I'm afraid of what's coming
And it's approaching so fast
I don't have time to decide
And I don't have time to look back
I'm leaving soon
And hope it's not too late
To look around and say goodbye
Before I leave this state
Of being so dependent
Of wanting to be free
Of never realizing my freedom was only restrained by me
Change is in the air
And it's scattered on the ground
It whistles through the wind and tugs our happy smiles down
All the people I knew
Will no longer be the ones I know
I'll have to start again
When it's time for me to go

The horizon glows purple beneath the muted kaleidoscope of a fading rainbow
Salt hangs in the air, thick as the sand trodden on by so many
Daylight heaves a last sigh and closes her eyes, tucking herself into a comforter of oranges, purples, and blues, resting for the day to come
Foamy crests chase each other towards the feet of the travelers, and shyly retreat back on themselves, stumbling clumsily
The birds dip into the chilly water and bob over the rolling waves before suddenly taking to the darkening sky
Here, landscape, human and animal intermingle, amid the tranquility that only the sea can bring
The days stretch on, full of lazy possibilities
And each morning is a fresh start, full of new wonders

In a world full of more complex emojis
The simple smiley face stands alone
The one that adorned shirts and other paraphernalia long before the iPhone
It conveys a simple message too
Happiness
Something we all want, and need
But in the digital age, it's hard to tell by this colon and apostrophe
When someone is truly happy
After all
It's not our chosen punctuation that conveys how we feel inside
It's our actions
And you can't understand those through the phone

The pain
Is okay
Because
Someone
You love
Is causing it

I pity perfection
Because perfection will never know how fun it can be to be imperfect
Perfection will never know a sloppy first kiss
Or how it feels to burn your tongue on hot chocolate
Perfection does not know how to mess something up and then try again
Nor will it ever have a lazy day
Perfection will never stumble over it's words when it tries to speak
And it will never tell someone it loves them
Because we all know that's a mistake
But some mistakes are worth making
And perfection does not exist

We are vehicles
Constantly passing each other on the streets
Each containing its own world
Each with a different destination in mind
Sometimes we collide
Causing sparks to glint off of our metallic outer shells
Before propelling us in a different direction
Throwing us off course
We carry things and people with us
And when we cross paths with others our loads become either heavier or lighter
Sometimes we breakdown from lack of proper care
And need someone to put us back together
And get us running again
Why must we pass by each other so quickly?
When will we stop?

Who's to tell us if this is even right,
we're all so tired but refuse to give up the fight. Why are we all suffering for what we want most, causing our bodies to bleed but never giving up hope.
We all yearn for this unattainable thing we call love.
Does anyone really have it?
Or are we all just grasping at false persuasions that constantly evade the real truth of the whole concept.
Has it ever really existed?
Who's to say what it really is?
After all, it's just a feeling, an empty emotion invented by man.
It used to be pure, love used to be true,
before society got ahold of it and turned it against us.
So we turn our backs on it,
afraid of what it can do with the power we gave it.
And we try to harness it for ourselves,
the power we had to love.
Using and taking all we can get for selfish purposes,
leaving none for the rest.
But we all failed, no one knows how to love.
Not how God wanted us to love.
We toss it around, like money exchanged through countless unclean hands
until we can no longer recognize it.
Hard to tell if it's true or fake,
and I've already made that mistake.
We're all going down unless we can learn to forget how we were raised and grow to accept better days.
Because we can no longer trust genuality, everything is always too good to be true,
even when you have what's best for you.
We feel the need to trade it in and update to the latest trend.
Everyone is always linked in,
growing up wired but still not caring for our neighbors or friends.
We never find ourselves worthy to lend a hand, thinking its below us.
Well I think it's time He showed us how it all will end.

Red rimmed eyes gazing out of a red rimmed heart
Looking blankly ahead so as to avoid the hurt
Crystal-like tears fall to the floor,
Breaking like waves upon a worn down shore
Red rimmed lips search for words to speak
Finding none, she falls down and breaks
Following the same path her tears took down her porcelain face  
And there she'll lay until someone finds her
And then maybe she can learn to love again.
But never the same way that she loved him.

