Hello suicide!
Its been awhile
Remember me?
Yer ol' buddy Kyle?
I need your assistance
To escape from this trial
Forgive me friend
If I'm unable to smile

Ah, yes! Kyle, of course!
Forgive me bud
If my voice does sound hoarse

I've been hanging around
Don't you see?
I'm glad you've swung by
To console in me
For my first recommendation
Is hanging
Yes, in fact
This is my plea
Might I suggest a rafter
Or perhaps a nice tree?
This ones on the house
Yeah, this one is free

Ah, yes! A hanging
Indeed!
But if I were to do that
A rope I would need
Not only that
But I could be rescued
And freed
Do you have another?
Please forgive me suicide
Forgive me for my greed
What else can I do?
Please consider my plead!

Ah, yes! I can do one more
But I'm growing tired and weak
And my neck is still sore

Take a handful of pills
And overdose
This I know you've tried
And you came really close
But you can't be easily rescued
And you don't need a rope
Do it! Destroy your dreams!
And trample your hopes!

Excellent! This one sounds great
For sure!
I do have a decease
And pills might be the cure
But what if I live
What if my body endures?
But this option has potential
And it has great allure
I'll consider this option
To you, I ensure

Well, well, well!
Look what we have here!
Looks like I'm successful
As if a death is near
Theree no need to panic
Theres no need to fear
However, I do need payment
So start paying in tears!
Now RIP my good friend
Its been fun mate, cheers!

A cat?
I never trusted a cat
Betrayal will only befall to those who do
That’s why I swore to myself not to

I will never trust a cat again
Because I once did
And it only led me to vain
Goodbye to you stupid cat, I bid

That cat was cute
Or so I thought
It acted sweet to me
Making me fall wounded on my knee

I never would have thought
That the first time it called
What it wanted all along was food
Ah, I was fooled

When it was hungry
I generously fed it
But when I can’t give any
It didn’t even doubt to bit

This is now my perspective
Trust is not an option to give
Not to an ungrateful being
That only costs pain and suffering

A lot thinks I’m so bitter
But like in medicines, bitter is better
I’m not closing any doors
I’m just creating a solid wall

Maybe someday something will pass through
Impossibly by crashing ‘because it’ll be hard to do
Climbing it is an option, **** I gave a clue
But what will be willing? Did I just heard a ‘boo’?

I hate what I just found out
Psychologically I was reversing myself, and that
Whatever happened to my wall? Well guess what
Climbing was an easy task for a very exceptional cat

What if you don't want to be saved
You want to live outside the box
And you would rather the bubble be popped
Not have to claim ignorance
Living in the naïve land
Of innocence

Its tempting
And sometimes its a better option
But reality should not be an illusion
Racism and freedom
Class divided systems
To chase the dream
Or see reason

Where are the black barbie's
And who's your boss at managerial
Minority controlling normality
Scapegoats and state treason
Sacrificial lambs of the season
Corporate crimes with no repercussions

Why is black history
A month set aside
Equality or special treatment
Raising awareness or reinforcing difference?

Conform to standards
Tick box rules and regulations
Invasions of privacy
For your health and safety
Treated like guilty suspects
Looking to incriminate

Social norms and subjective realities
Powers of authority
Puppets of the same ideologies
Filtered through hierachies
And you become a product of the system

A convenient but replaceable minion

I don't want to be just an option
I want to be somebody's choice

I want someone to melt each time they hear my voice

I don't want to be used
I want to be loved

I want someone to turn my grey skies blue up above

I don't want a mystery
I want things to be as they seem

I want someone to be the man of my dreams

I don't want to be alone
I want to fill this space

I want someone to smile whenever they see my face

I don't want to be that girl
I want to learn from my mistake

I want someone who won't make my heart break

I don't want to be an option
I want to be somebody's choice.

