ ღ

we laid in strange beds, though not merely to sleep,
our tracks may be gone, but those scars run quite deep,
standing at the abyss, can i peek, but not leap?
no, for you are still with me

ღ ღ ღ

when i feel that i've surely lost all of my might
when i'm lost in the dark, and can't find the light,
i will hold back my tears, i will keep up the fight,
. . .
i promise you this, despair is banished,
and i'll never again try to join you too soon,
for i believe, someday, i will be with you

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.iii. a touch of frost

so late last night
winter's last kiss
left amber flecks
amongst myrtle hills
and the most vibrant
hues of tenné and rust

ღ ღ ღ

so many miles i want to embrace
eternally changing beauty
unparalleled by any other
in which i can only see
your eyes and hair and
voice and spirit

ღ ღ ღ

last frost left
by a retrograde sun,
your solace, though knowing,
you just couldn't be the one

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.iv. snow in may

it hasn't fallen so far south
this late in my life
and wind bites through my jacket's fold
just like a stabbing knife

ღ ღ ღ

a snowflake melts upon my lips
a lost touch from your fingertips?

ღ ღ ღ

the wind feels slightly warmer now
and i don't need to wonder how

ღ ღ ღ

it cannot be coincidence
it's much too apropos...
don't need to guess why it has come
i think of you, and know

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.v. event horizon

you're gone from this place
just as all things must go
whether diamonds or dust,
bound by time and by tide,
by erosion and rust,
and our choices are viewed
from such far, distant shores
as long nights steal away
clarity found by day
which twilight underscores

in my heart, in my mind
memories start to form
and then call upon
a trace of your sweetness
for it can still linger on
and on, and on,
and, oh, sweet amber,
how you still linger on

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.vi. you're slipping away

i feel like today
i could write of you
forever, it was visiting
you last night, where
you will lay forever,
where we can be
a moment or two
still somehow
still together

ღ ღ ღ

but now it's been enough
and now it's time for me
to put my love for you away,
high-up and hard-to-reach,
in that special type of drawer;
full of needles and thread,
of thimbles and buttons,

a place that's
not often opened,
but so welcome and warm...

in times when
its contents can
heal what's been wounded
&
in times when
its magic can
mend what's been torn.

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.vii. the invention of this passion

all things must
return to their place
as water falls down to green, foamy seas waving,
as waving arms, tired, falling back to our sides,
as sides of mouths, smiling, start so subtly falling,
and cruel, hopeless pining banished out of our minds.

ღ ღ ღ

of your eminently brilliant, ever-duelling mind,
of your infinite obstinance (which was what it was),
of your so loving, gentle, most softest of hearts,
contrasted by furies like hell hath not wrought
when my love and the needle were all that you fought.

ღ ღ ღ

of your cutting your mending your purging your dying
of your love for me and your hate for yourself
of your love for that junk, such hate for yourself;
how i ran away when you needed me most,
my greatest regret and my greatest disgrace,
of you travelling all alone
to some far-distant shore...

ღ ღ ღ

of all of these things
that still make me curse
the sound of morning's alarms
that rob me of you

as no time,
nor no place,
nor no heavenly grace,
nor chance will stand as friend;

on your such
faraway thoughts
do i rise, do i fall
for even a moment?
are you still out there
out there in the aether,
have you forgiven that
which was unforgivable,
as i ran all those blocks
to a payphone at Safeway,
instead of knocking frantic,
on some neighbouring door?
and just writing it down now
i break down now, i hate now
myself forever, the only thing
i can't ever forgive of anyone,
and i'm haunted today most acutely
i can't hide, as a bright light is shone,
with you and our love, now 20 years gone

i long sometimes for death
if only to find out if you are
there, or if there is just nothing
nothing at all, save for those
three short words of
i love you

it's the irony of ironies that
something as sublime as love
could strike such a vicious wound
where a 2nd hell can be found
if one explores too deeply
and begins to drown
at the very bottom
of ocean memory

ღ ღ ღ

yes, all things must
return to their place
and i am glad you
returned to yours, to ours,
ahead of me, maybe, preparing
such a place, but i must live today
not in dreams of the past, not
in hopes of the future, for
if i know one thing, it's
you'd want me that way;
we all must go sometime
where you have gone,
and we don't choose
the time, no, it
is the time
that always
chooses us

yes, i am more glad still
you may wait for me there
and just maybe

you went to
where your love
was needed most,
and who am i to
even guess
otherwise?

ღ ღ ღ

Such is life, that whatever is proposed,
it is much easier to find reasons
for rejecting than embracing.


ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.viii. recovery: 20 year reprise

have you ever had
something in your life
that you wanted to be over
just as badly as you so very
much never wanted it to end?
for me that is exactly today,
this endless of endless days.