Why do people look at the stars
But not at each other
They yearn to see something millions of miles away
But don't care to view what's in front of them
Don't want to fix the problems at hand
Don't need to understand humanity
Because humanity does not understand itself
No it is much easier to look to the stars
Who have always been there
And always will be
Although we don't know how they got there
But then again, the same can be said for us

Sitting on hold
Letting the silence grow
But I don't hang up
Because this is one of four phone calls we'll share this month
I feel like I owe it to you to stay on the line
But twenty minutes have passed now
And I've got things to do
I've waited on you my whole life
And I'm finally learning how to hang up
How to feel more sorry for myself than I do for you
Work has always been more important to you than your family
I've known that since I was young
Since I would chase your car down the driveway after you returned home from the office
So excited to see you
Because it seemed like you were never there
And I still feel that excitement when you come in town
But it's been dulled by the waiting
Waiting for you to hang up with a coworker
Waiting for you to keep to your promises
Waiting for you to stick around
Waiting for you to admit your mistakes
I'm still on hold
And you still believe work is more important than your daughter
So I hang up
Because I'm tired of waiting

How do you not feel anymore?
Maybe you could teach me
How not to feel
Because right now I feel like nothing
I feel like a part of me has been stripped away
I feel like I'm being forced to stand naked in front of everyone
I feel exposed
I feel useless
But most of all I feel hurt
How do you lose all feeling in a week?
How can you act one way and speak another
How can you sit there and watch me cry
Knowing you caused my pain
And you left me to drive myself home
It's hard to drive when you're hyperventilating
You told me I was perfect, I was great, it was nothing I did
It obviously was or else I wouldn't be crying into my coffee cup
The salty tears blending with the sweet vanilla until the whole thing just tastes sour
And now I can't eat
Food has no flavor
It's empty of enjoyment
Just like my day to day life
That used to be filled with the possibility of you
The possibility of us
The comfort and safety that was our relationship
I'm lost
Lost in this ocean of feeling
And that's what it is, an ocean
And I'm adrift and unreachable
It's not like it's by choice
But I'm just not a very transparent person
And you were the closest I ever got
How could you leave me sitting in the cold, crying
My tears were freezing to my face
And I'm still cold days later
I'm cold watching you walk through the halls
Your head down and your hands in your pockets
The same hands that should be holding mine
And all I want to do is talk to you
And let you know all that I'm feeling
Maybe I could lend you some of this feeling
And you would love me again
You would smile at me from across the room
And walk me to my classes
And hold me when I cried
Instead of staring at me from across a table
That felt like an ocean
And looking down at me
Like you were sorry for me
The moment the words left your lips
We were strangers
And it was like we had never kissed
Had never talked
Had never danced
Had never told each other our secrets
Had never existed as a single unit
And that's what we were
And now that part of my world is over
And I have to learn how to fit into another one
Another world where I can't know you
And it will take awhile for me to know myself without you
And I'm not good at being lonely
Just come back
Sail across the ocean you created
And bring me back to shore
I can't take your silence anymore
Just feel
Just feel something
For me

Strength
It comes from the strangest places
Only weeks ago it came from the warmth in your eyes,
The smile on your lips,
And the feel of your hands.
Then it came from hope,
The hope that maybe my nightmares weren't coming true,
Maybe I wasn't losing my stronghold;
You.
But now I'm living my nightmares,
And drawing my strength from peoples' doubts  
It takes everything I have to sit across from you,
And look you in the eye,
And talk about mundane things,
Like nothing's changed,
Like nothing's wrong.
But in reality it's killing me
I feel so distant from everyone,
Like they're all looking down at me;
At the discarded girl who wasn't good enough.
But instead I'll stay strong
Strong for those who think I'm not
Strong enough to move on
Stronger than the urge to break
And I promise leaving me will be your worst mistake