everytimes he looks at me i see the reflection in his eyes and i recognize that look.
it is one of disappointment.
a look far too familiar on my parents faces when faced with their offspring.
i know i was never the first option just the ***** cell that won.
but who honestly expects a cheetah to win a swimming competition when there is a little fish in the race.
a disgrace that one is forced to convince that their existence is not futile.
As first i could not fathom what it was you wanted for me.
but Father i honestly just changed for you.
to be the son you have always wanted, i even withstood the torture and all of their tormenting words as they called me a 'Man'.
my mother failed to understand why i could not be a lady but it was all for you.
Father, forgive me.
Unlike Pinocchio, I CAN'T BE A REAL BOY!

laying in my bed, trying to write this poem
Being in a small town, wishing somewhere bigger and brighter was my home.
A place where people don't sleep.
Where the night owls thrive.
A place where everything is always alive.
I look outside my window and see nothing but darkness and an empty street.
Nothing but one street lamp, how does everyone feel complete?
Do people ever get lonely and want something more?
Doesn't anyone always want an open door?
I want to look out my window, and see action.
Taxi's and people and human interaction.
Not some empty street that's a depressing distraction.
I want something more, bright lights galore, a place where sleep doesn't have to be an option anymore.

Osiris is not a viable option,
The rays of him are toxic,
One must err on the side of caution,
One mustn't take in the toxins.

Not with a serpents gaze of night ,
I am the gleam in their very eyes,
The twilight of people's lives,
The shine dwindling with time.

Street lights conjoin with the void,  
As loss and gain meet with choice,
The old teach young about voice,
Lack thereof and unspoken poise.

Lines have gathered across the head,
Along with emotions, swirling regrets,
Primal fear creeps up ones neck,
The remainder of memories to forget.

I haven't slept for I have wept

I
Am
No
King

I haven't sang for I have pain

I
Am
No
King

I haven't laughed for I am ******

Keep
On
Looking

I haven't smiled for I am vile

You
Won't
Find
Me

For she dwells within me

A potion within a vial

Searching for answers,
Answers that have long since forgotten the questions,
As words have forgotten poems,
Poems that have forgotten books,
Books that have forgotten shelves,
And you, who has forgotten me,
Although you live here, my Isis.

You do not have the mind,
To know that I dream of you,
With me, as one in the same,
Glimmers of hope which make way,
For back breaking pain, and disdain
As you say, my name, I sob, I pray,
You encounter the soul provider,
Whom you alone, deserve.

Deciphering the hieroglyphics,
The depth of my chambers,
Such an undertaking,
Is only for those not wary,
Of rude awakenings and laws,
Forsaking the freedom of my bonds,
Which hold my place, along the gate,
Which controls my fate.

Bonds of loathing and taunting
Specters of faceless smiles
Messages of nameless moans
Titles and spiteful rivals,
Bring cries of despair and tears,
Which shatter the floor beneath,
Uncovering layers of disgust,
Skin deep, is the source of vanity.

Vanity meaning fleeting importance,
For it, death, life, joy, fear, hope,
And melancholy; know nothing,
As they are simply the effects,
But not the causes of the ruckus,
The frozen coating of ocean surface,
Ignorant to the swelling below,
Waiting for a chance to bring Diablo.