ღ ღ ღ

only snippets left
that are losing full
both craft and meaning,
perhaps, for inside of me
the feelings are petrifying,
and so i'm losing them,
and so i'm losing you:
your voice, your smell,
how your touch felt,
the taste of you,
everything you,
even soft,
and shared
ecstasies, too.

i loved you once
and could not stop:
though knowing where
it could/would end

you loved me when
you wanted to:
you loved me
when you could;

and that was, and
is, enough for me;
your prettiest face,
i cannot see. for it is
fading too, and,
is seeing also
believing, isn't
that how this love
thing's supposed
to work? and yet...


when you sadly
questioned me, only
then would i admit,
yes, you're right,
yes, it's so true, that
when i write of loving,
i can only write of you.

and that was the beginning
of what became your final end.

ღ ღ ღ

i love you not at all:
i had to stop for
it was killing me.

all these
shattered
fragments
only in my
mind, long
gone from
any medium,
now i must
quick get rid
of them... so,

i linger over each, then
in my mind i hit delete;
they can no longer find a home there,
or i shan't stave off my defeat.

ღ ღ ღ

i love you not at all:
it was so easy in the end;
i remember when i quit you
(just this evening, 6 pm).

they never tell you when you're young,
they never tell you once it's gone,
that years of loving feel so short,
these days of pain so ******* long.


ღ ღ ღ

i love you not at all:
(that is, until i close my door...
for since you took your life away,
i but love you all the more).


ღ ღ ღ

maybe i need to stop,
& to finally let you go,
for if i can't let go of you,
i'll have no room to grow;

and maybe this is even
the last, very last, day
i'll ever write of you.

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
  
.ix. honeyed memory

ღ ღ ღ

just for today i am yours,
and you are mine again;
you live today once more,
if only in this heart of mine,
and even a single word more
could not be anything than mere
superfluous commentary

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ

.x. i must stop now; a prayer

goodbye my lost love,
i miss you so much,
and if your mouth is
perhaps closer to the
ear of the Almighty
than mine is, and may
ever be, can i ask this
of you, though i am
not deserving
you know more
than anyone
,
please ask of Him,
to let me learn
to forgive
myself.

Amen.

ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
ღ ღ ღ
Overture: Missing you today, a visitation, now I feel you fading back away.

This date burned into my memory, when I left you there; how can it have been 20 years already? I've gotten so old, and you've stayed so young.

Enya - On Your Shore
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYPKas32MFM
Dan Oct 2019
The First World War destroyed anything beautiful that existed within the human spirit
You cannot simply walk away from industrial mass slaughter unaltered
You cannot hide it behind decades later mass slaughters of equal importance
You cannot hide behind getting excited for next mass slaughter
WW1 may have been the force that killed anyone’s feelings of honor or bravery in war
And that’s almost as great a tragedy as all the bloodlines severed
War and violence and conflict will always be with us
It is deep within all animal DNA and no matter how many daisies are put into the barrels of rifles you will never escape it
There is a great tragedy to violence but at times there is a beauty and there is a necessity
When the Soviet forces finally breached the walls of the Führerbunker
Don’t you think they were smiling?
Reality is never black and white
It is shades of tragedy, shame, beauty, and glory

It may be seen as “Eurocentric” of me, among other things, to carry WW1 with this weight
It was not a purely European conflict of course, but the main theater was
Besides, I am descended from Europeans, and some nights when all is silent I wonder if I can hear my ancestors weeping
Or are they screaming?
We as a species have allowed our greatest inheritance to be squandered
Pure wild nature
We have sold it for same Starbucks coffee shop in every college town, Kroger, and corner of New York City
We sold the forests for New York City
Are some sins unforgivable?
In the place of the old growths we build buildings of subjective beauty
Subjective beauty always bows to objective beauty
Yes, there is objective beauty
Buildings that are built in the Brutalist style are subjectively beautiful
Forests, undeveloped fields of flowers, the rushing flow of a river
THESE ARE THINGS OF OBJECTIVE BEAUTY
To argue otherwise makes you a liar or a coward

Unironic nihilists have none of my respect
They simply do not deserve it
If you want to be taken seriously find something greater than yourself
Something outside yourself
Something that came before you, exists above you, and will be there long after you are not
That’s why I chose God and Nature
Some see these as interchangeable
I do not but I’m not here to split hairs
The problem with modern society is we have become ironic nihilists, which is almost as bad
Everything becomes chalked up to subjectivity
We crack jokes about how it’s all meaningless and eventually down the line we believe it
This is a pathetic cope
The meaning of our lives, like the objectively beauty of nature, has been bought or stolen
You were not born to consume product
You were not born to work and make things of cheap plastic
You were not born to enjoy next superhero movie, twice a year, every year, until you die
To our ancestors our lives now must seem like decades long suicide pacts
I want out of this state of unliving
We were born to be physically strong
We were born to create things of beauty
We were born to meet hardships, embrace conflict, overcome them, conquer them become something superior to what you once were
YOU WERE BORN TO BE ALIVE
CREATE THE MEANING IN YOUR LIFE IF YOU HAVE TO
Just please
Don’t be a nihilist