I can't be a person
I don't have what it takes
I can't make it
I'm not beautiful
Smart
Funny
Social
I don't put in enough effort
I don't have any special talents
I'm not good at expressing myself
I'm too lazy to try
I don't fit in to any place or time
I feel like I'm lost in this void
I'm emotionless
But I feel too much, all the time
It's overwhelming
It's torture
Sometimes I wish I would just drown in it
So I wouldn't have to feel it any more
Feel all the pain
And disappointment
And loss
It's all too much
And if I don't feel it someone else does
And it never seems like there's enough good to balance out all of the bad
I can't live like everything is okay
Everything is far from okay
Most of the time
But we have to pretend that it's okay
Because we're people
And that's what we do
We pretend and we lie
And that causes even more problems
And nobody ever wants to talk about their problems
Because then you care too much
And you're weird
You get sent to a therapist and prescribed with numbing medication
We don't have a real cure for our problems
So we make ourselves forget about them
Nothing is ever solved
So nothing is ever okay
I just want it to be okay
I need it to be okay

I'm sorry I could not save you
You who were so young and full of life
You brought only joy to others
And in your wake now sadness glides
You passed through my life so quickly
Your ripples still remain
I let you go with hopes that you would swim back to me again

Isn't there something magical
That lies in putting words together
In giving meaning to the meaningless
In training marks on a page to fall on someone's ears
And on their mind
Changing the way they think
Changing their point of view
Changing their life

I want to know the world
Personally, intimately
I want to feel the grains of sand on different beaches and run my hands through the waters of a far off shore
Sail far away by boat and by plane
Taste the culture that abounds in every corner of the globe
I yearn to hear the voices of a different language
Going about their daily business
One that is so much different from mine
I want to see and understand everything as it is and how it was
How it all could be
I need it all to connect
In my mind and in reality
My thirst for a knowledge that is so much greater than I can imagine is too much to bear
There is too much to take in
And there's not enough time
I could never run out of places to explore
People to meet
Things to try
As long as there is ground beneath me and above me sky
The opportunities are endless
But I am not
I will be gone one day
I won't get to read every story written or hear every song that's been sung
My understanding of the world around me will never be as great as I need it to be
As I want it to be
And that might be okay
And even if it's not I have to accept it how it is
Because that's the way our world works
Our world
It is so full of magic
And mystery
Love and life
Beauty and joy
And until I no longer get to walk in life
To find new places
To find my place
I will keep exploring

Sometimes
I forget I'm a person
And I think I'd rather be
The wind
Or a tree
Or a bird
And not a person
Who has so much to think about
And so much to do
When none of it really matters in the end
All the stress we feel now will one day be for nothing
We won't exist
We won't make an impact like the way a tree
or the wind
or a bird shapes the earth
We won't change the world significantly enough
To make our time here important
And that's a lot of things to think about
And most of the time I don't want to think at all
I just want to feel
But only in the good ways
I only want to feel free
And happy
And useful
And good
And I can't when everyone is telling me you have to work for all these feelings
But do we?

Sleep doesn't come anymore
It never visits
I have to fight for it
Night after night
Like a parent who is losing their custodial rights
Sleep, you were my escape
I loved you and you left
How could you?
I was faithful, always
Except for those few nights when life was too good to sleep
But those don't come anymore
Now I live to sleep
I yearn for the darkness to take over my mind
To quiet the thoughts that churn all day long
To mend  everything that I have done wrong
Like all my other friends,
You left
You left me alone
And awake
And now I don't have the chance to dream,
Of better things
Or how it used to be
Because I loved how it used to be
When I went to sleep happy
And excited to start my next day
Now sleep, I greet you with a heavy heart
Always hoping that a better day will come after the dark

You'll take handouts but you would never be caught giving
Or helping
Or being an honest and genuinely good person
It is beneath you anyways
You'll manipulate others
But the second someone speaks their mind you eliminate them
You see innocence as a threat and destroy it
You seek acceptance from others but they're not the ones who should approve
You look down on those who are , in reality, better than you
You're quick to judge when you are at fault
You are delusional
Irrational
Arrogant
Selfish
And afraid
You came from nothing and you are nothing now
You will always be nothing
To me