I
Am
No
King

You
Won't
Find
Me

Strip
Me
Of
My
Crown
And
Bury
Me

My
Queen

Money was nothing to me until I fell in love
I whispered to heaven seeking the most high above
To send me the portion of my life's blessing
Now is the time I need it to express my love feelings
I can't wait to possess my wealth and treasure
To ease my way to the lifestyle of pleasure
Because love will not stay with a man empty handed
And unfortunate for me the heavens are undecided
Resolving to other means that is bad
I transformed my being to a desperate lad
My deeds paid off as I live in my prime
Only for love's seek I committed my first crime
I went unpunished and enjoyed every moment
Lavish at any joint all I got from my endowment
Just to impress and win her total submission
For more she requested I gave without option
I got an odd job to keep our lovely affair
Right under my nose she was having an affair
Poor in her abode, love hosted me like a tout
Trapped under an oath there was no way out
I played along like everything is normal
Advisers encourage me to make love and I formal
Since I can afford to provide bread without butter
I fixed a wedding date to take her to the alter
I got married to love with a borrowed suit and tie
In my marriage vows, they told me Romeo must die
Shock with this verdict I inquired what will be of juliet
Before I could get an answer I was hit with a bullet
My heart bleed, I prayed for God's surviving grace
But millions are willing ready to take my place
So I gave up the ghost not to be a love slave
As my heart was led to rest in a players grave.

there are words in my mouth that are clawing at the back of my throat and are wanting to get out
i try so hard to push them back in but my saliva were never as strong as the sea that pushed back
my fears and longing, longing for change became my company. sadness became my muse and i tried to paint her as best as i could with the pen that i hold in between my fingers and told a
story i've never told a soul, no, they wouldn't understand.
suffering only exists to those who have never met the one.
the funny thing is, i shook his hand and he pulled
me in. of course, white was never my style of clothing.
like lucifer i fell. having bigger dreams than my sanity could ever be, it tried to grow wings to accommodate it.
there are repressed feelings inside of me that are pounding the walls of my chest and they might just break them in.
i hear stomping.
the stomping foot of the police that came to arrest me: "Ma'am, your house has been sold" well, home was never a home to me! prison was what it was called. imprisoned by
my own demons and they were so happy, happy, happy.
joyful things didn't exist but when you took me in and smiled and told me "You're beautiful, my daughter. You can make it" it was quickly replaced by a frown that marred my face when you put me back
in the four walls that haunted me. my bedroom was a constant lover to my pain. the bathroom and i had a friends-with-benefits relationship and it worked for a while
watching me bleed the darkness out of my soul, it drank whiskey and sang me songs filled with sorrow
that fueled the pain and the hatred and everything swirling inside those pill bottles i found at the medicine cabinet i was looking for for days, i dumped it
and all of its remains in the trash because it gave me nothing.
i needed it quick. and painless. because i was tired of this pain that was hitting my right on the cheek.
bleach became a second option and i swear i can still taste the chemicals on my tongue and the smell of acid filling my lungs. i can still feel the sting it left on my skin as it kissed every available opportunity, every single
surface of my mind screamed DEATH and it was painted with your blood that you shed when you died on the cross and i thought: this is it.
it has finished. and that all of this suffering will be no more and i can call your arms home and listen to you sing me to sleep as your sweet voice reassured me that i was safe
safety was never been fond of me and my parents thought it was all a joke.

All afternoon thinking,
my head keeps spinning.

Evaluating one,
and another option.

Just to answer that question,
What do you want with me?

I have no label in the earthly,
no explanation
from beyond.

I want to cover the wounds
of the heart with gold.

Like kintsugi,
turning scars into beauty.

I want to hold you,
whenever you need it.

I want to be the refuge
from adversities.

I want to be the outline
of your emotions.

I want to love you,
and be loved.

I want to set standards for you,
and accept no less in return.

Yet, you are setting them for me too,
and I cannot receive less
than what you give of yourself.

It will be hard to cover with another nail,
the mark you are leaving.

i think i have finally understood the concept of moving on for people like me, for people who have a heart like me and also for the ones who love the same way i do.

you see, when you end up loving someone the same way i love - you can never really get over them even when it's over.
when you've integrated someone into your life, making them a part of your life, it stays. they don't just leave your life like that, even when they're already gone.
when you've made someone one of your main sources of happiness and when they stop becoming so - sure, they're just one of your main sources of happiness but just like wifi, full signal is always better than half even though it still works, right?