I try to take my multivitamin and multi mineral vitamin every single morning
Maybe a fish oil pill or two throughout the day
I have become consumed with the idea of getting more sun on my skin
I have been consumed with the idea of improving my gut bacteria
I want to talk about these things without sounding like Patrick Bateman
To improve your inner flora it is recommended you replace processed and fried foods with sauerkraut, kimchi, yogurt, kefir, or something along those lines
I know sunshine and sauerkraut aren’t going to fix your depression or rid you of your years of trauma
But there’s no shame in trying
On Friday I bought a full 16oz jar of kimchi and proceeded to eat the entire thing in less than 24 hours
I will never apologize
I will never feel shame

I scream all of these things into a bathroom mirror when I am alone
I wrote this poem for myself
I wrote it for all of you
I want out of this soul crushing alienating techno industrial hellscape
I want the nightmare to end but I’m in too deep
If I melt down my cell phone, crash my car into an empty Wendy’s, and make it my moral and ethical duty to take down the power grid, I may get expelled from grad school
I might get arrested
I might just be forgotten
So for sake of legality I cannot endorse looking up how a cheap bandsaw can cut down a cell tower
I do no endorse bringing the technological nightmare to its knees for the good of all living things
I do not endorse arson, even when no one gets hurt
It’s a mean world out there
I only endorse breaking free
Any way you can
Madelynn Nieves Feb 2019
24 hours had passed and I was in a hole, the darkness had consumed me and I couldn’t dispel it, what was going on? I had all of the reasons in life to be happy but the flashes were still coming by the minute, as I drove home that night, I imagined crashing, diving headlong off of the Ben Franklin, nothing to stop me but the thick unforgivable steel, and the thoughts of those I would lose in the process.
I made it home safely. Against a plight of thoughts that were tempting me otherwise. Into bed I go. Feeling like that was the only place I’d be safe. No sharps around. Nothing to harm me. I convince myself to stay steady and distract my brain. It’s time to fill my body with the cure, a hand full of pills and the coldest iced tea. They’re prescribed so what harm could they do. I’ll drift off to sleep and start a new day, filled with sunshine and the voice of my love, the fix I needed to climb out of this tunnel.
But the pills, they’ve turned on me, I feel my body start to shake and the numbness approach my lips, I can’t reach my slumber. And if I continue laying here, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me with the thoughts running rampant in my brain that night. So I decide to move, into the closest haven I can find myself while staying relaxed, a hot bath, not the lukewarm after thought, the kind that stings your skin and makes you feel alive.
I enter with an ahhh of immediate comfort, feeling the heat overtake me, realizing this is exactly what I needed to escape. But I’ve gone too far. The chemicals have overtaken me finally and I feel as if I’m drowning in this 2ft pool, deciding to escape as the world starts to turn, I’ve lost my grip on reality and nothing seems tangible, not even my feet on the floor, I go down the first time, feeling my bones crunch on the imitation wood, and I’m gone, everything is black and I wake up sweating, unable to stand,  spinning out of control.
I find myself in an army crawl trying to get back to the sanctuary of my bed. Imagining how silly it was to be contemplating an end just hours before when now I am literally praying for a way to hear the sweet voice of my heart in the nighttime. In the distance I see the purple sheets, I am almost there, falling repeatedly with my head against the tattered carpet. Wishing I had played my cards differently. Wishing I had remained stationary, playing solitaire in my mind until I had met Hypnos.
Aoi Feb 2019
Kept hearing the ticktocks,
It is time to start my little game
Eyed the prey as he talks,
Hope he still remembers my name

At the dusky street,
Where I started what is planned
Took him long to accept defeat,
Pinned him until he stopped struggling on
the land

Took my blade and stabbed his orbs
Oh, what disgusting views it absorb!
These pair of eyes, I despise
For it was used to spy on my sister's
thighs

His sinful hands, I chopped
He heard how my sister begged but he
never stopped
These hands that traveled my sister's
pearl,
This is what I had witnessed when I was a
little girl

Lastly, his little shaft
I slashed it in half
This little thing is the reason why we mourn,
For she slaughtered herself with a baby unborn

She had commited the unforgivable sin
For she was sexually abused at the age of
fifteen
I stood up to desert the venue,
My dear sister, I have venged for you
Daughter Nov 2018
At what point does something become unforgivable?
Is it the moment when all hope is lost?
When you strip the comfort of forever from an innocent mind?
When u fall so hard you shatter the ground those around u are standing on,
When you take the last breath of love from your lovers chest,
When you steal the beating heart from a sacred and beautiful bond,
When you fraternize with the enemy of your beloved for reasons unknown to all involved,
Is it when you reach your hand into the bowl of trust and leave nothing but ***** fingerprints?
Where is there to go when you’ve built walls of slippery vines
surrounding you,
suffocating you.
Who do you ask for help without bringing them down with you?
Misery loves company but no one loves misery.

— The End —