moving on is never being able to completely look at someone and feel nothing even when you've shared a past together. it's about accepting the fact that you'll never ever have a chance with them ever again, no matter how much you want them. it's crying at night because you can't turn back time to fix things or to feel how much they once loved you. it's seeing them happy with someone new and softly whispering, "if you're happy, then i'm happy too." it's constantly torturing yourself with wishful thinking and hopelessly dreaming about another chance, for them to reconsider their choices of leaving you but feeling suffocated because you know, hope isn't even an option anymore - it's just pointless wishing. it's about understanding that you will never really understand why things didn't work out. it's about putting their well-being and happiness before yours because you know that if yours were prioritized, or even cared about, they wouldn't be as happy as they are today without you. it's about looking forward to go to bed because you can finally see them in your dreams but not being able to fall asleep because the thoughts of the past are flooding your mind like a tsunami.

i could go on for days, but i think you get it.
i think you understand that moving on does not mean you don't love them or care about them anymore, but it means you love and care about them enough to let them be because if leaving you is what makes them happy, so be it. even though it hurts.

so even if i have moved on from you,
(here i go again with the wishful thinking but)
if one day you decide to come back,
please know that i will always welcome you back with open arms and i will whisper, "i have been waiting for you."

In the age of information

I'm breaking the silence

I would of stayed in Catholic school but I'm not homophobic

Ninth level of consciousness cellular to cosmic

Card counting black jack yelling Agenda 21

Planting precisely following my Mayan ancestor tree

Excuse my blood cells as they talk to me

My dead relatives did not frame the end of times

They simply said humans n earth are a co-existent life

I speak truth with no reason to lie

Sitting like an Indian syncing into earth

Defragmenting seven points of my anatomy

Praise your God i was not taught discriminology

156 energy centers of healing

Trust the Guatemalan

4.6 billion years of evolution

Ignorance is a option

Think outside.  not the box

From the laws of gravity my mind is expanding my thoughts

Fact or fiction where is your jurisdiction

Read the instruction in general especially if its federal

Detox my pineal gland from all toxins

Say something useless

Escaped never land to find the promise land

The source of our problems like the Act of 1871

Occupy wall street followed by area 51...

I've built my walls so high
that they had no other option
but to come crashing down.

I used to think I was immune to tears,
but here I am, drowning my sobs
within the sound of the running bathwater.

I must say, I'm a great actress.
All those fake smiles and all that fake laughter.
Nobody would have ever guessed that I was a mess on the inside.

I thought I was stronger than this.

Standing all alone ...
in the middle of a dark day ...
feeling nothing but, ...
a bit grey ...
Watching the colors ...
as they fade away ...
mind full of words ...
but left with nothing to say ...
loosing the silver lining ...
her eyes were about to cry ...
fighting with her mind ...
the heart begged ...
GIVE IT A TRY!! ...
her lips fluttered ...
as she was falling grey ...
running out of time ...
her only option was to pray ...
Prayer whispered ...
listened ...
& answered ...
Feeling blessed ...
she found a new way ...
as now it was a colorful bright
day !!

I believe I'm a fool,
storing my past in my future.
Old wounds reopen,
each amd everytime I sutured.

Emotions are erratic,
my stand fickle.
One moment I'm ecstatic,
the very next I'm embittered.

Its like wishing for rain
while standing in the desert,
compassion in others as dry
as this scorching weather.

Trust is a deadly thing,
especially when misplaced.
An error in judgement can scar you for life.
An eternity of doubt, a never ending phase.

I can't say you didnt see it coming,
Refecting back, I think I knew.
But a child's  mind is fascinating.
How it tricks you into a fantasy, no one has a clue.

Circumstances change, life goes on.
And with time comes wisdom;
realisation dawns.
Little pieces of you are gone.

First you blame yourself,
I know now that that's normal.
At an age already confusing,
you deal with all this horror.

Then the horror gets a hold of you,
you slip into denial.
The farce you lead becomes your reality
with the truth distanced, you now smile.

Before you know it
its all surpressed deep down.
Unconsciously you're burying it.
Youre not ready to deal with this right now.

How long you keep up With the charade,
I truly believe isn't your choice at all.
But once it comes crashing down,
The barrier, now has nothing to but fall.

All the emotions come rushing back.
How are you expected to cope?
Years and years of suffering;
you desperately search for hope.

You stay quiet.
Maybe for peace? Maybe to forget?
But deep down you know,
only letting it out will help.

You shut out all those memories;
You shut out all that pain.
All your attempts to tell someone
keep going in vain.

But it happens. How and when is irrelvant. This is a turning point.

Once you've said it,
the dominoes start to fall.
There's no taking it back.
The total picture you can now recall.

It breaks your heart,
to see your loved ones cry.
Blaming themselves, just as you did once.
The regret evident in their eyes.

Time heals everything.
Why waste time looking behind.
Im stronger for it, if anything.
My life doesnt need a rewind.


Sure,

Now trust doesn't come easily.
In others I cant confide.
I make attempts feebly,
no one seems to realise.

Closure doesn't seem like a real option.
I might always be repelled by touch.
Emotional or physical,
love has never appealed to me as such.

There are no saviours passing by,
you should brave the storm alone.
I see no heroes in the sky,
be the fire, ignite your own bones.

Programmed beats program the dance.
Gift cards and bottoms shape the romance.
Their channels channel the thoughts
that twist innocence and have purity caught.  
They give us pat rhymes over and over in aa bb.
They give us the truth right where we can see
it, but make it the less favourable option.  
Don't go to sleep in what'll be your coffin.
Don't rush to speak, or speak to often
of things you know nothing truly of.
Your microwave can cook you a meal in 30 seconds.
But when you eat that way, food for thought has no lesson.

Get so much hurt
by master of flirt.

He live his life of having fun
make fun of lying, cheating any woman.
He's here, he's there, he is everywhere.
At cheating, nor lying, he is master.

He sleeps with you, he sleeps with her,
Poor you believes, all his lies you recieved
With his word said "forever" you're decieved.
Of his Devilish words, silently, you suffer.

If I were you, I'll "leave him sooner,"
hurt only you'll get, if you "stay together"
A liar lying
A cheater decieving

You're all an option,
taken by emotion.
Tempted by seduction
Pleasure be his reason.

Get so much hurt
by master of flirt.

Okay
So you wanted to leave
And I had nothing to say.

I took the train
To the burning skies,
To the sinking clouds,
To the bridge of redemption.

I waited in line,
Beside the others,
For my decision,
For my punishment.

I came to him
And he said,
"You shall be one;
You will have won"

I went to my prize
With others like me.
The world was whiter;
The world was brighter.

I saw to my life
And it was filled with things.
Things people pay for;
Things people **** for.

I saw the fog
That kept Life from Love.
It blurred my sight;
It blurred my joy.

I saw the reason,
After three score and seven days.
The reason was not prize;
The reason was punishment.

I chose the option
To choose my way back
To the life before
For the life ahead.

And after the second second,
I saw the difference.
It was a saga of life;
It was a saga of dream.

It’s mid-afternoon in the sweltering sun
And my mind is stumbling like a cloud
And I’m trying to empty its contents on the table
But I’m afraid of what I’ll find.
And if I stay here I’m doomed
To end up like my parents,
Looking at the same walls
******* every speck of paint
Shattering each framed family photo
With my pseudo-telekinetic powers
And if I go I’m doomed to end up a *****,
A heartsick wanderer.
Vulnerable to the forces and people after me
Staying or going won’t eradicate my fears
So what is option C?
I’ve already tried madness
And pills and alcohol
And all the quick fixes I could get my hands on
And if I fall for him,
I could collapse like a dying star
And if I don’t tell him how I feel
I might lose my place in the universal race
And have to chase him in my next lifetime
I’ve been so long on the defense it’s taken its toll
I’ve become fat and lazy and a nasty drunk
With a switchblade at my side
And my medication slows my metabolism
My DNA slows my metabolism
And I wonder how many elements I could swallow on the periodic table
And I think about the time I took speed and drank endless pots of coffee
And how much of a rush it was at night but how horrific it was in the day
And if I had money everyday I’d drink myself to death without mercy
Choking on one’s ***** has to hold some poetic merit
All accidents are beautiful as long as you’re a bird chained to the sky
Beneath outer space and God’s realm of heaven
Still no matter how much I write the world sees me as
Fat, lazy and useless-
A baby that needs to be supervised
But needs to get a job because times are tight
But the only job that doesn’t give me panic attacks
Is the job I’m doing right now
Which may or may not serve a purpose after I’m long gone
And I feel I may die heartbroken and penniless
But refuse to conform to a society that shunned me
And some believe in randomness and coincidence
But I still see in signs and symbols,
Mostly from my dreams which the devil wakes me up from too early
And the clouds no longer talk
The rabbits no longer come in pairs
But I still believe in the portal in the garden
Where the face of an ancient turtle welcomed me.

When all the world is moving quickly
it can be a difficult battle to carry on
I battle as a lonely warrior
on a lonely field
of lonely stones
So I try to carry forward
Because time waits
only for fools
I slow my roll
and control my breathing
uncertain of the outcome
what's hidden within that of the unknown?
is ignorance as bliss as it was before it wasn't?
where must one gaze their eyes
if they seek fortune?
to where has greed not already swallowed armies?

Enough! with that ponder, now is current
I am, today, that which is uncertain tomorrow
and the days before are thoughts held in my being

Responsibility for happiness present in my being
lays solely on myself
selfishness is an option
for I must be happy in order to share such feelings with others
instead of plague the being of another's receptive gaze

That was the first time
that words weren't able to describe
the beauty
that was before me.

Words couldn't describe how I felt.

When I looked at him,
I forgot about everything.

The world melted around me
while I just lied next to him.

I forgot about everything.

I forgot about the things I love,
the things I hate.

I forgot about the world
outside of that room
and everyone in it.

I forgot to worry about
how I haven't called my father lately,
my ceaseless to-do lists in the desk drawer,
or the cherry blossoms in Virginia.

But I didn't care,
because I didn't know.

I had forgotten.

It's funny how all these lovely things
that you usually use
to block out the ugly thoughts
suddenly become meaningless
when you succumb to one single amazing thing.

When you hone in on that one amazing thing,
nothing else matters.

He made the sun look boring.

He made the universe seem worthless.

As I was lying next to him,
I had decided that,
if given the option,
I would rather stay in bed all night with him
to watch him wake up in the morning
than ever see a single cherry blossom in Virginia
ever again.

What to say when I've been tearing up my skin
To match the voices that have torn me within
I'm confused at how to really explain
That staying alive requires a dose of pain
Anxiety rips through me like a storm
And I thank the gods I was forewarned
That the plan was born over a day ago
And though I can't fight I can let them know
And my safety can be removed from my hands
I pray I find someone who understands
As I sit bleeding and shaking and broken down
Why I am unable to turn my life around
All I see these days is a cavernous hole
Gaping and pulling and tormenting my soul
I don't know how to convey my feelings of doubt
Of how I can only see this one way out
How I can't see a future or anything ahead
And my mind races and wants me dead
I can't see myself ever really living
When this cold light is so unforgiving
I don't know what to say so I stay quiet
But don't presume there is calm in my silence
Don't assume I am okay when sitting still
I'm planning and I'm treating with devils
Selling my soul for some kind of relief
The scratches and hunger are no release
Not really or at least not good enough
Why do I feel so undeserving of love
So worthless each and every day
I suppose that's why I can't change my ways
Why I feel as though I'm dying inside
Why I see my only option as suicide.